Drarryship - Tumblr Posts
All Too Well
This fic is written in collaboration by @sorry-i-ship-drarry and @drarrywords on anon request
~ Part One available here!
~ Part Two available here!
Part Three ( 9.2k words )
TW ⚠️- Angst
“I think, love is in the walks that we take, it's in the mud shoes get dirty in, it’s in the morning coffee, it’s in the queue at a coffee shop, it’s in the back pocket of a jeans, it’s on the rooftop of a broken house, it’s in the wagon of an empty train, it’s in the snow that touches the skin, it’s in the rain that falls, it’s in the smile the strangers share, it’s in the water that is in the sea, it’s in the sun rays that touch the skin after a long day, it’s in singing in the shower, it’s in the palm of your hands, it’s even in walking away from life. Love is everywhere, it’s on us how we find it, and when we find and maybe even why we find it. We love, because we don’t know how to do anything else but maybe that’s why we fear love, because we don’t know how to do anything else”
But that’s about love, It’s a highland. It's a long mountainous land and the mountain has slopes that run up and down.
When you circle through the mountain and you reach the top, there’s nowhere left to go but down.
“Hi, This is Draco Malfoy and I’m not available right now, leave me a message… Beep”
“Hi, Draco, hi. How are you doing? I just wanted to say sorry for several previous calls. Just want to know if you’re okay? I haven’t heard from you in a while. Call me when you’re free.” And he ended the voice message there.
He slid the cell back in his pocket and walked back into the restaurant, plastering a smile on his face.
“Come on Harry, we’re cutting the cake.” Ron yelled from afar and Harry immediately walked faster to the table. It was only moments later when his friends broke out into a congratulatory song for Ginny on making it to the team.
It was a good day, the celebration, the people, and being with friends. It was certainly a great time to be with friends and a good time for Harry to take his mind off things.
“Hi?”
Harry turned to see Ginny have joined him at the bar while he was checking his cell, again “Oh, hi. Didn’t see you there”
She chuckled, “It's okay. I just want you say thanks to Draco for the gift he sent”
“The gift-” he frowned “-oh right, yeah the gift. For sure. I’ll tell him” he nervously laughed.
She frowned at Harry herself, “Is everything alright with you two?” she asked.
Harry nodded his head, “Oh yeah. It’s just he’s been pretty busy at work so we’ve been talking less but otherwise we’re great”
“Are you sure?” she asked and Harry nodded, assuring her affirmatively.
He sighed when she left and checked his cell again.
That same night while Harry was staring up at the ceiling at 3 am, that was when his cell rang and he picked up to see it was Draco.
“Draco?”
“Did I wake you?”
Harry remained silent for a moment. He was slightly mad at Draco for not calling him in a while at all but he was too exhausted to even be mad at him.
“No”
“Are you mad at me?” He asked from the other side.
Harry didn’t reply, instead he asked “How have you been?”
“Busy.” he replied distantly.
“Yeah, it's clear.”
“Are you mad at me?” he asked again, his voice soft and a touch uncertain.
Harry turned to his side and sighed, “No, i’m just happy to hear your voice”
Harry couldn’t see him but he knew Draco was smiling, he knew it from the way he was silent, “Can you forgive me?”
“Always.” Harry replied but Draco didn’t.
✵•. ✵°✵.｡.✰.｡. ✵°✵.•✵
Harry hurriedly finished up cleaning the dishes, checking the watch after every minute. He was almost done with his dishes when Bella came and purred next to his legs.
“Oh- Bella, Bella, no, not today. Please. We can’t play today. I have a video call with Draco - please.” he complained but her being her, she kept purring against his leg. Knowing how impatient she can be, he dropped her a sponge to distract her, which worked very successfully and he finished the dishes and ran off to open his laptop and finally waited for Draco’s call.
Minutes turned into an hour and an hour into more when Draco finally called.
“You’re late.” Harry said disappointed.
Draco nodded on the other side. Harry took a good look at him and realised he was still at his office in his office clothes.
“You’re still at work?” he asked.
“Something came up.” Draco cleared his throat and replied.
Harry waited for him to say something but he didn’t, instead he tried to hide his yawn by drinking water. Harry sighed and fake yawned himself then pretended to check the watch.
“You know what, it's pretty late and I'm very tired. There were too many customers at the shop today. It got exhausting. Would it be okay with you if we do this tomorrow?” Harry lied.
Draco looked a little taken aback “Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. It’s getting late anyways.” Harry replied.
“Okay then, we’ll do this tomorrow.” Draco nodded and soon they cut off the call.
Harry looked at the screen with Draco’s and Harry’s picture from the time he visited Draco to surprise him and ended up having the best time of his life, he stared at it for a long time to reminisce every moment until the screen shut down itself and he shut off the laptop and and kept it aside before laying down. He stared up at the ceiling for a long time until his cell lit up and he picked it up to check it.
“You didn’t have to cover for me ~D.M.”
Harry smiled but didn’t reply back.
✵•. ✵°✵.｡.✰.｡. ✵°✵.•✵
“Hi,” He said from the other side.
“You’re calling at an unusual time, is something wrong?” Harry asked, pushing the invoice file away for a moment so he could focus on Draco.
“Yeah- actually I wanted to tell you I won’t be able to call you for a while now.” Draco informed
“Why?” Harry asked.
“I have to go to the countryside for a work trip and it's going to be incredibly busy.” Draco told him.
