Bts Arranged Marriage Au - Tumblr Posts

Ok, this really really good. I read the first two parts and I can’t wait to read what is coming next.

The universe is well thought out, the dialogues are good, the characters… UGH I love how they are written.

Guys please read this you won’t regret it 😤

TEASER | Best Served Cold Part 3

THANK YOU @caelesjjk for the amazing banner!

pairing: Yoongi x afab!reader

au: mafia!au, arranged marriage!au.

Teaser for Part 3 - no warnings for the teaser.

A phone call takes Yoongi out of his reverie. Only a few people can contact him at this number. Whoever’s on the end of this call better hope it’s a misdial. 

“Who is this?”

“Min Yoongi. You’re a hard man to get ahold of.” 

He can’t quite place the voice. His grip on the steering wheel tightens. 

“Who the fuck is this?”

“I’m surprised you don’t recognize my voice, given that you can’t help but get involved in my business.”

Lee, he thinks. Why is the heir to the Lee family making a personal call? Without thinking, he cuts the next corner, speeding his way to the club. He needs to make sure everyone is safe.

“What do you want? We don’t have anything to say to each other.”

“Oh, we do now.”

Yoongi runs a red light, ignoring the screech of tires and horns left behind him. What the fuck is going on?

“Just remember, this is a courtesy call. One I didn’t have to make.”

“What do you want? I don’t like repeating myself.”

“I would like to make a deal. It’s time we put an end to this ridiculous war, and I know how to do it quickly.”

“Pay me what I’m owed, and it will be over.”

“Oh, I’ll pay you back.”

Yoongi speeds into the parking lot at the club.  He doesn’t bother with finding a spot, just parks in front of the door where Jimin and Taehyung are manning the velvet rope.  Phone in hand, he sprints past them, ignoring their questioning looks.  At least he knows the two of them are okay.  

“Don’t leave me in suspense,” Yoongi says. “I’m on pins and needles over here.”

He sees Jungkook behind the bar and Hoseok nursing a drink.  When he rushes in, both of them look up. Whatever is happening must show on his face. Jungkook drops the towel he’s holding, and Hoseok downs his drink before following Yoongi.  Everything will be fine, he thinks. Everyone is here, and you will be where you always are – sitting at his desk, where you belong, glasses perched on your nose, making sure that his whole operation doesn’t fall apart like a house of cards.  You have to be there. There's no other option. 

“I’ve got someone for you to talk to.”

Yoongi bursts the office door open.  Hoseok and Jungkook right behind him. The desk is empty. Instead of your comforting presence all he sees is the black hole of how he failed you.

“Yoongi,” you say, voice a whisper through the phone.

His heart stops beating, and the breath has been stolen from his lungs. He spins around, ignoring Hoseok and Jungkook’s questioning looks.  They know enough not to ask.

“Did they hurt you, baby?”

“I’m so sorry,” you say, haltingly. He hears the sob in your voice.

You shouldn’t be apologizing. He didn’t protect you, and he has seriously underestimated how angry he made Lee.  This is his fault.

This keeps getting interesting with every chapter. I love it so much

cry me a river | the reckless

— summary: in the face of danger, you run right into it

— pairing: bts x reader

— genre: angst, mafia!au

— word count: 4.7k

— warnings: slight violence

— PART 24 / previous post / masterpost

It’s about one in the morning when you sneak out of the room with gentle steps, making sure to not wake the one who sleeps on the armchair beside the bed, his soft little snores still heard until his presence disappears with the closed door.

The hallways are as silent as it was back in the room, the only thing heard is the sounds of your footsteps echoing through, and as you close your shawl closer to your body, you look around to make your way to the familiar steps that lead outside where the greenhouse stands.

The doors are left unlocked so you let yourself in and step through the glass doors, closing your eyes for a moment to breathe in the scent of the greens all around you.

It’s during lonely moments like this you feel your heart craving for some sort of familiarity. Not just the presence of your Reapers but for the presence of your manor itself.

For years you spent hating that place more than anything because that was where everything happened; where you were born, where you grew up, watching your mother hating you with every fiber left in her, chasing after your father’s attention, shedding tears on top of gentle shoulders, trapped behind the steel door of a white room, training, meeting good people, meeting bad people, everything.

Everything.

You can’t recall when the feeling of dread and disdain turned to eyes seeking for it, feet yearning to step back into it. Maybe it was the moment your father died, when the dynasty he worked so hard to build broke down into pieces like a house of cards, when you took over and made it into the home that it is now starting to feel like.

You returned to it after Leehyun, locking yourself in the comfort of your room, knowing that if you were to step outside, your Reapers would be right there with the smallest calling of their names. It served as your escape when it used to be the very reason you hated your existence.

The manor has become home and perhaps the only reason it’s able to be such a thing is because of what you’ve built it to be.

You want to escape, to return to it and simply hide in it and have no one bother you until you’re ready to step out yourself.

On the bench where Alexander sat this morning, you take your seat and close your eyes, trying to manipulate your mind into thinking you aren’t in Norway, that you’re back in Seoul, back at the manor, and not somewhere far, far away.

It’s exhausting doing this, your revenge plan. It’s exhausting having to put up a front, exhausting having to freeze up and recall unwanted memories that you wish could bury forever in the back of your mind.

But buried memories can’t always stay buried. They return, eventually, in time, whether you’re prepared or not.

You can’t tell how much time has passed but when you feel something against your feet accompanied by small little pants, you open your eyes to find the little puppy that accepted you from the moment he laid eyes on you.

You look down at him and he returns your gaze with a tilt in his head, tail wagging, and swirls about in a circle once before using his nose to poke at your leg again. He reminds you of the children at The Academy, how they’ve never been scared of you despite wanting to always push them away with your cold demeanor. It’s like Kiwi sees right through you, just like them, and in your silence, you pick up the small little thing to bring him onto your lap.

His tail wags a little more and when you run your hand through his fur, he gets a little more excited and affectionate.

Besides the children, there’s someone else you see in him.

“You remind me of someone,” you say as he nuzzles into the feeling of your palm. “Though unlike you, he wasn’t too fond of me in the beginning. It took some time for him to warm up but once he got to that point, he wouldn’t stop following me around.”

You fall silent again, thinking, remembering, reminiscing, and your fingers stop playing around with the little puppy on your lap.

The memories aren’t as hazy as they used to be, they’re a little clearer, a little closer to home. You can feel it in your heart when something feels like it’s just stabbed it, and in your stomach when you feel a little drop.

“I’m sorry for being selfish,” a voice whispers into your ear. “I’m sorry for only ever thinking about myself.”

But the thing about that is, you cannot be sorry for something that is within your nature, you cannot be sorry for wanting to put yourself first in a cruel, cruel world. When everything feels wrong, when the world feels like it’s always against you, when you do not know who to put your trust in.

If you were a little more mature and a little more brave, would you have been able to tell him the things you want to say now?

Things like; it wasn’t your fault. Things like; it’s alright, and you’re okay, and rest well.

Rest well, rest well, rest well.

You lean your head forward to the sky, gaze closed, as if hoping the things you spoke within your heart could be heard from him wherever he stays.

And as the silence continues, you feel your consciousness eventually slip away as your shoulders loosen their tensions with the feel of the little puppy resting well in your lap.

You didn’t realize it, that you had fallen asleep, but you know yourself waking when you feel a presence closing in and immediately opening your eyes to meet the old man who has a blanket hovered before you, his eyes falling a little surprised because he hadn’t expected you to wake up so easily.

“It’s good to put your guard down a little, you know,” Alexander says with a small chuckle as you accept the blanket to drape it behind you.

“I’ve learned my lesson with that,” you answer him and scoot over to the edge of the bench in order to make room for him.

He takes his seat beside you though leaves enough space in between and you’re thankful this man is observant. Kiwi’s awake but remains quiet and still, head resting against his paws with his tail swaying side to side.

“Do you have anyone you can trust in this world?” Alexander crosses a leg over the other and you look at your watch to see that it’s about four in the morning.

You managed to sleep in an unfamiliar place while knowing there weren’t any Reapers that could come to you at any second. How odd.

“There are always chances someone can stab you in the back.” Maybe the presence of Kiwi helped you. “It’s never a good idea to put your full trust in anyone.”

“You say that but one day you might come to know it feels rather nice putting unconditional faith in someone.”

You shake your head, brows furrowing. “Even if that someone has a good heart and good intentions, it doesn’t mean it hurts any less.”

There’s only been one person you know you can truly trust but he’s gone from this world, only ever being able to see him again when he wishes to visit you in your dreams. He’s the only person you’d ever allow to hurt you over and over again, even if it isn’t the real version of him.

Mister Butler can hate you and betray you but you’d let him do it again and again and maybe that’s because in your heart, you know those versions that the nightmares give you are simply from your own imagination and that he’d never truly come to hate you. He’s incapable of betraying your trust. Someone like him, who stayed by your side when he didn’t have to, isn’t a man who can have his heart easily swayed into hating you.

“Are you tired of betrayal?”

“I’m tired of everything,” you admit and he looks at you up and down, eyes narrowing slightly.

“And yet here you are, out in Norway.” Alexander knows a thing or two, he isn’t dumb, and you aren’t someone to think otherwise. He wouldn’t be in the position he is now if he was, and you don’t deny what he implies in his words. “You run straight into the very things that make you tired.”

“Because it is the only way I can feel alive.” You look on straight ahead before you, watching the pretty sky that pokes out from behind the plants of the greenhouse. “Otherwise I’d be in my room, rotting away. There is no purpose in running away, there is no purpose in leaving things be. My father did not leave this world for me to simply carry on as if he never existed.”

Some may take that as you carrying on your father’s legacy and whatever Alexander is thinking, you don’t care too much for it because all it matters is what you know. You didn’t kill your father just to stay silent for the rest of your life. His death was the beginning of everything.

Your turning point.

“And no one can stop a mind that’s already been made up.” Alexander nods, understanding, and doesn’t push for answers, but perhaps in the back of his mind, he’s a little curious about you and your goals and aspirations in this life. What drives you, what made you into the sort of person you are today, but Alexander is wise unlike many old men you’ve met throughout your life, so he doesn’t question things beyond your boundary.

And so he diverts the subject once again, turning it to the puppy in your lap.

“Perhaps you should adopt a pet of your own, to help you ease your mind a little,” he tells you with a fond gaze at Kiwi. “Humans can be quite disappointing, but a loyal pet will stay loyal for the rest of its life. Not to mention they’re the greatest comfort when someone needs it.”

Maybe that’s true. Maybe you should turn to a dog rather than humans in your time of need. Humans are disappointing creatures after all. But, “It’s too much of a hassle,” you say. “I can’t even take care of my own self properly, it’d be unwise of me to try and take care of another being.”

“...Is that so?”

It becomes a daily occurrence; the talks in the greenhouse, and soon you come to realize that Alexander isn’t one to let just anyone into his greenhouse. The doors that are usually locked during hours when one should be asleep are kept open, and perhaps that’s because he’s come to realize that you don’t sleep a lot, at least not in the house of a stranger, so he leaves them open for you to visit when you need your space.

And in the morning, around four or five AM when he awakens, he’ll come along and strike up a conversation and the two of you will speak about the things he brings up. Things like Seoul and of the Reaper gang, sometimes he’ll ask of Master Kitagawa, other times he’ll ask how far your skills go.

You speak to him in vague terms, careful not to tell him everything, but he comes to know that you were an only child, married once in an arranged marriage, but divorced. He doesn’t seem too surprised by that fact probably because everyone knows this happens all the time.

And in him knowing a little more about you, you come to know a little more about him as well.

Like when Kiwi came into his life and the fact that he’s had other pets throughout his lifetimes before but they’ve all died and left him.

You asked him why he continues adopting pets when he knows they don’t live as long as humans do, why he hurts himself over and over again, but he simply smiles and says that sometimes being able to love is better than being lonely. That it doesn’t matter how many times he has to watch them die and that he’d never regret loving them.

Alexander believes in reincarnation, that the souls of his first puppy dies and returns in the form of the other pets he’s had, so he’s never truly lonely, and something about that, believing in such a thing, though it sounds a bit absurd, is a little bit beautiful in its own way.

If you could believe Mister Butler died and returned through someone else, it’d be a nice delusion to live in, and despite the fact that there have been one or two guys that have reminded you of him, the truth is, no one can ever be Mister Butler.

Not Hoseok. Not Mingyu.

Because Mister Butler is like family. He was. 

Through your marriage with Namjoon, he was your older brother, but he always felt closer to a father figure to you, and perhaps that’s because your father was never there for you. Mingyu is closer to an older brother. A companion. A friend.

And Hoseok?

The one that got away.

The right person at the wrong time.

And because of that fact, you don’t allow yourself to be near him for too long, hence denying his companionship when Jungkook told you it’d probably be better if Hoseok were standing guard at your side rather than him.

It’s true, Hoseok would be better. You wouldn’t be as cautious towards him as you are of Jungkook, but it’s that exact reason that you cannot let him near.

You cannot let him shake your core, so you endure what you can and let Jungkook stay near you despite the constant reminder of what he did all those years ago.

It’s not entirely his fault but as you’ve said, it doesn’t hurt any less.

In your time getting closer to Alexander, he’s refused the appearance of Karl several times. Asher says if he has to, his grandfather will meet him elsewhere. Just not in the house. The guy has come to guess that you’re here because of Karl, and if he’s guessed it, maybe Alexander has too.

Though the old man never brings it up despite the plenty of chances during your greenhouse talks.

“Any progress?”

Dawn remains in the sky as ever and while Jungkook sleeps, you sit on the windowsill to take a call from the other side of the world. It’s a bit chilly to head out today so you stay indoors this time, making sure to keep your voice low.

“Plenty. It’s been quite peaceful these days, it feels a bit out of place.” Alexander’s kindness wasn’t something you expected the first day you walked into Norway. You expected things to be harder after meeting Asher but surprisingly, things are quite…easy, to say the least. “I have a feeling it won’t last too long.”

“No?” Namjoon sounds a little confused on his end. “Why do you say that? Should we come over earlier than planned?”

“No, don’t do that. Come as scheduled,” you say and look away from the window to the man who’s moved from sleeping on the armchair to the bed. It took some time to convince him initially but eventually Jungkook agreed to take the bed since you don’t really sleep anyway.

“You have something planned, don’t you?” There’s some suspicion in his voice and you want to laugh a little at how things are right now.

Who would have thought you’d be back on speaking terms with the man you thought you’d push away for good? But here he is, back and ready to give you his trust. You don’t know if he’s smart or stupid or both. Maybe there’s a bit of both, but it probably took some time for him to consider it, being as the whole thing was about his brother whom he loves very dearly.

Namjoon’s finally using his head.

Though you aren’t too sure if you like it so much.

“Maybe I do, maybe I don’t.”

“Y/N.”

“It’s nothing bad.”

“I don’t know if I can trust those words so easily. The last time you left the country, you disregarded your life just for that plan of yours.”

“Listen.” You roll your eyes. “I’ll be fine.”

There’s a pause on his end before he speaks again. “You didn’t assure me that you won’t do something reckless,” he notes and you internally click your tongue, “which means that feeling of the peace not lasting for long is you actively causing that to happen.” When you don’t respond, he goes on. “Will you stop being so secretive and let me know what you’re thinking? Maybe then you won’t be in the same position you were with Leehyun, and me and my boys and the Reapers will know how to help you.”

Well.

“You can’t keep hiding, Y/N. Stop being so reckless, you’re too reckless.”

“Watch me.”

He lets out a heavy sigh. “That wasn’t a challenge.”

“No?”

Another sigh and he knows he can’t win. “Just…if you decide it’s better for me to go over sooner rather than later, let me know. I’ll be waiting. Right here, just a phone call away.”

“...Sure.”

You don’t think too much about it. You don’t want to think too much about it. 

So when the cloud gives way to the sun and it shines higher in the sky, you finally take up Karl’s request to have tea and catch up, deciding you shouldn’t keep running away from what you’re trying to face.

You have Yeonjun stay by your side this time, rather than Jungkook, in case Karl says something out of line and Jungkook will hear more things than you want him to. You stay in the garden of Alexander’s mansion, keeping a little distance away from the building itself, and with the feel of eyes from a window behind you, the conversation begins.

“I remember him,” Karl points at your escort when he takes his first sip of the tea. “Jun? Joon?” Yeonjun doesn’t make an effort to fix him and simply remains quiet. “Right, never one to talk but always by your side.” His eyes settle back on you, a small glint of mirth in them. “You have quite the loyal companion.”

“Yes..I do.” You ignore his gaze to take a sip of your own tea, keeping your replies short.

“I’m still a bit hurt you didn’t reach out to me about your father’s death. We were good friends, you knew that.”

Of course you did. “I apologize, it slipped my mind.”

“Slipped your mind?” He raises a brow, unconvinced. “Hmm…and here I thought, I left a good impression in those four months I stayed in Seoul.”

You did. 

You did indeed leave an impression that will last a lifetime.

“Maybe I should have tried harder?”

That mirth in his eyes. Again.

You want to punch him.

“How did he die though? The man I knew isn’t someone who would have easily died and he would have updated me about his health had he fallen ill.”

“He was betrayed,” you say, not batting an eye, and Karl puts his cup down after hearing that.

His eyes are blown out. “Your father? Betrayed? And he didn’t see that coming?”

“They were smart.”

“Even still..” He can’t believe it, though you don’t blame him too much. The father you both know is not someone who’s easily trusting of others, therefore he’s always right there to pick out someone who will betray him before they can execute their plan. 

That’s why it took so long to manipulate him into believing you were a daughter full on worshiping his ground without an ounce of betrayal in your veins. That’s why your masterful plan took so long. You had to convince your father into believing he had won in manipulating you to his side when all along, you had been waiting to stab him in the back. Facing a man like him, smart, calculating, a manipulating gaslighter who thinks the world centers around him requires more than just simple brains and planning.

It took years to execute your plans and even then you feel like you could have done better with everything. For one, not letting anyone see what had happened, aka Bangtan. But what’s done is done. Dwelling on past mistakes is just stupid and a waste of time.

“And what about you?” When Karl points the finger at you, his gaze narrows, brows slightly furrowed. “You’re his daughter, his perfect little doll. You didn’t see that someone was plotting your father’s death? Is it not your job to protect him?”

“That’s right,” you give him nothing to fight against, just simply accepting the accusations placed upon you. “I failed in protecting him. I am an incompetent daughter who should have done better.”

Karl stands up, running a hand through his hair. “Your father did all that he could for you and still, you–” 

When he looks at you again and meets the gaze you send him, his word stops mid-sentence. Your stare isn’t threatening, it isn’t a glare, nor one that is meant to scare him off, yet something in them lies a hidden threat either way, were he to continue speaking. Karl, seeing that, lets out a chuckle and he closes in on you, patting you on the shoulder before simply leaving his hand there.

You look at it for a second before giving him the attention he wants as he leans in, nose inches away from you.

“Your father created you into the weapon that you are today, my dear little Y/N, and you’ve even been trained under Kitagawa, so why is it that you failed to protect him? Huh? Tell me.”

From the corner of your eye, Yeonjun moves slightly closer, though he keeps his distance and doesn’t dare to make a move unless you instruct him otherwise.

The breath against your face, the touch of skin burning through the thin cloth of your dress, the sides of your knees meeting one another, back straightening up, heels rising from the ground, fingers intertwined into each other, sitting on your lap.

You keep your eyes open, meeting his gaze, but internally you’re counting in your head and holding your breath, hearing the beat of your heart that might as well rip through your rib cages and past the barrier of your skin to physically beat widely before Karl himself.

Maybe he hears it, maybe he can feel it, but whether he does or not, he has no will to move away from you and you know Karl, he isn’t dumb. He knows exactly the effect he has on you right now. He saw it, knows just how you felt all those weeks ago when you were in the living room and he touched you.

He knows and doesn’t care one bit.

Just as he was all those years ago.

They never change.

“What is it that you want from me, Karl?” He doesn’t fix you into calling him uncle this time. “Do you want me to repent on my knees and beg for forgiveness? My father’s already six feet underground, it’s not as if he’ll hear me now, but as his close friend, if you wish for me to do just that, I will. Just for you.”

There’s malice in his eyes, a scoff that leaves him when he watches you, and finally, he moves back. Just a little. “You’ve gotten quite bold, haven’t you? Now that your father isn’t here to teach you a lesson.”

“And if I have? What will you do about it?” You push back, leaning forward, challenging him despite your body screaming at you to run away. “Go ahead and do whatever you’d like with me, there’s no one here right now that can stop you. I can tell Yeonjun to pluck his eyes out right now and he’ll do just that. He won’t say a word and he won’t move unless I tell him otherwise.”

At the mention of the boy, Karl looks over between you and him, and then something in him lights up slightly as if he’d just remembered something. As if he’d just realized something.

“That’s right...what loyal companions…” He steps back, releasing your shoulder, and tilts his head back as he laughs obnoxiously. “Is this all about that little boy I messed with? Him?” The laugh rings a little louder, a little more crazed. “You pretend you’re so cold and have no feelings and yet here you are, chasing after me all the way from Seoul, just for a boy, the second you got the chance. If your father were still here, he wouldn’t have let that happen, but now that he’s gone…-”

He pauses again, and after hurling over laughing, stands back up straight again as the laugh dies all too abruptly. So you stand up from your seat, the corner of your lip curling over as you notice just why he’s gone silent.

By now the tea is slowly getting cold but you don’t care much for it as you stand tall, hands held together before you in a formal manner.

“The person who betrayed him…” His eyes narrow. “Who was it?”

“Oh uncle,” you mock that title, mirth in your eyes, “I think you know exactly where that answer lies.”

Danger.

Something screams danger when his gaze darkens in realization.

And yet you seem to only be attracted to danger as it is the only thing you’ve ever gotten used to seeing every day. The danger of being born as a mafia heir, married to a mafia powerhouse, spiraled into a hellhole you cannot ever seem to escape so you run towards it.

Directly into the fire.

Into the danger.

Provoking your enemies, knowing exactly just what their reactions will be, because danger seems to be the one thing in your life that will never leave and abandon you out of nowhere. The only thing you can forever trust to catch you were you to fall blindly into it.

And blindly you fall, trusting it to come.

And comes it goes, directly your way.

Never disappointing.

Never disappointing.

Namjoon called you reckless and for the first time in forever, you might have to agree with him. Because being reckless means not caring for the consequences to come after committing a rash action. The reckless ones do not care what happens to them, they live off adrenaline, they run towards the fire when everyone else runs away.

Towards the danger despite knowing there will always be a chance they may not survive. Unheeding, stubborn, thoughtless, careless, negligent, imprudent. Unwise, unwary, incautious, hasty.

A fool.

A fool.

A fool.

But misguided and left on their own. Lonely, abandoned, hurt, isolated, rejected, forsaken. An outcast and unloved, a disappointment and broken.

Broken.

A broken little soul whose heart lies empty with a hole pierced through the middle.

You are reckless. You are broken.

And broken things do not know how to save themselves, they only know the warmth of the fire. That is the only thing they can rely on.

So you stay within his vicinity, within Karl’s reach, watching, simply standing there, keeping still, as if keeping vigil. Like you’re just waiting, just expecting for something, anything, the inevitable, to happen. And when it comes in the form of a harsh, harsh slap across the face that has your body turning over to the side and having to hold onto the table to keep your balance, you can’t even say that you are surprised.

It feels like being in the presence of your father all over again, in the face of danger, of a manipulator, of a gaslighter, of an abuser.

He returns hard and so vividly in the form of anger, in the form of a ghost, a spirit whom you see standing right behind Karl. He stands as still as ever, hands held behind his back, simply watching.

Watching.

While you stand before him in front of a man he’s using to command orders over him. Using violence through others because father never raises his hands, father never puts in the effort or strength or power into physical forms. He does it through others, he commands through others, he hurts through others.

Watching until he’s satisfied.

But he’s never satisfied. He’s never satisfied.

And on your end, you can do nothing but accept it all willingly.

There is nothing else you can do, there is nothing else that can be done. It is like being in his presence all over again. Yeonjun, the Reapers behind you, standing still, told to not do a thing, to not move an inch, and your father behind the violence, keeping silent with a deadly gaze.

You return to the past.

You see him.

He’s right there.

And Karl raises his hand again.

Cry Me A River | Masterpost

— summary: forever is just an illusion, nothing lasts forever. don’t make me a promise that you cannot keep. please...it’ll break my heart

— pairing: bts x reader

— genre: angst, slight fluff, poly!au, mafia!au, arranged marriage!au

— status: ongoing

— word count: 150k+

— warnings: (triggering topics! please read at your own discretion) childhood trauma, mental abuse, physical abuse, child neglect, manipulation, gaslighting, violence, mentions of assault, implied sexual assault, hurt and comfort, divorce, emotional neglect, minor character deaths, kidnapping, some emotionally unstable scenes

↳ there will likely be more specifics in certain chapters. just know that this series highlight some things that can be triggering to some

— please don't go into this thinking it'll be a light read. don't estimate the warnings

— if you happen to read this series despite the warnings and if there are certain chapters you wish to skip rather than reading because of the warnings, feel free to send me an ask if you ever wish to know the gist of certain chapters and i will gladly catch you up so you don't get confused on anything

one. the breaking | you tried so hard to be enough

two. the lie | a house made of cards, they lived in your beautiful fairytale

three. the promise | if you told them about the darkness inside of you, would they still look at you like you're the sun?

four. the gentle heart | keep your heart warm, no matter how cold they have been to you

five. the void | no matter how many times you read a story over and over again, it always ends the same

six. the puppeteer | father wanted perfection, you fell in love with disorder

seven. the trial master | the only way to get rid of a buried memory is to face your past

eight. the scarlet drop | you can wipe someone's tears but not their memories

nine. the game of chess | everything's burned down into flames and all that's left is you right in the center, unable to escape

ten. the abuser and the bystander | it hurts just as much knowing someone could have stopped it all but chose to stand by and watch instead

eleven. the thorns of a rose | loyalty means to have full allegiance and faithfulness owned by a duty, a pledge, or a promise. and the reapers' loyalty lies much deeper than that

twelve. the black rose | he loved you once, so hard, but taehyung has no right to begin caring for you now

thirteen. the broken | once someone's been taught to stay quiet their whole life, how do they learn to scream and shout for help?

fourteen. the hurting | you can break something in two seconds but it will take forever to heal

fifteen. the cruel and the fool | nothing hurts more than trying your absolute best and still not being good enough

sixteen. the second choice | an illusion of free choice, it will always be namjoon in the end

seventeen. the liar | hoseok lied about choosing you, namjoon lied about leaving you, but the biggest liar of them all is you

eighteen. the frightened ones | drowning in the middle of the sea means being blind and not knowing who is on your side and who wishes to pull you in deeper

nineteen. the snakes | you're left on your own to save your own self

twenty. the watchers | sometimes to not protect is the best form of protection

twenty-one. the apologies | how many apologies have you heard in your lifetime? too many to count

twenty-two. the pawns | when pawns are used well, they are the soul of the chess. you might as well take advantage of what you’re given

twenty-three. the unprepared | no one is ever prepared to be broken, even if they think they are, and breaking again and again does not make you numb to the pain

twenty-four. the reckless | in the face of danger, you run right into it

twenty-five. the habits | you are a weapon and weapons do not weep

twenty-six. coming soon...

Touch In The Dark — MYG

For the @btswriterscorner​ - Amor Fabula Launch Project in celebration of the month of Valentine’s Day!

Plot: Min Yoongi comes from the prestigious family of Blue Blood lineage. However, to appear philanthropic in the eyes of the public, they volunteered their son to marry someone from “humble” origins. Two years have passed since he’s been married to his poor, orphan wife. But for the first time in two years, he’s starting to take note of things about her that are causing shifts in his views of her, shaking his heart.

Rating: PG-13 // SFW

Genre: dystopian!au/dystopian themes | angst | romance/fluff

Pairing: Min Yoongi x Female OC (Kiara Townsend)

Warnings: Strong language, mentions of suicide, extreme angst, interracial/intercultural relationship, arranged marriage

Links: FAQ || BTS Masterlist || Admin E’s AO3 || [ REQUESTS ARE OPEN ]

Word Count: 7,936

AN: I never thought I would write a story like this. I think this is the softest I’ve ever written for the boys. I know I only have one piece of lit for the fandom, but I have to say that this project caught me a little off guard. I never thought I would write Yoongi this soft, but it’s a very non-conventional soft. So I hope you all enjoy the world I was able to build from this, hug your loved ones a little close, and know that you are always loved. All reblogs, critiques/reviews, comments and affection are accepted! Happy reading!

© thebiasrekkers (Admin E). All rights reserved. Reposting/modifying our work is prohibited. Translations are not allowed. Plagiarism/stealing is not tolerated by any means. Legal action will be taken in instances of theft.

Keep reading

m.list | dreaded neighbors — pjm;

pairings: park jimin x female reader, kim namjoon x huna (oc), min yoongi x jeon jeongguk (yoonkook)

extra characters: kim taehyung, byun baekhyun, lee minhyung (mark), wong xuxi (lucas), hang sanghyuk (hyuk), yook sungjae, park sooyoung (joy).

words: 37.930

au: arranged marriage!au, domestic!au, age-gap!au (7 years).

genre: fluff, angst, smut.

status: completed.

synopsis: newly married jimin and y/n are embarked on their path to give rise to a beautiful relationship which is still taking it’s place in their lives. they move into their new apartment, but apart from the awkwardness which prevails between them, the cloddishness with their newly acquainted neighbors wasn’t going away too, anytime soon.

in simpler words, a shy human resources manager gets arranged married (courtesy of parents) to an equally shy to-be astrophysicist and they both enter into the realm of married life. living with each other didn’t actually seem to be the problem, instead it was adjusting to the new environment, the new people around without their friends that made it awkward and slowed the process down.

links :

profiles [dated: 2020-04-25]

chapter one [dated: 2018-07-27]

chapter two [dated: 2020-04-04]

chapter three [dated: 2020-04-05]

chapter four [dated: 2020-04-22]

chapter five (smut) [dated: 2020-04-24]

chapter six (smut) [dated: 2020-04-26]

chapter seven [dated: 2020-04-28]

chapter eight (smut) [dated: 2020-05-01]

chapter nine [dated: 2020-05-05]

chapter ten (smut) [dated: 2020-05-10]

crossposted on: wattpad | AO3 |

tag-list :

| @missdecemberrr | @queen-cataline1 | @shinyplaidbagellamp | @thwiso | @legendvmin | @ggukjitaejin | @vitaj0y | @scalbra | @heyjiminnie​ | @stillcopingxx​ | @kuroshirogure​ |

︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶︶༉‧₊˚.

feedback is deeply appreciated.✨

masterlist | bts masterlist | rules | ask box

- jaimie

© 𝟫𝟫𝓁𝒾𝓃𝑒𝓇𝓈, 𝟐𝟎𝟤𝟢. 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐒 𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐕𝐄𝐃.

Fic Recs?

Looking for YoongiXReader, TaehyungXReader, or JungkookXReader fics

Soulmate, arranged marriage, or mafia fics

💜💜💜

maybe i do | kth. masterlist

➵ summary :  maybe you love each other, maybe you don’t. when a deal between your fathers leaves you forcefully wedding kim taehyung, arguably seoul’s most powerful CEO, you’re prepared for a loveless marriage of eternal regret and unhappiness. but maybe, it doesn’t turn out that way after all.

↳  part of the high-class series!

➵ pairing : taehyung x reader

➵ genre :  arranged marriage!au, ceo!tae, s2l!au, eventual smut, fluff, angst

➵ rating : 18+

➵ warnings : swearing, mentions of alcohol consumption, mentions of anxiety, mentions of confrontative violence (with other characters, not each other), lots of feels concerning forced marriage, a bad ex (reader’s), mentions of bad sexual experiences with ex (consensual, just bad sex), explicit sexual content, oral (m. and f. receiving), unprotected sex, penetrative sex (chapters have their own warnings!)

➵ a/n : thank you so much for all the support on this series! i couldn’t be more grateful ♡

➵ playlist : sweet night by v! the lyrics fit this series perfectly 🥺

➵ status: (complete) ✓

↠  chapter one : “my forever’s falling down” (11k)

↠  chapter two : “on my pillow, can’t get me tired”  (10k)

↠  chapter three : “the window opened one time with you and me”  (17k)

↠  chapter four : “feels like a river’s rushing through my mind”  (16k)

↠  chapter five : “would it be alright, if i pulled you closer?”  (17k)

↠  chapter six : “my heart is pounding tonight”  (25k)

↠  chapter seven : “i’m wondering if you’d want me now”  (22k)

↠  chapter eight : “i still hope the door is open”  (38k)

↠  chapter nine : “i wanna ask you, if this is all just in my head?”  (32k)

↠ [bonus!] chapter nine. five : “you are too good to be true” (6k)

↠ chapter ten : “how could i know, one day i’d wake up feeling more?” (36k)

 ↠ chapter eleven : “i’m wondering, are you my bestfriend?”  (34k)

↠  chapter twelve : “sharing my fragile truth” (50k)

↠  chapter thirteen : “i had already reached the shore” (37k)

↠  final : “we were ships in the night” (55k)

↠  epilogue : “a sweet night”  (3k)

drabbles :

↳ “the very first christmas” 

↳ “comfort”

↳ “one year anniversary” coming soon!

↳ “one week without sex” coming soon!

↳ “remote control” coming soon!

faq : when do you update?

randomly! i used to produce a chapter every week or so, though with school and work things got busy :(  i do work on my updates everyday though ! i also get very active on my blog and inform everyone before a release, so you don’t have to worry 🥺

what does mid!tae look like? 

what’s the timeline of the mid!couple’s relationship?

what’s domestic/at home mid!tae like? 

what happened to the camera?

how are real-life taehyung and mid!taehyung alike?

what do mrs. choi and seo’s schedule look like?

what did mrs. choi and seo do during the events of chapter 8?

what was taehyung’s mindset during the events of chapter 7?

what was taehyung’s pov when they first started getting intimate? 

what was taehyung’s past with women?

a deeper look into the reader’s character 

extras : 

➵ tracking tag 

➵ announcement!

➵ the vote! how should chapter 10 be released?

Whispers of the Heart

Pairing : Yoongi x reader, Hoseok x friend!reader, Hoseok x friend!Yoongi

Genre: arranged marriage, enemies to lovers (in a way), angst:((

Word count: ~2,3K

A/n: Can be read as genderless reader if you ignore the ‘she’ in Hoseok’s dialogue! I’m literally so excited to be writing again!!!

<

The grand ballroom shimmered under the soft glow of chandeliers, casting a magical ambiance over the gala. It was an evening of elegance and sophistication, where the high society mingled and revelled in their opulence. Yoongi, a man of few words, stood at the entrance in his impeccably tailored suit, his gaze scanning the room with detached interest.

Beside him, you fidgeted with the folds of your gown, feeling out of place in the lavish setting. You and Yoongi were bound together in an arranged marriage, a union dictated by both of your families' status and wealth. Despite sharing the same roof for several months, your interactions had been minimal, restricted to formalities and superficial exchanges.

Tonight, however, you harbored a flicker of hope that perhaps this gala would serve as an opportunity for you two to connect on a deeper level. You had spent hours getting ready, meticulously selecting a dress that accentuated your features and enhanced your confidence as well as was in style and colour that Yoongi favoured.

As the night unfolded, you found yourself standing alone amidst the sea of conversation and laughter. Yoongi, seemingly indifferent, floated through the crowd, his attention fixated elsewhere. You watched him from afar, your heart sinking with each passing moment.

Determined to break the stifling silence, you caught sight of your and firstly Yoongi‘s friend Hoseok across the room. You approached him, a smile gracing your lips, and engaged in lively conversation. Hoseok's presence brought you comfort, and for a brief moment, you allowed yourself to forget the responsibilities and expectations that came with your role as Yoongi's wife.

The evening wore on, and the strains of music filled the air, tempting couples to sway in synchronized harmony on the dance floor. You felt a spark of sadness ignite within you. Glancing towards Yoongi, who remained detached and engrossed in his own thoughts, you wished he’d make a decision to ask you for a dance. But you yourself knew that such thing could only be in your imagination.

“Care to join me for a dance?” Hoseok stood before you know with his hand extended, waiting for your answer.

“I would love to,” Few stray tears mingled in your eyes as you lifted them to Hoseok’s and Hoseok knew that even if Yoongi has been his friend since diapers, he is behaving in an exceedingly unjust manner towards you that Hoseok will never approve of. At this point Hoseok told himself that he’d rather have Yoongi hate him with a passion than have you sitting alone at a gala silently crying to yourself.

With Hoseok as your dance partner, you joined the rhythmic movements of the crowd, gracefully twirling and laughing, enjoying a stolen moment of freedom. You revelled in the attention you received, your laughter along with Hoseok’s ringing through the room like delicate chimes.

As the night drew to a close, Yoongi's expression turned sour. The irritation etched on his face sent a wave of unease through you. Ignoring your existence, he remained distant during the drive home, the silence between you two suffocating in the small vehicle.

Finally reaching your shared home, Yoongi unleashed his pent-up frustration, his voice laced with resentment.

"You could have at least pretended to be a married woman," he snapped, his eyes filled with accusation. "Instead, you acted like a single one."

Your defences rose, voice tinged with anger.

"Well, it wouldn't kill you either, to at least look in the direction of your wife," you barked back, emotions raw and unfiltered. The tears threatened to spill from your eyes, but you refused to let them fall.

"I would if you acted like a wife," Yoongi bit back, his tone sharp and biting. The words hung heavily in the air, causing your heart to shatter into a million fragments. The pain you had suppressed for so long surged forward, overwhelming you.

Without uttering another word, you retreated to your room, seeking solace in the confines of solitude. The weight of your broken connection consumed you, tears streaming down your cheeks as you wrestled with the ache in your heart.

…..

A week had passed since the gala, but the tension between Yoongi and you still lingered in the air.

Invitations to a business party arrived, presenting you two with another opportunity to bridge the widening gap between each other. As you two entered the venue, adorned in the finest attire, the atmosphere crackled with anticipation.

But this time, your intentions were clear. Instantly, you left Yoongi's side, eager to escape the suffocating silence that had become the norm between the two of you.

As you sat at a bar your eyes locked onto the charismatic Jeon Jungkook, a young bachelor who exuded confidence and charm. He approached you with a magnetic smile, sweeping you away with his enthusiasm and attentiveness.

Jungkook treated you like a queen the whole night, showering you with compliments, buying you drinks, and inviting you to dance. Your connection was instant, his eyes never leaving yours as he twirled you around the dance floor. You found yourself enthralled by his company, a newfound confidence blooming within you.

But no matter how delightful it was to be someone's center of attention, deep down, you couldn't help but long for Yoongi's presence in Jungkook's place.

Jungkook was undoubtedly a wonderful man, but he couldn't compare to the unique man that was your Yoongi. Despite the allure and charm Jungkook possessed, you remained steadfast in your commitment as a wife, regardless of whether Yoongi appreciated it or not.

Your loyalty and devotion to your husband were unwavering and you would never as much as entertain the thought of straying, no matter the allure of what another man might offer.

Meanwhile, Hoseok, ever observant, approached Yoongi early in the night. He pointed discreetly at Jungkook, who had captured your attention, his eyes full of admiration and desire attached to your every move. Hoseok's words pierced through the fog of Yoongi's apathy, awakening him to the reality that he might lose you if he continued down this path of ignorance.

"You stay here right now," Hoseok spoke through his teeth, his voice laced with urgency "and if she's smart, she'll leave you before the clock strikes midnight."

Yoongi's eyes followed Hoseok's gaze, watching as Jungkook and you moved in perfect harmony on the dance floor. A surge of jealousy gripped him, igniting a newfound determination within his heart. He couldn't bear the thought of losing you, especially when all he truly desired was to shower you with love and devotion.

In that moment, something shifted within Yoongi. His icy exterior cracked, revealing a flicker of vulnerability. He strode purposefully toward you, his presence commanding attention. As he reached your side, he interjected, his voice firm and possessive.

"Excuse me, but my wife and I have some unfinished business," Yoongi declared, his words laced with a mixture of possessiveness and determination. He locked eyes with you, a silent plea hidden within his gaze.

Jungkook, sensing the shift in dynamics, reluctantly released you from his embrace. Yoongi wasted no time, enveloping you in his arms, showcasing to everyone in the room that you belonged to him. As you two danced, the air crackled with unspoken emotions, an invisible bridge being rebuilt between you.

“How has your night been?” He spoke to you directly and all you heard was music in your ears, you had been deprived of his melodic voice for too long and now soaked it all in.

“It just got much better” you replied with calmness lacing your tone. Yoongi felt himself melt at the soft tone of your voice. He had been deprieved of it too long and now made himself a mental note to never go too long without hearing your voice.

Your heart skipped a beat as you met Yoongi's gaze, seeing a vulnerability you had never witnessed before. In that moment, the walls you had erected began to crumble, replaced by a glimmer of hope and possibility. Maybe, just maybe, the two of you could find your way back to each other.

