Dissociative Disorder - Tumblr Posts

I mainly use @welcome-to-the-agender-agenda. I have FND and DID. Happy to be hopefully relatable :)

If you have FND and also any type of dissociative disorder could you please interact with this (even just a like). I’m desperately looking for more blogs I can relate to!

Constantly swinging between “oh my god im so fucked up” and “fuck you im fine”

*in an America Ferrara voice*

You have to achieve things but you can’t say you’re achieving things you have to say you’re “not that good” but you also have to be achieving things.

You have to lie but you can’t say you’re lying because that’s immoral.

You have to comfort people but never tell them the whole truth. You have to listen to them put themselves down but you can never agree with them.

You’re supposed to be proud of yourself but don’t talk about yourself all the damn time. You have to look after yourself but also never let your friends down.

You're expected to always know what people are feeling, which is impossible, but when you point that out you’re accused of being a bad person.

You have to stay supportive for your friends but not so supportive that it comes off as insincere or that it comes off as favouritism because you’re supposed to be a good friend to all of your friends but always be the best for everyone and always be grateful.

But never forget that you have best friends too so find a way to acknowledge that but always be grateful.

You’re supposed to never get tired, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never get overwhelmed, never fail, never show annoyance, never show exhaustion.

It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you!

And it turns out that not only are you doing everything wrong but also everything is your fault.

I’m just so tired of watching myself and every single other neurodivergent person tie themselves into knots so people will like us.

And if all of that is expected and no one will even explain that it is to people who don’t know then I don’t even know.

I’m dissociating. My brain is mushy soup. My thoughts are staticky. My words keep getting lost. My fingers are moving like they would if they were numb from the cold. I’m not being rude. I’m dissociating.

This is your daily reminder that you don’t need to switch regularly to be a system.

We’re a diagnosed DID system. Usually one of the hosts will take over completely for two or three days and because of our low communication (especially between frequent fronters) there will be radio silence.

When we first joined the system community, there was a lot of talk about switching regularly and losing days at a time and yes that does happen to some people and that is valid.

It’s also valid to be like us. We have one host front for a few days and occasionally other people will drop by. Our other host will get us dressed on the rare occasion we have to leave the house (about once an month) and will take over for a day if the first host needs a break. That works for us. At first, we switched maybe once a week. Now we switch two to four times a week.

Not switching often is valid. I don’t just mean a couple of days either. Not switching for weeks is valid. You are valid no matter how your system fronting works and how you adapt to that.

Take care of yourselves and accept yourselves for you. You don’t need to be like any other system.

It’s so lonely having DID.

I want to show my friends my Simply Plural and talk about how aesthetic it is and make jokes about what another alter did today and mention my in-sys friends and show them fanart that our introjects love and and show them what we actually look like and just be ourselves.

But most of our friends don’t even know we have DID and even the ones that do don’t get it. I know it takes time to get your head around it but in the meantime it’s so so lonely.

Me being fine after talking about traumatising stuff:

Therapist: oh cool! It seems talking things out works for you

Me being fine after rediscovering trauma:

Therapist: okay this is a bit weird

Me continuing to be fine during every therapy session since the beginning with no large shifts in mood:

Therapist: goddammit you're dissociating aren't you

does anyone else feel like they stole their body and are too ashamed to give it back

DO NOT REPOST THIS COMIC. IF YOU WANT TO SHARE IT, PLEASE DO SO FROM THE SOURCE.

Here is my submission for @zakeno’s Mental Health Zine to help fight stigma in the professional field. My contribution is about my experiences with Dissociative Identity Disorder, which is sadly highly stigmatized and misunderstood, even within the mental health field (despite there being tons of concrete research to support it). Coming out about having DID is a thing that makes me very nervous, admittedly, but I want people to know that Dissociative Identity Disorder is very real and we deserve to be acknowledged and not feel like our existence has to be hidden or shameful.

I’m posting this comic in full is because DID deserves so much more recognition than it gets, but please go check out the kickstarter for the full zine and consider supporting it:  https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1056477701/the-animated-brain-mental-health-in-the-animation

Since I was limited to 5 pages for this specific project, this is only the very bare bones introduction to DID, and there is easily a million more things that can be talked about in how it presents and affects people individually, but hopefully this is a comprehensive introduction based on my personal experiences.

Even though this is only 5 pages, it was one of the most difficult projects we have done and took a few months because trying to get everyone as an alter to contribute when they were fronting to show our range in skills was a waiting game. Sadly, we were running out of time so sort of just had to have whoever was out at the end finish it (which was mostly Devyn).

Like briefly talked about in the comic, DID forms in response to repeated childhood trauma (generally by ages 6-9) when failing to integrate a singular sense of self is needed for survival. This failure to integrate experiences, memories, etc. leads to these self states being able to function independently from each other and control the body at different times with varying levels of amnesia between switches. As time goes on, the more each part experiences different aspects of day to day life, the more and more differentiated and developed they can become from each other. Even though alters can be highly distinct and can function as if they were individual people (and boy can it feel that way on top of a lot of us preferring to be acknowledged as separate from each other in our body), the reason it’s called Dissociative Identity Disorder and no longer goes by its outdated name, Multiple Personality Disorder, is because alters aren’t actual separate fully-fledged personalities, but instead a single individual’s life and experiences split up from each other in a bunch of dissociated self states.