“Oh.”
“I’ll try to call as soon as I come back. Is that alright with you?” He asked.
“Oh yeah- sure. It’s not like I'll die out here.” Harry awkwardly laughed.
Draco however didn’t laugh and soon ended the call bidding his goodbye’s.
Harry slid the phone back in his pocket, bringing the invoice file nearer to him again but not doing anything. It was when he looked up, he saw his boss staring at him with an apologetic look that he got back to work.
✵•. ✵°✵.｡.✰.｡. ✵°✵.•✵
It was a few days later after Draco might’ve returned from the trip when Harry chose to break the silence himself and texted him.
“Hey.”
He waited hours for a reply. Maybe it even felt like eternity, maybe it felt light years away when he finally received a reply.
“Hey.”
Harry immediately typed, then deleted, then typed again and deleted again, wondering what should be the most perfect sentence to send Draco but unfortunately he could formulate none and at the end he went with,
“Will we call tonight?”
“I can’t be sure. Stuck at work. Text you later.” and then Harry was sure no matter what he might message, Draco would probably see it when it's either 3 am or the next time Harry decides to message.
That night Harry hardly slept and even when he did, his dreams were full of memories, memories with Draco. The dances, the laughs, the late night conversations, the fights, everything as if they weren’t just dreams but reality induced in his head while he was asleep. It felt like he was watching a movie but the movie was just their own, made out of moments that were just shared between them but tonight even in his dreams Harry wished he could go back in time and relive those moments.
✵•. ✵°✵.｡.✰.｡. ✵°✵.•✵
“He’s gonna call him, isn’t he?” Ron asked Hermione beside him. She nodded her head, herself a little drunk.
“Let him do it. He’s already having a hard time in Long distance” Hermione replied then suddenly began singing the national anthem of Britain.
Harry stumbled off the stool and walked out of the door, shivering instantly but fought it as he took out his cell and called Draco. It rang 3 times before the call was finally picked up.
“Finally.” Harry drawled.
“What happened and why are you calling me at 2 am?- What's that noise- Harry are you outside ?” he asked from the otherside. Distant shuffling was heard from the other side and the little sober part of Harry believed that he was pushing himself up so he was sitting.
“Hi.” Harry said in a sing-song voice.
“Hi- Harry, are you outside ?” Draco asked.
“Oh shush - don’t be such a spoil sport”
“Great you’re outside and you’re drunk.” Draco huffed on the other side.
Harry sat down over the ground and shivered again, “So i’m a little drunk, big deal”
“Harry, it's 2 am and you’re out and drunk. What has gotten into you? Why are you even outside at 2 am?” He asked.
“We’re celebrating,” Harry sang the celebration song until Draco told him to shut up.
“Now, what’s the celebration for?” he asked.
“I told you. I got a new job.” Harry said.
“Oh-yeah right, I remember that.” Draco replied but Harry knew he didn’t remember, he knew he didn’t.
“You don’t remember, do you?” he asked. He pushed his body against the back wall, his head hitting behind, suddenly emotions overwhelming him.
Draco sighed on the other end, “Things have been a little too much recently. I’m sorry”
Harry smiled to himself, his eyes watering because of the cold and the moment itself, “Work. Right” he hummed.
“I know I've been a little MIA,” Draco said.
“Oh no, I understand. I understand,” Harry replied sadly. They remained silent, breathing on the other sides. They were so close, that their breathing could be heard and Harry believed even his heartbeat could be heard, they were so close yet so apart. It wasn’t the distance that kept them apart, it was them who kept them apart. In the moment of shallow breaths, Harry wondered how this even happened. It seemed like yesterday when they went on their first date and now they’re sitting miles apart listening to each other’s silence. It was in that moment that silence felt so loud, like it was screaming to get out of the little box they both had tucked it in but neither of them let it out.
Harry gulped looking up at the stars and then asked, “Do you think in the parallel universe, we’re not talking too?”
Draco smiled, he knew he was smiling but he knew he was cutting it off, he just knew, “Yeah, I don’t think we’re talking there either”
“But do you think in the parallel universe you miss me?”
✵•. ✵°✵.｡.✰.｡. ✵°✵.•✵
The next morning Harry woke up with the worst headache ever. He knew he should not have drank that much but in the moment it felt so right, now he was suffering the consequences of his action and he was purely regretting them. He found a small bucket beside his bed and suddenly he was reminded of how he did it for Draco and a small flicker of hope fabricated in the corner of his heart that Draco could be here, he knew he wouldn’t be here but one could hope.
And though he was right, he only wished he was here. He wished for a lot of things at that moment, he wished Draco would come back to him, tell him that his work was over, that he’s no longer stuck with work, tell him that he would call tonight, that he would perhaps send flowers like he used to, that he would give Harry a surprise visit, that he would ask Harry to come meet him only for a couple of days, that he would video call him like they always planned on, that he would stop being so distant, that he would talk to him about parallel universe, about weird muggle science theories, or about the origin of the universe or would sing to him or just even laugh with him, but he knew it wasn’t happening because in his apartment, there was no one but him, Bella and a note from Ron kept on the kitchen table.
“I fed your cat, don’t worry~R.W”
Harry smiled and only after he had freshened up and ate his food did he pick up his phone and was met with a message from Draco.
“Of course I miss you. Every hour of every day. If there’s only one universe where Draco misses Harry, it’s this~ D.M.”
