Actuallydid - Tumblr Posts
Reminder for the systems with introjects/fictives:
• You are valid as a system, regardless of how many introjects you have.
• You are valid as a system, regardless of where your introjects come from.
• You can have more than one alter from a single source.
• If you’re not human, you’re still valid.
• You are not your source.
• Your alters are not their sources.
Introject-heavy systems are valid. Systems without a lot of introjects - or without any introjects - are valid.
Hello!
Hi there! I'm Jewel (they/them.) I'm transitioning to be the host of my osdd system and I wanted to make a tumblr because the other host seemed to have a lot of fun with it. I've slowly been taking more and more time fronting and revealing the work I've been doing behind the scenes so that the other host didn't freak the absolute fuck out. I don't have a lot of friends I can talk to about systems so it would be really cool to find fun mutuals and friends. my dms are super super open :)
We're in recovery from addiction/alcoholism, which has been a journey for sure. I like to listen to music and read fanfictions of fandoms im not in lol.
Anywaysss. It's honestly pretty lonely right now because only one other person (other than our therapist) knows about us irl. This is me shamelessly begging for friends and people to talk to.
Something honestly pretty cool to see is how I've genuinely been helping the system. We got a promotion at work, which we got denied a couple weeks ago because we had some things we were struggling with but ive tried really hard to improve them and it's paid off. I've been encouraging Q (my kinda co host) to do more things that are good for him and he actually did some amazing work and avoided a relapse last night! I'm honestly just really proud of all of us for making progress, even in things that arent therapeutic.
Carving out space in my life
A couple months ago I started hosting more and kind of transitioning our old host out. He's not very well mentally and he wasn't really able to function. We as a system decided that I should take more responsibilities on and front more to take a load off of him and to generally improve our well being. The old host was struggling pretty badly with our addiction and other self-destructive habits.
I've been hosting pretty much most of the time now and I've sort of slowly gotten people in our life more accustomed to me. It's hard though, because I'm kind of nonbinary and more gender fucky than the old host, and it's hard to explain to people why I do the things I do. We all basically came to an agreement that it was okay if I wanted to stop taking testosterone because we hadn't taken it in a while because we just kept forgetting. We're on birth control so we don't get our period anymore anyways, which was the big issue for us.
I've started to kinda make more of a space for myself and take up space and the old host isn't really taking it very well. I created a tumblr account for myself first, and logged into it on the app on our phone. It's small, I know, but it's honestly pretty important to me. I also put up some new decorations in our room, just kind of generally acclimating to the world and making it better for myself because I'm spending so much more time in the front.
Our system pretty much functions by letting the host make decisions on who we hang out with, the classes we take, and the people we date. I'm starting to make more decisions like that and although this is how we've literally always done it, the old host isn't happy about it. I guess this is to be expected, but still. I'm even trying to do it slowly so he has time to get used to it. It's nice to actually feel okay in the world and to feel independent.
TW: Sexual Trauma
I'm not Jewel, but I needed to get this out and I can't really talk to anyone in my Life about this.
I'm the host of a DID system, and we're currently in a treatment center. We went into treatment originally to process the 1 time I got raped. At least I thought that the extent of the trauma was just that one time. I had been practicing unhealthy sex, mostly with men off of grindr for a month before that event, and a few months after. I would almost compulsively have sex with men that I wasn't interested in. I would force myself to engage in activities that I didnt want to do, and often found myself under someone with my eyes closed, wishing it wasn't happening. While I was doing all of that, I fell into a persistent depression. I had trouble managing school, work, and my commitments to maintain my sobriety. I had thought that the cause of that was the one singular time I was raped. I am now learning I was wrong.
A couple months into me being in treatment, I started to acknowledge another situation where I was sexually assaulted. I thought the trauma ended there. Apparently not. I was in therapy today and offhandedly mentioned that my brain will show me images and memories of the times that I had faked wanting to have sex, and that it was distressing. Along with some other things, she informed me that I was having flashbacks. That kind of confused me because it was all technically consensual, there was no one at fault. The men didn't know i was secretly unwilling.
I'm just currently trying to wrap my brain around the idea that I have way more adult sexual trauma than I had thought. That my recovery from this is going to be even longer than I originally thought. I'm overwhelmed and upset with myself and I'm feeling a significant amount of shame.
