Despairforme - Tumblr Posts

"Where ya been, huh??" Not like he was worried, right? (he was) . He's glad to see her again though! Maybe it even shows. [agatha <5]

ah— oh! " nnoitra! " she's grinning big and wide, running up to wrap her arms around him. " i'm so, so very sorry for not being in contact! life has just been a bit busy but that's no excuse for not at least calling or texting one of my best friends. i hope you can forgive me, nnoitra. " agatha says, looking up at him as her smile becomes apologetic. sometimes owning her own shop, taking care of her daughter and the house and the garden, it just gets to be a lot! maybe it's a sign she should take it easy for a bit. " have you been well? i hope you've been taking good care of yourself. "

her breath hitches, heart pounding harshly against her ribs as she hears his approaching footsteps. she was really hoping the man would assume it was just an animal that snapped the twig and somehow managed to flee quickly enough to get out of sight. it seems luck is not on agatha's side for that. okay, okay, calm down. she just has to wait for him to not notice her and return to his camp. she just has to remain calm, to quiet her breathing and soothe the thundering of her heart against her ribs. when he leaves, she can make her getaway, but she doesn't hear his footsteps retreating.

at the sound of the man's voice, who is much bigger up close than she assumed he would be, her gaze flickers upward, wide and startled. so he could see her? while most of her body blends in easily enough with the surrounding foliage, it's her pink speckled skin that is the hardest to hide. maybe one could assume, at first glance, it was a patch of pink wildflowers among the green, but he doesn't seem to be fooled. a shame her wings can't hide her body better. what agatha would give for him to look away or leave so she can take that chance to flee to safety.

her frilled ears lift, no longer flattened against her skull. could she really trust him? she sniffs the air, smelling another dragon on him. does he hunt them? she doesn't smell any blood on him... is his dragon a companion, perhaps? agatha lifts herself up, staying out of his reach as she moves around him to inspect him. " who... w-who a-are you? " she asks timidly, her gaze wary now as she looks up at him. did he hear of her? is he here to kill her? tame her? agatha isn't sure yet.

@despairforme / cont. from here.

@despairforme

a sigh leaves the faerie's lips as she hangs up her keys and jacket by the door, moving to the living room to toss her phone onto the couch. she kicks off her shoes and rubs her face after plopping down onto the couch. after a slew of unsuccessful dates, the temptation to just delete tinder off of her phone is ever-growing. is it just her? or the people that have swiped right on her profile? agatha isn't sure. she just knows they all sucked tremendously and that putting herself out there in this way has wasted her time. she probably has better luck simply bumping into someone that would actually want to date her.

agatha gets back up and grabs a peach soda from the fridge, uncapping and beginning to drink it as she gets something else to eat. from the kitchen, she hears a notification pop up on her phone from tinder. someone swiped right on her. she thinks to ignore it and delete the app together and put it out of her mind forever, but something tells her not to. agatha's gaze drifts toward her phone and she moves toward it, setting her drink and snack on the coffee table and reaches out for her phone. she moves past the lockscreen and opens the app and stares in surprise. of all the people to swipe right on her profile, she never expected to see her best friend, nnoitra. was this... is it a joke? not that she wouldn't take a date with him seriously, agatha just assumed... well, they're friends. she didn't think he'd have an interest other than platonic. she didn't even know he was on tinder, but she supposes it makes sense with the flings he has.

her finger hovers over the screen, hesitating before swiping right on his profile, opening up the chat.

> nnoitra? i didn't expect to see you swiping on my profile 😅 > not that it bothers me! of course not, i'm just surprised!! > are you really interested in a date or... i don't know, is this just a joke? > silly, if you wanted to say hi, you could've just texted or called me! 😊

there's a lot to consider, isn't there? nnoitra is her best friend, so if there's anyone she doesn't want to ruin her existing relationship with, it's him. even if things don't work out, even if they split amicably, it wouldn't be quite the same, would it? agatha doesn't want to hurt him, but at the same time, there was something about him asking for a date that she finds exciting. who better to go on a date with than a very good friend? there's no awkward chit chat, no weird getting-to-know-each-other stage. they can just be as they are with the added bonus of romance.

that, and agatha was trying to be more spontanous, to not put such an intense thought process behind one decission. a big decision, sure, but she wants to take the leap. she doesn't want to let her worries, her fears, or her doubts eat her up from the inside. she swallows and her thumbs hover over the touchscreen once more. don't overthink it, just do it. a smile forms on her lips as she begins to type.

> i'm game! > how about... oh! you know that new diner that opened up last month? i've heard great things about it. > it's near the theater! how about we meet there for a date? > how does 4pm today sound? maybe we could even walk over to the theater and catch a movie, too!

agatha sends the last message and sets the phone down, she did it. she's taken the leap, though maybe it's more like a series of leaps. swiping on his profile was one, messaging was another. but this feels different from the tinder dates that didn't go anywhere. already she has a really good feeling about this and it's overpowering the din of anxious thoughts in her head, pushing them to the back. oh, she's so nervous and excited at the same time! it's hard to contain herself, bouncing her leg as she awaits a response.

He was putting some real fucking effort into this shit. It was summer, which meant he had more energy than he usually did. That was the best time to look for a relationship. He'd be showing himself from his --- well --- least worst? Side. Yeah. He had no expectations. Why would anyone wanna date him? He had NO trouble finding people to sleep with. It was easiest for him to pick up guys, so in that department he could even be a little bit more picky, and choose the guys he found the most attractive. It wasn't as easy to pick up girls. They usually weren't in it only for sex. Most guys just wanted to try sleeping with a guy Nnoitra's size ( and no, not just his height )--- Women were more difficult. He needed to chat with them for far longer to get them out on a date, and Nnoitra was the worst when it came to small-talk ( and even worse if he had to text it ). He hadn't had that many dates with women, in the end. He'd never dated a chick, and he was beginning to understand why.

He was swiping tinder. He didn't swipe right on everyone, like he knew some guys did. He wasn't going to date an ugly woman. Pretty rich, coming from him, who didn't have much to show for in the looks-department.

He didn't necessarily reject women who were more on the chubby side. As long as they weren't straight-out fat. He'd prefer for her not to weigh more than him. It was too bad you only got a picture, and not a voice sample. A woman's voice was one of the most important things for Nnoitra. Or, rather, certain types of voices were an instant turn-off.

Left. Left. Left. Left. Definitely left.

He kept swiping.

Wait --- Wasn't that Agatha?

Yeah, that was her alright. He had no idea she was on tinder. He was holding his thumb over the screen, hesitating on which way he should swipe. She was incredibly nice. Not just your average "nice". She'd made him a whole-ass cook-book, just for him. It was the only reason why he'd been able to learn how to cook some basic things. She'd helped him decorate his apartment and made it "cozy". He always had a good time hanging out with her. She always - ALWAYS spoke kindly to him, without being condescending. She was girlfriend material. But they were friends. If she'd wanted anything other than friendship with him, then surely she would've given him some sorta... Sign. She had never flirted with him. He was, without a doubt, friendzoned. Had he thought about fucking her? OF COURSE. Nnoitra had thought about fucking all of his female friends ( and acquaintances ). That was just what a guy did.

He swiped right.

Fuck it. If she was horrified and disgusted by it, he could just laugh it off as an accident. Tell her he was just swiping aimlessly.

He took a chug from his beer bottle. It was early to be drinking, and it was still hours until he had to go to work. He should head out soon, actually. He'd been lazing on the couch for long enough. He was thinking of going to the beach again. He actually preferred to meet potential dates in real life, rather than online ( because he sucked at texting ).

His phone buzzed. A tinder message. He put his beer down, arching his brow slightly.

It was from Agatha.

