This Will Never NOT Be Funny

This will never NOT be funny

Shit No One Told Me About My Period

I knew the basics before I got it, but I had no clue…

* The blood wouldn’t necessarily be red. When I first got my period, I spent a few min looking at my underwear wondering how I shit myself. I didn’t know the blood could look brown, or be thick.

* That tampons weren’t a good idea yet. I was 10 or 11 when I got my first period and physically smaller than an adult woman. My first attempt at inserting a tampon was very painful and unsuccessful. I wouldn’t use them until I was around 14 or so.

* That when you use pads the blood can get on your bottom and I’d have to occasionally clean off the toilet seat after using it.

* That getting your first period DOES NOT mean you’re fully developed and fully able to bear children. I could have technically gotten pregnant at that age, but I was still a child and pregnancy would have put my life in danger because I was still physically immature.

* That it wouldn’t be regular for another few years.

* That very painful cramping is NOT NORMAL once you reach your 20s and is cause for concern.

* That the blood and tissue you pass can look chunky or stringy and not like blood from a cut.

* That stress can halt your period for months BUT

* That doesn’t mean you can’t get pregnant

Feel free to add your own

"Wow, the new King Arthur movie is a Fresh take on a boring, overrated old legend! It is so Gritty and Realsitic and the characters aren't Boring Goody Two-Shoes Knights in Shining Armor, which is TOTALLY unheard of, automatically making it So Original!"

T.H. White: Lancelot is bisexual and in love with both Guenevere and Arthur, also he's ugly as a monkey and has sadistic tendencies he's deeply ashamed of, and his whole motivation for becoming the Best Knight Ever is that he's been wallowing in self-loathing ever since he was a child. Both Mordred and Agravaine have an incestuous obessession with their mother, mainly born out of Morgause's emotional manipulation and abuse. Also, Mordred is an albino with some big Issues, but also a charimastic political leader, a nationalistic Scostman and the trend-setter of Camelot. Merlin literally defies the rules of temporal progression by existing, and his relationship with Nimue isn't al that bad. Kay exists, and so do Sir Ector and Sir Pellinore and Palamedes and the Questing Beast. It's raining anti-totalitarian political allegories and social discourse, Hallelujah!

Marion Zimmer Bradley: Morgana is a sympathetic (Wiccan-)Celtic priestess, and she didn't actually plan to have Arthur's kid. Morgana is Mordred's mom but Morgause still exists and she's the one who raises him. Arthurian women are important and deserve POVs.

Phyllis Ann Karr: There is a sad lack of Kay sass. To fix this, Kay investigates a murder mystery with Mordred in order to save Guenevere and sasses people while he's at it.

The Librarians: What if Galahad was immortal and lived in a modern setting as a middle aged guy fighting against supernatural threats and preventing the Apocalypse-or-something-like-that-at-least with his younger colleagues all the time?

Once Upon a Time: Okay but what if MORALLY AMBIGUOUS ARTHUR

Fate/Stay Night: Okay but what if GENDERBEND ARTHUR IN MODERN SETTING

Camelot 3000: Okay but what if REINCARNATED GENDERBEND IN SPACE

Mordred, Bastard Son: What if gay

The Knights of Camelot series: Seconds that^

Merlin - L'enchanteur désenchanté: Vivian dropped out of magic high school when a Viking got her pregnant, but then she finds love again with Merlin, who's supposed to teach Lancelot how to find the Graal. Morgana helps Vortigern fight Arthur because she's still bitter Arthur likes Guenevere better than her. Lancelot gets briefly turned into a girl. Nothing makes sense but it's okay, kind of.

... and these are just the first ones I could think of off the top of my head tbh

In which Howl’s Moving Castle is full of those Relatable Millennial Feels

Sophie

Convinced she’s fated to be a failure by pervasive societal messages

Depressed and anxious to the point that leaving the house terrifies her

Constant excuses to not talk to people

Wears one color and it is grey (like her soul)

“I’m eighteen but I’m ninety at heart”

RAGE

Has to get away from her home so she moves into a terrifying moving castle bc it’s free and at this point why not

*everything’s on fire* “This is fine”

I KNOW EXACTLY HOW THE WORLD WORKS o wait shit fuck

Feelings? What are those? I only know cleaning.

Howl

Fancy degree that he has to move to another world to use

Loves his blood family but just… can’t be around them 

“Why don’t you have a real job”

Cannot handle responsibility

Is responsible for things anyway

“Howl we have no money” “I’m going to buy a skull”

Embodiment of Do It For The Aesthetic ™

also “treat yo self” 

Just Can’t anymore and has a meltdown over his hair (aka everything else in his life)

“Oh no I care for all these people why”

Overcharges rich people and undercharges poor people bc the system sucks

Last night on earth? Time to get wasted.

“I don’t care” he says caringly, while caring deeply.

Michael

Anxious bab

What is happening why this plz help

Stresses out over his homework only to find out the papers had gotten mixed up and he was doing the wrong thing

“I guess this now” :/

Better at adulting than the actual adults

Loves his gf so much and is so openly happy about it

A bit useless in a crisis

Tries so hard, gets so far

Found family is the best family

Calcifer

“I’m being exploited!”

Complains about everything

Bored. Just. So bored. Give him attention.

Used to be literal star but things went wrong and now he’s living in a fireplace

Eats everything and anything. 

“Guys I have arms be impressed by my arms”

Creates a castle for the Aesthetic that also looks like it’s about to fall apart and frightens people.

Oops he cares about these assholes now time to ride or die for them 

Watch: Kristen Bell opens up about the mental health double standard and how she manages her own struggle.

Follow @this-is-life-actually

an incomplete list of unsettling short stories I read in textbooks

the scarlet ibis

marigolds

the diamond necklace

the monkey’s paw

the open boat

the lady and the tiger

the minister’s black veil

an occurrence at owl creek bridge

a rose for emily

(I found that one by googling “short story corpse in the house,” first result)

the cask of amontillado

the yellow wallpaper

the most dangerous game

a good man is hard to find

some are well-known, some obscure, some I enjoy as an adult, all made me uncomfortable between the ages of 11-15

add your own weird shit, I wanna be literary and disturbed