Hello! I'm Grace. I'm 7 and im our systems only little and also I'm bored. I guess I want to introduce myself and maybe make friends. I've been out like a lot this week and maybe will be out more and im lonely and want to talk to people. I think ive been around the longest out of anyone except maybe Hook. I like old fairies like vintage and kitties and lego friends. I sometimes act older but i dont like to be treated like it because im 7.
- Grace
Finding Your Identities: Figuring Out Your Alters When Your Alters Aren't "Distinct" "People"
I have been wanting to make this post for a very long time now.
I have talked countless times on this blog about how a lot of the "how to figure out your alters" lists do not and cannot apply to me, or systems who may be like me, for a variety of reasons.
We do not have distinct senses of selves, we don't feel like our own distinct individuals, in any way whatsoever. There is no specific, unique, distinct "cue" or feeling or anything that tells me I've switched, or tells me that a specific, distinct alter is fronting who is different from any other alters. There is no specific, distinct THING that tells me "okay yeah that was very obviously and specifically and undeniably a different alter."
It's easy to deny you have alters when your alters are not distinct individuals who know they are their own unique, separate selves. It's easy to deny you have alters when it always feels like "you."
If you don't experience your alters as distinct 'entities' where you can obviously and distinctly refer to them as "that is (that specific alter) and that is not (these other alters)", it can be nearly impossible to figure out your alters at all.
This has been a horrible aspect of my denial since essentially the beginning. I mean, when everything online tells you that DID involves a distinct sense of "not me" to it, how can you know if you have it if it doesn't feel that way to you?
Now obviously I DO have that feeling of "not me"... It's just not described using those specific words. I was taking it all way too literally (thanks, autism NFKDSFDKJ).
It's more like "I don't really feel that way anymore" or "yeah I felt that way, but not anymore."
Or "I don't really relate to that anymore" or "I don't really like this as my identity anymore" or "I don't like this name anymore."
Or "this feels like someone else's life" (but more of a feeling, it's not like I just suddenly don't know anything in my life anymore. I know my girlfriend and love her still and I know I live in this house, etc.)
I'll feel like I am attending therapy because I have to, or I'll feel like I'm relaying information that I know factually, as if I was told a story of things that happened and I have to relay that information to someone else.
Or just generally a weird feeling that something is off.
And that's the thing - dissociation (for me personally) is less like "things aren't real" and "I'm not real" and more like just a vague feeling that something is OFF, and you don't know what, and you can't explain it.
I remember as a kid feeling like I'm the "only conscious being" or "feeling like I'm in an anime" or "acting out a dramatic scene in a movie." Now all three of those descriptions still fall under "feeling like things aren't real/etc." but I never interpreted it that way, because of how literally I take things, I didn't make the connection, because I never used the SPECIFIC wording of "feeling like I'm not real/feeling like the world isn't real/etc."
I straight-up told one of the first therapists I saw for a DID diagnosis that I "don't really dissociate at all" because I don't really experience the "nothing is real/I'm not real/etc."
This, too, brought me a lot of denial, because people only describe dissociation as "things don't feel real", "you don't feel real", "you feel like you're floating", "you're watching yourself", "you're watching the world through fog/glass", etc. And because I never really used those specific words to explain my feelings and experiences, I figured I wasn't really experiencing any dissociation, or at least just very rarely and mildly so.
That's a key thing here - the WORD CHOICES being used to describe alters, systems, CDD experiences, etc. don't really match up with my experiences at all. I take things extremely, extremely literally, and when everybody describes their alters and refers to them as distinct, different people, it's hard to feel like your experiences are the more common experience, especially when people around you might continue to reinforce that denial, by assuming you must not have alters, or you have a different disorder, etc., because you are "always awake and present no matter what alter is fronting", etc.
Your personal interpretation of your experiences matters a LOT when it comes to CDDs, figuring out if you have a CDD, and it also plays a large role into how your system might present/feel/look/what alters you have/etc.
For example, many people interpreted their alter experiences and switches as creating characters. That, then, might become a huge aspect of figuring out your alters - you might realize that many of the characters you've made (or all of them) through the years were actually alters. With that lens, you might, then, be able to have a lot of knowledge about your alters based off of that alone - those "characters" might have specific characteristics, lore, designs, etc. that you then realize were all a part of that alter.
You might also, then, find that each time you find yourself making a "new" "character", it's actually just a new alter forming/splitting (or perhaps them just finding out their own identity).
