Bad Omens Smut - Tumblr Posts

another day of waking up and wishing i was getting my guts rearranged and being called a cumslut by noah instead of having to go to work sigh

Vampire Jolly is giving me Eric Northman vibes. I love it 😍🖤

Vampyr-Joakim "Jolly" Karlsson Drabble

*all pictures for cover found on pinterest. gif made by me. feel free to use, simply give credit*

Pairings: Vampire! Joakim "Jolly" Karlsson x Reader

Warnings: NSFW. mentions of blood, drinking blood, sex(p in v, rough, oral with male receiving), spanking, choking, degradation, swearing, fluff.

Summary: Joakim had spent centuries walking the earth alone, desperate to find someone to share his soul with. When he saw you, your essence radiating from your beauty, he refused to taint you with his own blood. No matter how much you begged him.

Authors Note: So this is for @cowpokeomens Bunny Summerween! You can find her introduction post HERE. I'm super stoked about this! This stemmed from a little conversation between me and @thatchickwiththecamera. Enjoy loves!

Summerween Prompts: "Oh, could just eat you up. Maybe I will.” and Graveyard.

TAGS: @blueskylinesx @missduffsblog @hayleylatour @sleepyomens @loeytuan98 @artificialbreezy @marvelousmal @bngurngheart @lma1986 @concreteemo @dsireland86 @wild-child-7747 @calleyx13 @illmakeyousaywow @jaded-and-hollow-souls @thatchickwiththecamera @itsafullmoon @shilohrosechicken @klutzy-kay24 @shadowseve @exitwoundsx @thisbicc @pathion @cookiesupplier @sammyjoeee @whenthesummerdies @toospooktocute @collective-heartbreak @anthemheatwave @exitwoundsx @joe9cool @madomens @xxkittenkissesxx @its-inourblood @amelia-acero

The heels of my shoes clicked against the concrete as I walked down the back halls lit but the dim overhead lamps. My deep breaths echoed in the vastness in front of me as the door at the end of the hall came closer into view. 

Ruby moonlight from the blood moon broke through the giant window as I walked past it, dawning the hallway with such a vigorous light, it made my skin buzz with excitement for what was to come on Hallows Eve.

On the other side of the door I could hear soft chords of a guitar and a smile slowly crept to my face. The large door creaked and groaned when I opened it causing the man at the computer to slowly turn towards me. The inside of the room was a vast difference than the cold and dreary hallway I’d walked down. 

Dark eyes peered up at me from underneath a hat and through the facial hair around his lips, I saw a ghost of a smile. 

“You’re not dressed yet?” I asked with my hands low on my hips. 

“Käraste,” he sighed my nickname.

“Joakim,” I mocked. “The party starts in an hour. We already told Noah that we’d be there.” 

He set down the guitar on the floor at his feet before leaning farther back in the computer chair. Even though the large gothic estate was secluded in the middle of a graveyard, Joakim still managed to modernize the inside as the eras went on. The music studio was the most recent upgrade since I’ve lived here. 

“I’m ready,” he shrugged. 

I peaked a brow at his black shirt and jeans, the starkness of his white shoes standing out. His long hair was cascading down his shoulders.

“And what are you supposed to be?” I wondered. 

His tongue flicked over his teeth, the sharp fang catching his bottom lip and a small dribble of blood dripped over his chin. Something low in my gut burned with the need to lick him clean but knew that Joakim would deny me. 

Like he always did. 

“I don’t want to taint your blood unless you're absolutely sure, Y/N. It’s too pure for this curse.”

I was a mere mortal in his world of vampires, wanting a way in but never getting over the fear of what would happen if I did. As much as he loved me, Joakim would never get over the guilt if he turned me and I ended up hating what I became. 

Something I was afraid of as well. He wanted to make sure I was completely on board with the decision. 

Joakim was one of Sweden's oldest vampires, becoming the first in 1623 then creating a long lineage of vampires in his wake as he walked the earth for centuries with the hopes of finding someone to spend the rest of his eternity with. Two years ago he found me alone in a cafe with a book in my lap. He kept his secret from me for a long while until one night when the cravings for blood were too strong for him to ignore and I caught him with his fangs deep in my next door neighbor's throat. 

Joakim thought I’d be afraid of his true nature but in fact, I was enthralled. I wanted to know more. It confused me how he was able to walk out in the bright daylight without getting burned to which he informed me that his nose ring worked as a daylight ring, allowing him to stand in the sun. 

I was tired of this mundane life and was desperate for something different. An eternal life with Joakim. I’d love him with my entire soul and the idea that someday I would grow old while he remained his youthful self made my heart ache. But again, he didn’t want to burden me with his curse. 

“That’s the most pathetic vampire costume I’ve ever seen,” I snickered while rolling my eyes. 

Joakim raised a brow. “And what are you supposed to be?”

I smoothed down the leather jumpsuit. “Selene. From Underworld.” 

“Ah,” he mused before rocking back and forth in his chair. “Do we have to go tonight? I’d much rather stay home with you, käraste.”

His eyes raked over the top of my breasts that were exposed due to the zipper of my suit that wasn’t pulled close completely. 

“You’ve been working non stop the last few days. Bad Omens isn’t going anywhere, love.” I extended a hand to him. 

His dark eyes flicked down to it where it lingered for a moment before it rested back on my breasts and if he didn’t wear a smile, I’d fear something heavy was plaguing his mind. 

“You’re looking quite delicious, Y/N. Come here,” Joakim spread his legs wide, an open invitation. 

Something flickered inside of me, setting my skin ablaze with the intensity from his gaze, and I knew what he wanted. He needed another taste of me. While he refused to change me, he did love the way my blood tasted. He never drank from the vein in my neck because he was afraid of going too deep so he always drank from my wrist. It was a euphoric experience and it burned my soul in the best way. 

With his legs still spread wide, I perched myself on his lap and felt the cold skin of his arms as they wrapped around me. No matter how warm my body ran, it did nothing against Joakim’s always cold body. 

His heart, however, was warm with his undying love for me. 

I left a tender kiss to his lips, tasting the beer he drank earlier, and hummed in delight when his tongue slipped inside. I paid no mind to how we both managed to fit in the computer chair, his kiss being the only thing I could focus on. His sharp fangs nipped at my bottom lip and soon the taste of crimson mindled with our saliva causing Joakim to groan. His cock was aching underneath his jeans as he rutted up into me. 

“Käraste,” he murmured against my lips. “I need more of you. Please.” 

His begs were enunciated with a tight grip on my hips as he moved my body slowly over his cock. 

Pulling away from the kiss, I gave him my exposed wrist and with murky eyes, Joakim snarled his lips for his fangs to swell then sunk them deep into my wrist. 

“Fuck,” I panted, feeling the pull and tug of blood as it left my body. 

Inky veins littered around his eyes as the paleness of his skin soon began to shine with color. It was then I realized how long he’d gone without a proper feeding. 

“Joakim,” I shuddered while knocking off his hat to brush away the strands of hair from his face. “When was the last time you fed?” 

Still attached to my wrist, the orbs of his eyes told me the answer. 

Too long. 

“My love. You know I’m always here if you need to feed. There’s no need to starve yourself,” I reminded him. 

With a large intake of breath, he released his fangs from my now raw skin and his chin was stained claret with my blood; such an unholy sight. 

“On your knees,” he demanded, suddenly pulling me from his lap and forcing me to my knees. “Take it out.” 

My fingers worked fast to undo Joakims button and zipper, pulling his aching cock free. Beads of precum slip through the slit and I licked my lips hungrily at hit. Blood from the wound on my wrist dripped down as I grasped him, slowly moving my hand up and down. 

Joakim’s head fell back against the chair again, a breathy moan falling from his lips when I finally took all of him in my mouth. The taste of my blood and his cum was a glorious mixture and the need for more drove me wild. I craved to know what his blood tasted like. 

Did it taste sweet like his soul?

Did it have a tangy aftertaste like his cum? 

I swirled my tongue over the sensitive head and then began bobbing my head up and down in a fast paced motion; one I knew drove him mad. 

“Jag behöver dig för evigt, käraste,” Jolly ran his fingers through my hair to hold my head in place as the head of his cock hit the back of my throat. 

I held him there for a long moment, sliding my tongue underneath his shaft which made an ungodly sound crawl out from his throat. All at once, I felt myself being lifted from the ground and wrapped my legs around Joakim’s waist. 

“Hold on tight,” he whispered in my ear. 

In a whirlwind flash, I felt my stomach drop then rise to my throat as we left the studio and ended up in our bedroom in a blink of an eye. He gently tossed me onto the bed and I giggled as I bounced. 

“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to your super speed,” I said. 

Joakim hummed low while standing at the edge of the bed, pants still undone and thick cock hanging over the band of his briefs. With swift movements, he then stood in front of me bare for all to see. I watched as he zoomed around the room to litter it with lit candles and soon, a melody of lofi and ambient beats filled the space. 

