About Sparx - Tumblr Posts

Why you gotta call me out like this? I'm so awkward.

I have no idea how anyone does that. I like to play at being tough, cynical, and soulless, but the truth is, I cry all the damned time. I didn't for years and now you can't fucking stop me. Commercials make me cry. Thinking about fudge cake and how delicious it is makes me cry. Putting on a shirt and having it fit me perfectly makes me cry. If you cry in front of me, I will start crying too. I weep at the sad things. I weep at the happy things. Billy Joel's song, "For the Longest Time" makes me bawl every single time I hear it. I'm just a crybaby and I don't care. I have big feelings and I'm glad to feel things, because thanks to trauma, I spent way too many years disconnected and feeling nothing at all.

Me, all the time^

how do people endure this world without constantly feeling like they have to burst into tears

A Victorian Quilt and the Power of Words

TW: Very brief mentions of SA and attempted un-aliving

This is kind of random, but it's 2am and I have no one to talk to about it, so here we are 😆 I really enjoy watching J. Draper's YouTube videos. She presents all these fascinating little historical tidbits about London and while I'm not traveled nor from the UK, I like interesting tidbits.

Tonight, I stumbled on one of her longer videos. I'm only halfway through it, but it's a deep dive into what it was like to be a Victorian in-home servant. They worked 6am to 10pm every day and had no days off and very little time for themselves. On their days off they had to be quiet so as to not disturb the family. And they were highly discouraged from reading anything but the Bible, because a maid who wanted to better herself or rise above her station was not considered desirable. So for many, all their downtime was spent sewing. Quilts and samplers. And in the Victoria & Albert Museum in Kensington, there's an interesting little bit of history. A sampler, 30x34 inches (84x74 cm). The height of two bowling pins, or six cans of Coke-a-Cola. And it's a bit plain as there is nothing on it but words. At first, I thought it was full of Bible verses. It's not.

It was a diary or autobiography if you wish to call it that, written by a house maid named Elizabeth Parker in 1830. Believing herself to be illiterate simply because she didn't know how to write with a pen, she told the story of her life, not in ink, but in tiny, precise red stitches. It tells of her family, her jobs, and her pain. Of how she was SA-ed by an employer and then thrown down the stairs for objecting to it. Of how she was so ashamed what happened that she never told anyone, not even her closest friends. That she attempted to end her life, because she didn't know how to cope with it. And her worries about the fate of her soul.

The sampler ends mid-sentence, though her life went on for many years, as a historian has since discovered. Elizabeth eventually became a school teacher and raised her sister's daughter after she died.

The story really threw me. I had to sit with it for a few minutes. We take so much for granted now. Not just things like laundry detergent and spreadable butter, which do make our lives much, much easier. But we really take for granted the way we can so easily communicate and experience communication. It gave me a chill, a shiver of appreciation for all that we have. Not just quick laundry and butter that easily glides over toast. But the way in which we can express ourselves, explore who we and others are. Talk to friends night and day. We can read books, and scribble quick notes on paper or phones, and tell stories to each other. Real ones. Fictional ones. Pixel ones.

Words have power. Our stories have power. The ability to share experiences and lessen the burden of pain with others, has an immense power. And it wasn't always something we had. It's something many people still don't have.

Whenever I complain about how hard it is to write, I am going to try to remember Elizabeth Parker. A woman who was so driven to tell her story, to leave a mark of her existence, that she spent the precious few available hours of her day pricking her fingers and sewing the details of her life into cloth, because it was her only means of satisfying the very human and real need to be seen and heard. And our ability to so easily do that now, isn't something I want to take for granted.

#elbows? Might be greedy, but I'd love some elbow joints without pain. Mine hurt 24/7.

they should invent a spine without pain

But seriously. You don't want both 🤣

I hate when people are like “so tell me about yourself :)”. What do you want like my trauma or my favorite color let’s be specific

I've had this in my drafts for a while now. Every day I open up my drafts, re-read it and then avoid posting it. The irony is not lost on me. Truth is, I have an anxious need to save things for rainy days. I don't really hoard (I grew up with that), but the things I do have, I'm afraid to use. I still have the last half inch of a bottle of my favorite perfume that is no longer available anywhere. It's been five years and instead of wearing it, I'm watching as the watermelon and amber scented liquid slowly evaporates, while I wait for just the right moment to use it. The perfect time to get the last of my joy out of it. There is no perfect time. It's a lesson the universe never stops trying to teach me, but I'm dense and always refuse to accept it. There are no perfect moments. No perfect stories. There is never the right time. There are just moments. Just stories. Just time. Just things meant to be consumed for the sake of joy and nothing more. So, today I'm posting this. And tomorrow, I think I'll be wearing the last of my Sorbetto Rosso. I will smell like a sexy fruit salad for no reason, other than because I want to.

I'm getting older. I'm aware that I'm not gonna be on this earth forever. And it's probably time I stop stalling the joys in my life by refusing to learn this lesson. You can't pin joy like a moth.

