Abuse Poem - Tumblr Posts

I want the dad back who picked me up from the school talent show and took me straight to Big Bear, pampering me with coloring books and hot baths.

Making me feel special inside, like I was in a different, more magical, sparkly world. Like everything was fun and tasted differently, because I was with him, and we were in the snow, in a little cabin.

Even just in his car on the way there I was the most special girl alive, the luckiest girl alive. He loved me. He liked me.

Enough to scoop me up and take me straight to fun.

Now my dad is dead, he’s full of gray, he’s never the same. He’s bitter where he used to be sweet. There’s dead ends where there used to be endless paths, escapades.

I don’t know if it’s my fault or his makeup. If it can’t be changed or if it’s because I changed, because I sullied it by growing up.

Where did I go wrong? Where did he start to change? When did he leave me, and become who he is now?

A cruel stranger, one who changes like the wind, one who I could never trust.

I love you but all you know how to do is hurt me I can only love you from afar From the safety of my bed I can look at your picture Without you tangled up in my life I can love you With the peace of your absence I can love you I can feel your warmth when you are gone When you’re next to me all I feel are burns. When I am safe from you I can love you When you can’t spew your acid at me I can feel your soft edges And I can love you When I can’t feel you When I can’t know you When I can’t hear you When I can’t see you When you’re far enough away to wonder if you’re still real When I’m far enough out of reach that not even your thoughts can touch me When I can’t be your prey in any way When you can’t touch me I can love you

I found your hard edges eventually sharpened what I thought was indefinitely soft gave me fear in your eyes where I thought was only love I got to know the real you and now all I see is a stranger

I used to be a smart girl Oh all the things you took away from me You beat me down til I barely had a brain And now I’m on all these meds And I’m just focused on surviving But I remember when I used to weave intricacies with my tongue And now it all feels forced; it all feels wrong Oh all the things you took away I used to think people were victims If they deigned to say they were stolen from But now I know just how easy a spirit can be taken Yeah you stole from me and now I’m trying to rebuild myself And I’m doing it better And it’s taking a whole lot of help But it doesn’t involve you Yeah I need nothing from you I just miss how I used to be smart girl I used to be a strong girl But somehow all you put me through left me weaker Now I’m a small girl Just like you wanted I miss how wide my mind used to be How specific I’d see Now I’m an average Jane Carved by an average joe I’ll get myself back But don’t know if I can say the same for you Because the truth is I have no idea who you are anymore And I don’t think you do too But I hope you get it together If not for my sake, for yours Yeah I hope you get it together And I’ll be a smart girl again I’ll be a smarter girl And I’ll stay far away from you