She didn't seem... Disgusted at least. Like she said, she was surprised. He figured she was way too polite and timid to tell him straight out "sorry I'm not interested in you", so there was a good chance she was just trying to let him down gently here. He breathed out. DAMN he fucking hated mind-games. How should he reply anyway? Mah, he wasn't a coward, so he'd let his intentions be known.

to - agatha - 「 i'm up 4 a date」

to - agatha - 「 if u game」

Now, if she said "I just wanna be friends", he could still text her "I meant a friend date of course". Or whatever. He didn't want to fuck up their friendship over this. No harm done though. What COULD do harm was if they actually DID go on a romantic date, and it went horribly. He hadn't thought about that yet ( because he didn't think he'd get that far ).

it was confirmed, they would meet at the diner at four. oh, she's so excited!! even she didn't think it would get this far, assuming nnoitra would be perfectly fine with remaining as friends, but the faerie isn't complaining about him wanting a date. maybe it would work in the end and they could go on more and it could bloom into a real romantic relationship. she does hope it can.

agatha finishes her snack and soda, clearing up the garbage and quickly taking a shower. while she knows she doesn't have to impress him, it would still be good to show up to the date in something nice. once out of the shower and dried off, agatha picks out an outfit for herself. something light and comfortable, with it being summer and all. she puts on a white blouse with slightly puffy sleeves and flowers embroidered along the collar and sleeve cuffs, then a shin-length, sage green skirt that flared outward if she spun in it. next was a pair of knee highs and brown mary jane pumps. agatha checks herself out in the mirror, looking herself over. she looks pretty cute, if she does say so herself!

with some time still between now and her date, she takes the time to put her hair into long twin braids. she felt she had to do something with it. ah, maybe she'll cut it one of these days so it's less of a hassle to deal with. maybe she could ask nnoitra what he thinks. maybe that's not a first date thing. she could just ask if she gets any closer to making a concrete decision. agatha looks herself over once more. now she's all ready!

agatha grabs her phone, keys and her wallet, tucking them all into her bag. she pats clover's head, makes sure she has enough food and water, and heads out the door to her car. she turns on her radio to distract herself from the anxiety kicking in, tapping her thumbs against the steering wheel. agatha's sure she'll be less nervous once she gets to the diner. it's just pre-date jitters, that's all.

she pulls into the parking lot and grabs her bag, hesitating before heading inside. oh, boy, the place is a bit busier than she thought it'd be. well, it is a new diner, after all, but no matter! so long as both can handle it, it's perfectly fine. she scans the faces, looking for nnoitra's, smiling when she spots him. agatha heads towards the table, lightly tapping his shoulder. " i'm glad to see you here, nnoitra. " her smile grows and she sets her bag down on the booth seat, leaning it against the wall before sitting across from him. " i'm still a bit surprised you swiped on my profile, but... happy, too, and flattered that you'd show such an interest in me. must've been surprising to see me on tinder, huh? "

He was pretty much expecting her to say that "Of course we can hang out as friends", or something like that. It would be a kind, yet clear signal. It would tell him that she just wanted to stay friends and not try to take their relationship in a different direction, which would be fine by him. It wouldn't hurt his feelings. He wasn't THAT fragile.

What a surprise for him then, when she texted that she WAS game for a date. What the fuck --- He was getting excited about it. How stupid. He brushed a hand through his hair. He HADN'T expected to get this far. Okay. Shit. She was clearly interested, since she even suggested where they should go, as if to "seal the deal". Nnoitra was glad, since he always had troubles deciding where to take girls. He wasn't a very romantic person, and he always felt like he was choosing a disappointing location.

to - agatha - 「 hell yeah」

to - agatha - 「 c u at 4」

He stood up from the couch, and chugged his beer, like he was demonstrating his determination. It was a couple of hours until four. If he was going on a date he better get ready. Nnoitra wasn't the kind of guy who paid much attention to his appearance. There was only so much he could do to "improve" it after all.

First step was a shower. He usually wore his hair up in summer. He'd put it up once it was dry ( that took a while, it was so long and thick ). In the meantime he tried to find some clean clothes that didn't look like he'd fished them out of a dumpster. Something in colour, maybe. Almost all his clothes were black. Eventually he DID find a red t-shirt. It was relatively new and the colour wasn't faded yet. It was too hot outside to wear a hoodie ( unfortunately ). Nnoitra preferred to cover his skinny arms. Mah, Agatha had seen him in t-shirts before so she already knew how thin he was. No need to hide inside a big hoodie.

Black pants, red t-shirt and his usual boots... Yeah, outfit done. He put up his hair and he put some effort into it. He tried to make the bun less messy, but honestly - it wasn't very successful. Despite how he'd worn his hair long for almost his whole life, he STILL wasn't any good at styling it. Mah, whatever. Agatha already knew what he looked like so he didn't have to impress her with his looks ( there was no way for him to do that with anyone anyway ).

He stayed in his apartment until it was time to leave, so that he wouldn't get sweaty by walking around the city, or spill something on his clean clothes. THAT'S how dedicated he was here! Agatha better appreciate it ( a joke ).

He'd show up at the diner a while before 4, and grab them a booth. The diner was quite popular, so it was a good thing he could secure them seats. While he waited, he was looking at the menu. Was he nervous? Nah, but he was excited.

oh, that really makes the faerie blush now. " y-you think so? " she asks, her tone a bit sheepish as her gaze averts briefly. " way to make a gal feel special. " she giggles softly, looking back up at him as she takes one of the menus. " after my last relationship ended, a couple friends thought it'd be good if i put myself back out there to help me move on. had a handful of dates but they didn't really go anywhere. they were more interested in hookups than i was, so no, that's not why i'm on the app. " it's a little disappointing, but if tinder didn't work, agatha probably would've just gone back to hoping she'd happen to bump into someone that would have an interest in her. it's the hopeless romantic in her.

" i was even going to delete the app off of my phone until i saw you in my notifications. because of you, i wanted to give it at least one more chance. " agatha tells him with a smile, glancing over the menu to decide on what she'd like to drink and eat. she sets the menu aside, folding her hands on the table. regardless of how the date goes, good or bad, she'll be deleting the app from her phone anyway. " honestly, i have high hopes of our first date turning out well. i mean, we don't have to get past any awkward stages, we don't have to be anyone other than ourselves. it feels... natural. " and it does to agatha, it really does, and so she hopes even more that it'll go well.

What should he choose? He was still looking at the menu. He should be the one to pay, right? Girls normally expected that. Nnoitra had a bad habit of never paying for anything if he could help it. It probably came from how he'd been really poor for most of his life. Agatha didn't know about that. Nnoitra wasn't one to share much about himself unless asked, so his past had never come up in conversation. Probably for the best.

He looked up from the menu to see Agatha arrive. She was smiling, and touched his shoulder before she sat down. She was dressed nicely, he noted. Nnoitra liked his women feminine. The least attractive kind of woman was one who tried to be masculine, so he could definitely appreciate Agatha's chose of outfit. When he was picking up a chick to fuck, he'd go for that bimbo-look. But - he wouldn't want a potential girlfriend to dress like a slut. She'd styled her hair too. She was way better at that than him.

She sat down opposite him. He was smiling a little too. Not wide enough to show teeth yet, but that changed when she mentioned him swiping on her profile. He grinned. ❝ Yer obviously girlfriend material. ❞ He really was a straight-forward sort of guy, and didn't feel embarrassed about stating this. ❝ Yeah, I was surprised 'ta see ya on there. Didn't know ya were lookin' 'fer someone. I'm guessin' ya ain't on there 'fer a simple hook-up. ❞ That was how A LOT of people used that app. ❝ I've been single 'fer, what? Three years? So 's time 'ta at least try 'ta date again. ❞ He said it like he wasn't hoping for much success. Better take the pressure off of her. He wanted her to know that even if this date didn't work out between them, they could still be friends. She'd have to do something REALLY fucked-up for him to not want to be friends with her anymore. The one who had to make sure not to fuck up was HIM. He often hurt people. On purpose, most of the time, but also unintentionally. He supposed it was a good thing that he had an incentive to behave on this date. Keeping her friendship. That way she'd get to see the better side of him. The side that ( hopefully ) could pull its shit together.

a soft laugh leaves agatha, her smile growing as she gives a light shrug of her shoulders. " maybe. i don't know that i believe in fate, but sometimes you can kind of feel it, you know? or at least i can. when something feels right and like it's meant to be. " she doesn't want to scare nnoitra away by proclaiming he might be 'the one' or that they're soulmates when even she isn't sure. it was hard to tell when someone was the one, though being here with him does feel right. it feels good.