Harry smiled.
“I miss you too~H”
✵•. ✵°✵.｡.✰.｡. ✵°✵.•✵
Harry checked his cell again while he was circling around aisle 12 again, shopping for cat food. Draco should've called by now. This was his usual time to call him, at least before dinner but he still hadn't and Harry was worried something was wrong because of how he was forgetting to call more than once or sometimes even just not calling without an excuse and these days it happened a lot. It worried Harry that he might've done something wrong or there was something that Draco wasn't telling but whatever it was, it had started to worry Harry. He hated the feeling that was growing longingly in his chest due to this distance and he was fearing unnamed things or things that he didn’t like to think of, therefore unnamed but he wished upon things for them to get easier so that maybe he would have a little more time with Draco but things were only getting harder and harder.
He had reached home after that, even had his dinner and read the witches weekly magazine again until he finally decided that he couldn't wait any longer for Draco's call and called him himself.
"Hi."
"Hey. Can I call you back tomorrow? I'm busy right now" He asked on the other side hurriedly.
Harry looked at the clock on the wall. It was already approaching midnight, how could he still possibly be busy till now?
"I promise I'll call you sooner tomorrow."
Harry hummed, "You better call me tomorrow because I really want to talk to you."
There was a long pause and if Harry wasn't wrong, he heard a deep breath "I really want to talk to you too."
Harry nodded, "Call me tomorrow then"
"I promise."
Draco didn't call the next day or the day after or the day after and Harry wondered if that promise meant anything to him.
✵•. ✵°✵.｡.✰.｡. ✵°✵.•✵
It had started to pour in London, just the usual out of the time rain, wetting the ground on the most unusual days and this was one of those days. Harry was walking down the roads, hearing certain voice messages on repeat from the phone when he accidentally tripped over a pet dog.
“I’m so sorry- I must have been out of my mind.” Harry apologised.
The girl smiled and shook her head and made signs that it was okay. Harry instantly realized she was mute. He gave her a neat smile and in the limited sign language he knew, he apologised again.
The girl smiled at him and soon she left. It was then when Harry was watching them walk away that he remembered the street so well, he had been there before, oh he had been there not just in his dreams several times, he had been here with the love of his life.
He looked up and he watched the dainty name of the bookstore now all wet under the droplets of rain. He smiled at the fond memory of his first date with Draco, oh how they read lines there, all the smiles they shared there, all the quirky remarks, all the words that if Harry listens closely still lingers in the bookstore. It's there, it's all there and Harry knows it, he can feel it. Remembering it was like watching the memory in a pensieve. He smiled faintly in a short lived glory as he took out his phone which was immediately covered with drops of rain because he had forgotten to carry an umbrella.
“Hi, This is Draco Malfoy and I'm not available right now. Leave a message…Beep”
Harry sighed and pushed the phone back in his pocket and walked away but a part of himself still lingering there, watching the bookstore and reliving all those moments with Draco, but that's what it was, A part of him, not the whole.
✵•. ✵°✵.｡.✰.｡. ✵°✵.•✵
It was then, right then when he knew everything had changed. He had heard his voice after 4 days, he had tried to call him several times that week and he had tried everything but he knew something had changed, he didn’t know what but it felt like everything.
“Call me tonight?” Harry asked, silently wishing that today, just for once Draco wouldn’t have to work overtime, that maybe just for once Draco would actually call, just once, just once he needed Draco to tell him he missed him, to tell him that he loved him, just once.
“Oh, I’m - yeah, I’ll try,” Draco replied.
Harry bit the inside of his cheek then nodded to himself, “If you can”
“I am trying Harry -”
“I know. It's just we haven’t talked more than 5 words this entire week- and- I just miss you, alright.”
Draco sighed on the other side then coarsely said through his phone as if he had to force himself to say that. “I’ll make time for you tonight, is that alright ?”
“I am not forcing you Draco -”
“Its okay - I want to” Draco replied
“Okay.”
And Harry waited till 3 in the morning hoping the phone would ring but it didn’t and with sunken hopes went to sleep but sleep didn’t come, it didn’t come to him anymore these days and he made peace with it.
✵•. ✵°✵.｡.✰.｡. ✵°✵.•✵
“I’m sorry sir but he’s not in the office today- can I take the message?” The man on the other side asked.
“How is it possible though? He should be at the office, he told me he would be.” Harry replied frowning.
“I’m sorry but it must’ve been something. Is there anything you would like me to pass on to him?” he asked.
Harry sighed and shook his head “Just- just tell him Harry called and that I would really like to talk to him.”
“Okay - is there anything else?” He asked on the opposite end.
Harry wanted to say so many things, ask so many things, argue over so many things but he was exhausted of this little battle, this losing battle where he got no answers, where he had nothing to win for, nor anything to lose for, nothing, it was.
“No, that would be all,” Harry replied.
The man on the other end politely ended the call and even though Harry stared at the screen of his cell for so long, he knew he wasn’t getting a call back, he knew he wasn’t.
Only he was wrong, that night was the last night he did.
“You called my office today.” That was the first thing he said as soon as Harry picked up the call while he was randomly watching TV.
Realisation struck him and he immediately turned it off and bought all his attention to him “Yeah- I’m sorry about that, I just wanted to talk to you and lately you’ve been so busy with everything -”
“Would you like to meet?” Draco asked,cutting him off.