As the night progressed, Yoongi's hold on you only grew tighter, his touch becoming more tender, his words laced with longing. When he was ushered by an investor to negotiate a deal he slipped his hand away from your waist and interlocked his fingers with your own giving your palm a little squeeze.

“Would you like to join us?” he asked his eyes boring into you. It felt as though he was truly seeing you for the first time, his eyes conveying a profound sense of significance. You only smiled at him and shook your head slightly

“No, thank you, I could use a refreshment” you answered him, patting his arm and releasing your hand from his before walking in the direction of the bar.

The corners of Yoongi's mouth curled into a small, genuine smile at your almost imperceptible gesture. It was a simple touch of your hand, but it held a profound impact on him, sending a shiver down his spine. In that moment, he felt a surge of warmth and gratitude, realizing just how fortunate he was to have you as his wife.

As Yoongi turned to walk away with the man, his eyes met Hoseok's across the room. Hoseok, ever so perceptive and supportive, lifted his flute of champagne in a silent toast and playfully winked at Yoongi. The unspoken message was clear: You have something special, don't let it slip away.

Yoongi's heart swelled with appreciation for his dear friend, recognizing the invaluable role Hoseok played in his life. In that instance, he silently offered a heartfelt thanks to the benevolent forces that had blessed him with such an incredible friend, one who was there to uplift and guide him through the trials and triumphs of life.

……..

Months have passed since that pivotal night at the business party, and Yoongi and you have grown closer with each passing day.

Your once distant relationship had transformed into a blossoming connection, nurtured by shared meals, heartfelt conversations, and a renewed effort to bridge the gaps between each other. The walls you two had set up were gradually crumbling, replaced by a genuine desire to understand and cherish one another.

One particular day, as the sun began its descent towards the horizon, Yoongi picked you up from work. A sense of anticipation filled the air as he drove you to a wonderful restaurant with a breath-taking view of the sea. The atmosphere was filled with romance, the soft whispers of the waves harmonizing with your conversations.

After a delightful dinner filled with laughter and stolen glances, Yoongi took your hand, leading you towards the beach. The sand squished beneath your feet as you strolled along the shore, the vibrant colors of the setting sun casting a warm glow upon both of your faces.

Finding a secluded spot, Yoongi carefully laid his jacket down, creating a makeshift cushion for you two to sit upon. You settled close to each other, eyes fixed on the mesmerizing dance of the ocean waves.

A moment of stillness enveloped the two of you, the beauty of the scene mirroring the peace you two had found in each other's presence. Yoongi took a deep breath, his heart pounding with a mixture of nerves and overwhelming love. With trembling hands, he shuffled away from you, a perplexed expression crossing your face.

Kneeling before you, Yoongi's gaze locked with yours, his eyes shining with a tender vulnerability. In his hand, he held a small velvet box, a symbol of his intentions. A hushed silence fell over you as he began to speak, his words flowing with sincerity and adoration.

"Y/N, you have given me more than I could ever ask for," Yoongi started, his voice filled with genuine emotion. "Through your presence, your patience, and your unwavering belief in us, you have shown me the true meaning of love, commitment and marriage."

Your eyes widened, heart quickening as you realized the significance of the moment unfolding before you.

"I can't imagine my life without you," Yoongi continued, his voice trembling with raw vulnerability. "You've brought light into my darkest moments, and I want to spend the rest of my life cherishing and loving you. Y/N, will you marry me?"

"Silly, we're already married if you have forgotten," you giggled, a twinkle in your eyes as you playfully teased Yoongi. "We've been married for almost half a year now."

A smile tugged at the corners of Yoongi's lips, a mix of embarrassment and adoration coloring his expression. He realized his slip-up but couldn't help but feel a surge of affection for your light-hearted response.

"I know, I know," Yoongi chuckled, his voice filled with warmth. "But I didn't get to propose the last time... I also messed up a lot in the past, so from this moment on, I'm determined to turn those wrongs into rights, and proposing to you is the first step."

Before he could delve deeper into his words, you could see a tinge of embarrassment and acted swiftly. With a gentle touch, you hooked your finger under his chin, lifting his head back up to meet your gaze.

The tenderness in your eyes and the unwavering support you conveyed through that simple gesture melted away any lingering embarrassment Yoongi may have felt.

Your heart, brimming with love and joy, overflowed as you whispered a soft "Yes" that resonated like the sweetest melody in Yoongi's ears. Tears of happiness welled up in your eyes, a testament to the depth of your emotions.

With the weight of Yoongi's past mistakes lifted, and the promise of a future built on understanding, respect, and unwavering love, you embraced each other, locking your lips as if for the first time with the sunset casting a warm, golden glow upon your union.

>

Shadows of doubt pt. 1

Pairing: Seokjin x f!reader

Genre: arranged marriage, angst, fluff, hurt to comfort.

Word count: 3.5K

A/n: I’m totally obsessed with arranged marriage trope rn 🫣🫣🫣 Comment if you want a part two!<3

Part two!

<

The day had started like any other, with you and Seokjin living separate lives under the same roof. It had been months since your arranged marriage, and while you both were busy with your respective companies, you had somehow managed to maintain a level of indifference towards each other. It didn't bother you much, as you had grown accustomed to the routine and had your own priorities to attend to.

But today was different. 

Today, you were invited to a family lunch at one of the many upscale clubs, a customary gathering that required you and Seokjin to arrive together. However, as the appointed time neared, Seokjin was nowhere to be seen. Your messages and calls went unanswered, leaving you increasingly frustrated and worried. The anticipation and anxiety grew as you tried to reach out to him, but to no avail.

The atmosphere at the family lunch was far from comforting. Seokjin's brother's wife, always one for gossip, took the opportunity to talk you down. She whispered rumors in your ear, insinuating that Seokjin was sleeping around and didn't care for you. As much as you tried to brush off the malicious words, the absence of Seokjin and the unanswered calls only intensified your insecurity.

The lunch dragged on, with aunties constantly reminding you of your apparent inability to keep a man happy. Their comments stung, but you put on a brave face, determined not to let them see your vulnerability. Hours later, Seokjin finally arrived, his charming smile captivating everyone around him. Everyone. Except you.

Although having him near brought you comfort, as the presence of Seokjin acted as a shield against the blood-boiling gossip coming from the women around you. Their judgmental whispers and critical stares had been suffocating you for hours. But with Seokjin by your side, you felt a sense of reassurance and protection.

When it was time to bid farewell to the family, you and Seokjin walked out of the club together. As you made your way to the car, he finally spoke to you, breaking the silence that had persisted between you for months.

"I have to pick up my computer from the office, but I can call my driver for you if you wish to get home sooner," he offered, his eyes briefly locking with yours.

You took a moment to gather your thoughts before speaking.

"I'll just ride with you if that's alright," you said, your voice timid, but determined. 

Seokjin lifted his head from his phone, his gaze meeting yours once more, and he gave you a dazzling smile. Opening the passenger's side door, he extended his hand, inviting you to join him.

You sat in the car, completely still, as Seokjin walked around to the driver's side. It was the first time you exchanged more than a simple greeting, and the tension in the air was palpable. As he pulled out onto the road, the weight on your shoulders became too much to bear. You couldn't keep it to yourself any longer.

"Never do this again," you spoke, the words escaping your lips with a mix of frustration and concern. 

Seokjin sharply turned to you, a whirlwind of emotions in his eyes, but quickly refocused his attention on the road, remembering his duty as the driver. His eyes kept darting between the road and your still profile.

"What are you talking about? Did I do something wrong?" his voice trembled with uncertainty. 

You hated that this was the first substantial conversation you were having with your husband, but you couldn't hold back any longer. It wasn't just about your feelings, it was about maintaining the appearance of a harmonious married couple, especially in high society.

"Never leave me like this, not knowing what's happening or where you are. I am your wife, and while I understand this is a marriage of convenience, we have an image to uphold for our families and society," you explained, your tone firm but not accusatory.

Seokjin's face turned a deep shade of red, embarrassment washing over him without fully understanding why.

"I'm so sorry, Y/n. I was caught up with a client at the office, and I couldn't leave earlier..." he trailed off, his voice filled with remorse.

Finally, you turned to face him, breaking your statue-like position.

"I understand that you're busy, but finding the time to return even one of my texts or calls to let me know you're occupied with a client would help me immensely. It's not just about me, it's about us," you said, your voice filled with a mix of frustration and longing for a connection.

Seokjin nodded earnestly, his eyes fixed on you as much as they could be while he drove.

"I'll never do that again, Y/n. You have my word," he assured you, his words carrying a hint of vulnerability. You returned your gaze to the window, feeling a mixture of relief and exhaustion from the emotional rollercoaster of the day.

As the car pulled into the driveway, you quickly exited and made your way back to your rooms. The moment your bed came into view, you face-planted onto it, releasing all the frustrations you had held in during the car ride.

"Gosh, he must think I'm an idiot," you mumbled into your pillow before sleep enveloped your exhausted mind.

...

The hours leading up to the ball felt like an eternity, with your eyes constantly shifting between the clock on the wall and the horrendous look book of designs presented to you by a potential client.

The meeting didn't go as planned, and the disappointment weighed heavily on your shoulders. Namjoon, ever the supportive colleague, escorted the client out, leaving you alone in the room.

"Is everything okay, boss?" Namjoon's deep voice broke the silence, bringing you back to reality. You sighed heavily, closing your eyes briefly to moisten them.

"Not really, Joon. I have a ball to attend this evening," you grumbled, the prospect of the social event dampening your spirits even further. Namjoon chuckled softly, a gesture that earned him a glare from you.

"I can come with you if you need a plus one," he suggested, a hint of care in his eyes. "Wouldn't be the first time for me."

You raised an eyebrow, a small smile tugging at the corner of your lips.

"I have a plus one. I'm married to one, in case you forgot," you said, raising your hand to show him the emerald and gold band adorning your finger. 

"It's just... I don't know how to act around him. We live together and are married, but we hardly speak to each other," you admitted, your cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

Namjoon stopped typing, fully turning his attention towards you.

"That doesn't sound like a happy marriage," he observed, concern etched on his face.

You sighed, your palms finding solace in tangling through your hair.

"I try, Namjoon. I really do. I'm always texting him about family gatherings and conventions we have to attend. But he rarely responds... Am I foolish for putting in the effort? I'm just trying to make this marriage work, but I often feel so alone in it," you confessed, the weight of your emotions bearing down on you.

"Well, then maybe it's time to stop caring if he doesn't," Namjoon suggested, his voice gentle but firm.

You looked at him, contemplating his words.

"I wish I could, but my mother would bite my head off if I dared to walk into the ball without him by my side," you said with a sigh.

"Maybe, for once, you should do as you wish and not just what your mother expects."

...

The evening arrived, and you attended the ball with Namjoon as your companion. Seokjin was already there, and his eyes caught sight of you and Namjoon walking in together. Your pale pink floor-length gown accentuated your beauty, but the sight of another man beside you twisted something inside Seokjin's stomach.

Seokjin's father also noticed your entrance and couldn't help but ask.

"Who is that man next to Y/n? Why isn't she arriving with you? Is something the matter between you two?"

"Everything is alright, Father. That's only her assistant," Seokjin replied, trying to mask the turmoil in his gaze.

His father scoffed, unimpressed by the explanation.

"One hell of an assistant, holding her like that," he muttered, his suspicion piqued. Seokjin's attention remained fixed on you and Namjoon, the rage building inside him.

Unable to contain his emotions any longer, Seokjin strode towards the two of you.

"Y/n, can I talk to you for a moment? Alone," he said, his gaze never leaving Namjoon.

"Please don't make a scene, Seokjin," you pleaded, hoping to avoid any unnecessary drama.

His anger and jealousy shifted momentarily to hurt as he turned to face you.

"Namjoon and I are here on behalf of our company. We have people to talk to," you said, your voice firm as you tugged Namjoon away with you.

Seokjin drowned his frustrations with a few shots of whiskey, but the word "our" suffocated him. You had never referred to anything belonging to both of you as "ours," yet you said it so effortlessly with Namjoon.

...

The night was a flurry of activity as you and Namjoon engaged in conversations with various interested individuals in the business world. As influential figures and potential partners approached, you showcased your expertise and passion, discussing potential collaborations and exchanging ideas. Namjoon, being your trusted assistant, seamlessly assisted you, adding valuable insights and effortlessly charming those around him.

You felt a sense of pride watching Namjoon interact with confidence and grace, his knowledge shining through in every conversation. His presence by your side not only alleviated some of the pressure but also brought a level of comfort that you hadn't anticipated. It was in these moments that you appreciated the support and camaraderie you shared, even if it was purely professional.

While your interactions with Namjoon were seamless, you couldn't help but notice the absence of Seokjin. As the evening progressed, his absence became more pronounced, amplifying the void between you and your husband. It was a stark reminder of the lack of communication and emotional connection that plagued your marriage.

Namjoon, ever perceptive, noticed the wistful longing in your eyes as you gazed at the dancing couples. Concern etched on his face, he gently approached you, his voice filled with genuine care.

"What's wrong, Y/N?" he asked, his tone gentle yet urging. He wanted you to confront your feelings, to acknowledge the void that had been growing within you.

You took a deep breath, appreciating Namjoon's willingness to listen.

"I miss love... I miss Seokjin..." you admitted softly, the words carrying the weight of your unspoken desires.

A knowing smile tugged at Namjoon's lips as he reassured you.

"I've noticed Seokjin does too, Y/N. He's been watching you the entire night, even when you weren't aware of it."

Surprise flickered across your face. You hadn't realized that Seokjin had been observing you, his gaze fixated on you amidst the crowd. It was a revelation that sparked a mix of hope and apprehension within you.

Namjoon's voice was filled with encouragement as he spoke.

"Y/N, he is your husband, and I believe he likes you more than you realize. I'm sure if you approach him and express your desire to dance, he won't pass up the opportunity, especially when you look as beautiful as you do tonight."

A blush crept onto your cheeks at his compliment, and a genuine smile graced your lips.

"Have I ever told you what a great friend you are, Joonie?"

Namjoon chuckled softly.

"Actions speak louder than words ever could. Now go, Y/N. Take a chance and talk to Seokjin. Trust me, it's worth it."

Though fear and uncertainty lingered in your heart, Namjoon's unwavering support provided the push you needed. With newfound determination, you straightened your posture and mustered the courage to approach Seokjin, who was engaged in conversation with the new investors.

As you weaved through the crowd, anticipation coursed through your veins. You hoped that Namjoon's observations were accurate, that Seokjin had been longing for a connection just as much as you had. The thought emboldened you, dispelling the doubts that threatened to hold you back.

Seokjin turned his head, his eyes meeting yours as you finally stood before him. A mix of surprise and warmth washed over his features, and you saw a flicker of recognition in his gaze. Without a word, you extended your hand, silently conveying your unspoken desire.

His eyes softened, and a smile tugged at the corners of his lips as he took your hand in his.

Seokjin, understanding the significance of the moment, takes a moment to appreciate your beauty. His eyes trace the curves of your dress, the way it hugs your figure perfectly. He can't help but smile, realizing that he hasn't given you a proper compliment tonight.

"You look absolutely stunning, Y/N," he says, his voice filled with sincerity. "I can't believe I didn't say it sooner."

You can't help but giggle at his words, feeling warmth spread through your chest. His compliment feels genuine, and it sparks lightness in your heart that you hadn't felt in a long time. It's as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders, and you find yourself opening up to the possibility of a renewed connection.

Seokjin takes a step closer, his eyes locked on yours, as he musters the courage to ask, "How is your night going, Y/N?"

You share with him the excitement of the new interest you and Namjoon are receiving from other socialites. The conversations, the connections—it's all been invigorating, and you can't help but feel grateful for the opportunity.

Seokjin's smile widens as he congratulates you. "That's wonderful, Y/N. I'm so proud of you."

You shake your head, a playful smile tugging at your lips.

"No, Seokjin. It's all Namjoon. He's the main attraction tonight."

Seokjin's gaze intensifies as he stares at you intently.

"I'd dare to disagree," he says, his voice filled with a newfound conviction. "You've always been the one who captivates everyone's attention, including mine."

The sincerity in his words takes you by surprise, and your heart skips a beat. It's as if your heart is ready to open itself up with all of the vulnerability that has held you back for so long, now catalyzing the reaction.

...

With the bouquet of flowers sitting on your desk, their vibrant colors filling your office with a touch of beauty, Namjoon walks in and spots them. He smiles warmly and congratulates you on the surprise delivery. All you can do is smile back, your mind filled with Seokjin.

You've had many relationships filled with grand gestures and passionate love, but receiving flowers from your husband, even in the midst of your estranged relationship, feels like a sign of acceptance and a glimmer of hope.

As the workday comes to an end, you return home and notice Seokjin's shoes by the door. It's a rare sight these days, as your schedules often kept you apart. The thought of both of you being home simultaneously sparks a sense of anticipation within you.

A sense of unease washes over you when your cleaner pulls you aside with a concerned expression on her face. She shares with you that Seokjin had returned home earlier, appearing visibly upset and tired. She mentions that he seemed to be in a foul mood and advised you to be careful when approaching him.

A mix of worry and curiosity fills your mind as you thank the cleaner for her honesty. Deciding to seize the opportunity, you make two cups of tea, carefully selecting the blend that Seokjin has always favored. The comforting aroma fills the kitchen, reminding you of the first moments you shared in the past, when the two of you were still trying to appease each other.

Seokjin's gaze lifts from the papers on his desk as he sees you standing at the doorway of his study. A soft smile tugs at the corners of his lips as he adjusts his glasses, and you can't help but notice how handsome he looks with them.

"Hi," you greet him, your voice filled with a mixture of nervousness and hope. "I made you some tea."

A hint of surprise flickers across Seokjin's face before he sets aside his work and gestures for you to come in. "Well, do come in," he says warmly, his eyes never leaving yours.

You step into his study, the faint aroma of freshly brewed tea filling the air. Taking a few steps closer, you carefully place the cup in his hands, cautioning him to be careful as you remind him that it's hot.

Seokjin's fingers curl around the warm cup and he places it on the table, and he looks up at you, his gaze filled with a mix of gratitude and curiosity. "Thank you, Y/n. This is greatly appreciated."

You look around for a place to sit untill you find yourself wrapped in Seokjin's strong embrace, comfortably settled on his lap. The closeness between you ignites a flicker of familiarity and intimacy that you had been yearning for. As he relaxes against you, placing his head at the conjucture of your shoulder and neck, you feel a sense of warmth and security enveloping you.

As you run your fingers through Seokjin's hair, a sense of tenderness and understanding fills the air. You can feel the weight of his burdens slowly easing as he finds solace in your touch. The worries and stress of the outside world seem to fade away, leaving just the two of you in this quiet moment.

You continue to stroke his hair, your touch gentle and soothing. The rhythm of your movements becomes a silent lullaby, calming not only Seokjin but also bringing a sense of peace within yourself. The bond between you feels tangible, as if you're reminding each other of the love that exists beneath the surface.

After a while, Seokjin lifts his head slightly, his eyes meeting yours with a mix of gratitude and vulnerability. 

"Thank you, Y/n," he whispers softly. "Having you here, reminding me that I'm not alone, it means more than words can express."

A gentle smile graces your lips as you lean in, pressing a tender kiss against Seokjin's forehead. 

"You're never alone, Seokjin. I'm here for you, always."

Seokjin's arms tighten around you, embracing you with a renewed sense of warmth and affection.

"Seokjin, why don't you go to bed? You've been working so hard, and you deserve some rest." you gently suggest, feeling the weight of Seokjin's exhaustion.

Seokjin looks at you, his tired eyes softening with gratitude. He nods, realizing that he needs a break from the demanding world outside. Slowly, you both rise from his lap, your hands still intertwined, and make your way towards his bedroom.

“Stay with me tonight” he pleads you looking at you like you are only star in a dark night sky, his eyes almost filling with tears. You nod silently and give his hand a squeeze.

You slip under the covers beside Seokjin, keeping a safe distance as to not cross a line.

“Is it okay if I come closer?” his voice wavers and all you feel is full-hearted respect coming from him. You wished that you didn’t need to tip toe around each other but the truth was that there was a long way to go, but both of you were willing to get there.

Before he could move closer you curled up against his side your presence bringing a sense of calm and reassurance to Seokjin, melting away the stress and worries that have been weighing him down. The world outside fades into insignificance as you create a cocoon of tranquility within the confines of his bedroom.

Seokjin's tired eyes meet yours, reflecting a mix of gratitude, love, and vulnerability. 

"Thank you, Y/n," he murmurs, his voice filled with sincerity. "You have no idea what having you here…my wife … means to me”

You smile tenderly, placing a gentle kiss on his forehead.

"I know Seokjin.”

He places his hand gently on your cheek and softly kisses your forehead, lips soft as silk remind you of your wedding day and the first, and only, kiss you’ve shared.

As you both surrender to the embrace of sleep, the weight of the day dissipates, and a serene calm washes over you. Wrapped in the comfort of each other's presence, your minds drift into a realm of dreams and possibilities.

Shadows of doubt pt. 2

Pairing: Seokjin x f!reader

Genre: arranged marriage, angst, fluff, hurt to comfort.

Word count: 3.4K

A/n: Sorry for the long wait but the second part is finally here! It’s exam season at my uni right now so i didn’t have much time to write:// Please leave a comment if you enjoyed it (and even if you didn’t enjoy it! It helps me learn:))

Shadows of doubt pt. 1, Unmasked lies (set after events of Shadows of doubt pt. 2)

<

Sparkly sunlight danced across your office mingling on a fresh bouquet of tulips adorning your desk.

Life just couldn’t get any better. You currently felt on top of the world with your marriage finally mending itself day by day due to an emotional connection between your husband and you.

Not only was your marriage on the highest cloud but your company has taken off as well. New customers signing contracts and investing huge amounts of money into your delicate visions.

Today’s contract with the Min’s has set a milestone in your company’s record worth celebrating.

An idea of a big party to welcome your new clients as well as celebrate your hard work popped into your mind and the first person you wanted to share it with was your loving husband.

With a joyful smile on your face, you picked up your phone and dialled Seokjin's number.

As the phone rang, anticipation built up inside you. Each ring seemed to stretch on for an eternity until finally he answered, or so you thought…

“Seokjin you won’t believe what happened today!” your voice was filled with excitement.

“Oh, Y/n, Seokjin is busy right now, is there anything you’d like me too pass on to him” a velvet soprano of none other but Seokjin’s assistant Yuri made the corners of your lips fall.

“I see…… well could you let him know that my company is having a celebration this evening? It will be held at the grand palaces of Yang‘s” the previous excitement had fizzled out of your tone.

"I'll inform him, Y/n, but he is very busy today" Yuri's voice was distant as she replied, with an undertone of mockery, which made your stomach twist with a strange emotion.

How could you even begin to describe the woman named Yuri. She was one of the richest heiresses’ in Korea, but had chosen a job of an assistant secretary to Kim Seokjin before you had the chance to know him as your arranged husband.

She was undoubtedly gorgeous with a slim figure, long black hair that contrasted her porcelain like white skin and big beautiful eyes. All of the aunties praised her for her good looks, even if her manners didn’t shine as bright as her outside.

You had never cared for her until the marriage. You had known of Yuri’s and Seokjin’s alleged romance, there was a rumour saying that Yuri and Seokjin were sleeping together and even planned to marry which most believed to be true. Although such rumours were spread a few years before your marriage it didn’t stop everyone from mentioning it to you after the wedding.

For the first half of the marriage you had believed that Seokjin and Yuri were still in a secret relationship seeing as the two of you never engaged in a conversation, let alone anything physical. But now you were completely content with your marriage and trusted your husband more than anyone else.

You also wanted to trust Yuri, feeling as you could have misunderstood the woman you had never met, but you could not let yourself. There was something about her tone that you disliked as she spoke to you and most importantly she never called you in a polite manner always using your name, which at first surprised you until you remembered the kind of attitude she carried.

You sat back in your chair letting your face relax and get rid of the tension. You had a party to get ready for and you wanted to look perfect as a pink diamond for your husband.

As the evening arrived and the party commenced, your excitement began to wane. Seokjin was nowhere to be seen, and your worry only grew with each passing minute. You glanced at your phone, hoping for a missed call or a message from him, but it remained silent, only your unread messages and unanswered calls covering the screen.

You nervously pulled your lip between your teeth which made Namjoon pull on your arm slightly.

“Stop that before you bite it open” Namjoon was painfully aware of your anxious behaviour, low voice expressing care. “What’s on your mind?”

“Sorry it’s just… Seokjin is not here. And he’s not picking up my calls or answering my messages… I'm starting to get really worried. What if something happened to him?”

"Y/n, I'm sure he's only running late and there is nothing to worry about." Namjoon's eyes narrowed with concern as he observed your growing distress.

You nodded, trying to convince yourself that everything was fine, but deep down, anxiety continued to gnaw at you. You couldn't shake off the feeling that something was amiss.

As the hours passed, the celebration went on without Seokjin's presence. Your heart sank, and you excused yourself from the crowd, retreating into a quiet corner of the venue.

Feeling the weight of the situation, you pulled out your phone once again, desperately hoping for a response from Seokjin. But as you scrolled through her messages and call logs, disappointment and worry etched across your face.

“Either he is ignoring me on purpose or he is over working himself again” a sad sign left your lips.

You went back into the venue and quickly found Namjoon among the crowd.

“Joonie I’m going to go look for Seokjin will you manage to wrap up the party alone?”

“Of course boss, no problem. Oh and be careful I think it’s raining!” Namjoon set you off with one of his dazzling smiled and a cute wave which you returned quickly leaving the party.

You made your way to Seokjin’s offices without a hitch. When you spotted his car in the garage anger flowed through you and you were ready to scold him the second you saw him for working so hard.

At this point you didn’t even care that he missed your party and was ignoring you for the whole day, you cared about his health that was thinning every day more and more.

When you exited the lift at his floor you could barely make out the way to his door as the lights were out everywhere.

But there was a faint glow coming from Seokjin’s office.

Peering into Seokjin's office, you saw him sitting at a table in candle light, engrossed in conversation with his Yuri. They were having dinner together and his hand was covering hers on the table while the other rubbed her shoulder that was engulfed by the jacket you had designed for him not even a week ago.

The scene shattered your heart into a million pieces. The pain of betrayal overwhelmed you, leaving you breathless. All his sweet words and reassurances that you had believed erased themselves from your brain, leaving you with anything but distrust in the man.  

Tears welled up in your eyes as you turned away, you could no longer look at the way his eyes looked into hers softly.

Wordlessly you straightened up and walked back to your car, feeling a mixture of heartbreak, anger, and betrayal.

With each step the gold band around your finger became heavier and solidified the determination within you.

You knew what you had to do.

Returning home, you quickly packed your belongings, each item a painful reminder of the shattered love you were growing for so long. Tears were streaming down your face as you made the decision to leave this home, to distance yourself from the pain that now consumed you whole.

In the midst of your heart-wrenching pain, you sought a safe place in the comforting presence of your dear friend Namjoon. Tears streamed down your face as you collapsed onto his shoulder, finding a safe haven in his embrace.

Namjoon, understanding the depth of your sorrow, held you tightly, his voice soothing and gentle.

"Y/n, it's going to be okay. I'm here for you, always. Let it all out."

Through your sobs, you managed to speak, your voice choked with anguish as Namjoon led you inside his apartment.

"Namjoon, I can't believe this is happening. How could he betray me like this?" you cried out, feeling your heart physically breaking you gnawed at your chest with your hands.

Namjoon's soothing voice washed over you as he gently held your hands from hurting yourself further.

"I know, Y/n, you don’t deserve this."

Your cries grew louder, the pain piercing through every fibre of your being. Namjoon's caring gaze met yours as he stood from the couch to retreat a bottle of calming pills from his room.

“Here take these, they’ll help you calm down” he handed you two pills and a glass of water but you were shaking so much you couldn’t hold the glass in your hands. Before it could slip out of your grip Namjoon caught it carefully in his hands and helped you drink from it like you were a toddler.

As the medication began to take effect, a sense of calm washed over you. Your cries subsided, and the weight on your chest lessened. Namjoon stayed by your side, ensuring you were comfortable and safe.

…

Seokjin stepped through the front door of his home, exhaustion etched on his face. The maid, startled by his sudden arrival, approached him with a concerned expression.

"Mr. Kim, where did Mrs. Kim go? She left a few hours ago with her bags" the maid informed him, her voice laced with worry.

Seokjin's brows furrowed in confusion.

"What are you talking about?  Y/n left? Did she say anything?"

The maid shook her head.

"I'm afraid not, sir. She seemed distraught, and she didn't respond when I asked her where she was going. She just left without a word."

Panic coursed through Seokjin's veins as he quickly pulled out his phone, dialling your number and sending frantic text messages. But there was no response, only an eerie silence that hung in the air.

His voice trembled with a mix of confusion and desperation as he muttered to himself, "Why would she leave without saying anything? What happened? Y/n, please answer me…"

With each passing moment, Seokjin's worry grew, and a heavy weight settled in his chest. The thought of you leaving, consumed his mind. He could no longer fathom the idea of a life without you, and the mere possibility sent him into a state of despair.

He continued to call and text, pleading for a response, hoping against hope that you would answer and provide some explanation. But the silence persisted, leaving him feeling lost and helpless.

"I need to find her," Seokjin murmured to himself pulling at his hair out of frustration, his voice filled with determination. "I can't let her slip away like this without an explanation."

With a resolute expression, he grabbed his car keys and rushed out of the house, determined to track you down, to confront you for leaving without saying anything to him.

That’s how Seokjin found himself standing in front of Namjoon's apartment in the pouring rain, his body shivering from the cold and his heart heavy with pain.

He quickly knocked on the door praying to all the gods that you’re inside.

And his prayers are answered when you open the door. A small smile appears on his face but not for long as you reach for the door closing it again.

Seokjin reacts quickly reaching his hand out and stopping the door from closing.

"Y/n, please, let’s talk" he pleaded, his voice filled with desperation.

"Seokjin, I don't want to talk to you" you said, your voice laced with pain.

Confusion washed over him.

"What? Why? Why did you leave?" He struggled to catch his breath, his words tumbling out in a rush.

"Just go, Seokjin. We can talk tomorrow at the attorney's office" you replied, your voice trembling, eyes casted to the ground.

His heart sank at the mention of the attorney's office.

"What? What are you talking about?"

"I'll end your misery and divorce you, so you and Yuri can be happy together" you said, your words filled with a mix of hurt and anger.

Seokjin's eyes widened in disbelief.

"What? No, no, no. What are you saying? What does Yuri have to do with this?"

Tears welled up in your eyes as you spoke, your voice trembling with pain.

"Seokjin, I saw you. The both of you. Tonight. I was at your office."

"You were at my office?" he asked, his voice filled with disbelief.

"Yes, I was looking for you like a fool because I got worried for my husband when you didn't come to my party, only to find you two basically on top of each other in an empty office, having dinner in the candle light" you explained, your voice breaking as your eyes once again welled with tears.

"Party? Y/n, what party? What are you talking about?" Seokjin asked, his voice filled with confusion.

"I called Yuri today, and she was supposed to tell you about it" you said, your voice filled with disappointment, still believing he purposefully missed your event.

"Oh..." Seokjin's voice trailed off as he began to understand the situation. Why Yuri was so adamant about finishing a new deal today, why she asked him for advice on her relationship and why she burrowed his phone earlier in the day.

"Seokjin, I don't care anymore, okay?" you said, your voice filled with resignation.

"Y/n, please! I had no idea about the party" Seokjin pleaded, desperation evident in his voice.

"Stop lying to me. I called Yuri, and she was-" you said, your voice quivering with emotion.

“Well she didn’t! She lied to me too!” Seokjin finally yelled out, unable to control his emotions.

Tears streamed down your face as you listened to his words, knowing that this situation was definitely ruined by Yuri and not Seokjin.

"But it still doesn't explain the two of you having dinner together."

A scene of the two popped into your mind again, still as fresh, still as painful.

Seokjin took a deep breath, his voice filled with sincerity.

"Yuri said that she got dumped by her fiancé, and she needed a shoulder to cry on… Y/n, I would never as much as look at another woman with such intentions. You are my wife, and you are the only one. There was never another option. It was always you. Ever since my father said your name, ever since I saw you, it was you and you only. If divorcing me will make you happier you can do it but just know that you are my first and only wife and I’ll do everything in my power to make you happy even if it means cutting my heart into pieces and letting you go I’ll do it, but not without putting up a fight. I’m not going to let you go easily without having shown you how much i can love, without being the husband i have dreamed of being for you since day one, without giving you all the things and all the love you deserve."

His words pierced through your pain, and for a moment, you saw the raw vulnerability in his eyes.

Your eyes cleared, and all you saw was a young boy in front of you who had been suffering just as much as you had, drenched in rain and shaking from the cold, his lips turning blue, eyes teary and earnest.

“Y/n I only love you. I love you.” His eyebrows knitted together, tears mixing with rain droplets on his cheeks as the silence coming from your side made his heart ache with every beat it took.

“Come in you must be freezing” your voice was gentle and warm, unlike before, which let Seokjin relax as your hand circled his arm.

Namjoon appeared in the doorway, his expression angry and protective, hands set in front of his chest. Even you had to agree he looked scary and turned your gaze at Seokjin who was looking down barely lifting his eyes at the larger man.

"I'm sorry to intrude" Seokjin murmured, feeling small in front of the tall and furious Namjoon.

“Joonie please give him some dry clothes while I make tea” you eyed Namjoon reaching out to touch his arm and bring his death glare away from your husband.

He finally looks at you and nods his head letting out a sign.

You went to make the tea, leaving the two men alone. Namjoon tossed Seokjin some dry clothes, his voice filled with a mix of sternness and concern.

"I know that you love her. But no matter how many flowers and gifts you send her or how many times you say it to her, it won't fix what you've broken today. She might not hate you anymore, but the damage is done. And this kind of damage you can’t fix with an expensive pair of earrings or a shiny car.”

Seokjin's eyes met Namjoon's, and he nodded solemnly.

"I understand.”

“Show up for her. Emotionally. Gift her flowers from my own hands, take her out, hold her hand. Be present with her if you really want to make a change."

Seokjin nodded, his gaze intense.

“I will. I can’t afford to lose the only person that matters to me.” His eyes looked down at the wedding band adorning his finger.

"Good. Fight for her, Seokjin. Show her the love and commitment she deserves and it’ll be smooth sailing from then on." Namjoon’s hand connected with Seokjin’s shoulder and he lost balance from the impact for a second but Namjoon only smirked at the older man.

As you returned with the tea, the room was filled with a comfortable silence that let you take a deep breath finally feeling content after the hectic day.

“Here have some” you handed Seokjin the cup and passed another to Namjoon, silently thanking him for being nice with Seokjin.

You sat beside Seokjin on the couch ad brushed your hand through his still damp hair.

You looked at each other eyes filled with love and care, today’s shadows dissipating from your hearts as you finally opened yourselves to one another.

Seokjin cuddled up to you and quickly succumbed to sleep. Before your mind could escape to the dream world you felt a blanket being placed on top of you two and opened your eyes to see the man without who you wouldn’t have been able to really know your husband.

“Thank you” you smiled softly at your friend and he returned your smile, happy to finally see you fulfilled, cheeks rosy and your husband nestled perfectly into your chest clutching you close like a small child would.

…

Seokjin's warm presence next to you filled you with a sense of comfort and contentment. The moonlight cast a soft glow over the room, adding a touch of magic to the dark atmosphere.

His eyes glistened with emotion, and you can't help but be captivated by his gaze.

“Everything okay?” your eyes meet his in the unlit room, only moonlight illuminating his delicate features.

“Everything’s perfect. I love you Y/n” he smiles staring deeply into your eyes.

Your palm finds his cheek and caresses it softly and without wasting another second you lean in and place a sweet kiss on his plump lips.

“I love you too Seokjin” you look into his eyes seeing tears of joy appearing in them reflecting the depth of his emotions. His smile widens, radiating happiness and love.

“But I love you more”

As he leans in to kiss you again, the air fills with a sense of playfulness. His sweet gesture makes you giggle, an expression of pure delight escaping your lips. In this moment, the world fades away, and all that matters is the love shared between the two of you.

You continue to embrace each other, cherishing the love that binds you together. In the quiet darkness of the room, your hearts beat as one, and the promise of beautiful days ahead fills the air.

>

Shadows of doubt Masterlist^^

Shadows of doubt pt. 1

Shadows of doubt pt. 2

Unmasked lies - drabble

💜💜💜

Cry Me A River | Masterpost

— pairing: bts x reader

— genre: angst, slight fluff, poly!au, mafia!au, arranged marriage!au

— status: ongoing

— warnings: (triggering topics!) childhood trauma, mental abuse, child neglect, manipulation, gaslighting, violence, mentions of assault, hurt and comfort, divorce, emotional neglect, minor character deaths, kidnapping

one. the breaking | you tried so hard to be enough

two. the lie | a house made of cards, they lived in your beautiful fairytale

three. the promise | if you told them about the darkness inside of you, would they still look at you like you're the sun?

four. coming soon...

💜💜💜

Cry Me A River | Masterpost

— pairing: bts x reader

— genre: angst, slight fluff, poly!au, mafia!au, arranged marriage!au

— status: ongoing

— warnings: (triggering topics! please read at your own discretion) childhood trauma, mental abuse, physical abuse, child neglect, manipulation, gaslighting, violence, mentions of assault, implied sexual assault, hurt and comfort, divorce, emotional neglect, minor character deaths, kidnapping, some emotionally unstable scenes

↳ there will likely be more specifics in certain chapters. just know that this series highlight some things that can be triggering to some

one. the breaking | you tried so hard to be enough

two. the lie | a house made of cards, they lived in your beautiful fairytale

three. the promise | if you told them about the darkness inside of you, would they still look at you like you're the sun?

four. the gentle heart | keep your heart warm, no matter how cold they have been to you

five. the void | no matter how many times you read a story over and over again, it always ends the same

six. the puppeteer | father wanted perfection, you fell in love with disorder

seven. the trial master | the only way to get rid of a buried memory is to face your past

eight. the scarlet drop | you can wipe someone's tears but not their memories

nine. the game of chess | everything's burned down into flames and all that's left is you right in the center, unable to escape

ten. coming soon...

💜💜💜

cry me a river | the abuser and the bystander

— summary: it hurts just as much knowing someone could have stopped it all but chose to stand by and watch instead

— pairing: bts x reader

— genre: angst, mafia!au

— word count: 7.4k

— warnings: violence, mentions of physical abuse, use of poison, mentions of child labor and child abuse, manipulation, gaslighting

— part 1 / part 2 / part 3 / part 4 / part 5 / part 6 / part 7 / part 8 / part 9 / part 10

— masterpost

He levels a glare your way but even still, furrows his brows with confusion by your words. “What?”

“It’s alright, Hoseok, let him go,” you tell the man beside you with a soft pat against his arm. Hoseok hesitates to do so, a glare leveled at Jummy but he gives in to your words nonetheless, letting go but not without force and causing Jummy to go into a fit of coughs.

You grin with amusement. “Hey, Jummy,” with a hand trailing onto his shoulder to wrap itself around and hold the nape of his neck, you lean forward so close to his ears in order to fall out of earshot from everyone but Jummy. “You know what’s funny?” Hoseok’s brows furrow at the sight, not liking how close you are to the man and the fact that he can’t hear a thing you’re saying. “My father never once laid his hands on me.”

“That’s because that bastard always had others do the job for him.”

“That’s right, and you were one of those people, weren’t you? So don’t you think it would be right for me to do the same?” You take a step back, a smirk held his way.

“...What?”

“Yuna.”

The second you speak the name, Yuna is at your side in an instant. No one knows where she came from but here she is without falter, dressed in complete black from head to toe. 

“For all the times you were stood on the side, unable to do anything as Jummy did what he wanted to do with me, you can seek your revenge now.” If Yuna had eyes, you’re sure they would have darkened at your commands, or perhaps they would have filled with thrill and excitement. She grabs ahold of her two sai blades which lied on each side of her belt, spinning them well along her fingers before holding onto them with a tight grip, and even without eyes, Jummy feels his body running cold upon Yuna’s attention.

“Y-you really think you can come here and take over my party? All the guests here are—”

“No one’s on your side, Jummy, haven’t you realized that?” Upon your words, he looks around frantically for help but no one steps up. “If they were to come after me, it’d be their revenge for me taking Daejung’s head but in your case, only you can protect yourself now.”

“I-I have my own people to—”

A bullet from a high distance shoots a man down when he tries to come to his boss’s aid and you send the man a smile as the party falls into an uproar upon Dasom’s signal.

“Well then, good luck, Jummy.”

With that, you turn your back on him and begin to walk away as your people take over.

“He wasn’t the one you were after was he?” Hoseok asks, his feet carrying him to walk along your side.

You shrug. “Hey Hoseok, could I perhaps give you the honor to get rid of a man for me? I think you’d quite enjoy the job.”

“Who?” He doesn’t ask why, just ready at your command and you take ahold of your gun amidst the chaos, pointing it at a man from afar and without hesitation, shoot right upon the thigh of his leg.

“That man,” you say. “Looks familiar, doesn’t he?”