" i never really thought there was anything wrong with being in the friendzone, but then again... well, let's just say men and women don't tend to find lack of confidence or self-esteem particularly attractive. same with self-loathing. " her smile falters a little and she shifts in the booth a little. rarely did agatha admit to how she used to feel about herself, especially now that she doesn't really feel that way anymore. " the guy i was with in my first relationship was kind and patient enough to help me through all of that and encouraged me to get therapy, which helped immensely. " agatha's full smile returns. she was in a much better headspace thanks to that first relationship.

now she laughs and toys with the fidget ring on her thumb. " sorry. i know dates very rarely enjoy listening to the other talk about past relationships, so i won't bring it up anymore. " agatha says, shaking her head. when nnoitra mentions that they already get along, her smile grows and she nods. " exactly! of course, we can still use this as a test date to see if we'd like more dates, and if not, then we just go back to being friends. " though agatha can't help but hope that this will work and they don't have to go back to being just friends. " by the way, have you decided what you'd like to order? "

You'd never get any fake-ass compliments from Nnoitra. He never, EVER said anything nice unless he meant it. The downside was that he hardly ever gave any compliments, but at least when he did give them they were sincere. He was surprised he could make her blush that easily. Just by telling her the truth. Surely she had to know she was girlfriend material? Then again, Agatha didn't have all that much confidence. Nnoitra just grinned, glad he could make her feel special. That was the mission when you went on a date with a chick. To make her feel like she was special.

So she had high hopes, huh? Well - FUCK . He preferred when the bar was as low as fucking possible, because he really wasn't the most romantic dude ( in fact, he was the least romantic guy ever ). This was one of the reasons why his dates with guys typically went better than when he tried going out with girls.

It was true though. She already knew he wasn't a romantic guy. She already knew that he could be rude and dismissive and that he had a gloomy aura. They didn't have to get to know each other. She already accepted his personality. At least as a friend. But surely, in a boyfriend, she'd be looking for something MORE? Could he fill those shoes? He decided not to think too much about that. It wasn't like he had any choice other than to just be himself.

❝ 'Daz like fate, yeah? Like we were supposed 'ta go on this date. ❞ He said, jokingly. He didn't think he believed in fate. ❝ Yeah, gettin' 'ta skip 'da gettin'-'ta-know-each-other part 's fuckin' great. ❞ It was a step he often failed. Most girls recognized him as a major red flag from the start. ❝ I thought I was friendzoned. ❞ A laugh followed. Most guys thought they were friendzoned. Nnoitra had quite a lot of female friends so... Yeah, it was a zone he knew surprisingly well. ❝ But I guess trynna' date a friend ain't bad. I already know we get along. ❞

agatha gives a light shrug of her shoulders, head tilting slightly as she does. " i like confidence in people, but it's not a... i-it's not specifically what i look for. it's not a requirement, i mean. " but of course, to each their own, right? she knows some men do like confidence, she knows some don't. she isn't one to judge. " i like being confident because it feels good. it feels good to look at my work and be satisfied with what i see. same with when i look in the mirror. i'm not vain, by any means. or at least, " agatha pauses to laugh sheepishly, " i hope i'm not. i just wanted to be happy with what i do and the way i present myself, if that makes sense. "

that was where the therapy came in handy. she didn't want to be cocky, she just wanted to be satisfied with herself. she wanted to stop hating herself, to stop feeling so much sadness and hurt. to move on from the past and better herself.

" oh, yeah? " she asks now, her smile returning. " i think it's good when you can still be friends with your ex. i mean, just because you break up, it doesn't mean you have to throw the whole relationship away when you still have friendship, right? " agatha was still friends with the man from her first relationship. they parted ways amicably and still had a solid friendship, so why not? " i know you'll try, nnoitra. i believe in you and i believe that this can and will work. "

though agatha hopes she isn't pushing it too much, or at all. no relationship should be pushed or forced, she's just... she has a lot of faith and hope. that was another thing therapy gave her: hope, among other things. the feeling that, in the end, things will work out and it'll all be okay.

she listens to what nnoitra wants, glancing over the menu once more. a burger and fries does sound really good. she does usually go for the salad (caesar, specifically, as that was her favorite and it isn't often she deviates from her favorite foods), but lately she's been trying to broaden her palate a little whenever she gets the chance to eat out somewhere. " really? " agatha lifts her head. " well, thank you, nnoitra. " her smile grows and she looks back down at the menu before setting it aside once she makes her decision.

her gaze flickers up to the waitress when she comes to their table, ordering for herself once nnoitra finishes with his. " i'll go with the bacon cheeseburger, the steak fries and just a large chocolate milkshake. thank you. " definitely her idea of splurging a little when it comes to food.

Oh, yeah, he knew all about something "feeling right". It was just that that sort of thing... Unfortunately was more of a fairytale than anything. At this point, he was ready to settle for something that just didn't feel wrong. He just wanted to feel loved again, okay? Was that too fucking much to ask for? Probably, considering he was not very lovable---

❝ Mah, I guess 'daz more for women than 'fer men, yeah? Women want confident guys. Confidence ain't 'da first thing we look 'fer in a woman. ❞ Had Agatha also been sold the "girlboss" lie? These days women seemed to think that men valued them for their confidence, when that was far from the case. Well, it was best if the woman wasn't constantly complaining about feeling bad about herself, but it was even worse if she was bragging about herself.

Agatha told him about her past relationship. Nnoitra hadn't even met the guy, but if he was the type to suggest someone should go to therapy... There was no way Nnoitra would've gotten along with him. He was a strong opponent of therapy. Why the fuck would whining to a random ass stranger help you out? Maybe it worked for women, who liked talking about their feelings. He was glad that Agatha was happier now though. He knew what it was like to carry a lot of self hatred, and he didn't wish that upon her. ❝ All good, all good. ❞ He said, waving his hand slightly. He didn't mind her talking about her ex. As long as HE didn't have to talk about his ex.

❝ Yeah, I'm actually still friendly with one 'a my exes, so I'm sure we can stay friends even if datin' don't work out. ❞ It sounded like he wasn't too keen on dating her, so he added - ❝ But I'mma try real hard 'ta make it work. ❞ He WAS invested after all.

❝ Ya know me. I need LOTS 'a food, so I'mma go with nr. 12. ❞ It was a burger called "the tower", and Nnoitra was banking on it living up to its name. ❝ 'N extra fries 'n a super large milkshake. ~ ❞ He hummed, excited to get to eat. ❝ I can pay. ❞ He told her. Extremely out of character for him, since he was always getting people to pay for him. But this was a date and he was serious, so of course he'd pay. Especially since he was on a date with a woman.

The waitress overheard them talking about what they'd wanna order, and came over to their table. Nnoitra made his order. He wondered if Agatha would to the cliche girl-move and order a salad.

it's noticeable that he doesn't remain on that topic of self-worth for very long. he always carried himself pretty confidently, tall and fairly proud, but agatha was a very observant person. she noticed more subtle things, like slight changes in expression, how the look in someone's eyes might not match what they're outwardly feeling. she could sometimes catch what someone was really feeling, but agatha assumed, if he wanted to, he would talk.

maybe it wasn't really a matter of wanting to, though. she knows his views on things like therapy, on sharing one's life and being vulnerable and open. based on that, agatha assumes it's just not something he'd do. if he ever changed his mind, be it about talking to a therapist or someone in general, she would support him and be there for him. she wouldn't be a very good friend or girlfriend if she wouldn't, right? and agatha always took pride in being the best friend and girlfriend she could possibly be.

agatha visibly perks up now as their milkshakes are set down, fidgeting in the booth in her excitement. she takes her cup and takes a sip, humming in content at the taste. " man, this is a really good milkshake. " she says with a growing, delighted smile. maybe she'll have to come here more often! it's already a really good place for a first date, so it already seems the perfect place for more. maybe next time she'll have to try the strawberry milkshake.

she glances up at him again, head tilting slightly, like a puppy. anything she'd like to ask him? agatha's head tilts to the other side and her expression grows thoughtful as her gaze lowers to the table. " i'm not sure i can think of anything right now... " she murmurs, shaking her head a little. she wasn't usually too good at asking things of her date. not that agatha didn't want to know anything about them! quite the opposite, in fact. it was just that she often had too many questions swimming around in her head and it was difficult to pick one to ask first.

she looks back up at nnoitra. " b-but i'm sure i could come up with something if you wanted to ask me things! " agatha smiles, taking another sip of her milkshake. " anything you want to know, just ask. i'm pretty open about myself when prompted. "

To Nnoitra, it didn't sound like Agatha was describing confidence, but more self-acceptance. Being "happy" with yourself... Was that what confidence was like? He didn't like this sort of psychological/philosophical debate. He viewed himself as a pretty confident person. Or, rather - a fearless person. He definitely had his insecurities. That he never showed anyone.