It must’ve been some incredible prayer he must’ve done or it must’ve been some great god who might’ve heard his desperate cries.
“Meet you ? Like you actually want to meet?” Harry asked, not believing him for even a single moment because all of this was surreal to him.
“Yes. Do you want to meet?” He asked.
Harry grinned “Of course, I’d love to meet you. I actually think we both need to see each other. It has been such a long time and we really need to reconnect again you know”
“Yeah.” He silently said on the other end. Harry should’ve known by his tone, but he didn’t, he was far too happy of a man to have seen anything that awaited him.
He wished that, that night he knew, that, that night he should’ve recognised by his tone but he didn’t. He was far too excited to hear the roar of his cry in that call. He wishes he had.
The next day he had giddily went to Ron’s place and left Bella there for good, so she was looked after, while he was gone. It was strange but Bella had a thing for Ron, so it only made sense. She was a moody cat as Harry would’ve liked to put it but when she liked someone, she liked them wholeheartedly and apparently Ron was one of them.
“For how long?” Ron asked
“I’ll hardly be there for more than 4 or 5 days. Eventually I have to come back for work, don’t I? I’m just glad we’re finally going to meet after so long.” Harry excitedly replied.
Ron smiled at him, petting Bella in his arms, “I’m happy for you. You’ve been dying to meet him for so long”
“I know right.”
“But it’s so sudden?” Ron couldn’t help but ask.
“Yeah - it got me in a little pickle too but I think he might’ve finally realised that things have been off between us for a while you know. I’m sure it must’ve been something or anything but whatever it is, I’m just glad that he feels like we need to meet.” Harry replied.
Ron nodded but there was that hesitation, that reluctance over his face that Harry had overseen. There were those unspoken words left in the air that surrounded them as Harry handed him the last bag of Bella’s belongings and decided to walk away but Ron never dared to say them out loud.
✵•. ✵°✵.｡.✰.｡. ✵°✵.•✵
The breeze picked up and the clouds covered the sky but not a single drop poured down. It was a cool, serene day with very few people outside and the easy flow of traffic.
Harry had easily made it to Draco’s flat and as soon as he had rung the bell, the lightning broke out in the sky startling Harry.
He gazed out of the building window and realized that it had gotten too dark for the afternoon. It wasn’t supposed to be so dark, and even Harry could not have predicted that the weather would take such an unexpected turn but it had.
“It’s gonna rain,” A voice said from somewhere behind him.
He immediately whipped his head in the other direction and found Draco standing there with the door held open. Harry smiled at him and instantly hugged Draco for several minutes.
“I missed you.” Harry told him against his shoulder.
Draco hummed, “I missed you too.”
They separated after a while and Harry remained there in awe just looking at Draco.
“What?” Draco asked
“Nothing - Just forgot how much I loved you” Harry smiled.
Draco smiled back at Harry and summoned him inside and helped him settle in. While Draco helped Harry with his bags, he realised Harry had been watching him for too long.
“You look different.” Harry remarked.
Draco frowned, “Must be the light. Got it changed a while ago. They’re sort of paler than usual. Feel like any day I'd be blind” he told him.
Harry nodded, then looked around the place, “You’ve had things changed.”
“A couple yeah.” Draco hummed.
“And -”
“Can we not talk about my flat and be with each other? Please.” There was desperation in Draco’s voice.
Harry softly smiled and reduced the distance between them so they were facing each other with little distance in between each other, “Of course. That is after all why I came here”
Draco smiled back and pressed his forehead against Harry’s and closed his eyes “I’ve missed you.”
Harry doesn’t remember why in that moment those words hit home, why those words were more than just words itself but it felt like it was a feeling, like a cry, a desperate and sad cry.
He doesn’t know why but in that moment he only remembered hugging him again and just getting locked in the moment.
✵•. ✵°✵.｡.✰.｡. ✵°✵.•✵
“What’s the update?” Draco asked from across the counter, putting over Harry’s plate another pancake.
Harry, himself put his cell back in his pocket and brought all his attention to the breakfast and Draco, “She’s running on mile high. I've been a little worried about Bella recently. Someday’s she just acts so strange and then the next she’s absolutely fine. It’s like being with a moody teenager”
Draco elicited a soft laugh, “Well that’s Bella for you.”
He came and sat down in the front of Harry and continued, “Remember when we returned from our first date and we saw her climbed up on that curtain rod and the moment she saw you come in, she jumped right off and settled in her bed as if she hadn’t just tore apart your cushions and left all the things in the kitchen, scattered?”
Harry laughed nodding his head “A total menace I tell you. When I first bought her she was like this cutest little adorable creature that I had ever set eyes on but the moment I brought her home, she tore apart every little cushion I had and knocked off all my frames. That was the moment I knew she was the one.”
“Wait, let me get this straight - she destroys everything you own and that was the moment you knew she was the one - I’m impressed by your choice Harry.” Draco frowned impressively but comically at the same time.
Harry chuckled knowing that his expressions meant complete mockery, “No, it was then when after destroying everything she came and sat down in my lap as if she had done nothing and was completely innocent, that’s when I knew. It was sort of like she knew she could destroy anything of mine and yet one look from her and I'd melt like butter.”
Draco laughed softly in front of him, “She really is adorable though”
Harry nodded. They kept staring at each other for several moments, with their eyes locked into another’s, not ushering even a single word but just a look of love.