If anyone is interested in knowing more about DID, I always recommend this website as a great source: http://did-research.org/

I’ll also throw in the Myths and Misconceptions page: http://did-research.org/did/myths.html

Spoilers: No people with DID don’t have secret killer alters and are no more dangerous than literally any other person. DID is a defense mechanism/way you develop to navigate your environment, and for us specifically, we continued to be victims of abuse and mistreatment even until recently due to our amnesia and lack of awareness hiding the knowledge when people were harming us.

Happy Mental Health Awareness Month, everyone! 

IMPORTANT PSA ABOUT 'PROBLEMATIC SOURCES'

If you ban certain alters from certain sources from your space, you are being abelist. No one controls how introjects form, no one controls their source and no one exists just to trigger you. Try to take a minute to realize that excluding those alters alienates so many systems. It's not up to you how systems cope.

Truths & Myths: Pluralpedia Part 1

Welcome to our "Truths and Myths" series! In this series, we aim to debunk misconceptions and provide accurate information about Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). We will mainly focus on DID as it is the disorder we are most familiar with on both a personal and research basis.

Each post will highlight the accurate and inaccurate parts of each term, from the best of our research ability. Then, at the end, we will explain the full story of what DID actually is and provide our sources. We will be taking requests for terms anyone would like us to review. Otherwise, we will use random terms we find.

This first post is an exception to the random terms as we wanted to go over the formation of a DID system.

 To develop Dissociative Identity Disorder, a child must experience overwhelming, severe, and repetitive trauma during their childhood. Having a dissociative disorder such as DID, PDID (ICD-11), or OSDD (DSMV) is the only way to have forms of dissociative identities.

As previously mentioned, DID can only be formed from trauma.

However, it has been suggested that individuals with a natural ability to dissociate or use dissociation as their primary response to trauma are more likely to develop DID. This innate ability allows them to reach a high level of dissociation and form dissociative identities. It is important to note that there is currently no confirmed link between this ability and the development of DID, but it is a proposed logical theory that would need more research.

Furthermore, certain biological factors can make an individual more susceptible to trauma, such as being born biologically female or being neurodivergent. For example, biological females are statistically more likely to experience s*xual abuse, which may have been the trauma they experienced as a child that led to the formation of their system.

Additionally, it is crucial to clarify that Dissociative Identity Disorder cannot be present at birth, and therefore, one can not be born with a system.

The theory of how personality is structured suggests that the personality comprises "modes" that contain cognitive, affective, behavioural, and physiological representations. These modes also represent a plan for encoding experiences and responding to internal and environmental demands.

For example, a person may have a "mother mode" activated when caring for a child, and this mode would have planned what care a child needs. However, the person will also have other modes, such as one associated with demands about their work or demands for defence in verbal ways. In a regular adult, all modes are connected to each other and are under a "conscious control system," which allows for an integrated self-state. This is why it may feel you have fluctuations in your personality or feel differently around your family than your friends. They are different modes, but importantly, they are all integrated together, unlike in an individual with DID.

DID occurs when this coupling process of modes is disrupted by dissociation caused by trauma. This results in smaller, more isolated pockets of modes, leading to multiple conscious control systems that represent different and discontinuous modes. Each of these systems has its own aspect of self, reflected by the modes within it.

One's I specifically used to write my explanation:

Though I suppose technically, in the way the theory is currently proposed, people who have DID never had a "singlet" phase. Otherwise, they would not have been able to form a system or develop DID.

Revisiting the etiological aspects of dissociative identity disorder: a biopsychosocial perspective. (Section under Dissociative Identities)

McLean Hospital. (Section under What is Dissociative Identity Disorder?)

Other external sources that also validate my claims but were not used specifically in the writing:

Cleveland Clinic. (Section under What causes Dissociative Identity Disorder)

The coupling process can be disturbed when a child tries to displace their thoughts, feelings, and emotions onto a “not me” in order to escape what they are experiencing and carry on with life and allows the child to remain for example creative or have a sense of humour even in very difficult circumstances. This leads to disconnected feelings and disorganised attachments to primary caregivers, which means the integration of modes is impossible.

NHS (Section under Causes of Dissociative disorder. It is important to note that this covers all dissociative disorders, not specifically DID)

Better Health Channel. (Section under Causes of Dissociative Disorders. It is important to note that this covers all dissociative disorders, not specifically DID)

Thank you for reading our first part to this series. Feel free to send us an echo to our page or leave in the comments any questions or suggestions for future parts to this series.

Made from the collaborative efforts of the system who run this blog.

Black Holes: A metaphorical view of Trauma in Dissociative Identity Disorder. Part 1

Written by Olive. This is a personal and educational post.