❝ Yeah, it makes sense. Ain't that what we all want? ❞ To be happy? With oneself. With what you did in your life. That ship had fucking sailed long ago, hit an iceberg and sunk to the bottom of the goddamn ocean. He wasn't going to fool himself and think otherwise. He REALLY didn't like to talk about this sort of thing. Nnoitra was bad at holding... Deeper conversations. He never knew what to say. Usually he was the sort of guy who just told the truth or what was on his mind, but not with THIS type of thing. Not when it could show his weaknesses.

❝ 'Daz right. As long as nobody does somethin' really fucked up. ❞ Like he'd done to Grimmjow. No wonder the two of them were not on speaking terms. He didn't even know where he was.

I believe in you, she told him. Ah. That was quite sweet. He didn't know if he should be feeling added pressure or not. He thought he felt relieved rather than anything. He wanted her to at least have some faith in him, and not think he'd fuck it all up right off the bat.

She didn't order a salad. Nnoitra approved. He never understood why girls liked to pretend in front of their date that they didn't eat like normal people.

Their milkshakes would arrive pretty quickly, since they were easy to make. Nnoitra always got that borderline childish expression when he was presented with sweet food, and he grinned. The milkshake was just as good as it looked. He nodded slowly in bliss and approval while he sipped from the straw.

❝ 'S there anythin' ya wanna ask me? Yanno, that ya didn't need 'ta know 'bout me when we were just friends, but that ya'd wanna know 'bout a potential boyfriend. ❞ Woah --- He'd always hated when the word boyfriend was used about him by his exes, but with Agatha? It was fine. Because she was a woman.

a soft laugh leaves the faerie and she nods. " yeah, i do love animals. i always have and i'm quite positive i always will. " growing up with the life she had, animals were just easier to communicate with. being a faerie most certainly helps, but she didn't face judgement, she didn't face bullying or harassment. agatha could relax, she could be herself without worry and fear.

" ideally, though? oh... sometimes i entertain having a whole farm. " agatha tells him with a sheepish smile, her hand coming up to rub her neck. it was silly, she knows, especially with all the work and effort it takes to run a farm. it'd be small, of course. some pigs, some cows, some chickens, some crops. flowers, too, obviously. it seems perfect, but it seems more a dream than reality. agatha isn't sure she could run a farm anyway (certainly not without help, at least), especially when she's happy being a florist. it's just something she entertains now and then.

she gives a thoughtful hum, fingertips lightly tapping against the table. " realistically, i'd be happy with my dog, clover, and a cat or two, though it feels like i have more pets than i really do because i leave food out for the strays that have started hanging out by the flower shop. strays need love, too. " her features soften, smiling warmly and sweetly as she speaks. agatha takes another sip from her milkshake, trying to pace herself and not get a brainfreeze.

agatha thinks now, head tilting again as she tries to sift through the questions swirling around in her mind. it's hard to choose just one at a time when there are so many things she can ask. she also just tends to have difficulty figuring out what's appropriate to ask during a first date. " when you're with someone, n-not just a one-night stand or a little fling, but when you're dating someone, do you like being called pet names? babe, dear, darling, sweetheart, names like that. of course, when i get the chance to talk about you, i'd be calling you just 'nnoitra' or 'my boyfriend', or both, but when it's just us, what would you like? "

❝ Yeah, it's real good. No wonder this place 's popular. ❞ They probably used high quality ice cream for the milkshakes to make them taste this nice. Nnoitra was already wondering if he should order another one later. Maybe they wouldn't stay here for long enough. Who knew how long this date would last?

He was... Kinda surprised that she didn't want to ask him anything. Like, nothing at all? Even strangers usually JUMPED on the opportunity to ask him about his bad eye or how he'd grown so tall. But Agatha didn't want to ask him anything. So that meant she already thought she knew everything she needed to know about him. Which was weird, since he didn't think she knew that much about him. That could only lead him to one conclusion.

She wasn't all that interested in him.

With how nice the tone had been between them, he'd thought the date had been going pretty well. He mentally face palmed. WHY did he have to be so fucking BAD at reading social situations? Here he was, thinking it was going well, while SHE was thinking it was going straight to hell. Maybe she didn't even want to go out with him in the first place, and was only here to be nice. That wouldn't be surprising. She WAS a very nice person after all.

He was feeling kinda defeated, not to mention stupid. A very common feeling for him. He comforted himself with having some more milkshake, while he thought about what questions to ask her. Anything you want to know, she said.

Of course, what Nnoitra was interested in that he didn't already know about her ( as his potential new girlfriend ) was related to sex. He knew it would be mean to ask her. It would make her uncomfortable. Since they'd clearly just go back to being friends after this date, it was unnecessary of him to embarrass her like that. She'd probably see it as cruel. He should ask something else. Something that wouldn't mess up their friendship.

❝ Yer really in'ta animals, yeah? So, how many animals would ya wanna have, ideally? ❞ He gave a small grin, like he was imagining her filling a whole house with animals. It was a pretty good question, he thought. The type of question you could ask your friend too. Nothing too invasive. Damn, he was doing well. He was going to buy himself a whole ass treat afterwards.

" aw, you're not a stray to me, nnoitra. " she giggles, shaking her head. no, doing things for others was one of the biggest ways she shows she cares for someone. they're hungry? can't afford a meal? she'll be happy to get food for them. doing things for others, helping them in someway, it's second nature for agatha. she just gets so happy when she gets to help someone and do things for them.

when he specifies that he'd prefer his name to be used, she gives an understanding nod. " okay, i'll go with that, then. " her smile grows as she speaks. she wouldn't want to make him uncomfortable by referring to him with things he doesn't want to be called. hopefully she doesn't slip up and do it on accident!

" as for me, i'm fine with whatever, but also you don't have to go out of your way with pet names. " she laughs softly, taking another sip of her milkshake. it was starting to melt a little and getting easier to drink through the straw now. she doesn't feel quite so worried about a brainfreeze, either, taking another sip. " something cute like honey, sweetheart, that's fine. or you can just call me agatha or aggie. i don't have much of a preference one way or another. "

her gaze lifts as the waitress returns with their food. " this looks delicious, thank you. " agatha takes a second to tuck her napkin into the collar of her blouse. she looks to nnoitra's plate, smiling in amusement. " they don't call that one 'the tower' for nothing, huh? " she asks with a giggle. she'd probably have to squish the burger to be able to eat it. her own burger was fairly normal in size, certainly easy enough to eat. her mouth is already watering from the smell of it.

she thinks to herself a little as she begins to eat, bouncing her leg. " what kind of movies do you like? personally, i'm a big fan of horror. i like fantasy and sci-fi, too! but you'd know that already, you've seen my collection of movies. " agatha says with a sheepish laugh. " i enjoy the same genres with books, too. "

With how eager she seemed to answer the question, he'd clearly picked a good one. Maybe his social skills were improving? He was surprised to hear she was so fond of animals that she'd wanna live on a farm. Nnoitra --- didn't like animals. They didn't like him, and he didn't like them. He had a personal grudge against cats at this point, because of all the attention Tulip and Pantera had gotten ( Grimmjow's cats ). Dogs always barked at him because they saw him as a threat. He hated horses and sheep because their appearances just freaked him out for no reason... Yeah, living on a farm? He disliked the thought of being surrounded by that many animals. He did, however, feel drawn towards an outdoorsy life like that. He could definitely get used to physical work ( he did have a pretty physical job to begin with ).

Realistically, she just wanted a dog and a couple of cats. If they were going to date - and if things went well - they'd probably end up living together at some point. Nnoitra had lived with animals before, so yeah... He could get used to it, but he wouldn't be happy about it.

Why was he even thinking about this? She wasn't interested in him like that.

Or was she?! Because next, she DID ask a question that indicated that she DID want to date him. Nnoitra had no fucking idea what to do with these mixed signals.

What kind of pet names did he like? She was saying she'd refer to him as my boyfriend when speaking about him to other people... This wasn't something she would've told him if she wasn't serious about wanting to date him. Was he over-complicating things? Damn, and here he'd thought he was getting better at reading social situations... Turns out he really was TERRIBLE at it.

❝ Strays need love too, huh? That explains why yer always feedin' me. ❞ He joked, buying himself some time. Man oh man, he had NO IDEA what kind of pet-names he liked. His exes had both been guys, and Nnoitra had disliked the pet-names they'd used for him. Kyota had for the most part just called him "nnoi", which was fine... Though he preferred his whole name. Grimmjow had called him "babe", and Nnoitra had always disliked it ( though he'd accepted it, and gotten used to it ). But - having a guy use a pet-name for you and having a girl do it... It was not the same. That's why Nnoitra didn't know what to answer.

