Experience - Tumblr Posts

Realmente esperaba una mejor respuesta, tal vez sea por eso que no debamos seguir juntos, los polos opuestos se atraen, pero eso solo en física. En la vida real los sentimientos iguales a los tuyos te ayudan más que un punto de vista diferente.

(En mi opinión)

Self Isolation

I don’t really get tumblr, but I’m about ready to tear my damn hair outta boredom, really need something to do with my fingers and this, has still got more appeal to it than my long reading list and huge pile of assignments, that I can’t bring myself to even look at.

So, college kicked us out about three days ago, the Covid-19 outbreak is forcing the Government to close down everything, my Sunday entrance exam just got postponed, and they’ll probably be having a public curfew that day. I read today, that the last pandemic was the ‘Spanish flu’, it killed about 50 million people after the end of the first world war in 1918, more than a century ago, but it wasn’t this widespread...

Apparently its too contagious, and anyway, its a bit understandable, it is difficult for humans to live without contact, but what I don’t get is why the hell are people still travelling?, like seriously ”Oh yeah ! its a global pandemic, I hear its great for vacation” they’re finding British tourists that are tested positive in Kerala.

At home, you can feel the trepidation, the worry, the fear that an uncertain future brings but things still hold normalcy, its still home except for a few laws-            ‘no friends‘  ‘wash hands more often‘  ‘be good, stay home‘  ‘and for god’s sake take a shower.’ All we want is the time to pass, and this shit storm to get over with, but fact remains that we’re barely at the first stages of this crisis.

What would living in the middle of world wars must’ve felt like, what would’ve Anne Frank felt like hiding in Amsterdam, hiding to survive? We’re not having aerial bombings and no genocidal maniac is killing people, so its a gross comparison but we’re hiding and isolating ourselves to stay safe as well.

Not thinking much about it helps.....

The worst experiences in life become the best inspiration for poetry.

existence is truly the craziest thing in this universe you are a bunch of quantum fields which gained consciousness for about 80 years. and in those 80 years you can have so many experiences like sight hearing touching feeling thinking smelling and having an opinion about something using language which is just fucking mind reading i am literally just making a bunch of vibrations in the air and poof! you have a picture in your brain see i bet when i said brain you thought of one. i swear its fucking magic existence qualia language. all of it

When it comes to fear, what do we REALLY care about?

Quote about fear, doubt, and worry.

So, a while ago I figured out that video games can kind of answer what kind of struggles you face in your actual life.

When I realized this, I was playing Hatsune Miku and noticed I'm decent at most the hard and extreme songs, but I refuse to play them unless I can get a perfect chain on them. It's so bad, that even Cantarella's extreme and extra-extreme is unplayed despite me being able to play both of them. Like, I can learn pretty much all the songs, but if there's even one part I can't play, I won't play it at all.

That told me, just like in real life, I'm scared of failure even if I'll do 99% well on it. If it's not 100% (perfect) then I will just leave it until I rot and die.

I really hate that I'm like this.

But, on a less painful note, I also noticed that in games like The Legend of Zelda, I'm cheap as hell and will wait until the very last second before spending my rupees. Aka, in the older games, I would wait until my counter was max before buying potions or upgrades of items.

In the later games, I would avoid spending at all until I got the wallet upgrades and even then scarcely would I spend my money.

I think what that is relates more to me being perpetually broke irl. I'm scarce with my money because I know I should keep as much as I can for... whatever I may need.

Also, a not so good bonus is that I will play through most the Zelda games without potions or other healing items (like I usually play hero mode first if I can). Even in games where I have a potion in my inventory, I just won't use it when Link's health is low rip me in A Link To The Past. I think that means even irl I will destroy myself before even thinking about asking for help, which is obviously a terrible way to live :)

When I was younger, I once asked my parents to go to an indoor waterpark

There were a lot of waves, strong ones

I almost drowned were it not for my brother who guided me through those waves

Recently, I went to the beach with friends

There were a lot of waves, small ones

I enjoyed and rode out every wave I could find, it was fun

Without any experience I would still be scared of high waves

My near death experience got me a happy memory

One I cherish now :)

Inspired by:

When I was younger, I once asked my parents to go to an indoor waterpark

There were a lot of waves, strong ones

I almost drowned were it not for my brother who guided me through those waves

Recently, I went to the beach with friends

There were a lot of waves, small ones

I enjoyed and rode out every wave I could find, it was fun

Without any experience I would still be scared of high waves

My near death experience got me a happy memory

One I cherish now :)

Inspired by:

When I was younger, I once asked my parents to go to an indoor waterpark

There were a lot of waves, strong ones

I almost drowned were it not for my brother who guided me through those waves

Recently, I went to the beach with friends

There were a lot of waves, small ones

I enjoyed and rode out every wave I could find, it was fun

Without any experience I would still be scared of high waves

My near death experience got me a happy memory

One I cherish now :)