A limp in his foot, the other leg now taken from you once more, and Hoseok gets his gun ready. “What about you?” He asks, wondering what your plans were.

“Don’t worry about that, I can take care of myself.” With that, you’re taking off on your feet, disappearing into the crowd with your long black dress and heels clicking away.

Hoseok stands there watching you for some time before he takes off in the opposite direction, trusting you in your plans. “Jimin, Yoongi,” he calls into the intercom.

In just a split second, the younger man’s voice comes in. “Hyung.”

“Get to Y/N,” he orders as he catches sight of the limping man trying to escape. “Something tells me this is bigger than it seems.”

There’s no way you just put on a show just for the fun of it. Jummy wasn’t your target. Perhaps he was indeed someone who did you wrong but you’re letting one of your members kill him off for you, telling him that perhaps all of this was just to divert the crowds’ attention from somewhere else.

Somewhere you’re heading towards.

“She’s heading for her real target.”

.

.

.

“Hello there, Ying.”

You slide in through the window like a slithering snake and situate yourself against the windowsill with a leg crossed over the over, revealing more of your bare legs.

Ying pauses in his tracks as he looks over at the call of his name, his expression appearing calm as he turns to face you and gives you his full attention. Adjusting the collars on his sleeves, two of his men who fall on each side of him stands tall and intimidating, while he observes you.

“Missed me?” You chirp with an easy-going grin.

“Y/N,” he says, voice low and calm, unlike his hot-headed younger brother. “You seem to be doing well.”

“Well, taking over the throne has certainly given me much more freedom than my father would ever have,” you say, shrugging lightly. From the corner of your eyes, you notice two familiar silhouettes just outside your viewpoint, blind to the men before you.

“You have my brother cornered, who knew you were such a smart woman behind that silent gaze. Are you upset at him for what he’s done to you?”

“Oh Ying, if I was that upset, I would have taken care of him myself, no? Jummy’s just a waste of my time.”

His brows crease slightly. “Then why are you here? To sign an alliance with me?”

You laugh aloud. “Men are so, so foolish, aren’t they?” You jump from the windowsill, approaching him, and even as his two men step up on guard against you, you ignore them to continue your way towards Ying who remains standing still with no will to move away. “Did you know that the abuser and the ones who simply decide to just watch the abuser and do nothing about it are just as bad?”

“So what? You’re upset I never stepped in to help you?”

“If I was really that weakhearted, would I have survived for this long?” You ask him, a raise in your brow. “You pretend to be the good brother, the knight in shining armor, and if I wasn’t such a smart little girl, I would have totally fallen for your charms and believed you were on my side all along. But in reality, there’s something much darker about you, isn’t there?”

“What are you saying?” He looks down at you with furrowed brows as you play with his tie. “Was my kindness to you not enough?”

“Kindness?” You snicker. “You don’t actually believe offering me a few sweet words and tending to my wounds after your brother’s abuse would have been enough to swoon me, did you?”

“Just clench your teeth and the next time it happens, it’ll all be over before you know it.” You remain silent as he speaks those words, head lowered while he sits before you, carefully looking over your body and tending to the wounds himself. Even though he has his own men in the room, Ying always offered to do the treating himself.

But this isn’t kindness.

Not when he’s always there to watch Jummy hurt you and do nothing about it, simply letting his younger brother do his thing, and then deciding to step in once it seems the ignorant brat is done taking his anger out.

This isn’t kindness. He’s just trying to sweeten you up, have you believing he’s on your side when he’s really not.

You’re just a puppet to his eyes, someone who can help him in the future, someone who can give him power and authority. He wants to use you, to pretend to be a good man, and perhaps even make you fall in love with him in order to claim the Reaper’s seat.

You’re much too scarred to ever trust a man that easily again but if he wants to pretend then you’ll pretend as well.

“Why don’t you do anything, Ying?” You ask him in a small voice, pretending to slowly break. “You’re the older brother, can’t you…can’t you stop Jummy? It hurts, Ying.”

“I know, but it won’t be too long until all of this is over, alright? Just hold on a little longer.”

Just hold on a little longer. It’ll be over soon.

That’s what he always tells you. How long has it been since the first time he’s spoken those words? Perhaps a year now. Yet he still thinks he can sway you with such words.

“I’ll be right back. I’m going to talk to Jummy, alright?” When you don’t give him an answer, you feel his large palm touch you on the top of your head. And then, he leaves along with his men, leaving you all to yourself once more.

When you look up to stare at his back, the glare that levels his way, even after the door closes, doesn’t ever leave.

You rip the bandage he wrapped around you, calling unto your boys. “Mingyu. Yeonjun.”

They come in a split second.

“Be a good girl and head back home, Y/N. You’ve already gotten Jummy.”

He takes you to be a fool, he always had from the very moment he laid eyes on you. The Reaper had always been quite a force and because of that, you were a tool used by your father who wished to exploit you in all the ways possible.

When Ying found that out, he decided to fake his way into your heart and pretend to care when no one else did, having no idea of your own loyal members who were already doing their jobs well.

Yet unlike him who only stood by to watch willingly and feign his kindness afterward, your Reapers always had a hard time holding themselves back when watching you get hurt by your father’s men. Unlike him who had the power to stop them at any time, your Reapers were forced to stand back, knowing that one wrong move would have your secrets all spilled out and everyone would end up dead while you suffer the consequences.

There is a difference between being a willing bystander while knowing you have the power to do something, and being a bystander who has no power and no choice but to stand and watch, knowing that if they were to do something, it would result in serious consequence.

Ying is different from your people.

He feigns his kindness and you hate fake people.

“If you want me to go home, get these men out of the way.”

“No.”

“Why not?” You feign a pout. “Do you see me as a threat, Ying? Aren’t I just a hopeless little girl who needs a knight in shining armor in your eyes? What can a small girl like me do to you? Look,” you slither your hands up and around his neck, causing his men to quickly act but are immediately held back by Jimin and Yoongi. You ignore them to remain staring into Ying’s eyes. “My hands can barely wrap themselves around you. If I were to choke you, you’d have me dead in a split second.”

Ying remains still as he meets your cunning gaze, face only deciding to inch closer to him.

“Ah but my sweet Ying wouldn’t ever hurt me, would he? You promised after all.” You laugh at the memories before looking over to the side when more of his men seem to gather around. Jimin and Yoongi step up to deal with them while you keep yourself busy with the boss at hand. “Hey Ying, maybe you could call off your men, yeah?”

“You’re here to kill me, aren’t you?”

“Hm…am I?”

“Do you want an apology? For all the times I stood by and didn’t stop my brother from hurting you? Is that what you want?”

How foolish. “No, I just want you dead,” you admit casually as if speaking about the weather. “You have to realize, Ying, that it hurts just as much knowing someone could have stopped it all but chose to stand by and watch instead.”

Namjoon was the sole reason the relationship fell and when you needed the rest of them to step up, they did absolutely nothing. He was in power, sure, a man in a position higher than any of you, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t have done anything for you.

You wonder what was going on in their heads when Namjoon spoke insults at you, when you were so desperate to save the relationship, pretending everything was okay while trying your best to keep everything stable with everyone else. You wonder what they were thinking when you fell silent upon their ignorance, upon your desperation.

You wonder why they never did anything to stop Namjoon. You wonder why they never tried to help you.

You wonder why they just stood there, doing nothing.

“You’re just as bad as the abuser.”

As you speak those words, something so small yet so sharp stabs against the nape of his neck. Ying’s face crumbles with pain, his body lurching forward, falling to his knees, but his struggle doesn’t last long because just seconds later, his heavy body has dropped to the floor, left lifeless.

You’ve learned from Daejung that simple poison won’t work on the men you’re trying to rid of. They’ll put up a fight, hurt you, and cause you more damage than you’ve already gotten from them. So you had Yeonjun look into creating a much more lethal poison that wouldn’t give you any trouble.

It worked.

“Y/N—” You ignore Yoongi to throw a dagger at the man who ran up from behind him.

“Come on, Yoongi, you know better than to get distracted during a battle.” With that, the three of you come together to deal with the rest of the men who’re too stubborn to leave you be, especially after their boss had just fallen.

They should know when to retreat, especially when you give them no mercy and claw away at them, stabbing blades after blades, shooting each of them down with your gun. You don’t care for the messes you’re making, you welcome it.

After all, disorder is much better than perfection.

And soon enough, everyone’s body has fallen dead on the floor with you standing right in the middle.

When the two men look at you, they see nothing but a blank stare, emotionless and filled with an empty void. You don’t cower before the blood, you don’t even attempt to rid of the stench and stain which now decorates your body and dress.

Instead, you stand there almost as lifeless as the bodies on the floor.

When you look up at them, there is nothing but silence.

You’re just as bad as the abuser, they remember you say and for a moment it almost seems to be directed at them.

They still remember those days as clear as the sun. How could they not? They once loved you so dearly and now a part of you will always doubt that love.

“Feel better, alright?” Those were the words Jimin remembers saying to you at the beginning of it all, as if it was that simple, as if it was that easy.

But it wasn’t and when you needed them the most, they left you all alone.

It’s a long silence but eventually, you’re the first to break the stillness of the room, stepping towards Ying’s body to search for something in his pockets.

“We’re not done yet,” you say.

“We aren’t?”

“I didn’t come here just to kill a few people.” A black card flashes in your hand from Ying’s pocket and you begin to walk off. “Follow me,” you say, and after sharing a glance at one another, the two of them follow along.

You lead them to the end of the hallway where an old elevator resides and step right on in. Once there, you scan the black card upon an empty space, causing a small beeping sound to then resound and the ground floor button appears.

Jimin’s brows furrow. “What is this?”

“Ying had a secret he kept from everyone. Something I found out a year into knowing him so I had my team investigate his suspicious act and low and behold,” the doors open to show a dark underground, “there was something quite dark and disgusting about the man.”

“What’d you find out?”

You fall silent without an answer to Yoongi’s question, simply stepping forward to walk into the darkness. They follow without a word, knowing they’d find out the truth themselves. It grows colder and colder by the second the further the three of you walk through the undergrounds, until eventually you make a right and a few guards that have been posted are seen.

They’re on the floor for some reason, however, lifeless, and you guess someone must have already gotten here before you.

Your brows furrow at the sight until the dungeon of cages appears and a man stands in the middle of the hallway, holding onto a child while more surround him at his feet.

“Children…?” Yoongi whispers in disbelief at the sight of frail little children who’re now out of the cages, clothes shriveled up and ragged, their bodies dirty, faces heavy with fatigue as if they’ve been forced to do harsh labor.

You don’t pay attention to them even as a few gasps upon your entrance, your eyes are simply trained at the man in the middle, feet quickening until you’re up kicking the dirt from the ground and jumping right in to land a forceful kick on his stomach, causing him to fly backward and hit the wall behind him.

You walk forward to grab the little boy out of his hand, a glare leveled his way.

“What are you doing hanging around him willingly?” You ask the boy in your arms, brows furrowed with anger.

“B-but he—”

Before he can say another word, you inject a needle poison into the man’s neck and the children gasp at the sight of a man killed right before their eyes.

“Y/N what the hell?” There’s no way you just did that in front of the children.

You ignore the two men to turn back to the children as you set the boy down and crouch to their level, eyes stern and hard while they lower their heads, cowering in fear.

“Well?” You prompt, demanding an answer out of them.

Sunoo, the little boy, speaks up. “He…he was nice, milady.”

“So what? Are you going to trust every nice adult out there?” You accuse, voice hard and scary despite the fact that you aren’t yelling. You never yell, not once have they ever heard you yell, but when you’re like this, you’re much more scary than all the other adults that have laid their hands on them.

“Tell me, Poya,” you turn to the little girl closest to you and she straightens up upon your call, “when has that man ever helped you?”

“He…” She hesitates. “He would give us extra food when we behaved well and..and he would treat our wounds when we got hurt.”

“And did he ever do anything else?”

“Huh?” She looks up, confused.

“When Ying would come in, yell at you, accuse you all of something you hadn’t done, criticize you for your lack of your strength, your lack of worth, and when the others would harm you when you did one small thing wrong, tell me, did he ever step up then?”

“W-well…”

“That’s because he couldn’t!”

“Yeah! He couldn’t.”

Your eyes harden and they quickly fall silent once more. “That man may not have authority over Ying but he had enough authority to stop the rest of the guards from hurting you, didn’t he? Look at you.” You take one of their hands, turning the palm over to find it swollen. “Pain.” You point to a little boy’s knee. “Cuts.” You shove the sleeves of a little girl to reveal her arm. “Wounds and bruises. You see this? Did he ever stop them from hurting you? And who are you to know the medicine he treated you with will help you rather than cause you more pain? He only stepped in when there were no eyes on him, only smiled at you and gave you sweet words when everyone else was gone or asleep. Do you really believe this to be kindness?”

They don’t say a thing but you know your words are getting to them.

They’re understanding.

“He didn’t abuse you but he stood there doing nothing and only faked his kindness after you were hurt,” you point out with a hard stare. “There is a difference between not being able to do anything out of your control and doing nothing at all when you know you could’ve helped. This isn’t kindness.”

You see the way their shoulders tense up, how their bodies begin to tremble, a teardrop falling to the floor from a lowered head, how they’re completely silent and still, knowing that showing you any form of weakness or tears will only cause you to push them away.

Because Sir Mingyu said crying in front of you will only burden you. You hate tears, you hate weaknesses, you hate love. So they have to be careful around you.

They have to be careful if they want to remain by your side.

“Why were you late?” Sunoo asks, his voice cracking a bit but he clears his throat afterward, looking up to feign bravery and strength. When he looks at you, there is no ounce of hatred in his eyes, no level of accusatory leveled your way. Just the burden of a child who should not have lived through the things he did. Yet he puts you first and foremost. “Are you okay now?”

“Do not concern yourself with me,” you deadpan in an emotionless tone. “Worry about your own well-being first if anything.”

“You got hurt,” Vinni says, tugging at the blood stains on your dress.

“Was it difficult coming here?” Lily asks, her hand coming up to take your hand as she stares at the cut you grazed on your arm.

“Who do you think I am?”

“Right, of course. My lady fought well,” she says, her brows furrowing slightly when her little hands come up to gently stroke around the blood of the cut, making sure she doesn’t accidentally touch the cut.

You notice her concern. “Seems blood doesn’t scare you anymore.”

“I’ve gotten braver!” She declares proudly when she looks up at you with a bright smile.

“Have you now.”

“Mmh!” She nods happily. “It’s because we knew you were coming soon, milady. We were right to believe in you.”

You frown. “What did I say about believing in people so easily? Even I can betray you one day. What would happen if I were to never show up? Would you still believe in me until the day of your death?”

“Well…” She hesitates, unsure of what to say upon your interrogation. Even in front of the children, you remain hard-headed, unwavering, but even then they were never afraid of you. You’re not like the rest of the adults, after all. Even behind that cold gaze, you’re kind. “I just knew,” she whispers, “I knew you wouldn’t abandon us.”

Because just like them, you were once a lost little child who had no one to rely on, hating the evils of the adults, not knowing who to trust and who to keep your guard up against.

Just like them, you were hurt plenty by the people around you.

Seeing the small little tears in their eyes which they do so well to hold in for your sake, you know just how strong they’ve been.

“You did well,” you speak into the silence, “all of you.”

The way their eyes brighten, the way their lips curl up upon such simple words are almost enough to let the tears flow but they keep strong, blinking them away, hiding them into their arms when some of them can’t keep it in.

“Where will we go now, milady? What will happen to us now?” Sunoo asks, his eyes filled with worry as he looks up at you with his big rounded eyes.

When you stand back up, their eyes follow you like you’re the alpha of the wolf pack, looking at you for guidance, for instructions. “You said you believe me, right? So heed by those words and just worry about yourself. I will take care of everything.”

.

.

.

“Mingyu! Sir Mingyu!”

“Miss Somi!”

Dasom’s face cringes with discomfort as she eyes the second in command with disgust. “Why the hell are they calling me that? They picked it up from you, you bastard.”

“Hey, mind your language,” he whispers to her ear. “Also it’ll do you well to look more kindly in front of the children.”

She tsks while Mingyu turns his attention back to the children, crouching before them with a friendly smile.

“Looks like you haven’t eaten in some time,” he observes as he stares at their skinny little bodies. “Did you get your shots from Yeonjun yet? Have you gotten treated?”

“Yep! That’s why we’re here otherwise Lady Y/N will get angry.”

Seeing their apprehensive expression upon that, Mingyu narrows his gaze as he tilts his head to the side. “Hm, looks like you’ve already made her angry though.”

They pout upon the reminder, head lowered with shame. “She scolded us,” Poya admits and Mingyu laughs aloud.

“Of course she did. She wouldn’t be Y/N if she doesn’t get angry that easily. She’s a real demon, you know. One time I—”

Dasom hits the back of his head without hesitation. “If boss hears you, I wouldn’t hesitate to volunteer to kill you myself.”

“Why’re you always so mean to me?” He cries.

.

.

.

“What are you planning to do with the kids now that you’ve rescued them?” You look up at the sound of Hoseok’s voice as he takes a seat beside you where you sit on the stairs of the building, eyes staring mindlessly at the empty streets before you. “You’re not thinking of sending them away to some orphanage, are you?”

You scoff a little at the question. “I’m not that cruel, Hoseok. Anyone who came into this business because of the orphanages is proof they don’t treat kids well.” He’s a living proof of it and he knows you understand that. “I’ve built an academy for them about two years ago, before the plan to rescue them took place today,” you say, eyes returning to stare at the street. “A few of my people outside the mafia will be in charge of it, making sure they get their education, their meals, and live in a safe environment.”

“For a moment there I almost thought you’d take them in yourself.”

“Ha, and bring them in deeper with what this world has to offer?” You laugh at the thought before your expression hardens. “They don’t deserve this kind of life, they’ve already been through enough.”

Almost everyone who’s joined the mafia has gone through the process at a young age, the rest of them an exception. After all, it’s always been a wiser decision to train their people when they’re still young and striving with ambition. It’s easier to instill loyalty into them, easier to break them.

Hoseok can still remember his time so vividly as if he was living it yesterday. He’ll never forget it.

When he looks your way, the sight of your hand touching the cheek where Jummy had hit you catches his attention.

“Looks like it does hurt after all,” he observes, a slight furrow in his brows. He remembers the slap well, how it echoed into the silence of the room, how you just simply let him do that. You provoked him on purpose, wanting a reaction out of him, and received a slap in return. You let him slap you.

“Well,” you say with a shrug, “whether I like to admit it or not, a slap will always hurt.”

“You did that on purpose, didn’t you?”

“What?”

“You knew that provoking him would give you a slap in return,” he says. “Being as you had history with him, he’s probably laid his hands on you multiple times before.”

“Probably.”

Feeling a rush of ire running through his veins, Hoseok just can’t seem to read you. “Why do you say that so calmly? Shouldn’t you be more upset?”

You laugh a little at his question, not taking this seriously at all and it makes him mad. “Hoseok, if I got upset and let every little thing get to me, do you really think I’d be where I am now?”

“Still—”

“My goal wasn’t him in the first place, it was Ying. Yuna was the one who wanted to hurt him. She carries my emotions.”

He looks at you for a moment, thinking, wondering, and when you turn your head towards him upon his silence, you feel Hoseok’s hand placed against your cheek. The stinging sensation is still there, you can feel it, and when Hoseok touches your cheek, the coldness from the night breeze begins to warm.

You frown. “What are you doing?”

“Do you not feel anything anymore?” When you try to run away, Hoseok doesn’t let you and instead asks a question, softly, and something that had been hidden in your memories surfaces.

“Why aren’t you getting angry? He did something to you, Y/N, so don’t you feel anything?” Hoseok was so angry, so upset, and for a second you remember almost seeing his eyes watery with tears. He was feeling all these emotions for you, all for you.

“Hoseok…I..I-I’m okay, so—”

“You’re not okay and you know it,” he emphasizes, brows furrowed heavily as he runs his hands through his hair, frustrated. You watch him for some time, unable to say anything, not sure of what it is that you should say, so you stand there, silent, while he paces through the room back and forth, staring at the watch on his wrist as if trying to see when the rest of them would return.

“Hoseok…”

He lets out a heavy sigh and turns back to you, shoulders falling with defeat. “Were you scared?” He asks, softly. “You were scared, weren’t you?”

You don’t give him a reply but Hoseok knows. Hoseok always knows. And when he opens his arms out for you, you don’t hesitate to run into them, engulfing yourself in his warm embrace.

“I’m sorry,” he says against your hair. “I’m not upset at you, it’s just…I wish you’d get upset too.”

“But…what if you don’t like me because of that?”

“Why would I not like you because of that?” He asks, sincerely confused. “It’s human emotions, it’s natural. Just like I don’t like getting sad but you still welcome me either way.”

“It’s…similar to that?”

“Mmn.” He leans away just enough to see your face as he brings himself forward, forehead resting against yours. “I’ll love you despite everything so get mad, get upset, throw a tantrum, and I’ll still love you even then.”

“I do feel, Hoseok,” you tell him, hating the memories that have walked into your head. “I feel anger for all the people that have done me wrong, that’s why I’m going after them for revenge.”

“I feel like I should be proud but…that’s all you feel now, don’t you? Other than anger…there’s nothing but a void in your heart.”

You turn away from his hand, eyes stripping away from him to avoid those eyes that may become a weakness to you. “It’s better to not feel. In this way, I can go about my plans much more successfully. If I let my emotions get the best of me, I’ll just give myself weaknesses to shoulder and we can’t have that if I’m trying to get rid of all my enemies.”

“You’re doing risky business, Y/N.”

“From the minute we were associated with the mafia, everything became risky. In your case, at age nine.” You lost your only love and protection at age nine, Hoseok lost his innocence at age nine.

What a time to be alive.

“And you?”

You look over at him when he asks the question, a chuckle running through your throat. “I was born into this life, remember? Being a mafia heir isn’t an easy task, Hoseok. Whether you were someone who was loved dearly by your parents or not, this business will always serve dangerous for anyone that lives in it. Only ten years ago did I finally find the courage to embrace it. After all, you can’t ever escape the shadows once you step foot into it. That fantasy I lived in only proved to me that living a false life of freedom isn’t something that’s meant for me.”

That fantasy.

The false life of freedom.

You mean to say the three years you spent with them, don’t you? He knows it well and remembers how happy you were in spite of the fear and danger that surrounded your life. You had let them take care of you, trusted their words to never make you fall, to always be there to love and protect you. You gave them your trust and they destroyed that.

The person that you are now doesn’t strive to seek for that happiness anymore. It’s almost as if you’ve truly come to understand all it is that exists in this world of greed, power, and imprisonment. He lived like that for a long, long time, until he found his sanctuary.

You did too but it was forcefully taken away from you unlike him who still has the honor to keep it for his life.

When he looks at you, a burning ache shoots at his heart because he knows he could have saved you. He could have prevented so many things if he knew. 

If only he knew.

The boys were too cowardly to let him in on the knowing while you grew afraid, forcing you to a point where you had to leave. You were afraid to destroy his relationship with them, afraid to hold him back. You left for yourself and you left for him.

“Don’t look like that.” Your voice brings him back from his daze and he looks up, blinking. 

“Huh?”

“You’re blaming yourself again,” you say, head turning back to look at the streets before you. “It’ll do you no good to always put yourself in the blame. On the bright side, I’m much stronger than I was then.” The dagger in your hand spins effortlessly without falter, a skill that probably took years to master. He notices you’re more comfortable with the blade. Was it the first thing you touched when you decided to train?

It makes sense. After all, during your years of living with them, you were always afraid of going near a gun, the incident with the two bodyguards that died before you always made you tremble in your wake. So the question lies in how long it took you to find the courage to hold a gun.

“Who trained you?” He asks and you pause in your flickering. He wonders why. But before he can even speak up on it, your head turns his way again, a light smile on your face.

“A great master whom I also choose to go up against once day.”

Hoseok’s brows furrow. “It wasn’t your father?”

“Ah, father tried for a good time but then decided to hand me off to someone else. Someone stronger than him.” Someone who could break you down much easier than him. You laugh a little at that. “When it’s time to take him down, it’ll definitely be a fight. I might even die.”

“How can you joke around like that?”

“It’s not a joke, it’s the truth.” You say that but you’re still laughing, as if going up against danger is all that you seek, as if your life means nothing to you.

“So you don’t care if you die?” He asks, not liking the sound of that.

“So as long as I live, I’ll keep going after the people that have wronged me in the course of my lifetime.”

He wonders if those people include Bangtan; the other six. Namjoon. But something tells him in their case, you won’t be going after them with the intent to kill. After all, so far the people that have wronged you have all done something unforgivable — not that what Namjoon and the others did to you isn’t unforgivable but deep down, Hoseok still believes you to be someone who still holds kindness in her heart.

“I won’t go after Namjoon,” you assure as if reading his contemplating thoughts. “That’ll be an easy way to die, after all. And you might even hate me for that.”

So you care if he hates you?

“So you’re willing to die by anyone else’s hands?”

“Of course not. I’m just saying, if I die, I die. Who cares by who and who cares how.”

“But what about your Reapers?”

“What about them?”

“They hold a strong sense of loyalty to you,” he states. “At the split call of their names, they’re right next to you, heeding at your every word. Whatever you say is law. Whatever you do, they follow with no question. You don’t see that just anywhere, Y/N, not even in Bangtan. So don’t you think it’d affect them quite a bit were you to carelessly die by a nobody?”

You fall silent to that, hand continuing to play with the dagger at hand. The light reflects from it ever so often, whiffing sounds leaving as you flick about, spinning it, throwing it, catching it.

“I’ve trained them to not care about those sort of things,” you say after a moment. “They all know to prepare themselves if I were to die. Mingyu will take up the throne and things will go about as if I never existed in the first place.”

You let out an exaggerated yawn after speaking those careless words, arms stretching out before you. “Anyways, if I don’t wake up in ten minutes, call Mingyu for me, yeah?”

With that, you rest your head against the cold, hard railing of the stairs, eyes quick to close.

As Hoseok sits there watching you, he can only think of how wrong you are.

.

.

.

“Sir Mingyu, um…”

“Hey, what did I tell you about calling me a sir? Say hyung. Hyung. You’re making me feel old here, little man.”

“You are old.”

He glares up at Dasom’s retort. “Don’t you have somewhere better to be?”

She brings her hands up in defeat. “Ah, you’re right. Anywhere without you is a much better place to be.”

“That Somi,” he mutters under his breath as she walks away casually, knowing not to put up a fight otherwise she will literally try to obliterate him. 

Learned that the hard way. 

“Anyways,” he turns to the little boy who had walked away from his friends to approach him, “what was it wanted to say, Sunoo?” 

Sunoo stands on his toes, eyes hesitant as he brings his hands forward, fiddling with them while his mouth opens and closes ever so often, as if what he wants to say is something he shouldn’t be saying but something he wants to say. 

Mingyu crouches down to his level, a gentle hand placed on his shoulder. “Come on now, it’s not like you to be so hesitant. You want to ask me something, don’t you?”

“I…”

“Boss always says in all the seconds that pass through hesitation, it could be spent in being killed. That’s why you must never hesitate, no matter what it is. The seconds are always ticking after all. Time never slows down for anyone.”

Hearing those words, Sunoo is quick to straighten up as his head picks up, eyes a bit more strong than they were when he had initially approached the older man. Mingyu chuckles silently to himself, knowing anything that has to do with you, anyone will listen well.

You have everyone wrapped around your fingers, whether you know it or not.

“I..I want to become a Reaper, Mingyu hyung!”

For the first time in his life, Sunoo watches as the amused and easygoing expression on Mingyu’s face washes over in a second, replaced by something much colder and much more intimidating.

He physically shivers in fear.

“Sunoo…” 

Sunoo’s back straightens even more upon the call of his name as he feels the hand on his shoulder tighten. An unexplainable fear washes over him and he feels pricks of needles pinning through all of his back, legs, and feet. 

He can’t move.

“Never utter such words again, you got that?” He stands from his spot and turns around, quick to dismiss the conversation before it can continue any further but Sunoo stops him, not understanding.

“Why?” He asks, a tug on Mingyu’s blazer. “I want to protect Lady Y/N and the only way I can do that is—”

“If you really want to protect her, you’re better off staying away from us.”

“What…?” He stares at the older man in confusion, dreams and hopes ready to shatter but Sunoo holds on, not wanting to go down without a fight. You’ve protected him from so much and now that he wants to pay you back, he can’t do it in the way he knows how to?

Mingyu lets out a sigh when the kid doesn’t let go and turns back around, his expression still firm and grave, different from the man everyone knows him to be. “It’s a good thing you came to me first, otherwise boss would have killed you herself if she ever heard you say such words.”

“But—”

“Until you learn how to manipulate your emotions and hide them well, until you understand what it means to restrain yourself, to stand by and be a good bystander, only until then will you ever be worthy enough to serve along Y/N’s side.”

“A good…bystander?” What is that supposed to mean?

A kid will never understand, Mingyu knows, because kids who care for someone will always stand against the unjust and recklessly put their lives and everyone else’s lives in danger just for that person. Whether it’s their mother, their father, a friend, a lover, whoever it may be, they will not hesitate to scream and shout, begging and pleading, standing in the way of the unjust, stepping up and defending that one person.

He will be killed in an instant if he doesn’t understand control, if he doesn’t understand his role, and it will break him in more than one way.

“When you learn how to play that role, and know how to play it well, only then will I deem you worthy enough to stay by boss’s side.”

“Yo idiot, boss fell asleep on the stairs.”

Upon hearing Dasom come back with a finger pointed towards the outside, Mingyu looks up, face returning to his usual easygoing expression as he takes a stand.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m going. Honestly, why can’t she ever sleep during appropriate times and at appropriate places?”

While Mingyu complains under his breath as he’s walking away, Sunoo remains standing still in the place Mingyu left him, eyes shaking with a waver, his heart aching when he realizes he’s just gotten rejected.

He’s not worthy enough to protect you, to even stay by your side. He’s not worthy enough.

And whatever Mingyu meant, if he never figures that out, if he never learns how to be a good bystander, he will never be worthy enough to ever even approach you.

“Hey kid.” He slowly turns at Dasom’s call, head still in the clouds, hurt by what Mingyu had told him. Dasom lets out a heavy sigh as she pats his head. “The idiot’s right. The only way you can protect boss now is by staying away. She’ll never let you serve her otherwise.”

💜💜💜

cry me a river | the thorns of a rose

— summary: loyalty means to have full allegiance and faithfulness owned by a duty, a pledge, or a promise. and the reapers’ loyalty lies much deeper than that

— pairing: bts x reader

— genre: angst, mafia!au

— word count: 5.6k

— warnings: mentions of breaking, emotional trauma, implied sexual harassment/abuse, implied forceful age-gap relationship (we're getting to more dark stuff here so please read at your own discretion, PLEASE)

— part 1 / part 2 / part 3 / part 4 / part 5 / part 6 / part 7 / part 8 / part 9 / part 10 / part 11

— masterpost

“They say she’s the actual Grim Reaper herself.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“She’s on a rampage, going around killing anyone who has done her wrong. She’s already taken out Gwon Daejung!”

“Grim reapers go around collecting souls, she’s out here trying to collect the heads of all her enemies!”

“Surely that’s an exaggeration.”

“That monster killed her own father to get the throne.”

“What if we’re next?”

Knock, knock, knock.

A click of the door opens and he stares in horror at the said Reaper who’s out to collect the heads of all her enemies. With a smirk plastered on her face, hands resting behind her, and a flicking shine from the scythe earrings she wears, he can feel the beat of his heart drumming hard against his chest.

“Hello there, Mr. Choi,” you greet with a sinister expression resting well on your face, “it seems death has just knocked on your door. Would you mind giving me the pleasure of taking your life?”

.

.

.

“Why did you call me, Namjoon? You do know that I’m a pretty busy woman, don’t you? I have heads to sever and hearts to stab out.”

“Seems you’ve become quite the bloodthirsty mobster.”

You shrug lightly at his comment, adjusting the black gloves in your hands that are tainted with blood. “Well, life is pretty cruel to women so there’s quite a lot of people whom I have to go after now that I have the power to do so.”

“This is why you killed your father off?” He asks, eyes narrowed at you who only seems to be paying attention to your gloves. “Now that I think about it, you say you’re out to kill all the people who have done you wrong. Was your father your first target in all of this?”

Your hands freeze in place and when you look up at him, those eyes of yours are as cold as a stone, showing no sign of weakness, no amount of emotions for him to try and see through your facade. He can’t read you.

“What are you talking about?” You feign a smile. “If my father never cared for me, would he have accepted me so easily when I returned home after divorcing you? Any sane mobster who’s thirsty for power would have never let that slide. Yet father welcomed me in very well with wide, open arms.”

“Fool,” you hear your father’s disdained voice in the back of your mind. 

“You’ve always been useless from the second you were born. For a moment I thought things were going well, finally made useful to me. But here you are, crawling right back and begging for forgiveness at the foot of your father. I told you to make yourself useful.”

No matter how foolish and stupid you were ten years ago, at least you understood what to do in order to keep the image of a happy family alive and well.

Divorcing Namjoon was one of the hardest decisions in your life but you were left with no other choice. Returning that ring, asking him for a divorce, even that moment of weakness where you asked them to give you a second chance, all of that was planned.

After all, divorcing Namjoon meant facing father’s wrath so you had to do it smartly, hence you asked him to sign a contract with you before you left, before the divorce was finalized. It was the only way you could get through to your father. He would be angry either way but at least then he didn’t have to worry about losing power.

Power was all father wanted after all, and you allowed him to keep that.

That contract saved you from potentially dying at your father’s very own hands.

“Open arms…”

You stare at Namjoon with a small, playful smirk, knowing he must be thinking back on his own father. “Envious?”

He sends you a glare and you look away with a shrug, amusement plastered on your face.

“Did all those silent vows of keeping each others’ secrets safe not matter after the divorce?”

“Of course it does!” You say at his suspicion on you. “You don’t really think I’m the type to go around spreading every traumatic story of you and the boys to the world just because we don’t care for each other anymore, do you?”

“I don’t know who you are anymore, Y/N.”

“Right,” you nod. “Let’s keep it that way, yeah? Anyways, what am I doing here again?”

Namjoon lets out a sigh and reaches from the back of his pants to hand you a simple envelope. You stare at it, blinking.

“If it’s a letter of some sort, you could have simply sent it through the mail, old man.”

“I figured you’d rather keep the envelope as is rather than having words painted on them.”

“Why’s that?”

“It’s Jungwon’s.” You freeze and he takes a moment to look at the envelope before beckoning for you to take it once more. “One of the letters was meant for you.”

A letter was written for you? What for?

If Mister Butler had anything to say to you, why didn’t he just speak them to you when he had the chance? Perhaps it’s something secretive that he couldn’t say aloud?

No, can’t be. All his letters were basically his diaries but, why would one of them be addressed to you?

You pull the gloves off your hands, not wanting anything to taint the envelope before taking it from Namjoon. “Did you read it?” You ask and he shakes his head.

“Those are your initials, yes?”

They are.

“The content of the letters addressed to you,” you look back at him, wondering, “what were they about?”

“His daily life. A diary, as you said.”

“He never mentioned anything about what he was doing at the Reaper’s manor in the first place?”

Namjoon shakes his head, a sigh leaving his lips. “Nothing of that sort. Unfortunately, it doesn’t help much with my investigation.”

“Surely your father had some answers.”

“Anything that has to do with my father has already been searched and burned away. None of them ever mentioned anything about my brother. It’s almost as if it disappeared along with him, as if my father knew.”

Did his father get word of Mister Butler’s death? He must have, hence all evidence about what he had done were all destroyed for Namjoon to never find out.

“When did my brother disappear?”

“The eighth of January,” you tell him. “I was nine.” You were hurt that night, severely injured. You don’t remember exactly the events that went by, just the fact that the next thing you knew, you were standing in front of the man you loved so much, staring into his unblinking eyes. “He never said goodbye and after that night, I never saw him again.”

“Something must have happened.”

Yeah, your father killed him and blamed it all on poor little you.

“Well, I have to go now,” you say as you turn around and begin to walk off, “as I said, I’m a pretty busy woman.”

“Y/N if you know anything—”

“I got into an accident that night, Namjoon, so I don’t recall much of what happened.”

“Then those workers—”

“Are dead,” you say. “I killed them all.”

You hear him let out a frustrated sigh. “Honestly, you’re too impulsive. If one of them were still alive, they’d know what happened and have better intel than what we have now.”

“Well,” you shrug, “even if one of them were still alive, those workers didn’t really pay much attention to Mister Butler. To them, he was just another one of them, and if someone disappears out of nowhere, they’d only think what they know.”

Any sane worker would think they’d died at the hands of the leaders of the mafia they’re working in.

In Jungwon’s case, it was exactly that. No exception.

“See ya.”

With that, you walk off without looking back again, the letter tightly grasped in your hand.

.

.

.

You stand alone in the garden of the greenhouse, eyes staring blankly at the red roses right before you. With a white suit on, your overcoat drapes on your shoulder as you cross your arms against your chest, the gloves gone as blood still stains your clothing from your previous endeavor.

You don’t care to clean up just yet.

The rose bushes intrigues you as you stare at them, a reminder of someone you used to know.

“The roses remind me of you, Y/N.”

“...Why is that, sir?”

He lets out an exasperated sigh at the title you call him by, but falls understanding that no matter how much he asks of you, you’d never call him by name. “Is this your way of telling me you don’t wish for a close relationship, my dear?” He asks, a small pout glanced your way. “Despite the fact that we were almost engaged?”

You don’t answer his question, giving him anything but a blank stare. It’s all he’ll ever see from you, all you will ever show him. He will never witness your anger, your sadness, your happiness, or any emotions out of you.

Relationships do not matter to you, after all, he’s just another pawn for your father.

“Why do the roses remind you of me, sir?” You speak as if reading off a script; emotionless, robotic.

His brows furrow slightly but he’s used to this. “You’re pretty and you look innocent and sweet and precious, but anytime anyone tries to get any close to you,” he holds his hand out to caress your cheek, stroking it tenderly with his thumb as he flashes you a small smile, “you will put up a guard and have your thorns protect you. They are your walls, aren’t they?”

“I haven’t hurt you in the slightest, sir.”

He chuckles. “But you resent me, don’t you?”

“I do not hold any feelings towards you.”

“...Right.” He looks down at your figure, the way you sit on the bed obediently, and will not move unless instructed otherwise. You dress in a silky nightgown, one of the straps fallen from your shoulder, and he takes his hand from your face to trace over one of the visible scars held against your skin. You say nothing, you do nothing, and despite his gentle touches, you feel nothing.

He watches you as if trying to monitor your reactions, and when you give him nothing to see, he trails down to your hand and gently takes hold of it.

“You may not hold any feelings towards me but…” he traces the purple ring around your wrist, “you resent my father, do you not?” You say nothing so he goes on. “I may not know you as well as I hope to, Y/N, but even I understand that a lady would never want a man she doesn’t desire to touch her whether in a precious hold or not. You come here, walk into a man’s room whether you like to or not, just like an obedient puppet, and do nothing to go against your father’s words. So whether it’s me touching you or my father…you will not speak up against it.”

So he knew of his father’s doings, yet the closer you watch him, you realize that he’d only learned of that fact recently. Your potential fiance, despite the whole ordeal being to his benefit, has never once taken advantage of you. He holds onto his morals, a man of principles, and when he finds the truth of your relationship with your father, he expresses opposition.

But the two of you are one and the same, living a similar life.

He cannot go against his father, just as you cannot go against yours.

You’re both far too weak against the men of the house.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asks, almost a whisper, and you see the way he tries to hold onto his anger for you, the way his hand trembles slightly as he does his best not to hold onto your hand too tight. As if afraid he’d hurt you.

He reminds you of someone, but you don’t wish to remember so you look away, not wanting to see that little spark in his eyes.

“I had no reason to.”

When you say that, he looks back up at you, a flash of hurt and disbelief in his eyes. “No reason?” He scoffs. “You have purple bruises on your wrist and you’re saying you had no reason to tell me these things? My father did this to you, Y/N, and I can only imagine what other horrible things he’s done to you.”

“It doesn’t matter.” You look off to the side, taking your hand from his hold to look out at the window where a bird perches on the tree just outside. “In the end, we can do nothing.”

He hates how right you are, and hates the way you seem to shiver slightly from the cold, goosebumps forming along your skin, yet you say nothing against your pain. You do not care for your well-being, and you guess by now he’s probably realized you’re already broken.

A broken doll for your father to use at his disposal.

You hear him let out a grunt of anger yet when he slips your strap back onto your shoulder and holds the blanket over you, his actions are as gentle towards you as ever.

“When you decide to let your thorns be known to the world, I hope you can come after my father and kill him yourself.” He stands from the bed, going for the door but not before looking back at you for one last thing. “I will wait for you until then.”

How long has it been since you heard those words fall from his lips? It was the last conversation you had with the man, before he went away and did all that he could to drive the relationship between your gang and his to fall apart.

You’re not sure how he did it, but he somehow made it possible for the two of you to never see each other again, and in doing so, saved you from having to see his father ever again.

