I Feel Sick And Scared - Tumblr Posts

This first thing I thought when I woke up from surgery was I am so hungry and I need ramen right now! but the second thing I thought was Oh my god, I'm safe.

I was safe.

I thought about having kids someday, but the thought was always divorced from the concept of having to grow them in my body. Whenever I thought about it, I would either start screaming or my mind would shut down. My worst nightmares featured discovering I was pregnant, and realizing I would have to keep it, and go through childbirth. I was terrified.

I got the surgery, and realized I was safe, and I never had those nightmares ever again. It was like finding out I was bulletproof.

Later, I looked at the broken condom, and I didn't see my life flash before my eyes. I didn't see my hopes and dreams turn to ash as I pivoted all my energy into a child I didn't want. I didn't see a possibility of starvation or homelessness because my already modest income went to a child I couldn't afford. I didn't see my disabled body becoming further disabled, or killed, by a pregnancy that I didn't want.

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