Hilarity Ensues - Tumblr Posts

From now on I am only accepting sexts in Dr. Seuss rhyme form

when ur asexual friend gives you good advice

OH MY GOD SO SOME RUDE GUY ON THE STREET PASSING BY ME SAID “TAKE THAT METAL OUT OF YOUR NOSE IT’S DISGUSTING” AND I SAID “TAKE YOUR JUDGMENTAL HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS YOU’RE DISGUSTING” AND THE PERSON WALKING BEHIND ME LAUGHED SO HARD SHE STOPPED WALKING

I love this comics

I have made an error.

My brother attends a fairly exclusive private boys school that is incredibly religious.

He is going on this weird, intense camp with them next week and all the families have been asked to write personal letters saying why they love them and why they are proud of them.

I told my mother I was just going to enclose a massive drawing of a penis and she absolutely forbid me from doing so.

Anyway so the third page of my letter is a massive veiny penis with ‘SORRY MUM’ written as if it’s ejaculate.

Other quotes from my letter include

- I’m sorry this is handwritten, our printer is fucked. It feels so archaic I might as well be writing this on a cave wall in my own blood. - I am so much better at Pokemon than you. Sorry this isn’t a reason I love you, I’m just really good at Pokemon.

- Thanks for putting up with me even when I come into your room at 3am, drunk and insisting you smell the bacon lipgloss I found.

- My favourite moments between us are the ones where we’re drenched in animal blood, performing the appropriate sacrifices to maintain our youth.

- I’m proud of how quickly you can shove broccoli stems up your nose to diffuse tension at the dinner table.

And so on. These letters were submitted to the school yesterday.

I have just found out they are proofread by the principal and the school’s church leaders, and then read aloud to all the boys on the camp.

A Father is going to read the phrase ‘Suck it bitch’, directed at my brother, in front of 50 other 17 year old boys, whilst on church camp.

the dragonborn is flawless in every way tbh

Okay guys here’s my everyday makeup tutorial as per popular request

did i ever tell u guys that in fifth grade my class wrote a play bc we were studying ancient greece? it was called persephone and the (not so hot) heroes. i played demeter. basically, persephone got kidnapped by kronos and i strong armed hades into giving me 3 heroes from the underworld to get her back but they were actually terrible and i forget how she was actually saved but bottom line is that you wish you were my fifth grade class

Here’s a short compliation of my favorite paranormal vines to help cheer everyone up

the shape of water’s fishman looks like he’d wait till the third date to have sex and when we did it’d be in the candlelight with a handpicked lovemaking playlist on in the background meanwhile venom looks like he’d raw me in a gas station bathroom at 3am

Apparently my director went to see a production of West Side Story a few years ago, and the guy playing Chino forgot his gun before coming out for his final scene. Once it got to the big scene where he is supposed to shoot Tony, he screeched “Poison Boots” and kicked the actor playing Tony until he went down. The girl playing Maria then had to jerk the shoe off of Chino’s foot, and had to do the gunshot scene asking “How many kicks Chino? How many kicks, and one kick left for me”. 

This will never NOT be funny

by unpopular demand and inspired by this post,

the lyrics of girl almighty finally make sense: It Was About Thor

anyone know where i can find that post with the video of that one guy playing that terrible skyrim romance mod story because i need to watch that shit again

I keep going back to watch this video it just captures my sense of humour perfectly

I've always been madly in love with the story of Tam Lin and your description of it as Beauty & the Beast's older cooler cousin is 100% my favorite thing, and I was wondering if you'd be willing to talk about your feelings on the matter a little bit.

don’t get me wrong, I love beauty and the beast, I could happily read/watch/etc. nothing else but beauty and the beast adaptations for the rest of my media-consuming days

but.

if beauty found herself in a tough situation and went “well, I guess I would bang a monster born of magic and bad decisions, that’s something I did not know about myself!!!” janet went ahead and put on sensible boots and marched into the enchanted castle pulling every rose she sees up by the roots and going “WHERE’S A GIRL SUPPOSED TO FUCK A BEAST AROUND HERE”

…also, when Tam Lin tries to tell her she’s trespassed on his magic castle, her response is That’s Not How Property Rights Work You Mystical Maidenhead-Taking Squatter, which I think we can all agree is amazing.

(for extra lols, you can imagine Tam Lin as Coming Out Of The Well To Bang and/or Steal From Womankind)

Anyway, my actual favorite part of the entire story is that presumably Janet just wanted to get rid of her pesky virginity in the most epic way possible and had no intention of sticking around past the initial banging-of-an-elf, because she goes home directly afterwards. This is the part I always like to imagine Tam Lin Languishing For Love Of Janet (The Best I Ever Had), and like. Sighing a lot, and looking forlornly into his well, and being a generally useless Romantic poet about everything.

He probably writes sad poetry about it. The rhymes are terrible.

Anyway, the only reason anyone brings it up again is because a few months later, Janet’s hugely pregnant and her dad finally, tentatively asks, “so uh….this baby. who….?”

 “NONE OF YOUR STUPID KNIGHTS THAT’S WHO,” Janet says, because Janet has no chill at all, no chill at all has she, and so she hies to Carterhaugh—

Anyway, she shows up on Halloween, because Janet has an appropriate sense of gothic timing, and Tam Lin is ecstatic to see her. He mentions super casually that actually he might die that night, presumably because he thinks this will convince her to bang one last one out. 

(“About to be sacrificed to Hell by the faeries” is a pretty good fuck-or-die scenario, incidentally.)

Except Janet’s response is “UM EXCUSE ME WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS ELDRITCH MAGIC BABY IF YOU ARE DEAD, ASSHOLE,” and because Janet has no chill, no chill at all, she demands to know how she’s going to break the stupid curse and get him back from the faeries.

At which point Tam Lin finally comes through with the iconic line, “hold me fast and fear me not” which everyone should quote over-liberally. Plus, you get the mental image of a very pregnant Janet holding onto Tam Lin as he turns into a wild wolf and a lion bold and a snake—

Afterwards, the Fairy Queen appears and admits defeat and lets them go back to Janet’s father, who presumably was cowed into accepting this weird ex-changeling knight as his son-in-law.

Which just goes to show what any woman can accomplish if she has a sensible pair of boots, a proper sense of gothic timing, and goes around fucking whoever or whatever shows up when she weeds the garden.

our entire dnd party got out-danced at a festival by the paladin’s elk steed’s nat20