❝ I prefer my name. ❞ He eventually decided on. ❝ Pet-names really don't suit me, yanno? ❞ He was grinning a little. Yeah, they didn't suit him. He was NOT a "darling", or a "sweetheart". He was a fucking asshole. ❝ Ya can't look at me 'n think I look like a dear. ❞ He leaned back in his seat, gesturing to himself with his vacant hand, while he exhaled a laugh. ❝ What'cha prefer 'ta be called? All'a 'da pet-names would suit ya. ❞ He's used to call Kyota "princess" as a joke, which the other had hated. Grimmjow? He'd ironically called him "sunshine". What would he call Agatha?

a laugh leaves agatha and she nods. joke or not, that was fine with her. nnoitra was more the serious, manly type. cute wasn't his forte, and she understands that. " my name or nickname is perfectly fine if you don't see yourself calling me pet names. " sure, agatha would like cute names — babe, honey, sweetheart — but it isn't a requirement. she understands it just isn't everyone's thing and that's okay.

agatha eats her burger, being polite and chewing and swallowing before saying anything. she eats some of her fries, washing it down with her melting milkshake. it was certainly nice to know they have a mutual interest and love for food. she's always liked food, it was just her relationship with it that had been the issue, starving herself of it at many times, sometimes even forgetting to eat, but agatha was better about that now. she does still try to eat healthy, but she's not so adamant about watching calories and such (it's why she isn't so horribly thin anymore), and when she wants something of the unhealthy variety, she reminds herself it's not so bad to have it, like now with the meal she ordered for herself.

" so we do have similar movie interests. " agatha says after chewing and swallowing a couple of the steak fries. she smiles up at him, glad to remember there are at least a few things they share mutual interest in. agatha definitely knows nnoitra isn't one for romantic movies or chick flicks and would know better than to take him to see any or buy any for him. " i'm not too big a fan of action, but i do still like it sometimes. i like watching some of the stunt work they do for movies like that. "

hearing that he still uses the cookbook she made for him makes the faeries' smile grow. " i'm so happy you still use that! i think maybe that's the best gift i've ever given someone. " agatha admits with a delighted laugh. she usually tries to be thoughtful with gifts, giving them things they can use t some point in their life. she's a practical gift-giver. agatha loves when someone can use what she gives them, because, in turn, it makes her feel useful. " how many dishes would you say you've made with the cookbook? "

Seemed she was fine with not using any pet-names for him. Good. He didn't like them. They always seemed disingenuous. Or belittling. What was wrong with using a person's name? He wasn't surprised that Agatha liked being called something cute. Yeah, of course she did. She was the cutesy type of person. The very opposite of Nnoitra. He wondered if there was any way he'd be able to fit into her idea of a boyfriend. SURELY she was thinking he'd be sweet with her?

❝ Somethin' cute, huh? Well, ya know me, I'm real good with that cute stuff. ❞ He grinned, jokingly. They'd been friends for long enough that she'd know that he was neither the "cute" type nor the romantic type. He WOULD probably find a pet-name for her eventually though. If they even ended up dating...

❝ Oh, sweet! ❞ The burger really DID live up to its name. Nnoitra was excited to eat. He was very hungry ( when wasn't he? ). If he hadn't had such a big-ass mouth, he would've had to squish the burger in order to eat it. But, his very large mouth was more or less MADE for this type of challenge. He eagerly picked up the burger with both hands, and began to eat.

It was kinda cute that Agatha seemed excited about the food too. It was nice to see they DID have stuff in common.

❝ Sci-fi is my favorite. ❞ Nnoitra replied after having swallowed the third bite of his burger. He wasn't going to attempt to express himself while chewing this massive meal. ❝ Fantasy second, third would be horror. I also like action stuff, as long as 'da storyline ain't too complicated. ❞ He just wanted to see cool action scenes, okay? It was true that the two of them had already watched plenty of movies together, so they did know about each other's tastes. It was a good thing they liked the same type of movies. Nnoitra was not going to sit through romantic comedies or whatever. ❝ Mah, ya probably already know that I don't read, yeah? I only read 'da cook-book ya made 'fer me. ❞ It really was THE ONLY BOOK he'd ever willingly open, and he'd used it plenty since she gave it to him.

agatha feels... extremely proud and happy that he was really putting the cookbook to good use. not that she assumed nnoitra would simply let it collect dust on a shelf, it was just... well, she made a gift for him and he was using it!! talk about feeling useful. it makes her wiggle in the booth a little, unable to contain her happiness and excitement, though agatha soon manages to calm herself.

" really? that honestly makes me so happy. i've tried the same recipe multiple times! there's some i think i've made so many times i have all the ingredients and measurements stored right up here. " agatha lightly taps her temple with her finger, a soft giggle leaving her. " i hope we can cook together more often, especially since i have more energy for it these days. " would she sound like an asshole for assuming she would be doing most of the cooking if the date is successful and they get into a relationship? it was just, well, it wasn't anything against him, agatha just knows he really enjoys her cooking.

" oh, don't be ashamed about your first scrambled eggs. " agatha snorts, shaking her head. " you should've seen one of the times i made grilled cheese. i had the heat too high on the burner and i got distracted with something else. one side was almost completely black and it even left a perfect bread-shaped imprint of burnt bread on the pan. " she tells him with a giggle, her hand rubbing her neck. she was still a little embarrassed about that, but if there was any time to learn to not be distracted while cooking, it was that one. " it wasn't particularly fun to scrape off the burnt bits off the pan. "

even while nnoitra had finished eating, agatha was still making her way through her burger and first milkshake. it was all quite filling, so she wanted to pace herself a little more. she's almost done, though.

she glances back up at nnoitra after wiping her mouth with her napkin. her head tilts slightly. " there is something i always wanted to ask you, pretty much since the day i met you, but i guess i was worried it'd come off as being too nosy or pressing on something that might be a personal topic. " agatha says, straightening up, her gaze flickering to the eye covered by the eyepatch. " what... did happen to your eye? " she asks now, sipping her milkshake. " obviously, if you don't want to tell me, you don't have to. i won't pry! "

One of the notable things about their time spent together, that Nnoitra hadn't even thought about until now, was that he could actually make her laugh. He was not a funny guy, even though he could crack jokes ( as long as he was in a good mood ). None of his other friendships involved him making the other person laugh, at least he didn't think so.

He thought about this while he ate the burger, and the onion rings. He was a pretty quick eater unfortunately, so even with the size of the meal, it wouldn't take him long to finish. Not that he needed to pace himself. He could always just order more food. He was for sure going to have another milkshake. His appetite seemingly endless.

❝ Mah, ain't like we gotta watch action if ya don't like it. ❞ That was only fair. It wasn't a must-watch thing for him. He'd MUCH rather watch horror or sci-fi.

The cook book was the best gift she'd ever given someone? He was surprised that HE would be the recipient of that gift then. But yeah, it was a fucking great gift. It was a girly thing, appreciating how thoughtful a gift was... But mah, it was different with the cook-book, because it was the first time anyone had bothered to help him out with his dyslexia. Was it so weird that he appreciated that?

❝ It was kinda my new-years resolution, 'ta learn 'ta cook at least basic shit. Ain't no way I could'a started that without yer book. ❞ It was true. He felt a little stupid for talking about this. Learning to cook basic stuff... Wasn't something you should be proud of. Yet, he was. He hoped it didn't show too much ( though he was grinning ).

❝ I've tried almost all'a 'da recipes now. I only got two left, 'da most difficult ones. I try 'ta make a dish many times before movin' on 'ta 'da next one. So I ain't skippin' steps, yanno? My first scrambled eggs... Lets just say only I would eat that shit. ❞ Now he too was laughing ( more of a chuckle, maybe ). He'd worked his way from the most basic recipes to the more complex ones ( which were still considered super easy, he was sure ).

" good, i'm glad! " agatha's smile grows big and wide. really, it isn't hard at all to make her happy and that's probably evident enough when he agrees that they could cook together. they could cook, bake, and given they share good deal of mutual interests, they could do so much together! all in all, she was generally fairly easy to please. does it come off as her having low standards? she isn't sure. her standards aren't very high, but agatha just sees herself as fairly...well, not low maintenance, but somewhere around the middle.

she finishes eating, gently pushing her plate to the side and untucking her napkin from her collar, balling it up and placing it on the plate. bringing her milkshake toward her, she drinks more from the glass.

agaths looks back up at nnoitra when he speaks. she props her elbows against the edge of the table, lacing her fingers together under her chin to show he had her full attention while he talks about how he lost his eye.

