Catching Up: Mental Health

Catching Up: Mental Health

If I could sum up the state of my mental health in a single word, it would be "improving."

When I got home from college and started my journey of self reflection to figure out what went wrong, I only knew one thing for certain: that I had some kind of anxiety disorder. I also thought that I might have autism, but I wasn't certain. A year and a half of counseling later, I learned that I may have four mental health conditions... sort of. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to continue counseling since I started working full-time, so I'm unable to clear the air on a few questions I have, but as of right now, this is the state of my mental health as I understand it.

Anxiety disorder is a given, of course. I got panic attacks, I was constantly on edge, and I had an overwhelming amount of negative self-talk. After discussing it with my counselor for a while, I talked to my doctor about taking medication, and found one that actually worked! It lowered my anxiety levels so much that I was able to start applying for jobs, which is how I finally started working full-time (more on this later). I took it for about three months total before I noticed it was affecting my mood too much, and stopped taking it (don't try this at home) – but the benefits have outlasted the medication, and I'm happy to say that my anxiety is now at a manageable level.

There is also an element of depression in the mix. To be honest, I've known this for a while and didn't want to admit it, but I can't escape from it any longer. Some of the traditional signs of depression are not present, but even now as I have a stable income and no homework, I still struggle to do any more than sit in bed in my spare time. Plus, depression is often comorbid with anxiety disorder, and both affect the same parts of the brain; it would be remiss of me to continue denying it. But because I show signs of both, and they're both so closely related, does that mean I have two disorders... or just one?

I also have autism, of course. I was always different in some way, which my mom noticed early on – that's why she decided to homeschool me for ten years. My special interest is video games, and it's how I made friends, where I looked for new hobbies, and even why I started learning computer science. I'm also hypersensitive to light and sound, to the point where I need sunglasses to go outside and noise-cancelling headphones to vacuum. It just makes sense.

But the one that surprised me the most was learning that I have ADHD! Specifically, ADHD-Inattentive, the artist formerly known as ADD. Looking back, this is obvious; I was always a spacey kid, and I could barely focus even on things I enjoy without drifting off into my own thoughts. There are posts here on my blog from years ago that I could retroactively say, "Yeah, that's typical ADHD," and I had no idea at the time. Plus, just like with depression and anxiety, ADHD and autism are often comorbid as well. In fact, I've learned so much about them both in the last year, that I can no longer tell where one ends and the other begins. Again, this makes me wonder whether I have them both, or just one of them – but at least I've narrowed it down.

As I said towards the beginning, I haven't been able to resume counseling or even see a doctor for a while. However, I just started taking vitamin D in the meantime, and so far, I'm showing signs of improvement! I don't know whether it will make enough of a difference, but we'll see how it goes in the long run. I've read a few things about how vitamin D deficiency can worsen depression, energy levels, hypersensitivity, and even executive dysfunction – I'm only taking a small dose, but I hope it will make a dent at least.

So to sum up: I have something in between anxiety and depression, which is on a path of steady improvement ever since getting out of college and finding a stable income. And I also lie somewhere between autism and ADHD, which will always be a part of me, but I'm learning to work with in healthy ways. It's a lot to keep track of, but it's finally a comprehensive list.

Dijon Dunes (60s Rush) | YCC-YLK-9MF

The first course I made for Super Mario Maker 2, modeled after the Retrush level of the same name, Dijon Dunes is a more technical speedrunning course with plenty of ways to bound gracefully over the desert sands. You only get 60 seconds – go for the best time!

Catching Up: Redesign

One of the biggest things I accomplished this decade is creating my own logo and branding. I did avatars, banners, promos, thumbnails, video elements, and so much more – an entire graphic design suite, all made with no professional or academic experience! I'm really proud of it, especially the little things like the W hidden in the logo, or the graph paper backgrounds calling back to my early days making mazes.

A lot of this was made with a heavy focus on video, though, and I find myself starting to move away from that field (more on that later). In addition, some of it is hard to work with – tons of layers, multiple drop shadows, blur beneath specific elements – and it leans too much on Material Design guidelines that are not my own. So last year, I started working on a new look, with two major goals: make it easier to work with, and make something that is uniquely WillWare.

Unfortunately, this is where my lack of experience comes back to haunt me.

A promo image that I've posted at least five times now.