He was different from Ying, because while Ying always watched you get belittled and hurt and went to console you afterwards, the second he found out the truth, he did all that he could to at least save you from one less burden to carry.

He could do nothing about your father, but he took his father away for your sake.

The roses remind you of him, yet despite the little moments of good memories you have with him, they will always be overshadowed by all the things his father has done to you.

And the longer you stare at the roses, the more you wish to cast the memories away, the more you wish to never remember his face, his voice, and the way he held you.

You feel disgusted.

Perhaps if I touch them…maybe the pain will take over the pain of having to remember him.

You hold your hand out as if in a daze, a chant repeating in your head to try and convince you that marking yourself with physical pain will give you a chance in forgetting the past pains.

Hurt me hurt me hurt me. Let me forget.

You feel your teeth clenching, brows knitted, and just as your hand is about to grab a handful of the rose bush filled with thorns, someone grabs ahold of your hand with a force, stopping you mid-way.

“Please don’t touch the roses, all the plants here are important for the antidotes and poisons we work so hard to create.” It’s Han, one of the young researchers working alongside Yeonjun. He watches over the greenhouse, keeping the plants well-fed and healthy, always holed up in here to help aid the young genius hacker in his researches.

You know just how important each and every plant here are, yet it doesn’t stop you from the hypnotized state you’re in.

You ignore his touch and warning, further hoping to grab a fist full of thorns.

“Boss, please.” Han’s voice fades into the distance as you see nothing but the thorns before you. “Boss-”

“Y/N.”

Someone rips your attention from the flowers, hands held onto both your shoulders, forcing your body to turn their way, and that’s when you seem to come back to your senses.

“..Mingyu.”

“Have tea ready,” your second in command orders to Han, who in turn nods and walks off, knowing Mingyu always knows what to do.

“I’m fine.” You push him off you to turn from the flowers, a bit weak in your legs, and when he sees that, Mingyu reaches out to help you keep steady.

“I guess we have our next target, huh?” One look at you and the flowers and he understands in an instant. “Yuna will be happy.”

“Yuna’s happy with everyone we face.”

“Well,” he shrugs, “can’t really blame her.”

“Forget it,” you begin to walk off without his help, towards the bench just under the wisterias to take your seat. “I don’t want to face them just yet.”

Mingyu watches you with an observing gaze, and when Han returns with the tea, he lets out a sigh when you sip the drink to help you calm your nerves. The more people you go after, the more drained you become, and the more hysterical your state grows. He can’t blame you, after all, these are the people who have done you so wrong in the past, leaving you with scars both physically and mentally.

“Alright,” he says upon your orders when you give him the cup after a good couple of gulps, body laid over to rest your head against the pillow that’s already there for you when you wish to take your afternoon breaks. When your eyes start to droop, he takes a step to the right to block the glaring sun filtering into the greenhouse.

And Mingyu stays there watching after you like a personal knight whose only job is to watch over and protect the princess.

He hates every second of seeing you suffer all alone.

.

.

.

“The longer you keep this up, the harder it’ll be on your body.” When you look up at him from your cup of tea, Namjoon goes on. “Going after the people that’s pissed you off isn’t an easy job. Not only are many of the people that belong to the shadows tough but they do crazy things to one’s mind as well. You’re a victim to the shadows both physically and mentally.”

“Get to the point, Namjoon.”

“You need to slow down, take a break,” he says, “before you break.”

Break.

Hah. What a strange word.

“You needn’t worry about that, I’m already a broken doll.” It’s such a simple sentence that leaves your lips, as if you were speaking about the weather. You show no amount of emotion, eyes as dead as they were the first time he saw you again after ten whole years.

But even then, your ex-lover can see how drained you are by all of these endeavors. You’re stubborn, refusing to admit to the truth, but he knows just how tired you must be both physically and mentally. What if one day you go too far and there’s no one to save you from the drowning?

“I’m serious,” he states against your protest. Namjoon may not understand what happened through the ten years of your disappearance, the extent to which you were hurting, but even he knows just how much it has affected you.

After all, no sweet person can ever turn dark and emotionless without reason.

“I want to get rid of them as soon as possible.” You look up at him from the hood of your lids, taking a sip of the tea that’s been served for you. You were never really one who desired coffee, and ever since Yeonjun joined the gang, all that’s ever helped to calm your nerves were his tea. “You understand how that feels, don’t you?”

Namjoon doesn’t say anything but you can see the answer in his hesitation.

“So whether you want to stop me or not, I’m not going to rest until they’re all dead. I can’t.” Because your body refuses to let you. Each time you rest your eyes, nightmares will plague your thoughts, and unless your Reapers are there to help you through the episodes, you can never calm from the fear.

Everything scares you the more people you face, the world closing in, the walls suffocating you. Every second you face them, it feels as if your lungs are weighed by a heavy boulder, refusing to let you breathe. But you’d rather face these disgusting, vile creatures, than to know that they still live, walking the Earth as if all the things they’ve done to you is something that should not be considered a crime, as if they had simply crushed a bug with their foot.

You hurt from their pains while they hold their heads up, laughing in their own freedom.

You want your own freedom.

You need it, you crave it.

And you can never achieve it unless they’re gone from the torture they do to your head.

“Fine.” Namjoon knows he can’t stop you, so he relents. “Who’s your next target then?”

A man you’ve been avoiding.

You put the teacup down, resting against the chair, and cross a leg over the other. “I’ll need your help again, if you’re up for it.”

“And this is?”

“Ever heard of the Black Rose?”

He thinks over the question, a slight purse of his lips. “Isn’t that the gang that left for London? They were faring well here so no one knows why they left when the streets of London is much harder to gain control of.”

“They left because of me.”

He looks at you, blinking. “What?”

“The son, Hwang Hyunjin and I had somewhat of a relationship,” you explain. “I wouldn’t say we were close nor would I say we were friends but he supported me as a friend would. He cared for me.”

Namjoon’s brows knit in just the slightest way. “If he cared for you, why would he leave Korea?”

“He cared for me, that’s why he left.”

Hyunjin was the only decent human being that did the things he did in a respectable and accurate manner among all the mafiosos you’ve met. Even though you could never escape the abuse and pain, he still did you a favor by getting rid of someone who would have traumatized you even more than the man already had.

“So then, if it isn’t Hyunjin you’re after, who is it?”

“Who else but his father?”

“You’re walking into dangerous territory, Y/N.”

“Isn’t everything we do dangerous?” You flick your hair to lay behind your back, not wanting to back down. “He has more power in London than you but that doesn’t mean you aren’t influential there either. That’s why I need you on this mission. Hyunjin will be on my side, as well as you. I’ll need both of you to take Mr. Hwang down.”

“How are you so sure Hyunjin will be on your side? This is his father we’re talking about.”

“And you understand just how broken that relationship can be in this world.” Because his own father was never one to care for him. “It may be different from yours, Hyunjin and his father trust each other, but at the end of the day, he left Korea all for me.”

He left Korea for you.

Namjoon wonders what sort of relationship the two of you had, and the reason why the Black Rose left for you.

When he stares at you from across the table, he sees the determination in your eyes, as well as the trust you hold for a man he does not personally know. So you do know how to trust people outside your gang after all.

“Fine.” There’s no reason to refuse you. At the end of the day, he still needs intel on his brother.

With a satisfied smile resting on your face, you stand from your seat. “Great. I’ll see you in London next week.”

.

.

.

“You’re planning to what?” Mingyu is quick to look at you with alarm, his expression screaming protest. “Live out the fantasy he so wanted long ago?” He repeats your words with a disbelief scoff. “I’m not letting you do that.”

“You have no right to protest.”

“I’m your underboss, I have every right to protest.”

“Please my lady, can’t you think of something else?” Yuna speaks up, her lips forming into a tight frown when she looks your way.

“This is the only way to take down Hwang Leehyun and you know it,” you say against their dismay, standing firm in on your decision no matter what they say. “That man thrives off control and if I can manipulate him into thinking he can take me, we’ll have our score settled and I’ll have taken another man down. He has no reason to suspect me.”

“And if it breaks you?”

You laugh sarcastically at Mingyu’s words, a dark chuckle leaving your lips. “How do you break again after you’ve already broken? But then again, perhaps you’re right. A broken glass can never mend itself to the way it used to be, the only thing it can do is break even more.”

“Boss—”

“But I don’t care for that,” you cut him off, the only emotions detected in your eyes are filled with rage and anger. “This is the path I’ve chosen for myself, so whether you like it or not, I will never stop until every last one of them are dead. You have chosen to follow me, do so in silence.” 

With that, you turn your back on your Reapers and they know that no matter how against they are with your plans, once your mind is made up, you will never go back on your words.

“And if something goes wrong when I’m with him, I expect you to do nothing.”

You leave them with no room to protest and they can do nothing but watch you from where they stand, a heavy silence hung in the air because they know more than anyone that stopping you is something that can never be done. You live to seek revenge and you will stop at nothing.

Even if that means meeting death on its way.

Even if it will break you even more.

“Boss?” You don’t hear his call even when he runs up to stand before you, an alarming concern marking his features. All you do is stand there, as still as a corpse, with your head lowered and your eyes staring blankly at nothing before you. 

Mingyu sees the state you’re in; dressed in a white silky dress, spaghetti straps hanging off your shoulders, disheveled hair, with possessive markings splattered around your skin.

He can feel his hands trembling into a fist as he holds himself back, knowing that whatever he does, he can never let his anger get the best of him. So he settles with trying to reach out for you. You don’t see him, you feel numb and dull, like a living corpse, but when his hand holds out to touch you,

You flinch.

And Mingyu freezes.

His hand hovers in the air, frozen in time, and no matter what anyone tells him, he wants to storm out here right now and land his fist on the very man that did this to you, no matter the consequences.

But he has to consider the consequences because if he tries to do anything to go up against the people that have done you wrong, you will face the consequences and he knows more than anyone that that must never happen.

He wants to protect you yet why is this the only way he can save you?

Why can’t he do more?

Mingyu balls his hand in the air and settles it back to his side, turning to the Reapers that have come along as he clenches his jaws, keeping his emotions at bay.

“Yuna, Dasom. Get her a blanket, clean her up, and take care of her. Make sure she eats well.”

He only addresses the girls and they know. They know why.

Because normally you would never flinch in the presence of Mingyu. Never.

“Yes, Mingyu.”

“Yes, Mingyu.”

Yuna hurries to grab a soft blanket and drape it over your shoulders, hiding your revealing skin, and the two of them lead you away from the small little group. You follow willingly without protest, as if you can’t even speak, as if your only purpose in this world is to obey and survive.

Right now you cannot make a decision for yourself, right now you’re numb, you’ve locked yourself out from the world, eyes nothing but dull, empty sockets. Right now you are lost.

Lost in your broken, empty mind.

This is your body’s way of protecting yourself.

Yuna turns to Mingyu, her hand held against his shirt to grab his attention, and a tremor falls in her hand as her grip holds tight.

“I want to save her,” she whispers, a voice barely audible but they hear her. It is a wish they all hold dearly in their hearts. “She…she can’t face him again, Mingyu, not in the same way. Or else…or else…”

“She gave us her command, we can’t go against that,” the second in command states, his emotions held back despite it all. “But there are some people who aren’t obligated to go against her.”

“You don’t mean..”

“They’re the only ones we can rely on to bring Y/N back,” he says despite Dasom’s disapproving glare. “At least we can trust in Jung Hoseok, if anyone.”

.

.

.

“I ask that you protect her well.”

Namjoon sits in his chair, a silent stare at the man who bows before him, and when he looks over at Hoseok, the older man just spares him a silent glance, unsure of what was going on as well.

“You don’t think those are the obligations between two allies, do you?”

“I’m serious,” Mingyu says, his words firm and heavy without an ounce of jest in them. “This mission may as well be one of the most difficult ones my boss will have to face, yet I am not allowed to interfere with her plans.”

“And why is that?” Seokjin asks.

“Because she knows that if I were to be there with her, I may as well stop her and in short, ruin the plan of revenge. Whatever you do, do not stop her, however…” he holds his jaw in, fingers held in a tight fist behind him, “save her…if it so gets to that point.”

The man before them is a man who’s been through a lot, who watched over you and cared for you, a man who truly hopes for nothing but the best out of you. He frets over your safety, concern clearly marked on his face, yet as your subordinate, he is obligated to heed your every order.

“If you’re that worried about her, why don’t you try harder to have her revise her plan? Or better yet, persuade her to leave this be?” Namjoon asks, genuinely curious about his strange resolve.

“Because this is the only way I can save her,” Mingyu says, his expression a sharp, piercing seriousness. “She may be impulsive at times, maybe even bloodthirsty and cruel in her ways of only seeking revenge towards the people that have wronged her, but Y/N’s ambition lies in wanting to seek peace. You and I will never understand her heart but she holds her resolves and she holds her morals and I have every intention of giving everything I can to see her ambition come to pass. I believe that is why I follow her. She has saved me so I will do all that I can to save her. And if saving her means stepping back and having you take care of things for the moment…I hold no protest.”

So that’s how it is.

Both Mingyu and the rest of the Reapers refuse to stand in the way of your dreams. They have sworn themselves to you, from whatever point you’ve met and managed to steal their hearts and souls.

You have a way with people. Even back then when you held no ambitions in killing people, the authority you held had never dissipated. There’s something about you that people can never forget, no matter who they are, and you will always leave an impression in the end.

The Reapers now, your Reapers, are different from any other followers they have ever seen before. They heed your every word, holding them as if they were laws of the world, never to go against you, coming to you the instant you call their names. Loyalty means to have full allegiance and faithfulness owned by a duty, a pledge, or a promise. And the Reapers’ loyalty lies much deeper than that. This isn’t just simple loyalty, this is something much deeper than they can ever imagine. 

You saved him, Mingyu stated, which meant you saved the rest of them as well, and in turn, they’ve vowed their lives to you.

“So as someone who cares deeply for Y/N and as people who once held her at the center of the world,” he looks at them with a pointed stare, eyes refusing to look away or even blink, “don’t you think you should at least give her what she deserves?”

What a loyal companion you have.

💜💜💜

cry me a river | the black rose

— summary: he loved you once, so hard, but taehyung has no right to begin caring for you now

— pairing: bts x reader

— genre: angst, mafia!au

— word count: 7.5k

— warnings: implied sexual harassment/abuse, implied forceful age-gap relationship, mentions of predatory actions/character

— PART 12 / previous part / masterpost

Taehyung watches you with a silent gaze as you stand by yourself, eyes closed against the softness of the night breeze as it flows past you in a neat manner, allowing your hair to fly freely. You sparkle well despite how the darkness of the night, but he guesses he has the street light of the London streets to thank for.

You don’t say anything nor do you do anything to make a move despite the clock ticking at every second. It passes and passes while you stand there, no words leaving your lips.

You’re calm. Too calm.

And something tells him soon enough, it won’t be like this for some time. Perhaps that’s why you’re taking in the calm, the silence, and the peace, before you have to walk into a battlefield.

The calm before the storm, they say.

And although he hasn’t the slightest clue as to what could go on when you make your move, a part of him carries the fear your second in command had when he approached them, asking for them to protect you well now more than ever.

The fear of the unknown.

You’re too calm.

“There is a chance he may invite me to stay at his place,” you speak into the silence, eyelids fluttering open as you turn your head to look back at him from over your shoulder. The golden lights of the lampposts highlight your features well and Taehyung’s brows furrow slightly upon your words. “I won’t deny his invitation for that matter.”

“What?” He blinks, confused. He licks his lips, wondering what’s going on in that head of yours. “I thought your plan was to get him on his feet, make him think he’s got you in the palm of his hands.”

“Exactly,” you say. “Mr. Leehyun like pretty girls that don’t go against him. As long as I comply with him, he won’t think anything’s up and I’ll be able to make my move. Shall we go?”

You begin to walk forward but Taehyung hesitates.

“Wait, Y/N,” he stops you, expression falling into a conflicted concern. “I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Don’t stop me,” you tell him straight and clear. “Otherwise you aren’t allowed to follow me.”

Mingyu said to never leave you out of sight, to never leave you alone with Leehyun, and Namjoon allowed his words to take precedent in this situation. He doesn’t know the situation, none of them do besides Mingyu and the rest of the Reapers, but even they can tell this mission may take a wrong turn somewhere down the line.

You told Hoseok you were prepared for your death, that you didn’t care to stop so as long as you got to your enemies. Even if you had to die for your revenge, you weren’t going to ever stop until every last one of them was buried underground.

Just how much have these people done to you to make you break like this?

“Come on, Taehyung. If you keep looking at me like that, I’m going to mistake that look as you worrying for me.” You hold out your hand for him to take and although he does so with hesitation, Taehyung falls in order with you, knowing there’s no other choice.

When you walk into the grand room in an unfamiliar environment, the way you hold your head up without the slightest hint of hesitation or fear in your eyes, each step bold and long, it’s almost as if you belong right here in this light.

Nothing about you screams out of place and Taehyung guesses you’ve come to blend in well into the crowd without completely becoming invisible or taking everyone’s attention. Just the right amount that lets the people here know you are a mafia’s daughter who can hold her ground.

He doesn’t like being out in public nor does he like the attention but he guesses if he’s with you, it’s only inevitable.

You’re beautiful after all, no one can deny that.

“There’s our target,” you say in a soft murmur, eyeing a familiar-looking man who now holds a bit of grey hair after years of absence.

You falter for a moment, frozen in spot, and before Taehyung can ask about anything, you’re back to your bold and cold demeanor, eyes vanished of emotions as you lead him along to walk towards the man you have always dreaded to face. It’s as if that small moment of hesitation had never occurred.

Hyunjin isn’t anywhere to be seen.

“Mr. Hwang,” you call out in a silky tone, leaving the hand of your ex-lover to flash a small little smile towards the older man.

He, who had been talking to two other women, turns at your call, his eyes bulging slightly at the sight of you.

That gaze of his always made you feel things.

“I hope you haven’t forgotten about me.” He turns from the ladies upon your words, a familiar flash glinting in his eyes as he meets your approach halfway. Taehyung follows you just behind, eyeing the whole exchange as Hwang Leehyun takes ahold of your hand and greets you with a kiss on the back.

“How could I ever forget a beauty like you?”

Taehyung frowns at his mannerism, already feeling uncomfortable.

“Father gave me a small little vacation so I decided to come to London. I’m glad to have met you in this little moment.” You lie so easily through your teeth, feigning innocence and sweetness, your smile kind and gentle but behind it all, Taehyung knows you must dislike all of this.

“It’s unfortunate our relationship had to cut off too soon but I’m happy to hear you still think of me.”

You grin his way, pushing past its strain. “You’re hard to forget, Mr. Hwang.”

That isn’t a lie.

“You are too.”

You look down at the way he strokes the back of your hand with his thumb with no signs of letting go anytime soon. In moments like this, you wish Mingyu was here to rescue you, to give you space, a bit of a breather. You have to fight hard to restrain yourself and not kill everyone on the spot because right now there is nothing else you want to do.

Just to forget. Just to get rid of it all.

But you know that if you were to lose control now, you’d lose. You can’t lose to Hwang Leehyun again.

Not again.

“You seem more easygoing, my dear.” You don’t flinch away when Leehyun reaches out to tuck a few strands of hair behind your ear, caressing you as if you were some sort of lover to him. “You smile more easily. You’ve grown more pretty. You’ve always been pretty but…something about you is different.”

“Does it please you?”

He laughs. “It certainly does.”

Right.

Unsure of the way things are going, Taehyung clears his throat albeit awkwardly but it catches the attention of Leehyun, who takes his hand from your face, allowing you to breathe a little better. You take a step back towards Taehyung, somewhat bitter yet thankful at the same time.

“This is father’s assistant acting as my bodyguard, Mr. Hwang,” you introduce with a lie. It’s a good thing Taehyung doesn’t go out often for his face to get recognized, unlike the other boys, hence you allowed him to follow you during this mission. It was probably the reason why they chose him in the first place. Namjoon always knows what to do in dire situations. “Unfortunately the more powerful father gets, the more enemy he has, hence he has to come along with me.”

Introducing Taehyung as your father’s assistant helps to give you more leeway, because in that sense, Leehyun won’t see Taehyung as an obstacle and won’t fall suspicious in the way he follows your steps. He’ll just think Taehyung’s here to keep an eye out for you in your father’s place and not someone who’s on your side and will interfere with his time with you.

“Your father is quite generous. His love for his daughter is immeasurable,” he acknowledges Taehyung for a split moment before turning to you once again. “If I had a daughter like you, I would spoil you to no end. It’s unfortunate the engagement with Hyunjin didn’t work out.”

You leave him with that; wanting more. So with a nod, you entangle your hand along Taehyung’s arm, a bidding goodbye on the tip of your tongue.

“I would love to talk more, but my friend here will be snitching to my father if I stayed up too late. If you will excuse—”

“How about staying at my place?” His suggestion isn’t unexpected, in fact, you knew it was coming. Still, you feign a small little blink of innocence. “I’m sure if you were with someone reliable, your father wouldn’t be able to complain.”

He holds his hand out for you and you can tell with the way the corner of his smile twitches a little and the small little glance made Taehyung’s way, that he holds some sort of feeling towards the way you hold onto your father’s so-called assistant.

You’d rather stay with your ex-lover but in such a situation, you decide to let your hand fall into the palm of Leehyun’s hand.

“Then, please take care of me, Mr. Hwang.”

The way he squeezes your hand and the way his eyes flashed with a bit of sinister makes you sick to the stomach.

.

.

.

“What were you doing with a man like him?”

You look at Taehyung through the mirror of the vanity before you as you sit on the cushioned seat, a hairbrush flowing through your hair under the dim light of the room.

He doesn’t understand and perhaps he never will, but it doesn’t matter to you either way. All he has to do is stand still, pretend to be your bodyguard, and follow your lead without doing anything to stop you. That’s all he has to do.

But something concerns you with the way his brows crease a bit deeper than how they usually are, the way his nose flares up, the way he rests his hand on his hips, pacing back and forth as if he cannot fathom what reason you could possibly have to stick around with a man like Hwang Leehyun.

What were you doing with a man like him, he asks?

“Surviving,” you answer simply, leaving it with just that.

He can interpret it in any way he wants, you don’t care either way. And because you decide not to say anything any further, it frustrates him even more.

So you let out a sigh and turn from the mirror, putting the brush down against the desk. “It will do you well to calm down and get some rest. Stop pacing back and forth, you’re going to tire yourself out and—”

“Y/N, I know you.” You frown at his words. “You’re someone who won’t cry out or complain or give the whole truth to something because you hate looking weak in front of others and I don’t know whether you’re scared or too prideful but the situation here clearly indicates that—”

“Taehyung.” You cut him off with a simple call of his name, tone falling a little more low and dangerous than how it was mere seconds ago. He stops speaking, standing still in place as if it were Namjoon speaking to him. You fling a leg over the other, eyeing him down. “It’s been several years since we’ve parted,” you remind him, “do you realize how much a person can change in ten years? You may think you know the girl I was then, and perhaps you do, but I’m not who I was anymore. I’ve changed, and who knows, I may even be just as sick, if not more, than the man who escorted me right into this very bedroom.”

You stand from the chair to walk on over to the bed without another word, leaving him lost in his thoughts as you give him not another spare glance.

.

.

.

“Y/N…..?”

Hyunjin stares at you with small, widened eyes, his mouth left slightly agape, frozen in place after he walked in through the entrance to his manor. Of all the people he expected to see walking back to his house, he never sought out to find you; a woman who was almost his to claim but decided to give up on when he knew you could never love him all the same.

You had no room for him in your life and he accepted that, freeing you from one of the chains holding you down for you to reach your potential. His sincerity to you was in the form of leaving; saving you from his father.

And now here you are, years later, standing before him with a small smile plastered on your face, the glint in your eyes different from what he knew previously.

You’re different from who he saw years ago, an aura overbearingly strong as you stand beside his father without the slightest hint of flinch.

And he realizes your purpose in being here.

“Hyunjin,” his father calls to him, an easygoing lighthearted expression on his face, unaware of what meets him on the other side. Nevertheless, Hyunjin remains stoic as he continues his walk as if that moment of hesitation had never happened in the first place. “You remember Y/N, don’t you?”

“Who can ever forget Miss Y/N?”

“That’s right,” Leehyun chuckles and he catches the way his father places a hand around your waist, pulling you in close as if you were a lover he was introducing to his son.

What a sick bastard, especially knowing you were almost his son’s fiance.

“She’s on vacation,” he says as he looks down at you with a smile. You return one of your own and the blind father doesn’t suspect anything behind that glint. Hyunjin is disgusted at the sight he sees before him.

“..Is she?” He holds a hand out for you, eyes boring into yours with a piercing gaze when you glance back at him, a small secret stare exchanged for you to notice. He takes you from his father, allowing you to stand by his side instead and to Taehyung, it almost looks as if these are two men of equal standing fighting over the same woman. “What a pleasant surprise.” Hyunjin lets go of your hand but keeps you beside him nonetheless.

You notice his kindness. “It’s nice to see you again, sir.”

Leehyun looks at his watch impatiently upon your exchange with his son, keeping his cool. “Unfortunately I’ve got a busy schedule. Since you kids were almost betrothed to one another, why don’t you show her around town, Hyunjin? You did get along fine years ago.”

“Of course, father,” Hyunjin nods at the command, and before his father could try and personally bid you goodbye, he turns to you with a tight smile, blocking his father’s path as he holds out his hand for you again. “Why don’t we go now? I know a few good breakfast spots.”

You take his hand, nodding. “I should get ready first.”

“Of course.”

While ignoring Leehyun, Hyunjin leads you away from the entrance, not sparing his father another chance to speak to you again as he keeps his focus on you. It is until his father leaves does he let go of your hand, the formal smile dropping from his face.

You watch him as he takes a step away from you, cautious of your personal space as he takes a moment to bring his gaze down your body. Anyone else would think he’s checking you out but you know better than that. You hold out your hands before him, showing off your naked wrists at the furrowed brows and anxious twitch of his lips.

“He didn’t try anything on you?” Is the first thing he asks.

“I have a friend with me who refuses to leave my side,” you reply lightly, beckoning towards the other man in the room.

Hyunjin looks over to find Taehyung, who in turn narrows his gaze slightly with suspicion, and the two of them start off into a staring contest, both keeping up their guards against one another.

Taehyung’s face isn’t someone familiar to Hyunjin’s eyes, and he knows because throughout his times with you, the man had come to recognize your close aids, especially Mingyu and Yuna. You’re not one who will carelessly allow people by your side openly to anyone, which probably means that to some extent; you trust this man but he isn’t a part of your gang.

To Taehyung, Hyunjin’s probably another guy like Leehyun, but with the way he regarded you before his father and the way he keeps his space from you with caution, he guesses Hyunjin isn’t entirely a bad guy. Well, Namjoon did mention you said he had left Korea all for you so he can probably trust this man to an extent.

“Though his touches are indeed uncomfortable.”

Upon your voice, the two boys look away from one another, forgetting about their little silent disputing moment to draw their attention back to you, who places a hand on your waist, your lip taking a downturn with a disgusted frown resting on your face.

“There isn’t much to be done about that, however. I knew what I was getting into.”

Hyunjin has an expression of guilt though you’re unsure as to why. Perhaps he feels responsible in some ways though you’ll never blame him for what his father has done. Just because one may be blood-related to someone doesn’t mean they are one and the same.

Fathers are terrible human beings.

“I’m glad you can express yourself a little more now,” you hear him say, causing you to give a slight tilt of your head his way. Hyunjin chuckles as if recalling some memories, and with a small cautious glance Taehyung’s way, he continues with a fond smile your way. “You used to allow anything and everything happen to you without complaints.” Taehyung stands there, listening silently with furrowed brows. “You were almost lifeless then.”

You don’t flinch away from his touch when he reaches out to gently brush away a few stray hairs from your face. He gives you an expression that speaks “yet you’re still hurting, aren’t you?” and you don’t reply, eyes falling to the floor at the memories.

Taehyung’s here so you can’t let him know that the reason you’re able to express yourself a little more is because your father’s dead. Now that he’s gone, you have freed yourself just a bit, and although life hasn’t completely gotten better, in some ways your shoulders are less heavier than they were before.

“Is—”

You give him a look, eyes staring down at him to not say anything any further, and you guess he can take the hint that although you trust Taehyung, there’s only so little he knows.

Taehyung stands a bit envious at how well Hyunjin can read you, as well as the secrets he knows that Taehyung will probably never come to know. You share a past with one another, and although Hyunjin implied you didn’t keep a close relationship with the man, the fact that you can be like this with him now tells him everything.

In the three years he spent with you, it almost seems as if those years never existed, because the person he sees now and the person he saw then make him realize that in the end, they never did know you, did they?

You have your secrets, they all did, but unlike them who had gradually let their walls down and allowed you to see their vulnerable selves, you kept the walls up; steady and thick.

On days you’d cry, show your weakness, lean on them when you’d need it most, but as he watches the exchange between you and Hyunjin, Taehyung can only see that no matter how much you loved them then, there was always a part of you who kept yourself a secret from them.

You don’t love Hyunjin, he knows you don’t, but Hyunjin knows a part of you that he will never come to know, and for that, a part of him feels a small ache in his heart.

“Would you still like to look around London?” Hyunjin asks you as he takes a small glance around the house. “I’m sure this environment doesn’t make you any less comfortable.”

You send him a small nod before excusing yourself upstairs to dress up in a better attire for the weather and Taehyung follows behind without a word.

.

.

.

“My father is dead.”

Hyunjin nods as the two of you walk side by side, Taehyung walking along somewhere else where he’s out of earshot but still allowed to keep an eye on you.

“I assumed so,” Hyunjin says without an ounce of surprise in his tone. “That’s why you look a little more free than you did then.” You don’t say anything to that but he continues anyway, used to your silence. “So you finally took the bullet to his head, huh? I was waiting for a moment to strike my own father and now that you’re here, there’s no more time to waste. How’re you planning on doing this?”

“I want to use you,” you say, stopping to look in his direction. “May I use you?” You ask him and Hyunjin looks down at you, a small chuckle leaving his lips.

“If it helps you in any way.”

You nod at his reply, thankful, before you continue on your walk again. “Your father gets off on relationship dynamics where he’s in full control without having to share any of that power with anyone, that’s why he never cared for your mother, and that’s why getting close to him as a ‘significant other’ isn’t going to work.”

“You plan on becoming my fiancé,” he guesses at what you’re putting at, scoffing with disbelief when you confirm it. After finding out the deeds his father had done, Hyunjin was beyond disgusted, and hearing it still makes him boil with rage thinking about it.

His father is a predator, a disgusting creep.

“It’ll allow him to put his guard down a bit, though it seems he may be a bit hostile towards your care for me.”

“Do you want me to tone it down a bit? Provoke him less?” He doesn’t want to, but if it helps your current situation, he’ll have to agree to your words.

“No.” Yet you say, firm in your decision with a glint of ire flickering in your eyes. “No matter what happens, don’t ever do all that you can to stop him from trying things with me. He’ll tolerate it because you play the role of the fiancé and he’ll know that he doesn’t have the right to take you from me. It will make him more upset and it will cause him to try more things with me in that case, but no matter how hostile and angry he may be with you, do not ever leave me to him. I want to use you as a fiancé and I want to use you as a shield, and if I can’t shoot him in the head like I plan to, if I somehow freeze up, I want you to end him for me. No one else.”

This is the first time you’ve ever asked Hyunjin for a favor, a silent cry for help, and he remembers the last memory he had of you; sitting on his bed, lifeless eyes staring only blankly as you had no strength in you to fight back against anything or anyone. You were a doll made for your father to use, and as long as he had no complaints about who or what was happening to you, you had no reason to act out, especially since the Reapers and the Black Rose were allied then.

It was your way of survival; playing the role of the puppet.

That was why he left, because he knew anything else would have drowned you further down and down the deep, deep ocean, weights of burdens and people holding your feet to keep you in. He knew what he did wouldn't save you but he wanted to take at least one weight away, just for you to float up from the sea at least just the slightest bit.

He had no power to go against his father, accuse him of all the things he’s done to you — he would have died — so he plays the role of an obedient child, just as you had, waiting to strike and turn against him during the right moment, so he wouldn't know it was coming. 

When Hyunjin looks at you, he can see traces of the war leaving you drained and exhausted. You’re tired of everyone and everything, yet you have no will to back down anytime soon. He knows you’ve gone and killed a few of your enemies already, his father is just another target on your hit-list, a passing moment, and you still have others to kill, others that have done you wrong. 

Still, no matter how much you hate a man, a part of you will still be afraid and your body knows it best.

“I’ll kill him,” he nods against your request, firm and unwavering. If you can’t take the shot, he’ll do it in your place.

You turn from his gaze at that, accepting his answer, when a small little droplet hits your cheek. 

You look up, aware of the small drizzling of the rain, when an umbrella is held over you without hesitation. You look over to find Taehyung, silent and observant, now by your side with an umbrella over your head. 

For a man who’s only pretending to be an assistant, he sure does his job well.

Luckily it’s only a small little rain, so even though you’re the only one with an umbrella held over your head (by someone else), you don’t care to move away from the opening. 

The other two don’t seem to mind either.

“I want this over with in less than three days if that’s alright with you,” you continue the flow of the conversation as if it never stopped in the beginning. “Any more stalling may cause me to go insane and I cannot afford that.”

“Of course.”

“Tonight we’re going to discuss the merging of our hands. I’ll push for the engagement party the day after tomorrow. I’m sure your father won’t mind the rush.” Of course he wouldn’t. “And as for the case of him not yet knowing of the news of my father’s death, as well as who killed him, I’ll take care of it. All you have to do is play the role of my fiancé. Once it’s all done and over with, I’m sure you will do well to hide all these secrets from the London mobs. Namjoon gave me the passageway into the streets, I need you to give me a way to leave it. Bring only the people that you can trust in to the party, anyone else will pose a problem to us.”

Years ago, Hyunjin would have never thought you to take up the reins and lead a whole mafia on your back, yet the way you speak without falter, a voice of authority and strength, he can no longer see that little girl who only followed behind the shadows of her father.

The puppet has become the puppeteer.

Or maybe you were the true puppeteer all along, waiting to strike.

No one saw it coming, you did well to follow in your father’s steps, and although many sacrifices were made, you’re now standing here right in the center, eyes unwavering and filled with a strength only someone who went through so much can hold.

He knows, however, that you can only grow stronger. You just have to sacrifice a few more of yourself in order to do so.

And for that, his heart hurts for you.

.

.

.

“Shall we become a family?” 

Of course it’s Leehyun who proposes the idea first. You know that in his mind, you’re only staying here for a limited amount of time before you return to your home, and he’ll no longer be able to see you. You were already taken away from him the first time, this time you can see in his eyes that he doesn’t plan to let you leave him just as easily as you did then. 

It’s sickening the way he looks at you.

You feign a smile, shyly glancing over at Hyunjin before returning your gaze back to him again. “Are you sure, Mr. Hwang? Would that be alright?”

He likes that expression on your face; shy, innocent.

You hate it.

“Of course it would. I’ve always wanted you.” You cringe at those words, holding your expression as he continues on. “You’d be the perfect daughter-in-law anyone would ask for. You’re sweet, obedient, and always listen well without ever acting out. You’re the perfect daughter-in-law.”

Daughter-in-law, not his son’s lover or his son’s fiancé but his daughter-in-law.

“You flatter me, Mr. Hwang.” You let your eyes flutter down to your lap, a hand against your hand to play the role of an embarrassed, shy, innocent girl.

You hear him chuckle in response and can feel the eyes of the two other men in the room. 

“Of course, we’d have to discuss this with your father.”

“Actually, I have some good news.” You turn to Taehyung and he hands you a letter that then gets slid across the table towards the older man. “Father did mention hoping to reconnect with you, said he wouldn't mind Mr. Hyunjin and me to be betrothed to one another again.”

“Really?” He raises a brow with keen interest as he takes the letter you’ve handed him. Of course, it’s a fake letter, one you had Mingyu write, feigning your father’s handwriting to make it real. Out of everyone who’s stayed by your side, Mingyu knows your father’s mannerisms and speeches best. 

“If it’s alright with you, would you like to return to Korea, Mr. Hwang?” You blink up at him with wide eyes, a hopeful gaze set in them, one you know he wouldn't be able to refute. 

Just on cue, you see that familiar glint in his eyes and almost falter in your stance.

You can feel your heart beating hard against your chest and it’s not the good kind of beating. It never is when it comes to Hwang Leehyun.

“Returning to Korea sounds like a good idea, wouldn't you think, Hyunjin?” 

Hyunjin, uncomfortable in his seat, nods with a tight smile. “Yes, father.”

“Unfortunately I have to return in a few days,” you speak up again. “Father mentioned an important mission I’ll have to take that will require my attention for some time. So if it’s alright with you, why don’t we hold the engagement party while I’m here?”

“Without your father?”

“He has already given us his blessings,” you push the conversation on. “Plus father has never been one to enjoy parties.”

“Of course,” Leehyun nods, pretending to remember that fact. You’re sure he doesn't remember much about your father. He’s only ever kept his eyes on you after all. “You’ve become quite the lady, haven’t you?” A small change in his tone, Leehyun reaches out to gently stroke your head. 

You smile meekly, eyes fluttering to the floor, feigning shyness when in reality, you’re just hoping to not meet those eyes of his. 

It’s disgusting. He’s disgusting.

You hate this.

“It’s getting late.” Hyunjin stands with a hand held out to you, breaking the moment. “I’ll take you up to your room.”

“She can go alone.”

“Ah, but would anyone want to leave such a pretty lady alone to herself? I am to become her fiancé soon after all.” 

“Right..” You hate the sound of his tone. 

“I am her aide,” Taehyung speaks up for the first time that night, “I can take her upstairs.” 

He holds his hand out for you, and although you hate every part of this, you’re relieved he can at least read the room and can step in when he needs to most. So you take up his offer, bidding the other two goodbye, and you return to the guest room with Taehyung by your side.

It is when the door closes do you finally drop your acting face down, eyes hardened with gritted teeth against your jaw. 

Your hands tremble with anger as you fist a hairful into your hands, touching where Leehyun had held you, breathing louder than you intend to. You pace back and forth, silent, as Taehyung watches on, understanding your frustration and turmoil.

“What is it?” He wants you to speak, to let it out. So you speak.

“I want to kill him,” you say, a whisper laced with ire. “I want him gone, I…How dare he touch me so carelessly? If I could cut his hand off — no — break each of his fingers off in the most slowest and cruelest ways, I…If I could just kill him right now, I’d—”

“Y/N.”

“But I can’t.” You run your fingers through your hair, making it disheveled on purpose. Perfection is what they want out of you. You hate perfection. “I have to be patient. I have to do this perfectly. If not, everything I’ve worked so hard for will go down the drain.”

“It’s okay. Just hold on a little longer.”

It’s alright.

You’ll be okay.

Just hold on a little longer.

Just a little longer.

“You can take it, can’t you? Just a little longer and it’ll all be over.”

Those words are mocking you, trying to tear you down to pieces, and as if Taehyung can understand just how much his words have affected you right there and then, he steps up before you, an expression of guilt. 

“I apologize. That must have sounded inconsiderate of me.”

Inconsiderate.

Ha. What a word. 

If Mingyu was here, what would Mingyu do? What would he say? He’d know just what to do, to calm your ire, to calm all that you are right now. 

Everything threatens to tear you down but you can’t even let it all go. You have to hold on because looking weak before Taehyung will only backfire on you. You can’t break down. Not now.

Not now.

Not now.

Where is the pillar that you need the most? Where is your calm?

You shut him out. 

That’s right. He wasn’t allowed to join you, otherwise he’d stop you from what you’re trying to do right now. None of them were allowed to come. If Mingyu had been by your side during all of this instead of Taehyung, you’re sure he would have had a few things to say by now.

You stare at Taehyung who stands before you, and although you know the rest of them must be listening in on everything that has happened so far, as well as this moment right here, you can’t help but ask; “May I see your hand?”

He falls confused, unsure of what you’re meaning to do, but he holds his hand out either way. 

You take ahold of it, touching the larger, callous hand, and run it against your head. 

You lean against the touch, closing your eyes, and Taehyung realizes this is the exact place Leehyun had held you previously. Mere moments ago. 

His brows furrow and he holds out his other hand before you. “Shall we try something?”

You open your eyes to find Taehyung lost in your memories.

“Shall we try something?” 

You tilt your head slightly to the side, lips pressed together with confusion. “Try..something?”

He sends you a soft smile, one that always seems to calm your heart. “Mmn,” he nods, “I think it can help you. Well, I hope it does.”

You’re still confused but place your hand in his either way. Taehyung holds it up so that both your palms face one another, as if you were looking directly at a mirror before you. But it isn't a mirrored version of you that you see before you. It’s Taehyung. Just Taehyung.

He looks at you differently from what your reflection shows. Rather than resentment and insecurity mirroring you, Taehyung watches you with a soft expression of love and care. 

“What did we say about hiding?” He asks gently with a kind smile. “I told you, didn't I? You can complain all that you want. You can lash out, throw a tantrum, scream, shout, just don’t hide.”

Don’t be silent.

It’s okay to scream.