Inspired by:

When I was younger, I once asked my parents to go to an indoor waterpark

There were a lot of waves, strong ones

I almost drowned were it not for my brother who guided me through those waves

Recently, I went to the beach with friends

There were a lot of waves, small ones

I enjoyed and rode out every wave I could find, it was fun

Without any experience I would still be scared of high waves

My near death experience got me a happy memory

One I cherish now :)

Inspired by:

When u met someone too similar to you so now you gotta kill them :(

Last year marked the inception of my book project centered on the pivotal role of communication within relationships. Over the course of my three-year immersion in communication studies, I encountered various theories and methodologies aimed at enhancing interpersonal connections. Experimenting with each theory in a series of short-lived relationships, I witnessed firsthand their varying degrees of success.

Unbeknownst to my dates, each encounter served as a trial ground, revealing insights into the complexities of human interaction. While some theories proved remarkably effective, others were inconsistent. Inevitably, amidst the experimentation, I found myself emotionally entangled in certain instances, experiencing heartbreak and navigating toxic situationships. It became evident that my intellectual pursuits often outpaced my emotional readiness. However, amidst these trials, I encountered a remarkable individual who proved to be a true blessing. It was then that I resolved to conclude my experimental phase and pursue genuine connection. My forthcoming book will document the plethora of trials and tribulations encountered, culminating in a synthesis of what truly constitutes effective communication in relationships.

No matter what, we'll win

Lapidot fusion Theory

Okay so first if you aren’t a fan of Steven Universe this may go over your head and if you haven’t seen recent episodes DO NOT LOOK IT CONTAINS SPOILERS. Enjoy!

In the SU fandom there are a multitude of supporters for the Lapidot fusion, however as a majority of us know Lapis has once again left the Earth scene in hopes to avoid being caught in another war. Having said this Lapis is most likely going to have to return soon because of the pile of land she took and wherever she took it would probably be way outside the Vicinity of survivable plant boundaries and that’s around where I predict it to happen.

I believe this because A) Lap will probs be all emo and alone like usual and not instantly integrate back into her relationship with Peri (seeing as she hasn’t grown much as a character) Causing Peri to have emotional turmoil which will lead to confrontation and mending the bond between these two and possibly accidentally fusing. B) They both have mixed feelings about fusion in general. Peridots is more of confusion and unreadiness (so accidentally is more probable). As for Lazuli hers are swirled with hurt,anger, and fear.

BUT they’re compatible even with the blow that our lovely little Peridarling experienced she’ll forgive her.

ANYWAYS about the actual fusion powerwise they will be a true powerhouse! I honestly wonder if Peri’s metal powers are going to be amplified due to the immense power of L. With L’s power and P’s intellect they would be unstoppable for the most part. On the minor part emotion would definitely cause many issues like unfusing, making a fatal mistake in battle, and more issues. It would be an experimental fusion at first for sure, but I think it will go well in the end

La science a t-elle des limites ?

~ Encre de chine 10 x 12 cm ~ Baldo

Seeing some other users pop up who also have pots, and reading their past and current struggles has inspired me to write a little about my experience. (From what I remember anyway.)

Just in case, tw/cw pregnancy loss is mentioned.

My symptoms started right smack at 13. I had always been slightly heat sensitive but not enough to really think about it. Then I turned 13 and it was like I was burning constantly. But also, even when I was hot, my extremities would still sometimes be ice cold.

I fainted in the shower, daily. I almost always felt it coming beforehand. The sudden dizziness and weakness. It was my normal routine to feel that, lie down, black out, wake up, then resume my shower. (Usually 5-15 minute black outs)

I knew something was wrong, but I was a young teen. My thoughts were "too scared to address it" and "I'm just being a baby" and "What doctor is gonna believe a teenager these days". So I suffered through it.

It was horrible. My teen years were riddled with unnoticed tachycardic episodes brushed off as "you're out of shape" and "just push past it". Meanwhile i felt like i was dying.

I know teenagers biologically need more rest, but i was chronically fatigued and of course, "lazy teenager" label got thrown at me constantly. I tried to stay active, productive, but it got harder and harder. (Not knowing I also struggled bcuz of audhd but that subject is touched on in a previous post.)

When I really branched out into life and into the workplace at 18/19, it hit me that this wasn't going away. This wasn't a weird teenage thing i was experiencing.

I could work, but was significantly more exhausted than my coworkers and the only one ever to stop a lot, Cool down, rest. Drove managers nuts because "you're too young to be this way" was said to me constantly.

Through a few job changes in my early twenties it got harder and harder to work. Exhaustion. Overheating. Tachycardia. I fainted at work idk how many times during a really bad streak.

On top of pots brain fog, I'm audhd (which i didnt know until mid-late twenties) so my brain just doesn't brain for me and all I had going for me were labor jobs. That's all i had. That's all i knew i could do.... and i was slowly becoming unable to do that.

