Apparently I Had Thoughts About This - Tumblr Posts

Apparently I am not stopping at this. Because @halobearerhavoc​ pointed out something I absolutely forgot. So thanks? I guess. Here’s you tags so you can see what my thoughts spiralled off of. 

#When Shannon is dead and Mary tells Beatrice to stop treating it like just another report

#Bea says she “loved her to.. I just need something to focus on.” Which could be read as sadness.

#Or temptation to burn the world down being held back. That she doesn’t know how else to react if it’s not in anger or professionalism.

#< this part right here

#it's everything

#beatrice is a ball of internally controlled nerves and mechanisms waiting to open the floodgates of her rage

#but only when appropriate

#honestly this entire analysis is the most engrossing recap of what happened in the crimson fight i could have ever imagined

#it's so good

#and i think you're right about why beatrice didn't train ava too

#expanding on the similarities between superion and beatrice and calling attention to the subtext of the dialogue and visuals

#the concept of acceptable targets is molded in part by shame for physically acknowledging the part of you that could do others harm

#and beatrice would very much like to do harm to those who do others harm

#her self loathing is exponential and feeds on itself like an ouroboros

#it's part of why sister melanie's diary caused this cathartic reaction in her entire body

#because it wasn't just about being gay it was never just about being gay because beatrice is written as a wholly fleshed out human being

#it was also about Melanie's RAGE exploding into the physical world

#it was all of it

#and this is another incredible addition

#truly incredible analysis

#sister beatrice

#warrior nun

There are a few highlights in this for me. 

#beatrice is a ball of internally controlled nerves and mechanisms waiting to open the floodgates of her rage#but only when appropriate

Yes! That’s how Beatrice does rage. Even during the ‘fight’ with Ava she’s holding back those floodgates (mostly). She does raise her voice a bit but the moment she throws something in the suitcase she stops packing. She stops touching anything. She relies on making her point logically, with no name calling. It’s still sharp, she can’t hold it all back. Not anymore. She’s been holding it back for hours. Days. And it isn’t until Ava apologizes, acknowledges that she knows what she caused, that Bea actually expresses that anger. She even cuts herself off when she starts raising her voice too much until Ava asks ‘what’. She stands absolutely still while Ava is yelling. 

When Ava storms off she takes a moment to breath, to re-centre. To approach Ava from some place other than anger. When she follows after Ava she *whispers* whispers her name. A whisper Ava matches when she says she’s sorry and Beatrice continues when she denies that apology and offers her own. A whisper she continues when she says she understands where Ava is coming from (I trained my whole life for this and sometimes I forget that you haven’t). Returns to more a speaking voice when she says it’s her job to see Ava through this (professionalism! Yeah, Bea can do this). Then Ava asks if it’s just her job. And the whisper back “and my pleasure.” People who’ve never needed to control their anger don’t learn to pull it back like that. Not when it’s so raw and valid feeling. 

Which matches Beatrice’s fighting style. Assess all the factors. Devise a plan. Execute the plan. “Never spark a conflict until you have a complete understanding of your odds.” I really wonder if that’s how she was *before* the OCS.

#and beatrice would very much like to do harm to those who do others harm

#her self loathing is exponential and feeds on itself like an ouroboros

Ok, these two tie together in my mind. Because as we are presented Beatrice’s history it become more and more apparent that ‘those who do others harm’ included her parents. To her. Maybe not physical but certainly emotional and psychological. Maybe not maliciously but does that matter to little!Bea? No, it still hurts. And she doesn’t have the power or the influence to make them stop. Which is why anger. Anger is our guard dog. It protects us and ours. 

Beatrice’s guard dog was beaten every time it tried to protect her. Every time she tried to stand up for what she knew in her heart she was shamed. Until she learned to shame herself before they could. Because at least if she does it to herself first then her parents can’t/won’t. At least. Five year old logic, but Bea was five when she came up with this plan. And it worked, kinda. She was able to twist her self loathing and anger together into this ouroboros. Which meant she stopped raging against her parents in a no win game. 