“She misses you,” Harry tells him.
Draco nodded without breaking his eye contact. “I know. I miss her too”
✵•. ✵°✵.｡.✰.｡. ✵°✵.•✵
They walked hand in hand, Draco’s hold on Harry’s a little tighter but Harry didn’t mind. He liked that intimacy, he liked holding his hand and walking across the city on a lame dark day and he liked the soft smiles Draco passed him every once in a while.
Harry has forgotten the feeling of that intimacy, the feeling of being with someone you loved, the feeling of being watched in lingering glances, the feeling of being shy, the feeling of blushing when his hands brushed with Draco, the feeling of Draco’s warmth besides, the feeling of the interlocking of the fingers that felt like the world's two most complicated locks have been tied together and would remain locked forever, the feeling of bumping into Draco purposefully, the feeling of not missing him, the feeling of being loved and to love.
It was all there, in those hands that they had intertwined together that Harry felt the world beneath his feet slipping. It was like the most beautiful feeling in the world, of being held and Harry wanted to take his arm and dance right here, right there on the street in front of everyone, and engrave it in his memory book in his head that is only dedicated to Draco.
He wanted so much in that moment that his heart bled like the spluttering water that crashes when a large tide comes by, but he didn’t do anything because he liked this, he liked being with Draco right now and walking with no aim but just walking because with him, Harry knew he needed no destination and so they walked miles and miles with too little stories said in between.
They walked and walked with no aim.
✵•. ✵°✵.｡.✰.｡. ✵°✵.•✵
“Okay, I got one- how about baby broccoli?” Draco asked
“Still a baby. I mean it's cute, why would you ever want to eat it?” Harry scrunched his face, staring upwards in the direction of the sky from where they were laying over the hood of the car.
“Baby pea?” He asked
“No, wait - baby peas exist?” Harry turned a little to face Draco.
“I mean it's the tiny balls of pea you know. That’s baby pea.”
“Draco - that doesn’t commercially sale”
“But still- Baby pea?”
“Draco, no” Harry chuckled softly after.
“Okay, how about baby -”
“Draco- I’m not a snake who’d eat babies alright. Just accept it, I get a weird thing eating baby vegetables” Harry huffed, now finally turning his head so he was looking at Draco.
“Snakes eat babies?” Draco frowned
“You didn’t know that?”
“What do you mean I didn’t know that? I don’t live with a snake, how am I supposed to know snake eat babies”
“But you read a lot-”
“Not about animals eating babies”
Harry immediately started laughing louder, finding it hard to control at this point in the night when they had been intoxicated with tequila in their system and love that ran through them.
“How do you know snakes eat babies anyways?” Draco asked, still remaining on the topic. It was clear Draco found it disturbing enough but was curious to know more.
“Pet shop. They made me read a whole bunch of manuals and stuff before I started working there and that's when I found out that Snakes might eat their own babies.”
“Their own babies? God, that’s sick.” Draco grossed, miming vomiting which only made Harry laugh harder.
“It's an animal, vicious one at that, how can you not expect snakes to not do that?”
“Well you don’t see a pitbull breed do that.” Draco disgustingly replied. Harry found it even more hilarious now.
“That’s a dog-”
“Dog or snake, nobody should eat their babies. That’s horrific.” Draco visibly shivered at the thought of snakes eating their own babies and while Harry found it amusing, he wrapped his arms around Draco, forcing him to look at Harry.
“I’m so glad I came here to visit you.” Harry said after a while.
Draco smiled and his eyes mirrored the night sky, the glimmer his eyes held and the crescent of his lips made his heart overflow with love for Draco that he couldn’t help himself from leaning in and kissing his lips.
Deprived of the love they both seeked, Draco cried in the kiss, Harry being unaware of why, maybe it was the intoxication of the drink or maybe it was the night intoxication or maybe it was intoxication from love but whatever it was, it made him weep but he did not dare to detach himself from Harry, how could he?
It was like returning to a home you forgot you had lived in and it made it more sadder than it had been before.
“Draco, please- look at me” Harry pleaded, cupping Draco’s face and pushing him away so he could look at him.
But even when Draco did, he couldn’t open his eyes to look at Harry, he wanted to be buried in him, in his chest, in his eyes, in his heart, in his love. He wanted to be buried with his love “I’m so sorry” Draco cried.
Harry wiped away his tears delicately, like a lover would tend its lovers wounds “Hey - it's okay. Shush, it's okay. I forgive you”
“I should not have done any of that-I’m sorry, I’m sorry- I’m sorry” and he cried harder with hopelessness. Harry assured him that he forgave him, that he always does but Draco wept in his arms until the night faded into morning and a new beginning looked upon them.
✵•. ✵°✵.｡.✰.｡. ✵°✵.•✵
“A chapel?” Harry asked, holding Draco’s hands while looking ahead at the place Draco had brought them to.
Draco nodded and led him further through the door and into the place itself.
“I never thought of you to be the chapel kind of guy,” Harry teased.
Draco smiled softly at Harry “I never thought of myself to fall so deeply in love with you, yet here I am.”
"Touché.” Harry chuckled and his voice echoed inside the empty chapel that he had to immediately shut himself up.
“But seriously though, you, a chapel guy? Hard to think of.” Harry said.
