Hyunjin Angst - Tumblr Posts

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22. Hey my 2nd favourite person

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AN: so Hyunjin hasn't met yn even after being under the same huge roof. - _- Imperio -places the target under the complete control of the caster. Expecto patronum - The Patronus Charm is a powerful projection of hope and happiness that drives away Dementors;)

Taglist (OPEN) :@97lovestay @hhjkji @roroobsessed @yumi-xox @xa21x @leagreenly @hibuki-chan @raehyun-byeoll @rockinrebelyay

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*･゜ﾟ𝑮𝒆𝒏𝒓𝒆: 𝑆𝑀𝐴𝑈 𝕝 𝐸𝑛𝑒𝑚𝑖𝑒𝑠 𝑡𝑜 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑠, 𝑎𝑛𝑔𝑠𝑡.

*･゜ﾟ𝑷𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈: 𝐻𝑦𝑢𝑛𝑗𝑖𝑛 𝑥 𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑒𝑟

*･゜ﾟ𝑺𝒚𝒏𝒐𝒑𝒔𝒊𝒔:𝑊𝑎𝑡𝑐ℎ 𝑤ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑐ℎ𝑎𝑜𝑠 𝑢𝑛𝑓𝑜𝑙𝑑𝑠 𝑤ℎ𝑒𝑛 𝑎 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑔𝑙𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑟𝑎𝑡𝑒 ℎ𝑒𝑖𝑟 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑎𝑛 𝑎𝑠𝑝𝑖𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑐𝑜𝑛 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑓𝑎𝑠ℎ𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑖𝑛𝑑𝑢𝑠𝑡𝑟𝑦 𝑤𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑎𝑠𝑘𝑒𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝑚𝑎𝑟𝑟𝑦 𝑒𝑎𝑐ℎ𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟.𝑊𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑝𝑜𝑙𝑎𝑟 𝑜𝑝𝑝𝑜𝑠𝑖𝑡𝑒 𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑖𝑒𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑖𝑟𝑏𝑎𝑛𝑘 𝑎𝑐𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑡𝑠 𝑏𝑒𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑜𝑛𝑙𝑦 𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑚𝑜𝑛 𝑔𝑟𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑 ℎ𝑜𝑤 𝑤𝑖𝑙𝑙 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑦 𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑜𝑙𝑣𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑖𝑟 𝑝𝑟𝑜𝑏𝑙𝑒𝑚𝑠? 𝐻𝑜𝑤 𝑤𝑖𝑙𝑙 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑦 𝑓𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑖𝑛 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒? 𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑎𝑦𝑏𝑒 𝑛𝑜𝑡?

HIGH SOCIETY

23.I die in cute pj's

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AN: what made our strong girl yn all giddy. But more than that what's with the 'noisy'. 🤔

Taglist (OPEN) : @97lovestay @hhjkji @roroobsessed @yumi-xox @xa21x @leagreenly @hibuki-chan @raehyun-byeoll @rockinrebelyay @vitaminhyunjin

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*･゜ﾟ𝑮𝒆𝒏𝒓𝒆: 𝑆𝑀𝐴𝑈 𝕝 𝐸𝑛𝑒𝑚𝑖𝑒𝑠 𝑡𝑜 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑠, 𝑎𝑛𝑔𝑠𝑡.

*･゜ﾟ𝑷𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈: 𝐻𝑦𝑢𝑛𝑗𝑖𝑛 𝑥 𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑒𝑟

*･゜ﾟ𝑺𝒚𝒏𝒐𝒑𝒔𝒊𝒔:𝑊𝑎𝑡𝑐ℎ 𝑤ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑐ℎ𝑎𝑜𝑠 𝑢𝑛𝑓𝑜𝑙𝑑𝑠 𝑤ℎ𝑒𝑛 𝑎 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑔𝑙𝑜𝑚𝑒𝑟𝑎𝑡𝑒 ℎ𝑒𝑖𝑟 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑎𝑛 𝑎𝑠𝑝𝑖𝑟𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑐𝑜𝑛 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑓𝑎𝑠ℎ𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑖𝑛𝑑𝑢𝑠𝑡𝑟𝑦 𝑤𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑎𝑠𝑘𝑒𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝑚𝑎𝑟𝑟𝑦 𝑒𝑎𝑐ℎ𝑜𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟.𝑊𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑝𝑜𝑙𝑎𝑟 𝑜𝑝𝑝𝑜𝑠𝑖𝑡𝑒 𝑝𝑒𝑟𝑠𝑜𝑛𝑎𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑖𝑒𝑠 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑖𝑟𝑏𝑎𝑛𝑘 𝑎𝑐𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑡𝑠 𝑏𝑒𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑜𝑛𝑙𝑦 𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑚𝑜𝑛 𝑔𝑟𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑑 ℎ𝑜𝑤 𝑤𝑖𝑙𝑙 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑦 𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑜𝑙𝑣𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑖𝑟 𝑝𝑟𝑜𝑏𝑙𝑒𝑚𝑠? 𝐻𝑜𝑤 𝑤𝑖𝑙𝑙 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑦 𝑓𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑖𝑛 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒? 𝑜𝑟 𝑚𝑎𝑦𝑏𝑒 𝑛𝑜𝑡?

HIGH SOCIETY

24. Don't dominate over me

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AN: black slacks* I searched for luxury rugs and yes 76000 dollar rug does exist :o Thanks for reading. Feedback welcomed 💗

Taglist(OPEN) : @97lovestay @hhjkji @roroobsessed @yumi-xox @xa21x @leagreenly @hibuki-chan @raehyun-byeoll @rockinrebelyay @vitaminhyunjin

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HIGH SOCIETY

25. That's a good start

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AN: she cooked*. That car is from our epic God's menu mv. Next update will be written. Thanks for reading. Feedback is welcomed.

Taglist (OPEN) :@97lovestay @hhjkji @roroobsessed @yumi-xox @xa21x @leagreenly @hibuki-chan @raehyun-byeoll @rockinrebelyay @vitaminhyunjin

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HIGH SOCIETY

33. Because it was forced

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An: who do you think the 'spider' is. Just thought the lyrics were cool and before I knew it I added it🤷‍♀️ Hyunjin is so moody btw. Thanks for reading anw🗣️

Taglist (OPEN) :@97lovestay @hhjkji @roroobsessed @yumi-xox @xa21x @leagreenly @hibuki-chan @raehyun-byeoll @rockinrebelyay @vitaminhyunjin @randomness7198

(couldn't tag in bold. Ask or reblog to get tagged 💗)

This was so adorable. I truly love the switch from enemies to lovers it felt realistic.

the boy is bad news | h.hj smau

pairing: hyunjin x reader

genre: angst, smut, social media au (with written parts), college au, enemies to lovers

summary: An aspiring journalist, you are the news editor for The Uni Chronicles; the campus newspaper, popular for delivering breaking news at the drop of a hat and providing detailed articles about the various happenings around your university. You think you’ve covered every story there was to cover before you’re tasked with producing an in-depth editorial on a student whose name is on everyone’s lips—Hwang Hyunjin.

status: completed

profiles (y/n’s friends)

profiles (hyunjin’s friends)

ch. 1 - stop drooling

ch. 2 - he believes in me

ch. 3 - cheeky bastard

ch. 4 - i’m not your sweetheart

ch. 5 - surprisingly intriguing

ch. 6 - say please (w)

ch. 7 - something in common

ch. 8 - no strings attached

ch. 9 - i owe you

ch. 10 - a little fun won’t hurt

ch. 11 - do you mean it? (w)

ch. 12 - it’s not that deep

ch. 13 - just. be. cool.

ch. 14 - no misunderstandings here!

ch. 15 - i get what i want

ch. 16 - just to kill time (w)

ch. 17 - hate is a strong word

ch. 18 - something's seriously wrong with me

ch. 19 - do you want me too?

ch. 20 - everything i’ve ever wanted

ch. 21 - am i wrong? (w)

ch. 22 - no more secrets

ch. 23 - strictly professional

ch. 24 - it’s a secret

ch. 25 - pretty fucking down bad

ch. 26 - as in…love?

ch. 27 - officially mine

ch. 28 - what are you doing here? (w)

ch. 29 - tell me

ch. 30 - plus one

ch. 31 - lol no

ch. 32 - something’s changed (w)

ch. 33 - the juiciest piece of meaty gossip

ch. 34 - nari is always right

ch. 35 - messy

ch. 36 - it’s gonna be a long night

ch. 37 - i love him (w)

ch. 38 - focus

ch. 39 - never been in love before (w)

ch. 40 - stuck with you

ch. 41 - i’m jeongin

ch. 42 - the boy is bad news (w) (finale)

bonus - memories of spring break

taglist CLOSED

Hwang Hyunjin Fic! Recommendations

(pt 1) my blogtw! — some chapters/oneshots may contain heavy smut,horror,angst read at your ownrisk. 🌌 — smut 🫐 — fluff 🌊 — angst

BEUTY IN DEATH - Chase Atlantic ▶• ||ıı|||ıı|||||ı|ıı|ı. 2:00

! Miniseries + synopsis

The Strange Man of Monterrey Manor by @/quokkacore

•🌊🌌 (complete)

– Willoughby, 1799 — Life as the heiress of a disgraced house has not been kind to you. You’re neglected, unwanted, and used as a bargaining chip for your father to weasel his way out of the debt he owes the moment you come of age. It takes a turn for the stranger when you’re chosen to wed the owner of the manor atop the mountain — a mysterious, eccentric, cruel lord no one has ever seen. Whisked away to the dark and cold house and wed to a stranger, your questions become more and more. Why is Hyunjin the way that he is? What are the strange noises that echo through the house late at night? And why does your heart begin to beat faster whenever he’s nearby?

Pluto by @/seospicybin

• 🌊🌌 (complete)

– Knowing that your life will end soon, you choose to have your desired death by making a pact with the devil with a red hair, Hyunjin

The taste of honey by @/straywrds

• 🌊🌌 (ongoing)

– You were promised to Hyunjin before you were even born. Every year, he writes you a letter for your birthday and you write him one in return. Twenty years after the first correspondence, it's time for you to move to the Hwang Estate and meet him for the first time.

four of wands by @/straywrds

• 🌊🌌 (ongoing)

– “I didn’t say the Four of Wands appeared to people who are in love. I said it appeared to people who were falling in love. It’s not the same thing.” Hyunjin shook his head, his red hair falling back in front of his face, partially covering his eyes, like a storm moving over a dusky sky. “And, I’m not a psychic. I’m a witch.”

INFERNO by @/cb97percent

•🌊🌌🫐 (ongoing)

– Hyunjin is supposed to get married to his childhood best friend a month after he turns eighteen. He's so clueless about what "manhood" entails that his mother consults to arranging a "makeshift wife" to train him for it.

Anti-Romantic by @/jisungsdaydreamer

• 🌊🌌🫐 (ongoing)

– After a lifetime of heartbreak, you try your chance at romance for one last time, meeting up with L.A.'s most beloved dating coach, Dr. Hwang Hyunjin. Lines are crossed and strange events ensue.

SUPER BOARD by @/straywrds

• 🌊🌌🫐(ongoing)

– He's the guy everybody has seen around but nobody actually knows anything about except that he's an art major and sells weed...

! ONESHOTS

need to know by @/hwajin

•🌌

surprises by @/writerracha

•🌌

magic and rune by @/mimziie

•🌌

taste by @/hwajin

•🌌

sweat by @/hwajin

•🌌

love untold by @/hwajin

• 🌌

insecure by @/hwajin

•🌊🫐

kitchen counter by @/hwajin

•🫐

touch me by @/slutforleeminho

•🌌

Tears of Glass & Marble

Artist!Hyunjin x cursed statue!fem reader

Words: 11.4k

Genre/theme: non idol!au, fantasy, reincarnation, smut (MDNI 18+)

Warnings: use of Y/n, blood, Major Character Death (don’t worry he’s okay tho), angst with a happy ending, pet names (mi amor, muse), body worship (they’re in love your honor), reunion? sex, unprotected sex (👀👎), oral (f receiving), praise, creampie

**The lovelies in the poll have spoken, so eat well babes thank you for your input 🫶🏻💗 It got kinda long but this shit is soft as hell 🤭 got me all blushing and teary eyed at some points 🫣 Please check out my other fics and leave any and all feedback, I love to hear it! 🫰🏻 This is not meant to represent any persons in real life and is a work of fiction. Do not repost or translate ©jagibangbangchan**

Ari’s masterlist

Time had an interesting way of shifting one’s perspective on life, and the only thing Y/n had left was an excess amount of time. Fate had taken everything from her and forced on her an existence of solitude and near insanity. Funny then that fate would turn around, with enough time, just to give everything back.

Somewhere in the distant past

Once in her life, she’d been immensely happy. A successful sculptor, often hired by the wealthiest of society, she was a master of carving and shaping marble into the softest form with the most incredibly subtle detail. Her talents were renowned throughout the highest houses, and once she had even been honored to capture in sculpture the form of someone of royal status.

With the commissions she made from these art works, she lived comfortably with the love that fate had granted her. Hyunjin, an ethereally beautiful man that possessed an exquisite talent for painting, his portraits and painted landscapes covering the walls of their shared home. He was less inclined to sell many of his personal paintings, but did profit from his talent by creating portraits for the same wealthy families that hired her.

However, one unexpected event can shatter even the most serene and comfortable life, a fact Y/n discovered the day her reputation brought her a new wealthy client, the day she rejected the commission of the rich man who would tear apart her world.

Hyunjin had left early in the morning to meet with a wealthy madam that wished to commission a portrait from him. Not expecting any company, Y/n had settled into a relaxing day in her study, smoothing over the rough edges of the current sculpture she worked on. A harsh banging on her door was followed by the sound of it crashing back on its hinges, startling her terribly.

Lord Choi Seongsu was not a man to be taken lightly, his wealth and power built on fear and blood money. He stormed into her study, demanding that she create a sculpture of him for his family manor. With a hand over her heart to calm herself, Y/n stepped off her ladder and bowed, asking for more details of what he was looking for. He was insulting and abrasive, belittling her skills as an artist and her life’s purpose as a woman. She held her tongue, aware that she was in the presence of someone of higher standing, but he was angering her more with every word he spoke. He finally gave her the information she needed, but when told how much time it would take and how much it would cost, he became belligerent.

Y/n reeled as he slapped her across the face, falling back against her sculpture, rocking it on the stand. Lord Choi attempted to grab her, but she pushed him off roughly, running into another room while he staggered and slammed the door behind her, locking it quickly.

‘Come back, you bitch! You think you can just demand that kind of money from me?!’

‘Go away! I have friends in the high families, they’ll find you if anything happens to me!’

Y/n’s voice trembled as she yelled, wishing with everything in her that Hyunjin was there with her. But her love wasn’t home so there was no one to help her until the man left.

Lord Choi was silent at her words, psychotically fuming but also knowing there was a chance she was right. He needed to do some checking on her reputation, but a twisted smile crossed his face as he decided her fate now rested in the hands of someone more sinister than himself.

Y/n didn’t hear anything else from the other side of the door, except the sound of retreating footsteps and an eerie silence. Too frightened to leave the room in case he was still waiting in her study, she curled into a chair and held herself tightly as she quietly cried.

Hours later, Hyunjin returned to a heavy silence in the house, an uneasy feeling stirring in his gut.

‘Mi amor? Where are you?’

He walked into her study, noticing her current work was askew on it’s pedestal, a smattering of supplies dropped across the floor like someone had bumped the table. He heard a muffled cry from behind the bedroom door, turning to it quickly but finding it locked when he grabbed the handle.

‘Y/n, are you in there? What’s wrong, mi amor?’

Y/n was flooded with immense relief at the sound of Hyunjin’s voice. Standing and ripping open the door, she threw herself into his arms, taking a shaky breath as he immediately hugged her back tightly.

‘What happened? Are you alright?’

Y/n shook her head against his chest, his hand coming up to hold the back of her head gently.

‘No, I had a rather frightening visit earlier from a potential client named Lord Choi. I had to threaten him with our wealthy friends to get him to leave me alone, as he grew very upset about the cost of my labor.’

Hyunjin looked down at her, shocked and angry that someone would treat her like that. He’d seen several rich assholes get all up tight about how much she commissioned for her artwork, but he’d never heard of any of them becoming violent, to the point that she would lock herself in another room. Sliding his hand into her hair, he leaned her head back and saw her cheek was beginning to bruise. Clenching his jaw, he fumed at the audacity.

‘He hurt you? How fucking dare he touch you at all, inexcusably with violence.’

Y/n shook her head at him sadly, reaching up to hold the wrist of his hand laced through her hair.

‘As much as your anger warms my heart, there’s nothing to be done, love. We have no status against him, and his wealth would silence us, if he doesn’t do it himself…’

He pulled her against his chest again and held her tighter, rubbing her back and shoulders soothingly.

‘I’m sorry, mi amor, the rich are a bane on this world. I’m sorry I wasn’t here to help.’

‘They are a bane that keeps us housed, my Jin, and you are here now, that’s all that matters.’

They held each other in comforting silence for a moment before Hyunjin leaned back, cupping her bruised cheek so tenderly as he pulled her into a soft kiss. Y/n melted into his achingly familiar lips, every fear gone from her and everything right with her universe again.

They retired for a quiet night, Hyunjin luring her into his charms until she was a dazed, panting mess where she was spread beneath him. After he’d replaced every fear she’d had with a pleasure only he could provide, she fell asleep in Hyunjin’s arms, unaware that it would be the last loving moment they would share for several lifetimes.

Spells and curse-craft were taboo subjects among those in everyday life, but they were a hidden dark tool of the wealthy and elite, the arcane and supernatural simply another way for them to achieve whatever they desire.

Lord Choi was one who exploited such powers, a curse user often being sent from his home into the homes of his enemies. His reasons were petty, anyone who disagreed with him, rich or poor, became any enemy worthy of destroying.

After leaving Y/n’s study, he’d immediately returned to his manor to locate the sinister curse-user in his employ. The shadowy figure found him first, seeming to sense his master’s intent.

‘You seek me, my lord?’

‘Yes, I have an urgent job for you.’

The gaunt man bowed, motioning to walk with him as he relayed his instructions.

‘The woman must suffer before she alerts someone who might defend her. A cruel irony in her fate feels appropriate. No miserable artist, a woman at that, can speak to me with such disrespect. I will erase her very name from history if I have to, even the wealthiest of her friends will have a price they’re willing to accept to forget her. If anyone interferes with your duties, kill them.’

‘A cruel irony, my lord? She is a sculptor, correct?’

The curse user smiled cruelly when Lord Choi nodded.

‘I have the perfect fate for her, my lord, leave it to me.’

Many times through the years did Y/n think back on this day, a day that started so normal and ended in such tragedy.

Laying in Hyunjin’s arms still as they peacefully slept, both were unaware of the same shadowed figure that stalked the halls of their cozy home.

He lay the groundwork for his curse the moment he entered the house, taking inspiration from the numerous sculpted works displayed around the lower floors. Ascending the stairs as quietly as he could, the curse-user froze at the very top when a loose board protested loudly under his weight. He listened for a moment, his breath held as he waited to hear any movement. Nothing stirred, so he relaxed minutely and continued his journey towards his destination, the curse layering the upper floor as well.

Hyunjin wasn’t sure what woke him, his eyes fluttering open to the picture of her bathed in moonlight, naked in his arms as though she were made to be there. He captured the sight for a moment, committing it to memory and hoping he could successfully paint it later, though he doubted the warm feeling would be the same.

Suddenly parched, he gently extracted himself from around her, stretching with a quiet sigh as he moved to open the door and get a drink of water.

Startled, both men froze at the sight of the other. Hyunjin’s blood ran cold to see the dark figure in his house, immediately connecting the dots that this is what woke him. The curse-user acted on instinct from where he’d crouched in front of the door, remembering his master’s orders to eliminate anyone who interfered with him cursing the sculptor.

He swiftly stood, clamping one hand over Hyunjin’s mouth as he pushed him against the hallway wall, drawing a long blade from his belt and stabbing it sickeningly upward into Hyunjin’s heart.

Pain seared through Hyunjin’s chest, with no time to react he was powerless as he choked a gurgled yell against the attacker’s hand. His head rapidly grew fuzzy, his arms losing their strength faster than he could believe.

No…what is this? Am I…dying? No! Y/n, please wake up!

All of this rang through Hyunjin’s head as he beat weakly against the curse-user’s hold, but no words left his mouth, the hand still clamped firmly around his jaw. He could feel the warmth of his blood running down his side and leg, his breathing growing shorter as he slowly lost the strength to stand.

Sliding him down the wall until he was sat, the curse-user sneered at Hyunjin as he saw the fight leaving his limbs.

‘Not easy to fight back as you bleed to death, is it boy? Don’t worry, I’m not here to kill your girl, no…she’s going to live for a long, long time. Maybe then she’ll learn not to disrespect those who are above her.’

His hissed words were heard as though Hyunjin were underwater, his head lolling to the side against the grip over his mouth, using the last of the strength he could feel leaving his body to gaze at her still sleeping form. Tears ran from his eyes as he etched the image of her so peaceful into his mind for the last time. Darkness clouded the edges of his vision, his last thought echoing through time.

Anywhere in forever, mi amor…I will find you again.

Y/n shifted awake as her back grew cold, opening her eyes as she realized Hyunjin was no longer in the bed behind her. Sitting up, she looked around but couldn’t see him in the room either.

‘Hyunjin? My love?’

When no response came from him, she draped herself in the sheet and moved to get out of the bed. The moment her feet touched the cold floor, terror shot through her entire being. Fear that felt so instinctual her skin seemed to crawl with it, choking her breath, and causing her heart to hammer wildly beneath her ribcage.

At first she thought that same fear had frozen her legs and kept her from moving, but with another attempt to step toward her bedroom door, Y/n started to panic when her legs were unmoving from the knee down. She couldn’t wiggle her toes, and she tried to convince herself that it was a trick of the light that made her feet look as pale as marble.

‘Hyunjin? Jin, please! Where are you?’

Her cries echoed through the empty house, still no response coming from him anywhere. A deadening feeling began climbing it’s way past her knees, Y/n looked down in horror as the sheet around her thighs melded to her skin, turning into a flawless swath of silky marble. The realization that she was being cursed came with a flood of conflicting emotions; Where was Hyunjin? Who was cursing her? Was she going to die?

She thought she should be crying, but she’d heard stories from the rich people that she’d worked for and she knew only the wealthy would send a curse-user after someone, and so instead she was filled with rage.

The squeak of the bedroom door had her looking up, hope in her eyes to see Hyunjin standing there, ready to help her as the deadening feeling traveled farther up past her hips and to her waist.

Luckily she couldn’t feel her stomach anymore as it turned to the same stone as her legs, or it would have lurched at the sight of the stooped and shadowy figure that stood before her instead of her love. She knew in the back of her mind that he was the one responsible for cursing her. Hatred, frustration, fear, and rage all crossed her face, her mouth trying to open as she prepared to unleash hell in her words, but suddenly she could no longer speak. Forget speaking, she could no longer breathe…

‘What’s the matter, woman, curse got your tongue?’

Craning her neck to look down as much as she could, Y/n realized the dead feeling had spread through her arms and all the way to her shoulders. Draped elegantly in her bedsheet, she was now almost completely turned to stone.

This can’t be happening…why is this happening? Please, Jin, where the hell are you?

Looking back up at the intruder, only desperation filled her eyes now as she begged for anything. Giving into her silent plea, the curse-user cruelly granted her one last sight before she was frozen forever.

Stepping to the side, Y/n felt her heart shatter, the pieces tearing her from the inside as he revealed the slumped form of Hyunjin behind him. Sitting unmoving against the wall in a pool of his own blood, she could see no movement or breath from him, the image of his glassy, lifeless eyes turned to her burning itself into her memory for eternity.

NO! Hyunjin, my love, no!

In her mind, she screamed and cried, thrashed and tore at her hair. It was impossible, there was no way…no way that Hyunjin was dead. Their love was infinite, he’d promised her forever, how could the universe take him from her like this?

On the outside, she could only manage the tortured expression of lost love, and a single tear that managed to escape. It clung to the edge of her eye, never falling as it froze, numbness spreading over her entire body as she became a perfect marble statue. She could only watch as the intruder approached her then, whispering as though it was a great secret only she could know.

‘You really should have known better than to disrespect someone like Lord Choi. He sends his regards and hopes that you enjoy the rest of your lonely eternity.’

Modern Day

Y/n discovered that eternity held such darkness. Unable to move, unable to breathe, unable to do anything but spiral in the confines of her mind. Every stage of grief racked her frozen body, her emotions and memories her only solace and the prison that she could never escape from.

Years passed her by and time flowed around her and through her like the wind through a field of grass. She lost sense of what exact year it was, which museum or art school she was transported too and forced to be studied, which people were marveling at her craftsmanship without knowing the darkness of her secret.

The curse didn’t allow her to sleep the same way humans might, her mind stuck in an endless loop, her only respite being a waking dream that allowed her to relive her memories. After several hundred years of this endless cycle she had grown numb to the sharpest edges of her pain, even the saddest of memories sparking a twisted sense of comfort.

She would surface every so often to see if she’d landed somewhere interesting and learn what time period it was, but being a statue was rather boring and in five hundred years, nowhere she’d woken up had seemed very exciting for very long.

So she lived in her memories, the sight of Hyunjin still haunting her even in waking moments. No matter how much she forced herself to relive the happy or soft memories of him, they were always shattered by the image of his lifeless eyes.

The latest waking dream she found herself in was the worst in a long while. The dream started with that horrible night, the guilt she felt over not hearing him die manifesting in the imagined sounds of Hyunjin’s rasped breathing surrounding her.

‘Please…mi amor…help me.’

Y/n was used to the panic now, almost relieved to see him in such detail as she knew she still remembered him, even if his memory still scarred her. She was not accustomed, however, to when the memory changed.

Suddenly, Hyunjin stood from his pool of blood, standing before her in an instant, gripping her jaw in his bloody hand as he whispered intensely.

‘I can see you, mi amor…wake up!’

Y/n had never woken into the current time so quickly. Like jolting from a nightmare, and though she couldn’t feel her heartbeat, she knew it would’ve been hammering after a dream like that. Never before had it changed, he’d never moved, and he’d never spoken to her like he was right in front of her.

She gazed around as much as she could, considering her eyes couldn’t move, to try and distract her from her fear and realized she was in a different place from the last time she’d woken up.

The ceiling was vaulted, high above the large room that was filled with the evening sun as it streaked through the wall of windows running along one side. The soft marble and tiled walls glowed with warm light, a serene quiet filling the air around the array of other statues and sculptures positioned throughout the space.

She was displayed on a higher pedestal than she was used to, her gaze scanning the entirety of the room from her vantage point. There were velvet ropes around her pedestal, a placard standing near her that she assumed held a description of her exhibit.

A museum. Have I finally made the classics?

Y/n mused at her small joke, scanning the room again to acquaint herself. She almost forgot about her fear entirely as she realized she recognized the other statues that stood in the room around her. Every single one was carved into her very muscle memory as she’d spent hours upon hours perfecting the details of each piece. They were hers. The entire exhibit, each statue and its placard, was dedicated to her…

Wow…perhaps I should have been awake. It seems someone has curated my life’s work. I suppose I have made the classics then.

Y/n was astonished. She’d discovered that a few years after he cursed her, Lord Choi had gone around to the wealthy families that had commissioned her work and paid to convince them to forget her name. He tried everything in his power to erase her from history, simply because she’d offered him a price he disagreed with.

However, she could see now that he had failed. Someone remembered her, and if statues could weep, she would with tears of near joy.

She felt content in this space in a way she hadn’t felt anywhere else, being surrounded by her work again almost feeling like she was being brought home. The only differences were that she hadn’t been part of the exhibit to start, and when she originally sculpted the works in that room, Hyunjin was with her through it all. Even this many years later, the memory of him often still hurt like the first day.

Before she could begin to wallow into her past again, Y/n was drawn to the soft sound of footsteps wandering through the exhibit. Despite how boring immortality could be, she always loved to see a person when she first woke up, eager to spot the evolution of fashion and technology. Slowly snaking through the different statues, stopping occasionally to read an inscription, a tall, ethereal man with dark hair approached her.

Impossible.

Y/n was sure the wave of shock that coursed through her was strong enough to crack the marble she was made of.

No…that’s impossible.

She could live and die a million lifetimes, but Y/n knew she would recognize his silhouette in any universe. The angle of his nose, the curve of his plump lips, his long and delicate hands that only crafted beauty and pleasure.

I saw him dead…it’s. not. possible.

His features were carved into her heart more permanently than any statue of marble. As the man stopped in front of her, reading her description before backing up slightly to admire her in full, Y/n felt her heart beat for the first time since the day he died, the face of her lost love gazing up at her.

Hyunjin?

Hyunjin honestly couldn’t tell you why he’d suddenly decided to study the art of sculpting. He was a painter, not a sculptor, and while of course he appreciated other forms of art, even his best friend Seungmin had said his sudden switch-up was strange.

Truthfully, he’d noticed a flyer on the subway for the opening of a new sculpture exhibit, a finally completed dedication to an unknown artist of renowned talent. The way the style itched at his brain intrigued him, like seeing the face of someone you recognized from a dream. Figuring it wouldn’t hurt to just visit and see what it was about, on his next free day, he texted Seungmin about his plans in case anyone was looking for him, and then caught the subway across town to the museum.

The moment he set foot into the exhibit’s room, something heavy washed over him. Hyunjin knew the feeling of deja vu well, he’d found himself experiencing it many times as he pursued his art career, but this was deja vu so severe he had to lean against the wall for a moment.

What the hell?

He shook his head slightly to clear it, moving more slowly as he weaved through the different statues on display. Each one had a plaque that told the story of the aristocrat or royal-someone that the statue depicted. Beneath each familial description was the estimated date for when the statue was completed. A number on the pedestal of each one showed Hyunjin the chronological order of the artists work, and as he walked them in ascending order, he still carried the feeling of deja vu.

He knew he’d never seen this exhibit before, it had just opened, and yet every single one of the statues sparked a feeling of familiarity. None of the placards held the name of the artist, and as he reached the last date marked statue, he paused at the sight of a larger placard than the others.

The Last Work of the Artist Unknown

This exhibit is a sad testament to the savageness that is the flow of time. Through a hundred years, our curators have found these marvelous works of art that showed the masterful touch of the same artist. A signature style and eye for detail, this collection portrays the beautiful journey of one who’s name has been lost to history.

The final statue before you is the most recent dated work of this talented individual, and it seems also their last work. The peak of their craft is shown in the smooth embellishments and hyper-realistic expression carved into her beautiful face. Unlike the other commissioned pieces, however, this piece has no story. She is as unknown as the artist who carved her, and no matter how we wish to erase the torment from her face, the only solace we can grant her is that even unknown, she and her creator will be remembered.

A deep sadness filled him as he read the inscription, unknown regret and longing in his mind of a time he’d never known.

Stepping back with a shaky breath, Hyunjin finally looked up at the statue before him.

Stunned.

He was utterly and completely stunned.

Hyunjin had seen many paintings, photographs, and sculptures that could astonish even the toughest art critic, but he knew somewhere deeper than his heart, down to his soul he knew that she was the most beautiful work of art he had ever witnessed.

He gaped at her in awe, the delicate craft that shaped her showing in the curves of her figure, the soft look of the marble sheet as it draped across her body filling Hyunjin with a deep longing to pull it from her and feel her warm skin.

That shocked Hyunjin back to reality slightly as he thought, warm skin? Why would I think that about a statue?, looking at her more intensely as his eyes trailed up to her face. He again felt a hint of recognition, like he’d seen her face in a forgotten dream, and he was suddenly floored by sharp grief at the tortured expression she carried.

An image flashed through his head, a woman laying naked in a white bed as moonlight shone across her sleeping form, pain following it as he winced at the sudden ringing in his ear.

Shaking his head again, Hyunjin’s mind was swirling with a dizzying mixture of emotions and a growing headache. Looking up at her cautiously again, he still carried the heavy feeling of grief, but decided he needed to sleep off his impending headache before he tried to think any more.

Casting a longing glance at her one more time, he slowly made his way out of the museum, determined to learn more about her and the exhibit, and unable to fight a dragging feeling as though he were leaving something behind.

Neither of them slept very much that night.

Not that Y/n actually slept, but now she was fully aware, determined to watch for him to return, hope for him to return. At this point she didn’t care how it had happened, simply to have seen him alive was a balm on her broken heart. Her excitement was only sobered by the thought that he would never return to the exhibit again, but she found herself stubbornly ignoring that thought as her field of view stayed alert on the entrance to the exhibit.

Hyunjin didn’t sleep for a very different reason. After he made it back to his apartment, he completely ignored Seungmin and secluded himself in his room to research the exhibit. Hours of staring at his screen gave him little more than the information he could already find while at the museum.

The only new thing he’d learned was the name of the man who curated the final stages of the collection, and who’d sponsored the exhibit at the museum, a wealthy business man named Choi Jongho.

Growing frustrated, he shut his laptop down and rubbed his eyes with a groan, his headache really not helped by all of his screen exposure. Hands still pressed against his eyes, Hyunjin’s mind wandered over the heavy feeling of familiarity he felt throughout the exhibit. Again the memory of the sleeping woman flashes through his mind, his confusion only adding to the growing pressure in his head.

Heaving a sigh, Hyunjin left his room to eat a midnight snack, taking two pain meds to try and sleep through the pulsing behind his eyes. As he settled into his bed finally, his unconsciousness came quickly, his sleep anything but restful.

Hyunjin had never been one that remembered his dreams, though he knew he had them often, but the moment his eyes closed, he was trapped in the most vivid dreams he’d ever experienced.

A beautiful woman running ahead of him in a vast field of flowers, her hand stretched back to him as he reached for her. Catching her and rolling through the grass as her laughter rang through the air.

The cold biting against his cheeks, his arms wrapped around the same woman under a large blanket, the two of them gazing at a sky filled with more stars than could be seen today as she intertwined their hands.

Her gorgeous face again, laughing hysterically at him as she smeared oil on his cheeks, a startled gasp followed by more laughter coming from her as he responded by flinging paint through her hair.

A breathed moan echoed in his head as he saw her spread beneath him in soft pleasure, her hair a messy halo against his pillow as he made love to her.

Hyunjin jolted awake from the last dream, chest heaving and covered in a thin sheen of sweat as he panted. The tightness in his gut said he was embarrassingly affected by the phantom feeling of her under him, taking a few seconds to collect himself before he slipped into his bathroom for a cold shower.

He leaned his head against the tiles as he stood under the spray, remembering each dream for the first time in his life. Why was he having such vivid dreams of a woman he didn’t know? It carried a sense of familiarity with it that he realized was similar to the feeling in the exhibit, shocked at his next realization that he did recognize the woman. The statue, the unknown artist’s final work, depicted the woman that now filled his dreams. Maybe he did know her?

Hyunjin shook his head at his own ridiculousness. How could you know her, pabo, her statue is five hundred years old. He climbed out of his shower, dried off slowly, and returned to his bed as though on auto pilot, his mind still confused and anxious.

He tossed and turned for the rest of the night, only dozing until he heard the sounds of Seungmin shuffling around in the living room. Dragging himself from his bed, he slipped on a hoodie and met Seungmin in the kitchen where he was preparing coffee.

Seungmin chuckled at the sight of a sleep-deprived Hyunjin, pulling down another mug without him having to ask.

“You look like shit. What happened, did you lose a fight with the monster in your closet?”

Hyunjin glared at the back of Seungmin’s head, plopping himself into a kitchen chair with a groan and laying his head on the table.

“Well you always look like shit. And be a little quieter please, my head has been killing me.”

His voice was muffled, but Seungmin got the idea, rolling his eyes as he set Hyunjin’s mug in front of him.

“I know you’re not hungover, so what’s wrong with you? You better not be sick, I can’t afford to stay home from work right now.”

Hyunjin contemplated what to say as he sipped at his coffee. He’d known Seungmin for a long time, their friendship seeing some pretty strange times and making it through, but he still wasn’t even sure about what was going on and he was afraid Seungmin would laugh and say he was insane.

His silence worried Seungmin a little, hearing no snarky comeback was very uncharacteristic of Hyunjin. He moved to stand across from Hyunjin, poking him gently in the forehead to gain his attention.

“Hello? Anyone up there?”

His tone was sarcastic, but Hyunjin could tell he was concerned, so he steeled himself before he quietly said, “I think I might be going crazy?”

Seungmin was silent for a beat, resisting the urge to make a pabo joke as he realized Hyunjin was serious.

“Okay…why do you think you’re going crazy?”

Hyunjin sighed, slightly relieved Seungmin didn’t laugh at him, before he collected his thoughts.

“Well…you know that new sculpture exhibit I told you about? I visited it yesterday.”

Seungmin nodded, remembering the text he received before Hyunjin caught the train. He watched Hyunjin nervously wring his hands, mind jumping to a million different ways this conversation could go.

“I don’t know how to explain it…but I knew every statue on display. And not in the way it would be if you went with me to a well known art exhibit, but in the way like I was…there when all of them were made?”

“You were there?” Seungmin asked, guessing from his tone that he was definitely too young to have actually been present.

“Well, obviously not! Every statue is over five hundred years old, of course I wasn’t there, but I just felt deja vu and I swear I knew their faces…ugh I don’t know Seungmin.”

Hyunjin dropped his head into his hands with a huff, Seungmin patting his head in an awkward attempt to reassure him.

“I started to get a headache in the exhibit…and seeing flashes of memories, I think? One of the statues looked really familiar, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen her before. The artist has no name, and the last statue has no model dedication, but I just have this feeling of…recognition. I tried to do some research when I came home last night, but I could only find the name of the exhibit’s curator.”

“What’s his name? Maybe we could send him an email or something and see if he’ll meet us so we can ask him some questions.”

Hyunjin looked up, wondering why he didn’t think of that.

“Choi Jongho. He’s a business man from a wealthy family. But why would he answer an email from us? And what would I even ask him? ‘Hey why am I having weird dreams about one of the statues you found?’ Because that wouldn’t get me escorted out for being a crazy person.”

Seungmin ignored his rambling as he scrolled on his phone, finding a business profile on the Choi’s company website that held the public emails of each member of the Choi family. Finding Jongho’s at the bottom of the list, the youngest son of the family, he copied it into a new email and typed out a message asking if he would be willing to answer more in depth questions about his new exhibit.

Not even 5 minutes later, he’d received a response with a time and address for a meet up.

“There.” He cut off Hyunjin’s rambling, turning his phone to show him the message. “Whether he thinks you’re crazy or not, at least you’ll get a chance to talk to him soon.”

And crazy wasn’t exactly the word Jongho would have used to describe the request he’d received from that random email. He’d had many people ask him for interviews and statements about finishing the collection and opening the exhibit, but something in his gut told him that the two men who walked into his gallery now were not here for journalistic reasons.

Hyunjin was speechless as they walked into the Choi family gallery. The family’s personal collection of generations of curated artwork, Hyunjin felt like he could wander around for hours and never grow bored. Turning in a wide circle as he stared around in awe, he bumped into Seungmin as he stopped short, bowing slightly to the suited business man that approached them.

Jongho smiled as he watched Hyunjin’s reaction, guessing that he’d be the one with the most questions. Bowing back to them both, he motioned around him.

“Welcome, gentlemen. It’s refreshing to see at least one fellow art lover walk through our doors for the first time. I am Choi Jongho, the one you emailed about the questions you had regarding the new statue exhibit at the museum. If you’d follow me, I have a smaller room where we can sit and talk.”

Hyunjin and Seungmin both introduced themselves and bowed to him again as they followed him into a cozy study, the walls lined with more collected art, the old bookshelves holding their own impressive collection of rare and antique novels.

Just as Hyunjin went to sit, a portrait next to Jongho’s desk caught his eye. His heart stuttered as he saw the woman from his dreams, the beautiful woman in the statue, her softly smiling image preserved in oil paint on canvas.