“You’re hurting, aren’t you?” He leans in and you fall forward, meeting his forehead with yours in the middle. “It’s okay to rely on us, to rely on me. You don’t have to hide, Y/N, not when you’re with me.”

He intertwines your fingers together and…

…pull you in close, allowing your ears to rest against his chest, where the beat of his heart lies. It’s steady unlike your own and when you close your eyes to listen to his heartbeat, it’s the last thing you hear before your body falls limp a few moments later. 

Taehyung holds you up and carries you off to the bed, tucking you in before he leans away, watching you with an unreadable expression, all the while knowing he’s being listened in on by the rest of the crew back in their hotel rooms.

.

.

.

You wake up in the middle of the night just as you had done the night before. Taehyung wakes up along with you, woken by your moving presence who stands in the middle of the bedroom, aimlessly staring at nothing.

You look like a ghost, a walking corpse, and as he watches you from where you stand, your eyes aren’t as guarded as they always are when you’re wide awake. He knows you must be in a state where you aren’t fully awake but you’re not asleep either. It’s as if you can’t sleep well, and he wonders whether that’s because you’re placed in a different environment or if it has to do with something else.

“Y/N?” He calls your name, softly, but you don’t react one bit.

A blanket is wrapped around you, keeping you warm, but as you walk towards the light of the moon right outside the window, it falls from your shoulders, leaving them bare, causing you to shudder at the sudden coldness.

Taehyung walks over to pick the blanket up, a concerned furrow on his brows as he watches you, unsure of what’s going on. Last night you stood for a while before taking a seat on the floor, your head resting on the wall, and that was when you finally got some sleep, but tonight something tells him your body might not adjust to sleep as easily.

He remembers a time in the past when his heartbeat used to bring you to sleep but things are different now and although it helped for a moment, you’re awake now, unable to get a proper night’s sleep.

Just how much are you holding in that head of yours?

“Y–” He tries calling again when he hears something and senses another presence. 

Taehyung reaches for his gun when he finds a shadow against the window. They jump in without a sound, like an assassin made from the shadows, and when the person brings a finger up to their lips to keep him quiet, he realizes this is one of your Reapers.

Yuna, was it? Your blind shadow.

He puts his gun down but watches her with a steady gaze, unable to completely let his guard down.

She ignores him to turn to you, who stares blankly out the window, a small tilt in your head as you look up at the moonlight. Yuna takes the blanket from Taehyung to drape it over your shoulders. You take it as if possessed, covering yourself from the coldness, eyes still blank, lips sealed shut.

She stays beside you, silent, and reaches a hand out to you, weaving her hand through your hair. You welcome the touch without flinching away, a sign that tells Taehyung her touch is one you trust, one you are safe with, and one you have familiarized yourself with.

“Why are you awake, my lady?” She asks softly, her approach careful with a touch of tenderness. “You have a big day tomorrow and the day after that. You should be sleeping.”

You turn towards her voice, and something tells Taehyung you aren’t taking in what her words are saying, you’re just reacting to the sound of her familiar melody..

You’re still in a mindless state.

“Aren’t you tired?” Yuna asks, and upon those words, you lean in to rest your head against her shoulder. She takes your hand and you follow her willingly, allowing her to sit you down against a soft little seating in front of the window. She sits beside you, letting your head fall against her lap, and with the blanket held on top of your body, the silence of the night fills in as Yuna runs her hand through your hair, helping you to flutter your eyes closed and get a good night’s rest.

It remains quiet for a while before your breathing evens out and they know you’ve finally gone back to sleep again.

Taehyung wonders if you even realize this happens to you at night. Do you realize you wake up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep? And do you realize only your Reapers can get you back to your resting state without breaking you out of your mindless state?

You trust these Reapers, he knows, but just as their loyalty and allegiance to you runs deeper than the ocean, he wonders if you ever realize how deep your trust runs in them.

When he looks at Yuna who keeps quiet, something tells him they probably keep this part of you a secret to themselves.

“Your…blindfold,” he sparks up a conversation. Her hand pauses in the air for a split second at his voice. “..What happened to your eyes?”

Yuna remains silent for a bit, her hand continuing the gentle motion in your hair before she decides to entertain him the story.

“It was a price I had to pay for in order to stay by my lady’s side,” she says, her words filled with memories of those days. “Boss took them out herself and I willingly allowed her to. Our secrets would have been exposed otherwise and we couldn’t afford that.”

“So you became blind…for her.”

“For my lady, I’d do anything.” She tilts her head up and if she had eyes, Taehyung knows she would be looking straight at him. “This was the first test of loyalty between the first Reaper and the lady. The bond between the Reapers and the boss would not have been as tight if it weren’t for this sacrifice, because if I never lost my eyes for her…I’m sure she would have never been able to trust in anyone ever again.” He presses his lips tightly against those words, connecting what that meant. He knows she’s talking about their betrayal to you. “Once you pledge allegiance to someone, it behooves you not to betray the faith that they have placed in you. That is the agreement between the Reapers and the boss. Losing my eyes for her meant she could place her faith in me and the rest of us that came after me.”

Yuna; the very first Reaper who stood by your side and got you to earn her trust and restore some sort of faith in others again.

When they left you all alone during those days, it never occurred to him what would have happened as an aftermath of their actions. You had to pay the price, the consequences of their actions, and for the first time since the night he watched from the sideline as you bowed your head before them, Taehyung can feel a tinge of regret aching against his chest.

All the things you went through, he will never come to find out. The only person who knows and is even close to staying by your side through it all is the one before him, who holds her head up, unwavering loyalty not meant to ever break even past her death.

When he looks at the way she regards you, Taehyung feels so little against her despite his physical body much bigger than her.

Does he even have the right to regret anything? Who is he to only care after seeing you like this? Who is he to begin caring now when he realizes you’ve had it rough throughout those ten years after the divorce?

If he didn’t care when you graced them with your smile, what right does he have to begin caring when he sees the invisible tears left in the weight of your drained eyes?

He knows he has no right.

None at all.

💜💜💜

cry me a river | the broken

— summary: once someone's been taught to stay quiet their whole life, how do they learn to scream and shout for help?

— pairing: bts x reader

— genre: angst, mafia!au

— word count: 11.1k

— warnings: implied sexual harassment/abuse, implied forceful age-gap relationship, mentions of predatory acts/character, mentions of memory suppression, resurfacing of suppressed memories, implied forced submission, gaslighting, manipulation, mentions of breaking, mentions of toxic family relations, toxic power dynamics, suppressed emotions, brief mention of miscarriage, violence, slight gore

— PART 13 / previous post / masterpost

“Will you help me with the zipper?”

The light-colored champagne dress you wear fits you beautifully, just as everything does, yet tonight you seem to look a bit more elegant and dignified, the lighter color creating a more pure and soft look as compared to the darker dresses he’s gotten used to seeing you wear. This is part of the play. After all, in order to seem innocent before Hwang Leehyun, you have to look the part.

As he helps you with the zipper, Taehyung doesn’t know how to feel about you dressing up for a man like Leehyun.

You give him a small thanks before turning to the vanity mirror and taking a seat in order to fix your hair and makeup. The first thing you do is brush through your hair while Taehyung stands on the sideline, watching you. You bring a fancy hairpin along your hair, holding it up into a low bun, then turn towards the makeup kit to begin patting your face down.

The beauty comes along and when you reach a certain step, you frown slightly at the eyeliner in your hand.

You’ve always had Dasom handle your makeup and playing with eyeliner is something you have yet to get used to. But she did always mention using a sharp-lined corner as a guideline to help you through in case she wouldn’t be around to help you.

You look around before putting a leg up against the vanity, rolling your dress up to take the knife you had hidden against your thigh, and Taehyung watches with slight confusion as you line the edge of the knife along your eye.

He meets your eyes in the reflection of the mirror when you use the knife as a guide to create your wings, your gaze intense with a fire he has yet to get used to.

He’s first to rip away from the contact, feeling rather flustered at how..hot that was.

Respectfully.

“Shall we get going?” When you stand up and hold your hand out for him a few minutes later, Taehyung has to take a moment to take your appearance in. No matter how much time has passed, your beauty will always shine bright, but in the past months he’s met you again after a couple of passing years, you only seem to shine even brighter.

“Don’t get too carried away now,” you say and he realizes he got caught staring.

Taehyung clears his throat as he takes your hand and leads you to the door, not entirely fond of the fact that this is all for the sake of a sick bastard.

.

.

.

“As expected you are…” the second Leehyun sees you, he can’t help but fall into a slight daze, “..beautiful.” He speaks with a sighing breath as if he can’t believe what he’s seeing before him, and Taehyung’s stance straightens at those words, his eyes hardening at Leehyun.

Perhaps this is why you didn’t allow your Reapers in on this mission. Would they be able to hold themselves back for their boss? Even he’s having a hard time restraining himself.

Leehyun reaches out to lightly brush a strand of hair to the side and when he leans into you, you can feel Taehyung’s hold of your hand tightening. “I can’t wait to become a family,” he whispers, and perhaps to others, he truly adores his future daughter-in-law in an innocent way but to you and Taehyung, those words only bring chills down your spines.

“Father, Y/N.” Hyunjin steps in to the rescue, allowing his father to back away at the call of your names. “The guests have all arrived, we should get going.”

“Right.” He seems a bit disappointed at the moment ripped away from him but the three of you do not care for it as you turn to stand by Hyunjin’s side.

Taehyung takes a second to look at Hyunjin, who gives him silent words of reassurance, before he takes his leave from the potential newly made family. He walks away to join the room full of guests, blending into the crowd with cautious eyes staring at his surrounding.

“I don’t think you would have been able to hold yourself back if you were in my position,” he says the instant Jimin pulls up to his side, offering him a glass of champagne.

“Well,” Jimin hums, “it was bad enough just listening in on the conversations, I can only imagine.”

“He’ll die soon enough,” Yoongi speaks up with eyes staring straight towards the fancy door that hides the three of you from the eyes of the guests.

Soon enough they open with the sight of Hwang Leehyun with a proud grin on his face, the one that hides his sinister self, hidden from the public to see. And hidden from the eyes of Leehyun and his men are the men of Bangtan blended in with the crowd, watching with steady eyes as he opens his mouth with a prepared speech at hand.

“I thank you for coming here on short notice..” he begins and his voice trails off for Hoseok as he walks about discreetly, watching the room to see if anything is amiss.

There are two guards by the entrance door, three men upstairs keeping an eye on the room, and a few more in the room, dressed in black suits with earpieces connecting them to one another for communication purposes.

If anything happens, you’re the last person they’ll think to harm, especially with Hyunjin and Leehyun by your side so he doesn’t need to worry about your safety for the beginning portion of all of this.

You’ll be alright…for now.

“I ask that you protect her well,” Mingyu’s voice echoes in his head. “Whatever you do, do not stop her, however…save her…if it so gets to that point.”

In the beginning, he couldn’t understand what those words meant. They lied heavy with great responsibility and although Hoseok knew he would have obliged them without Mingyu having to say it, now that he understands the context of things, it only makes him sick to the stomach.

The things you went through when you left them can only be left to their imaginations and for your sake, Hoseok hopes you can keep strong.

He saw how much you’ve changed, the strength in you different from how it was during the three years he got to know and love you. You have a sort of strength that seems almost impossible to break, your thoughts and mind plagued with only the desire to seek revenge for those that have wronged you.

But even the strongest villains in the world can break down and fall apart.

What if something goes wrong down this line? What would happen then?

“Please welcome my future daughter-in-law,” he hears Leehyun say, and you come into sight, a dignified beauty beyond compare.

You’re beautiful, glowing brightly under the chandelier lights, and he knows that everyone else in the room is thinking the very same thoughts. When you grace them with a smile, you only shine brighter, and before they can approach you with congratulations and introduce themselves, they have to take a moment of breath to take your beauty in.

You’re beautiful.

Hoseok looks around the room to find Namjoon who stands from afar, his stare blank. To anyone, he looks as if he holds no emotions on his face, but Hoseok knows better than that.

He’s mesmerized yet at the same time, worried.

They all share the same thought, he realizes, when he finds the rest of them.

Leehyun will die tonight but what price would you have to pay in order to reach that goal?

Will you be alright?

“How long until the wedding? Will you hold a formal party or will there only be a private signing of papers?” When the question is asked, you take a glance at Hyunjin, who chuckles lightly in response.

“Our Y/N here is shyer than she seems so for her sake, we’ll keep the process private and quick.”

“And besides, the quicker the process, the faster we get to be family.” You don’t know why Leehyun agrees to Hyunjin so quickly but when he lands a hand on your shoulder, you can only think about how uncomfortable you’re feeling.

The guest at hand laughs with ignorance. “You’re lucky such a beauty will become a member of your family.”

“Yes, indeed I am.”

You discreetly glance over at Hyunjin when his father squeezes your shoulder as he continues speaking to the guest as if you were the one he was presenting as his potential wife.

It’s irritating.

Disgusting.

Hyunjin reaches over to take you back when someone calls for his attention.

“May I have a moment with you?” They ask, and Hyunjin hesitates with a glance your way, enticing a chuckle out of the guest. “Come on now, Hyunjin, I know you’re eager to marry such a beauty but you’ll get her the rest of your life so let me steal you for a moment, yeah?”

You give Hyunjin a small nod to let him know that it was alright to leave your side, and although he continues his debate in his head, he’s eventually dragged off away and out of sight from you, leaving you to converse with more guests with Leehyun by your side.

“Are you tired?” After a few more minutes, he asks you the question which causes you to look up with a small huh. Leehyun grins your way, an innocent smile, but you know better than that. “You don’t do too well with crowds, do you? I think you should take a break. Here, let me get you out of here.”

He takes your hand without hesitating another beat and your heart quickens slightly as he begins dragging you off.

You feel eyes on you, alerted, but you signal Taehyung with a shake of your head, letting him know that he shouldn’t follow you.

If you’re going to do this properly, you can’t expose your weakness just yet.

He can’t stop you. None of them can.

And so you’re led to a door with a guard just outside, opening it for you, and Taehyung watches as the door closes with you and Leehyun on the other side, left alone together.

He bites his inner lip, anxious.

.

.

.

“Water?” Leehyun offers but you shake your head politely, remaining stood by the door as he walks further in to take a seat on one of the fancy comfortable chairs in the room. “Is it draining?” He asks after taking a sip of his drink. “I know you aren’t someone who likes staying in the presence of a crowd much, especially when you’re at the center of attention.”

Why is he speaking to you so casually? As if nothing about him is wrong?

No, this is how it’s always been, hasn’t it?

“I can endure it,” you answer him and he chuckles lowly in response.

“That’s right. You’ve always been so good at enduring things.” Your finger twitches at those words so you keep them hidden behind you, keeping the beat of your heart steady. “When this is all over, we’ll finally be a family, just the way I hoped many years ago.”

Many years ago.

Those years…you never want to remember anything from it.

“You can’t leave me now, Y/N,” he says and you keep silent. “Hyunjin seems to have taken a liking to you and he’s a bit more observant than he was then but he doesn’t have to know. Everything can still be kept a secret between the two of us.”

Secret.

You never did try to conceal anything. Back then you didn’t care whether you were hurt or not. All you knew was surviving and if that meant letting others hurt you, you did what you had to do. Hyunjin was the one who found out on his own and in turn, as a sincere apology for his ignorance, he left the country and took his father along with him.

He was and has always been a sincere man, unlike his father. Even though you knew he cared for you in some ways, he never did anything to force you to do things for him. He could have done anything and everything with you if he so wanted but he didn’t because unlike everyone else around you, he was human.

He had morals he abided by and always treated the people around him with respect.

If you had spoken up about your struggles then, perhaps you would have gotten hurt less.

“Have you taken a liking to Hyunjin as well?” Leehyun tsks lightly as he stands from his seat, walking slowly over to you with a small shake of his head as if liking your soon-to-be fiancé isn’t ideal. “That’s kind of a shame. You’ve always been a good little girl, haven’t you? You’ll listen to me still, won’t you, pretty girl?”

You stare at the ground, hating every bit of this, every little nickname he gives you, that glint in his eyes, everything.

“Eyes on me when I’m talking to you,” Leehyun commands in a tone that threatens to resurface your buried memories. He holds your chin up to force your eyes to meet his. “You’re not thinking about telling Hyunjin everything, are you?”

Your brows furrow.

“He’d never believe you, you know. Why would he? I could just tell him you came onto me.”

“What?”

“Hyunjin’s my son. Why would he believe you over me?” 

He doesn't understand anything, does he? Years ago he threatened you like this as well, though years ago it didn’t matter much because you didn’t care to tell anyone about anything. You were already far gone, not able to trust strangers.

Hyunjin could have saved you sooner than he did but you kept quiet.

Once someone’s been taught to stay quiet their whole life, how do they learn to scream and shout for help?

Hyunjin came to earn your trust when he proved his good heart by leaving the country for you, but even then you remember being in a state in which nothing mattered. Whether you were hurt or not, you couldn’t care about anything but pleasing your father and becoming stronger than you were then.

You endured through everything with a blank heart, mind falling into a state you aren’t be able to recall memories from. You remained quiet for the longest time.

Still, his tone threatens to shake your core. You can feel something building up inside of you, something not so good. It’s as if all the weights you thought had disappeared are all coming back up at the same time.

Father’s face reappears in your mind, his threatening gaze so dark and cold whenever he looks your way. All you ever were to him was a puppet in the making. He wanted you to grow up loyal and obedient only to him, to become strong and powerful, and if gaining strength meant enduring through all the things others did to you, he didn’t care to bat an eye your way, even as you were thrown to the wolves.

No.

He threw you to the wolves.

So of course he never cared what the wolves did to you in return. All he cared about was you returning to his side, whether that meant alive or not. He didn’t care for your survival, for your life or death.

If you came back with strength, that just meant feeding you to more wolves until you grew strong enough on your own.

Until you returned to bite the hand that fed you.

It’s a wonder he never saw your betrayal coming.

“We should return,” you say against the silence that befalls the room, making up an excuse. “If we stay here for any longer, the guests will wonder where we’ve gone.”

You turn to put a hand on the doorknob when Leehyun’s hand takes over yours. You restrain yourself well to not flinch at his touch, only retracing your hand back silently. He watches you while your eyes remain still before you, and when he opens the door, Leehyun holds your shoulder once again.

You hate every bit of this.

“Mr. Hwang.” Not even two strides out the door and someone approaches him.

You recognize the voice and when you look up, it’s indeed Namjoon who had decided to walk up to the two of you with Jungkook by his side, acting as a bodyguard more than an important figure.

Leehyun grows surprised at the sight, not expecting a man like Namjoon to have come to London, not to mention his son’s engagement party. He speaks up, bringing him into a conversation as you stay there, silent.

You can feel Jungkook’s piercing gaze on you, a silent question on the tip of his tongue as if wondering if you were alright and if Leehyun had done anything to you.

You weren’t alright, not alright at all. He didn’t do anything but it sure feels as if he did. You hate the touch of his hand on your bare shoulders, his skin burning against you like touching the spike of a porcupine but being forced to not flinch away.

Every part of your body screams to push him away as it prickles with disgust, a tremor waiting to reveal itself but you know how to handle it, you know when not to show your weaknesses before others. You’ve been taught your whole life to conceal all that you feel after all.

What more is a few minutes?

When father was around, he instilled the practice well into your head, engraving it as if a burning metal pressed hotly against your skin, the mark there to stay forever. 

That’s what Leehyun’s touch feels like; a hot iron burn that will remain forever even if he does manage to leave you alone.

Hyunjin, where’s Hyunjin?

Hyunjin isn’t anywhere in sight so despite the fact that there are two people here who are on your side, you know they can’t do anything to rip Leehyun’s touch off you.

The voices spoken between him and Namjoon fade in and out as your eyes shake, looking around for something, anything, when you catch the sight of a hand held out to you, grabbing your attention back forcefully from your moment of frantic.

You look up to find Namjoon right before you, his hand held out expectedly as one would when meeting someone for the first time. “It’s nice to meet you, miss Y/N,” the words slip easily from his lips.

Right.

Despite the fact that the two of you were wed once upon a time, no one knows of your relationship. You were kept a secret for the longest time. Mother’s pregnancy was announced the moment the two red lines appeared on the stick, her eyes bright with delight and hope, you remember the maids saying. But her happiness and joy were forcefully ripped away from her when the doctor congratulated her on the news of carrying a baby girl.

It wasn’t what mother wanted. It wasn’t what father wanted. It wasn’t what anyone wanted.

The congratulation that left the doctor’s mouth was the very reason his tongue was cut off and later killed by the order of your mother.

She wanted to get rid of you the instant she knew of your gender but she kept you. A part of her probably hoped you’d grow up competent, prove her wrong, prove the world — father wrong, that you’d be her pride and joy and she wouldn’t have to care about your gender.

Meanwhile, father was already letting the world know that her pregnancy was a fail, that she had a miscarriage. You were deemed a mistake before he even saw you, but he allowed the only thing mother had left to keep to herself with promising words of not wanting to have anything to do with you.

The birth was risky and mother grew severely depressed, affecting even more of her health, until eventually her blooms wilted away and the last thing you saw of her was her disgusted eyes filled with hatred towards you.

You ruined her. Your very own mother.

Father was heartless but he turned you into his little puppet to hold and manipulate the strings of. You followed his every word whether willingly or not. After all, a puppet has no control over its own strings. They only do and say what the puppetmaster wants them to. You were no exception.

He kept you a secret until the end, only sharing you with the people close to him but even then, he never cared to pay you any attention unless it was to use you as a pawn.

That’s why you grew to shy away from the crowd, hating every bit of attention on you. Yoongi told you that it could never be, that no matter where you go, eyes will always follow you, it’s only inevitable. Your beauty is like the bright light for the moth, he said, meant to attract attention no matter what you do.

You held onto his words dearly and keep them still because he’s right. You will never be able to truly blend into the crowd as you wish and you let that fall to your advantage once you learned to manipulate others in the same way father had.

Like father, like daughter.

You may hate your father but no matter what anyone says, the two of you share blood and a part of him will always be instilled in your veins.

You hate every part of the truth.

“..It’s nice to meet you,” you finally say after a heartbeat, holding your hand out to shake Namjoon’s hand.

You linger a little longer, grip tighter than it should for a casual handshake, hoping, praying, in your silent cry, for him to hold onto you just as tight and yank you out of Leehyun’s grip. It’s a silent plea you don’t realize you’re doing when your ex-husband watches you attentively. Anyone would think nothing of it but you see the slight furrow between his brows, the way his mouth protrudes in just the slightest unnoticeable way.

You want him to take you away, to save you.

But before anything can happen, it’s you who forces your hand away from his first as if waking from your moment of daze, remembering what you’re doing and why you’re here.

You can’t forget your revenge for a moment of peace. Peace has to come after the storm, not before, otherwise the fight and the war will be for naught. You can’t get caught up with a small glimpse of hope. You’re already here in this room, held against Leehyun, you can’t back down now.

Revenge revenge revenge.

This is all for the revenge.

Namjoon can sense something is wrong, wondering whether you can still keep yourself upright for the sake of the mission, but when you retract from his hold, he squeezes his hand that’s held in mid-air after you left him, returning it back to his side.

“I didn’t know you were the daughter of the Grim Reaper,” he says, keeping up the font of your father still alive and striving well and not six feet under or burned into crispy ashes. He isn’t sure what you’ve done to your father’s body and he doesn’t really want to know.

Something about the relationship gives him a bit of suspicion but he can only base that on what he’s seen. What he’s heard tells him a different story. You’ve never smeared your father’s name before him, even in death, in fact, you tell him he’s treated you well throughout your life but what if all of that is a lie, just as a lot of things about you? You feign your smile before others, picking up an arrogant aura, fake the way you welcome each and every attention that falls your way when you walk into a room.

What if what you’ve told them about your father has also been a lie?

“Father has always been overprotective about my identity,” you tell him, something that sounds so believable yet so false at the same time.

What if you got rid of him not because you were “bored” but because you were forced to? Because that was the only way to freedom you’d ever earn? Because there was no other choice? What if everything about you in those three years they spent with you were all nothing but lies?

No. You’ve always been truthful and honest.

He can still remember looking into your eyes and always seeing the sincerity in them, how nothing in this world felt real except the sincere eyes that you always gave him. He didn’t believe in anything but your eyes were the only thing he knew that could never lie to him. Anything else, anyone else would but you…you never lied to him.

Yet as he stands here now, he thinks that perhaps he had been naive all along. There was always a part of you that you’d hide from them after all, no matter how much they tried to edge you on, reminding you that they loved and cared for every part of you so that you would be willing to open up. They shared their secrets, their deepest insecurities with you. But before he could ever cut open your heart and see what was inside, he broke the ties between you and the rest, divorcing you all too soon.

“That reminds me,” you look at him with a small smile, as if you were that shy little girl who always hid behind him whenever strangers were to try a spark a conversation with you, “I hope you can still keep this a secret. The people here don’t truly know of my identity but because you’re from Korea, it’s a whole different story. So for the sake of my father’s wrath and to conceal his kind heart, I ask that you not mention any part of meeting me and announce it to the world.”

What if the reason your father kept your identity a secret is not because he loves you so dearly but because he hates everything about you?

He wants to doubt the sincerity you held for him in those three years he cared for you. Still, Namjoon says, “Of course. You have my word.”

“Thank you, Mr. Kim.” When you give him a small bow of a nod as a way to thank him, you don’t allow your head to look back up so he’s left with only seeing your hair which conceals any emotions on your face.

You suddenly feel so small, as if the acting is beginning to take a toll on you and you’re starting to believe in this fantasy. As if Namjoon indeed doesn’t know you, as if you’re still that hopeless, pure little girl who’s been shut out from the world, as if you will indeed marry into the Hwangs and be trapped in a cage with the keys lost to the sea.

You wish Mingyu was here so that his presence can calm your racing heartbeat. You wish you could hear him with an intercom connecting his voice to your ears. You wish he could remind you to breathe, that you needn’t worry because he’s watching every step you make, that if anyone were to put you in harm’s way, Dasom’s bullet will pierce right into the skull of their heads.

You want to feel Dasom’s sniper watching you, you wish Yuna’s lingering gaze never left, and plunge yourself into drinking all of Yeonjun’s tea to end all the nerves that are screaming at you to break away from Leehyun’s hold.

To breathe.

To run away and find your safe place; in your Reaper’s safehold.

But you can’t because you’ve shut them out, told them to not interfere with your plans, to not stop you no matter what happens.

You don’t realize the Reapers are still watching you through Bangtan’s gaze, still ignorant to the fact that Mingyu had walked into their headquarters and dropped his head before Namjoon, asking them to protect you until the end, to save you if necessary. You don’t realize their protectiveness has been asked of to be replaced by Bangtan.

You don’t see Jungkook’s watchful gaze on you while Namjoon has Leehyun distracted in a conversation that falls deaf to his ears, careful in making sure Leehyun doesn’t mistake his watchful gaze on you and hide you away in response.

You don’t see the way the corner of Jungkook’s lip twitches, or the way he tries not to fiddle with his fingers in anxious thought of how this night will end but fails miserably. You don’t realize Jimin’s anger when he sees you held against Leehyun, standing by and watching with Yoongi as they recall the voices of conversations exchanged between you and Leehyun through Taehyung’s hidden mic.

You don’t see the way Taehyung rushes into the crowd, eyes scanning for a familiar figure to force him to return to your side otherwise he may snap and ruin the plan you so forced your Reapers away for.

But something goes wrong when he catches sight of the said man he placed his trust in to keep you safe. Hyunjin stands with a lower subordinate by his side, who whispers unheard words into his ear. Something’s wrong when he feels Taehyung’s gaze on him and looks up, his eyes hardening with a warning on the tip of his tongue.

Taehyung feels his mouth drying and when he snaps his head back at where you should be standing with Leehyun, Namjoon and Jungkook, but all that’s left are Namjoon and Jungkook without the other two figures in sight.

His eyes scan around the area, flashing with alarm as the words of Mingyu repeat in his head; “Don’t ever leave her side, no matter what. Don’t ever leave her alone with Leehyun.”

He knows you more than Taehyung does, probably knows every little secret you hold dearly within the thick walls you’ve built around yourself. He’s witnessed what you’ve been through, understands your responses and how to react to them, knows how to deal with every situation he’s faced with.

Taehyung doesn’t know anything. He has a clue but clues are useless and right now you’re missing, out of sight, and he feels as if the storm is coming sooner than it should. At a fast pace at that.

“Where’s Y/N?” He quickly asks the two boys who were last seen with her. The big boss gestures to two doors that lead away from the room where the party is held and grows irritated because he remembers all the doors in this house during his time here and that door does not lead to a private room. That room leads to a hallway into the unknown. “Why would you leave her out of your sight? I look away for one second to find Hyunjin and—”

“She asked us to let her go,” Jungkook cuts him off, his brows furrowed as he nips at his lower lip, a habit he does often when he’s anxious. “When Leehyun began to lead her away, she shook her head when we tried to stop him.”

They’re not supposed to stop you, they’re not supposed to do anything when you don’t give an order to. This is your revenge after all, your mission, so anything you say takes top priority but for once Taehyung wishes they hadn’t listened to your stupid demands and stopped you right then and there.

He understands Mingyu’s dilemma to a certain extent now. He might not know everything but he knows enough to understand that your underboss had every right to worry.

But right now he doesn’t have time to worry, to snap at the boys for letting you go. Right now he needs to find you and fix the situation before anything gets out of control.

“They’re filing in,” Hoseok’s voice walks into the intercom. Taehyung looks around to find him somewhere beside Seokjin, his voice discreet as if he were conversing in a friendly conversation with Seokjin rather than all of them. He doesn’t approach them for suspicions of their activity. “There are more of them now than there were minutes ago.”

The only guards, besides a few of them to avoid suspicion, should be Hyunjin’s people. He guesses this was what was exchanged between Hyunjin and the person beside him then.

Something’s definitely out of place.

Taehyung looks across the room to find Hyunjin making his way towards in, eyes meeting his as he speaks. “They’ve caught onto us.”

Four words simple enough to bring a shuddering rain crawling against their skin.

Namjoon keeps calm like the leader he is, knowing how to deal with situations like this due to experience. He can feel their gazes on him once the dreaded words leave Hyunjin’s lips, looking towards their alpha leader to give them direction and lead them to do what he thinks would save them from the situation. 

He turns to Taehyung and speaks. “Find another way in that leads through those doors and take Yoongi with you.”

.

.

.

“Do you know what I hate the most in this world?” Leehyun speaks calmly under the flickering light of the cold basement where he led you to after following a maze you probably won’t be able to remember the way of. The men he walked past stand just outside the door, leaving you alone with him once again. 

But this time there’s no one you can run to if something goes wrong, there’s no safety in knowing just outside the doors, you can cry for help and the crowd will look towards your call, glaring confused stares at Leehyun’s way.

It reminds you of a place you haven’t been to in a long, long time; the White Room.

Where you were held against your will, crying and begging for someone to help but the only people who stood outside were the guards who fell deaf to your cries. Even if the doors didn’t keep your screams in, you know they wouldn’t have helped you either.

It’s a bit different though, in lots of ways. This room is darker, lit up only by a flickering lightbulb held up by a string just above your head. You aren’t alone either, the perpetrator is here with you, keeping his watchful gaze on you, and you’re held bound by itchy ropes that are so bulky any movement against them forces prickling needles into your skin, sat on a lone wooden chair.

It’s cold though, in the same way the White Room had always been.

“I’ve told you before, haven’t I? You’re a smart girl, go on and repeat those words to me,” Leehyun prompts you and to anyone, it sounds as if he were speaking to someone precious, a gentle nudge towards a child who needs to be reminded of the rules she just broke while remaining stern. You hate how he treats you.

Still, you chant out the words as if under a spell. You can’t ignore him for some reason, as if remembering how you were with him years ago, unable to disobey anything that he says or does. Your body remembers even if your mind tries to forget.

“When people touch the things that belong to you.” It tastes bitter against your mouth but you give him nothing to read on your expressionless face.

Just as they always were years ago.

“That’s right,” Leehyun nods. He crosses his arms against his chest. “So what happened?”

“I held Mr. Kim’s hand.”

“And?”

“I let him steal my attention.”

“And?”

“...” You hesitate for a moment, just a split moment because you know Leehyun hates it when people don’t answer him right away. “I allowed you to fall into my foolish traps. Made you believe in my lies and hid behind the protection of your very own son.”

“My very own son.” You aren’t sure the exact moment when he realized it but perhaps in the process of thinking you held him wrapped around your finger, he was the one who had control of everything. You were foolish to think you could easily execute your plans without any mishaps. “Did you come to London in the hopes of taking your revenge on me?” He asks. “Are you here to kill me?”

The anxiety is felt clearly along your body. You aren’t sure why you’re like this when you thought you’ve trained yourself well enough to face your opponents but you guess trauma will always return to you and remind you of how you dealt with things no matter how much time has passed. You’ve returned to the doll that you were before father died.

At this moment right here, you’re the same person you were when you were with Leehyun years ago; obedient, robotic, dull, and blank.

Habits are scary.

“..Would it upset you if I said yes?” But unlike those times, the emotions are clear and you’re unable to repress them in the way your body did then. You can feel the heavy weight sitting on your chest, something constricting your airway in order to make it harder to breathe, and the slight little trembles against your body which you’ve always done so well to hide.

He laughs and you remain still. “What happened to your father? Did you get rid of him?” He asks rather than answering your question. He knows your answer and you know his. “You hold your head up high now, flirt easily, acting arrogant and mighty.”

“I killed him,” you answer fluently.

He laughs again, this time with a bit of a surprise, as if he can’t believe the girl he knew then would have been capable of killing her own father. You always followed your father’s words as if they were law, never going against him no matter what he asks of you, like a trained puppet. When did you escape from those strings? When did you gather the courage to leave?

Or perhaps you were the one playing with his strings all along, pretending to be a good little doll for the sake of catching him off guard and killing him when he least expects it.

“I see,” Leehyun nods, his laugh fading away as he thinks about it. If you’re capable of killing your father, a ruthless and merciless man, then you’re capable of killing him. Still, Leehyun wants to see your skills and wants to witness just how powerful you’ve become.

He takes three long steps back, arms uncrossing to be held behind him, eyes watchful as he calls for his men to come in. Ten muscular men walk in ready at the command of their boss while you remain sitting on the chair in the middle of the room, limps bound by strong ropes that cut through your skin whenever you make even the slightest movement.

“Why don’t you show me your skills then, sweetheart? I want to see how this little girl could have possibly taken down the Grim Reaper.”

It isn’t a request, it’s an order.

And when the men draw in on you, you have no other choice but to comply with Leehyun and give him a show.

You force your body back to push the chair onto the hard floor, causing it to collide and break into pieces, allowing your body to no longer be bound by the chair.

Someone swings a weapon your way but you duck right on time, headbutting him the second you’re given the chance. Someone else reaches for your arm and forces you to jump, you manipulate your body to fall against another man as you kick your feet forward at the man who wanted to take your arm.

Your hairpin falls from your hair, forcing the sight of your clear vision to fall a bit hazy, distracted by strands of hair, but you pay it no mind as you snatch the hairpin from the floor with your teeth, getting a bit of your hair in between. Leehyun marvels at how it turns into a sharp weapon of some sort.

Your body moves fluidly like the leaves against the wind, like the tide meets the beach, crashing against the enemies, manipulating every movement while using his men at your disposal. 

He grows irritated at how weak they are against a smaller figure, a girl, who still has her hands and legs tied.

You use the sharpness of your hairpin to take the binds off your ankles when you get the chance, allowing your feet to then kick freely at whoever tries to come at you. They don’t stand a chance, and Leehyun realizes the person your father tried so hard to train is now laughing back at him.

He called you useless, weak, incompetent, but the person he sees now is anything but.

How had your father thrown such a sparkling gem away without knowing your potential? In those years he knew of you, you held some skills your father forced you to take but now he realizes a lot of things you’ve been hiding in those years. Even back then when you were less skilled than you are now, you did everything your father asked of you perfectly. Whatever mission he asked of you, you finished it and came back in one piece. Whatever person he asked you to take down, you returned just as well.

Your father created a monster.

A beautiful, powerful monster.

Did he ever realize your strength before he died by your hands?

When his men lay dead on the floor, your chest heaves hard as you stand in the middle, a cut on your face, a long gash along your leg, and although you should be falling down exhausted, you remain standing as you stare down at him with eyes that could very well belong to a beast.

You still have your hands tied behind your back, hairpin held against your teeth.

Perhaps this is your way of showing him your strength has yet to reach its maximum level.

For a moment, he’s genuinely afraid of the one before him. And when you force yourself to hurl at him, he doesn’t have time to think before the sharp hairpin stabs him right against his side, allowing a cry of pain to leave his lips.

You don’t keep the hairpin in, forcing it out because you know pressure against a wound helps to keep the blood in. You want it out.

When you see Leehyun’s legs giving out, you take that opportunity to kick the doorknob off the door with a harsh and forceful kick, opening it with a loud bang, and without a moment of hesitation, you run and run, trying to remember the path Leehyun took when he brought you in here.

Along the run, you take a big leap, jumping to allow your hands to rope from underneath your legs in order to be held before you rather than behind. You take the knife that had been hidden under your now torn dress, cutting the stingy rope and returning the hairpin to hold your hair back in place.

Your dash is mad while your eyes frantically look around, trying to calculate every movement, recalling the memories of what you saw when you followed Leehyun down here. You can hear the thunder of Leehyun’s feet just behind you and know that getting lost will risk you your life.

You can’t die now, not yet. You still have people to kill and although you told Hoseok dying is trivial and you don’t care how or by who, you don’t wish to die at the hands of a predator. Not here, not in the maze of his basement. 

So you allow your brain to work, eyes snapping at every new corner that has a fork in the road, taking the turn you think you remember until eventually, you hear a call. Two calls.

“Y/N!”

“Y/N, where are you?!”

It’s Taehyung and Yoongi.

You never thought you’d ever say that you would be relieved to hear the voices of your ex-lovers again but here you are, body almost giving in at just the sound of their voices. But you know better than that. You know you aren’t safe just yet.

Luckily your brain hadn’t failed you and luckily you find the familiar silhouettes of your ex-lovers as you run and run, unable to slow down at any given moment. For now, they are your safety net, for now, you aren’t alone.

You run towards the warmth of their presence, letting out a breath of relief, when a hand snatches your hair and pulls you clean off your feet.

You let out your first yelp of pain as you go down and before Taehyung and Yoongi can take another step forward, you feel the head of a gun to your temple and watch as they visibly freeze on the spot.

The sight of you is alarming; the tight straps of your dress fallen over your shoulder, one of them snapped into two, a cut on your cheek, disheveled hair, the skirt of your dress torn to reveal your legs where one of them has a gash along your skin. You ran without shoes, heels long forgotten somewhere along the line, the soles of your feet shattered in cuts and swollen red.

You wince at Leehyun’s forceful fistful of your hair, teeth clenching tightly, and the two before you almost wince along with you.

“Should I just end it here?” Leehyun says, his lips so close to your ear it brings a chill down your body. You hate how cold it is here. “You came to kill me, didn’t you? So why don’t I bring you along to hell with me? We belong together after all. You’re mine.”

You scoff at those words, shaking your head in order to keep his lips away from your ear but he forces you back in an instant. “You’re sick,” you spit his way. “I was and will never be yours.”

“Darling, what did I say about talking back?” He grits his teeth as he says so, suppressing a fit of anger that takes in the form of his ripping your hair. You let out a strangled noise that causes the two the urge to do anything to take you away but they know one slight movement can potentially have the trigger pulled and they can’t risk that.

“You were always a good little girl,” Leehyun says, still trying to keep this relationship sane. “What happened to that, huh? You were mine to hold and do anything to. Why can’t you obey me in the way you had then?” He turns his attention to Taehyung as if recalling something, eyes flashing with anger and resentment towards the younger lad. “If it hadn’t been for your little bodyguard and Hyunjin, I would’ve had my way with you long ago.”

“That’s precisely why I never left her alone,” Taehyung grits out, eyes hardening as he levels his glare down at him.

“She’s mine to own, not yours.”

“She’s not a possession for you to make claims to.” A voice reaches them from the back and you can physically feel Leehyun freeze up against your back when a click is heard. Hoseok holds his gun right at the back of his head, no amount of hesitation in his eyes were Leehyun to do anything to you. “Get your hands off her,” he demands in a threatening growl and it almost triggers some lost memory your past self had once held so dearly to her heart but you do well to repress it back.

Someone else appears from the shadows; Hyunjin. He takes a step from behind Taehyung and Yoongi, a gun leveling his father’s way while the rest of them follow along, completely trapping Leehyun.

“Ah..” He realizes his defeat and lets the grip on your hair go, causing the tightness to finally release from his hold.

Hoseok watches as you scramble to your feet, a little limp in your legs taking hold when you stand either from the weakness or the gash, or both. Yoongi helps you stand tall and he hates the sight he sees before him. You look terrible.