One of the first things I decided in the redesign process was to keep the isometric grid, but rotate it 90°. This is to better support vertical content (like a webpage!) and potentially even allow 3D elements somewhere down the line. However, it came with the big side effect of needing to completely redo my logo; it was made for the horizontal grid, and simply rotating it would not be effective.

A plain version of the new logo.

So after prototyping for a while, I ended up with the shape shown above! The W is much more prominent now, and it has a very Gamecube-esque feel to it that I quite like. However, I struggled to get any particular color combination to work with it; it was still too plain by itself.

Around the same time, I was experimenting with the grid, and I tried out a dotted line grid that makes the whole grid pop out of the page. In fact, it was almost too strong, but I liked the idea so much that I decided to make it work somehow. After a few attempts, it hit me: what if I made each dot like a light?

And thus, the Light Grid was born.

An early animation made in Photoshop, because I don't know any traditional animation programs.

All of the shapes and logos are drawn directly on the Light Grid, which is animated with pulsing colors. In an early version of this blog's redesign, the background was a basic GLSL shader that provided the animations. It looks fantastic in motion!

Once I decided to draw the actual shapes with this same light, everything started to come together.

This neon looking render reminds me a lot of the Pac-Man Championship Edition aesthetic.

However, this is where progress has come to a halt. I keep coming back to the drawing board on a number of issues, some of which are probably just out of my skillset, and others that may be more difficult to work around.

Colors: The color choices I've made are not particularly good, and I've been struggling to come up with something better. I was dead set on a Red-Blue-Purple color scheme for a while, but getting those colors to work together has proven difficult. I'm toying with the idea of making the colors match the content – so cyan for Twitter, purple for Twitch, yellow for Mario Maker, etc.

Content: How do I get content onto the Light Grid? This question is half design, half technical; I could just make a box with an outline, but where do I lay it out on the grid? How do I make the outline draw with the light underneath?

Animation: I like the idea of the colors moving along the grid, but I need to teach myself how to use shaders and animation software to make it work. Wasn't one of my goals to make this easier to work with?

And more: Fonts, icons, thumbnails, video elements...

Of course, this all begs the question, "Why don't you just stick with what you've already got?" And the answer is that, for now, I am. Even though I'm proud of the redesign so far, I've grown quite tired of working on it, so I'm taking a break for a while. I still want to come back to it, of course – but if this new look is going to define me for the next several years, I want to make sure I get it right. Hopefully, when I come back to it, I can approach these issues with a fresh perspective!

Catching Up: The Blog

It's hard to believe that I've been running this blog for over seven years. That's the majority of my time on the internet! But besides the passage of time, it doesn't seem like that long because I kinda stopped keeping up with it about halfway through for various reasons – some of which include college, depression, Twitter, guilt, and trying to start a new blog from scratch (which also got tabled...). Regardless, I have the time, energy, and drive to write again, and this is the perfect space to do so!

Still, picking a blog back up after years of being in and out of the habit is a strange position to be in. Where do I even start? Do I comb through years of Twitter threads and forgotten projects to get my audience up to speed, or just pick back up with journaling like nothing happened? Dig through the past, or focus on the future?

How about I just... talk about the present!

Here's the plan: every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday through the rest of the year, I'll talk about how an important aspect of my life is going – whether it's a life update, a project I'm working on, or a bit of self-reflection. Some of this will be stuff I've talked about on Twitter already, but I'll be adding new context to them where I can... and even reveal some secrets I've been hiding. So there's something new for everyone, regardless of where or how long you've been reading!

Self-promotion aside, I'm also using this as a way of closing out the decade. As you'll see very soon, the 2010s have been a tumultuous few chapters of my life. So, I'm more than happy to wrap it up in a neat little bow, put it all behind me, and look towards a brighter future. (...Hopefully.)

Of course, life doesn't change just because the calendar does. But in the past year alone, I've been able to address some of the biggest challenges looming over me, even some that have lasted since the beginning of the decade. There's still a long way to go, but I'm proud of the progress I've made... and even a little confident that the rest will come in due time.

So it's time to slow down for a bit, look at how things are going, take stock of what needs to be done, and head into 2020 with hope for the future.

