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APATHY! GREED! CORRUPTION! I started rewatching Batman Beyond earlier this year... I should really get back to that!!

Batman; Gotham by Gaslight

Within the annals of cultural, pop cultural, and historical crime, there are few whose macabre methods could reach the bloody depths that 'yours truly,' Jack the Ripper, managed to plumb.

Five brutal deaths were all it took for that deadly name to resound for Five centuries. The echo of the deed has so scarred the psyche of man that Man collectively found 'champions' of their own to face the blood-soaked beast on the battlefield of 'what if' in an attempt, perhaps, to find a semblance of cold closure on one of the most famous cold cases in history.

A murderer must be hunted by a detective, and there is no more excellent detective at DC's disposal than Batman to solve the mystery of Jack the Ripper. It is a contest between legendary figures, a Dark Knight on a quest to capture a monster, two ghosts playing a grisly game of hide-and-seek through the foggy alleys of a Victorian-era Gotham lit not by neon ...but by Gaslight.

Ironically, even though Batman is DC's greatest detective, barely any detective work is done in both the movie and the original comic it is adapted from. Any investigative work done by Batman in both mediums to uncover the identity of Jack is brushed over, and the reveal of the killer's identity had nothing to do with anything Batman had done throughout the narrative.

Ultimately, Batman is almost railroaded into solving the mystery, and the climax is somewhat underwhelming and blunts the effect of the twist reveal of Jack the Ripper's true identity.

YES. Commissioner James Gordon IS Jack the Ripper. This risky reimagining elevated this adaptation to a height that its original comic did not achieve. The twist shocked the system for any DC fan familiar with Batman's relationship with Gordon. It is also expertly hinted at throughout the film for any sharp-eyed viewer interested in a whodunit, as the narrative presented many possible suspects, but Gordon was the only one who would have fit all the facts of the mystery. The twist was further muddied by the inspired decision to design Jack the Ripper to be as angular as possible, while Gordon had a softer, more rounded silhouette.

This culminates in a climactic showdown atop a burning Ferris wheel, which was ironically begun by a knocked-over gas lamp. At the end of a brutally animated brawl, Gordon allows himself to be consumed by the fire of the burning wheel. He is a good man driven into hellfire by his hellish desires. Was he the last evil of a bygone age sacrificed for a better future? Or was he just the latest in a never-ending cycle of self-destruction, doomed to go around in a wheel until the wheel eats itself alive?

Whatever the case, Gotham by Gaslight turned a throwaway 'what if' comic story into a film that embodies everything that makes a Batman story great. The film shows that, even if lit by gas, Gotham is still a city that needs its Dark Knight, regardless of what the city deserves.

BATMAN: Caped Crusader

1940s Gotham. Corruption infects the city from root to fruit and rises like the high tide to drown out the virtues of the judiciary, the jury, and justice with the fetid rot of the swamp that is high office and bad politics.

Draining the swamp is always a matter of principle for the men and women who, on principle, oppose the injustice rampant throughout Gotham. In the face of overwhelming odds, such men and women need a champion to represent, protect, and guide them through the troubled times to a just and righteous future.

These heroes of a progressive Gotham need Batman, the Caped Crusader, and for all of Batman: Caped Crusader’s flaws, being progressive is not one of them. Instead, Batman: Caped Crusader is a poor man’s version of Batman the Animated Series wearing the 1940s on its emaciated body like a poorly fitted, stupidly loud zoot suit.

Yes, Oswald Copplebot is now a gender-flipped version named Oswalda Copplebot. Sure, Renee Montoya has a lesbian date with Harley Quinn.

So what?

Gordon is black, but Bullock takes orders from him as if he were vanilla white.

Renee kisses Harley, and Harley leaves for the rest of the season.

Detective Flass is a black man and one of the worst people in Gotham.

Batman ‘batmans,’ Gotham ‘gothams,’ and Rupert Thorne orders acid thrown into Harvey Dent’s face.

Whoop de doo, zippadeedoda, hubba hubba hubba, who do you trust?

Me? I'm reviewing Batman for free.

Regardless of most critics’ views on the Caped Crusader’s progressive leanings, my biggest problem is how pointless everything was.

Batman fights villains, investigates crimes, and fights the police. It's all on the same bat time and the same bat channel. Batman fights the Gentleman Ghost, and it is not someone dressed up as a ghost. Batman makes an honest-to-god attempt to exorcize an English nobleman ghost who hates the poor. Not only did the whole episode feel pointlessly out of place in a reasonably gritty Gotham City, but warner bros wasted their chance to introduce a 1940s John Constantine instead of who I assume is Papa Midnight.

Batman: Caped Crusader only has bleached skin and hollow bones beneath its promises of progressive storytelling and diverse casting, starved for a story that weaves the mythos of the Dark Knight with an aspect of humanity’s struggle oversaturated with cliches.

Imagine a Bruce Wayne who has to craft his persona to blend in or capitalize on a wave of new ideas that threatens to tear down the breakwaters of a conservative America reeling from a bloody world war.

Follow the struggle of a Crusader who, intent at first on taking advantage of the possible benefits provided to someone who is an ‘ally’ of lesbians and the discriminated, comes to respect these lonely men and women fighting their crusade armed with their ideals for a better Gotham and truly becomes a Dark Knight fighting for a brighter future.

Witness the ray of hope that Batman brings to those who need a champion and how it inspires the cynics to risk their lives for something greater than themselves.

There was a story in Batman: Caped Crusader. There had to be a story; you can fry up potato skins all you want, but potato skins need cheddar cheese and bacon bits inside them. Unfortunately, the show was too busy frying up a skin of progressive lesbianism and diversity, forgot to fill that skin with anything worth chewing on, and fucked up the frying as well.