“As much as I love you in this costume. I need to see you without it,” he spoke with a growl and ripped off the leather from my body, peeling it away like a second skin. 

The everlasting glow of the flames casted him in an orange and red hue, showcasing every outline and color of the tattoos that covered his chest and arm. My blood had dried to his chin as his tongue lapped up what was left of the sticky substance. 

"Oh, could just eat you up. Maybe I will,” Joakim crawled over me leaving soft but yet rough kisses as his fangs dragged over the inside of my thigh. 

My nails dug into the thick muscles of his arms and pulled him up to me to drown myself in another one of his soul shattering kisses. His scent was all encompassing as it stained my skin and when I wrapped my legs around his waist, I felt the head of his cock brush up against my slick folds. He slid his cock up and down with slow strokes and I nearly whined while grasping at the clammy skin of his back. 

“Joakim, please,” I begged. “I can’t wait any longer.” 

Calloused fingers brushed back the hair from my face so those eyes cloaked with darkness could stare earnestly at me. 

“I’ll never make you wait for me,” he promised while finally slipping inside of me. 

Our groans of pleasure mixed together as the old bed beneath us creaked and scraped along the hardwood floors with every thrust. My back arched in an futile effort to make him go deeper. 

When we first began dating, Joakim was careful with me, never wanting to hurt me with his strength. But once I knew what he was, I made him vow to me to never hold back. I could take it. 

My squeals echoed in the large room as he pulled all the way out to flip me onto my stomach. 

“Fuck,” I cried when his palm laid a stinging slap to my perk ass.

“In the air. Now.”

Never wanting to disobey him, I raised my ass in the air so he could use two fingers to gather the wetness between my legs. Slow and methodical fingers played with my clit and I grasped at the pillow underneath me, bringing it closer to my chest. 

“What do you want, käraste?” 

Fangs grazed over my lower back and felt tiny little pricks, drawing blood. The flick of his tongue cleaning up the mess he left behind. Every little bite brought me closer and closer to the edge and I was ready to succumb to the euphoric bliss that awaited me. Many times before, I had an orgasm just from Joakim feeding on me, but now adding his fingers to my clit, it felt like my body was vibrating. 

Words were foreign to me all of a sudden so I pressed my ass against his hips which in turn earned another striking palm to the already redden cheek. 

“Words, Y/N. You know you need to use your words with me,” his deep voice demanded. 

“Please, my love. I want your cock,” I all but screamed when another three hard strikes landed. 

A gentle kiss to the angry skin. “Good girl.” 

My head fell to the bed when I felt him fill me up completely and this time, there was no holding back like he’d done before. His pace had a merciless rhythm as he wrapped an arm around my stomach while his other hand gripped my throat to hoist my back against his chest. Now as he fucked up into me, I let my head fall back on his shoulder. 

“Touch yourself,” he ordered with fangs leaving small marks along my neck. 

“Joakim,” I moaned once two delicate fingers began playing with my clit. 

It was all too much and I couldn’t focus on one of the feelings that ignited inside of me. 

While his thrusts were reckless, I could tell that Joakim was holding back from sinking his teeth farther into my throat. 

I exposed more of my neck to him with a silent invitation but I felt him shake his head behind me. 

“I can’t,” his grip around my throat tightened. 

My free hand reached behind me to bring his fangs closer. “I love you, Joakim. I won’t think less of you.” 

His hips stalled for a moment, an indication that he was close. “I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop. Your wrist is one thing. The blood in your neck smells different.” 

Haze filled eyes looked up at him and I nuzzled my face in the hairs of his chin stubble. 

“I want to spend all of eternity with you,” I proclaimed. 

Something changed in the air around us with my words and there was a small flicker of light behind his eyes as they flicked down to the thick vein in my neck, it pulsating with the need to be tasted. 

Still connected, Joakim began to slowly drag his cock in and out of me, bringing me even closer to my release. My hand fell away from my clit, unable to focus on the sensitive nub, and I watched through hooded eyes as he bit down on the inside of his wrist. His blood dripped down my chest and onto the sheets beneath us before he brought it to my lips. 

“Drink, käraste. Drink as much as you want. You won’t hurt me.” He assured me with a soft smile. 

His blood tasted sweet like his soul but had a tangy aftertaste the longer I drank from him. Crimson pooled out of my lips, down my chin, and covered my body. The brilliancy flooded my mind, my soul, and it seemed that I was losing myself, dissolving in pure ecstasy and happiness. It was as if a part of me that lay dormant suddenly awoken as the hunger I felt grew tenfold and I was desperate for more. My nails dragged at the tattoos on his arm, trying to bring Joakim’s wrist closer to me. 

“Vi kommer för alltid att vara sammanflätade. Våra själar kommer att förbli ett, och vi kommer aldrig att behöva leta efter varandra eftersom våra liv kommer att leva tillsammans,” Joakim murmured in his mother tongue before finally plunging his fangs into my throat. 

The sound of skin ripping tangled together with our joined release, him spilling himself inside of me, and as new life breathed into me, Joakim professed his love to me with each pull and tug of my blood. 

a lil Folio brain rot doesn’t hurt anyone😏

enemies to lovers? hate fucking? mean Nick? SIGN ME UP

tag list: @xxkittenkissesxx @as-above-so-below1000 @thefallennightmare @abiomens @alloraiona @itsafullmoon @thatchickwiththecamera @tinyfairies @english-fucker @lma1986

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NSFW under the cut ◡̈

Nick pants in your ear to the beat of each thrust of his hips. It's hot, your senses overwhelmed with the smell of him. His cologne mixed with the whiskey he took a shot of was intoxicating and you were drowning in him. Nick huff’s again, forcing you into the counter, making you gasp for air.

"You don't know how long i've wanted this," he moans, giving your clit a smack. "No fucking idea how long i’ve wanted you under me, crying for me. Getting fucked stupid. You’re so tight, shit. This your first time, baby?" His tone full of mockery, you seethe in the midst of your pleasure. Nick knows full well this isn't your first time, he also knew you were meeting someone tonight. You can’t believe you let this happen but he cornered you in the bathroom. Chuckled and turned the lock, and once his eyes met yours, you caved and you caved fast.

"This yours?" you ask, voice wavering with his thrusts. "Can't even fuck right."

Nick tuts, then reaches between you both. "Then why're you drippin' like this, huh? Whose cock has you moaning like a whore? Think you like being used, especially by me."

He reangles his hips, hitting a spot you didn't know you had. You screamed, and Nick reached to slap his hand over your mouth.

"Shut up! Fuck, that felt good, huh?”

You wail, pushing your thighs together in an attempt to not cum so fast. Your lower stomach tightens and burns.

"You gonna go be someone else's sloppy seconds? Gonna go call him and let him fuck you with my cum for lube? Fuck, that’s embarrassing, baby, m-maybe I should just take you back to mine, get you cleaned up-"

Your hand goes right on top of his, pulling it down from your mouth. "Nicky, more!" you cry, holding onto him desperately as he fucks into you deeper, causing little whines to fall from your mouth. Almost positive one of the guys can hear, and will bring it up later.

"Never wanna feel another pussy again. You gonna let me have it? Gonna let me ruin this cunt for anyone else, aren't you? Course you are, you fit me like a glove.”

You nod, hot tears falling, head fuzzy. You're squeezing him, trying so hard to hold off your orgasm. You usually hate when he speaks, but it seems he's finally putting his mouth to good use.

"I don't like sharing, baby. Come on, say it, tell me I can keep you,"

You cum, no warning. His name falling from your mouth, almost like a prayer, body fuzzy. Only thing on your mind is him.

"Oh fuck, yeah, Just like that, l'm gonna -"

He pulls out at the very last second, jerking himself off and cumming on your stomach. He keeps your hip in a death grip, that's going to bruise and honestly? You can't wait to see it.

He collapses against you, pressing a soft kiss to your tear stained cheek.

He sighs and puts himself back in his pants, running a hand through his hair and fixing himself up. Staring right at your used cunt, he asks, "So? Gonna let me keep you?"

You scoff. “Fuck me like that again, and yeah.”

The Devil's Advocate - Chapter 7

Pairing: Delinquent!Noah Sebastian X Pastor's Daughter!Reader

Summary: Noah is a delinquent with a lot of anger at the church. You're a pastor's daughter plagued by moral perfectionism, charged with overseeing the community service he's been sentenced to complete. You've never encountered true temptation before. How will you fare up against Noah, who not only isn't bound by the same rules of purity as you, but actively scoffs at them?

Rating: 18+ Minors DNI

Warnings: Angst, religious guilt, mentions of religious trauma, mentions of masturbation. Mentions of anti-choice propaganda.