The way you personally interpret your experiences, your feelings, your life, memories, etc. all impact your alters and your system - the way your alters identify, the way it FEELS when alters front, the way your system presents, etc.
I grew up believing I was making things up and lying for seemingly no reason, for attention, because I liked being cool and special. Or that I was purposely acting out a fake, dramatic movie, just to add more drama.
In reality, I was experiencing alter switches and dissociation, but because I interpreted it in those ways, we now have a very difficult time trying to accept and believe that these are real feelings, real experiences, outside of my control, instead of me just saying things for attention and acting dramatic just because.
I also very much grew up feeling like "nothing ever sticks, so why bother taking anything seriously." Now, pretty much all of us still have this attitude, this feeling of "why bother coming up with a name, why bother taking (my feelings, etc.) seriously when it's just gonna go away and not come back."
I would feel confident in a decision or an identity or a name change and so on, only for me to change it the next day, or the next week, and so on.
This made things like questioning my gender identity and wanting to change my name extremely difficult and impossible because I could never be sure if it was going to actually STICK or just be a temporary, fleeting "phase." I became upset (and still become upset and distressed) every time everything turned out to just be a "phase" instead of a real, actual thing. I still have trouble with this. If I want to cut my hair or dye my hair or get new clothes, I will never be able to know for sure if I'll still like it in a different state. If I want a name change, I don't know if it'll be long-term or if I will change my mind the next day.
DID is more like this, and less like "I'm a totally different person with a distinctly different personality and a different name and I am not ("host")."
And if this is relatable to you, this post may very much help you figure out who your alters are.
A lot of things online that try to give suggestions and ideas for figuring out your alters in a way of "ask (your alters) these questions."
For me, I can't really do that, for a variety of different reasons - our dissociative barriers are too high, there's no inner world, and there's no kind of "distinct voices" that I "hear" speaking to me that are coming from a distinctly different "person." And since we as alters do not experience ourselves as distinct individuals where we just know who we are and know we are our own distinct individuals, it's less like asking my alters these questions, and more like asking MYSELF these questions. I want you keep that in mind going into this post.
When it comes to figuring out alters, what helps me is trying to keep track of patterns of changes in my behaviors, likes, dislikes, hobbies/interests, and more.
The following is a TEMPLATE of things you can ask yourself at different times, during different moods, modes, self-states - whatever you wanna call it.
I tried to make them as general as possible in order to hopefully make the questions apply to a general audience/a wide variety of people, instead of being too specific where they might not apply to most people.
You do not have to ask yourself all of these questions! If you don't know the answer to a question, and/or you don't want to answer a question, it can be important to write that down too! You can skip any questions or change them in any way you like.
If a question feels unhelpful to you, feel free to change it into something that might feel more helpful to you personally, and/or just remove it altogether.
Feel free to expand upon these questions! For example, if a question seems helpful to you, you might have further ideas to expand upon that question into further, more specific questions. I actually totally encourage other people to expand upon these questions and come up with more questions that could help others! Definitely share your thoughts in reblogs if you want.
I want to make it clear, first, that this post is NOT trying to make people OBSESS over this!!!! These questions are meant to help figure out alters, but don't obsess over it!
The purpose of these questions is to simply try and keep track of possible patterns of behaviors, etc., not to obsess over figuring out your alters, not to obsess over figuring out what alter you are, not to obsess over making sure your alters are "consistent all the time" or something. It doesn't matter about knowing "who" you are so much as it matters to let yourself exist as you are, at any given moment. It's to allow yourself to exist and see if there is a pattern of emotions, opinions, preferences, likes, dislikes, interests/hobbies, behaviors, and more that crop of every so often - this is what alters are for a lot of people. Like I said, it's less like "distinct, separate person" and more like a recurring pattern of the same/similar emotions/behaviors/traits/etc. that crop up every so often, oftentimes in response to things, such as topics that you may find triggering (for example: feeling like an angry wolf every time the topic of physical abuse comes up, or feeling like a scared child when you feel like someone said something upsetting), or even positive topics, such as feeling like you become a girl whenever the topic of fashion gets brought up, or feeling like you're 13 when the topic of a childhood beloved TV show comes up.
While "feeling like (xyz) in response to (xyz)" does not necessarily mean you have a CDD, this post is specifically about those experiences under the context of having a CDD. If you relate to anything I wrote in this post, it does not necessarily mean you have a CDD! Similarly, if you DON'T relate to anything in this post, it also doesn't mean you DON'T have a CDD! I am sharing this post with the assumption that the people reading it already know they have a CDD, and/or strongly suspect it.