Approaching it slowly, any words the other two spoke at him went unheard. As he stood before the portrait, it was as though his entire world view came into focus. Instantly transferred through time, he saw his hand raised to the canvas, the painting incomplete but with the brush secure between his fingers, his muse posed beyond the edge of the easel, her loving smile blooming warmth in his soul.

Hyunjin was brought back to the present by Seungmin grabbing his shoulder. He looked at him dazed, worry lacing Seungmin’s face as he saw that Hyunjin was crying.

“What happened? Why are you crying suddenly?”

Hyunjin shook his head, unable to form any words that would be a decent explanation for what he saw and felt.

Jongho watched the entire scene curiously, more intrigued than ever with the tall man’s connection to the exhibit.

“Do you recognize that portrait?”

Hyunjin turned at Jongho’s question, uncertain if he should tell them his suspicions. Jongho approached his other side, all three of them now standing before her portrait.

“When I received your message, I had hoped that I may learn something as well from your curiosity. There are many who are interested in the notoriety of someone in my family curating and donating such a large project to a public museum, but I see now that neither of you are even slightly interested in topics of that matter. If I had to guess…I would say your questions stem from you recognizing the last and unknown statue in the exhibit, considering your recognition of a portrait of the same woman.”

Seungmin was stunned with Jongho’s quick analysis of the situation, something telling him this man knew more than he let on. Hyunjin was still quiet, gazing at the portrait before he spoke lowly.

“I don’t know if I’m crazy or not, but I’ve been having dreams and flashes of memories that feel as though they’re mine even if I’ve never lived them. It started when I entered the exhibit, I had such a strong feeling of deja vu, like I’d watched each statue be carved over hundreds of hours. The final statue…this portrait…I know her face. I can see her in so many different scenarios, so many memories that aren’t mine but that I can still feel in my heart.”

Hyunjin’s gaze was distant, Jongho smiling sadly as he put the pieces together.

“There are secrets that the rich keep only for themselves.” Jongho gained their attention with his soft words. “One such secret is hardly to be believed, but the evidence I’ve found has forced my belief. Years ago, one of my ancestors was a cruel man that made the base of my families great fortune through fear mongering and bloody violence. I found a record of him when I was a child, but my intrigue also led me to the discovery of my ancestors use of cruel and arcane arts to achieve his goals.”

Seungmin and Hyunjin listened with rapt attention now, something telling them that Jongho knew what was wrong with Hyunjin.

“You’re not crazy, at least not to me.” Jongho smiled dryly, “That was were my search for the unknown artist started, a page in the records showing a list of wealthy families from the time that had all been visited by my ancestor. Once I had the connection, I found the pieces of the puzzle through the statues that were completed. My family has always collected art, and fortunately they had already collected a few of the statues without realizing that they were done by the same artist. It took me until this last year to find her statue, however. It seems my ancestor is the reason that she is unnamed, and after finding the final statue, I felt obligated to ease the tortured expression on her face and atone for my ancestors cruelty.”

Jongho gazed at her portrait sadly then. “My ancestor held a record of a curse-user that worked for him, his signature way of eliminating his targets being something cruelly ironic to their way of life. My theory…is the curse-user is somehow responsible for the artists disappearance from history, the cruel irony being their art works surviving without knowing the talent behind their creation.”

As interested as he’d been in Jongho’s altruistic motives in creating the exhibit, something dark scratched at the edges of Hyunjin’s memory with the mention of the curse-user. He had another brief flash of the past, a dark figure crouched before him, the glint of a silver knife covered in blood, a naked woman sleeping peacefully in the moonlight.

With growing certainty, Hyunjin looked back at her portrait.

In the heavy silence, he let his embarrassment fall away, turning to the other two with a hesitant look on his face.

“Do you…believe in past lives?”

Seungmin almost laughed in his face, but the serious look on Hyunjin, and Jongho’s, faces made him seriously consider. Past lives? Is that what was causing Hyunjin’s headache and weird dreams? He was remembering his past life?

Jongho folded his arms as he thought, asking “Your name is Hyunjin, correct?”

When Hyunjin nodded, he reached out and flipped the woman’s portrait around, revealing a letter on the back, the ink showing the age.

You deserve so much more than paint on canvas. The stars, the very heavens above would not be enough to portray my love for you, but to have your beauty frozen in time for me to cherish will be enough for me. May you have the happiest of birthdays, my muse.

Anywhere in forever, mi amor, your Jin.

Hyunjin felt more tears run uncontrollably down his face as he read the message. A letter that, without a doubt, he’d penned to the beautiful woman in the painting.

“I…painted this. I know I did…I remember.”

His whisper was hoarse, his fingers tracing the delicate shapes of the letters before he flipped the painting back around to her face. Jongho nodded, “There is a collection of paintings in the museum, all of them done at the same times that correspond with the statues of those wealthy families. Each one done by the same artist, in the style of this portrait as well, and all carry the signature of a man named Jin.”

Suddenly, Hyunjin remembered.

The house they shared, her study filled with half finished marble and carving tools, his easels and paint supplies surrounding him, her smile as she watched him paint.

The night he’d died…

‘Not easy to fight back as you bleed to death, is it boy? Don’t worry, I’m not here to kill your girl, no…she’s going to live for a long, long time. Maybe then she’ll learn not to disrespect those who are above her.’

The hissed word of the curse-user as he watched Hyunjin bleed out rang through his head like he’d heard it just moments ago. ‘…she’s going to live for a long, long time’? What did he mean by that?

Like lightning struck him twice, he realized what ‘cruel irony’ the curse-user had trapped her in. To some it would sound outlandish, but Hyunjin was suddenly deadly certain that he did know the unknown artist’s final statue. He knew her better than himself, she was the unknown artist, she was alive…and he loved her.

Turning to Jongho desperately, he held his shoulders tightly, his eyes reminiscent of a mad man’s.

“Can you take me to the exhibit? Please? I can’t explain it but I do know her, I know the unknown artist. Actually never mind…it’ll be faster if I just run.”

He turned to run from the room, fully prepared to sprint to her if he had to, but Jongho grabbed his collar, Seungmin pulling him back as well.

“Woah, woah, just slow down. I’ll take you there, I don’t know what’s going on but you’re not running all the way across town to the museum. Besides the exhibit would be closed by then, so I’ll let you in.”

Hyunjin was practically shaking with adrenaline, Seungmin holding him tightly to stop him from bolting as Jongho led them outside to a fancy black car.

Hold on, mi amor, I’m coming.

To say Y/n was surprised would be an understatement. Gazing out over the exhibit had slowly grown tiring, each dark haired man that entered her sight making her heart jump before being disappointed that it wasn’t Hyunjin. She’d given up for the day, seeing as her exhibit just closed, when rapid footsteps alerted her to the three men approaching.

Like the first time, her heart stuttered at the sight of him. He looked more beautiful than she even remembered, a warmth filling her that she’d been unable to feel for so long. She didn’t even pay attention to the other two that accompanied him as they approached her pedestal, frustrated when they drew close enough that they were below her eye line.

Hyunjin gazed up at her again in awe, grief and regret swirling through him as the feeling of familiarity made sense this time. Seungmin was also admiring her, still not entirely sure what was happening, both of them unable to get any clear explanation from Hyunjin while Jongho drove them there.

Jongho, however, had guessed more of the meaning behind Hyunjin’s words than Seungmin, looking up at her with a generation’s worth of guilt written across his face. The thought that she had been alive this entire time and he’d been so close to the truth ate at Jongho, but he shook his head as he resolved that he would fix his families mistake and hope that she forgave him.

“Hyunjin, don’t climb on the pedestal…come with me and we can get a ladder.”

Hyunjin stopped midway through analyzing if he would be able to climb up to her height, sheepishly turning to follow Jongho, the two of them swiftly returning with the ladder. Seungmin unhooked the velvet ropes in front of her and helped Jongho hold the ladder steady as Hyunjin climbed until he was face to face with her for the first time in five hundred years.

For them, time stopped.

Hyunjin finally saw her the way he’d dreamed. Up close, every moment of their life together swept through him like a warm breeze. His hand trembled as he slowly reached out, cupping her cheek as though she were made of glass, not marble.

Y/n felt the weight of her curse more than she ever had before. All she wanted was to throw herself into his arms, feel him alive against her once again. The familiarity in his eyes told her he knew who she was, he remembered her.

She’d never known if there was a way to end her curse, some sliver of hope that she would ever escape her terrible fate. But as he held her face so tenderly, she knew he was the only one who ever had the chance to free her.

His warmth seeped into her skin, her heartbeat thumping in her stone chest as the fated tide of their combined love became too strong to be contained by mere marble. Hyunjin threw any doubt he had to the wind, leaning forward to press his lips against the stone of hers as he whispered,

“I’m so sorry, mi amor, I’ve kept you waiting for so long.”

The dam in Y/n burst when he kissed her, the tinkling of a single glass tear causing Jongho and Seungmin to look up. Both were confused to see Hyunjin kissing a statue, but it quickly turned to astonishment as they watched the statue disappear.

Every tear she’d wished to shed over so many years finally poured from her eyes as they fluttered shut. Her lips softened against Hyunjin’s, her arms reaching out for him as he stepped onto the pedestal for support when her legs lost strength. Their arms circled each other tightly, their kiss breaking as she gasped before sobbing into Hyunjin’s chest. Tears of relief ran down Hyunjin’s face, his voice broken as he whispered into her hair.

“But I found you, Y/n, I’m here.”

Being a cursed statue one moment and human the next can be a very shocking experience for everyone involved, it seems.

Y/n hadn’t felt so many emotions and sensations in a long time, and the shock on her body had her slipping unconscious after crying so hard. They’d managed to get her and Hyunjin off the pedestal and down the ladder without getting hurt, Hyunjin still holding her in his arms where he now sat against the pedestal’s base. He brushed his fingers gently over her face, still amazed that she’d known him in the past, amazed that she’d been cursed and alive this whole time.

The tense silence was broken as Seungmin cleared his throat.

“Umm…as strange as this all is, we probably shouldn’t be found in the museum with her considering she was a statue until a minute ago.”

Jongho nodded, “Hyunjin, are you alright to carry her?”

Hyunjin shuffled her around in his arms as he nodded, picking her up bridal style and carrying her as though she were still a priceless work of art.

The car ride was equally as tense, Jongho finally speaking lowly. “If I had known she was alive…”

Hyunjin just shook his head, his eyes still not leaving her. “There’s nothing you could have done, Jongho. You did everything possible by putting together the exhibit of her work, making sure that she was remembered despite your ancestor trying to erase her. And because you did that, I remembered her. I remembered her and now she’s free.”

Hyunjin looked up at him in the mirror then, his gratitude shining in the tears along his lashes.

“Thank you…”

Jongho smiled, turning back to the road and feeling the guilt begin to slip away at Hyunjin’s words. He drove them to their apartment with Seungmin’s guidance, handing him a business card with his personal phone number on it.

“I would be very interested to speak with her…if she wishes to whenever she’s adjusted.”

Seungmin nodded and waved Jongho off as Hyunjin was already in the building. Once in their apartment he went directly to his room, laying her gently on his bed.

Sitting back, Hyunjin was hit with the gravity of the situation. What happened now? What was he supposed to say to her? What if she wanted to leave and never see him again?

Before he could spiral much further, Seungmin put a hand on his shoulder, the gentle pressure doing wonders to ground Hyunjin. He took a deep breath, “I’m sorry Seungmin…I don’t even know what else to say. This whole thing is a huge confusing mess.”

Seungmin shook his head as he said lowly, “Let’s just get some food ready, and you can change her out of her five hundred year old sheet…then we’ll take it one step at a time after she wakes up. It’ll be okay…just keep reminding yourself that you saved her.”

Hyunjin nodded, following Seungmin out of his room. His nervousness grew as they busied themselves with preparing everything, anxious to know what would happen when she finally woke.

Two days passed before Y/n finally opened her eyes. Hundreds of years had she been deprived of a restful sleep, the weight of her body unfamiliar as she sank into the comfort of her half-awake state. Her awareness was slower to catch up, the realization that she was laying down causing her to jolt upright quickly.

She pressed a hand to her head as the sudden movement made her dizzy, the strange room slowly coming into focus as she looked around. She sat in a soft bed, her body covered with a large shirt instead of her bedsheet. A warm light came from the lamp that rested on the desk in the corner, the top of it covered in scattered art supplies and open sketchbooks. The walls held sketches and paintings that were partially finished or beautifully completed. The style took her breath away, the delicate strokes shown in each vibrant color, a perfect reflection of his past life and one she would recognize anywhere.

Hyunjin…is it really him?

She remembered the kiss, feeling his warm lips for the first time in years. If it broke the curse, it had to be him…right?

Shuffling to the edge of the bed Y/n attempted to stand and leave the room, but the moment her legs were under her, they crumbled as they were unused to holding her on their own. Landing with a thump, she groaned as her knee reminded her of the feeling of pain before looking up when the light from the hall illuminated her form as the door swung open.

Hyunjin heard the thump from his place on the couch, the last two days fraying his nerves as he checked on her constantly and listened for any sign of movement. Grabbing a glass of water and immediately running towards his room, he paused at the sight of her awake and on the floor next to his bed.

They held each others eye for a frozen moment, tears brimming along her lashes as she took in the sight of him again. Not with her as a statue, not with him bleeding out, but finally face to face, and she couldn’t stop the tears that slipped as she whispered at him.

“…are you?…Hyunjin?…are you really my Jin?”

Hyunjin’s breath caught as he set the glass on the floor, kneeling in front of her with his hands out as though he wished to caress her face, but he hesitated.

“I don’t know…”, he whispered back. “I am Hyunjin, and I remember, I do…Y/n…but I don’t know if I am who I was then. But I swear, I will do anything I can to help you now.”

Tears laced his eyes as she listened, the forgotten feeling of her heart pounding in her chest enough proof to her that her lost love kneeled before her. She reached for him then with a watery smile, his arms automatically accepting her as he picked her up off the floor and set her gently on his bed again.

“You don’t have to do anything for me. You set me free, a debt I can never repay you for. There’s nothing to prove.”

Her voice was still soft, hoarse from no use for a very long time. Hyunjin felt like he was home with the sound of it, quickly grabbed the water and holding it for her as she sipped it gratefully.

“I want to help you, though. I meant it when I said I remember…mi amor…and I would feel like a complete ass if I just abandoned you in a time you knew nothing about.”

Y/n looked up at him as he whispered her beloved nickname, the recognition in his eyes the same that she saw in him at the museum. She chuckled as his declaration, her heart brimming with warmth at the idea that he would stay with her.

“Then you are still like you were in the past…loving, selfless, dramatic…”

Hyunjin couldn’t help but grin at her playfully when she teased him, falling into a pattern of conversation and jest that felt as natural as breathing.

“I’m afraid I was born with the drama, so I guess it transcends time.” His face grew serious then, his hand coming up to brush her hair behind her ear. “But…I left you alone…suffering for over five hundred years. That’s not selfless. It’s only right that I take care of you now, I have a lot to make up for.”

Her eyes closed as the warmth of his hand again seeped into her cheek, igniting her desire for him. Y/n blushed at the sudden feeling, looking away from him sheepishly as the tension between them thickened.

Hyunjin stopped her with the hand on her cheek, sliding his fingers under her chin to tilt her head back up. He shouldn’t feel such a powerful urge to kiss her, technically they barely knew each other, but that didn’t stop him from leaning towards her, his eyes trained on her lips.

Y/n held her breath, conflicted over the same fact of them not really knowing the other, but the less rational side of her, the side that yearned for him for five hundred years, screamed at her to let him make her feel again.

“Tell me if you don’t want that. Whatever you want, I’ll do anything to make it happen, even if it’s not me.”

“No!…no it’s you.” She leaned up to meet him half way, her voice still soft but growing desperate. “I can see in your eyes that you remember, I trust you Jin and I know I’m safe now. Whatever happens, I just hope you’ll let me stay.”

Hyunjin smiled brightly, her heart flipping when she saw he still had his dimples, his other hand coming up to cup her face as he pulled her into a tender kiss that healed every crack that time had wrought in her soul.

Her hands gripped the front of his shirt tightly, unbidden tears running down her cheeks again at the overwhelming amount of good feelings that came with the knowledge that she was free, this was real, she’d found her love once again.

He brushed his thumbs under her eyes to dry her tears as he pulled away, whispering, “Please stay.”, before pulling her back into a more passionate kiss. Y/n whimpered against his lips, trying to pull him closer but only succeeding in pulling him off balance, Hyunjin letting out a muffled squeal as he fell forward.

Barely catching himself from squishing her, he pushed himself up only to be frozen at the sight of her beneath him. As if she’d jumped from the past itself, or from his very dreams, she was flushed from his kiss and gazing at him with desperate eyes. The difference now was she was real, and an added bonus for Hyunjin was she was naked in only one of his shirts.

Throwing rationality to the wind, Y/n gave in to her need to feel Hyunjin after so long apart, the problems of the future fading into the background as they both reveled in finding their other half. Reaching up to smooth her hands through his hair and scratch her nails along the back of his neck, she was thrilled to see it still drew goosebumps from him, his arms trembling as he fought the urge to settle on her fully. Her whispered words were as desperate as her eyes,

“I’ve been trapped in darkness for so long, the last memory of your eyes haunting me with a lifeless stare. You say you remember me, but please Hyunjin, help me know you.”

Hyunjin shuddered a breath as she drew him into a kiss again, his weight settling onto her as her legs slotted around his hips. Like two pieces of a puzzle, they fit as though carved from a single being, the growing heat in their kiss threatening to meld them together for eternity.

He slipped his tongue into her mouth when she gasped at the feeling of his hands sliding over her bare skin.

“I don’t remember my dreams usually,” his voice was hoarse now, thick with need as her own hands began to explore, “but I will forever remember dreaming of you like this.”

Y/n couldn’t help smiling giddily at him, feeling like she was in a dream herself, one that she decided she’d never want to wake from.

“Show me.” She pecked his lips once, twice, “Show me that you remember, what you dreamt of. Please, my Jin.”

Hyunjin groaned, dropping his head into the crook of her shoulder, letting his instincts take over and immediately finding her weak spot behind her jaw, her arms holding around his neck as she gripped the back of his shirt.

“Don’t worry, mi amor, I’ll show you.”

He steadily restarted his hands journey underneath her shirt, sliding it up with his fingers as they pressed familiar paths into her skin. She arched her back and lifted her arms as he removed it completely, leaning back onto his knees to admire her, reminiscent of how he’d gazed at her in the museum. Seeing her naked before him, it was as though no time had passed. Every one of her curves was made for his hands, Y/n shivering as his warm palms smoothed over her thighs and his long fingers traced her figure, reacquainting himself with her beauty.

“…you were a pretty statue, mi amor…but to see you like this now, I can guarantee no work of art would ever be able to replicate the masterpiece that you are in the flesh.”

Her heart hammered at his words, a pretty blush dusting her face as she hid behind her hands. Damn him, five hundreds years and he still has a silver tongue.

Hyunjin chuckled at her shyness, stripping himself equally naked before leaning up to gently pull her hands from her face. Settling on her again, he kissed the tip of her nose.

“Also good to see you’re still as shy as you are beautiful.”

Y/n whined at him, cheeks warmed by the sound of his laughter again. Pulling her into a soft kiss to distract her, he slid one hand to her chest, fondling her breast as he parted from her lips, beginning to trail his across her jaw and down her neck farther. He took his sweet time, truly showing her that he remembered everything about her body.

By the time Hyunjin had kissed and love-bit his way down to settle between her legs, Y/n was panting and running her hands over every part of him she could reach. From his position, he admired the subtle marks across her soft skin that showed his path, his eyes finally settling on her core, a shiver running through him now from excitement that only came from familiarity.

Within seconds of his eager mouth connecting with her clit, Y/n was convinced. He definitely remembered parts of their past, nothing else could explain the way he had her rocketing towards her high without any buildup. He knew exactly what to do and where to lick to drive her over the edge. A lack of any physical sensations in hundreds of years had Y/n entirely shaken as her orgasm hit her like a brick. She unintentionally clamped her legs around Hyunjin’s head, a groan of appreciation leaving him as he gripped her hips, willing to drown in her essence as she trembled against his face.

Hyunjin rubbed her thighs soothingly as she relaxed her legs, no longer suffocating him, but now entirely breathless herself. Wiping his mouth on the sheet, he climbed back over her, kissing her softly when she pursed her lips at him.

“My consensus…you absolutely have some of your memories.”

Hyunjin laughed at her dazed words, the bubbling in his chest making him feel like he could fly. They kissed again, deepening it more slowly this time, her hands trailing down his body now, hoping to learn if he felt the same beneath her fingers.

He gasped into her mouth this time as she wrapped her hand loosely around his hard cock, slipping it against her entrance before lining him up herself.

Hyunjin pulled back, something in him needing to see her as he bottomed out. Y/n’s eyes fluttered at the feeling of him stretching her again, a string of fate solidifying as their hips joined.

They lay still for a moment, basking in the knowledge that they were completed, finally whole again after the retched events that fate had planned for them.

Wrapping his arms around her securely, Hyunjin began moving slowly, letting her adjust but also savoring the feeling of her clenching around him. She looped her arms around his shoulders again, their foreheads resting against each other as his pace increased, her breathy gasps brushed across his lips.

Y/n felt tears brimming in her eyes again, the pleasure she’d only ever felt with Hyunjin overwhelming her. Her fingers dug into his skin, his lips meeting hers desperately as they fell into each other’s love. The sting of her nails pushed Hyunjin closer, feeling proof that she was alive, she was holding him so tightly as though she wished their bodies were one and the same.

The desperation in her hold and her kiss had Hyunjin angling his hips, increasing her pleasure, and his own, and wordlessly promising her that this was real. He pushed every promise into her kiss, the glide of his tongue along hers a testament to his loyalty to her, the precise movement of his hips repeatedly hitting her sweet spot acting as his vow to never leave her again.

Breaking the kiss for air, Y/n breathed a moan against his lips as she felt herself approaching her high again.

“Hyunjin~…my Jin, please I’m so close.”

“Let go, my muse, let me feel you give in to the pleasure I deprived you of for too long. I’m not going anywhere, I’ll be here for you again and again.”

Punctuating his words with deeper thrusts, Hyunjin slid his hand between their bodies, rubbing her clit perfectly as her back arched with a gasp. Her nails left small indents in his shoulders as her mind went white, a moaned sob leaving her as the most intense orgasm washed over her.

Hyunjin gasped as well, almost whining at the feeling of her clenching so tightly around him. Holding her against his chest, he buried his face into her neck as he followed her into his high, pressing himself as deep as he could go and again wishing they could meld into one.

The calm after their mutual storm was like a field bathed in sunlight after the rain. Y/n was more than content, her body melting from the aftershocks of her pleasure, the warmth of Hyunjin on top of her, and inside her, bringing her a deep sense of peace. As he lifted his head, she brushed her fingers through his hair with a soft smile, one that he mirrored as he took her hand, kissing her palm before he brushed the hair out of her face.

“My Jin…”, she whispered, “I’m so happy you found me.”

Accepting his fate happily, Hyunjin pressed a loving and lingering kiss against her smile, one that traveled through time to the happy life of a sculptor and her painter.

“I told you, mi amor, I love you…anywhere in forever, I will find you again.”

Always leave it to @petrichor-han to write the best angst out there, honestly! Play with your feelings from the right angles!

I loved how it wasn't the happy ending everybody wishes for cuz life doesn't always work out in the end! And that just makes it all the more exciting!

red desert | h.hj

PAIRING | hyunjin x afab!reader

CAST | hwang hyunjin, yoo jimin (karina), kim minjeong (winter), mentions of felix lee, uchinaga aeri (giselle), ning yizhuo (ningning)

WC | 10.2k

GENRE | angst, fwb, college!au

WARNINGS | explicit language, casual marijuana usage, alcohol consumption, sexual references & jokes

SYNOPSIS | inspired by the song “red desert” by 5SOS. // you won't admit that you're in love with hwang hyunjin, and he won't admit that he's in love with you either. instead, he asks you to accompany him on a trip into the desert, where everything comes to the surface in between grains of red sand and fractured sunlight.

A/N | this is aggressively american and also loosely based off of the camping trip that i went on with my fwb last october. let’s just say that a 6 hour car ride and three days in the desert with him solidified some things and we haven’t spoken since. (same note as the teaser)

request to be added to current and future taglists HERE!

MASTERLIST | RAIN’S PLAYLIST

The day that he asked you to go with him, his hair was red. You remember because he’d been blonde for so long that you couldn’t remember how he looked with his natural color. He was the type of person to dye it so often that his roots hardly ever showed any signs of growth, because he claimed that he hated when people let their dyed hair grow out, even though that was normal and quite frankly, what ninety-nine percent of the population with dyed hair tended to do.

You’d run your fingers through his split ends and dry blonde locks, telling him maybe he should give the bleach a rest. But he shook his head, shook off your hold, and firmly said that he liked how he looked blonde. Other people liked how he looked blonde.

You liked how he looked blonde.

And it was true—his hair was the reason he caught your eye when he walked into the room that night. His silvery locks caught the neon lights bouncing off the disco ball drilled into the ceiling and made you turn your attention away from the semi-hot, semi-lame guy you were chatting up, hoping to get laid after a particularly long dry spell. You’d excused yourself, shaking your empty red Solo cup in his face, making his eyes cross slightly as you yelled, “I need another drink!” over the loud music. You didn’t bother to wait around for a response, cutting through the crowd and feeling sticky skin and damp fabric clinging to you as you pushed past people to try and reach the boy with blonde hair.

He’d settled against the wall, right next to the kitchen so that people were constantly pushing past him and putting him in an awkward position. Clearly, this wasn’t really his scene. But as you gasped, nearly toppling over as you escaped the tightly knit crowd into the outskirts, you looked up and saw him passing a loosely wrapped joint to his friend, lithe fingers carefully handling the badly wrapped object, as if it could fall apart at any moment. And honestly, it looked like it could. He turned his attention to you as you straightened up, blowing a cloud of smoke to the side as he looked you up and down, one side of his mouth turning upwards. He seemed to like what he was seeing as you walked over and perched yourself on the wall right next to him. His friend seemed to feel the tension before either of you two did, and edged away, busying himself with another person that had escaped the crowd. 

“Is it always this busy here?” he asked you, shoving his hands into the pockets of his loose jeans. 

His voice. He had the most gorgeous voice you’d ever heard, and you practically melted into a puddle on the sticky, beer-covered floor. 

“I mean, free alcohol and hot guys? Who wouldn’t come here on a Saturday night?” you ask. You realize now that you’ve lost your cup somewhere, probably back in the crowd. Your throat is dry, and you wish you had a sip of something to take away your nervousness—you weren’t quite tipsy yet. 

“The guys at TKE are gross,” the guy said, wrinkling his nose. “Trust me. I used to be friends with some of them.” 

“All guys are gross,” you counter. 

“Fine. But take my word for it—the ones at TKE are especially gross.” 

“And how can I trust what you say?” Your words are accusatory, but your tone is flirty, and the guy picks up on it as you move closer to him, mostly to edge further away from the kitchen entrance as a pair of extremely drunk girls stumble towards the guy passing out drinks. 

“Maybe my name will provide some credibility?” he says, nudging his friend with the badly wrapped joint as he passes by, hand in hand with someone in leather pants. The friend rolls his eyes but hands him a cart, which the guy accepts and hits once before offering it to you. 

You start to decline, but the way he wiggles it enticingly makes you change your mind for some reason, and you mimic him, taking a big hit before handing it back to him, coughing a little as you turn your head and blow the smoke away. “Alright, so what’s your name?” you ask, eyes watering. You can already feel the high settling in as your eyes twitch a little—but it’s a comfortable high. You can tell it’s not too strong. 

“Hwang Hyunjin.” He sticks his hand out to you, and you smirk and shake it. 

“That name means nothing to me,” you admit. 

“Not yet.” 

And that’s how you end up breaking your three month streak of getting zero bitches—having the most mind blowing sex of your life in the back of Hwang Hyunjin’s bright red car in the middle of buttfuck nowhere. 

It’s not the first time, and it’s certainly not the last. You and Hyunjin, though you wouldn’t consider yourself friends—not really—are closer than most people would be comfortable with getting to their disposable orgasm machine. Which is a nice way of saying that you had a hopeless, dopey crush on your friend-with-benefits, and he seemed to be completely oblivious. 

Such obliviousness was worse than flat out rejection, in your mind. At least if he straight up told you to go fuck yourself, you wouldn’t feel bad about stalking his mom’s Facebook posts from 2013 to find pictures of a pimply, flat haired Hyunjin to save to your blackmail folder. Nor would you feel bad about downing endless cartons of ice cream while you put off showering for a week and a half. 

But this—this limbo that you two were seemingly stuck in? It’s agonizing. It’s fucking excruciating. You think you have a chance when he’s fucking you from behind, one hand clasped around your throat as he tells you “how fuckin’ beautiful” you look as you’re getting your cunt destroyed. But then you feel like a dirty whore when he gets up right after he finishes and starts checking his dating apps right in front of you. 

“Have some fucking self respect,” your friend said to you firmly, after you cried in her arms after one of these fuck-and-dumps happened. It was too much seeing him match with this gorgeous girl and slide into her DM’s with a really bad pick up line. If the jealousy because of this random girl’s beauty wasn’t enough, the corny shit he thought would get her in his bed did it for you. 

You throw back the covers, the sticky stale air hitting your naked skin. Hyunjin barely glances at you as you stand up and start pulling your clothes on roughly. He only notices when you’re tying your shoelaces and picking up your tote bag that you’re actually leaving. 

“Where are you going?” he asks lamely, blinking slowly at you. The stupid pothead had taken two long hits from the dirty orange bong sitting on his nightstand right after he came on your tits, and it was clearly getting to him. 

“Home,” you say, trying to keep your tone light. 

“Oh. Okay. See you later.” He turns his attention back to his phone, where you can see that the pretty girl has responded. You feel a tug in your chest as you gnaw on your bottom lip and turn on your heel to stomp out of his room. The aged wooden floors creaked and moaned beneath your harsh steps; you were sure that Felix, whose room was also in the basement, now lived in fear that the ceiling would collapse onto his head. 

“Bye, (Y/N),” one of his friends called as you rushed by. You feel your face warm with embarrassment; when did everyone get back? Hyunjin told you they were all out seeing some classically boring hetero male film in theaters, and would probably go bar hopping afterwards. Nope—all seven of his housemates were crowded into the cramped living room, watching a chick flick from 2004 where the attractive female main characters were at a nudist beach. You tried not to let your eyelid twitch at the incredible amount of male energy in the room. That, and the entire house just reeked of pot, more so than usual. 

You manage to mumble out a goodbye before slamming the front door behind you. You have to take a moment to breathe in the fresh air and recollect yourself, letting the pieces that Hyunjin metaphorically broke off of you find their way back home. You’re a strong person—you know that he can’t really hurt you, not really. Especially not when you agreed to something casual, nothing serious. Not now, not ever. 

It’s autumn, and campus is starting to look like it. You’re lucky enough to study somewhere with the most gorgeous scenery—it’s pretty year round, but when the leaves change colors in the fall, it’s impossible to look away. There’s a slight bite to the breeze that sweeps through you suddenly, blowing the few fallen crispy leaves across the sidewalk. They rasp and crinkle underneath your boots as you walk down the oddly steep stairs that leads to their front door, and you can feel your spirits lifting with each step you take away from his house. You barely even glance at the bright red car sitting in the driveway, amongst at least four others. 

You pull your sweater closer to your body as your teeth chatter. The wind had more of a slight bite now—there’s a full on chill that rattles you down to your bones. 

At least, you think, Jimin’s apartment isn’t too far from here. 

Jimin lives right off campus, a few streets down from Hyunjin and his roommates. Though you enjoy Jimin’s place a lot more, you can’t help but prefer the mornings when you wake up at Hyunjin’s, simply because the walk to class is so quick and easy—you can see the edge of campus from Seungmin’s bedroom window. 

As you walk up to her apartment and pound on the door with a tight fist, you can’t help but crack a smile at the corny wooden sign that’s hanging on it—it’s covered in chunky orange glitter and says “IT’S FALL, Y’ALL” in curly brown letters. You assumed that Aeri, one of Jimin’s roommates, bought it—mostly because you’d seen her post a picture of her autumnal shopping haul on her Instagram story. It was cute, in a specific kind of way. Only someone like Aeri could pull it off. 

Jimin opens the door quickly, and scans your slightly disheveled appearance. “You have to stop this,” she says immediately.

“Please. I could stop whenever I wanted to, but I simply don’t want to.” You nudge her aside and walk in, and she crosses her arms and scowls at you. She’s mad. Not because you waltzed in like you own the place—you were practically their fifth roommate—but because you kept letting yourself get hurt by this douchey guy, and she was left to pick up the pieces. As much as she loved you, your denial was driving her insane. 

“Don’t lie,” she snapped. 

You wince at her tone. “Rina…” you mumble, using a nickname. Her expression softens. She guides you to the couch, where her other roommate Minjeong is asleep on one end, only her feet sticking out from a plush green blanket. You know it’s her because you were there when she painted her toenails dark blue and spilled the rest of the bottle onto the beige carpet in Jimin’s room. It left a massive dark stain, but after shifting Jimin’s dresser a few inches over, you and Minjeong got away with it. Until they moved out at the end of the school year, at least. 

You sit down on the free side of the couch. The slight movement jostles Minjeong ever so slightly, and she snorts a little in her sleep before curling up in a ball underneath the blanket, pulling her feet back underneath. Now, the only sign of life was the gentle, slight rising and falling of her breathing. You couldn’t see her moving at all unless you looked very closely. 

Jimin re-enters the room, holding two steaming mugs in her delicate, pretty hands. She hands you one of the mugs before sitting down on the chair—the one next to the couch, that desperately needs to be thrown out—and sinks into it uncomfortably. Her knees are almost touching her chest because of how far down she slid. She watches you carefully until you take a sip, and you sigh contentedly—it’s mulled wine, with just a splash of cream. 

“What happened this time?” she asked, taking a sip of her own wine. You can hear the disappointment in her voice and it makes your insides squirm with guilt. 

“He was on Tinder again.”

“Oh?”

“Right after he came on my tits.”

“Oh.” 

Jimin sucks in a deep breath through her teeth, and you can tell it’s bad. Her gaze drops to your chest, though it’s covered by your sweater. 

“Stop,” you whine, placing your arms across your chest. Your wine almost sloshes over the ceramic rim of the pale blue mug. 

“I just feel bad,” she groans, putting her mug down on the coffee table and massaging her temples. “There’s nothing I can do, but you just feel like shit all the time.” 

“Not all the time!” you say, feeling defensive. 

Jimin stares you down. “Fine,” she sighs. “Not all the time. But anyways—you can’t keep doing this. I love you, and this is why I have to tell you: it’s getting pathetic.” 

“You think I don’t know that?” you snap. You slam your mug down. Dark red splashes over the edge and onto the slightly dusty surface of the table. Jimin’s gaze snaps to the mess, her eyes flashing. 

You burst into tears. 

“I know, I know it’s stupid. I know he’s stupid. I know I shouldn’t be crying about him, and I know that it’s getting on your nerves.” You sniffle loudly. “I think it’s time. I can’t keep doing this.” 

You feel a small but comforting hand on your shoulder. You look over, and find that Minjeong has awoken. Her eyes are slightly puffy, and her short black hair is mussed. But she retains her beauty, her cute features blurred only slightly by grogginess. “Good for you,” she says before yawning widely, “he’s an asshole.”

“He is an asshole,” Jimin says sorely. But she nudges you a little so she can sit on your other side. She puts a comforting arm around you. “We’re here for you.” 

You start to cry again. 

---

Your phone is ringing. 

Bright blue light fills the small dark room, and your eyes snap open immediately. You cover the screen with your hands, looking around wildly to make sure it didn’t wake up anyone else. It’s to no avail; the room is pitch black and you can’t see shit. But you can hear Minjeong’s little snuffly snores, Jimin shifting around in her silk pajamas, Aeri letting out a little groan, and Yizhou smacking her lips all in different corners of the room.

You yawn silently, stretching your arms above your head and picking up your phone in one hand, walking over and opening the door with the other. The short hallway is dark and the floors are creaky and cold on your bare feet. When you reach the main room, you finally lift up your phone, which hasn’t stopped vibrating this entire time. Your heart stops for a moment when you realize who’s calling you. 

Hwang Hyunjin. 

The name glows in bright white letters on your phone screen. His generic, blank contact photo—you refused to put a real picture of him there—glares at you. You gnaw on your thumb nail nervously but ultimately decide to pick up. 

“Hello?” Your voice is cold and thin in the thick black darkness of night. You walk over to the window, and push aside the curtain. The silky material washes over your fingers, cooling their clammy surface. 

“Hey. I’m outside.” Hyunjin’s voice is rich and thick in contrast. It’s sort of raspy, like he just woke up. Then it registers—he’s outside? 

“What do you mean?” Your mouth is dry.

“I’m outside your apartment. Can you come out?” 

“I’m not there right now.” Your heart is pounding in your chest. You can only imagine what your roommates would think of some guy waiting outside for you. Luckily, they were both out of town at the moment. You hoped no one else saw or recognized him, but who were you kidding—he wasn’t fooling anyone with that damn bright red car. 

“Oh.” There’s a brief silence. “Where are you, then?” 

“Um, I'm over at a friend’s place. Jimin’s. Yoo Jimin.” 

Why did you give him her full name? You didn’t know. 

“Oh, yeah. I think I know her. What’s the address? I can be there soon.” 

You bite down too hard on your nail and taste blood, from where you ripped it from the skin. “What? Why? Why are you—why are you looking for me right now?” 

Again, there’s a brief silence before he replies. “I’m… leaving for a little bit. I’m going camping, and I was wondering if you would come with me.” 

You stare blankly out at the clear night sky. “Are you serious right now?” you ask, chuckling in disbelief. 

“Yeah, of course I’m serious.” 

“You realize how sketchy this sounds, right?” 

“Don’t you trust me?” he drawls, sounding defensive. “If you don’t tell me where you are, I can’t come pick you up. And I will be forced to knock on every door in your building until someone can tell me this Jimin’s address.” 

“Do not do that,” you hiss, “I’ll give it to you, just… give me a second. I’ll text it to you.” 

“See you soon,” he managed to get in before you pressed the red END CALL button roughly. You quickly type in Jimin’s address, your clammy fingers sliding all over your slippery phone screen. You then sneak back into Jimin’s room, where you keep at least half of your wardrobe and a few spare self care items. For the amount of time you spent there, it would be weird if you didn’t keep some of your personal items there. Using your phone to light up the room, you stuff a few clothing items into a spare backpack and toss in a few other miscellaneous items. Camping, he’d said? He better have extra gear for you, or else he can count on dropping you off at your place. 

Your phone lights up again just as you close the door to Jimin’s bedroom. It’s just one word: Here. 

You quickly type out a text to Jimin, telling her the truth even though you knew you’d get your ass beat when you got back. It ends with you promising that this is the last time, that this is the closure you need. It’s half bullshit, half what you truly believe, and you just hope that she doesn’t see through it completely. You sigh, and exit the apartment. 

You’re still dressed in your pajamas, an old t-shirt and sweats. Your previous outfit from the day is somewhere at the bottom of your bag. The night air is crisp and cold, and you can see your breath in the air when you exhale. Your fingers are starting to slow due to the cold as they grip the handles of your backpack. 

As soon as you round the corner, you can see Hyunjin’s car. The engine is roaring, loud. Exhaust clouds around the car, pale white in the cold. He sees you as soon as you see him and rolls down his window, a wide grin on his stupidly handsome face. And his hair is red. Bright crimson, the color of something sweet and artificial. 

You can’t hide the shock on your face as you walk over, cupping a hand over your mouth. “Your hair!” you exclaim softly. You reach his window, and he lets you touch his silky scarlet locks. 