Until she does have power. Does have influence and training and anger. Until she’s face with someone she can do harm to in order to stop them from doing harm to others. And it’s easy. So incredibly easy. It’s cathartic and empowering and bad wrong ‘how could you take joy in another’s pain don’t you even care about how I feel at all Beatrice?’ It’s everything her parents ever told her when she tried to stand up for herself against them. It’s wearing a mask not to protect her identity but to protect her emotions. 

the more i think about it, the more obvious it seems that beatrice was at one time way more outwardly angry at the world. her repressed demeanor and how she internalized her shame and faith and the projected deficiencies of others on her is where she was at before the ending of s2. and she had to work hard to get there, to that level of calm and control. after the years of training and praying and growing to look forward instead of backwards. that kind of internal work takes time and discipline

mary's comment about beatrice's narrative of why she joined the sisterhood reveals some level of dissonance between who mary sees beatrice as and how beatrice wants to be seen, and it never seemed like it was as simple as her being gay. that's because mary remembers when beatrice arrived. mary naturally being the force of calm for lilith and a guide for ava to find purpose in season one makes me think she could have played that role for beatrice at one point as well. instead of the buttoned up, aloof person we see now, i could see a younger beatrice as someone whose anger was undeniable. the way she gets when she fights for ava, but worn on her sleeve, intimidating and silently furious at the state of her life continuously

i imagine a younger beatrice who spent the first few years training for the ocs seething. it's why lilith never saw her as a rival for the halo - beatrice? burning so hot on the inside that she practically creates mirage lines when she enters a room? skilled, certainly, but that's no one to worry about as a contender for a leadership role. beatrice's attitude problem was ironically what allowed lilith to feel safe enough to grow close to her. she didn't even care about being halo bearer, only throwing herself into study and drills and combat practice so intensely that you'd think she barely saw her opponent and would rather be fighting herself anyway

while beatrice eventually became a trusted advisor, that was something that came about gradually, maybe even surprisingly. it took years to feel comfortable enough for her to even commit to the idea of sisterhood. a loner who arrives with an ominous roiling storm cloud under her brow wasn't the natural leader stepping into a predictable role. and it shows. the expectations placed on beatrice aren't something she humbly and gratefully accepted because of her many talents. her many talents had proven worthless to her, just like she felt after her exile to switzerland

the reason that beatrice is so well-respected in the ocs by those who have known her a long time isn't about her skills or her intelligence or her reliability alone. it's because they're proud of her. they saw her at her worst, her most self-loathing, her most despondent and embittered. yes, she still has some issues, some demons, but they don't talk about them unless she brings it up, because they're so proud of how far she's come and how hard she tries to be there for them and show that she cares

mother superion doesn't thoughtlessly put her faith in beatrice because of her competence, she does it because she has watched her change over time and work at being the friend, sister and leader she became. she's grateful for beatrice not because of her skillset or her pedigree but for how evident it is that she cares about her found family. because there was a time before when she didn't. when she was a very different person. maybe mother superion was similar when she was younger. she clearly had some fire in her as well in that flashback

and then you had shannon. beatrice specifically mentions her love of pranks to ava when she tells her about how being a nun didn't feel like a natural fit for her. this angry, solemn young woman who barely speaks to anyone else suddenly finding ridiculous incidents happening to her and around her that force her to lighten up, to laugh and feel like she's part of something. it says a lot about beatrice that it seems like she saw a little of herself in shannon and her intensity. maybe she was inspired by shannon's ability to still hold space for whimsy and camaraderie despite her burden. thinking about the hushed, trembling hope that watching mary and shannon together must have given her, and then knowing how it was snuffed out only helps contextualize why reading that journal broke beatrice the way that it did

i think all of the women of the ocs before shannon died helped beatrice grow into the version of beatrice that we meet in the first episode. it makes her leaving them in the s2 finale easier to sit with when they watched her evolve into a person capable of deciding what she wants in life and not just settling for what will have her. camila had a hard time letting go because she didn't know beatrice in those stormy days. but mother superion did, and knows what beatrice has lost since then, too. so she lets beatrice go easily. she always knew to be grateful for each day that beatrice woke up and decided to care for her sisters because it was never a given that it would happen in the first place