Real Life Acting

This may come as a shock to no one, but I’m not usually the most interesting person to be around in real life. While others are talking or doing things, I’m often lost in my own space, saying very little and not moving much. At best I’m usually invisible to others in the room, and at worst I’ve sometimes come off as cold or disinterested.

It turns out, in practice, that my first reaction when something happens is usually... nothing. My emotions are very responsive, but that stays entirely within my head; it doesn’t translate to anything tangible - my body isn’t emotive, and my brain is too busy processing to come up with something to say. This is probably 90% because of autism, but the other 35% is just because I was never around enough people growing up. There’s no social instinct that tells me what to do.

So my solution is to act out how I’m feeling. I put a megaphone to what my brain is processing and speak it out, putting effort into being as expressive as possible. In an almost cartoonish manner, I become a character who represents what I truly feel inside, and clearly showing others what that looks like.

In a way, this feels disingenuous, like I’m just overreacting and pretending how I feel about everything. Yet it is how I feel about everything - just not how I would react to it normally. And as I practice more and people respond favorably, it has started to become instinct in a few cases, a truly genuine response. In a way, I’m finding my own voice!

Plus, since I have little prior experience, I’m able to start with a blank slate and mold it into the character I want to show myself as. I get to choose the kinds of responses I give, ones that (hopefully) make people feel comfortable and happy. Of course, that’s still a work in progress, but I like to think that it’s working ^_^

I have no idea how much of this makes sense to read, but I hope it gives an interesting glimpse into how my introverted self is trying to break free from being stuck in my head all the time!

Catching Up: Working Full-Time

In one of the biggest moves I've had to make in my entire life, I started working full-time in March of this year (2019). All at once, I had to get my first car, look for my first place, and live somewhere new by myself for the first time. Thankfully, due to a series of miracles, everything worked out, and I am now a Real Adult! [citation needed]

The tagline I give to people unfamiliar with my work is that "I make software for boats that drive themselves." It's certainly not what I expected to be doing with my life; I wanted to make video games, but it turns out that's a really unstable industry to work in. Thankfully, working on remote boats isn't too far removed – there's a lot of UI work, 3D visualizations, AI path planning, and other video-game-y stuff! Quite often I struggle with understanding how to do all that, but everyone there is wonderful and more than willing to help me out.

The first few weeks of getting adjusted to my new life were really rough. I'd had jobs before, but they were part time, other people drove me to and from work, and I still lived with my parents. Rather than a gradual process of learning to drive, then to work, then to live on my own... I had to do it all at once. Even with some experience doing these things individually, it was completely overwhelming. Having several mental health issues did not help with this; I was sliding backwards every week, with less and less energy for myself. It's hard to get adjusted to adult life when you don't have any life left.

Luckily, the company has an excellent accommodation process. I was able to lower my work hours to 32 hours per week, which has significantly reduced the burden on my energy levels. This was actually a dream of mine since college – to work 30ish hours a week, so I could still do things in my spare time. I'm still struggling to do very much when I get home, so I'm not quite there, but I'm happy to be this close to my goal!

In addition, my mom moved in with me over the summer (more on that later). She's been helping with cleaning and cooking, for which I am eternally grateful; I never notice when things need cleaning, and all my attempts at cooking took three times as long as they were supposed to.

Unfortunately, between not having a degree, and working less hours... I don't make a whole lot of money. In fact, I'm paycheck to paycheck now that my mom is here with me. I have no money left to save, and often have to dig out of my savings when something goes wrong. And apparently, due to a company restructure, no one knows if they're getting raises or Christmas bonuses this year, so I might be stuck with this for the long term.

Obviously, I could bump up my work hours again. But it ultimately wouldn't make enough of a difference, even if it wasn't complete self-sabotage on my health. Mom's been looking for a job, but hasn't been able to land anything, even after dozens of applications. I could stream more or set up Ko-fi, but I'm struggling with my hobbies as is and monetizing them would kill my enjoyment of them altogether (more on streaming later).

I do have plans on how to tackle all the problems here – my energy levels, finances, and adult responsibilities. However, it's kind of a slow process, and in the meantime, working is the biggest thing in my life, to the detriment of all else. Pretty much everything I want to do with my life is being slowed down by this massive thing that I have to do with my life. It really sucks.

At the very least... the job itself is fine, I haven't missed any payments, the house is taken care of, and we're making it. The rest will come with time.