“What do you think?” he asks smugly. 

“It’s different. Looks nice,” you say honestly. You walk over to the other side of the car and toss your backpack in the back before settling into the passenger seat. The heated seats are nice on your chilled skin, and you hold your numb hands up to the warm heat that’s blowing from the vents. Hyunjin reaches over, his big hand gripping your cold thigh through your thick sweats. He squeezes the flesh there. 

“Missed you,” he admitted. He keeps his eyes on the road. 

“Did you now?” you ask, staring at the neon green number on the dashboard. It reads 4:47 AM, blinking in the darkness. 

“I did!” he insists, “that’s why I’m here now.” 

“What is this?” you blurt out. 

You watch the muscles in his jaw tense as he clenches. His skin looks green from the light of the glowing numbers. “It’s a camping trip,” he says thickly, nodding to the equipment stuffed in the backseat. At least that answers your question of whether or not he brought stuff for you. 

“You know that’s not what I mean.” You sound firm, sure of yourself. A lot surer than you actually are.

Hyunjin has stopped smiling completely. “Can we not talk about this now?” 

“Then when? I’ve waited months. I’ve tried to bring it up. And all you do is dodge it and change the subject. If you don’t answer me right now, I’m jumping out of this car.” You’re yelling, your voice filling the expanse of the vehicle. 

He slams on the brakes, then takes a deep breath and properly pulls over. He turns off the car, and the two of you are left in darkness. The only thing you can hear is your own blood pumping through your ears; the sharp nervousness and reality of what you just said sinking in. Finally, he lets out a short breath, an attempt at a laugh. “I don’t know. It’s what we said it was when we met. Isn’t it?” His voice is low, and you’re unable to decipher any feeling in it. 

“Well, yeah…” you trail off. Your voice sounds small and pathetic. Your request only sounds more pathetic. 

“Then that’s what it still is,” he says carefully, “nothing serious.” 

“Of course,” you say quickly. There’s so much more you wanted to say—you wanted to slap him in the face for even daring to say that, for shutting you down and playing stupid. Is it a little over dramatic? Maybe, but you can feel your anger bubbling in your stomach, salty tears burning the rims of your eyes. For once, you’re thankful for the cover of night. 

That’s when the sun starts to rise. When Hyunjin starts the car again after you both refuse to break the silence, the sound of the engine starting up does the job for you. It roars to life, tiny neon lights flashing in your face as he pulls back onto the road and continues the drive. You know he knows—he isn’t an idiot. If he didn’t know before, he knows now that you’re hoping for something more from him. He knows that you want him in a different way now, that obviously other things in your relationship have changed which led to your feelings changing. 

Warmth finally breaches the seemingly eternal darkness of night. Black turns to dark blue, which turns greenish at the horizon with the arrival of the sun, which exudes warm rays of orange and yellow and pink, expanding as the sun reclaims its spot in the sky. You watch silently as your surroundings start to appear before your eyes; other cars on the road in all different muted colors, a stark contrast to the colorful wildflowers that are growing by the side of the road. uncontained and free. Fluorescent signs are staked into the ground every so often, telling you that there’s construction ahead or that you need to slow down. You peer out the window at the car next to you; a couple sits in the front, laughing together at some presumed inside joke. You’re jealous, watching their mouths move in unison. Are they singing the same song? Their song? 

At the next stoplight, Hyunjin quickly picks up his phone, scrolling through it while trying to keep an eye on the lights. 

“I’ll tell you when it changes, just hurry up,” you say, nervous as you watch him do exactly what you shouldn’t do when you’re behind the wheel. 

He shoots you a withering look but finds what he’s looking for. The catchy constant of his playlist cuts suddenly, and you hear a song you love playing over the speakers. He turns it up just a little so that the lyrics are clearer, and he tries to watch your reaction—subtly, or so he thinks. You can’t help the warmth that blooms across your face, the surprise at his tenderness. He remembers, you think, that I showed him this song all those months ago. 

The gentle voice of the singer warbles in your ears as you sigh happily, leaning back into your seat and drifting off into a calm sleep, visions of plentiful wildflowers and red haired princes filling your dreams. 

---

It’s not like you’re asleep the whole time—you wake up when he stops at a gas station, about halfway there. You come to when the car slows to a stop; you open your eyes to see Hyunjin getting out of the car and squinting at the gas prices in disbelief. He had noticed you stirring and grins at you, somewhat sheepishly. 

“If you need to use the bathroom or something, now’s the time.” He pulls out his phone, looking at a colorful map, and points out the long, winding road ahead. “We won’t hit another stop until we get there.” 

You stifle a yawn and rub your eyes, nodding. It’s warmer here—you’re further south, and the sun is high in the sky. You guess that it’s a bit after noon, and when you check your phone that only confirms it. 

The lights inside the gas station are just as harsh and white as they are at midnight. One of the long, exposed bulbs flickers at the far end, near the ice cream that’s probably expired. You’ve never really disliked gas stations—really, you just never thought about it—but now, as you stare at the hostile face of the cashier, their beady eyes watching your every move, as if they suspected you already, you want to get out of there as soon as possible. 

The bathroom is somehow worse. There’s a singular shred of toilet paper left on the barren brown roll, and there’s no replacement in sight. There’s stains everywhere, both fresh and old, which makes you wonder about the last time it was properly cleaned. You leave as quickly as possible, scrubbing your hands roughly with the nameless neon pink hand soap and trying to kick the door open with your foot—the handle is crusty, and you don’t want to touch it. 

The cashier is still watching you when you walk out, and they continue to eye you as you try to ignore the stare and pick up a bag of pretzels. You pay, avoiding eye contact, and speed walk out of the doors. 

It’s actually hot outside now, even though it’s well into autumn. You’re grateful that you kept your t-shirt on and denied when Hyunjin offered you one of his hoodies. Your forehead already feels damp, and you dab at it with a hand as you walk back towards the red car. 

Hyunjin stands beside it, watching his tank fill up and bopping his head to music. He’s put his own playlist back on now, much to your disappointment, but you weren’t about to let him know that. He notices you as soon as you walk up beside the car and get back into the passenger seat, leaning back and opening your bag of pretzels. 

“You really trust any of the food from that gas station?” he asks. His voice is muffled, so you roll down the window and shrug in response. He leans over, and opens his mouth, wordlessly asking for one. 

“Hypocrite,” you mumble, but you shove one in his mouth anyways. He catches it with his perfect pearly teeth, and gives you a toothy smile, showing it off. 

“Thanks,” he says around the dry mouthful. The crumbs that sprayed from his mouth as he spoke probably should have turned you off, but you only found it endearing—another piece of evidence that suggested you were hopelessly pining for this man. 

Finally, he himself gets back in the car and you’re back on the road. Some might call you cynical, but you think you can only appreciate the scenery for so long, and it doesn't take you long to fall asleep again. The constant movement of the vehicle puts you to sleep easily, and the several late nights you’d been pulling because of looming midterms only added to it. It’s only when you feel yourself lurch to the side heavily that your eyes snap open, but you feel safe and secure. A strong arm pins you to your seat, and when you look down at it you realize that you’ve also been covered with a hoodie, draped over your front like a blanket. It’s dark green, and it smells strongly of Hyunjin’s cologne. “Sorry,” he says, and you turn to look at him, confused, as he takes his arm off of you. “Some idiot cut in front of me and I swerved a little. We’re almost there though, so it’s good that you’re awake now.” 

“Thanks,” you say shortly, your mind still fuzzy from sleep and the two kind gestures. 

You watch as the winding road ahead slowly turns to a dirt path, pebbles getting caught in the tires as Hyunjin grimaces and tries to steady his precious car. He pulls off of the path when you reach a small clearing, only a few trees and dry bushes to cover you. You stiffen, looking around for some sort of bathroom—really, any building—but to no avail. “Where are we?” you ask nervously, “this feels like the plot of a horror movie.” 

“I come here a lot with my friends, it’s a really nice campsite,” he says, almost defensively. “And I wouldn’t murder you. If I wanted to, I would have a long time ago.” 

“Yeah, because that’s reassuring,” you mutter, to which he casts a withering look at you in response. “Just saying…” you say under your breath, though you’re fairly sure he hears you regardless. 

He parks the car, but not before giving you another sour look as he gets out and starts unloading the camping supplies from the back of his car. You help, but soon wander off in search of something more interesting. You leave him to struggle alone with the new tent he’d bought—apparently, it didn’t come with directions, and he didn’t take it nicely when you suggested that he’d probably just misplaced them. You can still hear him cursing as he struggles with the poles as you walk over a small hill and peer at all of the desert flora and fauna. Upon first glance, the landscape is literally a barren desert—there’s nothing but sand and a few scrappy plants amongst the rocky, pebbly terrain. But as you crouch down to stare at a singular crispy looking bush, you see some light green buds on the branches, and the beginnings of perhaps some blossoms. Small insects crawl over the new life, seemingly anticipating its arrival. Momentarily, you think of the possibility of larger, more dangerous wildlife, but you brush that thought away as you admire a massive brown cricket leap out of your way. 

“Thanks for all the help,” a sarcastic voice calls from behind you. You stand up, emerging from the squatting position you’d been in, and chuckle at Hyunjin as he approaches you, bare feet sinking into the warm sand. 

“It seemed like you had it under control,” is your cool reply while you shift around awkwardly, trying to ignore the heaps of sand pouring into your sneakers. His gaze drops to your covered feet, and now it’s his turn to chuckle. 

“It’s a lot easier if you just take off your shoes,” he says matter-of-factly, and you bite your tongue to avoid mocking his tone, trying to bend down to reach your shoelaces without falling onto your face. 

Wordlessly, he walks over and kneels in the sand to do it for you, making you feel guilty for being bitchy again. He slips them off your feet, and you peel off your socks as well, feeling immediate relief as your skin touches the sand. Hyunjin dumps out your shoes, the sheer amount of sand in them making you both giggle. “Isn’t that better?” he asks triumphantly, waiting for praise, and you shrug, trying to hide your smile from him. He notices this and walks over, grabbing your waist and kissing you until you break into a grin and you’re laughing aloud, pulling away so you don’t literally laugh into his mouth. “You’re so cute,” he sighs, pulling you into his side and ruffling your hair. You appreciate this much less—it makes you feel like a child. So you squirm out of his grasp and take a few steps away, in the direction of his car. 

“Did you finish setting everything up?” you ask, clearing your throat before to at least attempt to provide a conversational transition between his compliments and your question. 

He seems a little offended that you pulled away so fast, but his facial expression remains unchanged; he isn’t going to let you know that it bothered him. Is it even within his rights to get annoyed at that? That’s more boyfriend status, he thinks, and then he opens his mouth to reply. “Only the tent, everything else is still just in a pile right next to it.” 

“I’ll help now,” you say with false brightness, speeding off in that direction. You clutch your shoes and socks in one hand, the other clenched into a fist. You can hear his footsteps a short distance behind you, but you don’t stop to wait for him. You don’t stop until you’ve reached the campsite again and you see exactly what he was talking about, with all of the bags haphazardly piled right beside it. “You didn’t lie,” you say, scanning the equipment. 

“Why would I?” he counters, but playfully. 

Slowly, the two of you unpack the necessary things, rolling out your sleeping bags, organizing toiletries and taking out hiking equipment—to which you firmly denied going on a hike in the damn desert. Hyunjin pouted, but brushed it off by saying that he liked hiking alone best anyways, and that you could have fun at the boiling hot campsite by yourself while he explored trails deeper into the site. Keeping up your act, you tell him to have fun, and leave it at that. Surprisingly, you don’t notice the way his face falls slightly as he realizes that you really don’t mind not spending time with him. 

The late afternoon sun is blazing, unbearably hot. You retreat to the tent, which provides little to no comfort—there were no trees around to set it up in the shade, and Hyunjin insisted that you weren’t supposed to pitch a tent underneath trees anyways. Especially here, he said seriously as he smoothed out his sleeping bag, the branches are all so dry that they could fall on our heads any time. You fought the urge to say that you’d prefer a crispy branch falling on the tent over sweating your skin off in the direct sunlight. 

A bead of sweat rolls down the back of your neck. You can feel the hairs that gather at the nape of your neck and how they’re plastered to your skin from the damp heat. You pat the area gingerly with your hand, feeling it come away wet. Your phone is charging, but you’re trying to stay off it to preserve the battery life on your portable charger. Instead of scrolling endlessly through random apps and social media, you’re grumpily sitting on top of your sleeping bag with your legs criss-crossed, slowly chewing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Luckily, Hyunjin had brought a lot of food—more than enough to sustain you for the duration of the trip. It shouldn’t be that long anyways; you both have to be back on campus by the time the weekend is over. 

“The sun’s setting now, so it should be cooling down soon. Might want to get that hoodie back out,” Hyunjin says, entering the tent. He nods towards the hoodie that he’d draped over you in the car earlier, and you chuckle. 

“I’ll put it on if I need it. It’s way too hot to be wearing pretty much anything right now,” you say, trying to fan your moist face with your hand, both of which are sticky with jelly. 

Hyunjin touches the back of his neck too, pushing up the small low ponytail that he’d gathered his bright red hair into. You can see that the dye is so fresh that it’s bleeding into his sweat, leaving scarlet rivulets across his skin that look like scars. “Sorry I didn’t warn you about the temperatures out here. It’s kind of crazy sometimes,” he says softly. 

You shrug, finishing your sandwich and flopping onto your back, which you regret a little; the slick thermal cover of the sleeping bag sticks to your skin immediately upon contact, and the entire surface is warm. Hyunjin mirrors your actions, falling back on his own matching sleeping bag. “That was some hard work we did,” he says, with an approving tone. “For someone who’s never gone camping before, you didn’t do too bad with the tent and everything.”

“Thanks,” you say, somewhat dryly, but only because you don’t know what else to say. A slightly uncomfortable silence ensues, before Hyunjin clears his throat again to speak again. 

“Are you okay?” he asks. 

You turn your head to look at him, the movement creating a swishing noise against the sleeping bag. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, you’ve just been acting kind of weird recently. Especially today,” he admits, doing the same and turning to face you. He props his head up with his hand, his elbow sinking deep into the plush sleeping bag from the weight. 

It’s hard to swallow the last bite of your sandwich, because of both the thick peanut butter and your suddenly dry throat. “Well…” you trail off. For a moment you think you want to be honest with him, because truthfully, he’s a good guy—sure, he has his moments, but he never really intends to hurt you with his actions. He isn’t obligated to coddle you. 

“You can tell me anything, you know that… right?” he asks. “Like—I’m here for you, even if we’re not…” 

This time, he’s the one to trail off, but he doesn’t avert his gaze. You feel it on you as you stare down at your hands, fiddling with your fingers nervously. “That’s the issue,” you blurt out, “we’re… not.” 

“Not?”

“You know what I mean.” You’re embarrassed, so you turn away from Hyunjin so you don’t have to look at him or cringe at the shocked expression spread across his handsome features. 

“You—you want to be…” 

“I mean… yeah. Not at first, but now… I guess I feel differently.” Your voice grows softer. 

“Since when?” 

“Sort of recently. Maybe a month ago.” 

He says your name with such gentleness, such care, that you feel your eyes starting to water. “If I knew… I wouldn’t have been so…” 

“Such an asshole?” you ask scornfully. You can’t help it. This was why you didn’t want to ever have this conversation with him. You knew that there was resentment, even though he didn’t really do anything wrong. You knew that by bringing this up, you’d be breaking down your own walls that you put around the feelings you had for him, locked away deep deep down. 

He exhales loudly, clearly not pleased. “Well, I don’t know if I’d say that.” 

You don’t reply, because you know that if you do your voice will break, and then he’d say something about you crying. Something nice, probably—he’d want to comfort you, which makes everything worse. You wished that instead, he’d laugh in your face or say something douchey, just to give you a reason to hate him and get over it already. Quickly, you wipe away a tear that’s threatening to spill from your eye, and you get up and leave the tent. 

You have nothing with you: no shoes, no hoodie, no water or food. The remnants of the peanut butter taste in your mouth turns sour and dry as you take deep gulps of air, sprinting away from the tent. You run further than you did when you were exploring, faster than you’ve moved in years. You stumble a few times, your cheeks flushing with embarrassment every time the sand trips you up, but eventually you think you get far enough away from Hyunjin that he can’t see you any more. You come to a stop when you reach the only somewhat memorable landmark you’ve passed on your run—a medium sized rock that has been flattened at the top to create a seat out of the natural material. Panting, you sit down on it, the hot surface crackling across your skin. It’s not hot enough to burn you, but it’s hot enough to be slightly uncomfortable. Yet, you stay there, hands gripping your itchy thighs, which burn from the rock and from the exercise, as you try not to choke on your own breathing. 

Wiping the sweat from your eyes, you feel a sudden chill in the air that makes goosebumps rise on your arms. You look around to see the sun starting to sink below the horizon; you have the perfect view across the long, flat landscape. The campsite seemed to be in a sort of valley; a lower part of the ground that did not allow you to see across the land. 

It would be dark soon, and you were in the middle of nowhere with nothing. 

“Why couldn’t we have had this talk when it was still warm out?” you muttered aloud, angrily. You wrap your arms around yourself, starting to shiver as the warmth disappears along with the sun. There’s a cool bluish cast on everything now; the sand looks gray and the rock looks black, in contrast to the constant reddish warmth that the desert had embraced during the day. You again wonder if there’s any dangerous wildlife here, and curse yourself for pulling such a stupid move. You curse at yourself for a lot of things—the main one being that you actually came here with him and expected everything to be fine. 

Perhaps that isn’t true though: but isn’t that worse? 

Deep down, even though you’d never admit it, you came on this trip because a small part of you still yearns for his love. You don’t like to change the way you act for a guy; that’s lame and pathetic. But that small part that disagrees seems to have more power over you than you previously thought. You came here because you thought that there was a chance, no matter how small, to get him to love you. Maybe, he would realize just how beautiful you were in the orange light of a sunset. Maybe, doing things that he enjoyed would make him relate to you. Maybe, you would be able to impress him with some secret hidden skill that even you didn’t know about until you showed it off for him. 

You have no tears left, only anger at yourself for being such an idiot, as you pull your legs closer to your body and stare into the darkness of the night. 

You couldn’t have been there long, but you can’t be sure when Hyunjin finds you. By that time, you’d run through a million possible things to say to him when you saw him again, but you end up saying none of them. He too is silent, and the only thing he does when he sees you is hand you the same green hoodie, which you take without hesitation. You’re too cold to give a damn about your dignity any more. 

The walk back is silent. Your toes are freezing, because the sand is completely cold now that the sun isn’t there to warm it. You shuffle behind Hyunjin, who takes wide, reaching strides with his long legs that easily eat up the desert terrain beneath him. He looks beautiful in the moonlight, as he always did, and you think of the first night you met him at that party, when the very same thing captivated your attention and refused to let go. The only difference now is the red—his hair, still burning and bright in the darkness, rather than the silvery blonde that made you do a double take. It’s no less mesmerizing though, to see it bob and sway as he walks, leading you silently back to safety. 

“This is why,” he says, his voice shaking. The raspiness breaks the quiet, disrupts the still air.

“Why…?” 

He stops suddenly, and you almost crash into his back. He turns to face you, his brow furrowed, his lips pressed into a tight, small line. He says your name again, tenderly as always. “This is why we’re stuck like this.” 

The campsite is in view, and your gaze drifts from his pained face to the lonely, singular tent that’s sitting in the sand. “Because I’m a fucked up person?” you ask bitterly, knowing damn well that isn’t what he meant. 

He just shakes his head. “That’s not what I said.” 

“But it’s what you mean, isn’t it?” 

“(Y/N)...” 

Dawn breaks, warmth spilling back over the hills and valleys, turning the sand a bright orange. You watch as the light washes over Hyunjin’s tall frame, a mile long shadow being cast by his lanky body. Neither of you says another word, and then he just shakes his head again, scoffing so quietly you can barely hear it, and turns to walk back to the tent. He doesn’t look back, and then ducks inside. The rustling sounds stop, and you’re left standing there alone, clad in the dark green hoodie, when your tears finally overflow. 

---

Men. 

You want to blame Hyunjin. You always want to blame him, because honestly, it is partially his fault, just as much as it is yours. Once, Jimin had muttered something about men always being disappointing, especially men around Hyunjin’s age. His personality and looks didn’t help either; he knew that he was attractive and desired, and he took advantage of it. That’s the worst part about pretty men, you thought, their own fucking self-awareness. 

Or maybe that’s not the right term, because there’s a lot of shit about him that he was just blind to. He never understood why you got mad when he said something insensitive, thinking that he was just being honest and communicating. His naturally flirty personality attracted a lot of people, who he messed with for fun instead of taking it seriously. Here, you were torn: you genuinely could not tell if you were just another body to him, or if he actually cared about you and thought you different from all the other losers that he’d mess around with. 

You feel nothing but guilt when Jimin pulls up to the campsite, an unreadable expression on her pretty face. She stares you down as you pick up your bag and trudge over to her car, your furrowed brow and frown a clear indication of your emotions, the complete opposite of her. She doesn’t help you into the car, instead staring straight ahead and gripping the steering wheel so tight her knuckles are pale and bloodless. 

You’re about to shut the door when Hyunjin peeks out of the tent and notices that you’re leaving. He gnaws on his plush bottom lip for a moment, as if he is pondering whether or not to do what he thinks he should, and then he stumbles out of the unzipped flap and walks over to you. His nose is scrunched up, his eyes narrowed a little from the effort. “Are you leaving right now?” he asks, somewhat stupidly. 

“Obviously,” Jimin spits, venom lacing her words. 

Hyunjin looks surprised at her hostility, and his gaze flickers between you and her for a moment as you avoid eye contact with both of them. 

“Can I say something to you before you go?” he asks. His voice sounds unnaturally rough, like he’s struggling to speak. 

Jimin looks at you, and you realize that she’s letting you decide for yourself. 

You stare up at Hyunjin, at his gorgeous face that looks almost hopeful as you stare into his deep brown eyes. 

“No.”

“N-No?” he repeats, stumbling over the first syllable, pathetically—a first for him, straying from his usual graceful, cool tone. 

“You heard her,” Jimin snaps, and she reaches over you, snatching the door handle and slamming it shut in his face. He looks appalled, shocked, as you drive away. The wheels on her car spin in the dirt before they finally get a grip, and she pulls away from the campsite, away from the lone brightly colored tent in the beige landscape, away from Hyunjin and all of his unspoken emotions. 

“I’m sorry, Rina,” you say immediately, looking down at your hands shamefully. “I should have known better.” 

“What happened?” she asked, “What did he do to you?” 

“He didn’t do anything. Honestly, that’s kind of the problem,” you say, scoffing at the end at your own foolishness. 

Jimin presses her lips together until there’s nothing left but a thin pink line, showing her exasperation with you. “Well, let’s hope he doesn’t ever get to do anything to you,” she says, stepping on the gas as her car finally touches the smooth paved road again, escaping the rugged, bumpy terrain of the dirt pathway you’d been traveling on thus far. 

“One can only hope,” you mumble, just a little sarcastically. 

Jimin cracks a smile, and you feel your guilt melt away as she covers your hand with her own, a small gesture of comfort. You sigh aloud, and wonder why you bothered to get yourself into such an emotional situation in the first place. You were done being a doormat, done being the other woman, and done with Hyunjin. 

---

Fuzzy socks, a mug of rose (chilled, but you felt as if you looked fancier and more seasonally appropriate drinking it out of your cute hand painted mug), and a Halloween movie marathon on your laptop. That was the medication that Dr. Jimin had prescribed when she dropped you back off at your place. She didn’t say anything about the long drive there and back and how you really just wasted away half of her weekend, and she gave your cold hand a last comforting squeeze before she left. You didn’t realize how much you didn’t want to be alone until her car disappeared around the corner, and you realized just how quiet your apartment was. All of your housemates had gone out for the weekend, with one of them away visiting family and the other at their partner’s, and the silence seems to sting your skin as you walk around mindlessly for a few minutes. 

You toss your backpack onto the floor of your bedroom, not even wanting to think about unpacking it even though there’s hardly anything in there. You peel off your clothes, watching stray grains of reddish orange sand spill onto the hardwood below. A trail of clothing items leads from your bedroom and to the bathroom, where you sit down on the floor of your shower and let the hot water run over your skin until steam rises off of it and it’s fevered to the touch. Only then do you bother to wash yourself, scrubbing away the last day with Hyunjin, peeling away his touch little by little. 

You don’t feel raw when you step out of the shower, like you probably should. Your skin is irritated from the temperature and the friction, and you wrap yourself in a clean towel and trudge to your room, ignoring the puddles joining the trail of clothes on the floor. 

You follow Dr. Jimin’s prescription, getting reluctantly dressed in clean and comfortable clothing and turning on a movie marathon. You pour yourself a full mug of wine, the pink alcohol slopping over the rim of the ceramic container. Though you wince at the mistake, you don’t bother to clean it up. You make a mental note to clean before the weekend is over, so that your housemates don’t return to a dumpster fire in the apartment. 

You lay down on the couch, your warm laptop acting as a heat source on your stomach. You’re facing the one big window in the entire apartment, and the curtains are parted, allowing you to see outside. It’s raining heavily, with fat droplets slapping against the glass almost angrily, mirroring the emotions you’d been feeling lately. Everything is gray, the once bright autumnal foliage now dampened and soggy as the season begins to transition into the next. This is the worst part of autumn in your opinion: the decay that comes after the bright happiness. It’s so fleeting, but so beautiful that you can’t help but stick around even though you know nothing but desolation awaits you once the flame dies. You laugh to yourself at your dramatic nature, comparing the changing seasons to your relationship with Hyunjin. It’s almost cathartic to be so wholly passionate and silly about it all, to let yourself feel all of your emotions at once and not worry about what people will think. The movie playing on your laptop drones out the steady pattering of raindrops against the window as you chug your wine, beginning to feel fuzzy as you drink more and more. 

You’re not drunk enough to hallucinate—you know that for damn sure. Does alcohol even do that? You’re not sure but you think you’ve been blackout drunk enough to get there, if it was a real thing. Then you realize that it’s real—he’s real. Through the blurred window, you can see a bright red car parking in front of your building, and an individual with the same lanky frame as Hyunjin stepping out of it. His hood is pulled up over his head to keep out the cold rain, so you can’t be completely sure, but you’re pretty positive that no one else you know drives a car like that. So really, who else could it be?

You have to pretend like you weren’t secretly hoping this would happen as you walk over to the door, expecting him to knock at any moment. Sure enough, a sharp knocking reaches your ears, and you unlock and open the door immediately, staring directly into Hyunjin’s eyes. You glance upwards ever so slightly and see the dark black bangs hanging in his face—his hair has been cut and dyed. 

“What?” you ask dryly, the implications finally getting through your muddled mind. Simultaneously, you try to ignore the new changes to his hair. You wonder what Jimin would do if she knew he came to your door. Probably beat his ass, which at the moment you thought was quite deserved. 

“I do like you,” he says hastily, the statement escaping his lips plosively and suddenly. You watch a raindrop slide down the tall bridge of his nose and fall. His damp, short bangs peek out from beneath the hood of his gray sweatshirt. The entire garment is spotted with rain. 

“Okay…” you say, feeling your heart catch in your throat. You try to sound nonchalant, ignoring the pounding in your chest and the way your head starts spinning. 

He ignores your response, continuing in a desperate voice. “I do like you,” he says hastily, “but I don’t think I can be in a relationship right now.” 

“You came all this way in the rain to tell me that you don’t want to date me?” you ask, raising your eyebrows at him. 

“No!” he protests, and you step aside to gesture to him, letting him inside. He shivers in his damp clothes, and you roll your eyes as you toss him a throw blanket that was laying around. It definitely isn’t yours, and you add “laundry” to your checklist of chores to complete before your housemates come back. He wraps himself up in it, fuzzy pink fluff surrounding his face, which is wetly streaked with raindrops. “That’s not what I was saying.” 

“So you do want to date me?” you ask bluntly, picking up your mug and taking another massive gulp. He eyes the nearly empty bottle of wine sitting on your coffee table. 

“Are you drunk right now?” he asks. “Where did you get this from?” 

You wave him away. “Someone left it here after a house party a little bit ago, we needed to use it up so here I am being resourceful and eco-friendly.”

“That’s not what that means,” he says, cracking a small, crooked smile. 

“Whatever!” you say, rolling your eyes yet again. “What did you have to say to me?” 

“You’re honest when you’re drunk. And sassy,” he comments. 

“That’s what you have to say?” 

“Give me a minute!” He huffs, sitting down uninvited on the edge of the couch. “Listen, I do really like you, but I’m really busy and it wouldn’t be fair to you if we were in a weird half-relationship just because I don’t have time.” 

“And is that all that different from what we do now?” you ask crossly. “Only you have zero commitment right now, and you’d maybe have like… fifty percent commitment if we did that.” 

“You’re drunk,” he states, as if it weren’t obvious as well as previously established, multiple times.  

“And you’re an asshole.” 

He stops, the playfulness completely gone from the banter. 

“That’s a bullshit excuse and you know it,” you say slowly, “I’m not mad any more, I’m just saying. And what I’m saying is that that’s the exact bullshit guys say to you when they don’t actually want to date you, but want to fuck you.” 

Hyunjin blinks slowly at you, in disbelief. “You really think I’d do that to you?” 

“Why not me? I’ve seen you do it to so many people—even when I’m out with you. You think that messing around with all these people has no effect, that everyone can just brush it off like you do. But not everyone’s an asshole like you are.” 

“Stop calling me that.” His voice sounds small, wounded even. 

“Stop being one, then.” Your voice is cold, but pain creeps through the cracks and shows your true emotions. You’re tipsy and you’re crying in front of him, and you’ve never felt more pathetic. 

“I’m sorry, I really am,” he says softly. “I should have been honest with you from the start.” 

“You had a lot of chances to do that,” you reply. 

“So did you,” he reminds you—not out of malice, but out of honesty. 

“Yeah. I wasn’t perfect either,” you admit, though your ego takes a bruising from that single statement. 

“People aren’t meant to be perfect…” Hyunjin says, trailing off at the end, like there was something else he wanted to say. You wait for it, studying him as he picks at the fuzzy corner of the blanket. “So can’t we forgive each other and try?” 

“Try what?” 

“Try… us. Try being together, even if it doesn’t work out in the end.” 

You know what you want to say as soon as you hear him say that, but you also know the ending already. As much as you didn’t want to admit it, you and Hyunjin weren’t exactly compatible. There were so many arguments, even though you were never officially together, and you had little to nothing in common. Though those weren’t dealbreakers on their own, when put together, and along with all the other little things you picked up on as you got to know him, you knew the real answer, the right answer. You reach out to caress his face. His skin is warm now, and his hood slips off of his head to reveal the full haircut. It’s short, as you presumed, only the top layers left somewhat long. His bangs tickle your fingers as your hand drops. 

The rain only pelts against your window harder as you take his cold hand in yours, intertwining your fingers for the last time, and press your lips to his knuckles. Hopefully, he looks at you, awaiting your answer. 

You smile sadly; the moment is bittersweet. Goodbye moonlight, goodbye to our song, goodbye to your stupidly loud car and your soft hair, you think, goodbye.

“No,” you say simply. “We can’t.” 

DIVIDER CREDIT | @cafekitsune

© petrichor-han 2023, all rights reserved. do not translate or repost without my permission.

Bro, the way you described their feelings made me feel like I was actually in the story! I don't know how you managed to do that in such a short text but you left me speechless!

waiting for us

pairing: hyunjin x reader

synopsis: you’re afraid to let hyunjin love you, but he’d wait forever for you

warnings: very brief suggestive content, angsty angsty angsty (but happy ending) reader shuts down hyunjin’s advances, opening up, discussion of feelings, getting together, nothing is perfect, feelings are messy in this, writing is messy (apologies), hyunjin is an angel, they are both hurt souls just wanting to be loved

✿: @hhwangsmoon @straywrds @l3visbby @armysantiny @hwajin @casualtaelyn @staybangchan @hopeladybug @midsoulz @aestheticsluut @venustired @abiaswreck @deathlypink @djeniryuu @rachabreathing @alyszaen @starlostseungmin @bokk-minnie @spicymooseeyes @arlojulien-nightchild-of-hades @downbadreading @moasworld @ren0325 @ketchupaeternum @like-a-diamondinthesky @itsgivingitalian

No reposting or translating of my works. All rights reserved to me, myself and I.

“I hate flowers,” you mumble as you stare at the bouquet Hyunjin had gifted you minutes ago.

“I know. You think they’re cheesy and a cliche gift.”

Your eyes flutter from the arrangement to Hyunjin.

“Then why do you get them for me?”

Hyunjin smiles, looking completely unbothered.

“Because I know you love when I give you flowers. You don’t care that it’s cheesy. Not when they’re from me.”

Your heart flutters and you can feel a smile threatening to tug at your lips but you keep your features neutral.

“Why are you still trying Hyunjin?”

The man shrugs as he leans back against the park bench.

“I love you and I know you love me. But I also know that you’re not ready yet and that’s alright.”

A smile stretches across his lips, “I’ll wait as long as I need to.”

You wanted to cry. You wanted to scream. You wanted to tell Hyunjin to fuck off but you also wanted to pull him closer and kiss him until your lips became numb and all you knew was the feeling of his body against yours.

You wanted to run away.

But you also wanted to stay.

You didn’t like the way Hyunjin looked at you. You didn’t like the way his eyes lit up when he spotted you or how he fiddled with his rings out of nervousness when he talked to you. You didn’t like when he gave you gifts, you didn’t like when he tried to talk to you.

You didn’t like it because you knew it was fleeting. Hyunjin would grow tired of your shit. He’d eventually stop trying to break down the walls you’d spent years building. One day he’d stop giving you flowers, he’d stop approaching you, he’d stop wanting to be around you.

But you also knew that Hyunjin was aware of your inner turmoil. He saw past the frowns and the stoic expression. He saw bits of your true feelings that seeped through no matter how hard you tried to keep them at bay.

You were tiring but he hadn’t grown tired of you.

Every rejection had only egged him on. It had only made him want to get closer to you.

No one had ever tried as much as Hyunjin had.

But you knew he deserved better.

You loved him, you loved him so much. But he shouldn’t be with someone like you.

A shaky breath left you, a reaction that had startled both you and Hyunjin.

“If I told you to stop, would you?”

Hyunjin is quiet for a moment. You can feel his burning gaze against your skin but you don’t dare to look at him.

Vulnerability is something that you aren’t comfortable with. But something about Hyunjin makes the tears pricking your eyes a little less burdensome. He makes you feel safe.

“I don’t want to. But if that’s what you wanted I would. I would give you space but I wouldn’t give up hope that one day you could let yourself be happy with me.”

Your eyes meet his then. He’s smiling despite the tears gathering in his eyes and it breaks your heart.

“I want to be,” you find yourself confessing, “I want to be but—.”

You don’t finish your sentence but you don’t have to. Hyunjin knows you’re scared. He knows you’ve been hurt. He knows you can’t let yourself trust easily. He knows you’re cold and dismissive because you can’t let yourself be broken again.

But he’s still there. He’s always been there, waiting so patiently for you to let him love you the way he knows and that you know deep down you deserve to be loved.

The paper of the bouquet rustles with the way your hand shakes.

“We don’t have to talk about this now,” he says softly.

He’s hesitant at first when he reaches out, but when you don’t pull away he settles his large warm hands over your own.

“You did good today Y/n,” he whispers, “So good. I’m so proud of you.”

You feel the first tear fall, then another. The first you’ve let fall in front of someone in a long time.

One of Hyunjin’s hands leaves yours to brush the tears away.

Your chest hurts, your entire being hurts.

And you feel so fucking sorry.

“I-I kept them all.”

Hyunjin hums in question as he guides your head to rest against his shoulder, fingers intertwining with your own.

“The flowers, the notes, the poems, the butterfly shaped gummies you bought me bc you said they reminded you of my eyes,” you sniffle.

“I kept them all. I still look at them everyday.”

Hyunjin is quiet, too quiet.

“I never wanted to hurt you, not really I just—. I’m so sorry Hyunjin. God you don’t know how much it ate me up everytime time I turned you down. I couldn’t—.”

“You were afraid to be loved. I know Y/n. I’ve always known,” he whispers as he shifts to look at you as you sit up.

“I’m still here,” he says as his fingers reach to brush a couple of loose strands behind your ears.

“I’m here. I’m yours. And I’ll wait for you for as long as it takes. I’m not leaving. I-I’m not going to disappear.”

Even when he cries, Hyunjin is still the most beautiful person you’ve ever seen.

He’s crying because he’s hurting too. He’s crying because he loves you.

“I want to be happy with you,” you confess as Hyunjin leans his forehead against yours.

His breath in your lips makes you shiver.

“I-I want to be loved by you. I want to love you in turn. I just wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I didn’t hurt so much. I wish I didn’t hurt you. I wish I deserved you.”

“Don’t.”

It’s firm, the way the word leaves his lips.

“Everyone deserves to be loved. And to me, you deserve it the most.”

He’s so close to you, a tilt of your chin and your lips would meet. You think that it would heal you.

Something about Hyunjin has always felt that way to you. Healing.

But you didn’t give in. You had wanted to hurt because you felt like you deserved it.

“Just let me and I’ll show you. I’ll make the hurt go away.”

“I'm too much Hyunjin,” you admit.

“Loving someone isn’t supposed to be easy. People aren’t perfect, relationships aren’t perfect. You and I have our faults, our scars, our fears. But one thing I am certain of is that I feel so deeply for you. I think it’s beyond love at this point but it’s indescribable. You make me feel like I can’t breathe but at the same time by your side is the only place I can. It’s confusing and frustrating but fuck do I love you and I’ll be damned if i ever stop showing you how much I do.”

It’s fucked. Everything is fucked when you tilt your chin up and connect your lips.

It’s fucked when he kisses you back with so much passion that you feel his hurt, his love, his everything as his lips glide against yours.

It’s fucked when you feel your walls crumbling down and more tears escape. Both of you tasting the salty hurt and love that coats your lips.

It’s fucked when you breathe those four words against his lips that you had been trying so hard not to utter.

It’s fucked when Hyunjin takes you in the entryway of your apartment that afternoon—desperate and hungry as he fills you with all the love he has for you.

It’s fucked when you lay naked in your bed that night.

It’s fucked when you feel the anguish and hurt leave you at his touch.

It’s fucked, completely and utterly fucked.

Everything that you had built up, one man tore down in a single evening. He had been chipping away, making cracks in your defenses for months now and you had only stuck bandaids over them—not wanting to reinforce them anymore. You grew tired of the facade—tired of trying to force him away.

Hyunjin didn’t leave like you thought he would. He was right here, in your arms—lips pursed as he slumbered atop your chest.

He had been waiting for you.

And finally, you had stopped running and let your heart beat once more.

↳ If you liked this please consider commenting or reblogging! It would really mean the world to me ♡

─ .✦ 𝐈'𝐦 𝐛𝐮𝐬𝐲 ― 𝐇𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐠 𝐇𝐲𝐮𝐧𝐣𝐢𝐧 📲

ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ

𝙋𝙖𝙞𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜: idol!hyunjin x reader

𝙂𝙚𝙣𝙧𝙚: angst, hurt/no comfort

𝙎𝙎: 5

𝙏𝙒/𝘾𝙒: hurt/no comfort, no happy ending, Hyunjin is being mean but reader is standing up for themselves

⤷ 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘯𝘦𝘨𝘭𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘱 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘏𝘺𝘶𝘯𝘫𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘵 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵.

⋮ 𝗠𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁

Ⓒ︎ 𝗶𝘁𝘀𝗮𝘀𝗶𝗹𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿. 𝘈𝘭𝘭 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘦𝘥. 𝗗𝗼 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘰𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘺 𝘮𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘵.

