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I have made an error.

My brother attends a fairly exclusive private boys school that is incredibly religious.

He is going on this weird, intense camp with them next week and all the families have been asked to write personal letters saying why they love them and why they are proud of them.

I told my mother I was just going to enclose a massive drawing of a penis and she absolutely forbid me from doing so.

Anyway so the third page of my letter is a massive veiny penis with ‘SORRY MUM’ written as if it’s ejaculate.

Other quotes from my letter include

- I’m sorry this is handwritten, our printer is fucked. It feels so archaic I might as well be writing this on a cave wall in my own blood. - I am so much better at Pokemon than you. Sorry this isn’t a reason I love you, I’m just really good at Pokemon.

- Thanks for putting up with me even when I come into your room at 3am, drunk and insisting you smell the bacon lipgloss I found.

- My favourite moments between us are the ones where we’re drenched in animal blood, performing the appropriate sacrifices to maintain our youth.

- I’m proud of how quickly you can shove broccoli stems up your nose to diffuse tension at the dinner table.

And so on. These letters were submitted to the school yesterday.

I have just found out they are proofread by the principal and the school’s church leaders, and then read aloud to all the boys on the camp.

A Father is going to read the phrase ‘Suck it bitch’, directed at my brother, in front of 50 other 17 year old boys, whilst on church camp.