Draco shrugged, “I didn’t know it myself until I accidentally came upon his place”
“Define accidentally.” Harry said walking a little ahead of Draco to see the place clearly. It seemed to him the most beautiful chapel in the whole wide world, in the entire universe, better than any of the stars or the moon or the sun or the most beautiful flower or the most gorgeous building in the world because Draco was here.
It was as if anything he walked upon bloomed with beauty, like garlands grew as he walked upon it or rivers started flowing with every step he took, yeah, Harry was swooned.
Draco took a deep, shuddering breath, “I was driving - somewhere one day, had to be somewhere else, guess it was important but I didn’t want to go. I think something clicked in me or it was really an accident that I took the other road and came across this place. Ever since then, this place has been a Haven for me.”
A knot formed in Harry’s throat.
“You know the place that is so silent, the one that reminds why you exist, that maybe someday’s are worth living, some people are worth living, this is that place for me. It binds me to the reality of the realm of time and place and everything in existence. Whenever things get a little hard, I drive down here and just breathe and everything suddenly gets better.” Draco whispered.
Harry stared at him then walked to him and held his hands in his own hands “Are you okay, Draco?”
Draco’s eyes shone with white light with the sun that poured from the top of the chapel and the pink light that bounced off his face because of the glossed window with the Lady of worship. He nodded and even though there was a glimmer in his eyes, he didn’t fade his smile.
“You know you can tell me anything, right? Anything?” Harry asked.
Draco nodded in reassurance “I’d never hide anything from you, Harry”
“Do you promise?” Harry asked, circling his thumb over his hand. Draco nodded.
Harry smiled affirmatively then Draco led him over to the seats and sat down while holding hands.
“So what brings us here today?” Harry asked.
Draco smiled politely at him then began talking, “I have a confession”
“Oh- Do you want me to play the role of a priest ?” Harry joked.
Laughing Draco shook his head, “I just want you to know.”
“Okay, what is it?”Harry asked, genuinely curious.
“You know how I once said that one day we’d dance in front of the whole world, I hope you know that I meant it-” Harry nodded and Draco continued “-well this place is like a prologue to it. Like the place where the before happens. This chapel where you know I would want to promise you a forever”
Harry stared at him lovestruck and couldn’t help himself from kissing Draco’s hands “Really?”
Draco nodded.
“Tell me more,” Harry suggested. Draco gave him a firm smile then raised his hand to point at the front of the chapel,
“I think that if we are to end up together one day, then we would have the most ridiculous wedding of all time. It'll be like that wedding disaster.” Draco chuckles softly.
Harry smiles fondly beside him and eagerly looks at Draco “Why would it be disastrous ?”
“Because it’s us - we’re a ridiculous team” Draco points out “If it's us then something is bound to happen wrong. Like every time I come here and I imagine ourselves there, there’s always a new mess up in my head like I might trip while walking down the aisle or the priest might forget the lines or Ron might accidentally forget to get the ring resized or someone’s kid somehow might steal our wedding attention or I might get too nervous that I faint or Bella might create a whole scene that we might have to actually run after her to catch her.”
Harry’s head tip off laughing, “Now that’s something that definitely can happen with us”
“Right? It’s our wedding,” He smiled “but then you know, it ends up with us getting married- and spending the rest of our lives together.”
Harry’s eyes welled up that he practically had to wipe his tears off.
“Tell me what happens if we have the perfect wedding?” Harry finds himself asking.
Draco smiled a little too fondly at Harry that his heart skips a beat.
“We always end up having a perfect wedding, Harry. It’s because we define our own perfect. Perfect is us making through the wedding and deciding that we want each other for the whole of our lives”
Harry smiles at him again and this time he rests his head against Draco’s shoulder, wanting to be as close to him as possible.
“Describe our wedding to me.” Harry asks.
“Well, those front seats would be reserved for families, My parents on the right side while your family, that being Molly and Arthur with Hermione and Ron being on the left side. It’ll be a small ceremony you should know or the world would gather to see the boy who lived getting married. You’ll be waiting at the altar in your perfect black suit and you’d be nervous to death because it's your wedding and you’re afraid you’ll fuck up but then Ron would sort of you know support you and tell you that it’s too late to back out now or something like that because classic Ron for you.
“Then as Blaise would finish playing put your hand on my shoulder, because it’s our song, I’d walk down the aisle with my father when Can’t help falling in love plays and I’d be on the verge of crying because how I can’t believe that it's finally happening and you’d be holding back your tears as well because you’re thinking the same.
“We’d both be thinking about our time at school and how we hated each other, to our first date and then to here and we’d smile because we’re proud of ourselves because we made it so far when neither of us would’ve imagined that we would’ve.
“I’d walk up to you and I’d compliment you about how you look so good and before you can even say thank you, the priest would begin the ceremony. We’ll keep looking at each other in soft glances and so happy to see that day come, that by the time we’re officially married and the priest announces that we can kiss, we practically pound onto each other, totally disgusting Ron out.” Harry elicited a small laughter, rubbing small circles on Draco’s hands. Harry heard him release a harsh breath and he immediately looked up to see tears streaming down Draco’s face and the smile that had faded into a low crescent.
“It sounds so beautiful, love” Harry whispered and kissed Draco’s tears away.
Draco ran his hand over his face to wipe off the remaining tears and grinned at Harry, “Can we have that wedding?”
Harry bit his lip and nodded softly, “Yeah, yeah I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: we can have it all.”
“All of it?” Draco asked with tears in his eyes glowing of the promise yet to be fulfilled.