" goodness, that must've been pretty terrifying, huh? " she asks with a soft laugh. she feels she handled his story fairly well, but maybe it helps he didn't go into any gory details. he was straight to the point and agatha definitely appreciates it. sure, she watches a lot of horror movies, but that was fictional. she isn't sure she would've had the stomach for details of a real life event like that.

she takes another sip from her milkshake. " must've been pretty painful. i can't imagine going through something like that. " she tells nnoitra, scrunching her face a little as she shakes her head. her features relax and she continues, " it must've been strange, too, suddenly having limited vision. was it easy to adapt? i imagine it took some time getting used to it. it's probably even a miracle you survived all of that! " she exclaims, but then agatha's gaze softens. " i'm glad you did, nnoitra. i'm happy you're still here. " not just because of being able to have a date with him, but because of all of the time they've spent together. agatha is happy to have nnoitra in her life.

It didn't take much to make her happy, huh? All he'd done was use the gift she'd given him. It was actually a very good thing that it was easy to make her happy, because --- Nnoitra was fucking shitty at stuff like that.

❝ Hell yeah we can cook 'ta'gether! ❞ He grinned, looking really engaged in this idea. Then she could show him some stuff and techniques. Nnoitra was very much a visual learner ( youtube was his go-to whenever he needed to figure something out ). ❝ Yanno even if 'da grilled cheese was pitch black I'd still eat it. ❞ No, he wasn't kidding. It was hard to imagine Agatha making such a mistake while cooking, but... Yeah, it DID make him feel a little better, to know that it wasn't JUST him being completely useless.

He'd finished eating now, and was just chewing on the final onion ring. The milkshake was empty too. He swirled the straw around in the glass, trying to see if there was any cream he'd be able to scoop up ( there wasn't ).

When Agatha mysteriously started with: There is something I've always wanted to ask you - he looked up and over at her. He was pretty sure he knew what she'd ask him.

Yeah, she wanted to know about his eye. Everyone always wanted to know about that, which was all good.

❝ 'S fine, I don't mind. ❞ He never understood the point of being sensitive about shit like that. He'd much rather people just ASK him about his bad eye, instead of speculating.

❝ When I was eighteen, I got stabbed. ❞ It was such a long time ago now, so it definitely didn't bother him. The traumatic memory somewhat faded now. What had helped processing what had happened was definitely the fact that he knew he'd deserved it.

❝ 'Daz how I went blind on that eye. Afterwards 'da stab wound got infected so 'daz why my eyepatch is so big. 'Ta cover 'da whole scar. ❞ He gestured around the rim of the eyepatch. ❝ Ya'd think gettin' stabbed was enough, yeah? But a few years ago, I got shot too. ❞ He breathed out a can-you-believe-this-shit-laugh. ❝ 'Da exit scar 's right here - ❞ He pointed to a few inches behind his ear. Of course the scar there was covered by hair ( and, it was pretty small anyway ). ❝ 'S a pretty good story, yeah? ❞ He didn't want he to be too freaked out about it, hence why he was trying to make light of it. He knew she was going to say something like: I'm sorry. Girls always did that when he told them, because they didn't know WHAT to say. They thought they had to feel sorry for him, but honestly, Nnoitra didn't need that shit. He hated pity.

terrible at catching small things? yeah, she can imagine that. not only does he have less vision but his peripheral would be pretty messed up, as well has hand-eye coordination. she's making a mental note of that, to not toss small things to him, even with warning. she'll just hand it to him. that would be for the best anyway because agatha would hate to make him feel terrible and like a fool. it's probably already a good thing she hadn't tried to toss anything to him. though hearing he'd lost the ability to play something he was passionate about, that makes her shoulders sink and her smile fade a little. agatha would hate that, too.

" i'm sure the doctors were pretty fascinated by that. " she tells him, her smile returning. they even wrote a paper? she'd feel pretty honored, though nnoitra sounds like he could care less about the paper being written, like it was a thing he just may as well have let the doctor do, like he didn't also believe it was all a miracle. now as he asks her about scars, agatha gives a shake of her head.

" it'd be hypocritical of me to freaked out about scars. " agatha says, lowering her gaze and drinking the last of her milkshake and pushing the glass aside to be next to the plate. she leans back in the booth, folding her hands and resting them on the table. she had never even mentioned those scars to him before, she never even let him see them. if a relationship does form from this date today, she's sure he'll see them at some point.

agatha looks back up at nnoitra. " i have my own, so i think it'd be silly of me to tell you that i couldn't handle seeing yours. i imagine you'd want to take the eyepatch off every now and then, so you're more than welcome to do so with me around, nnoitra. " she tells him, her smile growing as she gives a nod. " it won't upset me or make me squeamish, i promise. " it certainly won't change agatha's view of his appearance. he's a handsome guy to her.

she glances to her plate, then back up at him. " did you want to order anything more? or do you want to pay and just head over to the theater and catch a movie? " would she oppose having another milkshake? absolutely not. they were very good.

Pretty terrifying, huh? Yeah, maybe. The memory was distant, so he was no longer able to call forth the emotion he'd had back then. ANYONE would be scared in that situation. Even him. He did remember that the main feeling he'd had back then hadn't been fear. It had been pain. ' Pretty painful ' did not cover it. He'd known a lot of pain throughout his life and that BY FAR topped it. Even getting shot had not been as bad as getting stabbed. He knew she didn't want to hear the gory details, so he'd spare her.

❝ Adaptin' fuckin' sucked. I'm still shit at catchin' small stuff. Like if someone toss me a soda can or somethin'. ❞ He illustrated by fake-grabbing something in the air. He remembered several times when someone had "tossed him a beer" to be nice to him, and it had ended up hitting him in the chest ( would've hit his face, if he hadn't been so damn tall ). ❝ 'Da shittiest thing was that I had 'ta stop playin' basketball. I was 'da team captain 'a my highschool team. ❞ He was not the leader-type, but he'd been solo-carrying that team so... They'd made him captain.

Was it a miracle? The getting-stabbed part hadn't been life threatening, but getting shot in the head? That was the type of shit that most people didn't survive. Nnoitra was "lucky" that way. Though, if it had been up to him... He sure would've loved to just fucking kick the bucket at that time. The fact that he'd survived was almost a sort of joke. Agatha was glad he'd survived but... He was not. Not even now, when he was sitting here with her, having a pretty good time.

❝ Yeah, they called it a miracle. 'Da doctor who treated me even wrote up... What do they call it? A scientific paper? Somethin' like that, 'bout my case. So I guess a whole bunch 'a doctors have seen 'da scans 'a my skull or whatever. ❞ Of course, the doctor had asked for permission, and Nnoitra had been fine with it. ❝ So ya ain't freaked out 'bout scars? ❞ This was pretty significant. Of course, even if they did proceed with their relationship, Nnoitra could just keep his eye patch on, so that she wouldn't have to see the scar beneath.

ah— she had hoped he wouldn't want to delve too deeply into it, but as she'd thought moments ago, the subject matter would've come up at some point. the faerie shifts in the booth, toying with the fidget ring on her thumb. " they're—... " well, they're certainly nothing like the scars nnoitra had that came from losing his eye, that's for certain. it wasn't as though she'd been attacked, no one hurt her, there was no freak accident that resulted in injury. these were her own doing.

" i... was in a really dark place for a good, or rather bad, majority of my life. i mention getting bullied to others if the topic comes up and they usually have about the same reaction, that it couldn't have been that bad. but it was. it was really bad. " agatha admits with a sigh, not meeting his gaze. " it wasn't just verbal harassment but physical, too. it was very nearly every day. it... it took a toll on me. like i said, i was in a dark place. there was no light, there was no hope, it was just me forcing myself to push through the day. "

agatha falls quiet. " being in that dark place, i felt numb and it felt the only thing i could do to make myself feel something was to hurt myself. so the scars i have are ones i gave myself. i do regret doing that to myself because it further skewed how i saw myself, but... i can look at them now and use them as a reminder to not let myself go back to that dark place. i also haven't hurt myself in quite a while now, a couple years, i think. " she tells him, finally looking up at him. agatha manages to smile again, a soft laugh leaving her now. " i still can't wear bathing suits but i don't feel quite so self-conscious wearing short-sleeve shirts anymore. "

This conversation was turning somewhat... Stiff. It was hard to describe it, but Nnoitra didn't feel like it was genuine anymore. Mah, that was his own fault, for sure. Clearly Agatha didn't know what to say. She was reacting quite calmly. To Nnoitra, it just looked like she was distancing herself, rather than engaging with him. He didn't even know how he'd wanted her to react. This all just seemed kinda underwhelming to him.

