Ptsdlife - Tumblr Posts

I have no idea how anyone does that. I like to play at being tough, cynical, and soulless, but the truth is, I cry all the damned time. I didn't for years and now you can't fucking stop me. Commercials make me cry. Thinking about fudge cake and how delicious it is makes me cry. Putting on a shirt and having it fit me perfectly makes me cry. If you cry in front of me, I will start crying too. I weep at the sad things. I weep at the happy things. Billy Joel's song, "For the Longest Time" makes me bawl every single time I hear it. I'm just a crybaby and I don't care. I have big feelings and I'm glad to feel things, because thanks to trauma, I spent way too many years disconnected and feeling nothing at all.

Me, all the time^

how do people endure this world without constantly feeling like they have to burst into tears

(TW: mentions of smoking trauma. Trauma rant)

This may be a controversial topic. But if you suspect an idol of vaping or smoking, keep it to your fucking self. If they do smoke I don’t wanna know about it because it genuinely really triggers me when people point it out. Like I know this is a toxic idea but it really fucking changes my view of people when I find out the might smoke. Like I saw a Koreaboo post about an idol possibly accidentally showing a vape on live and it actually made me feel physically I’ll. Like I had a physical reaction and it’s actually made me feel really uncomfortable and shitty. Like my skin went clams and I literally felt myself go pale and my stomach turn. I have huge trauma around smoking and I can’t get over the way it makes me feel when rumours come up around people I look up to smoking. Like I know I have no right to feel like I’ve been betrayed by that idol if they are smoking but I do. And I’m sick of people pointing it out cause i literally feel myself tear up cause it feels like someone I trusted had stabbed me. And idk if it’s the autism or the CPTSD but it makes me feel physically ill. Like I’m not exaggerating when I say it literally made me go pale and feel like I couldn’t breathe. And like it’s not even as if I can try to avoid it because I already fucking do my best to avoid it but I literally can’t because it’s fucking everywhere. And I know I probably sound super selfish and self centred but can you guys just shut the fuck up and keep it to yourself if you suspect an idol of smoking. Like some of us don’t wanna know about that shit and y’all make it impossible to avoid it. I’m so fucking tired. I already feel like everything is going to fucking shit in my life and I’ve already had a fucking breakdown today and I’m so fucking tired and I fucking hate how much this has fucking affected me cause y’all can’t mind your own fucking business and keep your suspicions to yourselves.

I’m trapped. Literally. I’m constantly facing my triggers, again and again and again and again and again and again

I’m trapped inside my own head. I stare into space and everything becomes blurry, I’m back to where it all started. The emptiness, the abandonment, and the urge to self destruct.

Let the count down begin.

1

2

3

Family.

Bullshit. Absolute, utter bullshit. I was a toy. When I was no longer useful, I was tossed out like trash. I was abandoned.

Again.

Now, I’m back in the “ family”.

I’m facing my triggers every. Single. Fucking. Day.

I don’t know how much longer I can survive this. I’m going crazy. Everyone pities me.

Welcome old friend, have a seat. Make yourself comfy, get warm and cozy and I’ll remove the blood from my body to make a home for you.

Welcome home cptsd.

Me : crying and grieving

Also me when I see my fanfic get so many likes :