I didnt push to see a cardiologist until i got pregnant with my first child. I was terrified. That pregnancy exacerbated my pots and i thought that pregnancy was going to kill me. If it didnt, then giving birth would. My resting hr was regularly in the 140s/150s and i was fainting/near fainting all the time.

But i saw a dick of a cardiologist who nearly immediately dismissed me as a hysterical pregnant woman who just had anxiety. Even in our first consult appointment he was already very not hiding the fact that he wasn't taking my concerns seriously. Even after I told him these symptoms weren't just popping up during pregnancy. That it'd been most of my life. (In one ear out the other let me tell you)

I suffered horribly through that pregnancy not knowing i also had pots so my heartrate and blood pressure were bonkers whenever i went to appointments, not knowing that i only had high bp bcuz they'd check it after I'd sat down in the lobby, stood up, then immediately sat down in a room. Which as y'all know fucks hr/bp and all that without being pregnant. But we didn't know. And the only dr I'd seen, dismissed me.

I thankfully got through the pregnancy and all was well. My symptoms went back to pre-pregnancy intensity. Life, a loss in between, and another full pregnancy happened. This time my pots didn't overly act up. I only struggled bcuz that baby was a biggg one.

After recovering from my 2nd birth i thought for months about everything. My health. My life with my kids. How i was sick of not having answers. Sick of how that first dr treated me. So i told my primary all of this and she sent me to the same heart institute, but a different dr.

NOW THIS DR LET ME TELL YOU.

From the GETGO the vibe was different. He listened. Talked with/to me not AT me. Actually listened with the intention of listening and absorbing the information, not listening with the intent to say whatever he was already wanting to say and just waiting until i stopped talking (like the previous dr)

He took me seriously. After info dumping my 16 years of suffering he was already ready to get testing done and scheduled and i nearly cried when he left the room because HE LISTENED HE TOOK ME SERIOUSLY.

I had my testing done (tilt and breathing) and he saw me for the followup but they hadnt gotten the results back so he pushed the dept for the results and one hour after that appointment, he called me and said basically "yea you failed the test almost immediately and your results were consistent through the whole thing so I'm proceeding with the diagnosis of pots"

He explained the basic no cure but you can try xyz to help and you need to listen to your body when it's having symptoms dont ignore it to your detriment. All that.

I hung up. And cried all evening/night. Happy tears. Tears of relief. I got my answer. I was listened to. I actually got through it. But also tears of grief. For the girl who suffered. For the young woman who thought she was gonna die during pregnancy/birth.

I'd had (and still slip into sometimes) a harsh mindset of self hate for years. Why am i so lazy. Why am i so weak. Pathetic. Etc. It just spiralled all the time and pots + audhd is a shitty mix and to be approaching 30, with answers I've wanted and needed for half of my life.... I just... uff da! It's a lot.

I was diagnosed February of this year. So it's still kind of fresh for me. I'm still trying to find what works for me officially to navigate it. But I definitely am trying to give myself grace for all the years I thought everything was my fault. Or that I just wasnt trying hard enough.

I'm sure I've missed some things but my memory of my life is really patchy from audhd and trauma. But I think this covers the bulk of it and feels good to info dump about life when, for most of it, I bottled everything.

At 1 am on Saturday I randomly singled up for free drumming lessons because I saw an ad lmao

Yesterday I actually attended the lessons and it was one of the best experiences of my life not only cuz playing was cool af but the whole community in that school was just so chill and welcoming. It’s such a weird but amazing feeling when you find a place you kinda feel you belong to? It’s a bit heartbreaking tho because I know I have to let it go for the time being (I ain’t got no money for these lessons). But I’m determined to make this year finally, f i n a l l y about making myself happy and stop worrying about other people. So I’ll be back there, sooner or later, once I’m up on my own two feet

Just a quick nice experience I wanted to share :)

#TBT circa 2015, April. God's favor brought me to LA: I had won free registration to an urban youth leader conference @uywi , travel fee was 1/2 paid, free lodging with sis @heatherrgruber . It was my first time 1) flying solo 2) on the west coast 3) renting a car. Fam, the experience was CRAZY AMAZING. Got to walk the LA streets, smelling the citrus filled air from the lemon trees. I also met some of my favorite artists: @pray4jgivens @foreknown @djefechto @prophiphop @socialclubmisfits @ruslankd @b_reith @thomasjterry and they all were so personable and gracious with me. I really appreciated that and getting to learn from and converse with them. Finally, I went to Venice Beach when it was least occupied! —so much chill I was almost late for my flight 😅 I mad heavy wish I can go back soon! GO TO! #calidreams #beautiful #bucketlist .....Oh, and I CAN'T FORGET IN-AND-OUT and HOLLYWOOD!! #unforgettable #experience #takeflights I may do a part 2 because we didn't have this feature on Instagram 3 years ago.

Honestly, I can't wait.