“All of it.”
✵•. ✵°✵.｡.✰.｡. ✵°✵.•✵
Harry hummed lightly to the song that they had suddenly started talking about while they were still in the chapel with the evening coming into light and almost the time that they should leave but they were holding onto the last of the moment of just being there, seeing the light turn from yellow to orange to further darker.
And suddenly Draco asked. “Do you ever wish we had more time together?”
Harry hummed. “Kind of. I sometimes wish we had met sooner or that I had asked you out sooner or that we didn’t have to do this distance thing so we were together more often”
“But do you ever wish that when we were in school that we should not have hated each other, like just have given a chance to understand each other you know. Like imagine how much time we could’ve spent together but didn’t because we were too foolish to have a rivalry”
“I mean yeah- all the time, you know. Makes me wonder a lot what would’ve happened if we had actually became friends, if I had shook your hand in the first year or if I had just sort of agreed to be a slytherin-”
“Agreed to be a slytherin? What?” Draco asked in confusion.
Harry chuckled then remembered Draco possibly didn’t know it “I was almost sorted into slytherin but because the sorting took my consideration, I got sorted into gryffindor”
“You could’ve been in slytherin and you didn’t tell me, that’s just cruel of you Harry” Draco complained.”
“Well to be honest, you weren’t such a doll to talk to in first year, were you? You were so handsome and attractive with your slicked back blonde hair -”
“Please no” Draco laughed, burying his face in his hands
“- and your overpriced robes-”
“No,” he requested again
“And your ever growing need to be competitive with me -” Harry laughed alongside Draco.
Their laughter dissolved soon when the bell behind the chapel rang and they knew they had to leave.
“I just wish we could’ve had more time together. I'd shown you the world,” Draco said sadly.
Harry smiled, “Doesn’t matter as long as I have you with me because you are my whole world.”
Draco smiled at Harry again, “Can I tell you a secret?”
Harry nodded.
“I come here often because this place reminds me of you. I told you that this place feels like a safe Haven, it's only because it reminds me of you. Thinking about you brings me peace, talking to you brings me peace, everything about you binds me to this reality because if you exist then so do I. When I first discovered this place, it instantly reminded me of you and I kept coming back here because I knew I couldn’t go to you but I could think of you in a place that makes me feel like I'm with you. It sounds absurd but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget this place or you because the two of you are so deep rooted in my heart. I guess what i’m trying to say is that- You- you are my safe Haven, my safe place and it can never be someplace else or someone else”
✵•. ✵°✵.｡.✰.｡. ✵°✵.•✵
But short lived are those moments spent in the serenity of being with each other. Blessed is that time where the proclamations of love lasts, where love beheld meaning, where promises were kept. They are short lived as they come and go. It’s like the russian dancing doll but only its broken, it goes down once but never come back up and you’re waiting for it to come back up again but it doesn’t and no matter how much cry, how much you yell at it, how much you want to fix, it won’t be fixed because it's broken.
It was a cold December night, Harry was to leave in 2 days, therefore he was packing his last minute things while Draco had gone out for a while for something important.
In the time gone, Harry wondered about all those sleepless nights he had, all those days he stared at his phone waiting for Draco to call, staying up late just in case Draco decided to send a message but all of that now seemed like a broken past which hardly made any sense. He was far too happy to have come here and he had definitely forgiven Draco at all costs.
Somehow being with him here had bought him the peace he had looked for, for months, it was like he had crossed the river that he never knew how to and now that he was on the other side of the river, he didn’t want to go back. In the moment of weakness, he wanted to ask Draco if they should move in together and wholeheartedly he day dreamt about asking him to live together but right now wasn’t the time, Draco didn’t seem like he wanted to move in together just yet.
But Harry had faith that one day they would, when perhaps Draco’s work would be over or when Harry would be able to find a job around here. He aspired to live with Draco one day and he knew moving in with Draco would be the best day of his life, but it was a dream wasn’t it?
The door had opened and Draco had walked in after keeping the bag of things he bought with himself over the table. Harry turned and smiled at him but Draco didn’t smile back at him. Harry stepped forward so he could be closer to Draco but he had other plans as it seemed and he moved into the living room, making Harry follow him there.
“We need to talk,” Draco announced.
Harry raised his eyebrows in skepticism, his heartbeat quickening in his chest because nothing good followed with that sentence, “Okay, what about?”
Draco breathed sharply, then as if he had finally gained every inch of breath after a struggle he said, “This isn’t working”
Harry remained silent for a couple of moments then all of a sudden, he broke out into a slow, sarcastic laugh, “No, you’re not serious, right? You’re trying to play with me”
Draco shook his head, “No, Harry, this isn’t working. Us - we aren’t working, not anymore.”
“What do you mean we aren’t working anymore? We’re doing perfectly fine.”
“No, Harry, you’re just turning a blind eye that we’re not as good as we used to be -”
“No, I’m not turning any blind eye. Did we have a rough patch? yes we did. Did the long distance seem unbearable ? Yes, But is this not working out ? No. It is working- and- just where- is this coming from? We had some of the best time these last couple of days, I’m positive you’re lying-”
“I am not lying, Harry. You’re blocking the part out where we didn’t talk for days, where I left you to fend for yourselves, where I didn’t meet you for months. Just one visit and suddenly everything isn’t fine” Draco harshly admitted.