ᯓ★ 𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭 ― 𝐇𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐠 𝐇𝐲𝐮𝐧𝐣𝐢𝐧

⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖

⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖

𝙋𝙖𝙞𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜: idol!Hyunjin x fem!reader

𝙒𝙤𝙧𝙙𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙩: 3,2k (got a little carried away lol) — 𝟮𝟮 𝙢𝙞𝙣 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙

𝙂𝙚𝙣𝙧𝙚: angst, comfort

𝙏𝙒/𝘾𝙒: hurt/comfort, reader's insecure and hyunjin is being oblivious most of the time

𝘼/𝙉: This is also a request. I normally don't really like reading angst but writing it is so much fun lol. Hope you'll enjoy this one!

⤷ 𝘏𝘺𝘶𝘯𝘫𝘪𝘯 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘺.

⋮ 𝗠𝗮𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁

⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖

You were heading to the studio with lunch for Hyunjin and the others. He didn’t reply to your texts all morning so you thought you’d surprise him and the others with lunch. You know how they can be when they are busy, so they probably appreciate it if you bring them something to eat.

You entered the building and down the hall to the studio they’d probably be at. Stopping in front of the door, you see it was not fully closed. Raising your hand to knock before entering, your hand comes to a halt when you hear your boyfriend’s voice.

You didn’t mean to eavesdrop, really. It was just that his voice was a little louder than usual, and you happened to stop by at the wrong time.

“Man, it’s so annoying. My phone keeps blowing up and she won’t leave me alone,” you could hear him let out a frustrating groan. “Sometimes she’s just… too clingy, you know? As if she can’t do anything by herself. ‘S driving me crazy.”

Murmurs followed your boyfriend's confession, but your heart was pounding so loud to hear their responses. Hyunjin said it so casually, but his words hit you like a punch to the gut.

Clingy? He thought you were being too clingy?

You thought you were just showing how much you cared for him — it hadn’t felt like too much. But now it felt like you overstayed your welcome like everything you did and every touch had been one too many.

Fighting back the sudden tightness in your chest, you swallowed hard. You stood by the door for a minute gathering your thoughts, before silently turning around to walk away. Your heart now aching with a newfound distance you weren’t sure how to close.

Apparently, your lingering by the door hadn’t gone unnoticed by one of the members. Felix saw something from the corner of his eye and before he could say something, he saw you turn around and walk away from the studio.

He frowned at the words of his friend and the thought of you possibly overhearing him. “She just cares about you,” Felix spoke up before getting out his phone to text you. He didn’t get a response from the older boy, at least not a verbal one.

You arrived back home when you heard your phone going off. Could it be Hyunjin? Did he text you a lie about how he was just busy and didn’t see your texts coming through?

You hated this. You hated this feeling of being lied to. If he thought it was too much, he should have just said so instead of going to his members behind your back.

Sure, he can vent to his friends. It’s not like you don’t do this with your girlfriends. But complaining about your partner and being actually hurtful? You wouldn’t do that.

You set down the bags that contained the lunch boxes before getting your phone out of your purse. It was Felix, asking if you just stopped by. He had seen you turn around and walk away instead of coming in.

You quickly typed a reply, saying you did want to stop by but forgot something at home. It wasn’t really a lie that he would believe, but at this point, you didn’t want to talk about it.

Your heart felt heavy and when you finally sat down on your couch, you felt the pressure behind your eyes building up.

Maybe you were overreacting? No, this was a valid reaction to something that felt so hurtful. This started a spiral of overthinking.

Were you really that clingy? And was it so bad that he might consider breaking up with you? He knew your last boyfriend said one of the reasons he broke up with you was because you were so overbearing towards him. But it was just because you love to show people you care about them.

In the beginning, Hyunjin assured you multiple times that you weren’t overbearing. He said he loved it when all your attention was on him and that you made him feel so loved and special with every little thing you did for him.

So what has changed?

You had hoped your afternoon would be filled with spending some time with your boyfriend, his friends and good food. Instead, it was filled with overthinking and tears.

In the days that followed you tried to act as if nothing was wrong. You tried to continue on, but his words echoed in your head and it made it impossible for you to be as relaxed as before.

Hyunjin could feel you were pulling back slowly, creating distance between the two of you.

The thing that stood out the most was how your frequent texting went from constant texting him things to a few texts a day to almost radio silence during the day.

Normally, you’d always ask him how his day was going, if he needed something to eat, if you could stop by to see what they were working on and even random things you’ve seen during the day that reminded you of him.

Now it felt like you only texted him out of necessity and not because you wanted to talk to your boyfriend.

The week continued, and it seems like the rift between you and Hyunjin has grown even wider. The tension kept knotting in your stomach and your hands kept fidgeting when you were alone together.

You were asleep, or pretended to be, when Hyunjin left for work and the dinners you had together were being eaten in an uncomfortable silence.

You cancelled a date night with the excuse of not feeling great and went straight to the bedroom. You didn’t come out for the rest of the night, leaving Hyunjin alone with his thoughts.

He felt like you were on edge, but he couldn’t figure out why or what had happened for you to be acting this way towards him. The sudden coldness and distance.

He had to admit, he missed your blabbing during dinner, or when you’re watching a movie and you tell him random fun facts about it. He just could not dwell long on your behaviour, because work still demanded a lot of his time and energy.

This resulted in the members deciding to go out to dinner together when they finished the last remaining details for the comeback. Felix suggested asking you along too; he got the feeling from his friend that something was going on between you.

Hyunjin hasn't talked much about you and what you guys have been up to lately, but he hasn't seen you in the studio during lunch lately either. You would normally come to surprise your boyfriend and the members while they were working hard on their comeback.

This also raised suspicions that you might have overheard Hyunjin's harsh words.

That brings you to here right now, at a table in a fancy restaurant, sitting next to Felix and Hyunjin. Your hands started fidgeting again, a habit you picked up the past few days.

Hyunjin sitting next to you, oblivious to your fidgeting, laughing and chatting with his friends - like hadn’t shattered your confidence with one careless comment.

“Hey, are you alright?” Felix’s voice was soft as he leaned closer, his concern clear. You gave him a small, forced smile.

“Yeah, just tired,” you mumbled. The lie felt heavy, but the ache in your chest felt even heavier.

Hyunjin’s laughter pulled your attention back to him. He looked so carefree and completely unaware of the hurt he’d caused. That’s what stung the most—how easy it was for him to say something that lingered with you, while he didn’t seem bothered at all.

Did he really not notice? Or does he not care enough to do something about it. Then again, you didn’t know if you should bring it up to him.

Felix spoke up again, “I haven’t seen you at our studio during lunchtime lately. What’s up with that?”

His attention was fully on you, trying to figure out what was going on in that head of yours. The question seems to caught you off guard. He observed you telling a forced lie to him about your absence. Suspicion confirmed.

Your eyes strayed quickly to Hyunjin but it seemed you didn't want to focus your attention on your boyfriend. His attention went to your hands, which were still fidgeting. He knew now that you indeed heard your boyfriend tell his members that he thought you were clingy and it was eating away at you.

This needs to be resolved quickly, he thought, but he didn’t want to intervene right now. It seems like you need a friend in this moment and he wanted to help you not have the troubling thoughts in your head for a moment.

He switched up the conversation with a different question to ease your mind, and you seemed to be eager to change the topic.

And this did work for a while, you were having good food and good conversations with the rest of the group. Except for Hyunijn, and it didn’t go unnoticed by him.

After the dinner ended, and everyone went their separate ways home, you fell back into an uncomfortable silence again. The car ride home seemed to last hours when it was in fact only a 20-minute drive.

Hyunjin tried to place his hand on your leg, but you just slightly turned your body the other way and faced the window the entire ride home.

When you stepped foot into your apartment, you immediately headed to your bedroom to change into your pyjamas. Hyunjin still was a little confused and watched you disappear into the bedroom.

Deciding to confront you about the distance he felt, he went after you. You were already in the bathroom, removing your make-up.

“Hey,” Hyunjin’s voice was cautious, a little hesitant. “Is something wrong?”

You didn’t answer him straight away. Your eyes found his and you looked at him through the mirror, before settling back to your own reflection to continue removing your make-up.

Should you admit that you’d heard everything? The hurt twisted inside you, mingling with the fear of pushing him away even more.

Finally, you turned to face him, your voice barely audible. “Do you really think I’m clingy?”

The question clearly caught him off guard, he just stood there and blinked at you. It seemed like he wanted to say something, but the words didn’t leave his lips.

The silence followed by your question was suffocating and it made you second — no, triple—guess all the thoughts and emotions you’ve felt for the past days. The reaction he gave you made your mind wonder if you might be overreacting to five simple words.

‘Sometimes she’s just too clingy’.

You felt so vulnerable, but you couldn’t hide your unspoken thoughts anymore. Your eyes stayed focused on Hyunjin. He swallowed thickly before parting his lips to speak. “You’ve heard?”

He had no idea you were at the studio, or near the studio when he was venting to his members.

A sad and tired sigh left your lips and you turned your attention back to your reflection, continuing your skincare. It felt weird, acting as if it was just a normal question, meanwhile the words chipped away at your confidence.

“It’s just... sometimes...” His voice finally broke the tension, but it didn’t sound as sure as you’d hoped. Running a hand through his hair, frustration flickering across his features.

You could see him trying to find the right words, but every second he hesitated only making your chest tighten more.

“What? Sometimes what?” you pressed on. “I’m sometimes too much? Am I too close all the time? Overbearing? I can’t do anything by myself?” Though your voice was quieter now, he could hear the hurt and uncertainty bleeding through.

He winced slightly at your words and pressed his lips together. He let out another sigh, “No, it’s not like that. I- I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just…” He trailed off, trying to find the right words.

You didn’t respond to his words, just waiting for an explanation as to why he said you were ‘too clingy’ and ‘couldn’t do anything by yourself’. But the explanation never seemed to come, the words stuck in his throat.

Though, you weren’t sure what you wanted to hear. His silence felt louder than any explanation he could have given.

“I was venting, and I just… I didn’t know you heard that... I’m sorry.” Frustration was seeping into his features. “It doesn’t mean I don’t care about you or- or what you do!” His voice softened and his eyes searched yours.

He didn’t know whether to take a step towards you and reach out or keep his distance, though the latter option is something you already succeeded in the past few days.

It didn’t feel good enough for you. The words fell flat between you, without meaning. You felt your chest tighten again and the suffocating feeling in your throat came back. The burning sensation of fresh tears behind your eyes was building up, ready to be released down your cheeks.

Turning away from him and nodded, “I get it, Hyunjin.” The man winced at the sound of your voice and hearing his name coming from your lips. “It’s fine. My ex said the same things, I’m used to it by now.”

It wasn’t fine. You weren’t used to it, not by a long shot. But you didn’t know if you could handle hearing more, or even if you wanted to.

Pushing past him, you went back into your bedroom. Turning on the lamp on your bedside table, you pulled back the covers and got into bed. Hyunjin lingered in the bathroom, trying to gather his thoughts on how he could explain to you he didn’t mean it like that.

He didn’t mean to hurt you, it was just in the heat of the moment and being stressed out because of work didn’t help either. Not that it should be an excuse.

You reminded him of the words your ex had said to you tugging at his heartstrings. That hurt. He knew it was a bad and rough break-up for you.

Even though it was so significantly small for him, something said in passing when he was stressed, holds an entirely different meaning and feeling for you.

You lay in bed staring at the window, silently letting the salty tears run down your face, and onto your pillowcase. From your position in bed, you reached out to turn off your light. The darkness engulfed you.

Hyunjin came into the bedroom after a minute. You felt the bed dip behind you, and he softly reached out to you. He rested his hand on your shoulder, trying to be comforting to you.

He could hear your breathing, uneven and heavy. Without seeing your face, he knew tears were rolling down.

The moonlight is peeking through the see-through curtains in front of the window., and it lit up your face. Right now, that was the only light in the room. You stayed quiet, not trusting your voice to say anything to your boyfriend.

“It’s not fine,” he murmured, almost like he was talking more to himself than to you. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like that.” When he didn’t hear anything from you, he continued.

“I just…” He exhaled slowly, clearly struggling. “I didn’t know how to explain it. Sometimes, when I’m stressed or overwhelmed, I don’t know how to handle things. But it’s not about you. It’s never about you.”

His words hovered between you. The sting of what you’d overheard lingered, reminding you of how easy it was for him to call you clingy in front of the others.

You wondered if he even realized how much that had hurt, or if he was just trying to smooth things over now that he knew you’d overheard.

“Then why say it at all?” you whispered, barely able to keep your voice steady. “If it wasn’t about me, why say it like that? Why make me feel like… like I’m too much?”

Hyunjin looked pained, his eyes flickering with regret as he gently pulled you to him in the dark. “You’re not too much. You never are.” At his words, you turned to face him.

Carefully he reaches for your hair to brush the loose strands from your face. “I know it's not an excuse to say I was stressed, but I really didn't mean it. The past few days I felt the distance between us and it ate away at me. I didn't know what was going on and what I had done to make you distance yourself from me.”

Your silence urges him to continue, “I didn't know how to bring this up, but I understand why you've been so distant these past few days. I was just venting to my friends without realizing this could hurt you. Especially after your break-up with your ex, I'm so sorry...”

His fingertips traced the side of your face before wiping away the tears that ran free. You swallowed hard, you wanted to believe him. You really did, because it is normal for people to vent about their feelings, good and bad.

But another part, the part that heard him so casually say you were clingy, kept you guarded.

Your hand reached out for his that was still lightly tracing your face, “I don’t want to feel like I’m smothering you, Hyunjin. I just… I don’t know what to do now.”

“You know, I missed your random texts. The one you always send if you see something that reminds you of me. And when you ask me how my day is going. The boys also have been asking about you, y’know.”

The sincerity in his voice made you look up at him. “They miss you at lunch too, just like I do.” For the first time since this conversation started, you saw the cracks in his usual confidence.

“It really hurt, the way you said it so casually too. And it felt like a punch in the gut after you know what my ex said to me. But it is my insecurity, not yours. I just need to figure out how to deal with it.”

He gently shook his head. “If you feel hurt about what I said, that is completely valid. I know it is an insecurity of yours, and I shouldn’t have been so casual about it.”

You let out a sigh and initiated intertwining your fingers with his. The small act brought a soft smile to his face. Watching your features, being lit up by the moonlight, he felt his racing heartbeat calm down.

“We’ll figure it out together baby. If I feel like I don’t need a distraction during work, I’ll put on my do-not-disturb mode on my phone, okay?” His words made you nod in agreement.

“And I will try to communicate my feelings more, especially when it comes to something like this. I realize now that I just have to talk about this when it bothers me.”

In response to your words, he nodded. “I love you, baby, so much.” Before you could respond he drew you closer, his lips brushing yours in a lingering kiss. “I love you too Jinnie.” You tugged him closer, kissing him with tender, quiet softness. You finally felt the tightness in your chest melt away.

He wanted to do better for you. His hand in yours felt like a promise—one he wasn’t going to let slip away.

⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖ ࣪⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖

Ⓒ︎ 𝗶𝘁𝘀𝗮𝘀𝗶𝗹𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿. 𝘈𝘭𝘭 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘦𝘥. 𝗗𝗼 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘰𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘺 𝘮𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘵.

i don’t think ill ever find as amazing an smau as this masterpiece 😭💛

Carousel┃H.HJ SMAU

Fifty-Nine- this happens once every few lifetimes.

(a/n: she's here and she's finally yours. thank you for waiting and enjoy <3)

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“You look pretty hot right now,” you tease, a similar breath of sarcasm colors the tilt of your lips into a smile. A sparkle taking its place right into your gaze that settles on the back of Hyunjin’s figure. Arms crossed on your chest as you learn on the doorframe of your kitchen. He turns to look back at you, your hello kitty headband pushes the strands of his inky hair back, it has your smile growing into an even prettier display of your emotions.

“I’m glad one of us is having fun at least.” He fights the urge to roll his eyes but it is deemed difficult when he ends up doing it anyways.

Resuming the task of scrubbing your dishes clean. It has been on his mind ever since he walked into your apartment last night. Too busy comforting the pain that has settled in your chest and wiping your tears for you he only got to finally do them this morning. Had been awake an hour earlier than you, he took it upon himself to pick up the few scattered clothes of yours. After cooking you a simple breakfast of eggs and toast. He finds himself in front of your kitchen sink, your headband in his hair and your pink dishwashing gloves covering his hands.

“I told you; you don’t have to do them.”

“Yeah? and wait for you to be eaten by a giant parasite that has formed on your mountain of dishes?”

“That’s not gonna happen Hyunjin,” you reply, a soft chuckle of yours that has his chest warming up with affection.

“Better safe than sorry baby.”

You feel warmth courses through your insides at his endearment for you. at his acts for you.  It’s overwhelming. almost big enough to cover up the blue that has taken place on your heart. It has your feet following a too familiar route that leads to him. You find a rare comfort in the fact that you don’t need to fight it this time, you don’t need to hold yourself back from longing for him and so you follow, blindly and overtaken by fondness for this man. You wrap your arms around his waist hoping to have this same fondness dripping from your fingertips and into his skin. Hoping to have this buzzing comfort that settled in you just from hugging him to last, for evermore.

Hyunjin stills for no more than a second, the feeling of your alive body against his has his heart picking speed as if he’s running down a track field but he’s not, he doesn’t need to be aching to get to you anymore. He has you. in the amidst of his pain it’s more than a little flicker of succour to have you.

“You okay, princess?” he inquires, and you hum against his neck, placing a soft brush of a kiss there.

“’m okay. Just feeling thankful for you.”

“For me?” There’s a faint joy coloring his tone and you squeeze him tighter.

“Always for you. thank you for taking care of me honey.”

“it’s what I do best.” He grins, turning to wrap his arms around your waist after turning off the running water and taking off his gloves. He places a kiss atop your nose, and you giggle, caught off guard by the unexpected tenderness of his gesture.

“I know you’re sad too. So, the fact that you still took care of me despite everything means a lot to me.” one of your hands curls in his dark hair, doused in comfort.

“Having you next to me is enough for my sadness to vanish.”

When your eyes lock you stop thinking entirely, you forget the ache in your chest and instead you’re losing yourself in him. his gaze never wavering from yours and it has your heart hammering against your chest. As if falling in love for the first time you wonder how is it possible. For the world to still and stop spinning just to glance at the sparkles in his eyes. it should feel unfair for him to exist right at same time as you. or were you simply lucky enough to be here? Right between his embrace and his loving fingers that trace over your brows, under your eyes and atop your cupid bow.

“Having you next to me is enough comfort for my aching heart. You numb my pain.” Your mind almost laughs mockingly at you, at the way he manages to steal your words before you even utter them.

A different ache nestles itself upon you, in a differently painful way. It’s the way it is for him. A dalliance of your desires against his cheekbones has him closing his eyes and you lean in. with unsaid want etched on your lips when you place them on his. You hope to set free all the trapped words in you, you hope they reach him, and you hope they are meticulously engraved onto his heart. The same way his words are engraved onto yours. You hope for his heart to keep answering yours in the same way it does now.

Your moment is interrupted by the sound of your doorbell ringing. You and Hyunjin share a confused look “were you expecting anyone?” he asks, untangling himself from you and heads for the door. You shake your head, following close by.

Both of you blink in surprise when you’re welcomed by the sight of Felix, Wooyoung and Yeji right outside of your door. Bags of what seem to be junk food in their hands.

“Surprise!” Wooyoung speaks first with an overly loud whistle.

“I thought I told you we’re not doing the whistle thing, woo.” Felix sighs rubbing the space between his eyebrows.

“Fuck you, you don’t control me.” Wooyoung retorts and you can’t help the amused giggle you let out.

“What are you guys doing here?” Hyunjin asks with a raised brow.

“We thought we all need a little cheering up so we’re here.” Wooyoung declares, walking past you and Felix follows with an eyeroll. When it’s just Yeji, she lingers by the door. Fidgeting with the hem of her shirt.

“I hope you don’t mind that I’m here too?”

“Oh! Not at all. Please come in.” you reply with a forced tilt of your lips, peeking over your awkwardness.

And that’s how your night passes by, almost in a blur with happiness and laughter. It all started with you five watching movies and somehow ended with you singing karaoke songs. Empty bottles of beer and bags of chips circle you in the living room. Your sadness is momentarily forgotten in between the funny stories Felix spills and the awful acting of Wooyoung as he tells you about his favorite scene from harry potter. It all ends with Hyunjin leaving to buy cigarettes, Wooyoung and Felix dozing off on your couch and you’re in your room grabbing blankets for them. It’s when Yeji finds you. An awkward smile on her face as she knocks on your open door to capture your attention.

“Just wanted to tell you I’ll be leaving. It’s gotten late.” She says and you pauses with pillows between your arms. The same awkwardness crawls onto your features.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna stay over as well?”

“Oh I don’t wanna intrude.”

“You’re not. I’m sure Hyunjin would appreciate you staying as well.” You reassure with a smile that she returns almost right away.

“I am too lazy to drive back home honestly.” She goes to silently take the blankets from between your arms and you throw her a thankful nod.

“I’m sorry about the whole Yuna thing. It’s still so crazy that it was her all along.” She speaks again when you have walked into your bathroom to rummage in your cabinet for a spare toothbrush. A twinge of pain strikes at your heart at the mention of her name, and you barely manage to hold yourself together.

“It’s okay.” You say, barely audible enough. Followed by you clearing your throat. You force a smile when you face her “part of me thinks it’s karma for what I did to you.” you attempt to joke, a strained chuckle and yet it comes out dry.

It hangs in the air when Yeji’s eyes soften in something so akin to pity you wish to shrink into.

“I’d be really sad if that was the case.” She replies with raw honesty that has you looking away, scratching at your elbow awkwardly.

“Why? You don’t think I deserve it?”

Yeji is silent for a few seconds; it ticks by slowly and you feel it weigh down on your heart. Adding even bigger weights of despondency on your shoulders and you’re weak, broken down so easily it’s the only real thing in this fable existence of you.

“I don’t know how to answer that, but I do know I never want you to suffer because of me.”  

When you look at her, she smiles, raw and candid. Pushing you into a corner with how honest she is. You don’t think you’ve ever met anyone who displays their emotions so shamelessly that you once again find yourself growing jealous. Yearning to be someone that isn’t anywhere close to you.

“You’re so kind.” The words escape you before you can stop them, Yeji’s eyes widen slightly with surprise and you nervously chuckle “I just wonder how you are this kind.” You push past her, walking back into your room to grab a different pillow for her this time and she follows blunderingly “I guess I wish I was more like you that’s why it amazes me every time.” You continue, a faux lightness laces your voice.

Yeji’s hands are on yours, halting your movement to capture your wandering attention and you yield to it. Your eyes flit between hers and her hand.

“Why do you think you’re not kind?”

“I don’t think someone kind would do what I did to you.” you whisper, your voice breaks at the end and despite your promises to forgive yourself, you find yourself drowning in similar hatred instead. The same black eyes that stare at you in the mirror are constantly haunting you. reminding you of how awful you are to even be breathing.

“There is some truth to that, but you can learn to be kinder every day. Even kind people can make mistakes.” She says, and something about her tone indicates that she isn’t saying this just to comfort you. but it is like a known fact that she delivers to you instead. You welcome it pathetically, wishing to at least be worthy to take it.

Your words betray you, leaving you silent until you’re downstairs and showing her the guestroom. You’re about to leave when you still in your steps. The darkness aids the blush creeping up your neck when you ask.

“How do you do it?” You don’t need to specify what you mean, the smile growing on her face tells you she understands.

“The world has enough hatred as it. I don’t wanna add more to that.” Her words follow you for a few more days, it keeps you awake just a few extra minutes at night like a revolution. You didn’t know you didn’t need to be losing parts of you to be something bigger than your anger.

There’s relief in believing in simpler things, in knowing you also can be freed from the cages of cruelty. That perhaps if you couldn't die completely satisfied with you, you could allow yourself to leave warmed by the thought of who you tried to be. It is to leave with scabs adoring your hands because you tried rather than hideous claws drenched in blood that isn't yours.

Amidst the mess you find yourself in somehow you manage to find relief right by the corner.

“How was it?” Hyunjin asks as soon as you’re out of your therapist’s office. Your reddening nose and the growing puffiness under your eyes are enough evidence for him not wait for your answer.

Instead, he pulls you closer to him. Closing the very small distance between you two, away from the coldness of your blues and into the warmth of his. It envelopes you as his palms cup your heated cheeks. A soft empathy colors his eyes and he drinks you in, fliting across your beauty that cannot be drowned by a couple of tears. The brush of his thumbs under your eyes has you letting out a shuddering breath.

“I’m sorry. We talked about yuna and I guess everything just hit me again.” You explain, shaky and vulnerable, your ragged breath eludes against each word.

“It’s okay. No need to apologize, angel.” His quieted whispers are akin to still waters, just under the burning sun of summer. It’s profuse in warmth, affable. And you jump right in.

“I feel like a mess.” you mumble, resting your forehead against his shoulder. And his palm is now on your back, rubbing soothing circles on it. The jumbled-up thoughts in your head seem to settle one by one. Falling back into a comforting song that follow the rhythm of his hand. It’s tender and nothing like the windy weather outside.

“It’s okay to be a mess sometimes.”

“I feel like a mess all the time though.”

“Mhm. You know I love taking care of this mess.” he remarks casually. Catching your eyes when you turn to look at him. He smiles at you, a rare innocence clings to his lips, in the light swimming in his eyes and it feels like a raw display of unyielding affection for you.

Rather than a monster who destroys everything it touches, rather than a selfish being who takes, takes and takes. Swallows everything in sight you feel more like a flower that’s coming back to life. Saturated so generously with his feelings. It’s in the way he looks at you, lenient enough to have you melting between his embrace and your ever-growing emotions and intense enough to constantly ensnare your attention.

“What?” he asks with a breathless chuckle when your eyes linger on his. Overtaken by the beauty of you, only amplified by the deepening of your gaze. It’s only ever for him and it’s a trophy he will flaunt proudly.

“I love you.” you tell him, in the busy waiting room and in the amidst of the seemingly endless chatter of the people around you, you tell him.

He feels oxygen flee from his being, leaving him nothing but a mere soul that is yearning for you, unable to do anything but gaze at you. Your eyes take him back to when he was a teenager, pulled together by chaos and a rather immense need to belong somewhere. To someone. And right now, it all falls in place. He’s no longer waiting by the door, no longer cutting edges to maybe catch a flicker of you someday. By contrast he’s here, next to you and entangled with you. You’re mixing with the blood running through his veins. His partiality for you takes over every particle in his body. They morph into fragments of you and Hyunjin never had a choice. From the moment your name had stumbled from your pretty lips into his heart. Taking space, inflating and then it was only you.

He's finally home.

“I love you, always.” he tells you too and you smile.

You leave feeling much lighter, your sadness stolen by the hands of Hyunjin, and you only think about where does he take them when he’s driving in your car and his palm is sprawled on your thigh. Its tenderness courses through your body. Almost has you falling asleep if you didn’t notice the route you’re taking isn’t too familiar.

“Are we not going home?” you ask, your fingers finding realm within the spaces between his.

“I wanna take you somewhere first.” He winks at you, a glint surrounding his piercing eyes and so you only nod.

It shouldn’t be a surprise that he ends up taking you to the beach, yet you’re still overtaken by happiness as if coming home after a long tiresome day. When Hyunjin helps you of the car, his hand on the small of your back and you shiver. Due to frigid air and him being so close to you.

“Babe it’s so cold.” You whine, a pout forming on your lips, and he’s weakened by it. Leaning down to place a peck there. Your gasp hangs in the air and he only smirks at the darkening color of your cheeks.

“Shh, I know I got you.” He takes your hand in his and you bury your burning face in your scarf.

You spend your afternoon there, poorly executed jokes thrown at each other, followed by a recalling of your old high school days then eventually it ends up in a heated discussion because he insists that I didn’t start crushing on you right away! No way I did!. Ending with messy kisses that last a tad too long for it to be deemed pure. setting ablaze your entire body with the fervent touch of his hands. They’re everywhere yet nowhere close enough when they tighten around your hips.

By the time the sun sets you’re breathless with need. Aching for him and in between every shade, pink arises coloring his eyes and swirling with the whispers of love you told to him this morning. They’re almost as pretty as the colors of sunset, if anything is close to compare anyways. The sound of waves almost resembles the beats of your hearts combined. As if they’re happy their favorite couple is back.

“You’re not proposing to me, are you?” you joke when he stills, his hands engulfing yours. He blinks and you almost choke on your own spit.

“Are you?”

“No no,” he shakes his head with a choked laugh “but I kinda wish I was.”

“Don’t say crazy things.”

“I thought we got over the fact that I’m crazy about you.” You go to hit his shoulder with your freed hand, and he holds it before it makes contact with his body. A charming smile adorns his face “Besides, how is it crazy if we’re gonna end up married someday anyways.” When his fingers graze your knuckles, you grow quiet only because you know it’s true.

“Do you remember what you told me last time we were here?”

“I said a lot of shit.” You mumble, the distance between you two growing smaller and smaller and then you’re wrapping your arms around his neck. You’re close enough for him to behold the adoration you hold for him.

“You told me you want to die next to me.”

“I meant it.” You reply immediately. Easily.

“I’ve been thinking about it ever since. I’ve been thinking about everything you ever said to me on this same beach.” His gaze moves languidly across your features “there’s a lot of stuff I want to say to you, but they all feel worthless compared to the way you look at me. I’m afraid of being unfair.” he says earnestly, and you drink every word as if you were on the verge of dying out of thirst.

“Nothing you ever say is worthless to me. please tell me.” he pauses for a minute. His words faltering at the beauty of you.

“I’m so thankful you never gave up on us angel. I’m thankful I got the pleasure to fall in love with every bit of you, it’s always been you. and I always knew it but thank you for reminding me. Thank you for choosing to love the very foolish and stupid kid back then. Thank you for choosing to love me again.” Your vision turns blurry with tears, building overwhelmingly fast alongside the tightening of your throat. It resembles your feelings for him with how quick they come, how stubborn they are with leaving.

“I’d never dreamed of meeting somebody like you, but it is my reality, we’re here. It’s you and I so thank you for helping me find my home.”

Your sobs escape you forcefully, not in pain or sorrow but in a rather unfamiliar gentleness. Unknown to you but it isn’t something you can’t grow accustomed to. You realize the invisible string you felt around your ankle was not holding you back after all. Perhaps it was leading you back to him all along. And if you’ve been asleep for what feels like decades you have finally awaken.

It’s you and I .

“I feel like my soul has loved you since the beginning of time so in my next life I want to be me again just so I can meet you.” he smiles as if you’re anything akin to the light emanating from him. In the way his lips move across your cheeks, kissing your salty tears away. It’s sugary sweet like honey, like peaches and it’s so warm. Almost indistinguishable from your sixteenth summer.

“Thank you for not giving up on me, Hyunjin.” Your voice is soft enough for your words to be stolen away by the wind, however he’s only ever known to be selfish, so he takes them. Saves them in the pockets of his heart. As his lips captures yours, his love spills into you, mixing with yours and you know it too. As if the younger version of you two are watching over you, somewhere in the stars and they’re chanting. Cheering.

Because the story never ended, it was alive all along. In the stars and in the waves. It’s in the water, in the sand beneath your feet and his waters your garden love right back to life. As if not a day has passed with them dead. Just like you, they have been waiting along and just like you their waiting have finally came to an end.

It’s you and I.

Your feelings that you fought against for a long time are no longer mad at you, they’re not blaming you for not getting over the boy who’s blessed with the light of the universe in his smile. You are not too darkened for him. And instead, you’re privileged enough to matter to him. Not to be tucked away between his abandoned clothes but rather a favorite necklace that he wears around his neck.

How kind of the sun to lend its light to the moon, tinged with warmth. Apprehensively there is room for you to shine. It is thanks to him, you exist.

Your desires end up overflowing like an explosion as soon as you’re home. Hyunjin has you against the nearest wall. Lips melting against yours in a kiss that feels too good, too criminal. Like a reminder he tattoos; you were made for each other.

“You sure about this?” he whispers upon your lips, your breath mixing in all too familiar lustful song.

“I want you. please” you answer, your hands trace wordless reassurance across his shirt “make love to me please.” He groans at your choice of words, and you pull him closer into your body. Tilt your head to meet the plushness of his lips falling back into a fever-like kiss.

It is frighteningly easy to have you moaning under him even without all his teasing. He doesn’t have time to spare nor energy to drag this out. As if a need to have nestled in his blood and it takes over. An unbridle want that have you falling into your bed, and he follows. Your clothes lie abandoned on the floor evidence of your arousal. And it all spills into him burying himself inside of you with a strained groan.

“Oh my god,” you throw your head back onto your silk pillow, the length of your neck calls for him and he kisses it, sucking to leave remnants of his peach scent on you.

“Yeah? you like that?” he detaches his lips from your neck, eyes locking onto yours instead and you nod your hand scrambling for purchase in his locks.

“Yes! Yes please don’t stop.”

If this was any other day Hyunjin would still just to watch your tears spill over your cheeks beautifully. However right now his heart is beating way too fast that it feels ferocious. He wants to say he’s strong enough to resist you, that his mind isn’t growing blank with the way you seem to grow wetter the harder his cock dives in you. the way your voice only seems to grow louder and louder akin to a sweet, sweet melody. That his mind is sure to record, it will play it back to him at random times of the day.

“I-I want you more, more.” You mumble, almost incoherent.

He can’t help the smirk taking over his face at how hungry you are for him. How starved you sound when he’s here, right with you and in you. and so he’s setting a new, relentless rhythm, rocking the whole bed with every smack of his hips against yours. His fingers cradle yours lovingly, too virtuous. And then he’s kissing you, etching the same love onto your body, the marks on your neck and your breast are his. You are his and the thought only has you convulsing under him.

“You feel amazing baby. I could fuck this pussy all day.” Profanities tumble from his lips effortlessly, you are clenching around him and it is only encouragement that pushes him to grind against you faster, sweeter “So perfect.” He praises, sealing them with kisses and you could only moan his name. Like a prayer that you didn’t even need to memorize.

“I’m gonna come jin-oh god- I’m gonna come “you whine, your mouth heavy with pants.

“Yeah? come with me baby.” He rasps, fucking into you harder and you grasp at his shoulders with a breathless gasp “wanna feel you all over me.” he spits out mindlessly, his own mind turning fuzzy with pleasure.

“P-please so close.” He lines his lips over yours as he thrusts into you. untangling your hands from his neck and intertwining them with his instead.

You whine into his mouth as he deepens the kiss until your whole body is tingling, it goes taut. Your high approaches like crashing waves washing over you and he follows right behind you. moaning against your lips. his forehead meets yours as his hips rock into you until they’re coming to a stop. Your body shakes in oversensitivity. You’re breathless, dizzy and yet he keeps kissing you as if trying to find purpose in softness of your lips. His mouth opens wider, your tongues meet in the middle.

When he finally pulls back, he’s grinning down at you. There are stars in his eyes when he brushes the strands of your hair away from your forehead and places a tender kiss there instead.

“That was amazing.” He says and you can only hum back. Drained of energy but filled with a gentle affection for him.

“Tired?” he muses, the pad of his thumb wipes lightly at your lower lip and he chuckles at the way your head lolls to the side. Barely able to keep your eyes open.

“Get your dick out of me Hyunjin.” You whisper, shivering when he slightly moves, and you feel it.

“Whatever happened to please don’t stop.” He laughs and you flush like wine splashed across your cheeks. Your hands covering your face and you whine. His laugh only grows, echoing in your room and in your heart. you cannot conjure a response to say and instead you melt against the sheets and atop his chest when he rolls off you and pulls you into him.

The morning after comes with a pleasant feeling swimming across your chest. As days pass by Hyunjin spends more time by your side than anything else. Soon enough little bits of your apartment hold place for fragments of his. His toothbrush mingling next to yours and his clothes imprint their scent on yours. There’s a fervent clinging to your being, it has your heartbeat kicking upwards at the sight of him in your bed. Opening your eyes to his and closing them to his lips on your cheeks. The obstruction of your fears melts away along with the seasons. Running from winter into spring. And it’s nights when he’s in your kitchen, cooking dinner for you and you linger by the door.

Not because you’re unwelcome and not because you’re waiting for a glimpse of him. Not anymore. There’s no desperation clinging to your eyelashes when he looks back at you and instead there is only ever one feeling. Love. Strong, and more than anything hopeful.

Big enough to know that sometimes believing isn’t what you need. In between the folds of destiny, a game fate had started you believed you were deemed to lose. It carved a gaping hole right where your heart is, and you believed there was no way for this scar to close. You wish you could go back and recount the tale of you to your older yourself. You would tell her how your beliefs have withered away only with the touch of a boy. You’ll tell her all about the boy with the sun in his smile and how he helped flowers grow in the void in your chest. Little by little it closes, rewriting your beliefs into newer ones and they bloom into an even bigger specks of hope.

it’s in the way he shows you one other night his sketchbook, papers upon papers filled with pieces of you till they're completely you. He tells you about each one like they happened yesterday. As if your face was everything he was able to remember. It’s the same way that both of you admit that you still kept your bracelets all those years. Tucked away into safety just like you kept your feelings.

It’s in the light of the moon sneaking in through the window and in the smile, he sends your way when you tell him;

“I love you.”

“I love you, always.” He tells you back, a promise that shall never die and instead it lives on and on. Just like how you’re sure the waves of the ocean will tell your story someday, how the stars have always been witnesses of the day your heart was stolen away. It is these moments that have you growing into beliefs he whispered to you one night.

It’s you and I.

You know it now; this happens once every few lifetimes.

༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶༶•┈┈୨♡୧┈┈•༶

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Masterlist

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ Taglist: @annybah @christopherisfoive @kkamismom12 @nujeskz @realrintaro

@wolfietara @luvvvash @pnkcasket @shyshyshytwice @samhomo

@babrieeeee @nhyunn @lilliansreality @enzstr @feelikecinderella

@linocvp1d @itgirlalisaa @arikazu @hyundumpling @cupkiki

@avokralaim @super-btstrash-posts @mellhwang @kaiyaba

@finnbbl @rockyhedgehog @heyhaez @amarecerasus @anjian03

@jihanniee @skvrze @enzos-shit @certified-lana-del-rey-lover @chartrucewhore

@skz1lov @dreamerwasfound @lixie-phoria @sillygoosegoose

@20crowsinahoodie @siriusly1 @iheartchaes @hyunjinhwang-23

one of my fav hyune fics omg love this sm ahhh and i felt so seen when reader was a swiftie loll 🥹🫶

off-limits

synopsis: hwang hyunjin was multiple things to you: incredible. god-like. everything. but most of all, he was off-limits. that is, until, you both are forced to share a room at a beach getaway. sounds perfectly romantic, right? except for your fear of the ocean and his recent break-up.

pairing: non-idol!hyunjin x fem!reader

genre: best friends brother trope, one room trope, angst, fluff

warnings: mentions of alcohol, swearing, mentions of death, nightmares, graphic description of nearly drowning, eating and food, slightly suggestive, near death experience

please do not read if any of these topics are triggering

word count: 15.4k words

playlist: box in the ocean - alessia cara, swimming pools - francis on my mind, mixtape: time out - stray kids

a/n: guys. my baby is here. this was requested by the wonderful @scarlet789 also, shout out to my bae avi (@stayinlimbo) for letting me scream in her dms. as usual, pls leave your comments and reblog!! they mean everything to me <3

"all these explosive emotions, i'm holding"

Hwang Hyunjin was multiple things to you. Beautiful, heavenly and ethereal were just a few words to describe him. Off-limits, however, was probably the best and most encompassing in this situation. He was your best friend Hyun-jee's brother, and a long time ago, you chose friendship over love.