Masterlist

Banner by @flowerynerds

Authors note: Maybe grab a cup of tea for this one.

_________

Noah Davis didn’t like to think of his actions in terms of morality. He understood that right and wrong were subjective. That life didn’t exist in binaries of good vs. evil, and that things like virtue and righteousness weren’t so easily defined. 

That didn’t mean there weren’t some steadfast rules he followed: 

Do his best to act in a way that aligns with his internal moral compass

Reduce harm much as possible

Do what’s best for the collective, while still keeping his best interests in mind

That line of thinking has served him well over the course of his lifetime. He’d freed himself from moral obligations and had done what he truly felt was best, and in doing so, he was able to walk through life with his head held high, standing by his actions. 

The idea that some of his behavior was sinful had not entered his mind since he formally left the church. 

But now, as he laid in bed, recovering from the tsunami of brain chemicals that just flooded his system, he felt like a sinner . 

The sin coursed through his body, sick and bittersweet. It flowed through his veins, infecting his cells and rotting his bones like a poison. Like a drug. 

He scrubbed a hand over his face, clammy palm meeting clammy forehead, cock still twitching with the aftershock. 

He’d expected you to put up more of a fight. He’d banked on you shutting him down, batting him away and telling him to behave himself, but you’d walked so willingly into his snare, so eager and needy, offering up yourself on a platter with almost no hesitation. 

It was a vile thing that you brought out of Noah. An ugly, profane creature that lurked in the shadows of his soul. He’d been aware of its existence in his periphery. It had been a sleeping beast. One he’d hoped he’d never have to contend with. 

But now? It had taken its first shuddering breath, and with it, thrown down its gauntlet. Its demand? You—not as a partner, but as a sacrifice. Sprawled out on an altar for it to consume and defile. To claim for the sake of hubris. 

Noah longed to find a way to cleanse himself—confess his sins and pray the rosary. Baptize himself in holy water. Take communion and walk forth a forgiven man. Would that be enough? 

War had been waged within Noah, and the odds were stacked against him. He was David, standing at the feet of Goliath. Jonah, staring down the gullet of the whale. 

He squeezed his eyes shut and the image of you at the apex of pleasure flashed across his vision. You’d made that offering to him. It was sacred. He’d cherish it for the rest of his life.  

_______

Noah had no holy water available to him to wash his sins away. He did have a hot shower, though, and at least that was a start. 

Turning on the water, he allowed the steam to gather in clouds around his bathroom. His skin had grown sticky with sweat, and his shoulders ached. As soon as he stepped under the spray, the tension began to dissipate. 

He pressed his forehead against the cool tile wall and allowed the stream to trickle down his back. 

He had a duty to himself—and to you. There was no denying his affection for you, but therein lied a glaring problem: you were ready for more. You deserved more. You deserved to push past these boundaries of purity and explore who you were outside of faith, and that made you vulnerable. Because whatever sickness lived inside Noah was itching to exploit that vulnerability. Not for your benefit, but for its own.

“Help me figure this out,” he whispered against the shower wall. It was a prayer in the most ironic sense. He wasn’t sure if he even believed in what he was praying to, but without any other ideas, it felt like the right thing to do. “I don’t want to hurt her, but I’m afraid.” 

He received nothing but silence in response. 

He scoffed at his own actions. What did he expect? Divine understanding? 

He grabbed the soap, lathering it up before scrubbing it over his disgusting, unclean body. Why did he even bother? He learned long ago that nobody was going to save him but himself. If he wanted his demons to die, he’d have to be the one to kill them. 

________

On a snowy Sunday morning, Noah didn’t have a church to attend, but he did have a pair of work boots, a heavy coat, and a trail through the woods that allowed him to commune with nature. 

He also had a pre-roll he stole from Nick, which he cupped against his jacket to light. It took a few tries. The wind wasn’t biting, but it was present, and it flickered the flame in his lighter. He eventually got it lit though, and he took a deep drag, holding the smoke in his lungs and waiting for it to take effect. 

Exhaling slowly through his nose, he closed his eyes to focus on the high setting in. His body began to lift, a warm, cloudy, hollow feeling expanding out from his chest to his limbs, and ten minutes later, the joint was spent and Noah was intricately connected to the forest around him.

He walked on the trail, delighting in the way the frozen leaves crunched under his boots. He forgot his gloves again, so he stuffed his hands in his pockets as he walked. 

You were probably in church right now. Might even be on stage leading the praise and worship music alongside Isaac, where you were safe. 

No, that wasn’t true. You deserved more than the life you’d find within the church. If you stayed put, you’d eventually find yourself on the arm of some 30-something with a trust fund and a perfect attendance record at Sunday school. You’d have to hide who you were from society, pretending to fit in where you didn’t belong. 

Noah dug his nails into the palms of his hands. He wanted you to have more than that, but he wasn’t the right person to give it to you. At least not in his current state. 

Giving up the idea of you was painful, yes. But it also gave him time to figure out how to contend with the ugly parts of himself. If he could let go of his desire for you, then he wouldn’t have to risk that part of him taking over. He could lock it back into the cage he’s kept it in for so many years and continue on in life as if nothing had ever happened. 

He’d never have to know that hunger again. 

He breathed in deep, allowing the frigid air to sting his lungs and throat. It wasn’t painful enough for him. He needed to toil and sweat and suffer to repent for his sins. He picked up his pace, letting his feet fall heavy onto the ground. Within a few minutes, his heart rate sped up, lungs stretching to accommodate his increased need for oxygen. All systems firing to pump fresh blood through his body. 

That helped. Maybe he could sweat the fever out. Force the toxicity to exit through carbon dioxide and leave it as an offering to the forest so it can convert it back to oxygen. 

He broke out into a run, thinking back to the time he caught you running in the rain and wondering if you’d been seeking the same energetic cleanse. 

You’d cried in his arms that night. 

He slowed his pace, down from a run to a jog. 

It was the first time he’d noticed something wrong—the first time he sensed that his control was slipping. 

A stray root caught his foot and he fell hard to the ground, catching himself with his palms and knees. He stayed there for a moment to assess his body and see if any damage had occurred, and when he found none, he rolled onto his back and laid in the snow and mud, stretching his arms and legs to the side and creating a snow angel. 

The snow fell lightly, catching on his eyelashes. He stuck out his tongue, allowing the tiny flakes to melt upon contact and tasting the nothingness of it all. 

He closed his eyes, and he was thirteen again. A nude magazine lay open on his floor. He’d just finished masturbating for the third time that day. Sobbing, he grabbed the leather belt hanging over his desk chair and whipped himself across the back with it. Harder this time than last. Perhaps with enough pain, he would learn his lesson. 

He bunched a shirt up and stuffed it into his mouth, biting down hard to muffle himself as he wept. God surely wouldn’t forgive him again after this. He would be sent to hell for being so unclean. 

For months, he’d tried to break this disgusting habit, but it was to no avail. He was sick and perverted, and lacked the self-control he needed to resist temptation.  

He didn’t want to go to confessional. He didn’t want to have to hear his priest’s disappointed voice telling him to say ten hail-marys. 

He took a deep, shuddering breath in, noticing how the icy air stabbed at his lungs. He didn’t want to dwell too long on that memory. He could already feel his throat constricting. 

It wasn’t until he befriended Ruffilo that he realized he wasn’t uniquely perverted. Ruffilo hadn’t been raised in a church. He talked about porn as if it was something exciting, rather than shameful. He’d been the first one to bring up the subject of masturbation, making casual comments and jokes about how often he got himself off. 

Ruffilo’s world—a world without shame—had been a foreign concept to Noah. After being exposed to it, he realized that faith and freedom were mutually exclusive. There was no way to balance the two, so he chose freedom and never looked back. 

Noah’s fingers found a frozen leaf. He caressed the edges, feeling how smooth they were and remembered brushing bits of leaves off your coat that time you’d jumped in the leaf pile. He remembered how you gasped when his frigid hands ghosted over the nape of your neck. He could have cut the tension with a knife. 

He couldn’t go back to the church. There was too much pain there to revisit. He cut off that part of him a long time ago, back when believing in God meant engaging in his own self-destruction. 

Being with you meant dipping his toes back in the water of religion. You and faith were a package deal. He knew that. You weren’t going to give it up any time soon, and certainly not for him. 

He closed his eyes again and felt the sting of saltwater. He wasn’t going to cry. He’d done enough of that in his adolescence. But the feelings were there, and they weren’t going to let him off the hook without being felt. 

It was you or self-preservation.

He inhaled deeply and forced himself back up, turning to start the long trek back to town. A conversation needed to be had. 

________

There was no priest to whom he could confess his sins, but there was Folio, and late on a Sunday afternoon, he could be found stoned in his room. 

“I fucked up,” he announced, standing in the doorway.