Maybe if I share this with others, I'll convince myself to stop holding onto things for rainy days. After all, every day is rainy somewhere in the world.

What's My Color?

Go ahead and tell me. This will be interesting, cuz I don't think I'm any of these 😆 Where's the option for oatmeal raisin cookie?

-Old soul -Very chewy -No one expects to see her at a party

The blorbo wasn't alone anymore 😭💖

@throughthejunobush have written fics over DMs that will never see the light of day, so I feel this in my soul.

Sometimes, a fic doesn't have to get published, it can just be a series of messages on a Discord channel, between a dedicated group of friends going "oooh, you know what else would be cool?" continuously over a period of weeks and months :)

🌸 If you get this, answer with 3 random facts about yourself and send it to the last 7 blogs in your notifications, anonymously or not! Let's get to know the person behind the blog. 🌸

Random facts, huh? Hmmm.

I wanted to be a fashion designer when I was a teenager, but I sucked at the actual sewing. So instead, I obsessively watch Project Runway reruns and critique all the designs like I have a clue what I'm talking about 🤣

I don't wear makeup on the daily. I'll throw on eye makeup every once in a great while, but unless I'm forced to for an event, I almost never wear foundation or blush or anything like that. I choose to look like a haggard swamp witch. That way, when I do put on makeup, everyone is impressed. It's all about keeping expectations low.

I collect coffee mugs, despite not drinking coffee. I have at least fifty. Am currently drinking water out of one that looks like Jason Voorhees' head.

Have a body feel the groove 😆I watch this twice a day and it's funny every single time.

Life...it never die

Women are my favorite guy

Wooooowwwww.

Um. Yep. This tracks.

of course i have a praise kink, i'm a burnt out former gifted child.

BINGO, BITCH! I'm clearing out my drafts so enjoy!

I didn't know how to answer the outline one. Sorta, but really no. I make notes and calendars and couple lists but I don't actually outline. Multifandom is weird too. I wrote one fic for another fandom. Just the one. And it's short. Does that count? Who knows? What are the rules to fanfiction writer bingo? HOW CAN I ANSWER THESE WITHOUT KNOWING THE RULES???

How many bingos do you get? 😂

I mean technically I could go with multi fandom writer as my Harry Potter stuff is still available on FF.net from when I was 18-21

It was at this time I roleplayed as well… 😬

But I mean the only thing that I’ve not got is the commissioner or received fan art based on a fic… unless a mood board counts then I could technically claim a full house…

Due to my husband being a man, I have 1.5 mile's worth of gasoline left in my tank after driving to work. I will be walking to the gas station after work to get a gas can so I can have enough gas to make it home. Someone sit me down with a crow and a warm cup of tea. I don't even need the vacation, just need to sit still and not stress for an hour.

For real, though. I'll go to second base with you 🤣

getting comments on ao3 makes me go so power hungry like. oh yeah you read the thing?? you read the WHOLE thing and even took time out of your day to give your WRITTEN INPUT on it???? make out with me.

Oh my god, I'm in love. This is stunning. Make it a tiny cottage instead of a giant house and then move me in immediately.

kjp on ig 🍂

Spent the weekend having to talk to strangers and this is accurate

No but seriously. True story.

I write for myself

*checks AO3 every few hours to see if I got any new kudos, comments or subscriptions*

Yessssss. I feel seen as a writer 🤣

The best ship dynamic is actually just. "I love you and it terrifies me. I'm terrified how much I need you and how much I want you to need me. I'm terrified I'm no good for you and I'm going to hurt you and ruin you and I'm terrified of how I feel when you're around me but I can't bear to push you away completely because I'm terrified to be without you so now we're stuck in limbo and that's terrifying too. I'm terrified that if I lost you now it'd destroy me and I'm terrified that it's too late to do anything about it. I love you. And it's terrifying."

Oof, too real. Too real. 2024 has a vendetta against me. Flooded basement, car broke down, furnace died, fell and injured knees, problems with my day job... so yeah. Physically I'm just going to work and pretending that my life isn't a dumpster fire inside a second larger burning dumpster. But spiritually I'm curled up in the fetal position, crying with a space heater on me (cuz of the furnace).

i’m not lying on the floor physically but i am lying on the floor spiritually

Spell your URL with a song title!

Thanks for the tags @queen-of-boops and @mrsbsmooth!

Sick - The Warning Pineapple Kryptonite - Atarashii Gakko! Amor Prohibido - Selena Ride the Lightning - Metallica Xanny - Billie Eilish August - Taylor Swift Fast Car - Tracy Chapman

This is a dog's breakfast if there ever was one 😂 I had to include a The Warning song and Sick is a great one. Other than that, I wish I had a G somewhere in my URL because Pineapple Kryptonite isn't my favorite Atarashii Gakko! song. That would be Giri Giri. Which... enjoy!