Hyun-jee and her brother came from an extremely well off family. Hyun-jee's mother was a famous model while her father was the owner of one of the most popular media channels in South Korea. Unlike the stereotypical rich kid, however, Hyun-jee genuinely did want to inherit her father's business someday, eagerly waiting to take over as CEO after his retirement. For now though, she was content with just being the CFO of their overseas subsidiary.

Hyunjin however, was a bit of an enigma when it came to company legacy. Rebellious couldn't be the right word considering his parents never really minded about what he would become (they did have the extremely ambitious to the point of it being slightly terrifying younger daughter). Hyunjin was destined for greatness though. The entire Hwang family was. To your astonishment, even the family dog had his own fanpage.

Hyunjin had cemented himself in the art industry, having gone to a special arts high school and studied painting in Paris for a few years. His artwork sold in the millions, and their relevance was extremely pertinent to everyday life. A part of you marveled about how you even came to become friends with such extraordinary people when you were just the opposite of that, bland and normal.

You first met Hyun-jee in boarding school, you with a scholarship and starry eyes and Hyun-jee with her father's massive paycheck and worldly wisdom that rivaled that of the oldest ahjumma's. It was an international one, meaning that the medium of speaking was almost entirely English. You could have taken Korean as well, of course, but you opted for French instead. That was when you met Hyun-jee, the dorm arrangements being set according to the second language chosen.

Hyun-jee shone as bright as a star but she never made that cover your light. If anything, she amplified it to an incredible degree. Being friends with her wasn't slavery (as popularized by fiction), but instead it was earth-shaking, revolutionary and the most brilliant thing to happen.

Ah, fourteen year old minds.

But really, Hyun-jee was a friend you would always cherish, having been extremely close to her even after graduation. Every first day of school, you two would curl up in the couch of your common room and start telling each other all about your wild summers.

You knew, of course, about Hyun-jee's brother, but she rarely brought him up. He was a slightly sensitive topic in your friendship and you knew why. All you knew was that he liked painting and was a year older than Hyun-jee.

To be completely honest, not only were you Hyun-jee's best friend, you were also probably her first and only close friend. People had a tendency to get close with Hyun-jee just to take advantage of her family. Nine out of ten times, that was girls who wanted to date Hyunjin.

Hyun-jee loved you for being completely unaware about who she was until after you met her. Not being a South Korean native, you had no idea who the Hwang family was. The only member you did personally know was Hwang Hyun-jee, future CEO. Except to you, she was nearly a sister. She was the girl who snorted milk out of her nose while laughing, owned practically a shrine dedicated to Michael B. Jordan and had the most awful bed head. You saw a Hyun-jee that she only showed to two people in this world: you and Hyunjin.

━━━━━━━✦✗✦━━━━━━━━

All that ambiguity was about Hyunjin was about to change however, that junior year of high school. It was the first day of school and you were waiting for Hyun-jee to be dropped off near the school gates. This time though, it wasn't her old driver but someone a lot younger pulling up to the school front.

Hyun-jee opened the door and practically flew into your arms, causing a giggle to arise from your mouths and the both of you slightly stumbling backwards. Behind her, you heard a throat clear.

"Your bags, miss?" came an overly exaggerated tone of what you assumed was a male.

"Oh, piss off Hyunjin," snapped Hyun-jee, straightening her school uniform and letting go of you. She quickly introduced you both to each other. Hyunjin offered his hand and, your brain must have been on autopilot because your hand smoothly grabbed his without a hitch.

Your mind, however, was a mess.

Hyunjin was absolutely gorgeous. You could tell why so many women (and some men) pined over him. His then blonde hair fell into his eyes and he had a literal, a literal twinkle in his eyes. You probably just imagined it, but when your hand grabbed his, you felt a shock coursing through (although in hindsight it was probably just static electricity). He was attractive, yes, but you wouldn't really call it a crush, per se. It was more of a 'hey. you're good looking.' type of situation, not a 'i have envisioned our entire future together pls marry me.' kind of situation.

That was, until, Hyun-jee invited you (well, more forced by her parents to invite you) to spend the summer before senior year at her family's ski resort.

Hyunjin made you feel like you were glowing, like you were the only person in the room. If Hyun-jee amplified your brightness, Hyunjin captured it, understanding you in a way nobody else did.

While Hyun-jee was off skiing and being athletic, you and Hyunjin spent hours locked in the library. Sometimes, you sat in silence. Other times, you talked about everything under the sun, from classical literature and Jane Austen to cat videos and singing to Taylor Swift.

Being a huge bookworm yourself, you adored the concerningly large labyrinth which they called a  library housed in their lodge. Hyunjin would paint on a chair with him and his easel facing you as you would lounge on the sofa, poring over yet another thick, hard bound novel. Then, you would pass that book to Hyunjin, who would also read it, giving you both a topic of conversation.

You were never bitter towards Hyun-jee for leaving you behind with Hyunjin while she took classes and taught classes at the local ice rink and snow hill. She always was better left outside than cooped up inside, unlike you and Hyunjin who were ambiverted to a fault and short-circuited if outdoors for too long.

In fact, you were thankful for it. If Hyun-jee hadn't been gone long enough for you and Hyunjin to have some time together, you never would have experienced falling in love with him. If that is what it was.

Your relationship never blossomed into something more than soft smiles and knowing glances, even the occasional (and never accidental, at least on your part) brush of fingers being constrained and a rare occurrence. Even though you weren't sure if Hyunjin had such feelings towards you, you both knew that there was a line you couldn't cross.

Still, your brain romanticized all of it. Being in love with you best friend's brother, secluded moments in a library... it really was turning into an 'i have found a wedding dress. get a ring. we are already mentally married.' cacophony of feelings. Paired with the snowy backdrop of the mountains and Hyunjin more often than not offering you his hoodie, you were, to put it mildly, in heaven.

"Hey, do you want to make hot chocolate or bake something? I'm not really getting inspiration to paint and..." Hyunjin just waved his arm around, trailing off and looking at you with hopeful eyes.

The lodge had a personal chef who could whip something up at just a sentence. He knew that. You knew that. You grinned at him, "Okay. Let's do it."

The two of you worked your way up to the private kitchen (the shock you felt and finding out they had two kitchens was so comical that Hyun-jee even recorded it). Baking with Hyunjin was terrifying. By the end of it, you had flour all over you, Hyunjin having icing on his cheek. The end result was delicious but very off-putting looking cupcakes.

While Hyunjin busied himself with cleaning, you swiped your thumb across the icing that had laid base on his face (conveniently missing the tissues practically staring at you).

Hyunjin turned his head to look at you in surprise, eyebrows scrunched and cheeks puffed. "I'm sorry," you stammered, "There was icing and-"

"No," he laughed, "It's not that. Your hands are really cold. I thought I was doing a good job of keeping you warm."

A small pout formed on his face as he motioned to take your hands. You obliged and he rubbed them for a bit, humming along to some pop song that was trending. As he was doing so, you nearly bore a hole into the floor with tour eyes, trying (and hopefully succeeding) in hiding the massive blush threatening to creep onto your face.

That night, Hyun-jee asked you nonchalantly, "Is something going on between you and my brother?"

While the question might have seemed like an innocent one, you knew the venom and pain behind it. Your thoughts were only confirmed by her usage of the terminology 'my brother', instead of just his name.

You were laying down on her bed, bile rising in your throat. Love or friendship? The thoughts in your head collided, crashing into each other like a tsunami. Hyun-jee had been there for you your entire time in Korea, caring for you like you were her own blood. Hyunjin had only known you for a few weeks but made you feel like the only girl in the world.

Your conflicting feelings towards both your situations gnawed and twisted at you like a thorn bush, scratchy weeds clawing at you and desperately awaiting respite. All it would take to get rid of that awful feeling would be one sentence of confirmation or otherwise.

Hyun-jee made eye contact with you through the mirror as she brushed her hair. "Well?" she prompted, slightly impatiently.

You rolled over onto your stomach, eyes locked onto hers. "Hm? Sorry I couldn't hear you. Nope, we're just friends, if you can even call it that." You shrugged at her and she shot you a grateful smile, eyes full of relief. Your stomach, on the other hand, was tangled up in knots that felt painfully similar to the knots that had wound their way into your heart.

Hyunjin didn't see you in the library again.

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The irony of your situation, looking back was, well... ironic. Of the three months that you spent with the Hwang family, half of it went in trying to spend as much time with Hyunjin as possible and the other half went in avoiding him at all costs.

You were never a hopeless romantic, not really. You knew what love practically looked like, and that it wasn't perfect. If it was, then the phrase wouldn't be something as harsh as falling in love, would it? However, one thing that you constantly chided yourself about was the importance of first love.

You placed first love on a pedestal higher than anything else. You were extremely meticulous about it though. You were frighteningly determined to experience the most perfect first love one ever could, tailored to your desires. Falling in love with Hyunjin, however, was not part of the plan.

Falling in love with Hyunjin was like breathing. It came so naturally, as if it was always there but couldn't be shaken off as soon as you noticed it. It felt inevitable, it felt like life was giving you another reason to live in the form of a soft-spoken artistic boy who had a penchant for dyeing his hair.

It was so extremely easy too. How could it not be? The way his eyes crinkled in the sides when he smiled and high pitched laugh were sensations that you would pay anything to relive. The way his eyes never left you when you passionately (and sometimes violently) gesticulated about your favorite books, the way he somehow understood what you were communicating his way even without you verbalizing it, made you realize that no one had ever quite made you feel this way.

'This way', being, feeling excited at just the mere thought at knowing that you were inhaling the same air as them. Small firecrackers igniting in your stomach at just the thought of seeing them. Feeling like you would simultaneously combust and drown if you couldn't be with them.

You often lied to yourself though. No, it wasn't love. Just a passing crush, was your mantra, repeated over and over again in your head until you almost believed it. Almost. A passing crush wouldn't entail not being able to concentrate on anything apart from Hyunjin when he was in front of you. A passing crush wouldn't cause you to look at him when he thought you weren't, in an attempt to memorize his features, capture every moment and seal it in an imaginary locket.

The reason why you made yourself think these thoughts were because you were unraveling. The realization that your first love did not love you back, not even a little bit (or so you thought) crashed down all your ideals about romance. The you that existed back then was positive that you would never, ever, love again. If the person you had first fallen in love with couldn't fall in love with you, then how could anyone else?

Of course, compared to your life now, such issues felt trivial. Right? Then why did you still have such a hard time forming romantic attachments? Why was your self-esteem when it came to be loved was in the gallows, rotting in the negatives?

It wasn't Hyunjin's fault, it never was in your head. It was the causation and effect of your own fucked up idolization of falling in love for the first time. You had so profoundly accepted the notion of first love being unforgettable that you only assumed it to be positive, not even thinking about how you would grapple with the situation if it were negative.

Maybe if you did, you would learn and grow from every failed romance that you would have, all up until you found 'the one', even if it was just for that moment. But you didn't. Instead, you had grown such a clawing and deafening fear of rejection that you refused to fall in love at all.

Somedays, the loneliness would get to you. The day Hyun-jee announced to you that she officially had a girlfriend, you were happy, immensely so, but a part of you just... broke. Going to parties and dinners and even just staying in with your friends meant that you had to witness all the small things about love that you would never experience.

Your friends and their significant others were never obvious around you. They weren't constantly touching each other and making comments about their undying love for each other. But even those tiny actions, the little aspects, didn't go unnoticed by you.

The small smile of affection on one's face at anything the other did, an entire conversation passing through just a glance, the featherweight touches that probably had a heavier meaning that you would ever know - all of this was just something you could vicariously experience through the people in love all around you.

Maybe, if you weren't such a coward, you would be in love right now too, instead of wallowing in despair and the trenches of missing out.

On the last day of your stay at the Hwang lodge, you went to the library to see Hyunjin one last time. For seeking some sort of closure? Probably. For seeing Hyunjin one last time and committing his features and mannerisms, anything and everything that made up him to memory? Definitely.

You had pushed the doors open softly, letting out a shaky breath and attempting to still your restless legs. Hyunjin was hard at work behind a large canvas, propped up on a wooden easel. His arm furiously brushed against the canvas, angry strokes slapping against the medium of artwork.

He didn't notice you, continuing his work, until you cleared your throat. "Hi," you said uncertainly. Hyunjin looked at you in perplexation, like a deer caught in headlights. Quickly turning around his easel and regaining his composure, he motioned for you to take a seat on the couch.

You took him in, the light streaming in from the large window bathing him in cold sunlight that glinted off the snow. He looked like he wasn't human. It hit you, the absurdity of it all. If there was one word you would use to describe Hwang Hyunjin, it would be human.

He captured humanity within him in the sweetest form possible. He wasn't the blueprint, not by any means; he could be petty, overly dramatic and had a bit of a temper. But he was kind-hearted, constantly curious and overwhelmingly empathetic. He was so perfectly imperfect that it was incredible to you how someone like him could be a product of society as cruel as this.

"I leave in a few weeks," he said almost ponderingly, breaking a silence that hung between the two of you that was, for the first time, uncomfortable.

"If you want, I can get you something," he enunciated. You knew there were several unsaid words on his end; there were some on yours as well. But you had almost no indication about what they could possibly be, and were itching to know what they were.

"We can't- we can't be friends," you blurted out.

Hyunjin's expression was one of expectation. So he knew this was coming. He sat down next to you and let out a resounding sigh.

"I know. I'll send you something from Paris anyways," he lightly responded, attempting to liven up the mood. You just raised a shoulder and the two of you sat there for what felt like hours. Finally, you got up and made your way to the door. But before that, you stopped.

"Do you mind if I see what you were painting?"

Hesitantly, Hyunjin turned the easel around. You were met with absolutely nothing, just splashes of water all over the canvas.

"Artist's block," he said matter-of-factly.

You nodded as if you understood, even though you didn't and walked out the door with a, "Thank you. I'm sorry."

Head hung in shame, you took a step outside. You were about to step out when a voice called out to you, "It was nice, to pretend. Even if it was just for a while."

You turned to give him a wry smile, "Thank you for making summer fun for me."

He would understand what you told him. You knew he would. But that didn't mean it wouldn't hurt. That was the last time you had ever physically seen Hwang Hyunjin, ever spoken to him.

He never sent you anything from Paris.

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While you wished that your relationship with Hyunjin would be one for the romcoms, your relationship with Hyun-jee was definitely one for the situational comedies. The rich girl becoming best friends with the new scholarship student? Cable TV viewer gold.

If you were being completely honest, the first time you met Hyun-jee you did find her a little bit stuck up. The two of you had to end up being friends though. Studying the same language, French, meant that she was your roommate for the four years you would spend at that high school (unbeknown to you then, she would spend another five years as your roommate in university).

Seeing Hyun-jee walk into the dorm room, decked in designer clothes and lugging a large suitcase behind her, was enough to demolish your self-confidence. The sight made you feel extremely self-conscious about your jeans, which were sporting gravy stains, and the mud brown sweater vest which your mother simply insisted you must buy.

All your fear disappeared, however, when one of Hyun-jee's heels (Dior!) caught on the edge of the living room carpet. She collapsed onto it, placing her palms face down to avoid hitting her face. She looked up at you.

"Hi, I'm Hyun-jee. I would shake your hand, but this is the unfortunate circumstance of letting my mother style me for the first day of school."

You laughed and offered her your hand and she held onto it, steadying to her feet. You gave her your name and a once-over to make sure she wasn't hurt. Then when you finally looked into her eyes, the two of you burst into laughter over the farcical situation that had just taken place. You both were wheezing by the end of your solid ten minute fit of laughter, laying on the couch in contorted positions and trying to catch your breath. Her eye caught yours, just setting of another bout of giggles.

You two had been inseparable ever since.

Hyun-jee wasn't as perfect as she was made out to be, and she had no shame in it. If she had the choice, she would go everywhere in her pajamas. She was horrible at Math and made fun of the World History teacher you both shared, convinced he was a Freemason. Hyun-jee was as human as one could get.

Even her parents were quite natural around you, or at least the cookies her mother sent everywhere which she and Hyun-jee baked made it seem that way. Hyun-jee was always sensitive when it came to the topic of her family. She skirted around it when it was a topic of conversation as if it was poison.

It wasn't that she had a bad relationship with them; she adored her family. She just seemed extremely uncomfortable about the topic, so you never really pried, instead regaling her with stories about your two younger sisters, parents and lineage of goldfish with abnormally high mortality rates.

There was moment in your life when you understood the gravity of just how alone people like Hyun-jee was in this world. You had noticed, that despite being extremely well-known and friendly with everyone, Hyun-jee could only call you her friend. On the other hand, you weren't at all as well known as Hyun-jee but had multiple friends.

That moment was at this end of the year party your academy was hosting to celebrate the end of exams. The upperclassmen were planning to go to another location, without teachers for an afterparty, but you had convinced Hyun-jee against attending it. She always had been the risk taker in your friendship.

You were walking around, checking off your social pleasantries. Light shone in the big auditorium and you swished around your floral flock. You caught Hyun-jee rejecting yet another poor guy (too bad he didn't know she was gay), and laughed a little to yourself. Even at fourteen, Hyun-jee had model-like looks. Probably because she inherited them.

You were lost in the moment of it all, entranced by the fact that you were even standing here. Coming to this prestigious international academy was your dream. It would kickstart your scientific career, which, back then, only revolved around discovering something incredible and winning a Nobel Peace Prize.

You came from an extremely mundane family. Middle class, living in a different country in a three bedroom apartment. Both of your parents worked in software engineering, and while you loved them for it, you couldn't help but find it slightly boring. You wanted to do something great, be someone great.

Hyun-jee must have walked over to you at some point in time when you hadn't noticed, because she laced her arms through the crook of your elbow and asked, "What's got you so concentrated, wife?"

Hyun-jee had a habit of jokingly calling you her wife, which you always entertained because why not? She had made it extremely clear that she would never date you, despite being romantically interested in women. "Eh, too nerdy," was her response when you asked why. She wasn't wrong though; if it wasn't for your 'nerdiness', you wouldn't be where you were.

You just shrugged in response to her question and turned to give her a smile. The expression you were met with gave you a bit of a surprise. For once in her life, Hwang Hyun-jee looked serious about something. Her normally mischievous eyes were now set in an unreadable expression.

"What is it?" you asked as the two of you headed to the buffet. Hyun-jee grabbed two plates, one for you and one for her, and proceeded to put a little bit of everything in her plate onto yours, despite you already having taken a lot.

She didn't give you a reply, instead opting to walk towards the table where you two had laid claim. You towed behind obediently, sitting down with a satisfied 'ah!' after having been standing for over an hour. You were digging into your food, relishing the taste of school food that was good for once (okay, that was a lie; your school actually gave you good food but that was only justified considering the insane costs).

"I was trying to figure out a way to say this but..." Hyun-jee's voice faltered.

Your glanced at her, finally looking up from your plate after eating like a starved, ravenous beast. Your eyes slightly widened. Did she not want to be friends with you anymore?

Hyun-jee took a visibly deep breath, "I just wanted to say thank you."

"Thank you for being my friend. I have never really had anyone to call my own. If anybody ever got close to me, it was just to take advantage of me or use me to gain access to my family. Especially when it comes to my brother that I mentioned, remember? Hyunjin. Guys aren't friends with me because they're intimidated by him and girls only become friends with me because they want to date him. All my life I have felt like nothing more than a porcelain doll, only valuable because I held the title of being a Hwang daughter. I was labelled before I was even born, I have had to wear that label, written all over myself with fake pride, even though it sickens me. That was until I met you though. As Disney cliché as it sounds, you not knowing anything about my family and treating me like a normal person has really made me feel seen this past couple of months. Thank you, Y/N, for being my friend. A real one."

Tears began streaming down your face and streaming down her face. Paired with the emotional word vomit that Hyun-jee had just placed before you and both of you being on your menstrual cycles, this was kind of bound to happen.

You reached over to give her hand a squeeze. You were unable to say anything, partly because you were choked up with emotion and mostly because you had stuffed an entire slice of chocolate cake into your mouth while Hyun-jee was in the middle of her monologue.

That was the day that you made sure to make Hyun-jee never feel used, and that started with keeping her family at a seven-foot man's arm's length.

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seven months before.

Needless to say, your friendship with Hyun-jee wasn't always perfect. One topic that often came up during arguments was stepping out of the house. Hyun-jee was naturally more extroverted whereas you preferred the comfort of your home.

You both came up with a plan to alternatively go out and stay in while you both were roommates in college and this practice continued well after Hyun-jee had graduated.

Hyun-jee had dragged you to this upper class, high profile party as her plus one. Her girlfriend was at her parents' home and Hyun-jee simply 'could not go alone or would combust'. Regret at deciding to attend university in Korea was palpable in you (but no where else would you get delicious kimchi).

Beads of sweat clung to your forehead as you surveyed your surroundings. The party was filled with almost-drunk socialites, foreshadowing business deals and gossiping with each other. You rarely attended such events with Hyun-jee; this was her circle, not yours. You always overthought every little interaction that you had with one of them, turning it over in your head millions of times.

Even at such an event taking place at a simple rooftop resto-bar, you spotted the occasional man wearing an entire three piece set and woman rocking an evening gown. You had confirmed with Hyun-jee about what the dress code was multiple times leading up to the event, not ready to lose face in front of such prestigious people. She kept reassuring you that it was 'casual'. Clearly, the upper class' definition of casual and yours were worlds apart.

You were wearing a black, tight crop top, white skirt and white jacket that was currently below your shoulders and in caught in the crook of your elbows. You had already fended off quite a few men approaching you with a look in their eyes which made you quite uncomfortable. Having excused yourself uncountable times using numerous excuses (you had to put use to the skills that you had picked up on as an ambivert), you decided to step out onto the open area to catch some fresh air.

You glanced at the cup in your hand, not knowing where it came from. It definitely looked alcohol though, and you sent a small glare towards the cup while you set it on the first surface that you could fine. You drank sometimes, but today you opted against it. You were going to be driving yourself home and knew that Hyun-jee was going to be wasted, having lost her a few minutes after entering the premises. 

You knew that Hyunjin was there too, and were uneasy at the prospect of seeing him again. After the ski lodge, you never really met him again. He had taken you phone number once while he dropped of you and Hyun-jee snowboarding while you were there at their lodge. You both rarely texted, never going beyond the cordial 'happy birthday's' and exchanging wishes during various holidays. He never questioned why you stopped coming to the library, just giving you an understanding nod when you linked arms with Hyun-jee and looked at him with guilt evident in you eyes.

Deciding to ditch whatever the hell this glorified adult frat party, you made your way to the front door when you caught sight of Hyunjin. He sat near the door, scrolling on his phone. He seemed as uninterested to be here as you were. His hair was black now, slightly wavy at the end. You knew that; of course you knew. You followed him on social media and witnessed his hair evolution, praying for his scalp while you did so.

"Hi Hyunjin," you said hesitantly. Hyunjin glanced at you, surprise evident in his face while his eyes scanned yours, "I was just about to head out. I thought I'd stop by and say hello."

"Oh, you're leaving?" he questioned in a tone of confusion laced with something else. Recognition, maybe. "Call me when you get home, so I know you're safe."

He must have noticed you expression of apprehension, because he quickly added, "So I can let Hyun-jee know when we drive home of course. I think she mentioned that we're driving to our parents house tonight."

You aren't shocked by his request, knowing how protective (and worried to death) he can be, but were taken aback at the fact that he did not want nothing to do with you. "I actually wasn't planning on going home," you told him.

At that, it was Hyunjin's turn to wear an expression of surprise. You drank in his features as you noticed the gears twisting in his head. He was thinking hard about something. Deciding that this was his way of dismissing you, you headed towards the door that led to the stairwell that would take you downstairs. Abruptly appearing beside you was Hyunjin, giving you a small tap on your shoulder.

He offered you a small smile. "Mind if I join you?"

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Hyunjin was probably at that party because of his presence in the art world. Something about his art always spoke to you, in ways the no other piece of media ever did. You always proudly reminisced about how Hyunjin showed you artwork that summer that he hadn't ever shown anyone else.

His artwork was capable of moving someone without words. You could nearly feel the emotion pouring out of him and onto his canvas. It was like his paintbrush was just an extension of himself. Everything, from the colours he used to the angle of his brushstrokes were calculated measures, all joining in the most radiant harmony of pure artwork.

After a small discussion of where to go, you both decided that it would be best to catch some fresh air and then proceed to go your separate ways. You both walked a little ways down to an old park.

You were still processing the entire situation, marveling at how on earth you managed to keep your cool the entire walk here. You both didn't say a word while on your way to the park, walking in silence. Hyunjin had his hands jammed into his pockets while you played with the strings of your jacket, curling them in and out.

That was when Hyunjin spotted a playset, smack dab in the middle of the aforementioned park.

"Come on," he squealed excitedly, "Let's go on the swing set."

You couldn't help but let out a burst of laughter. No 'hi' or 'how is life', but suggesting swing set antics instead? Gosh, he was so endearing. You both didn't really talk much, just exchanged giggles as you swung as high up as possible. Finally, after around ten minutes of swinging and one rendition of 'I Believe I Can Fly,' you both finally came down.

A part of you still loved him, didn't it?

It was dark, but you didn't really care. You were with Hyunjin and the area was known to be one of the safer, more-family centric parts of the city you lived in. You sat on the grass, knees brought up to your chest. Your arms wrapped around them while you closed your eyes, a small breeze whipping around you. It was strong enough to keep you cool yet gentle enough to not cause your hair to be similar in nature to that of a tornado.

Hyunjin observed you silently, leaning back on the grass with the help of his forearms. His legs were sprawled in front of him and he broke the silence with a casual, "How's life?"

You suppressed the urge to burst out into laughter. Imagine being asked by one of the hottest men you had ever seen, and had objectively been in love with for the longest, ask you 'how's life'. Adding to that, he was asking you the said question after suggesting that you both swing on a swing set.

"Fine, I guess. I'll be submitting my thesis, hopefully by the end of summer and then receive my doctorate," you replied, ignoring the rapid thumping in your chest.

You were not going to be held captive by a high school crush. You were so much better than that. You hadn't physically seen Hyunjin is over five years. He could have changed completely for all you knew. He could have had a girlfriend (which Hyun-jee would have told you about if that was the case, but you never know), maybe even a wife. And yet, that familiar feeling of wanting curled through your bones, engulfing you.

The two of you started talking about your lives, him as a painter and you as a final year PhD student.

"Hmm," he hummed in contemplation to something you had said, "You know, I always liked your company more then Hyun-jee's. Don't tell her though." He had mischievous look in his eyes and a smirk on his lips, eliciting a laugh from within you and bringing back a memory you had forgotten.

You were still slightly awed by the fact that the Hwang Hyun-jee invited you to spend summer with her. At a ski lodge. A fricking ski lodge! The shocking revelation that you could be considered cool enough to hang out with her and her brother were the thoughts in your head as you stared at the copy of Emma in your hands, pretending to read the text.

Beside you, you could hear the steady scratching of pencil against paper, interrupted only by the symphony of an eraser rubbing against the sheet. This little orchestra playing next to you was evidence of Hyunjin's existence, an art in itself if anyone asked you.

"You should teach me French," he asks you out of the blue, "For when if leave to go to Paris."

You look at him inquisitively. He told you that he got accepted into art school in Paris a few days ago. You did feel sad about the fact that he was going, but deep down you knew very well that practically, after this summer your interactions with Hyunjin would be few and far in between.

"You have Hyun-jee, she can teach you. If, that is, you can put up with her," you retort teasingly.

Hyunjin gives you a sly smirk, "That's exactly why I was asking you. I think I'll like your style of teaching better. And so, I want you to please, please, please teach me French."

You had no idea where this sudden newfound confidence to flirt with Hyunjin had bloomed within you but, oh well, you only live once. "Do you want me teaching you, or just me in general?"

"Ah," he said shaking his head regretfully with a smile, "Even though you have only known me for a few weeks, you already know me too well."

Butterflies ignite in your stomach, although you're pretty sure he was just playing along with you. You wonder what he's sketching, his bottom lip caught between his teeth and his eyes set in concentration. Even though you have a feeling it isn't, you sincerely hope it's you.

You don't know that your hopeful assumption was true.

A tightening in you chest starts to grow when the topic shifts to love. Earlier, talking to Hyunjin about love used to come as easy walking on your two feet. Now, it just hurts. He asked you if you were seeing someone. You promptly replied in the negative. You asked him if he was seeing someone. He reflected your answer back onto you.

But what did it really mean? You were always going to be bound in this life by that unspoken oath you made to Hyun-jee all those years ago. It wasn't even about love anymore, it was about not breaking another person's trust, a person who you held closer to your heart than most of your family.

You started thinking though. What was the point of hiding your feelings, old or not, from Hyunjin any longer? It wasn't like you could act on it, but you may as well have told him. Maybe then a huge weight from your chest would be released and you wouldn't be shackled by commitments, things you felt you owed to both of them.

"I don't think you know this but," your expression suddenly changed, "I used to have the biggest crush on you that summer."

"Used to?" At this point, Hyunjin is sitting up straight, eyeing you curiously. You roll your eyes and give him a playful slap on his arm. His expression, however, turns into one of regret. You begin to feel remorseful about telling him, paranoia settling in and molding itself into the fabric of who you were.

"That's a shame," he says quietly.

The air changes, charged with something you can't quite place. Hyunjin holds eye contact with you, unsaid words coursing through them. You never really believed in the phrase 'the eye is the window to the soul', but right now, you were terrified of whatever the hell your eyes were revealing to him right now. Hyunjin then proceeds to utter something, something so capable of infusing you with poisoned hope, that it takes your breath away.

"I think I would have loved loving you."

Time has stopped. Feelings of desperation, annihilation and most importantly, temptation, cascade in a whirlpool inside you. It had been years. This was wrong. This was the universe dangling temptation in front of you, urging you to just take a bite. Rebelliously, you wondered, what if you were selfish for one? Why were you feeling this way now?

"I think I would have loved being loved by you," you whisper back. Hyunjin's hand laces through yours and gives it a little squeeze in response.

That is when it dawns on you that Hyunjin is as confined in this matter as you, if not more. Hyun-jee is his sister for God's sake; whatever guilt you felt in wanting him, he must have felt tenfold in wanting you. You know exactly what the little squeeze he gave you signifies: It will pass. If it cannot be, it will cease.

And you know it's true because you and Hyunjin can never be 'us' or 'we' as long as you were present in this reality. You wished there was a universe somewhere, a parallel reality when Hyunjin and you were considered of one breath because to breath you would need him like oxygen.

Judging by his expression, he must have been drifting in thought about that too.

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Hyunjin was a hopeless romantic. Everyone he knew was painfully aware of that. He romanticized love in all it's aspects and yearned for it like a prerequisite for living. His standards were obnoxiously high though, and he had never met anyone even close to reaching them.

The thing was, Hyunjin didn't have high standards when it came to a romantic partner. He had high standards in what to expect during a relationship with said partner. Having never been in love himself, he could only witness it through other's experiences.

Until he had met you.

The first time he had seen you, you seemed unremarkable. Not in a rude way, of course, it was just that nothing about you really stood out to him that way. Hyunjin was a firm advocate of 'love at first sight' not being a logical concept. How on earth could you love someone without intertwining the fibers of being that made you with the strands of life that made them?

But then, when you walked into their hauntingly large ski lodge, your face full of wonder, Hyunjin felt an overwhelming calling of entrapping that moment forever. Your expression was so pure that is caught him off guard. He forgot what it was like to see some genuinely enjoy something. That night, he was sitting on his bed sketching something without any clear intention. The end result bore an uncanny resemblance to you.

Soon enough, the two of you began to spend exponentially increasing amounts of time together. Hyunjin was quite introverted, which was in stark contrast to the rest of his family. His mother used to also like spending her time in a lot, but nearly twenty five years of marriage to his father had definitely worn off on her.

The first time you stumbled into the library, you had audibly gasped. Hyunjin peered up, only his eyes visible, the rest of his face covered by the easel. When he saw that it was you, a small smile broke across his face and he sent you a wave, striking up a conversation with you and inviting you to sit down with him.

Hyunjin even knew exactly when realized that he had fallen in love with you. It was around a month into your three month stay with them. You were on the couch, laying down on your belly and Hyunjin was on a bean bag, munching on popcorn. You had a blanket covering you and a book in your hand, but your eyes stayed on Hyunjin as you both talked.

"I have a question," asked Hyunjin in between his mouthful of popcorn.

You rolled over into a position of sitting, legs crossed underneath you. "Before you ask, my interpretation of the meaning of life is pining for Michael B. Jordan against all odds. Blame Hyun-jee for forcing his movies down my throat and coming to me about her daily rants about how he is the only exception to her sexuality and how she would elope with him in a heartbeat."

Hyunjin shook his head with a laugh and passed you the bowl of popcorn. Having been on the receiving end of the conversation one too many times himself, he could quote Michael B. Jordan's monologue from Black Panther nearly perfectly.

"What I actually wanted to ask was whether or not you're happy with what you plan on studying in the future," Hyunjin asked curiously. You always avoided the topic of this, reiterating your love for Science time and again but always talking about how you planned on taking an English course on the side while in university.

At his question, your face fell a little bit. "Oh, well," you said sadly, "Truthfully, not really. But it's what my parents want me to do. I figured that if I did what they wanted me to do, then my sisters could be given a little more freedom at what they wanted to do."

Hyunjin's lips slightly parted, turning over your words in his head. Your selflessness really hit home, especially when he was so extremely selfish. He suddenly felt like he didn't belong to even be in your presence, and yet cherished it nonetheless.

"I have always been so adamant about becoming an artist that I never thought that it could lead to Hyun-jee potentially thinking that she doesn't have an option other than taking over the company," fell Hyunjin's confession from his lips. His eyes swirled with shame.

"If I'm being honest, she might have felt that way initially, but she truly loves the business Hyunjin," you told him comfortingly.

"You're a good person," he whispered to you softly.

"I'm not," you laughed condescendingly, "I'm really not."

Hyunjin's heart broke when those words flew out of your mouth. He wished he saw yourself at the standard that he did. But his heart pieced back together when he realized that he loved you. The realization dawned upon him when it hit him that your laugh, in no matter which context, seemed to lull him like a siren's call and draw him towards.

Later that day, Hyunjin called up seven of his closest friends to lament about his unfortunate predicament. He had all the textbook symptoms: gazing at you when you didn't notice, making up excuses just to be close to you and turning a fire hydrant reminiscent shade or red whenever he was near you (to the point where you would often end enquiring about his health).

"You are down bad in love," declared Changbin over the phone. Hyunjin decided against telling him that he had self-diagnosed himself before seeking anyone else's consul.

Hyunjin wasn't blind either though. He knew you felt something towards and although he couldn't quite pinpoint whether is bordered on love or like, he was quite content with simply knowing. It was extremely evident to him, in the way you began stuttering when he started flirting with you and the blush that would creep up your neck (albeit less pathetically obvious as his) when his fingers would accidentally or otherwise brush against yours.

He knew though, that blushes and wandering eyes was all your relationship ever could be.

He loved you, but by extension he loved his sister more. The night she came home to him, eyes puffy from crying and making him swear that he would never date one of her friends in the occasion that she ever did make a real one.

In that moment, Hyunjin made an oath encased in salty tears and bruised emotions that would haunt him for the rest of his life.

When you stopped coming to the library to squander away your time with Hyunjin, he knew he should have expected it. If you hadn't initiated the distance, then he would have been the one to do so, knowing it to be imperative when Hyun-jee questioned him on the nature of the both of yours's relationship.

He couldn't create anything, however. It was like your presence was what gave him the patience and creativity to actually go through with fishing a piece of art. He was frightened to death at the prospect of never being able to make something again if you weren't there.

Slowly, he realized that that wasn't actually the case. He could still paint, still draw, because he found love and emotions in so many other places.

Hyunjin found love in the way dewdrops beaded flowers, he found love in the cobblestoned alleyways of Paris and in the steaming mug of Americano he would drink every morning. He came to understand that he could pull inspiration from any love, romantic or otherwise.

But all of them paled in comparison to the love he held for you.

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five months before.

You were lounging in Hyun-jee and her girlfriend, Reina's apartment, which was practically your second home. The three of you went to the same university, one of the most prestigious in Seoul, and were quite a formidable trio. Hyun-jee was studying in business school, you were studying bio-chemistry and Reina was a lawyer in the making.

People had a tendency to stay away from the three of you.

You were sitting cross-legged on the floor of their apartment, back resting against the leather couch. Reina was in the shower and Hyun-jee scrolled on her phone. You gazed at the blank wall, completely zoning out from reality.

"Oh," Hyun-jee said with a small smirk, "Hyunjin is coming over."

You tried to hide your surprise and anticipation. Excitement brewed a sickly solution within you as Hyun-jee caught your eye and sent a wink your way, signaling that she would be teasing her brother mercilessly upon his arrival.

Her grin faltered, however, when she her eyes went to her screen which lit up with yet another text message, presumably from Hyunjin.

"Oh. He's bringing a girl."

At that, you jerked your head up to Hyun-jee's, leaving your task of picking at your nails behind. She just gave you a shrug, indicating that she had no idea about any of this either. You studied Hyun-jee's reaction to this carefully. If anything she seemed unfazed.

Jealousy and anger pooled within you. You wished that it was you who Hyunjin was bringing, which was absolutely absurd because you were already in Hyun-jee's apartment. The girl he was bringing would probably be beautiful. At least, far more than you.

In the events that followed leading up to Hyunjin's arrival, you were halfway here and halfway not. Reina had come out of the shower, Hyun-jee had ordered some food, Reina had put on a movie, Hyun-jee had given her a kiss; everything happened around you presently, but you yourself weren't present.

Oh. He's bringing a girl.

You resorted to biting your lip anxiously, drawing blood even. Ah well. Small problems compared to the things people have to face all over the world on the daily. But it should have been duly noted that your small problems felt gigantic to you.

Sighing and attempting to kill time, you decided to be extremely unproductive and watch a romcom. They really did help make up for the lack of romance in your life (as if). Eventually, however, you got bored and instead switched your screen to watch a zombie movie.

You were sitting on one of the three barstools that lined the marble island countertop. Your hands were propped up on your elbows and you had managed to precariously balance your phone against a jar of strawberry jam.

You heard the doorbell ring amidst the screams coming from your earphones. Quickly stuffing away your phone in your pocket in the name of courtesy, you cupped your chin with your hand.

Reina went to open the door and in waltzed Hyunjin in all his glory followed by, yep, only the most drop dead gorgeous woman you had ever seen.

He quickly made introductions, introducing her as Ellie. You avoided Hyunjin's eyes like the plague as you offered her a smile that you hoped looked genuine because it most certainly was not.

Ellie was extremely sweet. She even brought cookies. Ellie laughed and smiled and made herself feel comfortable. You laughed and smiled and contemplated what life would be like in jail if you committed murder.

You couldn't help it. Jealousy came to you in waves inhibiting your sense of everything and clouding your judgement. You hoped the scowl on your face wasn't obvious as you offered to go bring plates for the pizza in an attempt to excuse yourself from the conversation taking place.

"Oppa," nudged Hyun-jee, "Go help her."

Hyunjin stood up and approached you the way one approached a hungry tiger. His smile was warm and inviting but his eyes reflected well deserved caution. He attempted at making conversation with you but you only answered with nods and hums.

Eventually, he just gave up and sat on a bar stool sprinkling seasoning over the freshly delivered pizza. "I'm surprised you got your girlfriend here," you broke the silence, the snark in your voice painfully audible.

"Why?" Hyunjin's eyes trailed up from his tedious task and surveyed you carefully.

"Well, after our conversation that night..."

Irritation flashed in Hyunjin's eyes. "Not all of us can pine over someone we know we can never be with," he huffed.

You blinked for a second, something suspiciously wet prickling the depths of your eyes. What? To him, this might have been just a casual passing comment. To you, this was venom, seeping into your heart and poisoning it.

"Maybe if I didn't have unreasonably high standards of love, I would be better at holding onto it," you rebutted harshly without even thinking about the consequences of what you had said.