Nick was on his bed, controller in his hands and headset on. From where Noah stood, he couldn’t see the screen, but he guessed his friend was mowing down enemies in Call of Duty. 

“In the middle of something,” he said. “Give me a few.” 

Noah invited himself into the room and sat in Nick’s desk chair, observing the décor. Nick decorated his walls with posters of women in various states of undress. Some of them were holding fish. Others were posed on top of cars. 

His fishing rod and tackle box rested in the corner next to his desk. An electric drum kit lined the far wall. Clothes were strewn about the room, along with drumsticks, food wrappers, and half-empty water bottles. A few cans of beer spilled out of the overfull trash can. On the nightstand sat an ashtray with the spent ends of several blunts stuffed in the center. 

Quite the confessional booth. 

“What’s up?” he said, taking his headset off and turning his attention to Noah. 

“I fucked up,” Noah repeated. 

Nick blinked twice, but made no other movement. “Okay,” he said. “In what way?” 

“You already know.” 

“The pastor’s daughter?” Nick guessed, tilting his head lower to stare at Noah through furrowed brows. “Did you fuck her?” His tone was accusatory, and deservedly so. 

Noah shook his head. “Not exactly.” 

Nick turned on his bed to face Noah head-on. “What did you do?” 

Noah deliberated over exactly how much to tell his friend. What happened between the two of you last night was private and he didn’t want to share your business with someone else unless you said it was okay, but he needed to get some things off his chest. 

“So,” he began, taking a deep breath and shaking his head. “I think I need to stay away from her for a while. I’ve got some stuff to sort out and until I do, I might hurt her.” 

Nick gave himself time to fully process what Noah had just said. He inhaled deeply through his nose, letting his eyes drift away from Noah and relaxing his focus as he mulled it over. 

“You really care about her?” he asked. 

Noah nodded. 

“Want me to stay away from her, too?” It was an honest question, and Noah was suddenly struck with how much his friends cared about him. 

Noah squeezed and relaxed his hands a few times to increase circulation in his fingers. They were still cold from his walk. 

“No, actually. If anything, I think you’d be a really good influence for her. She could use someone like you.” 

Nick’s eyebrows pulled up in the center. He tilted his head to the side. “Why do you say that?” 

“She needs to have more fun,” he said. “She’s been repressed for a really long time and I think she’s ready to break out of that and live life.” 

Nick’s eyes went wide and he  pointed to his chest. “And you want me to be the one to help with that?” 

Noah didn’t want Nick to do that. The last thing he wanted was to see you enjoying yourself without him, but if it was between that and you staying miserable under the church’s influence, he at least wanted you to be happy. 

“I think you’d be good for her,” he said, working hard to make sure he didn’t sound bitter at all. 

“What if I fuck her?” he asked, his momentary sincerity seemingly over. 

Noah’s face dropped. “Don’t fuck her.” 

“But what if I do?” 

Noah clenched his jaw, grinding his molars together as he steadied himself. He knew Nick didn’t mean anything by it. He was just being himself and trying to rile Noah up, but Noah wasn’t about to give in. 

“Then make sure you’re on the same page with her about what it means. Don’t lead her on.” 

Nick chewed on his tongue. “Where is all this coming from?” He asked. “Why do you think you’ll hurt her?” 

“I guess,” Noah said, picking at a bit of dead skin on his lip, “It’s sort of just a gut feeling? I don’t know how to describe it, but there’s something in there that tells me I gotta sort myself out before I get involved with anyone.” 

Nick blinked up at his friend, softening. “I didn’t realize you were so serious about her.” 

“I don’t know what I feel,” said Noah. “I just need some time to figure that out.” 

“You okay?” he asked, hand coming up to scratch an itch at the back of his neck. 

Noah nodded. “I will be,” he said. It was true, he would be okay eventually. He was sure of that. He’d survived worse than this. He just needed to figure out what the best course of action would be. 

Nick’s eyes flicked back to the paused game on the screen. “So you’re saying it’s cool if I fuck her then?” he said. 

Nick could be a real asshole at times. He was abrasive by nature. Many found his personality overwhelming, but the ones who stuck around knew that he was an antagonist, not to be mean, but to challenge people—coax them out of their comfort zones and force them to confront their triggers. He wasn’t always right, and he often stuck his own foot in his mouth, but when he was right, he was so right, it made up for all the other times. 

This time, however, he used his skill to diffuse the tension. 

“Man, fuck you,” said Noah, slapping the ash tray off the end table. It tipped over sideways and spilled its contents onto Nick’s bed, coating his sheets with ash and spent roaches. 

“Bro!” Nick shouted, but Noah was already out of the room, hissing to himself with laughter, and Nick was too couch locked to chase him. 

________

“Noah said to tell you he’s sorry. He got called in for overtime again,” Nick said as he walked into the community center seven minutes late. 

Your heart sank. Not just because you wouldn’t get to see Noah, but because he could have easily texted this information to you himself. 

It was as you’d suspected. Noah was avoiding you.

Over the course of the week, you’d grown more and more stressed. Sunday was fine. You’d woken up feeling well rested, having dreamt of Noah throughout the night. At church, you couldn’t focus on any of the sermon because you were too consumed reliving the previous night. 

Monday came and went with no word from Noah. You thought for sure he would have texted you to say hi or check up on you. Some sort of acknowledgement that the dynamic between the two of you had shifted. But you’d also heard it was customary to wait three days. 

So you waited. 

By Wednesday, your patience had grown thin. You’d given him the benefit of the doubt, wondering if maybe he was nervous and waiting for you to reach out, so you had, sending him a casual hey . 

He never responded. You’d been checking your phone religiously over the course of the week, but it had been radio silence on his end. 

“Okay. Thanks for letting me know.” You kept a straight face and a steady voice while you spoke, but it took effort. “We’re supposed to be shoveling snow today but since there’s only us, I’m going to veto that.” 

Nick sighed in relief. “Thank god . I wasn’t built for the cold.” 

“Get inside,” you nodded towards the doors. “We’ll start with windows.” 

He offered up a salute and bounded through the doors, eager to escape the cold. 

As Nick got to work, you processed this information. 

Noah’s silence was deafening. 

Was this your punishment? Was God unhappy with your behavior and was this his way of letting you know? 

An element to this was fitting. This was the cost, you realized. This was the price you paid for giving into temptation. 

A bitter laugh escaped under your breath. 

Was the church right about everything? Was there a reason you shouldn’t fall into temptation? 

Maybe Hell did exist—and it wasn’t a lake of fire, but the absence of Heaven after you’d already tasted it.  

Even after everything, you probably would still have done it all over again if you had the opportunity. He’d introduced you to a part of yourself that had been dormant for a long time and for that, you were grateful. 

But the price was steep. 

Your biggest regret was that you hadn’t even gotten to touch him before it was all over. You felt so stupid. Why couldn’t you have held out a little longer? Resisted temptation until you had him fully within your grasp? 

But then again, perhaps the loss of him would be even more painful, wouldn’t it? 

You sighed and stretched your arms up, resting your forearms on your head as you observed Nick spraying down the windows with cleaner. 

You could get through this. It would be hard, but it was within your grasp. People have survived much worse. In the grand scheme of things, this heartache was minor. It would hurt for a while, but eventually you’d recover and life would go on. 

It was just a matter of getting to the other side. 

You wanted to remember this pain. Savor the full impact and hopefully this would be the only time you needed to learn this lesson. You’d grow, heal, and move on a better and stronger version of yourself. 

Eventually. 

Right now, you needed to focus on the task at hand: overseeing community service without getting yourself into any more trouble. And that’s what you were going to do.  ________

That did prove to be a tougher job than you anticipated. Nick was charismatic as ever and kept trying to get your attention. 

You’d throw him a bone every once in a while, if only because it genuinely did lift your spirits to be around him. He was a much safer presence. 

“How many weeks do I have left?” 

You were strewn across the back pew, doing your best not to wallow, but failing pretty spectacularly, when Nick’s voice broke you out of your ruminations. 

“I’m not sure,” you said, sitting up and looking at him. He leaned casually against the back of the pew, rag thrown over his shoulder. His fingers tapped a rhythm on the wood. “I have it written down somewhere. I’d have to look.” 

“Can you let me know next week?” he asked, bouncing on his heels. You could see what attracted Ava to him so much. 

“Yeah.” 

“Or actually, maybe this Friday. Isn’t that when your Christmas thing is?” 

You blinked stupidly up at him. You’d forgotten all about the upcoming showcase. 

“Oh, yeah. It is. I didn’t realize you knew about it.” 

“Yeah,” he said, and then shifted on his feet as if he was trying to figure out a way to avoid saying that Noah told him about it. Which would mean that Nick was also aware of the awkwardness between the two of you. 

“Were you thinking of going?” you asked. “You don’t have to.” 

“I thought it might be fun to see you sing,” he said, voice soft and lips smiling.  

