Self-destruction - Tumblr Posts

Tw: sh and suicide

My cuts from my last relapse are getting infected and there is pus and the skin is all red and inflamed and it hurts and I am so tired and just want to end it all...

It would be so easy to just take something and get it all over with...

Tw: sh

Strong urge to cut open my lip. Also the rest of my skin, but mostly just my lip. I also want to sew myself back together after I rip myself apart. Like, literally.

I am so confused?

Tw: sh and suicide

I'm gonna fucking cry. I am so sad and lonely and alone and hormonal.

I don't want to exist anymoreeeee.

I miss feeling whole. I miss sleeping. I miss everything.

Why do I feel so empty? Why do I need to cut myself open to feel whole? Why? WHYY?

Tw: sh

Was just thinking about cutting open my chest and stomach and seeing the blood run out of me.

Really wanted to do it but I know taht I shouldn't so I tried finding reasons not to.

I couldn't find anything and cried into my hoodie and then BAM!

I remembered that I was wearing his t-shirt and it still smells like him and I just cuddled into it and cried and tried to calm myself.

It kinda worked, I didn't relapse yet

Tw: sh

Sudden urge to cut myself open...

Blade beside me I'm just side eying it...

I want to feel anything else than this...

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!

Tw: sh

I want to swallow the glass splinters that I am using for art right now. I want to to feel it cut open my throat and fill it with blood.

It just looks so crunchy. So tasty. Just made to be eaten. Just a tiny piece won't hurt, right?

Tw: sh

If I could, I'd cut out all the bad and rotten parts of my body.

But it seems to me like there is nothing left to safe.

Tw: sh

Guess who just got broken up with and is on his way to the hospital to get stitches??

Yesss, you're right, it's meee!

Lulu’s Secret Desires by Veronika (Nika) Jensen www.facebook.com/lulus.secret.desires

OKAY I'VE SEEN A FEW THINGS ABOUT C!TOMMY'S ADDICTION TO INVISIBILITY POTIONS BUT NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT C!TUBBO BEING ADDICTED TO DRUGS AS WELL?? Both of these kids GREW UP in a drug van. They grew up in a place built on self destruction and addiction. They find different ways of dealing with shit, different kinds of drugs (Tommy invisibility potions because, as someone else said, he wants to disappear, and Tubbo pufferfish, because he's been fed poison in colourful spurts his entire life), but it all comes back to the same root. Wilbur. The one who showed them that was a great place to start.

I kinda want to develop myself by self-destruction

Self-Destruction

Usually it didn't bother him.

Life was shit. You did what you had to do to make it from day to day.

Sure, maybe he made some regrettable choices. Got tied into some piss-poor alliances. Set himself on a path of self-destruction.

The blood on his hands wasn't the blood of innocents. That was about all he had going for himself when he got into one of his dark moods. And it's not like he felt much remorse over the people he'd killed over the years, whether as a syndicate lackey or as a bounty hunter. Pretty much anyone he put a bullet or knife into (or beat down or blew up) had it coming to them.

Even so, he knew he wasn't a good man.

Faye would roll her eyes and remind him that nobody was good. (and then Ed would cartwheel by and Faye would grimace and Spike would raise his eyebrows like "you see? your argument is false." And Faye would throw her hands in the air and walk away because she had nothing else up her sleeve to deter his line of reasoning)

Jet would wax philosophical and Spike would tune it out because he was never high enough to hear all that and anyway he'd read books on Buddha and souls and all that jazz and none of it resonated enough to save him.

So he'd mope around the ship feeling like a shadow of a human, merely existing, and then some dangerous bounty head would be on the market and he'd take insane risks and maybe someone tough enough would mop the floor with him and he'd wind up on the couch in a state of drug addled pain filled misery that he knew he deserved.

Yeah, he was self-destructive. By force and by choice.

Getting hurt served him right.

Besides that, it made him actually feel alive.

I’m so tired of playing the back and forth game with my mental health. Every time I relapse and think, “okay, yeah, maybe THIS time, I’ll finally get it.” And that lasts for maybe 2 weeks if I’m lucky and then I watch myself just…stop. Stop getting up in the morning, forgot to eat for 3 days, oh shit I haven’t taken a shower either, stopped taking my meds at the right times and then just stopped all together, next thing I know I’m another suicide attempt back in the hospital. The worst part of it all is being SO self aware of it. I know I’m self destructing and I know that I don’t want to, except for some fucking reason I have to. This is going to kill me one day.

Self Combustion, David Demaret, 2013

I am too young and I’ve loved you too much.

Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov (via thelovejournals)

even though i should have hated you.

i am stuck in a perpetual cycle of making myself worse for i do not believe i can be better

oh noo i’m feeling vulnerable, i hope an older, possessive man into much younger girls isn’t here to get me…