I Have No More Spoons - Tumblr Posts

TW: Sexual Trauma

I'm not Jewel, but I needed to get this out and I can't really talk to anyone in my Life about this.

I'm the host of a DID system, and we're currently in a treatment center. We went into treatment originally to process the 1 time I got raped. At least I thought that the extent of the trauma was just that one time. I had been practicing unhealthy sex, mostly with men off of grindr for a month before that event, and a few months after. I would almost compulsively have sex with men that I wasn't interested in. I would force myself to engage in activities that I didnt want to do, and often found myself under someone with my eyes closed, wishing it wasn't happening. While I was doing all of that, I fell into a persistent depression. I had trouble managing school, work, and my commitments to maintain my sobriety. I had thought that the cause of that was the one singular time I was raped. I am now learning I was wrong.

A couple months into me being in treatment, I started to acknowledge another situation where I was sexually assaulted. I thought the trauma ended there. Apparently not. I was in therapy today and offhandedly mentioned that my brain will show me images and memories of the times that I had faked wanting to have sex, and that it was distressing. Along with some other things, she informed me that I was having flashbacks. That kind of confused me because it was all technically consensual, there was no one at fault. The men didn't know i was secretly unwilling.

I'm just currently trying to wrap my brain around the idea that I have way more adult sexual trauma than I had thought. That my recovery from this is going to be even longer than I originally thought. I'm overwhelmed and upset with myself and I'm feeling a significant amount of shame.