“I don’t get it- you called me here, you wanted us to meet, you took us to all those places, you told me about that wedding thing you had in mind about us- how can all of this suddenly not be okay? How can suddenly our relationship not be working? How is it that you suddenly changed your mind ?” Harry asked with his voice sounding broken and denser because of the force he had to push through every syllable.
“I didn’t just change my mind-”
“Then why did you take me to that chapel and tell me all you thought about it, why did you tell me that I was your safe Haven or why did you say all you those things you said there, why? Why would you do that if you wanted to break up with me?” Harry’s voice trembled softly, sounding defeated as his eyes filled with tears.
But Draco remained silent, he didn’t say anything. He just watched Harry fighting his voice, fighting his tears, fighting his broken heart.
“Why are you doing this Draco?” His voice cracked.
Draco visibly gulped, fighting the knot in his throat “I-I need space. I need space from you, I need space from your all the time calls, from your messages, from your immense needs”
“You already live almost 6900 miles away from me, how much more space do you need? It’s like saying that you might live on another planet and you still might need space from me. You’re making it sound like I’m always calling you or texting you, when I don’t” Harry’s eyes dropped a tear from the corner of his eyes and he didn’t try to wipe it away, why should he have to?
“I’m sorry, Harry but I can’t with you- I hate to do this-”
“No- I should be the one doing this to you- I stayed up nights waiting for you to call. I checked my phone precisely 525 times a day to see if you called me or not or if there was just a single text from you, I didn’t sleep at nights just in case you decided to call me late or just in case you texted me and I didn’t want to lose an opportunity to text you, I waited for you to do one video call.”
Tears started to prickle at the corners of his eyes, his heart beating louder in his chest.
“I waited for the one day where you’d say ‘let's talk tonight, the world can wait, my work can wait, everything else can wait, but let's just talk tonight like we used to’, I waited to hear your voice, I waited for you to surprise me like you did that one time, I waited for you to do something- anything, just anything but you didn’t do anything.”
He drew in a sharp breath, “I’ve spent all of myself trying to make this work, I'm putting so much effort for us to work and you want to throw it all away? Do you know the feeling of that hopelessness, that insecurity that perhaps my boyfriend is happier without me? No, you don’t, Draco and yet I’m crying to make it work. I should be the one doing this to you, I should be the one to break your heart, I should be the one telling you that I can’t do this but I’m not because I have faith in us, I have faith in our relationship, I have faith that we can make this work- I know we can.”
Harry cried, not the soft cry but a cry of desperation, the cry that sounded so heavy, the cry that pierced through the heart like a spear.
Draco huffed, closing his eyes then opening them again making a single tear appear in the corner of his eyes, he was struggling, Harry knew.
“We just can’t do this, okay- you’re doing so much, you’re making too much effort for me and I can’t have you do that to yourself alright. I have my life here and your’s is there-”
“But you are my life, Draco, you are it.”
Draco let out a cry, burying his face in his hand, unable to control the broken sounds that came out from his throat. Harry immediately sat down in front of him, on his knees and took his hands in his own and cupping his face “We can make this work, Draco- we can.”
“No-” he cried, shaking his head “-No, Harry. We can’t”
“Why?”Harry pleaded.
“I don’t love you anymore, Harry, I just don’t- I’m sorry but I don’t.” Draco cried.
It suddenly felt like the moment when you’re holding the whole world in your hand and it suddenly crashes to the ground.
Harry fell back, his whole world had collapsed in front of him and he was holding onto those fragments because what else could he do.
“You -You don’t love me?” he asked, his voice suddenly sounded more calm and somehow it hurt Draco more than hearing his cry.
“I don’t, I’m sorry.”
Harry got up from his knees, his eyes blocking his vision, his hands trembling his side and his voice that forbade itself to come out from his throat. Several moments passed by and Harry didn’t say anything except standing in the middle of the living room looking nowhere.
“Harry-”
“No, no that isn’t true because I know you love me.” Harry interrupted him.
“No- I don’t.”
“You love me so much that you want to protect me from what the distance is doing to us. You love me so much that it’s tearing you apart but you can’t tell me because you love me. You love me, Draco, you love me more than yourself as I do you.”
It was a soft whisper, his eyes glimmering with saddest tears the world had ever known and it tore Draco apart, to see what he had done to Harry.
“And even if you don’t love me - I’ll always love you. I once promised you that I will love you in the dimension that is ours and I intend to keep that promise. The stars will go out before I stop loving you.” Harry said with a soft smile and the tears that ran down his face and when Draco reached out to wipe them off, he didn’t allow him to and instead, he took Draco’s hand and turned it over.
He unhooked the chain with the moonstone ring, the one that signified a piece of Draco’s heart and placed it in Draco’s palms and spoke for the last time in a soft whisper, “I love you but if one day you find the courage to tell me why you did what you did tonight, know that I’ll be waiting but if you never come back, if this is over - I don’t want to have this. I can’t have this knowing that you’ll never be mine again. So, you can have your heart back, but you’ll always have mine.”
On that night when he left, he heard Draco call out his name and as much as he wanted to stay there with him, as much as he wanted to turn back - he didn’t.
But a piece of his heart had made home there and he would never have that back.
Home isn't found in places.
It’s found in a person.
On that night when he left, he had left his home behind.
✵•. ✵°✵.｡.✰.｡. ✵°✵.•✵
Part 4
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