You were momentarily taken aback. You didn’t think Nick cared about anything you were doing. The thought that he might be interested in your life outside of community service was one that hadn’t crossed your mind. 

“Really?” you asked. 

He looked side to side and nodded, as if it should have been obvious to you. 

“Nick, that would mean so much. I would love for you to come.” 

“Good,” he said, a self-satisfied smile back on his face. “But try not to suck or I won’t be donating anything.” 

You snorted loudly. “Thanks for the vote of confidence.” 

“Anytime.” 

The conversation died down, and you could feel the elephant in the room rearing its head. 

You could ask how Noah was doing. It wouldn’t be too out-of-character. But you’d give yourself away easily if you did. 

Besides, nothing good would come of it. If Noah wanted to contact you, he would. If he didn’t, then he was just someone you needed to get over. 

Nick lingered, just as hesitant to leave the conversation. 

“You doin’ okay?” he asked. 

You sighed, leaning into the back of the pew. “Yeah,” you said. “I’m fine.” 

“Wanna talk about it?” he asked. 

You rolled your head across the pew to look over at him. His face held a neutral expression, but there was softness in his eyes. 

“Maybe some other time,” you said. “Thank you, though.” 

“No problem,” he said. “I’m here if you need me.” He punctuated it with a squeeze to your shoulder and your hand came up to clasp over his on its own accord. He was warm, and truth be told, you really needed the gesture. 

Perhaps you’d be okay. 

_______

“And there were no signs prior to this?” 

“No,” you said, collapsing on Ava’s bed while she worked on her Contemporary Art project from her desk. It looked like a big lump of Styrofoam. She held a strip of sandpaper, rubbing it back and forth over a corner and causing little pieces to flake off and litter the desk and floor beneath her. 

“And neither of you talked beforehand about what it would mean?” 

“No,” you grumbled, recognizing your first mistake. You absolutely should have talked about what it meant for the both of you before doing anything, and you can’t understand why you’d been so foolish to skip over that. “It just sort of…happened?” 

Ava fixed you with an imploring stare. 

“Babe, I’m really sorry that you got hurt, but. I don’t know,” she began. “Aren’t you always the one preaching about that kind of thing? It seems like you could have used a little bit of your own advice, don’t you think?” 

You turned over and let out a loud groan into Ava’s pillow. 

“Not helping.” 

“I know, I know. That was probably insensitive. I just,” she trailed off, turning back to her project. “Maybe this was a lesson you needed to learn? Not to look down on others for the things they struggle with. And maybe also to recognize that we’re all human. We’re all sinners. Even you?” 

You pouted. “You really think I needed to learn that?” 

“You’ve been known to judge in the past.” 

“I’ve been better about that!” you said, throwing your hands up in the air. 

“I know,” she said. “I know you have.” She pouted back at you. “Maybe I’m not the best person for this kind of talk.” 

You sighed, crossing your arms over your stomach. “No, you’re fine. I think I’m just feeling sorry for myself is all.” 

Ava got up from her desk, brushing as many Styrofoam flakes from her clothes as she could, and crawled into her bed with you, wrapping her arms around your shoulders. You melded into her touch. “You’re allowed to feel hurt. He did send you mixed signals.” 

“What about you and Nick?” you asked. She chewed on her lip for a moment. 

“Nick and I…we talked about it beforehand. We knew it was just for that night going into it.” She rested her chin on your shoulder. 

“You didn’t want to pursue anything more?” 

Ava shrugged beside you. “Neither of us is looking for anything.” 

You leaned your head on her shoulder. It would have been nice had you had the same disposition going into the encounter with Noah. You could have just enjoyed it for what it was and then went your separate ways without any complicated feelings. You admired Ava’s ability to do that. 

“You’re right,” you said. “We should have talked about it beforehand. Made sure we were on the same page.” 

You turned to bury your face in her shoulder, squeezing your eyes shut to keep any tears from escaping. 

“It doesn’t always work out that way,” she said. “Don’t judge yourself for your mistakes.” 

She stroked your back as you failed to prevent your eyes from leaking. “Is it okay if I cry on you?” you asked, voice muffled by her shirt, a stray piece of Styrofoam finding its way into your mouth. 

“Babe, of course. I’m here for you.” 

You nodded into her shoulder, allowing the first of many sobs to fall. She continued to stroke your back, soothing you as you wept. 

It hurt. You’d trusted Noah to care for you. You never would have believed him to be the type to get what he wants and then not call. 

Plus, he still had five weeks of community service (you’d checked), and there wasn’t any way he could get out of that. 

“How am I supposed to face him on Saturday?” you whined. 

“Hmmm,” she said. “Is Folio talking to you?” 

“Yeah,” you sniffed. “He’s actually been really nice.” 

“What if you just talk to him? Use him as a distraction so you don’t have to talk to Noah. Who knows? Maybe having fun with him would help you move on.” 

You pulled away to look at her. 

“You mean like…?” you trailed off. 

She laughed. “I’m not saying have sex with the guy,” she said. “I doubt he’d do that since Noah’s like, his best friend. But he’s a good guy and he’s fun to be around. And you could use that kind of energy in your life.” 

You sniffled again and let your head drop back down to rest on her, spitting out another fleck of Styrofoam. It truly was everywhere. 

You doubted that hanging out with Nick would help you get over Noah. If anything, it would just remind you of him. But you did need more friends in your life, and he was someone you could see yourself getting along with. 

Perhaps focusing on your friendships would help. You squeezed Ava’s middle. 

“I love you,” you said. “Please be my friend forever.” 

She breathed softly, squeezing you back. “If you play your cards right.” 

______

Friday’s showcase had a much larger turnout than expected. People lined the pews and even stood in the back after all the available seats had been filled. You peeked through one of the side doors that entered onto the stage and saw Nick sitting in a middle row. Ava sat a few rows in front of him. She caught your eye and gave you a big thumbs-up for good luck. 

Your eyes scanned over the crowd, searching for a tall, tattooed figure and coming up short. 

He said he was going to come. He was the one who had pressed you for the information in the first place. 

You looked down at your phone screen. 6:53. He still had seven minutes to make it. 

You exhaled a deep breath and shook your hands out, trying to calm your nerves. 

“Want to pray?” came Isaac’s deep voice to your right. You looked over to find him standing quite close to you. His usual v-neck and beanie had been swapped out for a white button-down and black tie, sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His hair was tied neatly in a bun atop his head. 

“Sure,” you breathed, figuring you could use some prayer. 

He grasped your hands in his. His were warm. Steady. They helped to soothe your nerves. 

“God,” he began, “please watch over us and guide us as we work to spread the good news of Jesus’s birth. Let us not falter. Allow our voices to ring true and fall on ears willing to hear. In your name. Amen.” 

“Amen,” you repeated, working hard not to roll your eyes. 

It wasn’t that you didn’t appreciate the prayer. It was just that Isaac talked as if he were living a hundred years ago, trying his best to sound profound, and you weren’t entirely convinced it was solely for God’s listening pleasure. He was a performer, after all. 

He squeezed your hands, smiling. “Almost time. Are you nervous?” he asked. 

“A little bit,” you said, noticing the discomfort in your gut. 

“Don’t be. You’ve got this. It’s just the one solo and then you’re in the choir for the rest of it.” His thumbs rubbed over the backs of your hands, and you were about to pull your hands away from him, but it actually was quite soothing. He seemed like he genuinely cared about you. And he smelled nice. Some sort of expensive-smelling cologne that was the complete opposite of whatever spiced oil Noah wore, but in a really good, clean way. 

“You look great, by the way,” he added, taking a step back and giving you a once-over. “I like the dress.” 

The dress in question was a high-necked A-line in a bright shade of red to match the holiday theme (Christmas theme, your father would correct you, because apparently no other holidays existed to him). 

You wore a dark green cardigan overtop, along with a gold necklace and black heels. Your lips were painted to match the dress. It was the most dressed-up you’d been since last Christmas. When you chose the outfit, you were still under the impression that a certain tattooed someone would see it. 

“Thanks,” you said. 

You could tell by the way Isaac lingered that he wanted to continue the conversation, but you didn’t feel much like talking. Needing an exit, you excused yourself to go get a drink of water. 

Weaving through other soloists and members of the church choir, you made your way down one of the two hallways that flanked either side of the main sanctuary. You rounded the corner, where one of the members of your church’s worship band—Darian—was passing out programs for the event. 

“Hey! You ready for your solo?” he asked when he saw you. 

You smiled, breathing out a nervous laugh. “Yeah,” you said, scanning the stragglers still arriving for any sign of Noah. 

“I’d be nervous if I was on first,” he said. You took your eyes off the latecomers and looked to find him smiling encouragingly at you. 

“Yeah,” you said, shifting your weight awkwardly. “Isaac insisted for some reason that I open.” 

