I Have A Lot Of Trouble Getting Out Of Bed And It Makes Functioning Much Harder Than It Already Is.

I have a lot of trouble getting out of bed and it makes functioning much harder than it already is.

Everyday I wake up, and for a slit second I have the whole day ahead of me. Then, I'll roll over and go back to bed. The sweet siren song of my pillows and sheets. Just a few more hours- I mean minutes. Just rest your eyes for a moment. Bask in the warm sun.

I wake up around 8 almost everyday. And I'd love to get out of bed and get started then, but it's like someone cut off my legs in my sleep. So I slip back asleep, and suddenly 8 has turned to 9, then 9 turns to 11, 11 to 1. My day, my life, slipping away.

Even now, I'm in bed when I should gave been up 2 hours ago. I should be leaving my appartment to get to work. Instead I'll have to get a Lyft, spending money I don't have on something I shouldn't need. But here I am, writing my woes onto my fucking tumblr instead.

It's one of the biggest reasons why i hate sleeping alone. When I have someone to get up with it's a lot easier.

I'm just so fucking tired. So tired of waking up exausted, tired of falling short, tired of every fucking day being a mountain to climb.

You'd think the days would get easier, that I would learn from my mistakes and how to control myself. You'd hope at least.

I guess I'll actually get up now. But there has to be something im missing. Something I

EDIT: well it's 10 minutes later and im out of bed and called out of work. feelin fine now but yo i need therapy like, yesterday.

Bet I have work this weekend but I'll be there this monday at 1pm but I have to get to a volunteer thing 20 minutes away by 2.

Do you wanna get sbarros?

let's get some greasy slices

I worry about you.

You said I was loved,

worthy of others & you.

I'm apprehensive.

Will you behold it?

Runoff from my punished heart?

Why won't you see me?

You turn to blue light

and I wonder for your sake.

Will it fulfill you?

oh my gosh there are like 17 of y'all now. Wowsers. I've been busy finding housing and trying to scrape together enough coin to make that happen. My phone broke too so I just downloaded Tumblr on the new one.

I've been doing witch activities recently. and I think this blog is a safe space to share my experiences and seekins.

as far as experience goes, I'm quite the novice. In magic I mean. but I'm exploring this part of me and trying to figure out what this is, and what it can be. to put it shortly, I am patient. I am open. I believe.

I bring this up because today I had much progress in this pursuit.

In the morning I communed with the sea. I grew up on the Raritan Bay, in my home and my love, New Jersey. It was a 10 minute walk to a quiet local beach. Despite this it had been years since I had fully communed with her. I regret taking her for granted. Especially because now I live a 45 minute drive from the ocean.

But I made it today, while it's still hot as fuck out. There was a lovely picnic, basking in the suns embrace, and of course, the bay.

I swam among the jellyfish with the friend who drove me. I helt held by the cool waves. I felt myself healing. I took my heart and mind stones in for a attunement before I left.

When we got back to the city I met my girlfriend.

I told her,

"Sorry I smell brackish."

She replied,

"you kinda have a brackish vibe all the time, it's really attractive."

It one of the best compliments I've ever received. I love that woman.

The day was not without stress. I struggled. I cried. There's a lot going on right now, I'm up in the air again.

But like, and this is gonna sound like a weird turn, Ive had this pumpkin from october of last year. She made it 11 months before she started growing mold.

This pumpkin has given me so much love and support these past few months. Everytime I saw it I would smile and laugh because it seemingly refused to decay.

It remained. Until now. A month from a year, and a month before my lease is up.

I said goodbye. Took a moment to thank her for the joy she's provided. Lit some insense and blew some smoke at her to send her off.

I kept the stem. Cut the flesh off, (which I'll make into paints later), and scrubbed away what was left of the pumpkin bits.

I love that pumpkin. I truly believe there's a joyful spirit inside of it, that I've fed and nurtured with my own joy and love. And it in turn has fed and nurtured me.

I made a necklace out of the stem. I believe that her sprit resides in it, and that that spirit is my friend. I get to take her with me wherever I want now, but I'm thinking about letting her cure so she doesn't get fucked up by moisture or something.

[the charms she wears are my heart and mind stones]

So yea, feeling very witchy rn. It's September so tis the season I suppose. But I remain excited for future lessons, experiences, and friends.

I asked to show you

my pain, old & beautiful.

Your disinterest shows.

My soul sparkles like

a desert of diamonds, or,

a sea of glitter.

"That's nice my darling."

You didn't look up to see

my shine, fades again.