Hyunjin's face wore the undeniable expression of shock. In the heat of the moment, you felt almost angry at him. How could he say something so cruel and not expect you to give a befitting reply in return?

Then, the effect of your entire conversation weighed upon you. Gasping at your insolence, you turned around and felt a drop of water slide down the side of your cheek. You wondered if Hyunjin's eyes became a catchment area for tears the way yours did, pushing violently to be let out in a torrent.

Afterwards, you barely spoke to anyone. Quickly eating a slice of the unfortunately delicious pizza, you cited sickness as a reason to not be a present of the lovely and suicidal thought inducing situation you were stuck in.

Making a mental note to ask Hyun-jee where she ordered the pizza from, you headed home, thinking and over thinking your conversation with Hyunjin. The entire scene replayed in your head multiple times but one thought was annoyingly persistent: You went from loving Hyunjin, to somewhat professing said love for him, to giving him very, very good reason to despise you.

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the day of.

Hyun-jee was finally turning a year older and after spending her last six birthdays in the comfort of only you and Reina, this year she was planning a lavish one week beach getaway. All her closest friends were coming which honestly wasn't a lot: just you, Hyunjin, Reina and one of Hyun-jee's cousin's and her boyfriend.

You hoped that tensions would be alleviated between you and Hyunjin considering that you both hadn't communicated a word to each other since the mini argument you both had five months ago. Surprisingly enough, Hyunjin broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks ago, after only a short two months of dating.

You gulped in fear at the thought of you and Hyunjin being the only single people on the trip. Mustering up courage nonetheless, you sat in the taxi that was taking you on the way to the resort lobby where you would meet the others.

Sitting in the car, you decided to try and get some more writing for dissertation done. You already had all your research and citations compiled; all you had to do was type it all up and submit it. Hell, you even had your thoughts in order, but every time you opened up that blank document and watched the cursor blinking at you, all your motivation vanished into thin air.

Not wanting to put yourself through any more torture, you decided to open up your phone and scroll aimlessly through social media. The thought of a beach getaway excited you. After working to death's end for the last few months, you knew you had earned a well deserved break.

When the taxi pulled up to the resort, you got out and closed your eyes at the salty breeze that hit your face. You didn't care that the wind blowing around did not, in fact, make your hair look like it was in a shampoo commercial and instead made it look like the individual strands were having a seizure. The cool air was a welcome contrast to the stuffy interior of the airplane and subsequent taxi you had taken to get here.

You walked into the large reception lobby, trying not to gasp at the sight in front of you. Large potted plants lined the walkway with a humongous fountain of an angel in the middle. Golf carts whizzed around you and servers carrying bottles of champagne and rose offered you kind smiles.

Noticing that Hyun-jee and the other's had just arrived then, you raced up to her, lugging your suitcase behind you. Hyun-jee face lit up as soon as she saw you. Throwing her hands around your neck and pulling you in for a hug, the two of you giggled after she stumbled on a stray pebble. Giving everyone else a warm grins and nods, your eyes met Hyunjin and he offered you a tight smile in acknowledgement.

This was going to be a long week.

Hyun-jee walked up to the receptionist to ask for all of yours's rooms. While she was busy with that, you took out your phone and clicked pictures of everything. You never really posted pictures like these (or any in general), rarely ever active on sites like Instagram unless the occasion called for obsessive internet stalking (which you were questionably amazing at). Instead, you sent all these pictures to your sisters, mostly to make them feel jealous because that was a very older sibling-like thing to do.

Snorting at your youngest sister's almost instantaneous response, which was a string of emojis containing mostly eye-roll emojis, you didn't notice Hyun-jee walk back to the group. You noticed the worried expression on her face, taking in her knitted eyebrows. She had been spending a lot of time sorting out the reservation with the receptionist.

"Guys, I'm really sorry but turns out I forgot to reserve the rooms and I'm so sorry and-"

"Breathe, Hyun-jee," Hyunjin cut her off and placed his hand on her right shoulder.

Hyun-jee took a deep breath, the guilt simmering in her eyes. She sneaked a quick glance at you for reassurance and you notedly obliged, shooting her a thumbs up.

Hyun-jee was nothing short of a perfectionist. Lately, she had been spending literal days at her office, wrapping up an important business deal. Always having everything planned, always knowing the exact details of everything was something she prided herself on.

"So- so here's the thing. I have booked three rooms right now which are on the same floor. Two of them have one bedroom and the third-" Hyun-jee slowly glanced at you and Hyunjin, "And the third is one room but with two beds."

Oh, so then you would still be able to stay here. Perfect. Oh. You would have to share a room with Hyunjin.

Hyun-jee looked at the both of you nervously, gauging your reactions. You hadn't told her about your petty little conversation with Hyunjin and assumed that he hadn't either. His eyes widened with shock and met yours, but a wave of understanding passed through the both of you: you would tolerate it because it was Hyun-jee's birthday and she was the priority here.

"Is that okay?" Hyun-jee stuttered softly.

Reina had walked over to Hyun-jee and wrapped her arms around her waist. Hyun-jee's cousin, Byeol, assured her that the arrangement was just fine.

Not wanting to worry Hyun-jee further, Hyunjin hastily replied, "Yes, yes, of course."

You spared him a glance before your eyes went to Hyun-jee's once again, and with a smile you hoped did not look stressed, you added on, "Yep. I mean, it's just a week, isn't it?"

Hyun-jee let out a sigh of relief and reached out to give your hand a squeeze. Absentmindedly, you gave her a distracted smile. Your mind was on other things, Hwang Hyunjin and the prospect of sharing a room with him at the forefront of your long train of thought.

It would be fine, right? After all, there were two beds. And as absurd as the entire situation was, you had read enough romcoms and watched enough Hallmark movies to know that the real problems only began when there was just one bed. Which there wasn't. Unfortunately.

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Hyunjin had graciously offered you to take a shower first. Stripping bare, you felt the lukewarm water hit your skin as you went through the itinerary of the day ahead in your brain again.

1: Lunch at a cute rooftop restaurant that Hyun-jee had (for real this time), reserved.

2: Coming back to the resort get changed into your bathing suits.

3: Fulfilling the 'beach' part of the beach getaway.

4: Sleep, maybe.

5: Bonfire dinner!

You came out of the shower wearing tank tops and jeans shorts, a wet towel in your hand. Hyunjin strewn was on his bed (closer to the door), texting someone, or in his case, multiple someones. You assumed it was a group chat because the screen lit up with a notification numerous times.

The sight of Hyunjin biting his lip to stop himself from bursting out in laughter while wearing nothing but (at least you assumed it was nothing) a bathrobe did things to you that most definitely should not have been done.

For the sake of your sanity, you cleared you throat as a sign of banishing Hyunjin to the shower. He gave you a nod, grabbed his towel, and walked away. You let out a sigh and after hanging your towel on the balcony railing, dramatically fell onto your bed.

Hyunjin hadn't really told you much after you both entered the room. He only offered to let you shower first. You were brushing your hair and humming in partial contentment. You had resulted against washing your hair, knowing you would wash it again after coming back from the beach.

You're Taylor Swift album marathon was rudely, in you humble opinion, interrupted by the sound of a door opening. You were met, however, with an ethereal looking Hwang Hyunjin, fresh out of a shower. Beads of water hung to his neck and the tips of his hair. You were overcoming by an extremely concerning urge to lick them off.

Although Hyunjin was currently very aggressively wiping his hair with his towel, he had a smirk on his face, an obvious indication of him noticing you checking out. You looked away with a cough and a blush. Hyunjin fell onto his bed with an oomf and laid on his back while playing games on his phone.

You decided to break the ice wall erected between the two of you by blurting out, "I'm sorry for what I said that night. You didn't deserve to here any of that."

Hyunjin looked up from his phone in surprise. He studied you for a moment. Hyunjin finally broke the agonizing silence. "Likewise. I genuinely apologize for anything I may have said that night," he hesitated, "Does this mean that we can go back to normal?"

You gave him a small smile and a nod, although you knew just as well as him that there was no 'we' to go back to normal too.

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All throughout lunch, you failed at acknowledging the close proximity between you and Hyunjin. He sat next to you because, who was he to sit with somebody else's significant other? His thigh was pressed against yours and his fingers brushed yours over and over again.

"So, um, I heard about your breakup. How have you been holding up?" you asked. You wanted a gauge on how depressing your de facto roommate would act over the week.

"Oh," he responded nonchalantly, "I never really saw it as a relationship. We just weren't compatible at all."

Your brain processed his words as your eyes trailed the plate of seafood kebabs being brought to your table. You were in the process of eating one when Hyunjin added, "I think I might actually like someone else, and I'm not one for emotional cheating."

It's safe to say that the hot sauce you dipped the kebab in went down the wrong pipe.

After that tantalizingly long endeavor you had just undertaken, you were back in the comfort of your hotel room. You and Hyunjin decided that you would change in the bathroom while he would change in the actual room itself.

You had absolutely no intention of actually getting into the ocean water. It was getting late (yes, you considered three in the afternoon late) and you were not a big fan of swimming, despite having learnt it when you were younger. Your outfit was extremely simple, consisting of a sage green crop top, white long flowy skirt, a pair of sandals and finally a cute tote bag to store your camera, books and other essentials.

Stepping out of the bathroom, you did a little twirl to check if the skirt was spin worthy. Hyunjin watched you with a smile and give you a small clap after you were done. You blushed profusely, his existence somehow (?!) completely slipping from your mind.

"You look beautiful," said Hyunjin kindly with a wide smile.

"So do you," you replied breathlessly.

Hyunjin looked effortlessly attractive in a white button up that was half untucked and loose black pants. The first button was undone and you could see a shark bone necklace perfect encapsulated in the dip of his collarbone.

You were imagining how it would feel to run your fingers along it when Hyunjin asked, "Don't plan on swimming? I know I don't."

"Nope," you replied sheepishly as you both walked out the hotel door, "I actually have a fear of the ocean, as embarrassing as it sounds."

"It isn't embarrassing. I get nightmares about carrots," Hyunjin confessed with a shudder. You snickered at his words.

Hyunjin's hand lightly held your arm and guided you towards the right direction. The feel of his skin on yours completely wiped away your initial mortification at walking in the completely opposite direction.

He dropped your arm as spontaneously as he held it and you both stood awkwardly in the lobby, waiting for Hyun-jee and Reina. Byeol wasn't feeling well (she could come up with a better excuse) so her and her boyfriend went ahead with the decision of staying in.

The four of you walked out the resort in animated chatter. Being more of a listener yourself, you took a backseat as Hyunjin and Hyun-jee wildly gesticulated about work, life and (for some reason) the benefits of chocolate milk. Reina passed you a knowing smile; the two siblings once brought together could not shut up for the life of them.

You noticed Hyun-jee hanging back. She waited for you to catch up to her and said, "I'm sorry about the arrangement. It can't be easy for you."

You looked at her questioningly, "Why wouldn't it be easy?"

"Well, you both don't really know each other that well. To top it all off, Hyune oppa stopped seeing that Ellie girl. He hasn't been moping around much, probably because it only lasted like a month."

Hyun-jee paused and continued in a whisper, "I think she was more into him than he was into her."

You just laugh with a shake of your head and run up to Reina, throwing an arm around her shoulder. Through the corner of your eye, you see Hyunjin observing the three of you with a sad smile. You instantly feel guilt at leaving him out, even though the three of you were close friends long before Hyunjin came into the picture.

When you finally reach the beach, everyone settles into their designated role. Reina and Hyun-jee play volleyball with a bunch of locals while you and Hyunjin retreated under a covered cabana. Hyunjin sat on one side of it, sketching on his sketch pad, while you laid down on the other side, indulging in a mystery thriller.

Old habits really do die hard.

You turned to look at Hyunjin. The expression of concentration on his face was still the same. His hair was longer now though, and locks of it fell into his eyes. You felt the urge to push it away and subconsciously, ended up doing so.

He looked up at you. "Oh, um, your hair, I-" you stammered incoherently.

Hyunjin let out a chuckle. "It's fine. Thank you."

He turned back to his unfinished sketch and you put your book back in your tote bag. Wanting to stretch your legs, you noticed a dock like structure stretching out over the vast expanse of sea. Hyun-jee beckoned you towards her and the two of you set off to take pictures near that dock.

It felt slippery, at first, but eventually, you and Hyun-jee caught your balance. The farther out you went, the deeper was the ocean. The colors all blended to create beautiful hues of blue. They eerily mimicked the same hues that you currently were living in.

Hyun-jee's arms were full of shells, multicolored and all shaped differently. You both were so engrossed in picking at them that you didn't notice that you almost reached the end of the dock. Your sandal got caught on one of the stray nails.

And then you slipped.

And then you fell.

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Funnily enough, the only thought in your mind while you were falling was how the whistling of the wind sounded like that of a tea kettle. You had only heard the sound of a tea kettle once before, at your grandmother's house. Your mom decided to take out the old blue kettle that laid forgotten under the stove and decided to whip up some chamomile tea with it.

What an odd thing to reminisce about.

After what felt like hours, your body hit the water. The screams you were initially hearing were now muffled. Water attacked you, dragging you downwards. You did learn how to swim, but your body felt like it was made up of bricks and lead, not skin and bones.

Instinctively, you closed your eyes and tried to throw your hands up. In an attempt to get an intake of breath, you opened your mouth. What a stupid mistake. Seawater and other substances flooded into your mouth. Bile rose up but you couldn't close your mouth. When you finally could, you were compelled to close it.

You felt your brain separate from your body, as if you were just watching what was happening and weren't present in the situation. All sense of time was gone. You had never felt more helpless and locked out of your body before. Tears streamed down your face, but it didn't matter because all of you was drenched anyways.

You felt your consciousness slip, and felt a peculiar serenity that you had never felt before. You were floating out of your body now, your mind keenly observing the vessel that was once you, flailing about like a fish out of water.

How ironic.

People said that drowning was the worst way to die.

Wait, what? What were you even thinking?

You were dying.

You were dying.

No. No, you couldn't die. There was so much left for you to see, to experience. You wanted a stable job, a family. You wanted to taste what a snickerdoodle cookie was like and wanted to see Olivia Rodrigo in concert. But most of all, you wanted to live.

Life was so beautiful. All the dips and highs and small straight lines made it an endless rollercoaster, yes, but it was a ride you were not ready to get off yet. If you lived after this, you told yourself, you would be selfish and do what you wanted.

You wanted to submit your thesis and and stand on that podium, certificate in hand. You wanted to go on a date with Hyunjin and did not care about whoever objected otherwise. You wanted to be Hyun-jee's bridesmaid when she and Reina got married in San Diego. You wanted to tell your parents you loved them and wanted to watch your sisters grow up.

You wanted, and wanted, and wanted and that was enough to keep you some kind of awake and alert.

You felt a pair of arms around your waist and another hoisting you up. Concerned chatter and sighs of relief were sounds that managed to seep through the thrumming in your ears. Opening your eyes and letting it adjust to the light, you collapsed onto the dock. You threw up whatever was inside of you, feeling someone patting your back.

Somebody helped you stand up, since you were still shaken up by the whole incident. You could see a small crowd on the actual beach and a drenched Reina in front of you. Hyunjin must have been the one holding you up then.

Hyun-jee face was frozen in shock, eyes still glued to the place where you had fallen. When she finally looked up at you, she let out a choked sob, and eventually a torrent of tears fell from her eyes. Watching her cry made you cry, as you were gently tugged back to the beach by Hyunjin.

He sat you down on the edge of the cabana you both had occupied earlier. A lifeguard was rushing over to you, checking vitals and making sure you weren't having any problems with your breath. After you felt like you were in a sober state capable to answer questions, you rattled off responses in a monotonous tone.

"Considering she was in the water for just under a minute," confirmed the lifeguard, "She should be fine."

Worry was still etched on everyone's faces though, frustrating you. You were not okay, and you knew that. Not being okay after such an incident was to be expected of you. But you were not okay in a way that couldn't be helped by them. You had no such severe physical injuries or major repercussions; but mentally?

You weren't quite sure your mind was even yours.

You assured everyone that you were okay over and over again. Hyunjin grabbed a blanket from a kind family also on vacation, offering you some water and hydrated salts as well. After thanking them profusely, you stumbled into the taxi that Hyun-jee had booked. While Hyun-jee and Reina stayed behind to file formalities with the local authorities, Hyunjin volunteered to take you back to the hotel room.

The entire sequences of events left you so dazed, that you couldn't even process what was happening. Sitting in the taxi and reflecting on what happened finally allowed the physical effects of almost drowning to settle deep into your bones.

It started with the shivering, your body uncontrollably shaking. You could feel someone's arms - Hyunjin's - wrap around you and start rubbing your sides. Then came to coughing, your throat parched and desperate for water. Through it all though, your mind stayed fixed at one point.

There was a light. And peace. So much peace it felt nearly unnatural.

You began sobbing. Your head was throbbing and the entire world felt dizzy. Hot tears streamed down your face. You could feel some rubbing circles on your back, hear someone comforting you. But you weren't present in the situation itself. Words blended into white noise and everything hurt.

The entire time, from Hyunjin helping you out of the car to Hyun-jee clearing the way to your hotel room, your brain was on autopilot. It wasn't that you were thinking about something else; you just couldn't think. You wanted silence and quiet.

As soon as Hyunjin closed the door, you slumped against it, dragging Hyunjin down with you. You entire body was still covered in water, but you didn't care. You couldn't even take in complete breaths; the lack of dryness on your skin didn't even occur to you.

Hyunjin put his chin on your head and whispered, "Just breathe. It'll all be over soon."

As your breathing and heart rate slowed, you became distinctly aware of the fact that you were currently covered in dirty water and the pee of aquatic animals. Breaking away from Hyunjin's comforting hold, you let out an incoherent string of words, grabbed the first pair of pajamas you could find, and staggered into the bathroom.

Throwing off your clothes with a newfound urgency to feel dry and clean, you stepped into the shower and let out a tired sigh as soon as the hot droplets hit you repeatedly. It was a startling contrast to the unchanging sensation of cold you were locked in for the past thirty minutes (at least that was what you assumed it was, considering your knowledge of time itself was currently fucked). Feeling your muscles loosening underneath you, you made the blunder of closing you eyes.

As soon as you did, the water now sliding down your naked skin felt all too similar to the water that nearly took your life.

You were drowning again, literally in water and figuratively in despair. You reached out for help, screamed until your voice went hoarse. The light was coming for you, luminescent orbs turning into menacing vessels of death. But nobody came. And the terrifying reality was, nobody would.

Tripping over the shower cubicle, you lunged for your towel and scrubbed your skin until it was red and raw. Even a single drop of water felt like acid on your skin. In you haste to put on your clothes, you forgot to turn the shower on. Mustering your courage, you reached to turn the knob and made sure that no part of your body contacted anything other than a dry surface.

When you teetered over the elevated surface of the bathroom an soon as you opened the door, Hyunjin was already there to steady you.

"I'll dry your hair," he offered.

You nodded, still mum, and sat down on Hyunjin's bed. You noticed that he had changed into a white cotton shirt and gray sweatpants. Hyunjin leaned over to plug in the hairdryer. Coaxing you into turning around, his hands wove through your hair and nearly rocked you to sleep.

"Hyunjin," you whispered deliriously, "I feel safe in your arms."

You must have been really tired because you completely missed his response.

"And I feel safe knowing you are in my arms."

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After Hyunjin had dried your hair, he helped you onto your bed. You had fallen asleep due to the sheer weight of your exhaustion. Hyunjin promised that he would be in the room, not leaving for a second. Your eyes shut and you slept for almost four hours.

When you woke up, it was late. The sky was no longer colored light blue, but instead shone a dark navy. You turned over your phone on the nightstand.

9:00 PM

"Hyun-jee came over," Hyunjin said.

You turned around to see him watching a drama on his phone. His hair was tussled, as if he had run his hands through it repeatedly. His eyes looked tired and his body looked weary but his smile was like a peek of sunlight on an unreasonably cloudy day.

"She left some noodles for you," he motioned towards the large Styrofoam box on the little coffee table in your room.

You snatched up and hungrily began eating. "Thanks," you said between mouthfuls.

"No problem. You should be thanking Hyun-jee."

"I will."

"Do you want to watch something?"

"Okay."

Hyunjin started a new drama for the both of you to watch. The only sounds in the room were noises from his laptop and your slow chewing. You were grateful that Hyunjin didn't press whenever you replied half heartedly or with one word.

It was such a paradoxical situation, the one you were stuck in. A mere ten hours ago, the thought of him being in close proximity almost drew you to insanity. Now, his steady presence was the only thing keeping you grounded.

Fate truly is fickle.

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You woke up from your slumber with a start, sweat soaking through your clothes and onto your bedsheets. You were breathing heavily, so much that your lungs were hurting. Beside you, you could hear Hyunjin stirring in his sleep.

You chest was constricted and your breathing was shallowed. Ugly tears inched slowly, down your cheeks. Your hands were shaking and your vision was blurry.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm here now."

"I'm fine, I'm fine," you whispered to Hyunjin in the darkness.

"No," he said firmly, "You clearly aren't. Let me help you. Please."

You gave him a nod, which he probably didn't see in the darkness. Leaning over to turn on the table lamp nestled between the two beds, with a small click, the entire room was eliminated.

"Nightmare?"

"Yes. Sorry for disturbing you."

"Don't be."

Hyunjin started humming something into your hair, making you feel drowsy. Sleep was coming in waves, but you refused to close your eyes. Fighting to keep them open, you tried to place why whatever Hyunjin was humming sounded so familiar. Finally, you realized it.

"Oh my god," you snorted, "Are you humming the Sofia the First theme song right now?"

"Shh," he giggled, "Let me honor Sofia in peace."

You nestled into him more comfortable and felt his head fall onto yours. Slowly, he pulled you down onto the bed.

"Do you mind is I sleep?" he questioned.

"No," you replied, "Just please keep holding me."

He placed a soft kiss on your cheek in response and comfortably placed his head on the crook of your neck. Soon enough, melodious snores (how do even his snores sound attractive?) filled the silence in the room. You could do this forever.

Oh. You could do this forever.

But you didn't have forever. What you had was tantalizingly short in the grand scheme of things. And nearly dying had really put things into perspective. You might not have forever, but you have now. And ideally, now was all you needed.

But what would Hyun-jee think?

Except, did it really matter what she thought? She was your best friend, she had seen pieces of you that you hadn't shown anyone. If anybody would understand, it would be Hyun-jee. You began to question yourself. Was it really Hyun-jee you were scared of, or something else entirely?

Putting the blame on Hyun-jee for stopping yourself from pursuing Hyunjin was so easy. The truth was, you were frightened. Hyun-jee's opinion had nothing to do with it whatsoever.

You were so scared of the consequences after the falling apart of a relationship, that you were hesitant to be in one in the first place. The prospect of heartbreak and it's accompanying nastiness petrified you to the point where you were blind to the beauty of being in a relationship.

Your situation was pathetic really. You were pathetic. It wasn't even a paradoxical situation of unrequited love where you were hopelessly head over heels in love with Hyunjin and he couldn't have cared otherwise. He liked you back, at one point, may even have loved you back.

After tossing and turning, you finally came to one decision you were determined to go through with.

That night, you didn't sleep for two reasons: fear of drowning in the ocean and anticipation to drown in Hyun-jee's.

"Good morning angel," he yawned, "Did you get any sleep?"

"No," you gulped.

"Well that's to bad," he mumbled against you neck.

His hair tickled your face and you began second guessing whether or not you should really do this. Hyunjin blinked once, slowly, as if taking in his surroundings. When he probably realized where he was, he got up with a start.

"Shit, I had no idea I was this close to you. I'm really sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable and-"

"I like you," you blurted out. "I like you and I want to date you. I know you like me as well and I love Hyun-jee, but I want to experience loving you."

You looked down shyly as Hyunjin's jaw dropped. He cupped his hand around your cheeks and replied breathlessly, "Oh thank goodness. I would kiss you but you just survived a traumatic event and my breath probably stinks."

You opened you mouth to respond but ended up yawning instead. Hyunjin visibly held back his laughter and you playfully hit his arm.

You gave him a side-eye and he pulled you back into bed again, tickling you in the process. You shoved him and he laughed at you and by the end of it, you were so out of breath and so happy, that a part of you forgot that you very well may not have been here today.

You didn't have forever, but you had Hyunjin and that was enough.

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epilogue.

You put your bags down on the wooden floor with an animated 'oof!' while you once again took in the grandeur of the Hwang family ski lodge. You were back again, invited (this time by Hyunjin) to spend the summer with the Hwangs.

Everything was coming full circle, wasn't it?

Hyunjin's mother approached you with a smile on her face. She pulled you in for a tight hug, her perfume attacking your senses.

"How have you been, my child?" Her hair was pinned up to perfection and her skin was flawless.

"Really good," you told her excitedly, filling her in on all the gossip that was taking place at your university.

She listened to you keenly and once you finished, she told you, "Oh, Hyunjin is in his room, by the way."

She shot you a wink and you felt like you would melt out of embarrassment.

"I didn't know he told you," you said sheepishly.

"He didn't have to," his mother laughed.

Mothers. Their powers were strong enough to make the childhood version of you believe they were psychic.

You bounded up the familiar stairs to Hyunjin's room. Not bothering to knock (what's the worst he could be? naked?), you rushed inside and fell dramatically onto his bed. Hyunjin regarded you with a hint of fear at you sudden entrance.

Turning over on your stomach to face him, you announced with an air of superiority, "I did it."

That could only mean one thing in this context.

Hyunjin's eyes widened. "You did it? You submitted your dissertation?" he asked in awe.

You nodded enthusiastically and brought your face close to his. "I'm yours for the next three months now."

Hyunjin pouted, "I thought you already were mine."

You rolled your eyes at him and pulled him in for a long awaited kiss. It was to no avail however; you both were smiling against each other's lips so much that it wasn't quite a kiss.

Breaking away, you were about to settle in next to Hyunjin when you told him, "It feels weird though. Not having to do anything. Does that make sense?"

"If you say it, it makes sense. And if I happen to think it does not, I will attempt to look at it from your perspective. Regardless of either situation though, I will accept it because I love you, and that to me is what love is. Unwavering dedication and acceptance," Hyunjin replied with ease.

You felt your heart stutter. He was the first to say he loved you, two weeks ago under a dimly lit bookstore you were in. Hyunjin was said he knew the moment you gave him a smile and he realized, it was a smile you only presented in front of him.

"I love you too, dork," you said cheekily.

Hyunjin had shown you shades of love that you could never escape from. Every little action of his encompassed love. From the small smiles he always sent your way to the way he tucked your hair behind your ear and always carried extra rubber bands for you, Hyunjin was love personified

"I'm here!" came the unmistakable voice of Hyun-jee.

You and Hyunjin exchanged a glance. You had decided that it would be best to tell Hyun-jee about the relationship as soon as possible. Hiding your relationship from her for three months seemed like a mammoth endeavor.

After finding Hyun-jee wolfing down cookies in the kitchen and giving her a customary bear hug, you gave her a nervous laugh.

"Wosh? You bosh look like you neesh to chell me shomething."

"Ew," whined Hyunjin, "Chew first."

Hyun-jee swallowed and said, "You both look like you're hiding something from me. You didn't break something I own, right?"

"Actually," you hesitated and Hyunjin gave you a small nod of encouragement, "We did have to tell you something. Hyunjin and I... we have been dating for the last two, two and a half months."

You let out a slow breath, gauging Hyun-jee's reaction. Her eyes widened and her eyebrows knitted. You could see her visibly tensing and take in a shallow intake of breath.

Shock slowly settled into Hyun-jee's features. "How long?"

"Well technically since we were eighteen, but we were scared of your reaction and-" you gave Hyunjin a small kick to his shin. He ruffled your hair back.

"So, you are telling me that you both have liked each other for that long but decided not to do anything about it because you were scared of me?" Hyun-jee marvelled.

"Well, yes-"

"Oh my god," Hyun-jee laughed, "You both are so dense. Do you know how much I have been rooting for this relationship? Hell, I even booked one room for the two of you as soon as I realized that I forgot."

"You did that on purpose?" you were reeling from the revelation.

All of your belief that you would have to choose between friendship of love came crashing down. Relief washed over you and a sob that was lodged in your throat finally found release.

Hyun-jee and you went back and forth until Hyunjin finally put an end to the conversation. "These," he declared picking up the tin of cookies that Hyun-jee was previously snacking on, "Are mine."

He proceeded to run out of the kitchen as Hyun-jee chased him with a spatula, screaming bloody murder. After the siblings finally calmed down, all three of you collapsed onto the large couch in the middle of the lounge. Looking at your friends, your family, made you realize that you were loved.

Maybe, falling in love wasn't so bad. Yes, you fell. You fell hard and soft, you fell with your hands bloodied and the sensation of flying. You fell, but Hyunjin was there to catch you. And as he assured you over and over again, he would always be there to catch you.

Hyunjin laced his hands through yours and gave it a squeeze. This time, it was a promise. A promise of whatever eternity you both had left that would be spent together. A promise to love through the light and the dark.

A promise to be each other's first and last loves.

main taglist (reply to be added) -

@linoalwaysknows @moon0fthenight @hyulino @palindrome969

@squishybinnieee

fic taglist - @scarlet789 @taichoushadowficrec

long for you.

I. Prologue | II. hyunjin's interlude | III. afterthought

exbf!Hyunjin x gn!Reader genre 𓋰 Angst warnings 𓋰 Discussions of Hiatus, arguing, cursing, 1 food mention word count𓋰 1.5k

author's note 𓋰 This chapter discusses topics of hiatus and public criticism. STAYs (Especially my Hyunjin biased STAYs, please read at your own discretion and take care of yourself the way you need to). All of my work is fictional and does not reflect SKZ, the public or staff.

AT THE STUDIO

The boys’ arms swung at their sides as their whole body moved with their heavy breaths. Humidity filled the room, making the mirrors fog up with a misty white layer. Despite being hard to see in their reflections, Lee Know had his eyes on Hyunjin most of the practice. As the boys collapsed from exhaustion, Lee Know did not hesitate to express his findings. 

“Hyunjin, you’re off on your footing during the second chorus” Lee Know mutters as he towers over Hyunjin who is laying flat on the floor. “Our comeback stage is not too far from now. We need to get this down”

Hyunjin did not respond although he was listening intently. All he could do was simply rest his arm over his eyes to cover the bright lights and the piercing stare of his hyung. Hyunjin wouldn’t know what to say even if he had the power to do so. He knew he was lacking. 

Hyunjin was physically exhausted from the continuous practices that went on for hours to weeks at a time. His muscles ached yet somehow he found energy to power through. On the other hand, Hyunjin was still heartbroken or rather lost after your break up. He was no longer mad. Just uneasy. 

There were no clear answers that would reassure him.

Hyunjin seeked comfort from STAY but could only find comments pointing out his restless behavior. According to the public, he was acting ‘cold’ and ‘abnormally quiet’. But again, his muscles ached. 

His heart ached.

Chan lessened up on Hyunjin, providing him support from afar after his outlash. He was afraid to push his younger member too far, knowing damn well that Hyunjin was on the brink of losing it. It didn’t take the members long either to find out that Hyunjin was going through a hard time. 

On the other hand, the youngest was lingering by the computer that once played their tracklist. Felix hovered behind him as they scrolled through the internet. Chan’s curiosity got the best of him and forced his feet to shuffle across the practice room. Chan, who already looked stressed, furrowed his eyebrows as he saw the familiar logos of new sites on the computer. 

There were articles upon articles that mentioned Hyunjin’s name. What shocked Chan the most was that fans and non-fans were making the most hurtful comments about Hyunjin and the whole team. The news sites accumulated all of their tweets displaying the ‘critiques’. It left Jeongin and Felix’s jaws agape from the shock and complexity of their comments that jabbed at everything they possibly could. How could anyone say these things?

Chan tugged at the boys’ shirts, signaling them to step away.  “Stop reading that” Chan said through gritted teeth. “These people don’t know what they’re talking about”

Jeongin stumbled to the side of the computer where Felix was once standing.

“Hyung… What are we gonna do?” Jeongin said as his face grew into a frown. 

Chan only sighed. Chan remembered how they’re a team. What one experiences, all of them feel it too. He couldn’t just let this continue on. Chan took swift strides over to Hyunjin who was now sitting up with his face in his hands. 

“Hyunjin, get up” Chan firmly said, voice slightly above a conversational voice. “We’re going to management now” 

FLOOR 5: JYPE STAFFING AND MANAGEMENT

Chan’s leg shook as he waited for the staff to end their meeting. What was once worry fueling his adrenaline was soon replaced with anger. Chan felt his heart pound and his skin burn red as he thought of every bad outcome of this situation. 

As soon as the meeting looked like it was finished, Chan shot out of his seat. Nobody had even left the room when Chan entered the meeting space. “We need to talk” He demanded.  

All of them looked at him in surprise as Chan was never like this. The staff member sitting at the head of the table muttered a few things under their breath which caused the others to rise from their seats and leave in a hurry. The staff cleared their throat and motioned for the two boys to sit. “What do you need, Bang Chan? Hyunjin?”

Chan glanced at Hyunjin who hung his low. Before speaking, Chan let out a shaky breath. “Please tell me you can do something about the things going on online”

"Chan, we've discussed this before" The staff said flatly.

In the past, time before their debut and back when SKZ were just kids in a training room, they heavily reviewed what it meant to be an idol. The staff talked endlessly about how there would be times that were hard and that people were going to criticize them regardless of what they did. At one point in those discussions, Chan calmed his curiosity and asked what would happen if it became 'too hard'. They simply said that they would likely take action under one condition.

"It can't be something you directly caused"

Chan knew that the staff believed that Hyunjin's backlash was a result of his own actions since he was acting differently than what they wanted him to be. But Chan also knew that Hyunjin didn't have a choice and wouldn't have been how he is today if it weren't for the staff's demands.

"He didn't do anything!" Chan raised his voice. "He did what he was told! You told him to breakup with them because you all believed that there were conflicts"

The staff grew frustrated, chewing their inner lip and releasing a deep exhale from their nose. "We did. He was losing focus and risking his career by dating them. Now, he's being criticized for the lack of professionalism since the break up. He's acting out on his own!"

Hyunjin's head raised. Chan looked over to the semi-slumped boy and saw that Hyunjin's eyes read anger.

“You don’t care, do you?” Hyunjin scoffed, “You think we’re just idols before we are human, huh? We just rack in money for this company, right? That’s all we are? Like you think we can just handle everything? There are 5 trucks outside of this building right now, demanding that I leave Stray Kids for my ‘behavior’. My ‘behavior’ is because I—... I’m heartbroken…not because I didn't like consequences of my own actions"

Chan continues to stare at Hyunjin and rests a hand on his shoulder as he fights back tears, seeing his member break down in a sob. “I’m tired of this comeback and I’m tired of people hurting me. I’m tired of you guys not protecting me or the people I love…I can't win in either situation"

The staff sighed. “Hyunjin, the day you signed that contract, you knew what you were in for. You were not allowed to date for a while but once that agreement ended, you went soul searching for Y/n. You also knew the potential consequences for dating. You knew that we can’t protect you from everything. You chose to date, you followed through with a break up and now you hate the consequences of your own actions that you've compiled. A-and Hyunjin? If you are that tired, you should just sit out on this comeback and reflect on yourself”

Chan’s jaw dropped at their petty comment. They're now pushing Hyunjin to be on hiatus… Chan knew that any form of hiatus was indefinite. There were no time frames of when Hyunjin would be back if he were to be on hiatus. There was no guarantee that he would even come back.

“You want him to be on hiatus, again? Are you serious!?” Chan exclaimed, anger fully taking over. “You want him to receive more backlash? Do you want him to hurt more? Is that all you can think of?! You're supposed to protect us! ALL EIGHT OF US"

Hyunjin pulled Chan back down in his seat. "Do you really want me to be on hiatus?" He whispers out to the staff.

All the staff could do was shrug their shoulders and brush it off. “I don’t have an answer for you. It’s up to you what you want. We won't make that decision”

Hyunjin looks at Chan. Chan shakes his head furiously. "Hyunjin, think about this first" "

As the staff collects their things and heads to the door. They stop right before it, standing right next to Hyunjin. "Are you in or are you out?

Y/N’s HOME

It’s been days since you last heard from him. Yet he was still on your mind. It was impossible not to be. On every form of media, Hyunjin’s name and face were plastered all over it.

Stray Kids’ Hyunjin raises concerns amongst fans from new fansite photo Fans of Stray Kids question Hyunjin’s wellbeing after posting artwork Hyunjin of Stray Kids attitude changes, fans demand an answer Kpop fans angered over Stray Kids’ Hyunjin lack of 'professionalism'

Not to mention, every time you commuted to work and school, you passed by their building which was now racking up protest trucks. It was bad on Hyunjin's end. It really made you feel sick to your stomach thinking about how fragile yet lovingly Hyunjin viewed the world before all of this. Imagine how he felt when it turned its back on him.

Just like any morning, you turned the TV on, expecting to hear yet another coverage story about the trucks accumulating and the fans arguing with everyone. You were in the kitchen, cooking breakfast. But as you scramble your eggs, you stop in your tracks. The hair on your arms and the back of your neck rise. Goosebumps and weakness in your limbs overcame your body too. Without a thought in your head, your body took you to the TV. In bold black letters, the news subtitle read:

Hyunjin posts letter apologizing to fans, following a hiatus statement issued by JYPE

What the fuck is he doing?

series taglist: @isagerada , @sparklyglitterangel , @havenwithleeknow , @piscesrising01

Please reply or send an ask to be removed. Otherwise, thank you so much for reading.

Hyunjin Fake Texts!: Breaking up with Tsundere BF

Jisung Jeongin Masterlist

Taglist: @yangbbokari @lovesunshinefelix

Hyunjin fic recs

stray kids | Hwang Hyunjin 

masterlist

[ updated 230805 ]

Innocent mornings { s }  1,3k @sailorhyunjinz

two types of fireworks { tangled! au, historical! au; a,f }  21,2k @chanluster

when you find a notorious thief wounded within the woods you wondered, you heal him, not realising that the same man will lead you to your destination, and the few feelings you’ll develop along the way.

enough for you series  { idol au; a, f } @lotus-dly

You and Hyunjin have been keeping your relationship a secret for awhile. However, when Hyunjin finally decides to come clean to his members about the two of you, you overhear a conversation that you weren’t supposed to, leaving you questioning not only your relationship with Hyunjin but your worth as well.

experienced (series) { f2l; f, s, a }  @/ballelino

Dressing Down { f2l, a, s, f } 5,8k @jl-micasea-fics

A shopping trip with the gloriously attractive, delightfully oblivious man you've lusted after since time began? During a particularly lengthy dry spell? Definitely not a recipe for disaster.

hotter than ur ex, better than ur next {emo! hyunjin; f, s } @i4lixie

[ 1 ] 

hyunjin was only supposed to be a fleeting moment in your life between lovers, but his fierce attitude and your greed for more of him makes him stay much longer.

[ 2 ]

after a recent encounter with your fuckbuddy, you start to turn back on the one rule you gave him before this relationship even started. you wouldn’t fall in love, and neither would be. too bad you can’t keep your own damn word.

Tulips and Lilac { f, s } 7,3k @drewexe

the fateful party is already in the past, but you and hyunjin have a new game to play; and he's dead set on winning this one, even though he's perhaps already won

the small things { f } @/i4lixie

just in case { office au; f, a, s }  8.6k @the7thcrow

your valentine’s day plans of bad cable and a bottle of wine take an unexpected turn, as when leaving the office you witness a completely different side of your least favourite coworker, hwang hyunjin. perhaps valentine’s day really does hold a little bit of magic.