Your stomach sank even more. You couldn’t see Noah anywhere. 

“He mentioned it was because your song would set the tone for the evening,” said Darian, but you were only half-listening. “Do you want one of these?” 

You looked back at him. “What?”

He held out a program for you to take. “In case you wanted to keep it. For posterity, or scrapbooking or whatever.” 

“Yeah, sure,” you said, grabbing it without really thinking. 

Your emotional bandwidth had been all but used up, chest tight and head foggy. You felt bad that you weren’t really engaging in conversation, or even paying attention to it for that matter, but hoped Darian would forgive you. 

Sensing that you weren’t in the headspace to talk, Darian wished you luck and went back to handing out programs. You thanked him and continued walking across the foyer and down the opposite hallway with no real destination in mind. You were to go on in less than a minute. 

You shook your head, trying to get out of it and into your body. You needed to connect with your voice in order to perform, but you couldn’t seem to steady your breathing. 

The sanctuary was laid out in a rectangle, with the foyer lining the back, hallways with classrooms running the length of either side, and then a room behind the main stage, so from where you stood at the end of the hall, you could see through the windows of the doors to the stage that the lights had dimmed. 

Isaac walked out to the center of the stage from the hallway opposite you. A spotlight appeared on him, and with an abundance of charismatic charm, he thanked the audience that had gathered, before leading them in yet another prayer to bless the evening’s performance and to let God’s will be done. 

Throughout the entirety of his introduction, you’d zoned in and out. Your nerves ate at you, consuming your focus and leaving you feeling detached from your surroundings. 

You’d performed this song a dozen times at least, and in front of much of the same audience, too. You performed every week in front of the congregation on Sundays. Perhaps you’d struggled with stage fright at one point in your life, a decade ago when you were still fairly new to performing, but these days you were at-home in front of a microphone. 

And yet. 

Your knees shook. A cold sweat had broken out on the back of your neck, and your stomach clenched and released several times in quick succession. 

“Ladies and Gentlemen, please enjoy O Holy Night, performed by my dear personal friend, and co-leader of our praise and worship team,” Isaac began. 

You heard your name being called, snapping you out of the haze. 

The audience applauded. Isaac gestured to the doorway opposite you, where he assumed you would be entering from. 

Taking a deep breath, you opened the door and walked to the center of the stage. Isaac turned when he heard the doors open, looking caught off-guard for a moment, but he recovered quickly, gesturing to you and clapping to signal to the audience that they should keep their applause going. 

He slowly backed away and gave you a double thumbs-up before exiting the stage. 

Recognizing you were still holding the program Darian had handed you, you clasped your hands behind your back and stepped up to the microphone. 

The soft piano intro played out over the loud speakers. You closed your eyes and inhaled deeply. 

O holy night,  

The stars are brightly shining,  

It is the night of our dear savior’s birth.  

The first note came out shaky. You’d pushed too hard with your diaphragm, allowing more air than was needed to pass through your vocal folds. You closed your eyes and focused on breath control, feeling the spotlight heat your skin. 

Long lay the world 

In sin and error pining  

‘till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.  

Back in the late 1843, a church in the south of France had its organ renovated. After the renovations were complete, the church reached out to a French poet by the name of Placide Cappeau, asking him to write a poem that could be used as a hymn. In response, Cappeau penned the first iteration of O Holy Night.  

Placide Cappeau was a known atheist.  

A thrill of hope. The weary world rejoices  

When the Catholic Church got wind of an atheist creating a Christmas carol, they did their best to bury the song. They claimed it lacked musical flavor. At the time, the idea of all men and women owning souls was highly radical. 

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.  

O Holy Night has since become one of the most popular Christmas carols known to western society, thanks in part to John Sullivan Dwight translating it to English in 1855. 

You knew this, because you’d written a history of the carol for an end-of-semester project back when you went to high school at Calvary Baptist. 

Fall on your knees. O hear the angel voices,  

At the time, you’d wondered how an atheist—someone who, in your mind, stood against everything you stood for, could write such a beautiful song that touched the hearts of you and so many others. 

O night, divine. O night, when Christ was born.  

How could someone with no connection to God write something that so clearly captures the essence of the Holy Spirit?

You chanced a look out at the crowd, once more searching for the familiar face you so wanted to see. The atheist who understood more about Christ’s love than so many in the church ever would, and found no sign of him. 

You squeezed your eyes shut, preparing for the high note that signaled the climax of the song. 

O night, O holy night. 

Your voice rang out, loud and with a pleasing vibrato you’d finally learned to control three years ago. You paused for effect. The music cut out, and you sang the last line. 

O night divine!  

It was over. You’d done it. The piano melody came back in for the closing notes, and you curtseyed elegantly as the crowd applauded. 

You exited through the same doors you entered, heading straight for the restroom so you could take a moment to yourself before you had to be back on stage in the choir for O Come All Ye Faithful.  

Placing your program on the sink counter, you ran your hands under cool water, intending to splash some on your face when a small blurb on the bottom of the pamphlet caught your eye. 

Collection plates will be passed around. Please help us save countless unborn lives by making a donation. 

Unborn lives. 

Isaac was donating the proceeds to a pro-life organization. 

You’d been unknowingly roped in to an anti-choice fundraiser. 

A wave of anger erupted from deep within you, washing over your entire body and pulsating through it. 

You snatched the program from the counter, storming out the bathroom, across the foyer, and to the adjacent hallway Isaac stood at the end of. 

“What the Hell, Isaac!?” you near-shouted, bounding toward him. 

Isaac’s eyes widened upon your approach. He took several steps back, running into two of the other choir members, but it wasn’t enough. You slammed the program into his sternum. 

“Whoa!” he said, grasping the program you’d thrust at him with one hand and holding the other out to keep you from coming any closer. “Where’s the fire?” 

“What is this?!” you said, stabbing the program on his chest with your finger where the blurb appeared. 

He looked at you bewildered, then down to where your index finger pushed into his chest, and then back to you like you were a mad woman. “We said we wanted to give the proceeds to charity.” 

“Yeah,” you said, ripping the program out of his hand and throwing it down at his feet. “Like a soup kitchen or a toy drive. Not to Life Alliance!” 

Isaac’s eyebrows pulled together in blatant confusion. “What’s better than saving innocent lives?” he said. 

“Oh my God,” you scoffed, not caring whether or not it counted as taking the Lord’s name in vain. 

 Suddenly all the air in the room felt like it had been vacuumed out and you found yourself struggling to breathe. 

Taking a step backwards, it dawned on you that this was your limit. The church had compressed you your entire life, and you’d finally reached your breaking point. “I can’t participate in this.” You said it not to Isaac, but to yourself. “I have to go.” 

“Hey! Hold on,” Isaac said. “You can’t leave. You’re our first soprano. We need you for the high G.” 

You shook your head, turning on your heel. You wouldn’t have been able to hit that note even if you wanted to with how your throat was constricting. 

“We can talk about this. Maybe we can do more than one charity,” he said, but you were already halfway down the hall, tears threatening to spill over. 

The heels you wore made it hard to run down the icy sidewalk, but run you did. Down the sidewalk, down the street. You didn’t stop running until you’d put several blocks between you and the church. 

You’d once thought of it as a sacred place—a home away from home. 

Now, the only time you felt at home in it was on Saturday mornings, sharing the space with two delinquents who didn’t even believe in God. 

Nowhere felt sacred anymore. 

Nowhere except the shed in the backyard of Jolly’s house. But you were cut off from that now, too. 

Where did you belong now?  __________ How are we all feeling after that? Also, if anyone has any artistic skills and would like to help me make a moldboard or a banner or something for this story, I would be forever grateful!

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Destroy Me More

noah sebastian x reader 

Content warning: smut (clearly), oral (f. & m. receiving) fingering, squirting

word count: 1.6k

MINORS DNI 18+

it surprised everyone when you two got together because everyone said the same thing every time. “he seems so shy compared to you.” maybe everyone thought that because he mainly kept to himself and his friend group but no one knew how much control he truly had over you. 

“just imagine the look on everyone’s faces if they knew how much of a slut you are for me.” he says as you run your tongue along his dick. you look up at him with big doe eyes and he smirks, he loves this sight and can’t help but to tease you. you kiss the tip then begin to take him in your mouth, he grabs the back of your head with his tattooed hand to push you further and you breathe through your nose to help yourself as you begin to bob your head. his eyes can’t help but to look at the bulge in throat caused by him. 

he apologized when he heard you gag and wiped away the tears forming in your eyes. he usually didn’t expect you to deep throat him but you just wanted to please him more than usual today. he felt heavy on your tongue and the way his hips twitched, you knew he was close. he pushes himself to the back of your throat when he cums so all you can do is swallow it. when he pulls away, you can feel a bit on the corner of your mouth which he cleans with his thumb and puts it in your mouth. you hum as you suck and he groans at the sight.