Questions to ask myself for figuring out alters:
Month day, year. Time (or whatever way you want to write down the month/day/year/time).
What name(s) do I like?:
This doesn't have to be names of specific alters (by that I mean, you don't have to go through your list of alters with specific names to figure out if you like one of them). You can write a vague idea of what name/names you might like (such as "a name related to plants" or "a name that reminds me of the ocean"). You can write down multiple names. You can write down no name. You can write down that you're indifferent. Anything!
What pronouns do I like?:
Again, you can write down anything. If multiple sets of pronouns vibe, write that down! If nothing vibes, write it down! If you don't have any strong feelings/if you're indifferent, write that down too! If you don't know, write that down!
Are there any particular labels I feel drawn to/feel I identify with?:
It can be an LGBTQ+ label (bisexual, demiboy, aromantic, lesbian, etc.), or a label related to something else
What kind of color(s) am I drawn to?:
Darker colors? Pastel colors? Neon colors? Light colors? Etc.
What do I want to do? What would I do if I had the resources (time, money, 'skill', motivation, energy, etc.) (for example, maybe you wish you could play guitar, but you can’t play guitar, don’t have a guitar, etc.)?:
Similarly, is there anything that I might normally be interested in that I find myself no longer wanting to do?:
-- Listening to music: What songs? Am I singing along? What are the songs about? How do I feel about the music? Are there any songs I dislike? Any particular common genre/theme with the music I find myself liking right now?
-- Art: - What kind of art (Digital art? Doing makeup? Sculpting? Knitting? Painting? Woodworking? Photography? Any art counts.) - What is my art style like/what tools am I using? (If digital art, what program am I using? What brushes am I using? Etc. (Different alters might prefer to use different art programs and different art brushes!)) - What does the artwork depict? (Vent art? Are there themes of trauma? Dissociation? Fanart? Something else?)
-- Playing a game: - What game? - What am I doing in the game? Are there different game modes? If so, what mode am I playing? Is my character customizable, and if so, how does my character look? (Some alters might prefer to change the way the character looks to match how they might feel inside!) - Are there any games I don't currently care for?
-- Watching YouTube: - What is the topic of the video? (Is it about a hobby I like? A TV series? A video essay? Something else?)
-- Playing an instrument: - What instrument? - Am I trying to learn a specific song/songs? - Am I making my own music? Are there lyrics to go along with it? - If it’s a specific song (either writing your own, or trying to learn how to play a certain song on an instrument), what is it about? Any specific themes that stick out?
-- Writing: Poetry? Working on a book/short story? What is it about? What genre? (Romance? Non-fiction? Etc.) Is it fanfiction?
-- Reading: What am I reading? What is it about? What genre? (Romance? Non-fiction? Etc.) Is it fanfiction?
-- Something else…
What am I thinking about?
What am I talking about?
How am I feeling?
Did something trigger me to feel this certain way?
If something triggered me to feel a certain way, do I know the reason(s) why? (For example, if you encountered something that brings up trauma-related feelings, etc.)
You might describe your feelings in ways other than a simple “sad”, “mad”, or “happy.” You might be more specific, such as “I feel like white noise” or “I feel like a dog” or “I feel like an ocean.” This is completely valid and an important thing to keep note of as well. You can even write down that you feel tall, or you feel a different age, or you feel like a certain character.
There are many more questions that you could ask 'yourself' to get to know 'yourselves.' This list is not exhaustive, and like I said, you can simply you this template to bounce off ideas of what questions you, personally, would find most helpful!
I'd love to hear anybody's input, and I hope this post helps anyone. :] If not, feel free to share around anyway, if you want!
Me being fine after talking about traumatising stuff:
Therapist: oh cool! It seems talking things out works for you
Me being fine after rediscovering trauma:
Therapist: okay this is a bit weird
Me continuing to be fine during every therapy session since the beginning with no large shifts in mood:
Therapist: goddammit you're dissociating aren't you
Hello systems who have cookie run introjects
Are your cookies running around in the brain with no one to talk to? Well now they can stop running and talk to other cookies in Our cookie run introject server! made for a system with cookies for other systems with cookies (because they are lonely /hj) But before you join here are a few rules! 1.Please do not send hate for this, but no Endos, please. We want to keep syscourse out of this server, and this is the best way. 2. No singlets / Non-systems! 3. please only join if you have cookie run introjects. ok uh those are all the rules here theres more posted in the server plz come join we are lonely- https://discord.gg/6Va9MNyx
Syscourse
I feel like honestly, the dissociation side of DID is not talked about enough
Most of the stuff I see on other blogs or even in stuff like multiplicitymay is all centered on alters
Like yes there are alters but what about the c-ptsd? The body memories?? The forgetfulness??? The DISSOCIATION???!?!