It’s fortunate they got here in time otherwise Hoseok would never forgive himself. He remembered the second Taehyung realized the change in the air, Hoseok’s heartbeat accelerated hard against his chest, breath shortening, and before Seokjin can realize the change in him, he remembered to remain calm and not let the situation take the best of him.

He was angry at the things he heard through the device Taehyung held hidden against his clothes while with you in person, hated every moment Hoseok had to sit there, listening to the vile things Leehyun said and your voice whispered in turn, feigning interest. If he were in Taehyung’s place, he knows he would have never been able to hold restrain.

Perhaps it was best letting Taehyung go after all. For a moment he had been afraid, they all were, because they know how Taehyung is with people. He doesn’t like the crowd, avoids parties, and prefers his own personal space. As a hacker, he had no reason to leave his lab but it was because his face was less known to the public that forced him to take up the mission of being by your side.

The rest of them were more at risk of being found out, their faces more known whereas Taehyung was a secret.

He did a better job than Hoseok expected. Even through the intercom, he could feel Taehyung’s frustration and anger building up the longer he stayed by your side having to witness everything firsthand. He restrained himself even though Hoseok could tell he wanted to punch Leehyun many times, and during moments when the two of you were left alone in the guest room, Taehyung held himself together as he saw you. 

You were the victim but you held onto yourself well, projecting a font that doesn’t slip as easily as his anger does.

At night it’s a bit easier to see your more vulnerable side but even then you hold yourself together. In your mindless state, you silently yearn for a familiar hold only your Reapers can provide.

Hoseok wonders why you never cry for help, why you never scream or shout. Even in the years he was with you, you cried silently as if afraid a peep of sound will have punishment forced upon you. He hates your silence.

Hyunjin offers his gun to you but you shake your head, taking ahold of your knife instead.

Hoseok wants to give Leehyun a good, solid punch in the face for all the things he’s done to you but he knows he can’t do that. This is your fight after all, your battle, and it’s up to you whether you want to kill Leehyun with your own hands or if you want to ask Hyunjin to do the honors instead.

He’s in no place to kill him himself. So Hoseok keeps his gun pointed at the man, eyes watchful as they give you space.

You’re in control.

When you look at Leehyun, the old man’s eyes are silently begging for help, for your mercy, but you can only laugh at those words echoing into your ears.

“It will do well for you to apologize now,” you say into the silence, offering him a false chance. “Why don’t you apologize, Mr. Hwang?”

His eyes tell you he’d rather fall off a bridge and into a hot active volcano than level himself below you and ask for your forgiveness. He gets off power after all, and if that’s taken away from him, he’ll grow angry and throw a tantrum like a child would if they couldn’t get what they wanted.

He knows you won’t give him your forgiveness and he knows he will die anyway. That’s how this world works. Once you have bullets on the verge of piercing through your skull, you have no chance left to run no matter how much you beg.

But he falls shameless either way, in hysteria, because fear of death takes priority over the shameful feeling of apologizing to someone younger than you. He falls to the floor, crawling on his knees, begging for mercy with a chant that repeats again and again in your ears like a mantra.

You stare down at him as he worships the ground you stand on, head bowed forward in a shameless position, pleading and begging for you to spare his life. He has no shame, throwing away all his dignity to bow to you like a god in front of his son and Bangtan.

“Please Y/N. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“Please, I…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Why is that flashing in your thoughts right now? The sight of you leaning your head down in a shameless manner, the night you tore the ring off your finger?

Namjoon falls into your line of sight. He watches the scene unfold silently and you wonder what he’s thinking about. This is the first time you’ve had someone bowing and pleading before you and you feel absolutely no sympathy for him. But even you understand the difference this situation is from yours.

You had no idea what you were apologizing for because you had nothing to apologize for. Nothing was your fault yet you felt like everything was your fault. But for Leehyun? He has no idea what he’s apologizing for because he has everything to apologize for.

Everything is his fault yet you know he feels as if nothing is his fault.

It irritates you.

You hate the sound of his begging, the annoying voice, those annoying words that repeat over and over again without any source of sincerity behind them.

“You…you don’t even know what you’re apologizing for, do you?” You ask the pitiful man before you, anger and ire building up. You feel like a ticking bomb that will explode at any second. “You’ve never shown me any mercy so why should I show you mercy?”

“Th-that’s because..” Leehyun looks up, frantically searching for an answer when something pops into his head, and the begging stops as his eyes twist into something sinister. You’ve seen that before, an expression you’ve met and encountered with so many people throughout your years of surviving in this world. “That’s because you never stopped me,” he says and you blink at him, brows knitting.

“..What?”

He sits up as if a realization had hit him, his eyes sick and dark while the boys keep their eyes on him to make sure he doesn’t do anything rash, guns still readily pointed at him.

“That’s right, you..you never stopped me so why is any of this my fault? Did you ever beg me to stop? Did you ever scream for help? Now that I think about it, you must’ve liked it, didn’t you? You enjoyed it just as much as I did. You never went to your father for help, you never told anyone anything about the situation. If you really hated it, you would have done something but you didn’t.”

Ah, he’s really doing this. Trying to twist the situation, trying to gaslight you, even though he knows he only chose you as a victim because you wouldn’t do anything to go against him.

A silent little doll who only listened to the words of her father. If your father tells you to fight back, you’d do it. And if your father tells you to endure it, you’d let others hurt you. Leehyun was just a coward who wanted someone who would listen to his words without fighting back and you were the victim he preyed on.

A silent doll whose voice box was broken, unable to scream for help. He used that to his disposal.

“No one would believe you,” you hear his voice echo repeatedly in your head, the same words coming in and out in every situation he placed you in. If you had emotions, if you wanted to scream for help, he’d remind you over and over again that he could just manipulate the situation into letting others believe you came onto him instead, that you were a dirty little slut who would go for anyone.

You never called for help.

You didn’t care to call for help because you didn’t know how to call for help.

In the moment when you’re with him, your body felt nothing, lifeless, a corpse of some sort, the socket of your eyes void of light as if you weren’t human at all. But even then you understood to some extent that Hyunjin would believe you. He was the only one who would believe you, were you to open your mouth and let the words ring out.

You didn’t know him and he didn’t know you, but you shared a connection with how powerless the both of you were against your fathers, both forced into a position that almost required you to fall bound into an engagement. 

Hyunjin always treated you kindly no matter what. He never forced you to do anything, never stopped looking out for you. Your suspicion of his kindness was confirmed when he moved away with his father, leaving the country for you.

If you knew how to speak then, you would have told him “thank you” and you would have accepted the kindness and warmth he always wanted to provide you with.

“When you decide to let your thorns be known to the world, I hope you can come after my father and kill him yourself. I will wait for you until then.”

He was kind to the end, prepared at any moment to kill his father for your sake, for his sake, for both your sakes.

As if understanding just how sick and manipulative his father is, Hyunjin steps up with fierce anger flashing in his eyes, ready to tear his father down. But you stop with a look, shaking your head, telling him in your silent manner that he doesn’t have to fight his father for your sake.

“Come on, Y/N,” Leehyun takes a step forward, approaching you as the others fit into a defending stance in an instant, watching him closely without doing anything unless you signaled otherwise.

This is your fight, you’ve told them, and they aren’t allowed to meddle unless you say so.

Leehyun holds a hand out to your face, his finger gently grazing against the skin of your cheek while you stand there, not doing anything.

“Be a good girl, won’t you? Tell your people to leave. We’re fine, aren’t we? If you’re unsatisfied with something, all you have to do is tell me and I’ll fix it. You know I’d never do anything to hurt you. You’re my obedient little girl, aren’t you…princess?”

Princess.

As if on cue just by that small little nickname, your pupils dilate and something flashes before your eyes, the buried memories slowly but surely resurfacing back into your mind.

“Hello there. You’re very pretty, aren’t you?” An older gentleman who looks the same age as your father watches you with eyes that confuse you a bit. You don’t like it but who are you to act up?

“It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Hwang sir,” you bow your head before him in a respectful manner, polite and quiet.

“Yes…it is indeed.” He touches your hand in a gentle manner and brings it up to his lips, pressing a kiss on the back with eyes never leaving your face.

It’s weird. You feel strange.

Not the good kind of strange. Not at all.

“..Sir?”

“Keep calling me that,” he grins as he pats the top of your head with his other hand. “I quite like you calling me sir.”

“Sir,” you take a step back, retreating your hand, “your son and I–”

“No one has to know,” he says as he grabs your hand again with a little more force this time. The smile he gives you causes you to stare in slight horror, his words echoing in your head.

No one has to know.

No one has to know.

Who are you to refute that? Not when you’re taking a glance at your father and he does nothing to approach you from where he stands. You know he can see Leehyun and you know he knows what’s going on. 

He does nothing to move and tell you to get away from the man. Instead, he only looks away as if he doesn’t care.

He doesn’t care one bit.

‘Endure it,’ you hear the words without it needing to be said aloud, so you turn back to Leehyun with obedient eyes, no longer trying to force your hand away, and letting him in.

If father doesn’t care, why should you?

“What a good girl you are. You’ll never do anything to go against me, will you?”

“Such a good little princess.”

“You’re so pretty.”

“If you tell anyone about this, no one will believe you, you know that?” Whether Hyunjin cares or not does not matter. Nothing matters.

Just endure it.

Endure it.

“Does your father even love you? That’s alright, I can share my love with you instead.”

“Do you let Hyunjin hold you like this too?”

“Hyunjin doesn’t hold me like this.” Hyunjin doesn’t dare to do anything to hurt you. Even then you aren’t sure how to trust him. He shows you goodness by not doing anything to you but how do you trust when trusting only leads to your break?

“Of course he doesn’t. If he does, you’ll let me know, right?”

“...Yes sir.”

Endure it. Obey his words. Keep quiet. Keep quiet.

Quietquietquiet.

“What a good girl.”

“Sir-”

“It’s alright, just a little longer.”

Stop.

Stop it.

Stop it all.

Something shakes your core, your stability, your foundation, and your emotions. And all of a sudden, you feel something you’ve never felt before. All the emotions spiraling into one single wave, rushing down your body, building up so strongly and forcibly you tremble on sight, knife stabbing into his skin without warning.

Leehyun shouts in pain at the sudden intrusive pierce and when his hand reaches out to force you away, you pin him down by the legs, ignoring the pain shooting up on one side as if possessed by some sort of demon.

The boys all watch in horror when you carve your knife into Leehyun’s skin like a force working on its own, eyes staring widely with sealed lips like a silent killer who holds no emotion for her victims as the knife goes in and out. In and out. In and out. 

And it isn’t you anymore.

It isn’t you.

Die die die die die! Your thoughts repeat over and over and over. You hear his scream loud and clear as your arms work the tool into his body, the blood oozing out and painting your cheeks, your dress, your thighs, everywhere. It’s like a scene straight out of a horror movie as the rest of them watch on, eyes widened in shock at the sight of your merciless self stabbing the man even as he no longer cries and lays on the floor, clearly already dead.

The guns point down, arms releasing tension on them but they can’t take their eyes off you.

You thought you’d kill him slowly and painfully, so he can feel every little pain with his eyes wide open. You thought you’d give him a slow death, one where he’d suffer the most in the same way he had hurt you and made you suffer and endure.

But your body acts impulsively as the memories resurface and all you can do is continue on the action until someone has to rip your arm away, forcing your body off the man with the knife thrown far away from your grasp.

“Y/N, stop.”

You push Hoseok’s hands away, head spinning, eyes falling into a blur and it seems as if everyone in this room is against you and is out to harm you. Your mind falls clouded as the world falls all at once, emotions becoming unstable and suddenly you know you’re panicking.

Tremblingtremblingtrembling.

Where’s Mingyu?

Yuna?

Where are the Reapers? Why aren’t they here?

It’s hard to breathe. Can you breathe? Ah, how do you breathe again?

The memories horrify you as they fall back vividly and suddenly you remember all the times when you were left tortured as a kid, screaming, looking around for help but no one makes a move. No one helps no matter how hard you cried and begged.

No one’s on your side.

No one’s on your side.

Endure it, they tell you. You have to endure it all and everything will be okay. You just have to…you just have to endure it.

“Y/N!” Someone grabs ahold of both your shoulders forcefully.

“Y/N!” Seokjin shouted, ripping you from your state of panic.

Seokjin, it’s Seokjin.

You’re safe with Seokjin.

“I’m here, I’m here,” he repeats in a soft, soft whisper. Enough for you to hear. “It’s alright, Y/N, you’re safe now. No one’s going to harm you, I’m right here. Breathe, just focus on breathing, don’t focus on anything else right now.”

Seokjin.

As your vision narrows in on him, his face clearer with each blink you make, you remember the familiar face of your eldest lover.

Seokjin’s safe…right? He loved you once.

He loved you once.

Ah, but he left you too, just like everyone else in your life. But you don’t really have a choice, do you? He’s the only one in your sight, the only one safe for now.

With trembling hands, you grab onto his white dress shirt, the blood on your hands dirtying it with red as you look up at him with pleading eyes, and two soft, barely audible words escape your lips.

“..Save me.”

Your eyes turn blank, dull, a void walking right in, and the shaking disappears as you stare at nothing before you, as if your soul has just been snatched away from your body, the light in your eyes no longer in sight.

“Y/N?” Seokjin calls your name cautiously but you don’t hear him. You can’t hear anyone, not even yourself as your body falls into a state of void.

You feel nothing, like a lifeless corpse living in the body of a human.

💜💜💜

cry me a river | the hurting

— summary: you can break something in two seconds but it will take forever to heal

— pairing: bts x reader

— genre: angst, mafia!au

— word count: 6.3k

— warnings: nothing too bad here, just more descriptive and less dialogue

— PART 14 / previous post / masterpost

“Y/N?” Seokjin calls again but this time you put a hand behind you, palm meeting the cold floor, and scoot off Leehyun’s body as if the touch that you feel against your face is causing your body to scream at you and turn away. He realizes that even in your current state, there is an underlying fright you feel towards his touch.

And perhaps it isn’t particularly his touch. It isn’t. Because when you scoot back and hit the foot of Hyunjin, they see you flinch. You stop moving to do anything, sitting still as if giving up, as if a fear has settled against you in which moving any more will bring you down a path that will cause you more grief and pain.

Hoseok had been frightened for a moment, afraid he had done something wrong when he reached out to you and you pushed him away while accepting Seokjin instead. But seeing you now, perhaps what you needed was just a moment of peace, someone to be put in your line of sight, someone familiar.

You asked Seokjin to save you, not from Leehyun because he’s already dead, but the fear of the unknown, the things that frighten you the most, the things only you truly know of, and as if your body couldn’t handle any more stress, it has forced you into a state where you can feel nothing.

“I’ll take care of upstairs,” Hyunjin states into the dead silence that had walked in. He doesn’t want to leave you but with how you are now, he knows anyone who reaches out to you will just cause your body more distress. If he can’t help here, he can help elsewhere.

Namjoon sends him a thankful nod before he takes off, footsteps hurried as they rush away. 

“Call Mingyu, let the Reapers know what happened,” the boss gives an order to which Jimin instantly reaches for his phone. You remain seated on the floor, staring blankly at nothing before you and Namjoon kneels down to take his blazer off to drape it around your shoulders, careful in his approach and making sure he doesn’t touch you in the slightest. He catches the sight of the gash on your leg, a small furrow in his brows at another scar that crawls up your right leg. Wherever you got that from, he’s sure that must have hurt but for now, you need medical attention on the one you’ve just received. 

Unfortunately, none of them can touch you now. You may look compliant but something tells him if any of them were to try, you’ll only be forced into a state that will have the horrifying memories crawl back up.

He can’t have that.

When he looks over your head to find Seokjin still watching over you, the two of them share a glance of conflicting eyes, unsure of what to think about all of this.

Seokjin can see the cuts you received from whatever happened during your lone moment with Leehyun. The guy must have had men coming at you, forcing you to fight against them on your own. He sees the red marks wrapped around your wrists and ankles, realizing Leehyun must have tied you up at some point.

Did you fight with your limps bounded by the ropes? From the looks of it, they must’ve been the really painful ones, the ones that hurt easily at even the slightest movement in order to prevent any sort of escape. Even under the makeup, he can see how tired you are, drained, as your eyes slowly blink.

You must want to sleep, your body desiring rest after a long, frightful day, yet at the same time you remain alert as if aware there are people around you and because of that, you can’t let your guard down just yet. Not until the alarms against your body finally disappears.

Ten years.

Ten years of your disappearance and here you are before them, left broken and tattered, the life of struggle so clear on your face. You’ve found people to remain loyal by your side but even then there will always be a part of you, a voice in your head that warns you to never trust again, that you can’t unless you want to live. To survive.

Is this all their doing? Does it have to do with something much darker? Much deeper? Or maybe it’s both.

Seokjin can only guess because you’d never tell them otherwise. He could try and ask your Reapers but with how deep their loyalty flows, he doubts they’d give him an answer either. And perhaps they don’t even have all the answers that will satisfy his questions. No matter who tries to understand you, there will always be no one close enough to understand everything about you. There will always be a part of you that you keep a secret.

There are questions swarming in his head, one too many to count. Because once a question has been made, there will always be varying questions that follow that, and then others that follow those ones.

Yet all of them begin with one thing; why did you kill your father?

There’s something more to what you’re telling, he’s sure of it. No one would kill their father just because they were bored. Even if something did happen to you to cause you to no longer feel any emotions, he knows you wouldn’t just kill your father just because it was convenient. You never desired power as much as the people Seokjin can name so it can’t be for the sake of that. Perhaps power helped, surely it did, but there’s something else there that he can only guess the answer to.

Yet he doesn’t dare to.

Mingyu comes in a minute later with Dasom along his side, and in an instant she’s right by your side, forcing Namjoon and Seokjin to make space for you.

They see the way Mingyu stands back, just observing and letting Dasom be the sole person to approach you. So if even Mingyu refuses to approach you now, they know it must definitely be men your body calls alarms to. All of this is Leehyun’s fault. The things he did, they can only imagine, but it must’ve been that bad if your body has forced you into this state and only allowing familiar feminine hands to touch you.

“Boss?” Dasom calls for you, her hand reaching out to you carefully as the rest of them watch with hawk eyes. When she holds your face and you do nothing to push her away, she takes it as permission for her to touch you. With a thumb lightly brushing against your cheek, Dasom frowns at the sight of the cut on your skin. “I’m here now,” she assures with gentle words. “If anything stings, if you can’t take the pain, just tug on my shirt, yeah?” She takes your hand so you can feel the hem of her shirt, letting your fingers take hold of it.

She leaves you be after a heartbeat, eyes scanning over your body, and begins to tend to your injuries with light approaches to make sure she doesn’t accidentally hurt you. Dasom doesn’t have the medical skills like that of a doctor but she’s picked up some knowledge ever since you first showed signs of being in this familiar state.

Mingyu gave her some basic tips, Yeonjun guiding her through, and for some time it had been only her and Yuna who could touch you and tend to you when you’re like this. Even sending you to a female doctor didn’t help because they had to be female, yes, but they also had to be people you were familiar with.

You’re smart, IQ excelling better than the average human, so even in this state, you understand whose hands are familiar and whose hands are foreign. That’s why when Lisa walked into your life and you allowed her heart to turn to you, Mingyu didn’t hesitate to let her join the team. She was younger but knowledgeable, a medic your father forced into this life.

“There.” Dasom pats the white bandage around your leg once she finishes and takes your hand which remains on the hem of her shirt. You tugged on it at least two times, obeying and compliant, and she gives you a small squeeze of care. “We’ll have Lisa look after you when we get back to the hotel, yeah? When do you want to return, boss?”

When they watch you, they hadn’t expected you’d reply but you do, lips prying open with a single word uttered out; “..home.”

It’s small, quiet, but they hear it.

You want to return home, home to where Korea is, where headquarter lies, where your mansion remains upstanding and tall. Home in the comfort of safety and no one has to look in otherwise the Reapers will take care of them. Home where the rest of them are, watching over you so you don’t have to worry about anything else.

“Alright boss, we’ll go home soon.”

“Home.” You tug at her shirt, a little more forceful than when you were tugging at them when her tending to you had stung. You shake your head, the features on your face marking with extreme distress. You don’t like the word soon. You’d rather go home now. “Home.”

It’s the only word you can say but Dasom understands. She understands your desperation in wanting to let her know that going home soon isn’t what you want to do. You want to go home now.

“Okay, okay,” she complies because there’s no other choice, not when they want your heart to beat as steady as possible. “Okay, we’ll go home. We’ll go home.”

Dasom presses a hand to the back of your head, bringing you forward to lean against the warmth of her hold. You let her touch you, let her hold you, and when your face is turned away and hidden against her shoulder, she injects something into your arm. In just mere seconds, your body relaxes and falls limply against her body.

Luckily Yeonjun came prepared to give you a serum that would force you into sleep. In this way, you won’t have to worry about anything. In this way, your body doesn’t have to go through any more stress than it already has.

When Dasom stands up with you held in her arms, she takes a moment to meet her underboss’s eyes first. Mingyu gives her a brief nod, appreciative of her presence and work before the both of them turn towards Bangtan.

“Thank you for upholding your promise,” Mingyu says and they both bow their heads before them.

Namjoon responds with only a nod, unsure of what else to say in this situation but his words aren’t needed when they turn, walking away without another word, leaving the rest of them to watch in silence.

It’s strange how quiet Mingyu is. He usually doesn’t say much in their presence, but it’s odd in the way that he isn’t saying anything about you or to you. He doesn’t react anything differently, his eyes don’t widen, he doesn’t shout at them for their failed part in not leaving you alone with Leehyun, nor does he even approach you with frantic worry. He cares for you deeply, that’s something they cannot refute, but for someone who cares for another as much as Mingyu does, his reaction is rather strange.

As if this side of you is something he’s seen before — or something he’s used to seeing.

Perhaps through all the things you’ve gone through, Mingyu has already seen it all and so all he does now is react accordingly. He doesn’t show unnecessary concern because he knows what’s going to happen to you afterwards, only acting when needed and knowing what to do as if on instincts.

If he can be so calm in such a situation, just how much has he seen?

“What’s wrong?” The sight of Taehyung looking uncomfortable catches Jimin’s attention and upon the question, the rest of them turn to find the gentleman staring at Leehyun’s body. The marks you left would be horrifying to anyone who isn’t used to gore and he wonders how you could have grown so violent to inflict such acts upon another human like this.

The last he remembered of you, a simple gun frightened you so much you trembled and couldn’t even close your eyes without wanting to tear yourself apart. Things are different now but even then he never knew you could change this much.

“I…” He turns from the body, hands balling into a fist with a look of displeasure and discomfort marking his features. He regrets something and hates himself for it. “I didn’t uphold my promise,” he says, a reminder that he left you alone to Leehyun when Mingyu made it clear to not ever do that. Taehyung understood the underlying warning in your underboss’s words but still, he failed you.

He looked away, had you go into a room with Leehyun, and lost sight of you. Whatever happened down the other end of where he and Yoongi walked in from, he’s sure it isn’t good. Luckily you didn’t look like you were triggered but the bruised markings decorated on your wrists and ankles let him know that you must’ve been bounded and attacked.

“If you’re blaming yourself for that then it’s entirely my fault for allowing Y/N to not let us follow her,” Namjoon states in a clear voice, his hand pressed upon Taehyung’s shoulder with a small squeeze. “Though in all honesty, something like this was bound to happen whether we intervened or not.” He knows because Mingyu didn’t berate them for their failed part of the mission.

Perhaps in his wishes of them staying by your side at all times, he also knew it would be an impossible task as you yourself would push yourself to the limit just for a completed mission.

And no one was allowed to stop you.

Namjoon turns at the body of Leehyun laying on the floor when a few of Hyunjin’s men walk in to clean up the mess. He begins to command out orders, pointing to the end of the opposite hall from where they came from, knowing something must be there from where you ran from. The place Leehyun brought you to probably has more bodies that you’d dealt with.

They tell him it’s a maze that only the boss and Hyunjin, as well as a number of trusted men know how to navigate through. Yoongi’s brows furrow at that, reminded of the way you ran towards them with no problem. Did it really take you one run-through of the maze for you to memorize the twist and turn on where to escape to?

Hyunjin returns to their side then and the seven of them are led through the area with his lead. The maze is indeed a place hard to navigate through especially if you’ve never been here before but you managed to make it to the exit high on adrenaline and panic.

At the end of the maze stands a door held ajar, the golden knob broken and barely holding on from the door, and when they step into the room, they find men sprawled on the floor under the dim flickering light of a simple lightbulb hanging onto a single string from the ceiling.

Ten men to be exact, all built with nothing but muscles, lay lifeless on the floor with no signs of a pulse on any of their bodies. Did you do this? It almost sounds impossible but the evidence lies right before their eyes whether they’d like to believe it or not. There is evidence of ropes on the floor, just like the one they found on the ground of the maze they just walked through, telling them that not only did you take care of these men but you did so with limps bounded.

“She’s incredible,” Hyunjin marvels at the sight of the room, “I never knew she was this…powerful.”

Neither did they.

You’re incredibly strong and smart, but it only brings them with more uncertainty as they think about how and why you could have possibly turned out like this. Some people give in to the suffering and pain they go through while others are forced to work on themselves, reaching levels higher than the average person who hasn’t been through any tough ordeal.

“Hyung..” They all turn at the voice of the maknae, instinctively alert at the call and unsure of who he’s specifically addressing, but they guess with the way Jungkook looks toward Namjoon that it has to be him he’s calling out for. His features mark with distress, a look of discomfort as he bites against his lower lip. “Y/N…something’s wrong with her.”

Yeah.

That’s the only conclusion they can come up with.

.

.

.

You were a gifted child no one thought to pay attention to — or rather they underestimated your potential all because you were born a girl.

You sit in your room alone, on the floor, as you wrap your arms around your knees, pressing them up against your chest with your chin propped up against your forearms. Everything is silent, just the way you’re used to, just the way you’ve been forced to your whole life.

Father was always good at picking up gifted kids, he brought the Reapers to life after all, but unfortunately for him, many of them betrayed him for his only daughter, the very person he hated the most in this life. He saw their potential, picked them up from the trash society that discarded them away, and forced them into his submission. You’re sure that if he treated them well, they would have given their loyalty to him instead.

But he didn’t and that was one of his many mistakes.

He had keen eyes for finding such talents and breathed life into their forms. He made them into the ruthless killers that they are today, able to serve you well without an ounce of hesitation in their bones. 

Just like how he made you.

It was your trauma and hatred for your father that brought you and the Reapers together to form an alliance. You saved them from their torment, promised them a better life so as long as they listened to your wishes and lived through the pain inflicted by your father. They saw you as their savior, a light in the darkness, and Mingyu was the one to make sure everyone’s lips were sealed and kept to themselves without caring to save you.

You didn’t care about being saved, you didn’t want them to save you.

You’re sure that during the line down the road of serving your father while secretly keeping loyalty to you, there were more than a few times they wanted to discard their words in hopes of saving you from your father. Perhaps it was their way of repaying you for what you had done, perhaps it was their sense of morals, but either way, you knew more than anyone that in the hopes of saving you, they’d only kill you.

You couldn’t be saved. 

Not by them, not by anyone. Because if they tried, everyone would die and your plans would all be for naught. Mingyu made sure they knew that and only kept the Reapers who understood that. Luckily everyone knew the rules and luckily no one struck out in the slightest temptation.

Father had keen eyes for gifted kids.

His only failure was not seeing your own potential because he hated you. That was his first mistake.

If he had used you well, he wouldn’t have died by your very own hands. He always saw you as inferior, someone too weak for the world, and forced you into submission when you should have been the one who stood by his side and worked with him.

He kept you as a puppet, giving out demands after demands, driving you into dangerous missions after missions, thinking, hoping, praying for the news of your death to come when he’s in the middle of filling out paperwork and his only response would be a shrug. But unfortunately for him, your death never came.

He should have seen the signs then but he was too blinded by his hatred for you to see.

Father should have known you were smart. How could a fourteen years old with no previous knowledge of anything escape the clutches of a thirty-something years old man who had all the experience in the world? Daejung was a powerful man not only for his strength but for his brain. If you were a simple fourteen years old girl, you would have never been able to see through his traps and escape the very first night you saw your chance.

Yet father never picked up on anything and only uttered the words “four days. you’re weak.”

Maybe in another life, if father were smarter he’d be able to use you to your full potential and when that moment comes, you’d have never been able to escape his clutches. But in this life, things are different and you’re glad for your father’s blindness.

Because in his ignorance towards you, you were able to build up a whole team of Reapers who only followed you, who would never betray you should a moment come, and who will follow you down a path of hell without hesitation. He never saw your plan of betraying him, never knew you were capable of gathering his own allies to turn against him, never thought you would ever shoot a bullet straight through his head.

He was aware of everything else around him except his very own daughter. But for the sake of pretending to be submissive to him, you hurt in the process.

How long since you woke from your broken state? How long since you’ve shut yourself from the world, from everyone including your Reapers? How long since you’ve last eaten, since you’ve last slept? You can’t tell with your blackout curtains blocking away any sunlight just outside the windows but you’re sure it’s been enough time.

Though you know your Reapers are concerned for you, they don’t knock on the door, don’t try to pry themselves into your life. They know not to do anything unless you let them in, until you let them take care of you again. But until then, they worry in their own times, brows furrowing when the food they’ve left outside your door is untouched, when your room remains closed and locked, when no sounds are heard during times when they’ll walk by quietly, knowing not to disturb you.

You don’t let anyone in, not even Yuna.

But if you aren’t calling for Yuna or Mingyu then it means that you’re alright enough to not have a mental breakdown. They have comfort in knowing at least that.

Bangtan has visited a few times, especially Hoseok. He doesn’t go near your door, hoping you don’t get triggered by anything, not wanting to upset you. Mingyu keeps any updates about you vague, only uttering the words “she’ll be okay” and nothing more, nothing less.

Hoseok accepts it even though he should ask more questions, even though he should know more. Because out of everyone who has shown concern, he’s the only one worthy enough to know even if that sort of information is something Mingyu can never reveal. You’ll get genuinely angry at him otherwise and that’s a sight Mingyu never wants to be on the receiving end of.

When Hoseok visits, he sits in the living room where you usually meet your guests. Sometimes he’ll sit alone, sometimes Mingyu will be there to converse with him. He’ll sit on the sofa sipping the tea that’s been prepared because in the Reaper’s manor, no one drinks coffee. Tea is the only drink that can calm your nerves down so they don’t need coffee in this house.

Ever so often his eyes will flick to the door as if he’s hoping for something. Will the door ever open to reveal the very person he comes to visit? Will you walk in and finally present yourself to him? And when you do, how will you look? Will you have bags under your eyes as a sign of your unrest? Will you conceal that with makeup or will you not care to put anything on because it’s annoying?

You mentioned before that putting on makeup is a hassle. You don’t like the way it feels on your skin and you hate the process of taking it off. It feels weird afterward, as if your skin isn’t clean. He knows that sometimes you enjoy decorating your eyes, experimenting with them, but most days you’ll leave your face bare as you roam around the house, liking the feel of nothingness on them.

That’s why you hate having to attend parties. Parties require dressing up and wearing makeup. You hate the way people eye you whenever you’re in the crowd trying to blend in. You can never blend in. Yoongi always told you you were like a butterfly among the moths, a bright beacon that attracts them, so how can anyone take their eyes off you?

You don’t like the fancy clothes, the dresses that reveal more of your skin. You hate the attention. You hate the crowd.

“I’m not too fond of these types of dresses,” he remembers you saying the other night. It made him smile because it sounded like you were complaining, as if what happened in those past years was nothing but a fever dream.

But he knows it isn’t a fever dream, not when he’s sitting in the middle of your living room reliving the events of what happened in London, waiting for your arrival and only becoming disappointed in the end.

Your game of revenge is a game that plays with your emotions, provoking you through and through, shakes your resolve, breaks your mind, and tears you down to the tiniest pieces. You hold yourself well in front of others, concealing everything that creates you, and that’s why your body forced itself to shut down and display an emotion of void; it knows you’re afraid of breaking down before others and it knows when you’ve had enough.

Your body is the only force that can stop you on your mission of revenge, but how much longer will he have to watch to finally see you too far gone? Will anyone be able to stop you then before it’s too late?

“You should head back.” Hoseok looks up at Yuna who will forever have that black blindfold around her eyes.

When she addresses him, she speaks to him in a manner different from when she faces the rest of the boys. She’s more guarded around them, voice always on edge, but with him, she saves him the effort and results in a less guarded expression.

Yuna reminds him of a loyal beast. She’s soft and gentle when she stands before you, addressing you kindly without even the tiniest amount of hostility. She trusts you completely and cares for you in the most tender ways. But when someone does you wrong, when she faces the people that aren’t good for you, she will bear her fangs and stand before you, guarding everything that you are without hesitation.

She knows who to let in and who to shut out and Hoseok is one of the people she puts a bit of trust in.

He guesses that must be because he’s one of the few people in your life that never went out of his way to betray your trust.

He’s thankful for it but a part of him will always be torn between you and the boys. It was wrong of them to put him in a situation where he had to choose but that’s why you left. You left not only for yourself but you left for him. Because you knew that if Hoseok had known anything that he didn’t know then, it would have caused a rift in the relationship and he knows you would have never forgiven yourself if that were to ever happen.

You left so he didn’t have to choose.

At first, it broke him. Your leaving made him hate the boys so much and caused him to distance himself away from them. He can’t count the many times he was almost tempted to have grabbed the keys of his car and ride into your driveway, demanding you back. He wanted to meet you again and ask for forgiveness.

But what did he have to apologize for? He wasn’t the one at fault and you knew that.

Only until a few months into the divorce did Hoseok finally forgive himself just a bit. He realized that even though you were forced to leave, you still did it willingly as well. If you saw him then you’d tell him to make up with the boys, that you wouldn’t want to be the reason their love fell apart.

So he reconciled with them for you. A part of him would never forgive them for what they did but he still loved them dearly and he knew that losing them would cause him more grief. So he returned to them before it was too late, all the while crying because even though he returned, his heart could never be filled to the brim. There was always something missing and that missing piece was you.

Hoseok stands from the sofa and walks off like a routine but rather than going past the door as usual, he pauses for a moment. Yuna turns to him expectedly, knowing he has something to say.

“Thank you for taking care of her all these years,” he says, and when he walks off again, Yuna can only look towards the floor, hating every bit of the situation.

You never told her much of the details of your relationship, just very vague snippets of your love life, but she does recall you calling for Hoseok at times when you dream. When you speak of him, you always tell her that nothing was his fault because even though he wanted to save you and mend the relationship, you wouldn’t have let him.

You were glad he never came after you, glad he stayed with the boys in the way you forced him to. Hoseok would have had to choose a side if you hadn’t left so you never regretted leaving for the sake of your healing and for the sake of his.

Yuna knows that if Hoseok ever knew about the truth about your father, he would have never let you go. Will he ever find out though? Will you ever allow him the privilege? And if you ever do, how will he take it? She knows he will only regret things more.

Yuna turns from him to walk down the opposite hall of where he is, only to freeze in place when she feels another presence.

“My lady?”

You stand still from where you are, dressed in a white nightgown as you stare at the back of the one man who trusted and loved you when it felt like the whole world was against you. Luckily Yuna kept her voice low so he doesn’t have a chance of hearing and turning around.

You don’t want him to turn around.

In your heart, Hoseok is the one that got away, the soulmate whom you loved at the wrong time, your tragic fate. Perhaps in another lifetime, you could make up and you won’t have to worry about any other factor. Perhaps in another lifetime, you can love again.

In this life, you don’t trust yourself to love again. If Hoseok still cares, if Hoseok still loves you, you know that even then you won’t be able to stay with one another. For one thing, he has the others and you’re too selfless to take him away from them even if you hate them for what they did to you. Because Hoseok did nothing wrong and he doesn’t deserve to be torn between a bridge. You can’t take his people away from him so you decide to suffer instead.

“I want..a bath,” you tell Yuna, words beginning to form slowly after going days without using your voice. Dasom told you you can only communicate in one-word forms when you’re in a state where your body has shut down and you can feel nothing. They’ve learned to understand you, a skill they’ve picked up because there’s no one else to put in the effort.

Your Reapers will always do all that they can to help you.

Yuna gives you a nod. “I’ll call Dasom,” she says.

You know she’s concerned and wants to ask you questions. Are you okay? How do you feel? But she leaves it be for now because you’ve come out of your room. You’re walking with a limp and you’re bringing yourself slowly back into the light.

That’s enough for her.

She just knows she’ll have to order someone to prepare your food later. But for now, she calls for Dasom and the two of them lead you back into your room. Yuna runs the water warm and Dasom helps you into the tub so you don’t slip on your unsteady legs. They remain by your side as you sit in the bathtub, lost in thoughts while Dasom runs her hands through your hair, scratching lightly for the shampoo to run white and foamy.

“Why was Hoseok here?” You ask them after a few moments of silence. Your voice is a bit rough around the edges as it tries to get used to speaking again after going silent for days.

Yuna hesitates to answer. “He..comes around often. Ever since we returned.”

“Why?”

“He was worried,” she says simply and you pull your knees further into your chest, the ripple of the water felt against your naked skin.

You never wanted any of them to see you in such a state but you guess it was better than breaking down uncontrollably, an intimate moment you rarely even show the Reapers except Mingyu. Your body probably understood that, hence it stopped you just as you begged Seokjin to save you.

Ah.

You can’t believe you did that.

Leehyun triggered your senses but you can’t believe you actually turned to Seokjin and clung to him, asking him to save you. If only it had been Hoseok who grabbed you, maybe then you’d feel less uncomfortable and discontent with the fact that you showed such a weakness towards the people who never deserved it.

It leaves you bitter thinking about it.

Still, would you actually be more content with turning to Hoseok instead?

“Thank you for taking care of her all these years,” his words echo in your head when you decided to finally leave your room and take a walk, only to find out Hoseok had been here possibly waiting for your arrival.

If you had turned to Hoseok and asked him to save you instead, you don’t think you’d be able to take his reaction in. You remember the moment you stopped going to Hoseok all those years ago, when you stopped trying to rely on him. It was the moment you knew you had to prepare yourself for being alone again, when everything was falling apart and you didn’t want him regretting anything in the end.

You didn’t reach out to him, you didn’t ask for his help, and during your last moment with him, you asked him to let you go.

“I’m tired,” you said. And you remember the way he broke at those words.

In the end, he allowed you to go because those words carried so much weight to him. You were tired, tired of everything, and even though he wanted to save you, you weren’t going to allow him. So he stepped back and cried as you stepped away for one last time, never to return ever again.

If you had asked Hoseok to save you, if you had been selfish at that moment and turned to him rather than push him away, you don’t know what you’d do knowing you’d hurt him.

You don’t want to give Hoseok any false hope because you know you aren’t capable of loving again. If it takes only two seconds to break something then it’ll take a lifetime to heal and you know that you aren’t going to heal.

As long as you live to seek for revenge, you won’t heal.

You can’t have them both at the same time so rather than healing, you choose vengeance.

.

.

.

When Hoseok walks into Namjoon’s office as he usually does when he returns from his visit, he momentarily freezes in place at the tension that fills up the space.

The boys are all in the room, faces filled with grim. Taehyung’s looking at the floor, his eyes shaking from one place to another, not able to stay still while Jimin bites his lower lip and Jungkook fiddles with his fingers, a sign of anxiety running through their thoughts.

When he walks into the room, Yoongi looks away from him, not meeting his eyes, while Seokjin has his arms crossed against his chest, a small shake of his head when Hoseok eyes him with a question.

“What’s wrong?” He asks the room, moreso directed at the boss.

Namjoon meets his gaze with a look of distress and anger, ire and hurt flashing in his eyes as he holds onto a piece of letter with his veins popping into visibility. “Jungwon’s dead,” he utters. “He’s been dead.”

💜💜💜

cry me a river | the cruel and the fool

— summary: nothing hurts more than trying your absolute best and still not being good enough

— pairing: bts x reader

— genre: angst, mafia!au

— word count: 8.8k

— warnings: a brief moment y/n almost has her ptsd triggered — brief mention of leehyun, toxic thoughts/acts [[ to anyone who might be afraid/cautious of reading this chapter, to be honest i don't think this chapter is too bad as compared to a few previous chapters, namjoon doesn't actively trigger y/n's ptsd of leehyun, but if you don't wish to read this chapter (or any other chapters for reasons), you can always send me an ask and i will gladly explain what's going on in hopes of not wanting to miss anything ]]

— PART 15 / previous post / masterpost

“Y/N?”

You look up with a startle, taking in a sharp intake that forces you to flinch, and when you turn around at the familiar calling of your name, you have to take a moment to compose yourself so that you don’t instinctively take a step back at the man before you.

Mingyu stands steady on his feet and you almost crumble at the fact that he called you Y/N and not boss because boss means you’re okay, you’re fine, you can take everything that’s coming at you, you can control it, control everything. But Y/N means you can’t. You’re not fine, you’re falling into disorder and you’re ruining yourself.

Y/N means you’re losing control. 

As if he understands just how much the effect of his word has caused you, Mingyu steps up from where he stood, keeping a good distance between the two of you and you hate the fact that today he hesitates to come to you.