“you just think you’re so fuckin cute, don’t you?” his voice makes you whine and send shivers down your spine. “acting like a bitch in heat, just for me.”

“only for you, sir.” those words set him off because the next thing you knew, you were on the bed with noah’s face right in front of yours.

pressing his lips against yours harshly and you give back the same passion. he pulled away to remove his shirt and you looked at him with pure lust swimming in your eyes. sitting up to get a better look at him, you ran your hands up his firm ink covered chest and cupped his face. lust may be the main feeling in your body right now but love was all you felt for him. his brown eyes almost looked black, his lips felt swollen as you ran your thumb over them, and his face was pink due to you studying him.

“i love you.” was all that you told before kissing him again. 

“i love you too.” he spoke between kisses and he grinds his hips against yours which causes you to whine. his tongue moves against yours, your fingers threaded through his hair and tugged. he moans at the feeling, his hands moves down your body and runs his fingers lightly up your thigh. he purposely avoids touching where you need him and grips your hip instead. you pull away and whine at him.

“what’s wrong, my love?” he asks with false innocence. 

“now you’re just being mean.” you pout at him and he chuckles. 

“I mean we can stop he-“ “no!” You shout at him. “i’m sorry! i don’t want you to stop.”

“ask nicely and you’ll get what you want.” he smirked as your face became flushed. “please don’t make me say it.” he hums at your response then starts getting up.

“can you please touch me, sir?” you ask in a small voice as you grab his arm. “you gotta say where baby.” he knew you hated saying where you wanted him, you got so embarrassed about it and he loves it.

“please finger me, sir.” you whimper to him and he felt like he could cum again right then and there. “of course baby.”

he pushes you back down, leaving love bites on your neck, breasts, some on your navel while trailing down your body until he gets to the band of your underwear and then starts tugging them off. you lift your hips to help, he pulls them off and throws them somewhere behind him. when you spread your legs, you shiver due to the cool air and he smirks at how wet you already are. his thumb presses against your clit and you jolt at the feeling. 

“more, please!” he hasn’t even started yet but you could cum just from this simple pleasure.

he starts rubbing in circles and your eyes closed while you cried out. His long slender finger soon enters you but with how wet you are, he’s able to add a second finger with no problem and curls them. the squelching sound made your face burn but the pleasure from feeling his fingers pumping and his thumb swirling your clit drowned out the embarrassment. he lifts your legs up which causes him to hit deeper and your moans became more high pitched as you got close. he chuckles at how cute you are. you felt him kiss your neck then nibble on your earlobe. his palm was getting soaked because of you.

“noah, please.” you begged him while holding onto his arm. 

“use your words or else i don’t know what you want.” he mocked, you felt like crying due to the pressure and need to cum. 

“can-can i please cum? please sir?” you opened your eyes to see him and he pecked your forehead.

“good girl. now cum for me.” you closed your eyes then felt your mind go blank as you came though it felt way different from any other orgasm he’s given you before. he stared at your cunt as you started squirting on his fingers and moaned at the sight. he couldn’t believe it honestly since it was the first time you’ve done that. 

“[y/n], are you still with me?” you heard noah ask and you whimpered as a response when he pulled his fingers out. 

“are you okay?” he started to worry thinking he pushed you past your limit. your eyes fluttered open and sat up, when you saw the blanket was wet you felt bad.

“oh no, i’m so sor-“ “love, it’s fine. it was pretty hot actually.” he told you and you covered your face in embarrassment. 

“no, don’t do that.” he then removed your hands and held them, you looked up at him and saw that he was serious.

“i, uh, i didn’t know that i could do that.” you sounded like a mouse speaking to him and he kissed your head.

“let’s stop here for toni-“ “stop saying that!” he was surprised by your words.

“i don’t wanna push your body anymore, love.” you know he was just looking out for you.

“but i want your cock inside of me.” you pouted and he froze at how bold you were. 

your back hit the mattress again, he lined himself up to your cunt then pushed into you. crying out, your nails dug into his back and he groaned. he was so big and no matter how wet you were, it still stung whenever he first entered you. even with closed eyes, you feel tears and noah wipes them away. 

“noah, you’re so big.” you whined to him and he scoffed.

“isn’t this what you wanted? you know you can take it you little slut.” you already felt close again due to those words. his pace quickens, you could feel him hitting your cervix and you scream at the feeling. he couldn’t help but love the sounds you were making and looked down to see himself poking out at the edge of your stomach. he grabbed one of your hands and you opened your eyes confused until he placed his hand on the bulge. so many new things tonight we’re happening and you couldn’t help but love it. 

“do you feel me? can you feel me that deep inside of you?” he whispered in your ear.

“yes sir!” you cried, “i love it! i really do! please, please let me cum again.” 

“you call that begging? try again slut.” you whined at him.

“Noah, noah,noah! please please please sir! i wanna cum and feel you cum inside me. make me yours please. please sir!” his dick twitched at your words while your back arched at the pleasure you were feeling. he pushed your legs up to your chest and thrusted harder. 

“sir please!” you cried again feeling your orgasm creeping over the edge.

“cum now, slut.” is all he said before you felt yourself creaming on his cock and you could feel his cum spill inside of you. you moan at the feeling and he kisses you hard. once he pulls out, you both watch as his cum rushes out of your cunt and moans. 

your body felt like it was on fire and noah could tell. he picked you up then carried you to the bathroom and started the shower. 

“i can stand you know.” you said hoarsely which shocked you.

“i’ll get you some medicine after we shower, love.” is all he said and he let you stand by yourself. after he washed you, he let you wash him but when you saw his back you gasped. 

“what’s wrong?” he asked worriedly.

“uhm, i guess i got a little too excited because there’s actually deep scratch marks on your back.” you told him and he laughed. after the shower, getting dressed, changing the sheets, eating, and him giving you medicine, you both finally laid back down.

“i’m sor-“ “don’t apologize for going rough. i really enjoyed it.” you told him before the tiredness hit you.

“i love you.” he says and you smile.

“i love you too, noah. more than you’ll ever know.” is the last thing you remember saying before falling asleep. 

Far From Being Kind

noah sebastian x reader 

content warnings: smut

MINORS DNI 18+

word count:730

“fuck!” 

“how does it feel, love?” noah whispers into your ear which causes you to shudder and melt into his touch more.

“it-it feels amazing.” you groan as he presses the hitachi wand a tiny bit harder against you.

your face feels hot as you catch your reflection in the mirror and your body tenses even more but noah just smiles at your reflection. trying to hide in the crook of his neck doesn’t work when the smell of his woody cologne takes over your senses, it was so strong that you couldn’t help but try to close your legs and he immediately pulls the wand away and smacks your thigh with his other large hand.

“do that again and I’ll stop. I’ll leave you to cum on your own.” he threatens with authority and your legs open again upon hearing him. he presses the wand against you harder and turns up the speed, body shuddering and letting out soft whimpers due to the pleasure.

“look at you. you’re soaking straight through your underwear, love.” you can’t help but look at yourself and he’s right. the center of your underwear is dark and it’s so slick that it’s leaking onto your thighs. 

“noah, i’m gonna cum.” tears pricking the corners as you whined to him and your nails dig into his arms as your hips stutter. 

“fuckin hell, even when you’re spread out like this and close to cumming, you’re still so fuckin cute.” noah says in a low voice, “don’t you agree?” 

no answer can escape as he turns up the speed again and you cry out. the feeling of sweet release being so close yet so far.

“noah, please. i’m so close. please let me cum.” croaking out to him. 

“hm, i don’t know.” his fake questioning makes you wanna smack him. 

“please! please! i really wanna cum!” begging him as tears begin to spill.

“no.” he says then removes the wand from your clit and turns it off and places it off to the side. you let out a loud whine and wipe away the tears. 

“baby, don’t cry.” he says as he turns your head to face him, “You look so pretty right now.”

his soft lips crash against yours in a harsh manner. you open your lips to let his tongue in and massage against your own. when he finally pulls away, a string of spit comes along and you whine at the sight. his tattooed hands then reach the band of your underwear and you lift yourself up so he can slide them off. his eyes immediately go back to the mirror, your cunt on full display for him and he spreads your folds apart for you to see how wet you are for him. 

“all for me, love?” noah asks and you immediately nod. “yes, it’s always for you.” 

“good girl.” is all he says before bringing the wand back to press against your clit and he turns it on to the highest setting.

“noah!” a scream is all you can let out as you throw your head back and feel your eyes roll to the back of your head. the pressure comes back too fast for your body to handle as you feel him press it harder. your thighs shake, heels dig into the carpet and toes curl to the point where it hurts. 