Left him feeling disappointed, in a way. Or maybe not. He didn't know exactly what he was feeling.

Agatha told him that she too had scars. This came as a surprise to him, and it showed on his face, a small confused furrow appearing between his brows. How the fuck could a sweet girl like Agatha get scarred? That didn't make sense to him, and he tried to imagine how she'd gotten them, what kinda scars they were, and where they were located. Nothing came to mind, so maybe his gaze appeared spaced-out as he thought.

❝ Yo, wait up - ya don't wanna tell me 'bout 'da scars? ❞ He asked when it appeared like she wanted to change the subject by asking if he wanted more food or if he wanted to go see a movie. ❝ Ain't nothin' 'ta be self-cautious 'bout. ❞ Girls were often like that though, right? Ashamed and embarrassed about features that were not considered "pretty". He didn't even answer her question, too hung up on her confession. He'd shared about HIS scars, so it was only fair she did the same.

she takes nnoitra's silence to mean he was trying to figure out what to say. it isn't something agatha talks about very much and she doesn't expect sympathy or pity, she doesn't even want them, so she's glad when he doesn't give them. that part of her life is over and she is better thanks to therapy and friends and family. agatha was especially better after patching things up with her father. she was better, healthier, happier, still healing, and leaving the past in the past, exactly where it belongs.

still, it surprises her when he offers to hurt them in return for her. caught off guard, agatha just stares at him for a moment before laughing and shaking her head. " heavens, no. i couldn't ever ask anyone to do that, i wouldn't even want to. i wouldn't know where they live now since i moved away just to get away from them. moved as far as i could. " it had been rough, of course, but... aside from her parents and a small handful of friends, there was nothing there for her.

" they probably don't even remember me and i don't see any point in getting revenge after all this time. " agatha admits with a shrug. " if they remember and regret what they did, then they just have to find some way of dealing with that. if they don't regret it or don't remember, then, " another shrug, indifferent, " that's fine, too, i suppose. i'm moving past it, so all of that is just... in the past now." even if it wasn't in the past, even if she was still hurt and in that dark place, agatha still wouldn't wish revenge upon them nor would she want someone to achieve revenge in her stead. that just isn't who she is.

she looks back up at nnoitra with a genuine smile that reaches her eyes. " really, it's no big deal anymore. we don't even have to talk about it anymore if you don't want to. i know that kind of heavy subject matter can make some people uncomfortable or feel out of place. " she doesn't want to stay on the topic for very long and let it ruin their date, either. that is, if it hasn't already. does nnoitra see her differently now than however he saw her before? agatha hopes not.

To him, she seemed like such a happy person. He couldn't have imagined she'd been feeling so shitty she'd want to hurt herself. So, she'd what? Cut herself or something? Damn, that was some fucked up shit. Just from getting bullied? Nnoitra had... Little sympathy. He was the kinda guy who had BEEN a bully. If one of his victims had ended up hurting themselves? Fucking served them right! Nnoitra had never been in the situation she described. Feeling "numb". Feeling nothing. No. Because he'd always felt fucking terrible. Feeling nothing would've been fucking sweet!

What, was he in some sort of bitch-ass emo competition here, or what? Of course she'd be able to handle less shit than him. She was a girl. Women were fragile. Weak. And now she was so ashamed of her scars she had to watch what she was wearing? Damn. Talk about fucked up.

Even Nnoitra, with his limited social skills, understood that this hadn't been an easy thing for her to talk about. If he said the wrong thing in response, she'd for sure understand what sort of asshole he really was. What SHOULD he say anyway? It wasn't like he couldn't relate to self-harm. It was just that Nnoitra's self-harm looked different, because he'd rather let others do the work for him. But that wasn't about "feeling something". It was about punishment. About what he deserved. Surely, Agatha didn't think she did, or ever had, deserved pain?

It took a long moment for him to say anything, because yeah - he didn't know what to say that wouldn't make him sound like a total scumbag. Nnoitra wasn't going to say some lame-ass shit like: I'm so sorry that happened to you, or I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to tell me this. Fuck no. The only thing he could do was push the conversation in a direction that suited him.

❝ Ya know where they're at now? 'Da ones who bullied ya? I can collect their teeth 'fer ya, if ya want. ❞ He cracked a knuckle, as if to demonstrate. The bullies were probably guys just like himself. Bad people. He wouldn't mind smashing their faces in. ❝ Ya regret hurtin' yerself, yeah? They should regret it too. ❞

" i'm glad it doesn't make you uncomfortable. " agatha tells him with a smile. she feels a bit better about talking about this particular subject, feeling less uneasy and anxious now. to hear nnoitra had been bullied too, it wasn't all that surprising. they'll pick on anyone they know they can, unless that person puts a stop to it, like he did. height can certainly be intimidating, and agatha wasn't very tall as a kid. she certainly isn't tall now, either, still needing step stools and such to reach things on the top shelf in the kitchen and in other places, like libraries and stores. she wasn't so short as to be made fun of for it, though.

when he asks her what she was bullied for, she looks away and fidgets. " i think the list for what i wasn't bullied for would be shorter. " agatha laughs softly, looking back down at the table, then back up at nnoitra. " i wasn't one of the hot girls, though, that's for sure. i was awkward, quiet, shy. that got made fun of. it just made me keep to myself more and more. i was a bit chubby as a kid, too, so... there's that. nothing like being a little kid and hating every fiber of your own being. " she smiles sadly, fidgeting more with one of her rings. " over the summer between that school year and the next, i lost the weight. i didn't need to lose much, but... but then suddenly i was too thin. i wasn't eating enough and i forced myself to skip meals. "

boy, is it unpleasant to remember all of this, or at least, what she could of those years of her life. " even before i needed glasses they were making fun of my eyes. not like i can help being born with a condition that make my eyes look as they do. " another laugh, shaking her head now. " as the bullying progressed, i developed a stutter, so that was made fun of. it wasn't really long before they started getting physical. hair pulling, pushing me against the lockers, shoving me aside, tripping me up in the halls or the cafeteria... they'd destroy my things sometimes, too. rip up my books, shred my notebooks, broke my pens and pencils. my teachers and my parents tried so hard to do something about it all, but you can only suspend them for so long. " agatha shrugs her shoulders.

" people have asked me, 'how can you be traumatized after a little bullying? everyone gets bullied at some point,' and i just tell them they would've had to have been there to understand why it traumatized me. people also say being in school, highschool especially, is the best period of a persons' life, but for me? i... " agatha trails away and shakes her head again, her voice quieting a little when she continues. " i can't look back on those years and feel fond for them. i don't feel nostalgic, i just feel pain. "

YEAH, he should've figured she wasn't the vengeful type. While ( in his experience ) girls could hold grudges for ages, they weren't willing to DO anything about said grudges. Nnoitra... Was not the type to "let things go". If he came across anyone who'd wronged him, no matter how distant the incident, he'd be sure to take the opportunity to get even. It was the manly thing to do. Not to mention it was incredibly satisfying to see people get what they fucking deserved.

But that was because he generally liked seeing people suffer. Not just people who'd wronged him. Agatha wasn't like that. She was gentle. Kind. She didn't wish hurt upon anyone.

He doubted that the bullies regretted what they'd done to her. Which was why they should be MADE to regret it. By getting punished.

Agatha having a completely opposing view to his own might prove to be a problem down the road. For now, Nnoitra didn't care enough to make a big deal out of it. If she didn't want those guys to be punished then... Fine. Whatever.

❝ Mah, 's yer choice, but ya can lemme know if ya change yer mind. ❞ He rolled his shoulders in a shrug. ❝ Ya ain't gotta worry 'bout makin' me uncomfortable, 'cause I ain't like that. ❞ Getting "uncomfortable" wasn't something that happened to him too often, and when it did, it wasn't something he was going to show. He wasn't some pussy ass bitch.