[8:55 a.m.] hhj { f, a } @/lotus-dly

Pretty please { sub hyunjin; s } 1,9k @ohmysparkle

Tattoo artist!Hyunjin @slytherinbangchan

College Tutor { nerd hyunjin; f, s } @/slytherinbangchan

party cup { idiots to lovers; f } 12,2k @changbeanie

you have one brain cell, and it’s heart-shaped for hwang hyunjin; or alternatively, hwang hyunjin hates parties but likes you.

Supposedly Date Night { insecurities; a, f }  1,7k @seungly

vampire drabble { f, s } @j-onecult

The (almost) Perfect Date { f }  3,5k @hanqu0kka

Due to his busy schedule, you and Hyunjin weren't having enough time to spend together. To change that, Hyunjin planned out the perfect date for you, too bad you were extremely sick and refused to tell him.

#Scream For Me { sub jinnie; s } 3k @sugar-petals

the fwb rules { fwb; s }  4,5k @etherealeeknow

Breakfast in Bed { s }  3,5 k (deleted ?)

forgive { royal au; f, s, a }  4,1k @ncitygirls

#006DB0 | HWANG HYUNJIN. { a, f }  1,3k @hanibalistic

the valentine trials  { f2l; a, f }  17,3k  ao3link

to be alone { f2l; a, s }  5,7k @straylightdream

She couldn’t sleep at night, and her loneliness always led to her calling the same person to share a bed with her.

[20.30] { greaser au, fwb2l; f, s, a }  4,1k @lettersfromaphrodite

[8.03] { vampire au, medieval, f, s }  4.6k @/lettersfromaphrodite

the study of relationships.  { roomates au, f2l; a ,f }  15k @huenjin

college team's volleyball captain and your roommate-cum-best friend, hwang hyunjin argues with you over guys being better than girls in relationships to help you out of one. or in which hyunjin is in love with you for years now and he finally decides that maybe he doesn't want that best friend tag anymore.

inexperienced { f, s } 2,2k @/ballelino

the distance between you and i  { f } @wishingyouback

mind your business! { f }  1,2k @rachalixie

the aftermath of the crew finding out about yours and hyunjin’s unintentional secret relationship, complete with domestic fluff at the end.

Flames { fantasy, assassin au, e2l; c } 3,7k @fizzydrink698

You frown. “Is it so hard to believe I find you attractive?”

Hyunjin raises an eyebrow, eyeing you with pure scepticism. “You’ve tried to kill me. Multiple times.”

“I fail to see how one negates the other,” you reply with a shrug. 

The differences between us { a, f } @/lotus-dly

warmth { f } 1,8 k @inkybird

boyfriend habits { f } @yyx2

vampire hyunjin { f } @ppiri-bahng

relax with me { f, s } 3,4k @koorminii

It’s your turn to make noises now, it seems, because Hyunjin drags a moan out of you so loud that you’re worried the neighbours have heard. Your cheeks are red for a whole new reason now, and the fact that Hyunjin is yanking at the collar of your dress doesn’t help. You let him, you don’t care, you want to give Hyunjin everything, anything.

scarlet red { f, s } 6,2k @abiaswreck

A young talented artist has caught your attention. Now you want nothing more than for him to be successful. (Non idol au)

this is me trying { a, f } 1,4k

SATURN { a, f, s } @/seospicybin

Realized that Hyunjin’s true love will always be his art, you decided to move on with your life to only cross path with him once more

three in one { s } 4,7k @strayed-quokka

hyunjin finds it depressing to hear that you’ve never had an orgasm. he’s determined to give you three in one night. at least. 

come here { barista yn, e2l; a, s, f } 4,6k @hh0320

cherry chapstick { f2l; f, s } 8,9k @angelwonie

being hopelessly in love with your best friend is bad enough in itself, but when you decide to spontaneously kiss him at a party and he kisses you back — that's when it gets complicated. or maybe it's not complicated at all.

massage { s } 2,2k @sluttywonwoo

( a lack of ) decorum { art teacher!hyune; f } 1,5k @wooahaes

comfy and cozy { whiny!hyunjin; f }

no nut november ( loser 3# )  { s,f } 4,2k @gimmeurtmi

sky prince { f, s } 3,7k @strayngesparkyds

glossy {possessive gf; s } @bitsauur

sleepy { f } @mmingooo

fic-mas: day 12 { f2l; s, f, a ] 3,6k @hardstraykidshours

getting snowed in with your best friend takes an unexpected turn.

7:30PM { sick hyune; f, a } @yrhome

Underneath the tree { f } 0,7k @lino-jagiyaa

christmas didn't feel like it used to this year, so your boyfriend hyunjin came over to spend the day with you, hoping to cheer you up a little.

sick hyune { f } @/hwajin

UNDERTONES { perfume maker/chef, mutual pining; a, s ,f } 13,3k @/cb97percent

He dedicated his life to scents. You dedicated yours to taste. Your paths were bound to cross at some point.

like a magnet { s }  3,7k @/gimmeurtmi

Bubblegum Bitch { neighbours2l; s } 3,5k @j-0ne25

Hyunjin is severely annoyed about all of your packages being delivered to his apartment because you’re too busy getting them yourself. But maybe an honest apology, some freshly baked cookies and mulled wine can ease the tension between your neighbour and you

the art of love { f } @/ppiri-bahng

MANIAC #4: Hwang Hyunjin { Artist Hyune, Psychological, Thriller; a, s } 13,3k @/cb97percent

PRETTY BOY { proposal; f } 0,971k @/bbujiikseu-archived

hyunjin is planning to propose to you. little does he know you’re also planning to propose to him.

indoors picnic { sulky bf; f } @/inniejeonginnie

when your meticulously planned date gets ruined by the rain, it's up to you to cheer your sulky boyfriend up.

It Is Your Birthday Not Mine { s, f } 4,1k @athenathesharkwrites ites

18:08 { f, comfort, c } 0,3k @softiejoon

hyunjin decides it’s a good idea to eat his birthday cake raw

bits of stardusts. { historical, strangers2l; f, a } 16,8k @jeonginks ao3link

00:00 { ex mafia } @/ppiri-bahng

when you are kidnapped hyunjin has no choice but to reveal the version of himself he has spent years trying to escape from

CHARCOAL BLUES IN C MINOR { slow burn, mutual pining; s, a } 23k @cb97percent

Charcoal and straw papers. Piano keys and sheet music. A lighthouse and a speakeasy. Prestige and the lack thereof.

9:40am { f, hungover & dramatic hyune } 0,8k @skzfairyy

Boyfie privileges { f } @jinhyun

cake pop { f } @inniejeonginnie

you graduated college!! and now all your boyfriend wants is to show you how proud he is of you, but things don't go the way he planned

“oh, god.” { s } @/ppiri-bahng

Series 

Moonrise { historical au, arranged marriage au, s, f }  12,6k @/healinghyunjin

Seeing your future husband for the first time, you knew immediately, even from afar, that the rumors hadn’t even begun to do him justice. 

Moonlight { historical au, arranged marriage au; s, f, } 6,5k 

a throne of roses | hwang hyunjin  { royal au; f, a } 16,7k @scxrlettwxtches

when the king that conquered your country, hwang hyunjin, arranged a marriage for the two of you, not once did you expect to feel any emotion except hatred and bitterness to blossom between you. will you stand to hate your enemy until the end, or will you realize that the cold-hearted ruler is not as cruel as he seemed?

A crown of thorns 14k

a few years have passed since your tumultuous beginnings with the enemy king, hwang hyunjin, and to everyone’s astonishment, your marriage flourished with an abundance of love. however, this was not yet a happy ever after, and danger still lurks within every corner of your peaceful kingdom.

VESPER @/seospicybin

One dance { s } 6,3k

If it wasn’t because of your support, Hyunjin would have been given up to be a painter. One day, he finally get to sold one of his paintings and he decides to celebrate it by getting himself a lap dance.

Part 1 { s,f } 11,2k

You've been praying every night for someone like Hyunjin to come and when he finally did, you doubt that he would approve your job as a stripper.

Part 2 { s,f } 11,3k

Is this love ? { pack au,+ Felix ; a,s,f }

1. 2. 3.

Dangerous { mafia boss hyune, e2l; f, s, a } 4,1k @minghaoyoudoin

Deal 6k Deadly 9,1k Damaged 9,2k

Darling 4,3k

HOTEL VERMILION { hospitality au, mystery, crime; s } @/cb97percent

Chapter 1 { s } 6,6k

Note: please let me know if the links are not working ! I’ll try to fix them as soon as possible ^^

Hyunjin fic recs 2

stray kids | Hwang Hyunjin

masterlist | part 1

[ updated 240726 ]

5:15 am { f } @dreamyyeosang

cliche meetcutes { f } 0,9k @chvrrycola

04 sharing haring a bed series { f2l, s } @skzdarlings

Ice { mafia au, strangers2l; a, s, f } 4,5k @healinghyunjin

Sheer good looks aside though…you’d seen his face on the news. What was his name? You remembered that it was something elegant, soft on the lips - a name that didn’t seem to fit the cruel, hardened mafioso it belonged to. 

It was only when those cold icy eyes locked with yours, gaze chilling even from all the way across the bar, that it finally came to mind. 

Hwang Hyunjin. 

kinktober day five { f2l; s } 2,5k @gimmeurtmi

uni student hyunjin but make it art

9:02 A.M { f } @forlix

Read between the lines { f } 0,5k @inkelea

Making out in a car { s } @astraystayyh

are you bored yet? { insecure y/n; a, f } @ebbaskz

“but i can’t help from asking ‘are you bored yet?’ ”

I’ll make those insecurities disappear { a, f, s } @lotus-dly

Taste { s } @moonjxsung

Sunday’s Paradigm { f2l, college; f } 2,6k @sunboki

He was a cold person. Spiteful and brash to all people too close, scared to let his walls down. Except, to him, you’re a spectacle. A classmate he realizes he can’t exactly find reason to dislike while he sketched you from his stool in the art room.

The deal. @hyunedew

the one where you accidentally summon the king of hell in your pursuit to pass your class.

Pendulum { f, a, s } 1,2k @1-800-shedevil

You visit Hyunjin on the night of his big art exhibit intent on closing this chapter of your life but he's not willing to let go that easily.

Say yes to me { f } @astraystayyh

after your seven minutes in heaven, hyunjin wants to plan out how he'll finally confess to you. except you come knocking on the door of his rented cabin unannounced. at 10:53 pm. the perfect time for love, he comes to learn.

Bound to You { Cerberus, Goddess, Greek Mythology; f, s } 4,3k @winter-dayz

“What are we?” { f } @jinhyun

Drunken with a sense of love { drunken confessions, fake dating } 7,1k @hanibalistic

you and hyunjin got drunk at different times, and you two took care of each other similarly. 

Thinking about how attentive hyunjin would be when you’re sick { f } @seungminhour

Christmas Eve with Hwang Hyunjin { f } @agi-ppangx

Eight days of Christmas carols - day 4 { f } @rachalixie

Pussy agenda with Hyunjin { s } @fluffylino

Sigma kappa zeta’s olympic level beer pong team { + Innie x reader; s } 7,2k @/skzms

it's the last frat party before winter break and you, hyunjin and jeongin have a title to defend. who knows where it might lead (we do, it leads to the three of you smoking weed and fucking in jeongin's room)

9mitm { s } @straykeedz

Babysitter.com { single dad Hyune; s, f } @mnwrld

hyunjin's whole life changed when his daughter was born--it was the single best day of his life. but parenting was harder than he thought it would be, especially when he also needed to work to be able to provide for the light of his life. maybe a little help wouldn't hurt? where else could he look but the notorious 'babysitter.com' ?

my love, mine all mine [ f ] 2,3k @/rachalixie

hyunjin setting up the perfect valentine's day for you

verisimilitude [bsf2l; s ] @/skzdarlings

You are a self-identified no-nonsense curmudgeon. Your best friend is an eccentric pretty boy. You accidentally send him an explicit video of yourself. What's the worst that can happen?

The snow falls, we fall apart. [ roommates, f2l; hurt/comfort ] 13k @/astraystayyh

when heartbreak looms on your life, and winter becomes a time you loathe, hyunjin helps you rewrite your memories with the season, and with it, everything you once believed about love.

Something I Needed More [ f2l; f ] 3,2k @skzonthebrain

wherever you are [ f2l; f, a, s ] 12,9k @hyunverse

Hyunjin promised you that he'll be wherever you are. What do you do when your best friend of years — the only person you've ever loved disappears without saying goodbye? Especially when you've spent your entire life with Hyunjin, you didn't know of life without him.

ace [ volleyball player hyune, fake e2l; f ] 15,2k @/forlix

volleyball superstar and your personal hell hwang hyunjin proposes a trade-off you can't refuse: his matchmaking services for a passing anthropology grade. the plan is foolproof in theory; in practice, it is something else entirely.

the storm. [ s ] 2,7k @/tasteracha

Series

devil by the window { DemonxAngel; s } 3k @berryjoong

you’re an angel, hyunjin’s a demon, and you’re both after the same soul. you hate each other, but you just can’t stay away from him.

part two { f, a ,s } 6,4k

the strange man of monterrey manor ( series ) { vampire au; f, s, a }  @quokkacore

chapter one: a marriage most foul

chapter two: voices that wail in the night

chapter three: a solution to the issue at hand (m) [final]

Make Love, Not Porn { s } @charmercharm3r

You crave a life of normalcy, he craves you. And he'd do anything to keep you, even if you're for the world to see.

Play Time 3,8k

Heat Signature 5,9k

Puppeteer 4,3k

Hi, My Name Is 7,7k

Sunday 6,7k

Texts

Boyfriend texts @like-a-diamondinthesky

Boyfriend texts @gyuworm

Note: please let me know if the links are not working ! I’ll try to fix them as soon as possible ^^

Okay but I don’t normally like long fics but a fallen angel trope I had too, and it DID NOT DISAPPOINT!

Man I love this so so much, literally felt like it was happening around me!

Ahh I’m obsessed 🥲🥺

h.hj. — descent to hell.

pairing: hwang hyunjin x gn reader, former bang chan x gn reader genre: fallen angel au, angst, fluff, strangers to lovers au warnings: blood, injuries, cheating, food, slight themes of jealousy, mild swearing summary: someone like minho would have told you to keep your distance from hyunjin; that he is something inhumane— dangerous and flammable. but you are already waist-deep in those dark pools of liquid glass that he has for eyes. length: oneshot word count: 13.4k+ a/n: this actually took forever so i'm just so glad that i finished it. hope you enjoy!

When you find him, he is sprawled across the sand, unconscious. There is salt crusted over his bare collarbones and a thin stream of blood trickling down the pale column of his throat.

Even so, his beauty takes your breath away.

It takes you the rest of the morning to drag him to the lighthouse. The rest of the evening to coax his body onto the lumpy pull-out couch bed in the living room and dress the two gaping wounds slit along the length of his back.

His wounds heal as you work over them, the skin stitching back together in front of your very eyes, bloody tissue fading into smooth muscle.

You let out a small exhale of awe, wondering what this creature is, if not human. Even then, despite his supernaturality, something about him leaves you unwilling to push him away.

Instead, you tend to his cuts and bruises— although there isn't much need to, seeing that his body is already healing on its own. You rinse the dried salt out of his black locks of hair and pull a thick blanket over him in attempt to warm him up.

It is already late at night by the time you've finished with him. You leave him on the couch and stumble into your own bedroom to collapse onto your bed, exhausted.

The stranger is already up by the time you've rolled out of bed the next morning, preparing to make breakfast. You jump at the sight of him sitting on your coach, blanket spread over his lap, but quickly recover to give him a small nod in greeting.

He stares at you, eyes hostile and untamed. "Who are you?"

His voice is hoarse and slightly scratchy with disuse.

How ironic.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that question?" you ask, a small smile tugging at your lips.

He hesitates for a moment, unsure of what to say. You take a step forward, assessing him carefully. He is even more handsome when he's awake.

"What's your name?"

The stranger balks, swallowing hard, as if trying to remember. Finally, after a long pause—

"Hyunjin," he says. "It's Hyunjin."

"Hyunjin," you repeat, rolling the word off the tip of your tongue. You smile. It suits him.

"Where are you from?"

Hyunjin pauses again, biting his lip, before shaking his head. "I don't remember."

You frown.

"Do you remember what happened to you?"

He shakes his head again in denial.

"You don't remember anything?" you press, "nothing at all?"

His eyes turn defensive, narrowing to gaze at you defiantly. "Nothing at all."

You don't push him— something about him suggests that it would be dangerous to pry. Instead, you come forward to lay a bundle of clothes by his side. When you had found him, his only attire had been a threadbare pair of skinny jeans.

"Put them on," you say, "I can't have you walking around the house half-naked."

Hyunjin takes the clothes in his hands, examining them with interest. You stride out of the living room to give him some privacy. "Come to the dining room when you're dressed to have some breakfast."

Your phone vibrates on your way to the kitchen.

[7:39 am] minho: having fun at the lighthouse ? or have you already started regretting not taking me up on my offer to visit itaewon ?

Grinning, you quickly type out a response.

[7:40 am] i'm having a GREAT time thank u very much

Most people would describe your residence as unique. After all, a lighthouse is not a typical type of home. But if you're being completely honest, having such a tiny home can be restrictive at times. Everything comes in a miniature size. Small kitchen, compact bedroom, miniscule living room. When your parents had asked that you spend your summer vacation at the lighthouse, you had begged to not go, protesting that there were better ways to spend the two luxurious months you got off from college. But they had insisted, saying that visiting the lighthouse was a family tradition, passed on for countless generations.

So you were stuck here. Contrary to common belief, it wasn't an entirely lonesome affair to live in a lighthouse. There was a ferry that traveled between the island and the mainland, which you regularly boarded whenever you craved social interaction and you occasionally hosted tours of the lighthouse as well for curious outsiders. Admittedly, the lighthouse wasn't necessarily a bad vacation destination, it was simply just not your first choice.

You trudge into the kitchen to make some avocado toast, sticking four slices of whole wheat bread into the toaster and spreading mashed avocado over the golden-brown slices of toast. Stacking up the bread onto a tray, you carry it out into the kitchen. Hyunjin is still sitting on the couch, dressed in a pair of gray sweatpants and an white oversized t-shirt. Your breath catches at the sight of him.

In those sweatpants, he resembles Chan a little too much.

Shaking your head, you forcibly push any Chan-related memories to the back of your mind. Instead, you set down the tray onto the dining room table with a loud clatter, pulling out two chairs for you and Hyunjin.

Hyunjin approaches the table cautiously, sitting down hesitantly in the chair. You push a plate of toast closer to him and gesture towards the food. "Go ahead."

You dig into your own toast and watch as Hyunjin carefully picks up the toast and takes a bite. He chews slowly, eyes thoughtful.

You grin. "What, you've never had avocado toast before?"

Hyunjin shakes his head. You raise your eyebrows in dismay— avocado toast is one of the three main staples of your diet along with rice and ramen. You watch as he finishes his toast in silence, his bangs falling into his eyes. You are tempted to offer him a hairband, just to have the visual of Hyunjin with his hair tied back in a purple scrunchie, but decide that it would be too forward.

Instead, you gather up the dirty dishes and dump them into the sink. Hyunjin watches you from the kitchen table, eyes following you wordlessly. He really is too handsome to be true— perfectly-shaped eyebrows and full lips, striking eyes that hold the weight of worlds.

You quickly sponge off the dishes and come back to stand in front of Hyunjin almost hesitantly. He stares at you, dark eyes boring into yours.

"Is it okay if I check on your cuts?"

"What?"

"The cuts on your back," you say, "I want to check if they're doing okay."

Hyunjin's eyes darken with recognition and you pause, intimidated by his gaze. "It's fine if you're uncomfortable I can just—"

But Hyunjin is already turning around, allowing you to lift up his shirt to check up on his wounds. You hesitantly lift up the hem of his t-shirt, eyes sliding over the muscled expanse of his back to where the two long wounds are located.

The sight that greets you makes you gasp. The cuts have closed, but are colored an angry red, the skin tight and swollen.

You run a fingertip down one wound and Hyunjin lets out a hiss of pain. Mumbling an apology, you quickly pull down his t-shirt again and trod into the bathroom to gather ointment from your first aid bag.

Rummaging through the kit, you grab some antibiotic cream and carefully uncap the lid of the bottle, preparing to rub it over Hyunjin's wounds. He watches you quietly, eyes wary, but allows you to lift up the hem of his t-shirt again to apply the cream.

"It's infected," you explain, in case he wants an explanation. Hyunjin nods and allows you to adjust his position for better access.

When you finish spreading a thin layer of cream over his wounds, you wrap his torso with a thick layer of bandages to close off the wound completely and stand up again, letting the t-shirt fall back down. "Hopefully it'll do better after this."

Hyunjin doesn't say anything. For a moment, you hover over him, hesitant, before opting to set to work doing your usual duties. To be honest, you aren't really sure what to do with him. He is so beautiful and strange that it unnerves you more than you'd like to admit. So you leave him to his own devices and make your way to the top of the lighthouse, where you tend to the light beacon.

Technically, it's unnecessary due to modern technology, but you still keep the light on just for the sake of old traditions. Glancing outside, you take a weather reading and record it into the log book — it is damp and humid today, the sky filled with dark menacing clouds.

"What are you doing?"

You jump at the sound of Hyunjin's voice, and turn around to see him leaning against the door frame of the room.

"You shouldn't sneak up on me like that," you breath, "you scared the living shit out of me. And to answer your question, I'm recording the weather in the log book."

Hyunjin frowns, obviously perplexed but doesn't say anything else. You clear your throat. "Do you want anything? Why'd you come and see me?"

"I didn't have anything to do," Hyunjin shrugs. "Can I help? I'd like to repay you for your kindness."

"How thoughtful of you," you smile. "You can help me sweep out the walkway... I rarely have visitors but my parents still insist that I keep the walkway clean."

Hyunjin nods and you lead him outside to the pathway, handing him a broom. "Just sweep the pathway to clear it of any dust. I'll work on weeding it."

Although he is strange and intimidating, Hyunjin proves to be a good worker. He clears out the walkway with a clean efficiency— you watch him out of your peripheral vision while simultaneously weeding the pathway of any stray clumps of grass, marveling over his ethereal looks. In fact, you grow so overly distracted in your attempt to keep an eye on him that you almost end up pulling up a bunch of tulips. Thankfully, you snap awake just before you're about to uproot one of your mother's prize tulip beds.

By the time you've finished weeding, Hyunjin has swept the entire walkway as well as cleared the pathway of any stray pebbles. You stand up to see Hyunjin watching you with expectant eyes. "Is there anything else I can do?"

You shake your head.

"That's it," you say, "unless.."

Hyunjin gazes at you questioningly.

"Have you ever gone fishing before?"

When Hyunjin slowly shakes his head in denial, you take him to the shore of the beach, sitting down by the rocks. The sun has already begun to set, painting the horizon a vivid ochre. Seafoam gathers in frothy clouds against the wet sand as the tide rolls in.

You hand Hyunjin a fishing rod and instruct him on how to fish properly, watching him carefully as he deftly tosses the fishing line into the sea. He moves so adeptly that it’s hard to believe that he’s never done this before.

For a long period of time, the two of you sit by the shore, waiting.

Hyunjin sits with his eyes fixated to the fishing rod clutched in his hands. You hum, leaning back onto your forearms, admiring the ivory reflection of the moon on the sea. Hyunjin glances sideways at you for a moment before turning back to stare at his fishing rod.

"I remember something."

You sit up, suddenly intrigued, and turn to stare at him. "You do?”

Hyunjin nods. "Not much. Just feathers and pain. So much pain.”

He speaks in an oddly detached way, eyes blank as he gazes into the dark seawater.

Sighing, you shake your head, disappointed.

"That's it? I was expecting something more dramatic."

Hyunjin shrugs and adjusts his position, leaning back a bit to press his back against the rock, turning his attention back to his fishing rod. He looks so earnest as he gazes into the sea that you feel inclined to lower his hopes a bit.

"Sometimes I don't catch any fish at all, you know," you say, "so don't be upset if you—"

You are interrupted by a sudden jerk on Hyunjin's line. His eyes glint with excitement as he reels in the rod, lips tugging into a slight smile. Elation looks good on him, you decide. His eyes are dark and alive, almost glowing in the gentle moonlight. You've been sitting on the rocks with him for one or two hours now, watching the tide roll in. You had suggested returning to the lighthouse after the sunset, but Hyunjin had insisted on staying until he caught a fish.

He continues to roll in the line until a skipjack tuna flops onto the shore. You both stare at the fish for a moment until Hyunjin turns to you, grinning. "You were saying?"

You roll your eyes but laugh anyway— it's good to know that he at least has a sense of humor. Hopping off the rocks, you step forward to carefully pick up the tuna, examining it carefully.

The tuna’s scales glint a dark blue in the moonlight, sleek and healthy. Running a hand along the length of the fish, you smile complacently. It’s been quite a while since you’ve last caught a fish as nice as this one.

You end up frying the tuna in soy sauce, topping it off with chopped scallions. Hyunjin watches you like he always does, curled up in the corner of the couch. You serve the fish with rice and kimchi, setting the table for two and gesturing for Hyunjin to come over.

He proves to have a good appetite, devouring the food hungrily. You devote half your time to actually eating, and the other half to admiring Hyunjin. He somehow manages to look attractive even while eating, and you're beginning to think it a little unfair.

The next day, you take Hyunjin out to the beach to dig for mussels. He trots beside you, barefoot in a pair of jeans and a loose fitting white dress shirt. Normally, you hate going mussel hunting, but Hyunjin seemed to want to see more of the island and you thought it would be a good opportunity for him to do so.

Humming, you skip along the length of the beach. It is sunny today— the sky is clear and cloudless, a crystalline blue. You laugh as you run back to walk alongside Hyunjin.

"You kind of look like Howl in that outfit, you know?"

Hyunjin's eyebrows furrow as he peers at you, uncomprehending. "Who?"

You stare at him, eyes widening. "You mean, you've never watched Howl's Moving Castle before?"

Hyunjin shakes his head. You let out a small gasp of despair. "Princess Mononoke?"

He shakes his head again.

"Spirited Away? Ponyo? My Neighbor Totoro?"

Hyunjin's face remains blank and unrecognizing. You shake your head in disbelief. "God, you really are sheltered. I thought everyone knew about Studio Ghibli films."

The atmosphere grows quiet again as you approach the rocks. You demonstrate to Hyunjin the correct way to forage mussels, twisting and pulling them off from the rocks and dropping them into buckets full of cold seawater. Hyunjin proves yet again to be remarkably adept, gathering mussels at a rapid pace. You end up filling the buckets in two hours, and spend the rest of the morning wading through the shallow waters of the tidepools with Hyunjin, gathering exotic looking shells.

You find a pale pink conch shell resting just under the crevice of a barnacle-infested rock and let out a short laugh of surprise. It is tinged gold on the edges, smooth and creamy on the inside. It isn’t everyday that you find a shell so intact and flawless.

"Here," you say, holding out the conch shell to Hyunjin. He stares at you blankly.

"If you hold it to your ear, you can hear the sea."

He takes the conch shell from your hand, slim fingers grazing against yours, and slowly reaches up to hold the shell to his ear. You grin as his eyes light with recognition.

"Pretty cool, right?"

Hyunjin's lips twist into a full-fledged grin. His entire face shifts when he smiles — eyes crinkling at the corners warmly. He looks a little less distant as he smiles, a little less alien.

You turn to go back home at around noon, walking at a considerably slower place. The mussel buckets are heavy, laden with dark gleaming mussels. You boil them in vegetable broth and season them with garlic and ginger.

Hyunjin sits next to you by the dining table and the two of you eat until you feel like bursting. Hyunjin is still cautious around you, but a little less so— his eyes are a bit warmer, less reserved. You watch as he deftly cracks open the mussels to reach the pale yellow meat inside, and realize that it is the longest time you've ever gone without thinking about Chan since The Incident.

You still do not know what to think about Hyunjin, but you suppose that he must be good for you as long as his presence allows you to forget about Chan.

You tend to Hyunjin's wounds after lunch, carefully unraveling the bandages wrapped around his torso and examining the cuts. They are still infected, but considerably less so. You apply more antibiotic cream and wrap up the wounds again.

Hyunjin spends the rest of the afternoon dozing on the couch as you study in your bedroom. You can tell that he's exhausted, even if he's trying his best to conceal it and he looks enormously relieved when you suggest for him to take a nap. By the time he wakes up again, the moon has already risen and hangs low in the inky sky.

You make ramen for dinner and end up forcing Hyunjin to watch Howl's Moving Castle with you. He looks mildly confused as his eyes flit over the screen, quietly observing Turnip-head leading Sophie to the castle and Calcifer complaining as he cooks eggs and bacon. You point out the shocking resemblance between Hyunjin and Howl during one scene, and Hyunjin shakes his head, denying it.

But he wears a small smile throughout the rest of the movie, so you count it as a win.

Hyunjin melds himself into your life until you feel as if he must have always been here with you. He grows stronger as he stays with you, the wounds in his back closing up nicely. But they don't go away, and he says that it still hurts like hell to touch them. Even so, he is healing.

You wonder if he will leave once he is strong enough to.

The memories come back to Hyunjin in fragments, too.

One night, he tells you that he remembers a girl. He doesn't specify any further, but there is a weight in his eyes as he speaks of her.

"A lover?" you ask, peering at him.

Hyunjin shakes his head. "I don't remember."

Another day, as the two of you are sitting by the rocky shore, watching the sunset, Hyunjin tells you that he remembers a large city. A tiny apartment. Cartons of Gamja hotdogs drizzled with ketchup.

Hyunjin's story is absurd when you think of it. Washed ashore onto your island, with no remembrance of his past, and little knowledge about the outside world. Someone whose flesh stitches itself together even as he rips it open.

(You remember Hyunjin accidentally cutting his index finger as he was chopping up tomatoes one afternoon. He had let out an exclamation of pain, dropping the knife. By the time you had rushed over with a bandaid, his skin was already closing on its own, the deep cut fading into smooth skin.)

Someone like Minho would have warned you over the insanity of the entire situation, telling you to tread carefully with Hyunjin, to keep your distance. But something about Hyunjin is so addictive that you find yourself naturally gravitating towards him, even as you attempt to hold him at an arm's length.

His dark eyes, those silky black strands of hair. Those mornings when he stumbles into the kitchen, a vision of eyes swollen with sleep and crimson lips, oversized t-shirt slipping off one shoulder.

You want him. You have long since ceased to deny this fact, because that's what it is. A fact. A statement.

One morning, you wake up to Hyunjin's panicked yelping. You stumble into the living room, still half asleep, to see him pressed into the very corner of the pull-out couch, arms pulled around himself protectively. A large orange tabby cat sits by the foot of the couch, observing him serenely.

"Hyunjin," you gasp, "what's wrong?"

Hyunjin gestures vaguely towards the cat, aghast. "What's that?"

You suppress a peal of laughter. "You mean Kkochi? She's a cat."

Hyunjin stares at you. "You mean it has a name?"

"Sure she does," you say, "she's my pet. She's usually outdoors but she comes into the lighthouse occasionally when she wants company."

You come forward to rub Kkochi's chin as she purrs, closing her eyes in bliss. Hyunjin stares at you in amazement. "You can touch it?"

"Yep," you grin, "she loves it."

Hyunjin slowly inches forward to pat Kkochi's soft fur, running his fingertips over her head. His eyes are wide with awe. You think it's adorable. Kkochi purrs and nudges her head further into Hyunjin's hand, eyes closed half shut.

"Oh, she must like you a lot," you say. "She doesn't usually warm up to strangers so quickly."

Hyunjin smiles a little, scratching over her head. "She's very soft."

That’s how you bond with Hyunjin. Through half-domesticated cats and Studio Ghibli films. By the end of his first three days at the lighthouse, you've already watched four other Ghibli films already, including Princess Mononoke and Spirited Away.

Hyunjin learns of cream puffs and bubble baths and Spotify during his stay at the lighthouse. He picks up a hobby of drawing, filling a notebook you bought him with flawless sketches. You watch as he blooms under your very eyes, and wonder if you are holding him back by keeping here in this lighthouse. Even so, you feel reluctant to let him go.

After all, he is the only good thing that has ever happened to you since The Incident.

Twelve days after Hyunjin arrives at the lighthouse, you open up the fridge and find it devoid of any avocados.

Normally, you only have to visit the mainland every other week or so for groceries, but with Hyunjin here with you, the food has disappeared much faster. You sigh and grab your bag, slipping on your sneakers and donning a hoodie. Hyunjin appears before you, gazing at you curiously. "Where are you going?"

"Town," you say, "I have to pick up some groceries there."

Hyunjin nods, opens his mouth to say something before closing it again. You watch him carefully. "Want to come with me?"

He gives a small nod in affirmation. You hesitate, doubtful, but consent anyway. After all, it’s beneficial for Hyunjin to have more exposure to the outside world. So you take him along with you on the ferry, keeping him close to you.

The ferryman gives Hyunjin one or two dubious glances, but he doesn't comment on it. By the time you reach the mainland, it is already noon. Hyunjin keeps beside you, gazing around him with mild interest.

You turn to glance at him. "What do you think?"

"There's a lot more people than I expected," he says, "but it's nice. I like it."

It's hardly been a minute since Hyunjin stepped off the ferry, and already he's attracting stares. A pair of girls gaze at him from their table at the local café, eyes sliding over his bold eyes and sculpted cheekbones. If Hyunjin notices their gazes, he doesn't show it.

"Want to stop by the local restaurant for lunch? It's already noon."

Hyunjin’s stomach growls in response.

Laughing, you lead him over to a small restaurant and order two servings of bibimbap. He sits on a chair adjacent to you, curious eyes wandering through the restaurant with interest. The restaurant has gone silent since he walked in, the customers abruptly pausing their conversations to stare at this beautiful stranger in awe. A man sitting next to your table almost makes a move to talk to Hyunjin but decides against it.

You cover your mouth with the sleeve of your hoodie to conceal your smile. They really are too fucking obvious.

Hyunjin frowns at you. "What?"

"It's nothing," you say, still grinning.

A waitress comes and sets two bowls of bibimbap in front of you. Hyunjin thanks her for the food, a shy smile curling at the corners of his mouth.

Blushing furiously, the waitress quickly departs, pressing her hands to her cheeks to cool them down. You stifle yet another smile and dig into your food, gesturing for Hyunjin to do the same.

He takes a bite and gives a small groan of delight.

"What do you think?" you ask, "it's good, right?"

Hyunjin nods, chewing. “It’s good. I like your avocado toast more, though."

You take a moment to absorb the impact of his words, heart skipping a beat in your chest as you gaze at him from across the table, cheeks burning. There is a brief moment where you stare awkwardly at each other, unsure of what to say, before you quickly laugh it off and push his bowl of bibimbap closer to him. "Just eat."

After lunch, you take Hyunjin to the local café and introduce him to iced americanos, which he adores immediately. You grin as he lets the aromatic flavor of caffeine sit on his tongue, nodding approvingly at the taste.

"Why didn't you introduce me to this drink earlier?" Hyunjin asks, examining his plastic cup of americano. "It tastes wonderful."

You smile. "It does?"

He nods.

"It also tastes.." he trails off, searching for the appropriate word, "familiar. It tastes familiar."

"Like you've had it before?"

Hyunjin nods again. You consider this piece of information before sighing— it's been twelve days and you still feel no closer to figuring out what exactly happened to Hyunjin before he washed ashore onto your island. What little Hyunjin remembers is so arbitrary and insignificant that it's practically impossible to piece his memories together. You hand a ₩10000 banknote to the cashier before stepping back outside, walking in the direction of the grocery store.

"I just have to go grocery shopping and then we can go home," you tell him, hoisting your bag higher up onto your shoulder. "We're out of avocados and I can't function properly without avocados."

Hyunjin nods, absentmindedly guiding you to the inner side of the sidewalk as a car streaks noisily past you on the street.

You swallow heavily and pretend that you don't find the protective gesture to be stupidly wholesome. Hyunjin walks close to you, hand brushing against your own with every step. You mentally berate yourself for going lightheaded over such a simple action.

By the time you come to a stop in front of the grocery store, the sun has already begun to set. Hyunjin lets out a gasp of amazement as you guide him into the store, pushing along a grocery cart.

He gazes around him in awe, taking in the huge shelves full of food. "Can you just take whatever you want?"

"Pretty much," you smile, "as long as you can pay for it."

He skips through the aisles, stopping occasionally to examine a random product and point it out to you delightedly. You smile as you push the grocery cart and observe him, a sharp pang of fondness resonating deep within your stomach.

Hyunjin draws your attention towards a snowglobe that swirls with glitter whenever you shake it, eyes sparkling with excitement.

"It's like you suddenly became ten years younger," you laugh.

Hyunjin flushes indignantly.

"But I like it!" you quickly say, to appease his temper. "It's cute."

He smiles at that.

By the end of your grocery trip, there are at least nine items in your grocery cart that you have absolutely no use for including the snowglobe that Hyunjin had found so fascinating, a new sketching notebook (your gift for Hyunjin), and a case of handmade soap (because Hyunjin thought they were too pretty to not buy). It's already late in the evening and the day's events have taken their toll on Hyunjin. He looks exhausted, winces in pain at even the slightest pressure applied to his back.

"We just have to checkout," you promise, glancing at Hyunjin worriedly, "then we can board the ferry and go back home."

So you wait in line at the checkout area and Hyunjin stands beside you, eyes tired and dull. By the time you've checked out, it's already dark outside.

You walk together on the side of the street, thoroughly exhausted. Hyunjin seems to be even worse off than you, letting out small exhales of discomfort every time he takes a step. "Just a few more minutes," you say, touching his arm gently, "hold on for a little longer."

He turns to give you a small smile, eyes crinkling at the corners, and your mind immediately goes blank. In fact, you are so captivated by his ethereal looks that you don't even hear the steady whirring of bicycle wheels from behind you until Hyunjin's eyes focus on something just to the right of your left shoulder. His eyes widen in alarm, and you turn around to see a bike cruising towards you at full speed, the rider waving their hands in the air, desperately gesturing for you to get out of the way.

It all happens so fast that you have no time to react. Instead, you brace yourself for the worst, squeezing your eyes tightly shut.

But it never comes.

Instead, everything goes deathly silent.

After about five seconds or so, you open your eyes again. The people surrounding you are motionless and frozen. Their faces are still animated with emotion, as if still in the middle of conversation.

You slowly turn to stare at the bicycle, which most definitely should have collided with you by now. Instead, it is frozen, although caught in the motion of streaking down the street. The rider too is completely stagnant, mouth opened in a silent scream of horror.

Time is, quite literally, frozen.

Everything stands still, motionless and paralyzed. That is, until you hear the scuffle of shoes against pavement from behind you and see Hyunjin, very much alive and moving, looking equally as shocked.

It doesn't take much to put the two and two together.

"You did this?"

Hyunjin shakes his head helplessly. "I don't know."

But he must have, you think. Because who else could have possibly done so if not him? You stare out into the frozen landscape, incredulous.

"Hyunjin," you breathe, wide-eyed and awed, "what exactly are you?"

Hyunjin presses his lips into a firm line. "I don't know, okay?"

He genuinely sounds so horrified that you resist the urge to gather him up in your arms and smooth a hand over his ruffled hair. He looks down at his feet, voice small and vulnerable. "I don't fucking know."

You gently wrap your fingers around his wrist, guiding him to the side of the street. Hyunjin lets himself be tugged along, eyes still trained to the ground.

Eventually, the world unfreezes. The people continue their conversations the moment they spring back to life as if nothing ever happened, and the bicycle continues its destructive course down the street. You marvel at the fact that for a good ten minutes, you and Hyunjin were the only human beings alive in the entire town.

Well, you were the only human being alive. You still don't know what Hyunjin is.

You silently guide Hyunjin to the harbor and board the ferry.

The ride back home is excruciatingly silent.

