Harmful Theology - Tumblr Posts
Scrupulosity nearly killed me—the belief that my inner world was being constantly surveilled by god, and that every emotion and thought was a potential sin if there was even a hint of it not being worship, not being complete dissociative submission, the thought or feeling wasn’t pure,
Christianity not only exacerbated childhood trauma but then rewarded my reaction to it: die to self, be a nothing who only exists to be a conduit for god, which requires constant inner prayer, endlessly asking god to search my heart and reveal any sin, to forgive me for things I didn’t yet know but he surely did, to forgive me for needing to be patient with me.
And wow did that kind of inward examination and devotion to prayer skyrocket me into leadership—“you’re so faithful, you are so in tune with god, you are such an example.”
I nearly literally died because I refused to take care of myself, in fear that going to a therapist or a doctor was not trusting that god was capable, or that God’s will was to not heal me and I was going against that—
the cycle of not trusting feelings and thoughts, or my own body, never knowing if this was god testing me to build character, to build perseverance, to develop hope…isn’t that godly? Isn’t that holy? Isn’t that sanctification? Why would I ever pray against god doing that in me by asking for healing? Why would I ever reject his will for me to experience those things by going to a doctor?
“Wow, you have such tremendous faith!”
I truly think the bible has many harmful/unhealthy teachings. People will try to deflect and say only when it’s twisted by abusive people or taught “wrong.” But no, I think it has harmful teachings at its very core. As an example:
When certain emotions are labeled as bad/evil/a flaw or something you just “shouldn’t do” it prevents many people from being able to process emotions healthily. See Ecc 7:9, Ecc 11:10, Col 3:8, Phil 4:6, James 3:16 as a few examples. I went through my life as a christian never really fully processing anything, and I was so emotionally unhealthy. Instead of viewing emotions as neutral signals from my body and sitting with them and letting them move through my body, I would read the thought terminating cliches of “don’t be anxious give it to god” or pray about it and continue to be disconnected from my body. I would feel shame when experiencing normal feelings of jealousy, anger, anxiety and feel like I was spiritually failing. That shame would cause me to continue to suppress those feelings instead of hearing and processing them, and it could cause it to come out in dysfunctional ways. And I see this in hundreds of people who are Christians in my life.