❝ People tried 'ta bully me too, mostly in middle school before I grew this tall. ❞ He brushed his hand over the top of his head, as if to indicate his height. ❝ Of course they learned that I ain't takin' no shit from nobody. ❞ He didn't want himself to look like a victim. He was just trying to make her see that he wasn't completely unsympathetic to her story. Even if he thought her way of handling the bullying had been pretty tragic. Then again - that was the curse of being WEAK, right? You couldn't stand up for yourself so easily. ❝ What did they bully ya 'fer anyway? Ya look more like ya'd be one 'a 'da hot girls. ❞ It was probably a sensitive topic. He should've asked more delicately. Too bad he wasn't like that. He WAS actually trying to be considerate though. He wanted to know, because whatever it was they had bullied her for... Surely that would be one of her insecurities, and he wanted some pointers about what to stay clear of. He might still forget, but at least if he knew what she was insecure about, he could TRY not to comment on it. Whatever it was.

a soft laugh leaves the faerie and she shakes her head. " no, i don't. if they feel regret or remorse for what they did, then that's fine. if they don't, then... " she shrugs, " it's also fine. i don't really believe in exacting revenge myself or letting someone do that for me. it just... feels pointless to dredge up the past when i've moved on, and they probably have, too. " still, she does find it a bit sweet he'd defend her like that. whether he would or not if they'd met when they were kids was probably a different story, but that time didn't matter to her anymore.

" yeah, i never really understood why people say your school years are your best years. they certainly weren't for me. i also think it teaches kids to not hope for their adult years, that when they're a kid, that's the happiest they'll ever be. " but maybe that's just what agatha thinks. sure, adult life comes with a lot of hardships and responsibility, but it doesn't mean it has to be devoid of passion and joy and hope. and for those like her, who had a terrible time, it doesn't mean adulthood will be just as dark. though for agatha, it had certainly been that way for some time. she does wish someone could've told her it wouldn't always be that way, that she would find hope again.

when nnoitra talks of happiness, her smile grows and she nods. " i understand that. i hope... i can contribute to your happiness. because i do want to make you happy, nnoitra, and i hope that's something you look forward to. " she wants to be one of the reasons behind his smile, one of the reasons he gets excited to see a notification on his phone. agatha knows only time will really tell if they'll be happy together, but... she does believe they will be.

If she'd told him: I don't wanna talk about it, he wouldn't have held it against her. He could hardly imagine himself sit there and vent about his insecurities. Then again, he wasn't a girl. Girls LIKED talking about their feelings. It was different for guys. He preferred this type of setting, where he wasn't the one doing most of the talking. That made him sound like a good listener, which he wasn't. He was just even worse at talking.

It seemed like Agatha was REALLY opening up to him here. She told him about being the shy kid ( yeah, Nnoitra could see how that could get you bullied ), and - about being chubby as a kid. Again, definitely something you'd get bullied for. Especially if you were a girl. Nnoitra hated how he could relate to this. Not because he'd been fat - but because he'd been ( and still was ) the opposite. His build was what people had tried to bully him about. Nnoitra would've hated his build even without people commenting on it, but yeah the comments... They hadn't exactly helped.

So Agatha had kinda had an eating disorder then? Nnoitra knew more about that sort of thing than he wanted to. Because he'd been accused of having an eating disorder about a million times.

Agatha had gone through a lot. To Nnoitra, it seemed unfair. She just wasn't the sort of girl HE would've bullied. Or, maybe he would've, if he'd seen her back then. She wasn't overweight now. She didn't stutter. She was kinda shy but not overly so. Her eyes? They were really pretty. Nothing to make fun of there. And glasses? Who the fuck cared if you wore glasses? If anything, they just made you look smart.

Nnoitra was relieved to notice that her telling her story actually made him sympathize more with her. His I-don't-give-a-shit-about-other-people's-problems-attitude faded a little. He'd thought it was pathetic that she got traumatized by bullying, but - when she described it? He could KIND OF understand it. She'd felt weak and afraid. Two of the worst feelings in the world. Feelings Nnoitra had had only a select few times, and yeah - those had been some of his worst moments. Imagine feeling like that for years.

He hadn't interrupted her while she spoke. Just listened while he watched her fidget, like she was uncomfortable. She'd soldiered on though, and told him the whole thing. He wondered what it had cost her. He had no words of comfort. What was he supposed to say? He'd just say what he wanted to, regardless. That was just who he was.

❝ 'N ya still don't wanna get revenge? I bet ya'd feel better if a couple 'a yer bullies ended up in 'da hospital. ❞ Yeah, of course he'd jump right to what he'd wanna do. But also -

❝ Even 'ta me, it sounds depressin' as fuck, thinkin' that High School 's supposed 'ta be 'da best time 'a yer life. ❞ High School hadn't been too bad for him, actually ( until he got stabbed in the eye, that is ). But it wasn't the best time of his life. ❝ If I could choose when my happiest time would be, I'd want it 'ta be later down 'da road, yanno? So I got somethin' 'ta look forward 'ta. ❞ A reason to keep going. If he KNEW he'd be happy again, then maybe he wouldn't feel so fucking down all the fucking time. He wondered if he'd just made Agatha feel worse. Or better. Probably neither.

regardless of how much (or rather, how little, it seems) it takes to make nnoitra happy, she would do her best to find other things that would make him happy. things he loves, things he's passionate about. surely it couldn't just be food, right? not that she would ever mind making or buying food for him, or for them both to enjoy together, but surely there was more, right? " i'm certain i can make you happy with food. you already enjoy my cooking and baking. " agatha tells him, her smile growing.

to his question, her features soften and she nods. " i will let you know if i change my mind, nnoitra. " she confirms. she doubts she will, but... who knows? nothing is set in stone. hearing now that nnoitra wanted to protect her, she feels her cheeks grow warm and she turns her head slightly, her smile becoming sheepish. she rubs her cheek, like that'd hide the blush spreading across it rather than bring attention to it. " i'm flattered you'd want to protect me, nnoitra. truly, i am. "

she never imagined anyone wanting to protect her. no one did when she was a kid, when she needed it the most. moments like that lowers ones' expectations of certain things. it lowered agatha's hope that someone would somehow put a stop to it all. it got so bad she stopped hoping for that. she just... kept trying to think about when she'd graduate instead, and when she could leave that place for good.

agatha looks back up at nnoitra and she feels her smile growing again. " i'll remember that, thank you. " she nods. " i will admit, i've always felt safe around you, nnoitra. safe and comfortable. " and to her, that was one of the most important things to feel in a relationship. she would indeed feel protected by him, she's quite certain of it. if there was a moment she felt unsafe, or someone else was around that made her feel that way, agatha could call or text him.

How different they were. Nnoitra had never understood forgiveness. Maybe because he knew he deserved none. In the end he hadn't been forgiven for what he'd done. He wondered how she could move on so easily, when she'd been hurt that badly by someone. How could she NOT believe in revenge? It was a whole mystery to Nnoitra, and he could only explain it by reminding himself that she was a woman. She didn't think like him.

He'd hated school, but he COULD see how it could be someone's happiest time. Kids usually didn't have deep worries or responsibilities. Nnoitra had always - always - carried this heavy sadness in him, even when he was a kid, so he couldn't relate to the innocence of childhood. He couldn't remember feeling happy back then.

She was being sweet. Wanting to make him happy. If he was kind, he'd tell her not to bother, because trying to make him happy was a huge waste of time. There was no happiness in sight for him. But - he wasn't kind. He was greedy, so he'd let her try. A part of him hoping it wasn't impossible.

He smiled, teeth showing again. ❝ It don't take much 'ta make me happy. Just some food 'n I'm good. ❞ He tapped his empty milkshake cup. He was lying though. Of course he was. He didn't want to talk about this sort of thing. FEELINGS. Hers? Fine, he could talk about those ( or rather, listen to her talk ), but his own? Hell no.

❝ Lemme know if ya change yer mind 'bout gettin' revenge, yeah? ❞ He grinned. ❝ If yer gonna be my girl, yanno' I gotta protect ya. ❞ That was something Nnoitra imagined he'd enjoy a lot about having a girlfriend. Getting to be protective. It was something he thought he'd be quite good at. It SURE would be nice to actually have a positive quality in a relationship. For once. ❝ From anythin', yeah? So if there 's anywhere ya'd wanted 'ta go or somethin' ya'd wanted 'ta do that ya couldn't do alone - ❞ He pointed a thumb at himself. ❝ Now I can go with ya. ❞