(Like literally guys it’s called Dissociative Idenity Disorder)
You could cause more harm than you could ever know...
Stay safe fellow systems 💕
-blurry
Please for the love of care and respect to us people who have Dissociative Identity Disorder, don't tell anyone about us having D.I.D without our consent! Plus don't use triggers to make us switch without our consent!!!
I’ve seen this floating around and just thought I’d add my two cents:
Having autism and not having your needs met is traumatic
Having schizophrenia and not having your needs met is traumatic
That does not mean you split from those disorders, if you have DID, it’s from trauma. Period.
Childhood trauma starts it, but after your brain learns that way of coping it can split over non-traumatic but stressful situations.
Stressful situations including psychotic episodes, and overstimulation meltdowns or long spans of hyperfixation in autism
These things don’t cause DID, but you can still split from it if it’s how your brain has learned to cope
Don’t invalidate your trauma or anyone else’s, it’s anti-recovery
Idk why DID is one of the only ones where there’s genuine discourse from people on whether or not you need trauma.
Like you guys do realize the continuum is not “systems-> systems with trauma”
The real continuum is “ptsd-> CPTSD -> OSDD-> DID”
Like the pre requisite to all of them is trauma.
Why is this even an argument???
collective name → sam
collective pronouns → she/they
body info → twenty six. white. female.
system name → the sourpuff girls
system type → subsystem; did + polyfrag
main system → @whiterabbitsystem
♡ check out our carrd ♡
intro posts:
sammi, samantha, samara
sammy, sam, samael
collective name → sam
pronouns → she/they
age, orientation → 26 bisexual
system name → the sourpuff girls
system type → subsystem; polyfrag did
main system → @whiterabbitsystem
endos dont interact <3
imagine if a bunch of people started claiming to be "endogenic borderlines" or "nondisordered borderlines"
and then when people with BPD started correcting them and saying "hey, BPD is a very serious mental illness and under the TOSD it's impossible to develop it without trauma" they just responded with "we never claimed to have BPD, we're borderlines without BPD"
that's how you sound calling yourselves endogenic / nondisordered systems
I need to see something, fellow autistic folks, what’s your special interest?
On a random different note with regards to switching and alters, I never like using the terminology of "(alter) is fronting" because it just gets so confusing and I don't like people treating me, as alters, as if we're separate people. I really just want people to understand that I am Different Sometimes and I grew up telling people things like "I'm in (xyz) mode rn lol" and I'd be like "I can't talk about that topic because I'm not in the right mode to be interested lol" stuff like that
And that's still how I experience my switching and my alters and that's still how I explain to people my switching and whatnot
But I've always tried to avoid the terminology of "(xyz) is fronting" or whatever because it confuses me Greatly and I don't resonate with that language
And I kinda realized yesterday like. Wait. Why force myself then? Why do I have to conform to that language? If saying that I'm in XYZ mode is what is more comfortable for me and makes the most sense and is what I prefer, why would I force myself to change that language?
I really think the wider DID/OSDD community needs to understand that the language you use to describe your DID or OSDD, the language you use to describe your switches, your experiences, etc. is incredibly subjective and nobody should be forced to conform to language they don't feel comfortable using for themself
plurality problem #36: losing track of time easily, so we refer to any recent past time as "the other day"
only to get told "you mean yesterday???"
Tfw I really just needed validation and support when I was in a bad place, but instead of that, I get hurt even more and get made to feel like shit. My head hurts now
Help us get out of an abusive home
Hey, we're currently in the process of saving up money for a deposit on a flat, paying off credit card debt and having some money in savings for getting settled in a new place.
We're living with our m/m rn, and she's heavily emotionally, psychologically and economically abusive, she takes any money we do earn so its next to impossible to save up anything for getting out of here.
If you can't help please reblog, we desperately need to get out of here for our own mental health