There are days when you feel guilty for scaring them, for forcing them to abide by all that you are, to accommodate your needs, and forcing their way of thinking to quickly act just because you’re weak and you can’t do anything by yourself. There are days when you hate yourself more than you do on normal days, when you can see it in your Reapers’ expressions just how concerned they are.

They never look at you as if you are a monster, as if you’re some insignificant robot built up by your father in the same way everyone looks at you. They don’t look at you as if you’re just a puppet who holds no feelings, as if anyone and everyone can do anything and everything to you and you won’t hurt.

They know you hurt.

They know you hurt more than anyone.

Even in this room in a building filled with people who only want what’s best for you, you feel yourself trembling as you hold everything in, unable to scream, to cry for help, because all your life you’ve been shown that calling out gives you nothing in return. Even as you know your Reapers would never do such a thing to you, even as you know more than anyone that they’d come to you in a split second were you to utter the simple whisper of “help,” you don’t dare to.

You’re scared.

Scared.

So you tremble as you hold in the cry, falling completely silent, and it breaks you to do so.

“Y/N.” Mingyu calls again with a little more warmth, with a bit more comfort, and filled with a little less anxiety and fear. He calls you softly, a gentle expression plastered on his face when you look up with another startle, the serene on his features shocking you a bit.

He calls your name with care and if you knew how to cry, perhaps you’d be bawling your eyes out like a newborn baby, letting your tears out uncontrollably without a care in the world because you know there will be people who will do all that they can to ease your heart once again.

He calls you with such a tender gentleness it reminds you of the way Mister Butler used to call for you, the way Hoseok called for you.

Mingyu, Mister Butler, and Hoseok, all three different souls built in the same egg; the shell, the egg white, and the yolk.

Mister Butler was your protection, the very one who kept your innocence safe, the very one who held onto your hopes and dreams, keeping them safe in the warmth of his arms. When he left, you lost all of that; your innocence, hopes, and dreams. Years later Hoseok took his place, providing you with love. He gave you the happiness you sought for when you were with Mister Butler, a promise the two of you made with the linking of your pinkies. Mister Butler was the first to break his promise and you broke it soon after, leaving Hoseok who kept your love in the warmth of his arms, losing your love and happiness.

Then came Mingyu walking into the picture. You aren’t sure how it happened, when you began seeking out for the warmth of his arms, but perhaps it was always there, like how it was just meant to be in the same way it was natural to rely on Mister Butler and Hoseok’s warmth.

When he sees you shaking uncontrollably but keeping your silence and peace, Mingyu simply opens his arms as if saying; “It’s okay. You can come to me when you’re scared. I know you’re scared.”

And it reminds you of the way you used to go to Hoseok. He was always the first person you sought out whenever something frightful had shaken your core and you couldn’t handle things by yourself. It was always Hoseok.

When you let yourself go to Mingyu, when he engulfs you in his arms and when you lean into his chest, ears pressed against the resounding beat of his heart, you allow your mind to rest as you let your eyes flutter closed, legs giving in as he holds you on the floor in the middle of the living room.

This is your foundation. Your calm, your control.

This is your Mingyu.

When it finally comes to the day he leaves your life, you wonder how that will be. Will he leave you in the same way Mister Butler left you? Or will you leave him in the same way you left Hoseok? Both of them were out of your control, and both of them you were forced to cut ties with. You wonder if one day Mingyu will grow tired of you or if one day his loyalty will take him too far and he’ll die for you.

You don’t want him to leave. Not now, not ever.

If he leaves, who will you have? He’s your last one, the very person who’s holding onto your breaking pieces so you don’t completely crumble. Mister Butler was your protection, Hoseok was your love, and Mingyu is your foundation.

You don’t want to lose another one, another solace. You don’t want to lose your last one. Because you know after Mingyu, there will be no one left to take care of you in the way the three of them had. If you lose him you think it’ll probably be the last of your control. If you lose your Reapers, you know you won’t ever be able to pick yourself up again.

They can’t save you in the same way you’ve saved them but still, you’ve come to rely on them in more than one way. They’re the only ones keeping you afloat in this deep, deep sea. The only ones keeping your broken pieces together.

“Something’s wrong,” you whisper into the silence after a long, long time. “...I can feel it. There’s another storm coming, Mingyu.” You’re limp against his chest, body unable to keep its strength up just like all those other times when you lay against him. Perhaps you’re hurting him with your weight, perhaps his body’s cramping up in some ways but Mingyu doesn’t dare move. “I don’t want it to come.”

He knows you’re scared, he can feel it.

“What would you like us to do?” He asks, softly, in order to keep you sane, to have control over your situation in just the slightest bit when it feels like everything is falling apart. He lets you regain control for a moment, just like the building foundation that he is.

“...Stay,” you say. “Just…stay.”

And so he remains there for another hour longer to help you breathe a little easier, to help ease your heart, to calm the storm that had risen against your chest. It is only when Yeonjun comes in do you finally separate.

“I have your tea ready, boss,” he says when he walks in.

You’re weak and unable to walk on your own, body barely even able to step away from Mingyu so the two of them help you get off him. Yeonjun takes over the base, becoming the stepping stool that you need. He takes you in his arms while you make no protest, head turned to lay against him like a rag doll who holds no strength left in her body.

And when the young genius takes you out the door on his own, Dasom emerges to have a look into the living room, her face blank as she takes in the figure who remains seated on the floor, eyes looking lost in thoughts.

“Is your heartbeat that calming?” She asks into the silence, breaking Mingyu out of his daze as he looks up with a calm expression. “Boss always calms down the second she hears your heartbeat. Makes me wonder if you ever have moments when you aren’t calm and your anxiety takes precedence.”

He chuckles lightly, a rueful smile curling along his lips. “If I ever let the situations get the best of me, I’d lose my role as her foundation, and then what would happen? Have her suffer even more without being allowed a moment of calm?” He looks at her with furrowed brows, hand balling into a fist. “If I ever allow myself to become weak, I’d hurt her and that’s the one thing we cannot ever allow to happen. Y/N needs her moment of peace. Even if that moment lasts for just one second, if I can’t be her calm among the storm…she’d break.”

“But then what about you?” Dasom asks, her features marked with concern for someone else other than you, and Mingyu realizes it’s probably the first time she’s ever allowing her worries to show so openly.

“It doesn’t matter.” He picks himself off from the floor, averting his gaze as if avoiding his emotions. “As long as I’m alive, I live as her foundation. If I can’t do my job well, there’s no point in any of this.” As he walks by to leave, Mingyu takes a moment to pause beside her, putting a hand on the blade of her shoulder. “Even if we can’t save her, we can still give her room to breathe. If I ever rip that calm away from her…I’d never be able to live with myself.”

He walks away before Dasom can say anything else.

.

.

.

A blue vintage corset with a pretty white skirt that flows all the way to your ankles, accompanied by a matching blazer draped over your shoulders while your hair stays up by a white claw clip, you walk down the hall of the art museum all on your own, paying close attention to every painting presented on the wall at each of your sides.

You keep your eyes keen and open with arms crossed against your chest while your heels click from underneath you. All the guests in the building are common innocents who’re here simply for their own pleasures. You’re here for a different reason.

“..Miss?” 

Your heels stop clicking at the call of the hesitant voice behind you, already falling on your guard, and when you slowly turn around at the person, you find a young man you aren’t too familiar with.

“I apologize, you looked vaguely famil…” Your eyes narrow his way as he trails off as if trying to put an image to his memories, just before something in him clicks when his eyes widen. “Are you..the Reaper?” You keep your expression unreadable, remaining blank, and when it looks like you won’t answer his question, he goes to speak some more. “The scythe earrings,” he says, pointing at the silver dangles on each of your ears, “you..killed my uncle.”

Huh.

“So what? Looking for a chance to kill me now, are you?”

“No!” He quickly says and you fix your gaze towards the side at his sudden outburst, knowing the bystanders have just heard and have been alerted. Upon that, the man clears his throat awkwardly before continuing in a lower tone. “I just meant…I know my uncle was a bad man.”

“...Do you?” As you say that, a familiar figure catches the corner of your eyes and when you go on to focus your attention a bit more on them from behind the stranger’s shoulder, you feel your expression falling when you realize it’s Namjoon and Jimin.

If Namjoon and Jimin are here, the others shouldn’t be too far away. And that only means trouble.

You’re on your feet again, taking a turn opposite of where they are as you continue on your walk.

“It’s best to not associate yourself with me. If you offend me whether on accident or on purpose, I will rid of you without hesitation.”

“W-wait! I just..-” He runs to catch up to your pace, frantic looking. 

You stare at him up and down before sighing. “You’re wasting my time. Seeing as the insignificant man I killed is your uncle, I implore you to heed my advice and not show your face to me ever again. I do hate to be reminded of the memories of the past. They don’t serve well for the future.”

“I apologize, it’s just…I’m glad to have seen you in person, Miss Y/N. The rumors do you no justice, you’re more beautiful than they imply.” You don’t like the smile he shows you. “If you could be so kind, I would love to invite you to—”

“I told you, sir, I do not like to be reminded of the past.” You turn your face from him, walking sped up this time but he remains stubborn.

“I understand.” He doesn’t if he keeps following you insistently. “Being in the same room with you alone is a blessing, I’ll be sure to watch you from afar if fate ever allows us the moment again.” What a creep. “Ah, but what’re you doing here at an art museum? Are you here for your next target? Who is it?”

“It’ll be you if you don’t stop bothering me.”

He laughs as if you just said a joke. “My extended family would certainly have a heart attack if that were to happen, being as you’ve already gone and rid of my uncle. But truth be told, I’d be lucky to have the new Reaper kill me by her own hands.”

“Would you?”

“Of course! To have your beautiful hands—”

You stop in track all of a sudden, putting a hand up to have him freeze in place when he tries to reach out for you. “Sir.” Your voice drops deep, a frosty chill walking in as you stare him down from the side eyes. “If you really don’t wish to lose your life over some petty incident, I advise you to leave me now before you really make me angry. I’d hate making a scene in front of innocents but if you lay even the slightest touch on me, I’d do the same I did to your uncle and perhaps even worst.”

“...” He falls silent at your words and just as you think he’s finally done and realize the truth behind your threat, he speaks again as you’re about to walk away. “Who knew such a lady with refined beauty could get angry so easily.” He scoffs lightly, mocking you as his mask falls away. “You may be beautiful but your heart needs to be worked on. I bet my uncle didn’t even do much to have him face your wrath.”

“What your uncle did to me is none of your concern.”

“You must have killed your father for the same purpose, huh? I heard he cared for you quite deeply yet you returned his kindness by killing him. What a spoiled little brat.”

They don’t know your story and they never will, but that doesn’t phase you one bit because everyone is just like him; dumb and stupid, always believing the other side of the story without truly looking into things. Not that you care, they can think however they’d like, it doesn’t concern you.

You’re still going to kill the ones that did you wrong.

You ignore the man’s comment to keep walking, not wanting to stop this time no matter what but when you feel his presence once more with the way he comes at you at an alarming pace, you grab the white silk that was wrapped around your waist and played as a belt for your skirt, untangling the decorated bow and in a swift manner, you wrap the silk a few times around the man’s wrists, forcing it behind him in a rushed and assertive act that has him quick to scream at the pain.

You can feel a light tremble in your hands, the PTSD from Leehyun still here, so you make sure you aren’t touching him in the slightest, and when his scream alarms the people around you, you keep your cool as you stare down at the man, strengthening the tight grip of the silk with no mercy.

“You’re all the same. This is why I hate men.”

“Y/N?”

You sigh inwardly to yourself upon attracting the attention of Namjoon and Jimin and clench your jaw at the onlookers showing concern and worry. 

“Are you alright ma’am?”

“Was he bothering you?”

“Should we call security?”

You look up at the civilians who watches on with brows knitted on their features, your keen eyes taking in each of their expression. Calling in security now will only anger this man further and you can’t have their faces falling recognizable to him in case he holds any grudges. You know not to involve people and ruin their lives when they haven’t done anything wrong to you but the sight of the man who dared to try to lay a finger on you even after you’ve warned him otherwise makes you tremble with uncontrolled anger.

You told him you hate to be reminded of the past but he ignored your words and now you’re left here remembering Hwang Leehyun and his despicable touches that suddenly surfaces as if all they’ve been doing nothing but hiding under your skin, waiting to be revealed each time your memories resurfaces.

You hate it, you hate it, you hate it.

You want to kill this man.

“I’ll deal with him.” Namjoon’s commanding voice brings you back to the present for a second, just a split second. But still that second saves you for a moment because that second allows you to fall distracted, eyes flicking over to him sharply, and you watch when Yoongi and Jungkook, who you didn’t realize had also come over, take the man off you.

It saves you from having to be cautious in letting him touch you, allows you to breathe, to stand back up straight, to hide your hands behind your back.

That’s right. You’re calm, you’re calm. Nothing fazes you, you’re fine, everything’s fine. He didn’t touch you, he didn’t even graze you in the slightest. You’re fine and no one has to get hurt.

No one has to die. Not today.

You turn towards the crowd, feigning a small smile as you lower your head slightly at them. “Thank you for your concern, please return to your business. I apologize for the public disturbance.”

And without waiting for them to make their moves, you turn, following Namjoon away from the scene.

It’s silent for the longest time until you’re brought to the back of the building where it’s secluded and the sun is already setting. Yoongi and Jungkook keeps the man held against his will with Jimin following along, and Namjoon looks at you for a moment before he addresses you.

You should have known he’d visit this art museum. Namjoon enjoys looking at art during his pastimes, especially during times when things are rougher and he needs his moments of peace.

“How would you like to deal with him?” He asks, noting at the way you keep your hands held behind your back while keeping your distance. It seems you’re still cautious of being touched.

You look away from the man who had offended you, brows knitted as you stare at the horizon where the sun is slowly setting. “It’s fine,” you say, “looking at him a moment longer will only cause my blood to boil.”

You’re still dealing with the aftermath of your last endeavors, they can tell, that’s why Namjoon remained silent about the profound revelation he found. Although he may be angry with questions waiting to be demanded out of you, he kept his emotions at bay after seeing it physically in front of him just how hard the last event had hit you.

Still, he can feel his patience quickly slipping away now that he’s bathed in your presence. You still seem weak, not your usual aloof self who was always so great at hiding your true self slip past anyone, and although others may not realize it, he’s able to see through you in some of the slightest ways, letting him know that you’ve indeed taken a great hit from Leehyun.

His body may have burned away but the memories will always remain.

Namjoon understands how that feels.

“Leave him be then,” he tells the two before looking at you again, “I’m sure you’ll deal with him if you’d like in the future. I won’t interfere.”

You give him a nod and the three of them leaves with the man in toll, leaving you alone with Namjoon.

Silence fills once more, leaving you with the same uncomfortable feeling you’ve felt for the past few days. A storm is brewing and slowly but surely, you can feel the match beginning to ignite. Perhaps he has something to say to you, perhaps he realized something, or perhaps it’s something else, but either way you see that Namjoon isn’t speaking up even though it looks like he’s hiding something from you.

You turn on your heels, not wanting to stall this moment any longer. If he wishes to say something, whether that’s about what happened at the Hwang’s manor or something else, he can say it at another time. Right now you just want to return home and take your anger out in the training field.

“Jungwon.” You pause in your steps upon the name that slips from Namjoon’s mouth, his first word taking you by unexpected surprise. “He’s dead…isn’t he?”

There’s a hint of wrath in his voice, a hint of fear, a hint of unease and terror, accompanied by anxious thoughts that run through his mind and as you stand there still under the lights that have flickered on upon the sun now dimming the city, you don’t give him an answer.

But that in itself is an answer and you hear him scoff.

It’s filled with disbelief and disappointment.

“To think you’d lie to me and use someone I love against me.”

You turn around at those words, making sure to keep a level head. Despite the fact that he found out the truth about your schemes, you always told yourself to be prepared for moments like this. Namjoon would have found out one way or another. After all, he wanted the truth on where his brother was, and eventually, you would have either had to relay to him the news of his death or he’d find out on his own.

You just never expected he’d find out this soon. You thought you had more time.

“I didn’t lie to you, Namjoon, I just withheld the truth.”

Namjoon laughs at those words, the amusement dead and filled with nothing but pure ire. “And what? You think that’s any better? You know just how much my brother means to me.” You see the other three returning from where you stand, see the way the rest of them have come along as well and it almost feels as if you’re cornered. You can’t run, you have to face Namjoon’s wrath and their disappointment but you expected this. You expected to be hated by them and you prepared yourself not to care, to let them go when the time came. They left you, you’re free to leave them in the dust as well. “You were my wife and I trusted you with my vulnerability. I shared a part of myself I’d never share with anyone else and this is how you’re going to act in turn? By using information on my brother against me?”

You know what you’re about to say is toxic, that you shouldn’t turn this against him but after what happened with Leehyun, you can only feel your patience and mask slipping away as the day passes so you don’t care to hold your tongue this time.

“I could say the same thing about you, Namjoon. I trusted you with my heart and guess what happened in the end? You took it right out, ripped it to shreds, and threw it onto the ground without a care in the world.” The new scars on your body, the gash on your leg, they all still hurt in many ways and you hate the fact that they saw you in that vulnerable state.

“This is my brother we’re talking about.”

“And what? My feelings never meant anything to you?” You ask, challenging him. “You have to admit what you did to me was wrong and even after all these years, you’re acting as if nothing happened. I hate it most when people feign ignorance and pretend all is well without wanting to face the horrid part of things.” You take a sharp look at the others, making sure they know as well. “From the very beginning, I was on the losing end. I was made a pawn in the game you took part in, all just for the sake of power, and then you proceeded to toss me aside once you no longer needed me. Isn’t it only fair I do the same thing to you?”

“That doesn’t make it right for you to have used my brother against me,” he retorts with the same fire burning in your eyes. “You acted as if the butler who served you was someone you cared deeply for but in the end, everyone’s just a pawn for you to use at your disposal, huh?”

“Then you and I are similar in that aspect. You are not innocent, Kim Namjoon. Did you really think after all these years I’d remain that same soft-hearted girl I was then?” You chuckle bitterly at the thought. “She would never forgive the person that I am now but she’s gone, Namjoon, she’s dead, so she cannot stop me from using you in the way I wish to. If I want to use your brother against you, I’ll use your brother against you. The butler I grew up with was a butler who served me well, but he was foolish thinking he could have gotten out of that manor safe and secure without troubles along the way. Your father was the one who led him to the Reaper’s manor but when his mission grew completed, he hesitated upon leaving. Do you wanna know why?” You stare him dead in the eyes without blinking in the slightest way.

“It was because of me,” you say, unfaltering. “He stayed because of me. And guess what happened in the end? I killed him.”

“This is all your fault,” your father whispers into your ear. “He’s dead because of you.”

The trembling and terrified little girl then no longer shakes when she looks into the eyes of Kim Namjoon, the little brother of the very first man who ever loved you and the very first man whom you loved gently in turn.

Mister Butler was a man who always smiled your way no matter how rough the circumstances were. He was always there for you, the only one who held his arms out when you stood on the side, holding your tears in upon the rejection from your mother and father, the only one who allowed you to cry without scolding you, without scoffing or walking away. He was the only man who cared for you in the Reaper’s manor, providing you the fatherly protection you always needed from the very beginning.

He was your father, your brother, your friend, and the companion you sought the existence of. He was your soulmate, the very first one.

And when he left, your world fell apart. 

Nothing was right from the very beginning but he made it seem as if that in itself was okay because he was there and whenever he was there, everything turned out to be okay at the end of the day. You could go to your mother, get rejected and ridiculed, but turn to your butler and he’d sing you praises after praises. You could look up at your father with those wide and innocent eyes, the eyes of a child seeking the slightest attention they could receive from a busy and distant father, and even after he ignored you for the hundredth time, you could turn to your butler and he’d give you the attention you crave a hundred times more.

“I hope Mister finds your happiness someday.”

“And I hope the miss finds her happiness as well.”

You both broke your promise; his was forcibly ripped away from him and you no longer seek to find the pleasures in life.

You see the way Namjoon’s brows furrow slightly more, his chin protruding in the way it does when he’s angry, but you can tell there’s some suspicion leveled your way upon your words so you decide to drive him more mad.

He can hate you all he wants. You want him to hate you. He has to hate you and see you as nothing but a cruel and selfish monster.

You’re a monster.

“The day of the incident, I watched him with my very own eyes as life slipped away from him. His eyes were lifeless, dead, a corpse. In the same way I killed my mother and father, I killed your brother as well. The man who cared so much for me died at my very own hands. His death was all..my...fault.”

You drag out the words, speaking the last remaining three words carefully and slowly as if to try and purposely antagonize him.

It works.

Because you see the way Namjoon’s eyes brighten with red, how it shakes, how his lips tremble slightly, how it takes him a moment before he tries to get the words out of his throat. “...What?”

Hoseok watches you with brows slightly knitted in between, his mouth open but unable to utter anything out and you hate the way he looks disappointed, as if everything that he’s ever known about you is slowly slipping away and the mirror has slowly but surely shattered.

It’s okay though, you want this. You want him to hate you, to finally show anger and disappointment and think all ill thoughts of you with no rainbows or sunshine left in between. If Hoseok thinks nothing but love and still cares for the person he let slip from his grasp, it will only hurt the two of you in the end. 

Because you are incapable of loving, you have to make him hate you.

And if that means making him hate you through your hatred for Namjoon, then you’ll use that to your advantage. No one knows of Mister Butler anyways, and the ones who did have all died and left to burn to tell your tales. No one knows how much you loved that man, how you cried so hard the day your father killed him mercilessly. Though you may not remember clearly of the incident itself, you will never forget how much it hurt losing him and in turn, being blamed and made the villain of his story when all you ever wanted was nothing but his happiness.

Father turned everything onto you. Everything was your fault. You killed your beloved butler who showed nothing but love and care towards you. You were the fool who killed your father, your brother, your friend, your companion, and your soulmate.

You killed him.

You killed him.

Namjoon lunges after you in a blind fits of anger and as you keep your emotions well hidden in the depth of your heart, you hate the way this reminds you of those days all those years ago when Namjoon grew to hate you and the rest of your lovers did nothing but watch in turn.

Here you are reliving those same memories.

But rather than letting him take you down the way you did those years ago, this time you fight back. This time you lunge right back at him, not caring for anything else in this world even as something in the back of your mind tells you that you can’t win.

You can never win against Namjoon because at the end of the day, he will always be stronger than you. No matter how much strength you’ve gained through your years of torture, no matter how hard you’ve trained, how great your masters were, your strength can never exceed that of his.

“How dare you?!”

If Namjoon wasn’t blinded by rage, he’d use his brain just like any other day and realize how could a small little girl just nine years old possibly kill a man who held the strength and power of a mafia heir behind him? If he wasn’t so blinded by emotions, he’d remember the girl you used to be; afraid of guns and violence and always hidden behind the safety and comfort of her loved ones. How could a little girl like that, whether loved by her people or not, possibly rid of another man?

How could she? When all she wanted was nothing but happiness for the people that gave her nothing but kindness?

“Namjoon stop.” Hoseok. Poor Hoseok who still has the brains to try and rationalize things tries to meditate between two opposing opponents.

“Stop?” Namjoon scoffs. “She killed my brother!”

That’s right, blame me. Hate me. Hate me even more.

“You know what’s funny?” You pick yourself up from the ground, disregarding the fact that your white skirt now has stains on it as you reach for the knife hidden under it. “That I still haven’t gotten an explanation as to what happened all those years ago. Do you really think I’ll keep being patient without ever demanding an answer out of you?”

“Why the hell did you kill my brother? What did Jungwon ever do to you?” He doesn’t look for an answer before forcing you to dodge to the side with his blade grazing the skin of your arm. No matter how quick you are, you’re still slower than Namjoon. “That’s right, Jungwon didn’t do anything, did he? He’s not the type to hurt a little girl.” The more he pushes forward, the less space you have as you dodge back with your feet leaping behind at each step he forces you to take. “Did you have your people go after him? Force him to submit to you? Did you go to your father and make up stories in order to get rid of my brother?”

You manage to land a punch on his face upon those words, feeling your own anger building up. “I told you my truth. Why don’t you tell me yours, Namjoon? Surely I deserve it, right? After putting up with being your pawn, after letting you use me on that mission where you forced me to submit to a disgusting creep. Did you ever actually love me, Namjoon? Or was that all just a game you and the rest of your boys decided to play in in order to see how long things would last?”

“Y/N—”

“I didn’t deserve that.” Your eyes burn with red, baring your teeth as you glare at the rest of them. “We live in a world where emotions and weaknesses are not welcomed yet I trusted you with my heart. I gave you my soul. I listened to your problems, allowed you to lean on me, held you, loved you, did all that I could because I trusted in your love, and in turn, I got treated like nothing but a pawn in that little game you decided to play.” 

You push Namjoon against his chest upon his silence. “I put up with so much. Allowed you to degrade me, belittled me, let you say all those cruel things to me while being that silent good little girl you always cared for. That night I ripped my ring out, I even begged on my knees for you.”

“..What?” Hoseok whispers softly, words you’re unable to be heard because you’re focused on everyone else but him. He stands there in utter silence, listening to you and taking each and everything to heart.

You got on your knees and begged for them?

They…forced you to that point?

Them?

Hoseok turns to look at the rest of them with disbelief, as if trying to find someone in order to tell him that you’re wrong, that they didn’t force you to that point, and that you’re just spewing out nonsense because you’re angry.

“And you.” But before he can get an answer out of any of them, you’re speaking up too quickly as you point your finger at the rest of the boys. “Do you have any idea how much I second-guessed my position in our relationship? How much I envied the passing times you’ve already spent with one another? How many nights I went to sleep thinking perhaps you could have done better, perhaps I shouldn’t have intervened and got into the arranged marriage? Do you have any idea how many insecurities I built, convincing myself that you could never love me as much as you loved each other? That when it ever came to a point where one or two of you is fighting against me, I’d be on the losing end and no one would take my side because you loved each other more than you loved me?”

You laugh bitterly thinking about those days, feeling foolish for not giving in to those thoughts. “You had the audacity to make me think otherwise when in the end, my greatest nightmare came true.”

Namjoon forces himself in between you and them, pushing you back slightly on the shoulder. “Don’t make this about you.”

“What? Don’t make this about me?” You scoff at him with disbelief. “I gave you my truth, Namjoon, don’t you think it’s high time you gave me yours? Unless you plan on keeping me in the dark forever? If you really loved me then, if those three years were real and not a lie you built for me to live in then give me the truth that I deserved all those years ago. You wanted me gone no matter what, right? And I gave you that benefit, I walked away from our marriage because you no longer wanted me there anymore so whatever the hell is the reason behind those cold shoulders of yours, give it to me damn it! I deserve it more than anyone!”

“I stopped loving you!” He shouts against your anger and it catches you off guard for a moment.

You look at him for a second and when a heartbeat passes, you let out a disbelief scoff. “Now was that so hard to say? You sick bastard..!”

You push forth with your knife hung in the air but before you can strike, Seokjin’s right in front of you, forcing your hand away and as you take a moment to watch him with bafflement, you realize the rest of them are all standing by Namjoon’s side, refusing to let you harm him in any way.

Hoseok looks distraught as he remains where he first stood, his head falling to the side, avoiding your gaze, and once again it seems that no matter how hard you tried, you could have never competed against their love for one another. Because even if Hoseok were on your side then, they would have never pushed him away or allowed him to leave in order to stay by your side. They loved him too much to let him go to you.

How selfish.

How…cruel.

“I see.” The strength in your voice weakens as you face the hard truth and although it looks like they want to say something, you don’t let them. “In the end, you really did love each other more than you did me. And I’m not upset at that, why I be? Feelings are something we cannot force no matter how much we try but you should have told me the truth instead of letting me be the fool into believing I could have been enough. I was never enough for you, was I? Or perhaps you were already enough for each other you didn’t need another one to intervene. Perhaps in the beginning you really did love me, or you thought you did. I want to believe in that love because you showed me sides to you you’d never show to anyone else. I want to believe that you were kind and not some cruel, heartless monsters who never cared for me and only used me as your pawns.

“And I’m not hurt because of the past. I’m over it. I’m hurt at the fact that you turned the little girl I was into a lovesick fool and made her believe nothing that she did would ever satisfy you. But she did nothing wrong…did she?” You look at them with your cold expression falling away, the anger still there but lessened as you’re more disappointed and hurt than anything. “I did nothing wrong. I was always enough, but you made me feel otherwise.”

You turn from them, not wanting to look at them any further. And as you walk away, this time even Hoseok doesn’t chase after you.

Perhaps he understands your pain, knows just how much the boys have messed up. And whether he wants to choose you or not is not a choice for him to make because at the end of the day, it will always be the boys.

You will always be Hoseok’s second choice.

.

.

.

“...Som.”

“Boss?” Dasom’s at your side in an instant. You aren’t sure how and where she appeared from but the second you walk in through the doors and uttered her name, she’s right there at your disposal, her eyes widened, a quick display of surprise plastered on her usual expressionless face. “What happened there?” She points at the light graze on your arm, her anger clear. “We aren’t supposed to go for another one until later so who dared to hurt you? Who do I have to—”

You put your hand up, cutting her off immediately just as Yuna appears alongside her. They remain silent in your presence, taking in the way you look. Your once pure white skirt spoils with dirt, blazer hung over your arm for someone to take, eyes falling blankly to the floor with a look of exhaustion clear on your face. There’s a slight furrow in your brows, lips sealed tight, eyes twitching a little.

You’re trembling in the slightest way. It won’t ever be prominent to the normal eyes but your Reapers will never miss anything about you.

Dasom’s quick to rush away on her feet without a word, probably to call Mingyu, while you look around for something, feeling restless, before sitting flat on the floor.

“I hate heels,” you utter, allowing your legs to straighten right before you, and without needing to demand anything out of them, your Reapers know immediately what to do.

Yuna crouches down to take your shoes off while someone else takes your hair clip off to free your hair.

“Boss?” And when Mingyu’s voice is heard, you stare up with an effort, suddenly marked with a memory of the past.

Everyone has left the room upon your silence. Everyone but your right-hand man.

You sit still on the floor of your bedroom, the only place that’s secure in this hellhole. You hate what lies outside the door, hate the halls, the eyes of your father’s men, your father himself, and everything else that exists.

Mingyu tends to the wounds you reveal after ripping your sleeves off, trusting in only him to see them after having gone through a series of feigning your strength before your father. He sent you on another dangerous mission, hoping to kill you.

“Boss?” Mingyu speaks up into the silence, prompting you gently as if he knows there are some things you want to let out.

So you speak. “Mingyu.”

“What is it?” He remains patient upon your hesitation, so you turn to look at him, eyes distant but holding onto your last bit of sanity that still exists.

“I’m tired,” you say, and that’s all he needs to hear to understand.

“Mingyu.”

He crouches down to your level and stares at the cut on your arm before taking a look at your slightly reddened feet from the heels. The silence lingers in the air and so he looks up at the rest, a signal they’re quick to pick up on and without a word, the Reapers that have gathered around all scatter away.

Once they’re all gone and out of sight without alerting any of your senses, you finally utter out more words.

“I’m tired,” you say, and Mingyu understands.

You’re tired, tired of everything. Tired of the world, of people, of everyone that has hurt you, of being weak and unable to face the truth without trembling, of pretending, of keeping strong, of lying, of being lied to, of your enemies, of your friends, of everyone and everything.

You’re tired.

You want to rest, to stop, to reset, to freeze time, to relive everything and make better decisions just so you don’t have to live through all of this ever again.

From what Mingyu can tell, there’s only one group of people that can make you look this way. There aren’t a lot of people who can go up against you after all, not to mention you had no plans to face anyone annoying today, so the only conclusion he can come up with is that you accidentally met up with Bangtan and something happened.

“He found out Mister Butler died,” you say, already knowing that Mingyu can always speculate what’s going on with you. Mister Butler will always be Mister Butler to you. Not Kim Jungwon, not Namjoon’s brother, not a man belonging to another gang, just Mister Butler. Your butler.

Your kind and gentle butler whom you killed.

“Ah,” is all Mingyu says as he makes himself comfortable on the floor.

You take your knees up to your chest and lay your cheek against them. “I told him I killed him myself.”

He purses his lips. “Why would you lie to him like that?”

“I wanted him to hate me.” You pause. “To blame me.” It’s a simple answer and Mingyu can already tell what’s going on inside your head.

You hate showing any bit of weakness in front of others, especially in front of strangers and in front of people that have wronged you. You hate it when someone shakes your core, when you can’t stand upright, when your falsehood falls and your brave act begins to break, and he knows you must have hated it most that you had to show such a vulnerable side of yourself towards the very ones who drove you back into such a harsh environment, forcing you to survive all on your own.

They unknowingly fed you to the wolves, just to watch in horror as they finally witnessed the consequences of their actions. What makes it worst is that they don’t even know that that was all their doing. You would have been safe staying with Bangtan if they hadn’t forced you to leave.

Lying to Namjoon about killing his brother was your way of distancing yourself from him, because even you could tell something would have changed in your relationship were he to begin acting differently around you after London’s mission.

You hate being weak and you hate it most of the people’s reactions to it.

Some people use that against you while others sympathize and act with more care around you. You and Mingyu both know Namjoon isn’t the type to use your weakness against you so you decided to keep playing the villain and drive him away.

“Do you ever plan on telling him the truth someday?”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because he deserves it,” Mingyu says, “that’s his brother after all. No matter what happened between the two of you, you know he deserves the truth and not the lie you told him of killing his own brother yourself.”

You know.

You know more than anyone Namjoon deserves to hear the truth about what happened all those years ago. You remember the first night he opened up to you about his brother, how broken he looked to believe he failed Jungwon when in reality he had nothing to do with his death. It was all the corrupted fathers that involved themselves in the game of thrones, willing to discard all and anyone away whether they were family or not.

Namjoon’s father was just like yours and you know that if Namjoon were to ever find out the truth about your father, he’d hate himself the most.

They all would.

But you don’t care to give them the truth because they don’t deserve it, none of them do. None except Hoseok but you know that if Hoseok were to ever know everything, he’d beat himself up the most and you don’t deserve to put him through any of that.

Your secrets will remain yours both from Bangtan and the Reapers.

Still, if there’s anything Namjoon deserves, it’s the truth about his brother, just as Mingyu said. It wasn’t fair of you to use his brother against him after all. You were cruel for that but you had to do what you had to do. It was the only way to get through to Namjoon, make him a pawn in this stupid revenge game of yours. He doesn’t deserve the lies you gave him, the truth you withheld from him, but revealing the truth about Mister Butler’s death will also bring your own truth forward and you don’t think you can take that.

“If I tell him the truth about Mister Butler…that means telling my truth.” Mingyu watches you carefully as you speak and because you know even he and Yuna doesn’t know much about your past, your brows knit in distress as you look away from that piercing gaze, holding onto your knees even tighter. “Father killed him,” you utter bitterly as you bite against your lower lip, the effects of the incident still a place you’d rather not return to. “He was the first love I lost.”

You’ve told them about the first man who ever showed you kindness, that because he loved you, he died. You told them about Bangtan, that they failed you and betrayed your trust. The two of them, Mister Butler and Bangtan, are the very reasons why the Reapers are not permitted to love you.

To you, being loved is something out of the book. You’re scared of being loved because in the end, they either die or betray you. That is why you cannot see how deeply the Reaper’s loyalty lies.

Because you refuse to.

Because you’re afraid of it.

Afraid of loving and afraid of being loved.

“If I tell him about Mister Butler..how he died and how he lived…he’ll connect the dots. He’s already doing it right now, I’m sure of it. How can you still blindly think a father actually treated his daughter finely knowing she’s been through some stuff? Namjoon’s not stupid, none of them are. It was easy to live in the lie back then but now that I’m deliberately going after people, how can anyone not begin to question things?”

So you’ve pushed them away not only because you didn’t want them to treat you any differently but also because you’re pushing them away from the truth they may be hoping to find out.

“Not that it matters much anymore anyways.” You press your forehead upon your knees, hiding your face completely. “I told him I killed his brother and he told me he stopped loving me. In the end, the old me who was once the center of their attention fell away and was never enough for them. What a pitiful little girl,” you scoff lightly, bitter at the fact you’ve just uttered. “Nothing hurts more than trying your absolute best and still not being good enough. She was so..dumb. But maybe she knew the truth all along. Maybe she just didn’t want to believe in it, deluding herself into lies after lies, trying to keep up the fantasy, living in a house of cards that had been inevitable to fall from the very beginning. 

“She was a fool. An utter, pitiful fool.”

💜💜💜

cry me a river | the second choice

— summary: an illusion of free choice, it will always be namjoon in the end

— pairing: bts x reader

— genre: angst, mafia!au

— word count: 10.3k

— warnings: none but i do apologize beforehand for any anger/sadness you may feel :)

— PART 16 / previous post / masterpost

May 20XX; Age Six [Kim Namjoon]

“Joon.” Jungwon crouches down before him, his eyes a stare much more serious than ever before. There is still kindness in his eyes, there will always be kindness in his eyes, but as Namjoon looks up at his older brother, even the little boy can tell a storm may be brewing in the corner. “If I ever disappear,” he speaks in a low voice so that no one else can hear but Namjoon, “I want you to take over. You got that?”

Namjoon furrows his brows, a face of fear and confusion plastered upon his little boyish features. “Hyung…what do you mean by that?”

Jungwon smiles ruefully, the hand he has on his brother’s shoulder patting gently. “You know exactly what I mean.”

“But hyung, I..” Namjoon shakes his head, refusing to give into what his brothers’ words imply. “Disappear? What do you mean by that? If you’re not by my side, how can I ever go on, hyung? You can’t leave. I won’t be able to do anything without you.”

“Sure you can.” His voice is kind, sweet, always offering the gentlest words despite how cruel this world is. “I know you can.” Then, Jungwon’s tone shifts. “And I know you will.”

“Hyung?” Namjoon takes a step closer to his brother, anxiety weighing against his chest so strong he hopes it can disappear when he touches his brother’s hands but it doesn’t. Something’s not right. Something’s wrong. And usually, Jungwon’s always there to fix everything for him but this time it feels as if the very source of that problem is Jungwon himself.

And as if he’d disappear right before his eyes, Namjoon holds himself closer to his elder brother, panic settling in his chest in the most uncomfortable way. 

“Don’t tell me…” He whispers, afraid of the answer.

When Jungwon sends him a tight smile, the answer is clear. “It’s okay, I’ll be gone for only a few years.”

“Years!” Namjoon exclaims in defiance. “Hyung, you can’t—”

“Shh!” A finger held against his lips, he quickly shuts the younger boy down as he looks around instantly, trying to sense any other presence around the two of them. But Namjoon doesn’t care for that right now, all Namjoon cares for is the fact that he’s going to be losing his brother very soon.

As if Jungwon can feel just how afraid his little brother is for his disappearance, his eyes settle back on him, large hands engulfing Namjoon’s with a tight squeeze.

“You’ll be alright, I just gotta take care of some things. But just in case, Joon, and this is just in case, got that?” He doesn’t continue until Namjoon gives him a nod. “Just in case something…” He hesitates, knowing that frightening the boy further will only alleviate more anxiety but he also knows that he has to in order to make him stronger. “If something goes wrong, I need you to become the head of Bangtan, you got that?”

“But—”

“No matter what,” he emphasizes with a force. “You have to become the next head. And if that takes you years before you can pick up the courage, let it be. Just know that no matter what, father cannot live until he lies on his deathbed with greying hair. I want you to bring him there before even a strand of his hair whitens.”

“Hyung..”

“I know.” Jungwon nods, his lips tight in a straight line before he continues. “I know it’s quite the burden I’ve placed on your shoulders but this is the only way you can free yourself, Joon. If I’m not here to be the one to take him down, you’re going to have to step up to be the big boy. You can do that, can’t you?”

“I..I-I’ll try,” he says, though knowing he could never. He’s just a little boy after all, and thinking about becoming the next head is something that can only happen in dreams and fairytales. “But hyung, you…you can’t die. Please, hyung,” Namjoon takes ahold of his brother’s shirt, pleading, begging, as his tiny little hands that are balled into knuckle white fists trembles. “You have to survive, no matter what. Or else I’ll never forgive you.”

“I know Joon, I know.” Jungwon brings his little brother into his chest in order to try and relieve some of the stress he’s feeling. He holds onto him tightly as he hides his own fears and unease. “No matter what, I will do all that I can to return to your side. I promise I’ll be back and when I come back, we’ll take over Bangtan together and lead the gang into a new era.”

“You promise?”

“Mmn. I promise.”

That was the first promise Jungwon ever broke.

.

.

.

June 20XX; Age Twenty-Two

“I hope that you will treat my daughter well. She is quite precious to me. She knows nothing of the violent side to things and I wish to keep that pure and innocence with her until the day she no longer walks this earth.”

The Grim Reaper. Said to be quite ruthless and cruel. There were rumors that he had a daughter but Namjoon never knew it was a daughter he cherished so much. Perhaps her hidden identity and the reason as to why she was known to only exist in rumors and fantasies is because the Grim Reaper hides her well in the hopes of protecting her.

Huh.