When you reach the lighthouse, you tend to Hyunjin's wounds and leave him to sleep on the couch. He falls asleep immediately, curling in on himself almost protectively. You brush his bangs out of his eyes and envelope him in a blanket.

You never knew you could have learned to care so intimately for someone in such a short period of time.

Before you leave, you place a plateful of avocado toast by Hyunjin's side for when he wakes up.

Then, you step outside to sit by the shore for a very long time.

Inside your house, asleep on your threadbare pull-out couch, there is someone who can freeze time itself. Whose body can heal itself before your very eyes.

The worst part is, it doesn't make you want him any less.

You tear him apart in your mind, telling yourself that he is a monster— something inhumane.

You should keep your distance from him, you think. Push him away from you. You can't allow him to stay. You can't keep him here with you and make him warm plates of avocado toast in the mornings and take him to the shore to go fishing for tuna.

But you are already waist-deep in those dark pools of liquid glass that he has for eyes.

You crouch down to drag a finger through the seafoam that gathers on the wet sand and allow yourself, for the first time in months, to think of Chan.

He is so similar, and yet so different from Hyunjin. He loved so obviously— held your hand in public and sent you boxes of chocolates on Valentine's Day. A vivid contrast to Hyunjin's quiet thoughtfulness. You had believed, wholly and naively, that you loved him, and that he loved you back.

And then came The Incident. The morning when you visited his apartment unannounced to pick up a sweater you had accidentally left there and found Chan on the sofa, all messy hair and puffy lips.

Against Chan's collarbone was the necklace you had gifted to him for your third anniversary, and in Chan's arms was Jo Miyeon.

Chan had nothing to say to you when you found out. You didn't really have anything to say, either. You just turned and left, crying all the way back to your apartment. You didn't even end up retrieving the sweater.

You hug your knees to your chest and dig your fingers into the soft sand. Chan had tried to contact you countless times after The Incident, sending you text after text begging you to hear him out. You told him to fuck off and blocked his number.

You feel a light weight against your back and turn to see Hyunjin bending to drape his coat over your shoulders before coming to sit beside you. You blink away any possible traces of tears from your eyes and turn to smile at him. "Feeling better?"

Hyunjin nods, before reaching up to gently graze a fingertip against your cheekbone. Your breath hitches in your throat. "What's with the face?"

His fingers remain against your cheeks.

"What do you mean?"

"You always have this look on your face whenever you've been feeling bad over something," he says, eyes still searching your own carefully.

You shake your head. "It's nothing."

Hyunjin sighs but doesn't push. Instead, he leans back a bit and gazes into the dark water of the sea. His bare forearm presses against your own, warm and reassuring. You pull his coat closer around your shoulders, hugging your knees tighter to your chest.

Hyunjin clears his throat gently. "Do you want to rewatch Howl's Moving Castle with me?"

So you walk with Hyunjin back to the house and watch Howl's Moving Castle together and momentarily, everything is okay.

Momentarily.

The next morning, you wake up and cook omelettes for breakfast. Hyunjin sits by you, chewing thoughtfully as you elucidate to him the purpose of laundry detergent. You've gotten used to Hyunjin's limited knowledge of society, and to be completely honest, it's quite enjoyable to explain to him the significance behind turning away when drinking with elders or why kimchi is such a staple food in Korean culture. Something about his innocence is terribly endearing.

Hyunjin spends the rest of the forenoon sitting by the shore, painting the sea in its misty gray morning glory. After mastering sketching, he's decided to pick up oil painting as well. Unsurprisingly, he excels in it.

You study for a bit but find it impossible to focus when you can just catch a glimpse of Hyunjin painting from the corner of your window in your bedroom. Instead, you decide to sweep out the walkway. It's an excellent excuse to spend more time in Hyunjin's presence.

After sweeping, you clear the path of any stray pebbles. As you near the end of the pathway, you find a dead dove lying limp against the gray stone of the walkway. Hyunjin comes running at your exclamation of shock, eyes flashing with worry. When his eyes fall onto the dove, something lights onto his features.

You are not sure what to call it.

Recognition? Horror?

He stares at the lifeless bird in silence, eyes sliding glassily over the white feathers scattered in a halo around the dove, the stain of blood against its slender neck. The awkward angle of the wings as it lies splayed out across the pathway.

You frown.

"Hyunjin," you say, eyebrows knitting together in confusion, "what's wrong?"

Hyunjin slowly turns to look at you. There is nothing but pain in his dark eyes.

The first thing Hyunjin knew when he first opened his eyes was pain. A bottomless, aching pain from deep within his shoulder blades.

At first, it was all that he knew.

And then came a sense of loss. Hyunjin didn't know what he had lost, or how he could ever find it again.

All he knew was that he had lost something, and it had been very, very important to him.

But then you walked into the living room. Fed him the strange bread with the mushy layer of pulpy green spread on top with a scattering of salt and pepper. Tended to his wounds, with forbearing hands and lithe fingers. Took him fishing and taught him to laugh again.

The pain was still there, but with you, the aching subsided into a dull throb.

Hyunjin still didn't remember what he lost.

But bits and pieces of his past slowly came back to him, so tiny and seemingly negligible that he had given up on making any sense of them.

He remembered laughter on a city rooftop. Borrowed hoodies and iced americanos. He remembered a girl. He didn’t quite remember or name, or even what she looked like.

But he recollected the scent of rain and jasmine she carried with her. The silvery quality of her laughter.

Street hotdogs, drizzled in thick strands of ketchup.

Torn feathers and excruciating pain.

The slivers of memories came back to him at a snail-paced rate.

But as he stares at the dead dove, with its blood-soaked feathers and broken wings, it all comes crashing back onto him like a wave, a tsunami of memories.

And here is what he remembers.

He remembers nights spent laughing under the sheets of a twin bed. He remembers gliding through the night air on starlit wings.

He remembers laced fingers and tight embraces. Shared iced americanos in the comfort of a cramped apartment.

Most of all, he remembered the girl. Her name is still lost to him, but he can remember her voice now. Husky and clear, slightly brittle. He can't recall her face, but he remembers that the color of her eyes perfectly matched the hue of ground coffee beans.

He remembers being apprehended and brought to Him. Kneeling before Him and begging for forgiveness— and receiving only contempt instead. Having his wings torn from him, bloodstained feathers scattered across the ground. Feeling the slick warm sense of blood rushing from his back in crimson waves. Falling into the sea, blood still trickling from the deep gashes in his back.

He gazes at you, the memories still bearing down on him in a torrent. You're still staring at him, eyes flashing with concern.

"I think," Hyunjin says, "that I was an angel."

To your everlasting credit, you manage to keep any incredulity off your face.

"Was?"

Hyunjin nods. "I had my wings torn from me."

You frown. "For what?"

Hyunjin smiles, although it ends up twisting into a grimace.

"I fell in love."

You try, in vain, to ignore the stab of jealousy that shoots through you at his words. You swallow down the envy that tears at your throat, fighting to slip out of your mouth.

"Was it with the girl?" you ask, "the girl you mentioned you remembered?"

Hyunjin nods.

“Does she still remember you, too?”

He gives a tense scoff, pain flashing across his face. “She’s dead now. They killed her. As a punishment for falling in love with me.”

You don’t quite know what to say. The pain in Hyunjin’s voice is so audible that it tears through your chest. Hyunjin shakes his head, kicking at a stray pebble, before looking back up to you.

"Shouldn't you be more shocked about the fact that I was an angel?"

You pause. If you're being completely honest, there is a part of you that cannot wrap your mind around the entire situation. But a bigger part of you has always known that Hyunjin wasn't human, although an angel never really crossed your mind.

"I am shocked," you admit, "but it makes sense."

Hyunjin frowns again, but seems to be grateful for your minimal reaction.

"Are your scars from where your wings were?"

Hyunjin nods. "They were ripped from me when I fell."

"So is it, like, illegal to fall in love for an angel?"

"You make it sound so casual," Hyunjin smiles, "but yeah, it pretty much is. God always insisted that our only purpose would be to deliver his messages and worship him infinitely. It was always forbidden to fall in love."

You raise your eyebrows in alarm. "So you've actually seen God?"

"I was an angel," Hyunjin snorts, "I pretty much spent half of my time flying around in the human world and the other half kneeling before him worshiping or something."

"You could fly?"

You know the questions coming out of your mouth sound insanely dumb, but you also can't stop them from slipping out.

Hyunjin sighs. "That's one of the main attributes of being an angel."

You take a moment to survey the entire situation a little more thoroughly. Knowing and acknowledging that Hyunjin is a fallen angel is infinitely more difficult than just knowing and acknowledging that he isn't human. Hyunjin seems much more confident now that his memories have been restored. A little less lost, although he looks a bit dazed.

"Are all angels this good-looking?"

The question slips off your tongue, and you mentally slap yourself for not shutting up when you clearly should have. A smug grin makes its way on Hyunjin's face as he stares at you.

"You think I'm good-looking?"

"Just pretend I didn't say anything."

Hyunjin laughs, a grin stretching across his face. "Actually, I don't think I will."

You flush red, cheeks burning. Hyunjin gazes at you with something like endearment in his eyes. "And to answer your question, pretty much. We're all meant to look ethereal or whatever."

"Now that you know what you are," you say, swallowing hesitantly, "what are you going to do now?"

Hyunjin hesitates, ruminating quietly.

"I'm not sure," he admits. "Usually, fallen angels descend to Hell to serve Lucifer instead. But.."

He trails off, almost bashfully. You tilt your head. "But what?"

"I'd rather stay here with you."

Oh.

Your heart expands in your chest. You can't help the flush of delight that makes its way to your cheeks. "Didn't know you enjoyed my company that much."

"I'm only staying for the avocado toast."

"I liked you better when you were suffering from an identity crisis," you scoff. "Less cocky."

But you smile anyways, and take him fishing.

Just like that, your life with Hyunjin fades into a comfortable rhythm. Hyunjin grows into his own skin as the days progress, and you marvel at the transformation in his character ever since he retrieved his memories.

There isn't much of a shift in your relationship. Hyunjin still carries himself with a quiet thoughtfulness in his eyes, and you still wake him up every morning to make avocado toast for him.

Admittedly, there is a lot more mindless touching between the two of you. Gentle hand squeezes while walking along the length of the shore, sleepy backhugs while binging a k-drama that neither of you could give two fucks about. Hyunjin is so casual about it that you don't bother mentioning it to him.

Besides, you rather like it when he touches you.

You hardly ever think of Chan anymore. Not when you have Hyunjin here, with his shy laughter and dark eyes. The days pass by in a blur— a melty haze of sunkissed mornings and evenings spent sitting by the shore.

You think you could get used to this. This kind of life, with this boy who fell from Heaven by your side.

Next to you, Hyunjin shifts slightly, shoulder pressing into yours. You're sitting on the lumpy couch, a blanket pulled over your lap. Hyunjin stares at the screen of the television, eyes fixated onto the k-drama.

"Hyun," you say.

Hyunjin turns to glance at you expectantly. You don't know when exactly you had started to use the nickname— you suppose it just absentmindedly tumbled off your tongue one day. But Hyunjin seems to receive it well, and you're a sucker for the sheer domesticity of calling him by a nickname.

"Tomorrow, they'll be holding a huge festival celebration on the mainland for Chilseok," you say, "do you want to go?"

Hyunjin pauses. His back has been hurting more frequently recently, even though the infection has long since left his scars. You've been worrying over it, even though Hyunjin has been insisting that he's fine.

"They hold the festival every year," you explain, "to celebrate the one day Jiknyeo and Gyeonwu meet on a bridge made of magpies and crows. You haven't heard of it?"

Hyunjin shakes his head.

You sigh. "Well, anyway. They always make the best grilled wheat flour noodles at the festival, so I always go. Plus, they also make steamed rice cakes, which is a bonus."

Hyunjin's eyes light up at the mention of food as he nods eagerly.

The next morning, you board the ferry, taking Hyunjin along with you. He winces as he walks, and you feel a stab of worry pierce through your heart.

"Maybe we should go see a doctor or something," you say, glancing at him in concern.

Hyunjin smiles. "And then what? They'll find out about my supernatural properties and then I'll be used as a test subject for all their fucked up experiments. I'd rather not."

"But still, it's obviously getting worse. And I don't know how to fix it, either."

You frown, eyebrows furrowing uneasily. Hyunjin gazes at you for a moment, before reaching out to pull you into a backhug, pressing your back to his chest and resting his chin against the top of your head. "Don't worry about it. It'll be fine."

You allow yourself to lean into his touch, running a hand along the sleeve of his gray hoodie but continue to worry.

The mainland is already in chaos by the time you arrive. Normally, Chilseok isn't a huge festival in Korea, but here, it is easily one of the most celebrated ones. There are streamers decorating the roofs of the buildings, and the smell of wheat flour noodle soup boiling in the air. Hyunjin keeps you close to him as he presses through the crowds, reaching out a hand to grip your waist.

"Hyun, look," you say, gesturing towards a rice cake stand.

Normally, you dislike rice cake. But the ones they make at Chilseok are nothing short of heavenly, warm and sticky, topped with azuki beans. You lead Hyunjin over to the stand and quickly get in line.

Hyunjin stays by your side for a moment, before catching sight of a wheat pancake stall, pupils dilating in hunger.

Wordlessly, you hand him two crisp ₩10000 banknotes and gesture for him to go ahead. Normally, you would be worried about leaving Hyunjin on his own. But you know he needs more social exposure, and you think this would be a good opportunity to do so.

Hyunjin hesitates briefly, almost apprehensively. You laugh and give him a small shove. "Go on, it'll only be a moment."

Hyunjin trots off towards the stall, tightly clutching the banknotes in his hands, and you turn to retrieve a ₩10000 banknote from your wallet, humming to yourself.

And then a voice says your name from behind you.

You pause, your body stiffening instinctively, banknote clutched tightly in your hand.

You would recognize that voice anywhere, anytime.

Slowly, you turn around. Your stomach dips at the sight of him standing in front of you, eyes inquisitive and bright, skin glowing in the beam of sunlight that washes over him. Your chest seizes up at the sight of him.

"Chan."

He's dressed in a pair of black ripped skinny jeans and a white t-shirt. He looks good. Chan always looks good. Maybe he’d be a little easier to erase if he didn’t look so damn good all the fucking time.

Your voice turns hostile as you take a step back, eyes narrowing. "What are you doing here?"

"What, I can't come to celebrate Chilseok too?" he laughs, taking a step forward. "Wasn't expecting to see you here, though."

You take another step back, almost bumping into the person in front of you in line. They shoot you a dirty look, which you ignore.

"Leave," you spit. "Now."

Chan rolls his eyes. "It's been months since we last saw each other, and this is how you greet me? I just came to say hi."

"Chan, go. I don't want to talk. I've got nothing to say to you, anyways."

Chan sighs and takes another step forward, making a move to grab your hand. But before he can do so, a warm hand comes to grasp your shoulder lightly.

Hyunjin stands next to you, staring at Chan almost belligerently.

"Hyunjin," you breathe. The relief in your voice is so apparent that even Chan seems to notice it.

Hyunjin doesn't take his eyes off Chan. "Who's he?"

Chan frowns. "I should be asking the same question."

Hyunjin's grip on your shoulder tightens. "Maybe you should mind your own fucking business."

You feel as if you might just explode with embarrassment. Chan barks out a short, bitter laugh.

"Got yourself a new boyfriend already? You moved on really fucking fast."

"Don't you think you're being a little hypocritical? If I recall correctly, wasn't it you who cheated on me?"

Hyunjin watches the exchange between you and Chan, realization slowly dawning on his face. You sigh, running a tired hand through your hair. "Just go, Chan. I don't have the energy to deal with you."

Chan opens his mouth to retort, but before he can do so, Hyunjin steps in between the two of you, forcing him to take a step back. "You heard them. Leave."

You watch as Chan's face hardens acidly.

"Fine. Have it your way."

He turns and leaves, hands clenched so tightly by his sides that his knuckles turn white. Hyunjin turns to you the moment he leaves, worry etched into his face.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," you say, grinning up at him. "You didn't have to come save me, you know? I was perfectly capable of handling the situation by myself."

Hyunjin's face softens into a smile as he reaches up to brush off a strand of grass from your hair. "You would have done the same thing if it had been me."

You roll your eyes but don't try to oppose him. He's right, anyways. "Did you get the wheat pancakes?"

Hyunjin holds up a white paper bag victoriously. "The woman operating the stall even offered to give me another 2 pancakes for free! The people are so nice here."

"They're not nice," you laugh, "they just think you're handsome."

Hyunjin flushes, ears going red. You laugh again, something like adoration pulsing through you as you gaze at him. From behind you, someone clears their throat. You turn to see the rice cake stand operator staring at you expectantly.

Hurriedly, you hold out a ₩10000 banknote to him, cheeks burning and accept the rice cakes he gives you apologetically. Hyunjin stifles a laugh as you trod off, still red with embarrassment.

You sit down by a bench to eat the rice cakes, Hyunjin coming to sit beside you. You groan in ecstasy the moment you bite into a cake, eyes closing in delight. Hyunjin smiles. "Is it good?"

You nod earnestly, reaching into the bag to hold out another skewer of rice cakes for Hyunjin. "You should try some, they taste heavenly."

Hyunjin takes a bite, chewing silently. "It's good. Still not as good as the food from Heaven, though."

You stare at him. "You ate food in Heaven?"

He nods, examining the skewer of rice cake in his hand. "We usually ate manna, although we had ambrosia too sometimes."

You smile. "It sounds good."

"It was," Hyunjin nods emphatically, "ambrosia always tasted different every time you had it."

He speaks with something almost akin to longing in his voice. You are silent for a moment, contemplating.

"Do you miss being an angel?"

Hyunjin pauses, before shrugging. "It was fun. But it was full of restraints and limitations. There were always so many rules— I always knew I'd end up getting my wings taken away anyways. I was too impulsive to be a good angel."

He turns to smile at you shyly, eyes crinkling into crescent moons.

"Besides, I like it here with you."

You exhale slowly. Hyunjin stares at you with such open adoration in his eyes, such pure trust. You throb with want, with the need to love this fallen angel with the scars carved deep into his back and dark eyes that glow with stardust with everything that you are— everything that you ever will be.

Before you can think it through, you lean forward and capture his lips with your own.

You feel Hyunjin tense up momentarily, stiffening in shock, before immediately reciprocating the kiss. He tastes like sticky rice cake and sea salt, thick and sweet against your lips. You allow him to lean further into you, a hand slowly coming up to cup your cheek and the other coming to grip your waist lightly.

You break apart after a few moments to breathe, lips puffy and swollen. Hyunjin hums lowly from the back of his throat, hand still pressed against your cheek. You allow him to nose along your jaw, pressing chaste kisses against your jawline.

"Hyun," you mumble, running a hand through his hair. Hyunjin gives a hum in response, grazing his lips against your cheekbone. You sit back a bit, gently pushing him away. He gives an disgruntled huff but leans back to stare at you expectantly.

Biting your lip, you glance around you. There are several people staring at you already. "We shouldn't do it here."

"Let's go back home, then," he says, immediately standing up and holding out a hand to you.

His eagerness is endearing. You laugh as you take his hand, allowing him to pull you up. Hyunjin doesn't let go of your hand as he pulls you along into the direction of the ferry, dark locks of hair flying in the wind. He wraps you in a tight embrace the entire ride home, pressing you against the railing of the ferry and leaving butterfly kisses across your cheeks, oblivious to the dirty looks the ferryman keeps on sending your way as he operates the boat.

You almost consider apologizing to the man for all the troubles he's gone through with the two of you, but then Hyunjin brushes a kiss to the juncture between your neck and your shoulder and your mind goes blank as you pull Hyunjin closer, wrapping your arms tight around his torso.

The two of you end up spending the rest of the evening kissing and talking, lying in a tangled mess on the couch. You binge watch a k-drama, although you don't end up remembering a single thing the next morning except for the way Hyunjin cupped your cheeks warmly as he kissed you, the way he leaned into you when you pulled him into a backhug, wrapping your arms around his waist and pulling his back into your chest.

You think that this must be the happiest you've ever been. Wrapped tightly in Hyunjin's arms, lips molded against his on the mangy couch of your living room.

You remember how your mother had once told you to be careful with the way you lived your life— that the gods hated to see humans too happy. But you are too intoxicated in the drug that is Hyunjin to care much about what gods think.

You don't bother defining the relationship.

You think that it's unnecessary. Partly because Hyunjin has grown up without knowledge of human norms and seems to see no need in defining whatever it is he has with you, and partly because there is no need to. In the haven that is the lighthouse by the sea, it feels almost irrelevant to live life by rigid definitions and ideologies— it seems much more fitting to live in between the lines, uncharted and hazy.

But you know that you love Hyunjin. This you know better than anything. And you think, at least, that Hyunjin loves you.

It is only during the first week of August that you know for sure that Hyunjin loves you back.

July goes by so quickly that it almost seems as if it never happened in the first place. You lose yourself in Hyunjin's charms, in his raspy morning voice as he stumbles into the kitchen to wrap you into a sleepy backhug as you fry eggs for the two of you or his habit of leaving trails of butterfly kisses against your fingertips as he sits next to you.

Living with Hyunjin seems to be Heaven on earth— a very accurate metaphor considering the fact that Hyunjin was quite literally an angel. But as wonderful as it all is, it is also painfully obvious that there is something wrong with him.

Although the wounds on his back seem to heal at first, they quickly worsen during the period of July. The pain starts off only as a dull throbbing, but soon expands into a sharp and agonizing ache. Hyunjin insists that he is fine, brushing it off with a dismissive smile, but you find it impossible to believe.

Not when he tosses and turns on the couch at night in pain, unable to find a comfortable position to sleep without hurting his back.

You continue to tend to his wounds daily and press him to see a doctor. Hyunjin, again, refuses, saying that he'd rather stay here— that he couldn't risk being discovered to be an angel.

You never realized angels could be so stubborn.

By the first week of August, Hyunjin can hardly get out of bed without wincing in pain. Dark corded veins run along the lengths of his scars, so dark that they almost look black. You can do nothing but keep by his side, pressing poultices to his wounds and running a cool towel across his sweaty forehead. Neither of you can understand why it is that his wounds only seem to worsen, even though they show no sign of infection or contamination.

It isn't until Felix comes a few days later that everything makes much more sense.

Felix comes in all his angelic glory, dressed in dark jeans and a white t-shirt, halcyon ivory wings sprouting from his back. He walks almost hesitantly up the pathway and comes to knock at the door of the lighthouse. When you open the door a few seconds later, you both end up screaming in surprise at the sight of each other.

Hyunjin quickly comes over to the doorway after hearing your scream and halts the commotion by hurriedly explaining to you that Felix used to be one of his angel companions. You quickly compose yourself and let Felix into the house, blushing furiously.

Admittedly, you probably should have seen that coming. But when a real live angel is standing right in front of you, it's difficult to do anything but scream and stare. Felix comes to sit by the couch, wings folded up awkwardly behind him. He introduces himself shortly, his seraphic face a stark contrast to his deep voice.

Hyunjin sits by him rigidly, hands held stiffly in his lap. He keeps on casting side glances at you, as if checking if you were alright. It would be a cute gesture, you think, if the atmosphere wasn't so tense.

The moment Felix finishes his introductions, he jumps straight to the point. Turning to face Hyunjin, he studies him worriedly. "Has it started yet?"

"Has what started?" Hyunjin asks, frowning.

"The pain. Have the scars started to hurt yet?"

Hyunjin swallows, and turns to look at you. You stare at him mutely from across the couch, eyes wide. Slowly, Hyunjin turns to face Felix again and gives a short nod.

Felix groans, pinching the bridge of his nose with his fingers. There is a dusting of freckles across his cheeks and his nose, you notice. His skin practically glows in the dimly lit space of your living room.

Hyunjin leans in closer to Felix, staring at him expectantly. "Do you know why it's happening? How we can stop it?"

"I'm surprised you haven't figured it out yourself," Felix says, "an angel like you isn't supposed to exist in the human world in the first place, even if you have fallen. You have to descend to Hell so you can fully metamorphose into a demon."

Hyunjin's frown deepens as he considers Felix.

"I can only stay for half an hour at the most. I had Changbin cover for me so that I wouldn't be caught, but he can only conceal my absence for so long. If they find out that I visited you, they'll expel me too." Felix cautions. "I just came to warn you. Even if you've fallen, you're still one of my closest friends."

You feel overwhelmed by the sudden torrent of information. Swallowing hard, you tuck your hands underneath your thighs and look down into your lap. You can feel Hyunjin's gaze boring into you, but you don't look up.

"Is there any way I can stay here?" Hyunjin asks. "Without having to leave for Hell?"

Felix shakes his head. "You were never made to exist as something in between, Hyunjin. It was always to be either a demon or an angel. There is no gray area. If you stay here, you'll die."

You don't dare look up, afraid that your eyes will betray you.

Felix lets out a frustrated sigh, running a hand through his blonde locks of hair. "Hyunjin, this is a life or death scenario. Why the fuck are you hesitating?"

Hyunjin stares hard at your trembling frame, willing you to look at him. You keep your eyes trained to your lap. Felix slowly follows his gaze until his eyes set onto you and glances between you and Hyunjin, eyes narrowed.

"Don't tell me you're—"

"Yeah. Yeah, we are."

Hyunjin has never spoken in such a hard tone since that day with Chan. You almost don't recognize his voice.

"Again?" Felix groans, sighing. "Was the first time not enough?"

Hyunjin shrugs wordlessly, sitting back into the couch. You sit in silence, contemplating, although there really is nothing to contemplate about. The answer is obvious, although painfully hard to admit.

"Hyun," you say, looking up. Hyunjin glances up to look at you, something like hope glinting in his dark eyes. "You should go. It's wrong of me to keep you here."

His face falls at your words, the light in his eyes flickering out. You tell yourself that this is what was to be expected. After all, the past few months with him really were too good to be true.

Standing up abruptly, you turn to trudge into your bedroom. "You can leave first thing in the morning."

"But what if I want to stay?" Hyunjin challenges, glaring at you defiantly. "What if I would rather stay here? You can't force me out."

"Actually, I can. It's my house," you say, and hate yourself for the way Hyunjin flinches at your words, the hurt that flashes across his face. "Leave by tomorrow morning."

Hyunjin catches your wrist as you brush past him, gazing at you with pleading eyes. You press your lips into a firm line and shake your head.

"You have to go, Hyunjin," you say, softly. "There's no other way."

You tug your wrist from his grip and walk stiffly away from him, hands held tightly to your sides.

Felix watches your exchange silently, bottom lip caught between his teeth. You stumble into your bedroom and collapse onto the bed, burrowing under the sheets.

Your mother did not lie.

The gods truly did hate to see humans too happy— hated it enough that they would dare to take Hyunjin away from you.

You lie in bed, staring at the white plaster of your ceiling, and wonder if Hyunjin will miss you just as much as you miss him.

A few hours later, Hyunjin slips into your bedroom and comes to sit by your bedside. You don't ever dare to look at him.

He reaches out to place a plate of avocado toast by your bedside, pausing for a long moment to stare at you. The look in his eyes is so full of longing that it takes a considerable amount of self-control to refrain from pulling him into your arms and kissing him.

You turn away from him, and hug your arms around yourself.

"When you leave tomorrow, just go. Don't bother saying goodbye."

Hyunjin makes a soft noise of protest from the back of his throat.

"It'll be easier for both of us that way."

You can hear Hyunjin swallow hard as he gazes at you from the doorway of your bedroom. But his voice is hard and steely as he speaks.

"Fine. Have it your way."

You end up telling yourself repeatedly throughout the course of the night that Hyunjin's departure will be easier without farewells.

When you hear Hyunjin rouse from the couch at 5 am the next morning, it takes an enormous amount of restraint to keep from tearing out of the bedroom and pulling him into a tight embrace. You sit in bed, teeth gritted, and tell yourself that it'll be for the greater good.

You eventually give in by the time you hear Hyunjin slip out of the lighthouse. Slipping on a fuzzy pair of bunny slippers and a thin hoodie, you run out after him. Hyunjin is standing by the shore when you reach him, dark hair blowing in the wind. He turns in surprise when you call out his name, although the shock immediately morphs into relief.

You come to stand a few feet away from him, panting.

Hyunjin's eyes sweep over your frame, taking in the fluffy bunny slippers and the striped pajamas. You are too anxious to feel embarrassed.

"Sorry," you breathe, "I couldn't stand it."

Hyunjin looks tempted to tease you for a moment, before deciding against it. Instead, he smiles and brushes a stray strand of hair from your face. "I'm glad you came."

You feel unsure of what to do. For the first time in weeks, there is an awkward tension between the two of you. Eventually, Hyunjin steps forward and pulls you into a hug. You wrap your arms around his waist and press your cheek against his chest. The two of you stay like that for a moment before breaking apart.

"Take care of yourself in Hell, okay?"

Hyunjin nods.

"I don't think I'll ever see you again," you swallow, looking up to gaze at him with glassy eyes. "But thank you for everything."

Hyunjin stares at you mutely, eyes wide. Something flickers in his eyes that you can’t quite pinpoint.

Perhaps it is love.

"The days I spent with you were the happiest moments of my life. I'm glad I met you, Hyunjin."

You let his name sit heavy on your tongue, relishing the sweet aftertaste it leaves in your mouth. Hyunjin reaches out a hand to cup your cheek.

"I'll come back to you one day," he says, almost fiercely. "I will."

"Don't make promises you can't keep," you grin, pushing his hand away from your cheek.

"I plan to keep this one."

Hyunjin genuinely looks so determined that you don't bother arguing back. Instead, you smile and nod. "Okay. Come back to me, then. Someday."

Dawn breaks out across the sky, a soft orange sun peaking out from behind the gray clouds. You take a step back, wrapping your arms around yourself. "You probably should get going."

Hyunjin doesn't say anything, so you turn, almost awkwardly, and prepare to walk away. Hyunjin catches your wrist right before you leave and tugs you to him, capturing your lips in a bruising kiss.

You give a small gasp in surprise but allow him to press his lips against yours, hard. The kiss only lasts for a few moments before Hyunjin pulls back, breathing heavily.

You press a gentle kiss to his cheek before quickly turning to walk away. You don't think you'll be able to bring yourself to leave if you don't go now. Hyunjin watches you go, silently, eyes following your retreating figure.

By the time you've reached the lighthouse, he's disappeared.

Without Hyunjin, the months pass by in dreary monotone.

You move back to Seoul by the time autumn comes around to enroll into college, renting a tiny apartment in Pyeongchang. Although there have been a few who have expressed interest in you, your love life remains static and passive.

How can you have anyone else, you think, when you've had Hyunjin?

Instead, you throw yourself into your studies and try to forget about the boy from the summer, with the dark locks of hair and striking eyes. Admittedly, you only end up thinking of him more in your attempt to forget him, but it doesn't keep you from trying.

It is during a stormy winter night that Hyunjin first comes back to you.

You are sitting by your desk, finishing up a couple of college assignments when you hear a soft knock by your balcony door.

You are unsuspecting as you pull open the door, expecting it to be a pigeon collision or something similar— over the short expanse of time you've spent living in Seoul, you have learned of the shocking amount of moronic pigeons that subside on the streets of Seoul.

So your shock is plausible when you yank open the door to find Hyunjin standing on the balcony.

You let out a yell of surprise, falling backwards. Hyunjin stifles a laugh as he observes you, amusement dancing in his eyes.

Standing up quickly, you brush off your pants and before you can stop yourself—

"What are you doing here?"

Hyunjin looks slightly taken aback. "Why, don't you want to see me?"

"I mean, yes, but.." you falter, "I wasn't expecting it to be so soon."

"Have you missed me?"

You shrug. "Not really. I've been really busy lately."

(That was a lie. There hasn't been a day where you haven't thought of Hyunjin and missed him profusely.)

Hyunjin grins.

"You're a terrible liar."

You splutter in protest and Hyunjin laughs, flicking his bangs out of his eyes. "If it makes you feel any better, you're always on my mind too."

You flush at that, cheeks going red, and allow yourself a moment to admire him, taking in his feline eyes and lean frame. He looks so much healthier than how you left him, skin taking on a gentle glow. Dark wings sprout from his back, sleek and glossy. You let out a small gasp.

"You have wings?"

Hyunjin smiles. "That's kind of the point of being a demon, you know."

You approach him to run a hand along the black feathers. They are as soft as you imagined them to be, rippling like water underneath your touch.

"They suit you."

"Yeah?" Hyunjin smiles. "I've gotten pretty used to them."

Eventually, after a bit of jostling and adjusting, you manage to fit Hyunjin into the apartment. He keeps his wings folded neatly behind him, careful to keep from knocking anything to the ground. The moment you close the balcony door and turn to him, he steps forward to mold his lips against yours.

You wrap your arms around his neck and revere in the taste of Hyunjin against your lips. It's been a very, very long time since you've had him like this, pressed against you, lips moving against your own.

After a few moments, you break apart.

"How did you even get here in the first place?" you ask, breathless.

Hyunjin shrugs. "I pulled a few strings here and there. It took a lot of planning, but it all worked out, eventually."

You lean forward eagerly. "What's Hell like?"

"Way better than what they make it out as," Hyunjin laughs. "I can take you there, one day. Just to see what it's like. And to meet all my friends."

You end up spending the rest of the night sprawled on the couch, talking. You come to realize the magnitude of your yearning as you sit by Hyunjin, listening to him ramble about the breakfast buffet they have in Hell that happens to serve 279 different types of food. He runs a finger along the length of your forearm as he talks, eyes animated and alive.

You've spent so long pining for him that it feels surreal to have him beside you.

When Hyunjin runs out of things to ramble about, he turns to you expectantly. "What about you?"

"Nothing's really been happening with me," you smile ruefully, running a fingertip across the sleek expanse of his dark wings, "my life's really fucking boring compared to yours. Or at least, it's been extremely dull without you."

Hyunjin absorbs your words quietly.

When he turns to stare at you, there is nothing but raw emotion written across his face. His voice is low when he speaks up.

"It's not just you, you know. I miss you more than anything, too."

You bite your lip, looking down into your lap. "When are you leaving?"

"I'll have to leave by the morning," he says, gently.

"Will you ever come back again?"

"I'll have to," he smiles. "I can't go more than half a year without seeing your face at least once."

And then you shove his shoulder and ask him when the fuck did he get so cheesy and he laughs and insists that it's just his love for you and you indulge in the sense of normalcy— the sense of conventionality you feel as he sits next to you, head rested against your shoulder.

That's how you end up falling asleep. In a tangled mess of limbs on the couch, under a thick cocoon of blankets. Hyunjin's wings wrap around you as he presses you to his chest, sighing contentedly. You settle into his embrace and try your best to not think of what is to come by the time dawn breaks.

By the time you awaken, Hyunjin is already up. He is sitting by the couch, watching your sleeping form with something fierce and aching in his eyes.

You let out a sleepy groan, rubbing your eyes blearily. “Leaving already?”

Hyunjin nods wordlessly.

For some reason, it is much, much harder to let him go the second time.

This time, it is you who initiates the kiss. You draw him to you by the doorway of the apartment and press your lips against his, letting out a soft exhale of relief as your lips connect. Hyunjin kisses you back for a moment, before gently detangling your arms from him, stepping back. You watch him go silently.

You are already missing him by the time you close the door to your apartment.

Hyunjin comes back to you for the second time the next summer.

You decide to return to the island after your college semester ends, choosing to relive the nostalgia of last year. Your friends complain loudly when you announce your decision to them, but don't object. You spend the first month or so tending to the lighthouse, occasionally going on fishing trips or collecting shells.

It is not the same without Hyunjin.

You choose to stay at home during Chilseok— you enjoy nostalgia, but not to an extent that you would travel to the same place you and Hyunjin kissed exactly one year ago.

So instead of traveling to town to eat azuki bean rice cakes and grilled wheat flour noodles, you go fishing.

You are walking along the shore, clutching a pail full of fishing gear, when you spot Hyunjin's body, washed up on the shore. Your breath catches in your throat as you run to him, heart beating wildly in your chest.

There is dried salt caked over his collarbones and sand pressed to the pale column of his throat.

Nevertheless, he is breathing. You let out a deep sigh of relief.

It only takes you the rest of the evening to drag him back to the lighthouse. There is a sense of regularity in your actions, although the entire situation is exceedingly absurd.

After all, what are the chances of Hyunjin washing up on your island not once, but two times?

You are rinsing out the salt from his hair when you realize that his wings are gone.

Very slowly, and very carefully, you roll him over and find that his back is free of any blemishes or scars. There is only a smooth expanse of skin where black wings should be. Your breath hitches in your throat.

You don't allow yourself to hope.

Instead, you drape a blanket over his unconscious form and wait until he regains consciousness.

It doesn't take long.

In a few hours, his eyelids flutter open. Slowly, he sits up. You watch him carefully, sitting next to him by the couch.

His eyes flicker to you. For a long and terrible moment, you are afraid that he will not recognize you. That his memory will be completely erased, just like last time.

But then he utters your name, voice hoarse and hesitant. And you are throwing yourself onto him, laughing and hugging and sobbing all at once. Hyunjin groans as you pull him into a crushing embrace but smiles anyway, rubbing away the tears that spill from your eyes with his fingertips.

"How did you come back?" you gasp. "And where are your wings?"

Hyunjin grins sheepishly.

"It took me forever to convince Lucifer," he says, "but he gave in, eventually."

"Convince him of what?"

Hyunjin rolls his eyes. "What do you think? To turn me human, of course."

You stare at him, speechless.

After a long moment of silence, you finally speak up. "So you can, like, stay here now? With me? Forever?"

Hyunjin grins.

The euphoria that floods your veins at Hyunjin's smile is indescribable in its magnitude.

"How did you do it?" you breathe. "Hyunjin, how the fuck did you manage it?"

"It's not like Lucifer hasn't fallen in love before either," he shrugs, "he sympathized with me. Besides, I was constantly slacking off on my duties as a devil. Couldn't stop thinking about you."

He's hardly finished talking before you're tripping forward to kiss him, almost feverishly. You recall the past year you've spent, longing and waiting, and feel that it is indefinitely worth it now that he's here with you, in your cramped living room on the lumpy couch, salty-sweet against your lips.

Hyunjin wraps an arm around you, and you fall into his embrace.

You think that you will love him like this for infinity, in this lifetime, and in the thousands of other lifetimes you will chase him across.

"But love is impossible, and it goes on despite the impossible." — Ada Limón, In a Mexican Restaurant I Recall How Much You Upset Me.

Spring

— pairing: hyunjin x fem!reader

— warning: none

— wc: 248w

— genre: angst with no happy ending

— song: Spring by Hwang Hyunjin

— lyrics: bold and italic words

— summary: hyunjin and y/n were a happy couple, but it soon broke down once hyunjin had broken things off with her on spring, the season her and hyunjin first got together as a newly loved couple. Hyunjin left y/n to leave her in the dark with so much thought in her mind. while doing so, she continued questioning.

Spring is coming

Winter is gone but

Spring is a beautiful season. But, it was the worst time of the year. I feel as if I'm being stuck once again. Hearts are shattered into pieces that won't be put together until you find another love. But mines weren't just any pieces.. it was pieces that could not be cured another time in love.

I'm still frozen

When the spring comes

I hate thinking of you, especially the time you let me go. Why did you? You told me you would love me... right? I guess it was just some fairytale happening between us. Thinking about it, I would rather feel less pain than you've given me than I already am. I feel cold, I still feel no warmth in my body, and I feel as if I'm going away.

Smile with me with

The Flowers

But thinking about more of it, all I can do is thank you for being my bright. Hwang Hyunjin, the man who I adore from love, the love of my life, would always be cherished from the bottom of my heart. With that smile, you gave me that last spring would be my very last ever happiness. I don't think I would be able to continue with happiness. I love you, continue with that smile of yours, that laugh of yours.. go on without me, 'cause after all, our love was just like Spring.

- Y/n