“cum, now.” is all it takes for him to say and you let go. you heard little drops hit the mirror and carpet but didn’t know what it was until you opened your eyes. 

as the cloudiness started to fizzle out, your body began shaking and he removed the wand. his other hand rubbing your thigh, trying to calm your body down and you take a deep breath.

“you did so good for me, love. i’m so proud of you.” he whispered into your ear and you shuddered again. 

“can- can you please fuck me now?” you quietly ask him while hiding your face from his. 

“are you sure?” he asks with worry since he saw how spent your body is and you face him with a rosy face.

“yes, please. i wanna cum again with your cock in me this time.” you beg him with a pout.

“get on the bed then, sweetheart.” 

author's note - i tried so hard to make this one good so please be kind ˗ˏˋ ♡ ˎˊ˗

title comes from playboy by exo

i mean camaraderie

noah sebastian x reader

content warning: smut, rough / harsh sex, belly bulge, size kink, fingering, noah is pretty much just a pleasure dom honestly

word count: 1.6k

MINORS DNI 18+

The loud sound of the front door being slammed let Noah know immediately you were in a bad mood. Must’ve been pretty bad he thought to himself and let out a sigh as he could hear you screaming into a pillow since the apartment walls were thin. 

He made his way to your bedroom door, knocking lightly and waited for an answer. The sound of your mumbling made him nervous but he just wanted to check on you and made sure you weren’t gonna destroy your vocal cords from screaming so much.

“WHAT?!” “Woah, what’s wrong?” He asks, raising his hands in defense and you immediately feel bad. “I’m sorry, the date was just-ugh.” you explained and he just chuckled.

“Was it really that bad?” You couldn’t help but start ranting about how the dude was a complete narcissist misogynistic asshole even though you tried so hard to deal with it to get a quick fuck. You didn’t even hesitate to complain about how badly you needed it because it was ovulation week and it was killing you.

“Are you serious?” he scoffed, “You went out with a complete stranger when i was here the whole time?”

He wasn’t wrong. Everyone could just smell the sexual tension between you two, even past boyfriends or girlfriends and hell, even flings could. It would be a lie if you denied ever thinking about him in that way but you always pushed those feelings aside so it would never be awkward. Fuck, why did he have to be so attractive? 

“You’re so fuckin lucky that i need dick so badly or else i’d turn you away.” You tell him as you grabbed him and pulled him into your room, slamming the door shut. Hopefully Jolly will come home late tonight. A rough kiss makes you moan softly, his large tattooed hand holds your face, and he tilts your head slightly trying to kiss you deeper as his tongue enters your mouth. Pushing him down on the bed, knees buckling as you sat on his lap and could feel him getting hard. 

“Damn,” he breaks away from the kiss, “You weren’t lying.” Whining at him as you kiss him again, Noah then gently tugs at your hair causing you to pull away and let out a sigh of pleasure. “So fuckin needy for my cock, aren’t you?” 

“Don’t start talking like that.” Breathlessly telling him, grinding on him to feel some type of friction. “Awww, why not?” his taunting didn’t help, tugging again while his other hand trailed under your dress. “ Because I’ll cum way sooner than I plan to.” You informed him and tugged at his hair causing him to hiss as his eyes closed from the pleasure. As much as he knew this probably didn’t mean much to you besides a quick fuck, he couldn’t help but think of it much deeper. Was it because he always felt something more for you or was it because of how fuckin cute you looked in that short red & black velvet dress?

Removing each of your hands from each other, you reached behind to unzip the dress and let it fall around your hips. Your mind is blank as he pushes you onto your bed, removing your clothes and pulls you into another kiss, softer but still passionate. Feeling his hands and fingers roam your body makes you shudder as he pulls away. Noah settled himself between your legs, running a finger along your slit and rubbing his thumb in circles on your clit. Hips and knees are buckling from just the tiniest bit of stimulation, both of you groaning at the sensation of his finger sinking into you and just taking in the feeling of his finger, thicker and longer than your own and reaching places you couldn’t. 

“Fucking hell, Noah.” your voice sounded like you were on the verge of crying. If you were already this fucked out from his finger how were you gonna be due to his dick? He rested his other hand on your right thigh and squeezed, trying to help you back down to earth but with him entering another finger didn’t help and it just caused you to go more light headed as he pumped them.

“Hey, don’t go dumb just yet.” Shivering as his hand touched your cheek, eyes fluttering open and kissing him. 

“Please just fuck me. I can’t stand this anymore.” Begging him as he pulled away and he lifted himself up to tug off his shirt. You couldn’t help yourself as you caressed his chest, lightly dragging a finger to trace some tattoos and the sight of his bulge making you whine.

As he removed his boxer, you weren’t expecting him to be so big. I mean you had thought it was but actually seeing it made you anxious. It was actually pretty and didn't look like a mushroom wearing a skin hat.

“You plan on using lube?” He laughed at your question. “I’m serious. You’re the biggest I’ll probably ever take or have.” 

“C’mon, I’ll fit.” You just scoffed. 

“Let’s test it real quick then. Get up here.” He shrugged then positioned himself between your legs and lined his size against your stomach. Right at your navel was his tip, precum dripping right in your belly button and it made you whimper again.

“Noah, I don’t know about this.” “How about this, just the tip and it’s up to you when you can take more?” It shouldn’t be surprising that he was being thoughtful but it made your heart swell with how understanding he was. “Deal.”

He gave you a quick peck before letting his spit fall directly on your hole, shivering at the feeling of the warmth and feeling his tip run through your folds, his tip slightly pushing into you and already feeling the pain. Digging your nails right into his forearm and you could feel yourself break his skin but you didn’t mean to, it’s not like you expected him to be this fuckin big. He just rested there while you did your best to relax and get used to the feeling.

“You know what?” You groaned out. 

“What?” He was worried you changed your mind about the whole thing.

“I’m probably gonna regret this but just go balls deep.” “Are you sure?” Absolutely not but it’s just better to get this pain over with.

“Yes please.” 

Just the feeling of him pushing himself just a little bit more in made you feel so like you were genuinely being split in half so when his pelvis met your own, your head fell back against the pillow and felt so full. 

“Are you still with me?” “Mhm, just please fuck me now.” The feeling of pleasure taking control over you again. 

“Whatever you want princess.” Not even looking at him, you could hear the smirk in his voice and you almost snapped back at him until he pushed your knees near your head and it caused you to literally scream. 

The way he angles his hips makes you feel the merciless rhythm,  deciding today was a good day to try and completely obliterate your cervix. You could feel the tears streaming down your cheeks, brain feeling so fuzzy and Noah clouded any thought you could form. He couldn’t help but feel proud of himself. The way you looked as you got fucked stupid made you look so beautiful. The way your hair was disheveled, face flushed, eyebrows furrowed with pleasure and the little whines of his name leaving your lips. His eyes trailed down your body, the little bump that would appear as he thrusted into you made him want to cum right then and there.

“Wanna feel something?” You nodded weakly. 

Feeling his hand guide yours to your belly and you could feel the bulge of his cock from inside of you.

“Noah.” is the only word you could whine and for some reason, that awoke something in him. He pulled out then flipped you over and slammed back into you, hips slamming into your ass at a bruising force and honestly thought you could feel him ever deeper than before. His moans sounded so guttural at first but as he got closer to finally cumming, he got so whiny and you couldn’t help but have a slight thought that he was so cute.

 “How can you still be so tight? Please tell me you’re close? I’m about to cum. Oh f-fuck,I’m gonna cum. Please cum first.” 

Hearing him whine made you clench around him tighter as you finally came, screaming and crying out his name.Noah then pulled out and flipped you onto your back again making you overstimulated as he leans down into the side of your neck,he slams into you one more time before his hips finally stutter and feel him paint your inside with his cum as he bites your neck harshly causing you to let out one final moan. 

Even with the cloudiness in your brain, you still felt Noah lift himself up, an audible pop could be heard as he slid his cock out of you and the stickiness of the mix of cum leaking out made you cringe just a bit.

“Don’t make that face.” His chest was heaving, “Honestly, it’s hot.”

You weakly chuckled at him,” You’re not wrong but i’m already sweaty as fuck so this just makes me feel gross. Also, you’re a fucking dumbass.”

“Hold up, I just gave you the best dick you could’ve ever imagined and you’re insulting me?”

“I am because I didn’t think you would actually cum in me. I told you during my ranting that I was ovulating!” You remind him as you lightly slapped him.

“You act like we can’t go get the morning after pill.” He tells you.

“I don’t think I can walk because of you. So get your ass moving.” Groaning as he stands up and pulls his boxers back on then gets dressed. “Fine but I expect some cuddles when I get back.” 

“Of course.” 

A/N - this took me over a day to finish because fuck walmart also if it's not clear, yeah jolly didn't come home.

by the way, i based the height of the reader on myself since i’m 4’10 but obviously this could go for any height since noah is 6’3