What a decent father, unlike the man Namjoon wishes to no longer remember.

“Of course. You have my word.”

.

.

.

“Namjoon, are you alright?”

It’s strange the way you concern yourself in his business despite only being in a marriage of convenience. From the first moment Namjoon saw you, he knew you were someone who only held kindness in your heart, but even then this was nothing but a contract.

“You do not need to concern yourself with me. We may be husband and wife but you are not obligated to care for my needs. Our marriage is only a contract after all.”

He hopes you would leave then. You look like someone who would listen to each and every word someone tells you to. After all, you’re even timid around his own boys despite the fact that you are in a position much higher than them. If you had the heart to, you could even berate them without fear of any consequences coming down on you with the power you hold. Obviously, Namjoon would never let you but he knows that even then, having your father’s strength behind you would serve well were you to use that to your advantage.

Thankfully, however, to Namjoon’s relief, you aren’t some spoiled brat who only thinks highly of herself.

“Forgive me, I do not mean to cross your boundaries but I am not speaking as your contractual wife, Namjoon. I am speaking to you as myself. As Y/N. Not Mrs. Kim.” His fingers freeze against his keyboard just as you say, “So I’d like to ask again; are you alright, Namjoon?”

What a strange little girl.

Strange indeed.

Yet…not the bad kind of strange.

.

.

.

You’re a kind young lady who knows how to treat others with respect, though a part of him believes you may be too cautious for your own good. Seokjin could tell right away that you fear them, that even though you try your hardest to be the kind person that you are, you still distance yourself in subtle ways, timid and afraid of things unbeknownst to them.

You hide yourself well, present yourself in a poised and elegant manner, different from what he images a young lady of your age should behave. You’re closer to Jungkook’s age, and although the young boy has his own pasts and traumas he’s dealt with, he’s learned to work well with others and be free in the ways he can (mostly through Jimin’s efforts). 

But you’re different from Jungkook.

The both of you are on the quieter side, but unlike the way Jungkook’s content with his silence, you fall more rigid and timid and perhaps it’s all because you’re in an environment different from that of your father’s estate.

He wonders how you were treated there, how much he spoiled you, how the servants cared for you, and although a part of Namjoon envies you for growing up with a kind father who watches out for your wellbeing, he knows not to get jealous of those things.

Still, it makes him wonder just what sort of reaction you’d have were he to put you in a difficult position.

And through his selfishness, he makes his first mistake and lives to regret it the moment he sees you crying in the arms of Taehyung.

“I was scared,” you confess in a barely audible whisper. “I was so scared.”

He should have never mixed purity with the cruel world he grew up in. No matter how envious he was of the way you grew up, no matter how curious he was to see how you’d respond to being put in a spot that’d make things difficult for you for the first time, he should have never done what he did.

Namjoon was cruel.

A cruel, cruel man.

“I made you feel as if you had no choice to refuse, as if you were nothing but a pawn to me.”

“But, I am a pawn.”

He saw himself in you. In the way you coward before him as if he was still the little boy that he was years ago, trying to look his bravest but ultimately failing whenever it came to confronting his father head-on.

His father always made him feel like a pawn and here he is, doing the exact same thing to an innocent little girl.

“No. You are Y/N. You are not a pawn. You deserve to live just as much as the rest of us.”

He should have never forced you into that situation.

.

.

.

“Want to sneak out?” Namjoon hears a voice in the middle of the night, the tone whispered lowly as if up to no good.

He lets out a silent sigh as he remains hidden behind a wall, taking a small glance Jungkook’s way as the two of them were just on their way back from a meeting. The younger one remains the silent person that he is, not uttering a word as the troublesome Jimin tries to coerce you into sneaking out.

“What, I..-I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Jimin, I’m…did you forget who I am?”

Daughter of a powerful mafia leader, wife to another powerful mafia leader. Perhaps living the life protected by others may indeed be burdensome at times. You have restrictions, unable to live the normal life you’d like, not being able to enjoy the world outside as much as you wish to, being cautious of your identity, and always having to ask permission for every little thing in order to remain safe and secure.

He’s seen the way your father treats you; eyes always kept your way no matter where you go as if cautious and afraid something would go wrong were something to happen. You’ve never lived a life without being under surveillance, have you?

He guesses even the love of a father may be burdensome, just as it is for a child growing up without love. Though he’s glad you didn’t have to grow up the way he did. At least you had people who cared for you and he hoped you’ve had nothing but the best growing up.

“Namjoon will be upset and angry at me if he ever finds out.”

When his name is brought into the conversation, Namjoon begins listening in more intently.

“Oh please,” he hears Jimin laugh, “If Namjoon ever finds out, he’ll only go after me. I promise.”

How shameful of him, knowing just how troublesome he is that he’ll be the only one getting scolded and yet continues on his antics without care.

“I can’t believe in that promise.”

“Huh. You really don’t trust him, do you?”

“Our relationship was arranged, Namjoon wouldn’t let me off if I were to ever disobey him.”

Namjoon leans away from the wall after those words, a hand placed upon the maknae’s shoulder as he whispers, “Watch over them, will you?”

“Hyung?” As he goes on to walk off, Jungkook looks back at him with confusion. “You won’t try to stop Jimin?”

The leader simply gives him a shrug before disappearing into the dark halls, leaving Jungkook to do what he wants with both you and Jimin.

It seems that as the day passes by, the boys are slowly becoming fond of you. Even Jungkook who’s usually very slow upon warming up to people doesn’t reappear before him later that night, leaving Namjoon to guess that he went on the expedition with you and Jimin.

When he asks you about it the next day, you put the blames all on yourself, not wanting anyone else to get in trouble, and Namjoon sighs.

“You are my wife, Y/N, not my prisoner. If you wish to go out, you have every right to do so. However, you must make sure that you have at least two guards with you at all times. You are my wife, after all, even if no one knows of your identity.”

Even if it’s just the smallest amount of freedom he can give you, Namjoon hopes it’ll give you a bit of a breather.

If even a little.

.

.

.

Yet freedom comes at a price and the second Namjoon thought he’d finally be able to see your happiness flourishing, the light that produced flickered away in mere minutes and you’re down on the ground, panicking with fear taking total control until it is Seokjin who has to be the one to ground you down.

“I’m here,” he repeats, “I’m here.”

He goes through a breathing exercise with you patiently, gently, until finally your exhaustion catches onto you and you collapse there right in his arms, falling asleep to the beat of his heartbeat.

Namjoon vows right then and there to give the man who had done this to you the slowest death he can offer.

You were so happy a few days ago, smiling and laughing along after what he had put you through, and just when he thought things have finally calmed down, your peace and joy has been ripped away from you once more.

He won’t forgive himself for using you as a pawn but he’ll kill the one who had scared you and shattered your soft, forgiving heart.

.

.

.

Namjoon fell in love with you just as fast as he had fallen out of love.

Just three years — two years of loving. And Namjoon grew tired of your silence.

Your silence.

Your quiet, quiet silence.

When he loved and cared and opened his heart up, revealing his deepest insecurities and pasts with you, things he never does unless he truly trusts someone, when he broke down his walls and allowed you into his arms, you remained silent.

There were times when you’d lean on them, when you’d turn to them during rough moments, when you couldn’t sleep, when you were feeling insecure about your position in the relationship, when you were afraid of an enemy, when you just needed a shoulder to cry on.

But there were also times when you’d awake in the middle of the night, shutting down and holding yourself together without the tiniest peep. Those were the times when Namjoon had to make an effort. To hold you, to remind you that it was okay to turn to them, to lean on them.

Because they loved you.

There were times when you’d shed tears and say nothing, remaining completely silent. No matter how much effort he had put in, how much they had put in, trying to ease the answers out of you, remaining patient with you all the way, reminding you of their love and care, you wouldn’t say a word about your struggles.

And it hurts because they’ve shared parts of themselves that no one else knew yet there you were, walls still held up high without the slightest crack in between.

Did you love them as much as they loved you? Were they showing you enough love? What if all their efforts were all for naught? What if their love weren’t enough for you to see, to feel, to have, to hold, to cherish? What if they weren’t good enough to keep you as their own?

What if you were better off returning to your father? In a place where you’re used to, surrounded by people who knows you, who understands just what to do when you’re like this? Those who can take care of you in ways they could never?

If you returned, would you be happier?

“Is she even happy?”

“What are you saying, Namjoon?” Seokjin looks at him as if he has two heads, brows deepened with confusion as he pushes aside the paperwork before him. “You can’t just go around coming up with your own conclusions without communicating.”

“I tried, hyung, I’ve tried.” He runs a hand through his hair, biting onto his lower lip to keep his emotions at bay. “But she doesn’t say anything, hyung. What am I supposed to do with that?”

“So you try harder,” Seokjin stresses, feeling irritated he even has to say such simple reasonings aloud. “She’s always been so patient with us, why can’t you do the same?”

“I know hyung, I know.” He knows, he understands, but the longer he’s kept in the dark, the more his thoughts stray away into thinking what if you were better off elsewhere? What if you were better off returning to your father? To your safe place? If he can’t provide you with the right love and care that you need, then wouldn’t it be better for you to return to the Reapers? 

“I feel like I’m not doing enough,” he says as he looks away from Seokjin, trying to hide the overwhelming emotions. “I thought that if I loved her enough, she’d finally trust us with her vulnerable side but what if this love isn’t enough for her? What if all that I’ve been doing has been for naught? What if—”

“Namjoon.” The eldest lowers his voice into a threat, not wanting him to utter any more words.

But Namjoon keeps going. “What if I end this?”

“Kim Namjoon.” Seokjin stands from his chair, feet stomping right on over and without hesitation, pushes Namjoon right up the wall behind him in a harsh and forceful manner. “Don’t you dare say that ever again. Just because the two of you are legally married doesn’t mean the rest of us shouldn’t have a say in it. If you end it for the two of you, you end it for the rest of us.”

“But she’d be happier!”

“You don’t know that!”

“What else am I supposed to think?!” He looks up with a force and Seokjin almost gasps at the sight of tears falling from his eyes. Namjoon isn’t one to shed tears, not like how easy it is for someone like Jungkook. Out of everyone, the leader always keeps himself composed no matter what situation he’s faced with and it has to take a lot in him to finally allow tears to fall.

Seokjin almost takes a step back when Namjoon leans against the wall and slides down, hitting the ground with a thud. He lets his tears flow, not caring to wipe them away, not caring to hide them anymore.

“I can’t love her enough,” he says in a low, low whisper. “My love isn’t enough for her.”

“...What are you trying to say?”

Namjoon falls silent for a moment. And a heartbeat later, he confesses his feelings. “I can’t love her,” he says, “not in the way I used to.”

As his nostrils thicken and his eyes redden, Seokjin pulls Namjoon back up by the collar. “What sort of pathetic excuse were you trying to make before?” He growls, the flash of anger and hurt clearly seen in his eyes. “She’d be happier with her father? Are you serious? Y/N’s silence shouldn’t be the reason for you to give up like this. You know perfectly well how love works. Not everything is exciting and filled with happiness. Sometimes it gets a little dull and that infatuation you felt at first will dwindle down but that doesn’t mean you give up on it the second you feel it. If you can do it with the rest of us, why can’t you do it with Y/N? You love us all the same, why can’t that be the same for Y/N? Was your love for her that weak? You know just as well as I do how much patience it takes to break down someone’s walls and the second you feel you can’t do it as easily as you’ve done for the rest of us, you’re willing to back down. You’re pathetic, Kim Namjoon.”

.

.

.

He knows.

He knows he’s pathetic.

But the more he tries, the harder it is, and the more he comes to learn that he can never love you in the same way he used to.

“Joon!”

Even the soft little nickname that always got him to smile no longer works for you and soon the rest of the boys all catch up to it. Fights break out behind your back and the longer this goes on, the more frustrated Namjoon gets.

He hates how pathetic he’s acting, hates the way feelings work, because he tries, he does, but doesn’t try enough to make things work and soon enough, the way the others care for you starts to irritate him as well. He hates how sweet they are towards you, how they defend you every time he has something to say, how he watches their love for you is kept the same and yet his is different.

And most of all, he hates how kind you still are despite knowing Namjoon’s changed.

He knows you know and he hates how you refuse to address it, wanting to believe in the Namjoon you fell in love with. For a while, Namjoon thought that was fine, that if he too refuses to see his changing feelings, he can come to love you all the same again.

But that doesn’t work and his frustrations get the best of him.

“If this continues, I’ll end up lashing out at her.”

He hates the way the others look at him but he deserves it, he knows he deserves it.

“So what? You’re gonna say it’s better to let her go before any of that happens? Before you hurt her? Return her to her father because she’d be happier there than pretend things are going well between the two of you?”

When Taehyung points out those things, Namjoon doesn’t say a word.

He just nods, and that causes another fight to break out.

The tension grows and grows between them, all the while you turn to Hoseok, the only man who’s unaware of what’s going on around him, finding your safe space in him.

Hoseok who doesn’t know a thing. Hoseok who still loves you more than anything else in the world and you, who clings onto his love because everything else seems to be falling apart. But even then, Namjoon sees the way you hide your true feelings from him, not wanting him to worry and perhaps afraid that if he knew, he’d also fall into the tension that has grown between the rest of them.

Namjoon knows how dumb he’s being, that he should try harder but trying harder only makes him grow more irritated, and soon enough he just stops.

Stops trying.

Maybe if he acts differently around you, maybe if he makes you hate him, it’d be easier to let you go. Because that way you can feel better about returning to your father. He’d rather you hate him than hold onto a false hope thinking he could change and revert back to the old him.

He’ll make you hate him and he’ll force you to take the step into calling for a divorce.

The night Namjoon lashes out on you, Taehyung meets him when he slams the door closed on your face, a look of disappointment clear on his face as he bites his tongue back when the two of them meet eyes. Taehyung’s jaw is clenched, hands balled into a fist, trembling by his side as he tries to subdue his emotions.

“A pawn?” He whispers, scoffing at the disgusting words that left his leader’s lips.

Namjoon looks away, chin protruding.

“You have no right, Kim Namjoon. To tell her such things.”

And when your cries echo softly from the other side of the door, Taehyung lets his own tears fall. His eyes redden as he keeps silent, not wanting you to hear a single peep, while he levels daggers into Namjoon’s head.

But the man doesn’t give him a reaction. He turns away and walks off, leaving Taehyung to hear your cries all to himself.

He stays there for the longest time, listening to you from the other side of the door, keeping himself concealed, hidden, despite his body screaming at him to rip open that door and hold you tightly. All the noises that leave your lips tears him down to pieces.

He hates it most when you cry, hates your tears, your broken state, and he hates himself most of all for just staying there stoned to the floor, not making a single move to walk towards you or away.

He just stays there, listening to the broken record that falls from you, left damaged by Namjoon’s words.

It is until two hours pass does Taehyung actually make a move. You’d gone silent an hour ago but he knows that in spite of your silence, you still cry. That’s just how you are. You hate making the slightest peep when you cry, hate it when others hear you even if no one’s by your side.

You hide all that you are even while basking in your own comfort.

So when Taehyung’s absolutely sure you’ve fallen asleep from all that crying, he opens the door to your bedroom and walks in to find you sitting against the wall, head leaned to your right where the bookshelf lies, eyes shut closed with faint dry tears marking your cheeks.

He steps in and takes a seat before you, watching as you breathe in and out, chest heaving slowly and peacefully. Taehyung lets his tears fall silently for you, hating every moment of this, and finally gets up to pick you up in his arms.

He settles you into your bed carefully and thoughtfully, making sure you’re comfortably tucked in, and just as he’s about to move away, he feels a tug pulling him back in and Taehyung freezes.

For a moment there his heart skipped a beat, worried you had woken up from him moving you around, but when Taehyung looks back to see that your eyes are still closed, his heart only tugs with an ache.

Look at you, clinging to his warmth even in your dreams, as if a second longer without them brings a second more pain into your life and he knows, he knows that he’s hurting you. He knows that you spend nights after nights worried about how strong their love is for you, about being a burden, about not being enough, and so he hates himself most of all for not being the one to soothe those insecurities of yours away.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers brokenly when he leans in and presses a kiss to your cheek. A teardrop escapes his eye, dropping onto your precious skin, and Taehyung cries a little more while trying his best to keep as silent as possible.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, he says them in his head, worried you may wake up and pray that you can hear them in your dreams.

He kisses you a few times, delivering apologies after apologies, knowing that no matter how many times he utters them, they will never be enough. Nothing will ever be enough.

When Taehyung leaves your room after some time, he takes another moment to himself right there in front of your bedroom door, and grabs a handful of his shirt to wipe the tears from his eyes, all the while knowing that sharp aching pain in his chest will never cease.

Someone’s footsteps are heard and when he looks up, he finds Jimin in the shadows of the darkness.

They don’t say a word to one another but Taehyung sees the way water glimmers in his soulmate’s eyes.

.

.

.

Five minutes.

It takes five minutes for Jungkook to make sure you aren’t returning for him to release his gun and slam it harshly to the ground.

It smashes into pieces with a loud sound but he doesn’t care. All he cares is for the hurt on your face he’s sure was there when he kept his back on you, speaking in short and blunt words to make you turn away from him.

The door is closed after you left but one look at the sandwich you left behind makes a tear fall from his eye.

“Don’t push yourself too hard,” you told him, voice kept kind and gentle yet he heard the restrain, the way you were holding yourself back from him. You wanted his attention, his soft smile, his words of affirmation, to stop focusing so much on his targets and turn around to provide you with his full attention in the way he’s always done.

But Jungkook had only hurt you and forced you out the door.

“What does loyalty mean?” He asks Seokjin later that day, eyes hard and demanding after walking in through his door without so much of a greeting, but Jungkook doesn’t care. “If I betray this gang, will I have to pay with my life? Will you kill me?”

The eldest hovers his pen in mid-air, silent.

“I know I owe him my life, he’s done so much for me and I love him but…” His voice threatens to fall apart, jammed against his throat, but Jungkook swallows hard to speak again. “I love her too, hyung.” He lets out a shaky breath and tears fall. Tears only seem to be falling these days. “It isn’t fair, hyung, can’t you say something? Anything? He listens to you, can’t you do something? You still love her, don’t you? If you say something that’ll make him change his mind, we’ll be okay again and we won’t have to risk Y/N—”

“You know just as well as I do Namjoon does not change his mind once it’s made up.”

Jungkook chokes on his tears because he knows. He knows nothing can be done.

Namjoon has fallen out of love and the rest of them has to pay the price.

“It isn’t fair what we’re doing to her, hyung, can’t you see? I don’t want her to hate me and I don’t want to hate her. Why do we have to hurt just because things stopped working out for him? Why do we have to hurt her too?”

“Jungkook–”

“If this was another life, if I was an ordinary man,” he grits his teeth, staring hard at his eldest hyung, “I’d choose her in a heartbeat.”

Seokjin can say nothing to that.

.

.

.

In another life, Jungkook would make you his number one priority. In another life, Jungkook would make sure you were his first choice.

Because in this life you will always come second to Namjoon whether he wants that or not. In this life, he has to choose Namjoon, in this life he chose Namjoon first so he can’t choose anyone else.

Polyamory shouldn’t be this hard. It was working out well for them without any problems in between so why did something have to start going wrong when you came along? You’ve done nothing wrong, you’ve done all that you could, but now your biggest insecurity is biting back at you and there’s nothing Jungkook can do to change that.

He can’t choose you.

Jungkook cries that night, hard, and punches Namjoon against his chest because he doesn’t want to let you go. He loves you and he hates that he’s forced into a position where he has to choose between you and Namjoon.

For them, for the boys, that choice will always be Namjoon.

Because Namjoon was there first and Namjoon is their boss. Choosing between a woman of another gang and the man who leads your gang will only lead you down one road.

An illusion of free choice.

Because loyalty to the mafia comes first. Without the mafia, they have nothing.

“Why, why, why?” Jungkook pleads in a broken voice, the punches he gives out weakening by the second and Namjoon stands there, taking it all in.

They hate it.

They hate it because you’ve voiced your insecurities before. Your insecurities about being a second choice, being left behind, and not being enough for them. You will always be enough for them, always, but when it comes to having to choose between their mafia and you, you will always be the second choice.

“Then…let’s divorce.”

Three words.

Gentle eyes.

A kind smile.

Breaking.

Breaking.

Broken.

They broke you.

.

.

.

“You’re okay with this?” Hoseok sits against a wall, his head lowered with no energy left in him as he asks Yoongi that question. 

The room remains quiet for the longest time as Yoongi holds his breath and Hoseok sits there, the fight in him slipping away as tears fall from his eyes, hidden through the darkness of his hair. Yoongi can tell he’s crying with the way his shoulders trembles and it’s a sight that breaks him.

A sight that hurts him.

“I thought you loved her, hyung, I thought…I thought that we…that…” The lump in his throat makes it hard for him to make out proper words and while Yoongi tries to comfort him with a hand on his shoulder, Hoseok only shakes it off with a forceful flick, not wanting his sympathy. “You’re a coward,” he utters with disgust as he takes a stand, refusing to meet him in the eyes. “Just because we weren’t legally married to her doesn’t mean it’s okay to let her fall victim to Namjoon’s abuse. You think you’re not bad? That it’s easier to forgive you because you didn’t do anything?”

He scoffs, laughing bitterly. “No hyung. It’s because you didn’t do anything that probably drove her to end things. Am I good enough?” He quotes your thoughts, uttering them clearly for Yoongi to hear every word. “Did I do something wrong? Was it something I did? Why won’t they look at me? Why won’t they care for me? They still love me, right? Everything’s my fault, isn’t it? Namjoon doesn’t like me but they still do, right? They still care, right? Ah, but if they do then that means I’m forcing them to choose between me and Namjoon. Who will they choose? They’ll choose Namjoon because they loved him first. They love him. They love Namjoon. Namjoon. Namjoon. And I will always be their second choice.”

Hoseok pushes Yoongi out of anger, hating every bit of this as more tears fall, his rage getting the best of him. “How dare you let her biggest nightmare come true? Made her think she would always be our second choice?”

“Hoseok—”

“While I laid there on the hospital bed thinking everything was fine, that everything was perfect and everything was good, you could’ve done something. Y/N wasn’t ever going to tell me anything no matter how much I begged it out of her. She was hurting and yet she always smiled my way, pretending all was okay and you know what’s crazy? How convincing she was.”

You just missed him, you’d tell him, that you were worried about his injuries hurting him and while a part of that must’ve been true, Hoseok knows damn well it wasn’t all of your worries.

You lied to him and he couldn’t see through those lies. Just what else were you hiding from him? What else did you hide under that perfect dollhouse smile? Living in a world that looked so perfect, filled with so many beautiful things, of sunshine and rainbows, with nothing but laughter and a sweet smile. You filled his world with warmth, with so much care and patience, always knowing just what to do when things weren’t right, when things went wrong.

You always knew.

Always knew whenever his smile was fake, when he felt as if the world was caving in, when he’d brave himself and put on a facade that would fool millions.

Among the seven billion people that live on this earth, you’re the only one who always knew the second something was wrong with him and in turn, Hoseok fell blind to your own sufferings, to your hurting, to your pains.

He thought he knew you best but he didn’t.

He never did.

I’m tired, you told him, and Hoseok’s eyes blind with tears as he looks up at his hyung, a fist ready to land right upon his face if it weren’t for someone holding him back.

Yoongi would have let him punch him but Jungkook doesn’t.

“Hyung, stop,” the youngest one says in a plea as he forces Hoseok away with a protective stance before the older one.

Their eyes meet and Hoseok knows. Hoseok knows he can’t let his rage blind him into hurting his loved ones so he takes a step back, punching the wall instead.

“Hyung-!”

“How did she look, Jungkook?” He turns to him with a force, hand trembling, knuckles bruised as blood drips from his ripped skin.

“Hyung..”

“Tell me, Jungkook. How did she look?” He asks again with a little more force, teeth gritting. “When you forced her to her breaking point, when you stood there doing nothing but watched on, not caring to do a single thing to help her out? How did she look when she took off her wedding ring and said she wanted a divorce? I know you were there,” he takes a glance at Yoongi, “both of you. All of you.” He glances back at Jungkook, jaw clenched tightly as he demands an answer.

The younger one averts his gaze to the floor, biting onto his lower lip as he usually does when he’s trying to remain calm over his emotions. He can feel the tears coming when he remembers your face.

Your precious, precious face.

So broken and defeated.

“She smiled,” he says and Hoseok’s face crumbles.

His lips quiver as he turns back to the wall, punching and punching.

“Hyung, stop! Please!”

Even as Jungkook tries to pull him back, Hoseok pushes him off aggressively. “You don’t deserve to cry, Jungkook!” He shouts with so much emotions it breaks them both. “You don’t deserve to regret it now. Not now, not when everything’s done and over with. It’s too late to cry now. It’s too late to feel guilty for what you’ve done.”

He rips his gaze from the tears that fall down Jungkook’s cheeks, looking away from the both of them as he hits his forehead against the wall. The punches that follow weaken and even with the pain he feels from his knuckles, Hoseok knows it’ll never hurt more than how much they’ve hurt you.

He breaks down again for the hundredth time that day, strength falling weak. “You could’ve done something but you didn’t,” he whispers, his voice trembling. “You could’ve…you could’ve saved her. I love her so, so much. How could you do that to me? To her? How could you…?”

.

.

.

When Yoongi cries, he does it softly and quietly and keeps it to himself. He doesn’t like bothering people, doesn’t like the attention and questions that he earns from people when they do see him cry because he’ll never know what to say.

He hates explaining himself and would rather be invisible to the world than anything else in those moments.

He’s usually good at hiding it when he’s cried. He’ll put on a straight face and pretend those past few minutes of shedding tears were nonexistent, but for some reason, someone always manages to see right through him.

“Hyung?” Hoseok will ask after him but Hoseok isn’t here to look out for him now. He’s got his own tears to worry about.

“Yoongi?” And you’re gone.

Gone from his life because he’s pushed you away and didn’t do anything to stop you.

You’re gone, no longer there to collect after his tears.

“I thought you loved her.”

He did. He does. He does.

But Hoseok’s right; he could have saved you. He could have done something, to have done anything, to have at least made it hurt less, to have protected you from Namjoon’s anger. He could have shielded you from such words that had broken you to pieces but his negligence and the way he left you to deal with everything all on your own had only hurt you more.

He broke you.

Hoseok’s right. He might not have been the one who had broken you down with crude words but he’s still part of the reason you were driven down the edge of the cliff. He’s just as bad, just as bad as Namjoon, and shedding any tears now, regretting anything now is meaningless.

You’re gone.

.

.

.

“Do you love me?” Jimin asks, his voice small and quiet.

“I love you,” Namjoon nods.

He falls silent, eyes still in his lap as he refuses to look up. Namjoon doesn’t know what to say nor does he know what Jimin’s trying to say but still he waits there, patient enough to sit through however long it will take for Jimin to speak again, even if that means missing his meeting.

“Do you love me the same as the day you fell in love with me?” Jimin asks as if that had been the question he was meaning to ask all along.

“I do,” Namjoon answers. “Though if anything, I probably love you more than that day.”

“Ah.” Jimin nods, falling silent once more, and when he speaks again, his voice is softer, weaker, as if afraid to offend his lover but at the same time, knowing he has to say it. “Then why couldn’t it be the same for her?”

Her.

You.

Namjoon’s heart aches when he hears Jimin sniffle.

“Why couldn’t…why couldn’t you love her all the same? I…I was so cold to her.” His voice breaks, trembling. “I ignored her when she sought for my attention, for my love, and despite how many times I pushed her away, she still pressed on a smile as if saying that she understood because I was busy. I wasn’t busy, hell if she asked, I’d stop everything just to spend more time with her — she doesn’t even have to ask and I’d do it in a heartbeat. And yet…yet I…”

“Jimin..-”

“I’m sorry,” he quickly apologizes though he feels no courage to wipe the tears that have fallen, knowing only more was to come. “I’m sorry, Namjoon, I know I can’t force your feelings to change but I…I just…I wish things didn’t end like this. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Namjoon. I’m so, so sorry.”

Sorry for loving you, for choosing you.

Namjoon knows he doesn’t deserve this, doesn’t deserve Jimin’s apology. But as he sits there before the younger man, his voice refuses to leave his throat as he watches him break before him, tears falling, head refusing to even look up at him.

They love him and they chose him but in the end, they will always love you.

Why did he stop loving you?

Why did he have to break them like this?

.

.

.

“Do you think I’m selfish?”

Seokjin stops in his tracks just as he was on his way out, pausing to turn around and look at the man who sits alone in his chair, eyes distant as he stares blankly at nothing before him, head in a space elsewhere.

“Yeah,” the eldest admits without a thought and although Namjoon knows just how true that is, it still hurts to hear the truth. “I love you, Namjoon, but…do you really have no remorse?” Seokjin steps over towards him, eyes never leaving as he awaits the answer to his question.

“You know more than I do feelings are things that can never be forced,” Namjoon responds robotically.

“That may be true but that doesn’t mean what you did was right.” He places his papers onto the desk, lips pressed into a straight line. “Hoseok refuses to even look at us and the others…they aren’t doing well. Jungkook has gone completely silent, Taehyung refuses to leave his lab, Jimin doesn’t smile anymore, and Yoongi almost got himself killed the other night because he couldn’t focus. Did you really want Y/N to hate us that much? So that it’d be easier for her to leave? From what I saw, it didn’t look easy in the slightest for her.”

When Namjoon doesn’t say anything, Seokjin continues with his voice slowly growing strained as a lump grows in his throat, threatening to hide his voice, threatening to break. He presses on. “I put up with your play because between you and her, the only choice I could choose was you. This life has tied us down together, I have nothing if I leave the mafia. We owe you our lives and loyalty to the gang comes first and foremost but if I was a normal man who didn’t kill for a living, who do you think I would have chosen in that case?”

Namjoon remains silent upon those words.

“You thought you’d do all that you could to make her hate you because then it’d be easier for her to leave that way? Namjoon, can’t you see? Y/N could never hate you no matter what you do. She loves you too much for that. And yet you forced her to rip that ring off her finger.”

“If she stayed…I would have forced the six of you into a hard place.”

He knows. Seokjin knows.

Namjoon falling out of love would have broken the relationship either way and inevitably force them to pick a side. Allowing you to leave was him making their choice a little easier because they would have inevitably chosen to stay with him.

Loyalty to the mafia comes first.

Loyalty.

But, “That doesn’t mean she deserved what we did to her.”

“...I know.”

.

.

.

It takes a lot for someone like Seokjin to cry. Out of all the members in the group, no one has ever seen him shed a tear and he intends to keep it that way.

So when night falls and no one is by his side, Seokjin leaves the sanctuary of Bangtan’s manor and goes on a long, long drive down a road that never seems to end. Everything is silent when he stops in the middle of nowhere, eyes staring blankly at the stars against the horizon before him.

He remembers one specific night when he thought everyone was asleep, when he thought he was safe all to himself, only to hear a small little voice reaching out to him when he was on his way out the door.

“Seokjin?” You called unto him sweetly, a small croak in your voice indicating that you had just woken up. You rubbed your fists against your eyes, an action that caused him to immediately walk over to grab your hands away.

“What’re you doing up in the middle of the night?” He had asked. This was a year ago when things were okay, when things weren’t falling apart.

“I think I woke up because..hm…someone feels a little lonely tonight.”

“You?”

“You,” you said, eyes looking up right at him and for a second there Seokjin felt as if you had seen right through him, as if your eyes were magic and could see a portal right into his soul. He tried to shake it off, not wanting to make it a big deal, but you asked if you could go with him on the drive instead, refusing to let him be.

There was a gentle smile resting on your face as if you knew, as if all the parts of him that he was hiding from you and the members were unveiling just by a single look from you. He allowed you to ride along with him but kept silent and you basked in that silence, not uttering a single word to push him through anything he didn’t want to say.

No one’s ever seen Seokjin cry but he’s seen you cry before, lots and lots of times. And that night, you cried again right before him when he spoke the tales of his past, the life he lived before he met Namjoon, of the little boy he was who had been exploited by the people around him as if he was nothing but a living doll who had no control over his fate.

You cried hard, words choked up against your throat when you tried to say something until it got too much you resigned to just crying.

“I’m sorry,” you said, as if you were the one who had put him in such a situation, as if you were the goddess of fate that had led him to lead such a life.

In the middle of the night with nothing but the light of the stars up above shining your ways, he held onto you as you cried for him, cursing at the world for hurting the little boy that he was and for putting him through so much.

But he reassured you that he was okay now, that he didn’t have to dwell on the past anymore because he was saved. Namjoon saved him, took his hand, and gave him the life he so deserved from the very beginning.

Namjoon saved him.

Namjoon.

“Please.” The image of you kneeling on the floor flashes in his mind. Your broken voice, desperate and craving for the warmth they once so effortlessly gave you. “Please, I...I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

A tear falls from Seokjin’s eye, and when one falls, another follows along until the whole dam breaks and there’s nothing he can do to stop them.

He loves you.

Seokjin loves you so much.

But does he really deserve to say any of that now after tearing you down to pieces?

.

.

.

It was a rough, rocky road. Everything fell apart after the divorce and Namjoon took all the blames for it because he knew everything was his fault; Jungkook and Yoongi’s insomnia, Taehyung being holed up in his lab refusing to speak, Jimin’s silence, Seokjin’s anger, and Hoseok’s pains and distance.

They fell into a place darker than the depth of the ocean and Namjoon himself could feel just how different things turned out to be after you left. 

It was odd how things were okay before you came into the picture but the second you left after making such an impact in their lives, nothing was ever the same again. It was like a piece of them was missing, broken hearts that could never be filled, their souls shattered.

Your smiles, your giggles, your kindness, and your warmth.

All of it was gone.

Even the ones who never fell in love with you in the first place could feel just how empty the mafia came to be after you left. You treated the mafia well, after all, taking the effort in getting to know their names, appreciating them for their works, and greeting them with smiles whenever you got the chance. You made an impact in everyone’s lives and Namjoon took that all away from them.

But regretting was something that could never happen.

He could regret and feel guilty for all he wants, he knows he can never get you back. The contract the two of you made in the lone presence of each other wrote out rules upon never seeing each other again, no matter the circumstances.

You wrote that line yourself and it was probably a way for you to properly heal from them. Seeing them would only hurt you after all, and Namjoon accepted the words of the contract.

He has to abide by them.

Everything was his fault and he could feel the weight of that burden shaking his core. But the boys loved him, they love him.

And because of that, eventually, things came back together.

Piece by piece.

With lots of patience and lots of time.

They grew to forgive him, knew that losing feelings wasn’t something that was under his control, but Namjoon knows a part of them will always resent him for the way he treated you after he gave up on trying to keep the relationship together. You didn’t deserve his heartless actions towards you after all, and Namjoon knows that.

It took Hoseok the longest time to return to their side but he came back.

Eventually.

But while the rest of them came to accept the fact that you’re gone from their lives, Namjoon knows Hoseok still holds onto a small little hope from within.

Because whether it was out of romantic or platonic feelings, Hoseok never stopped loving you.

.

.

.

Hoseok doesn’t look at him the same way but Hoseok still loves him and Hoseok still cares.

And perhaps the reason why Hoseok decided to return to his side is because he knows you would rather it turn out that way than be the reason for their downfall.

Truth is nothing was ever your fault, Namjoon can admit that. He can admit that everything was his fault, that he is all to blame, and that a part of him will always seek for an answer as to why he stopped loving you.

He never meant to, never meant to grow irritated, never meant to get impatient, get angry, upset, and made you out to be the villain when in reality, everything was his fault. He never meant to grow envious of the way you grew up, living a peaceful life adored by your father. You told him that just because you grew up differently from him didn’t mean you didn’t have a rough time and Namjoon knows that.

He knows it in the way you have scars down your back, hidden away from prying eyes. He knows it in the way you present yourself, always kind, always gentle, towards anyone and everyone. He knows it in the way you flinch at guns, when you’d wake in the middle of the night because of nightmares, when you’d silently reach out for a hand to touch you, for arms to caress you. He knows it in the way you hold your walls way up high, always there for others but afraid to let anyone in.

He should have been more patient, should have been more careful, but his restlessness and his greed got the best of him. He wanted to know, to hear, to help, to support, but in doing so, grew impatient and snapped at you.

His excuse was wanting to make you hate him and as a result, hoped to create an easier path for you to walk on when you returned to your father. 

But in truth Seokjin was right. He knew, he always knew, that you’d never have it in your heart to come to hate him. You’re too kind for that, too gentle, too forgiving, and too loving.

You loved him too much to hate him.

“Hyung…” He stares at the picture of his precious older brother who in thought still lives and is hidden away somewhere. Namjoon lets a tear slip when he hangs his head, shoulders hunched, elbows resting on his thighs. “Tell me what to do, hyung…”

The only thing that keeps him from feeling too much guilt is the fact that you have a home to return to. A loving father, a loving family, a loving mafia who holds you to a pedestal and would never let anything happen to you.

.

.

.

Bang!

Sweet little Y/N.

Sweet and kind and gentle.

The image shatters like a glass tipped over the table with nothing soft to land on, falling into tiny little pieces with nothing that can be done to put it back to one full glass.

You hold your gun right at him, finger ready to pull the trigger without a blink in the eyes as the roaring thunder pours on and on, the only sound filling up the silence that has walked in.

The loving father that Namjoon thought him to be lies dead on the ground behind you, and the very daughter who, without hesitation, pulled the trigger on, stands before him with eyes he has never seen before.

No light shines in those eyes, not in the way he was used to, as if darkness took control of your heart and snatched away the precious light that once lit up his whole world.

Dead.

What happened to the Y/N he knew?

.

.

.

“I killed him.”

I killed him.

I killed him, I killed him, IkilledhimIkilledhimIkilledhim.

The brother he loves with all his heart, the brother who stood by his side, there from the very moment he came out of his mother’s womb, the one who held his heart, who stood against his father whenever he made a mistake, protecting him, loving him.

The very brother he held onto the hope of finding him someday lost somewhere on this tiny little Earth.

Is dead.

“..When I come back, we’ll take over Bangtan together and lead the gang into a new era.”

“You promise?”

“Mmn, I promise.”

A promise broken. A promise shattered.

“I have a brother. He…he’s missing. I don’t know where he is and I don’t know where he went but he made me a promise that he’d return. I’m saving my seat on the throne for him so that when he returns, he can sit on a chair that’s warm rather than cold.”

“You’re going to give up your seat for him?” You ask, a small little tilt in your head.

“Mmn,” Namjoon nods as a tear slips from his eye. He keeps a pressed smile on his face as he looks back at you who sits right beside him, listening to every word he has to say with much patience and much love. “The throne was rightfully his after all.”

“What will you do when he returns?”

You don’t question his disappearance, you don’t doubt Namjoon when he says his brother will return. It’s been years and those years made his own allies doubt in his words but you, you keep his hopes alive, shining bright in the darkness of the night, without any doubt clouding your thoughts.

You believe that his brother will return to his side and Namjoon smiles just as another tear falls.

“Hmm..I’d love to go on vacation with the six of you,” he says in a jest, chuckling as he imagines the scene. “Though I’ll probably have to stay a few years to help Jungwon out first, get him adjusted back into Bangtan, let him catch up on everything’s he’s missed in the past few years.”

“And then?”

“And then,” he wraps an arm around your shoulder, pulling you in close, “we’ll travel the world, go wherever you’d like.”

“Wherever I’d like?”

“Mmn. Wherever you’d like.” Namjoon looks down at you with a gentle smile as you lean in close to his chest, eyes looking straight up at him. “If you could go anywhere in this world, where would you go?”

“Hmm…” You purse your lips, thinking, but the thought doesn’t stray too far because you’re back to answer him in a heartbeat. “I wanna go where the sun never sets. I wanna go to the Land of the Midnight Sun.”

Namjoon chuckles at your reply because it’s such a you response. You hate the night, you hate the darkness. “Alright,” he says as your hand reaches out to brush away the last of his remaining tears. “We’ll go there,” he promises with a kiss pressed to the tip of your nose. “When my brother returns, I’ll take you there.”

“The day of the incident, I watched him with my very own eyes as life slipped away from him. His eyes were lifeless, dead, a corpse. In the same way I killed my mother and father, I killed your brother as well. The man who cared so much for me died at my very own hands. His death was all..my...fault.”

“Joon!” He hears his brother’s voice in the back of his mind.

“Joon!” He hears your voice in the far, distant memories.

Dead.

Dead.

They’re both dead.

The brother whom he loved more than anything in this world.

The woman who once held light to his world.

You stand before him without an ounce of emotion on your face, eyes as dead as the night you held onto Seokjin, crying out two single words uttered in a soft, soft whisper.

“Save me,” you said before falling lifeless right before their eyes.

His hands tremble by his side, fingers crawling into a fist, and he knows, he knows he shouldn’t harm you in any way, not after what you’d gone through in London, not after what Leehyung had done to you. He knows, he knows, and yet the rage and anger, the disappointment and hurt he feels overtakes his control and he lunges right at you in a blinding rage.

You killed his brother.

The first man who loved him without an ounce of hatred in his heart, the first man to accept him and welcome him into this world.

You killed his brother.