This post covers in more detail why new dissociative identities may be formed in adulthood and define integration in terms of the end-goal treatments for DID.

When trying to understand the complexities of life, metaphors are very powerful tools to visulise our experiences. We find many aspects of Black Holes can be an analogy for the way trauma interacts in the lives of individuals with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). In this post, we will explore the anatomy of black holes and explain how we relate each aspect to our lives, whilst providing an educational light on the disorder’s realities. 

Singularity.

At the centre of every Black hole is a point known as the singularity. This point is considered to be where all the mass of the black hole is centred under infinite density. When something passes the event horizon of the black hole, it will travel inwards towards the singularity.

At the heart of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) lies chronic, severe childhood trauma. We envision this trauma as a singularity, events from which all experiences are affected and the initial formation of alters. Even alters formed later may stem from this foundational trauma. The trauma is deeply stored within us like an infinitely concentrated source of pain. It disrupted our childhood integration, leading to remaining fragmented, and continues to hinder integration efforts today. 

The Event Horizon.

Past the event horizon, considered the boundary that defines the black hole, the escape velocity required to overcome the gravitational force of the black hole is greater than the speed of light. This means nothing can escape from a black hole, not even light. 

Trauma is not always visible, it can be mental, emotional, or even physical and does not leave a lasting effect on the body. This can be reflected by the fact that light cannot escape from a black hole therefore it cannot be seen and is only observed from objects around it. Victims may not be believed if they do not have “physical evidence” on their body but evidence of trauma can be seen from the history of the environment around them. 

The event horizon of a black hole can be likened to the window of tolerance for individuals with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). Once something breaches this threshold, causing overwhelming stress or trauma, it can lead to fragmentation in the brain. It's crucial to understand that the nature of these experiences can vary greatly. They can be as seemingly insignificant as a photon of light or as impactful as an entire planet. Similarly, some black holes may exist near planets without consuming them, reflecting how different individuals respond differently to potential trauma.

This metaphor illustrates how anything can be traumatic for a system, potentially causing a split later in life. The severity of the trauma does not need to match that of the initial childhood trauma for it to cause further disturbances in integration. Everyone has a unique window of tolerance, which is why not everyone with severe childhood trauma develops DID, but all individuals with DID have experienced chronic severe childhood trauma. 

This can result in systems having dissociative identities that are very specific, such as being the only one to handle money, or whose whole role is to complete a mundane task of life, such as being the one to take a shower or hoovering because this may for some reason overwhelm an individual, such as the fact it is repetitive or it could be overstimulating. Even the thought of being in a situation that could reactivate traumatic memories can cause the brain to split, such as dreading a visit to a family member, this shows examples of fragmentation being a defensive mechanism because the individual will now be able to handle the situation and did not need to be retraumatised for the brain to become aware that the current system is overwhelmed by this task. This conceptual framework is supported by the work of Van der Hart, Nijenhuis, and Steele (2006) in “The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic Traumatization”, where they discuss patients developing new dissociative identities in adulthood and the theory that later in life structural dissociation becomes a mental defense tool, despite beginning from traumatisation. 

Hawking Radiation.

As is also presented in the work of Hawking (2018) in “Brief Answers to the Big Questions”, in quantum theory, space is filled with matter and antimatter pairs, such as a proton and an antiproton, that spontaneously appear, collide, and then annihilate each other. If this spontaneous appearance occurs near the event horizon of a black hole, the matter particle can either fall in or escape and appear to be radiated by the black hole. Theoretically, the anti-particle is traveling backward in time so if the anti-particle falls into the black hole this can also be a way it loses mass. As the anti-particle travels it will eventually in time reach where it first appeared and then travel forward in time because the gravitational field scatters it. This process is known as Hawking radiation, and it explains how black holes dissipate over time and why the very first black holes formed in the universe are no longer present. 

The process of Hawking radiation can be likened to the slow yet significant role of processing trauma. To be effective, it must proceed at a pace an individual can handle, and it may never feel certain when a breakthrough in trauma recovery will occur. However, it brings hope that healing from the trauma that caused DID and its symptoms is possible. Through therapy, dissociative parts can become more integrated, meaning they will have a greater connection of memories without amnesic barriers and better communication. This can lead to either functional multiplicity, where all integrated parts work together while maintaining multiple dissociative identities, or final fusion, where all dissociative identities fuse into a single, unified personality. A clear distinction between fusing dissociative identities and integrating them is further supported in the work of Llyod (2023) in “Integration and Fusion in DID/OSDD: Part Two”, which verifies my use of the word ‘integration’.

Written by Olive. This is a personal and educational post.

Bibliography

Van der Hart O, Steele K, Nijenhuis E. The Haunted Self : Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic Traumatization. W.W. Norton; 2006.

Lloyd M, The CTAD Clinic. Integration and Fusion in DID/OSDD: Part Two. YouTube. Published December 17, 2023.

Hawking S. Brief Answers to the Big Questions. Hachette UK; 2018.

Truths and Myths: Pluralpedia Part 4, Alter Roles.

This is an educational post.

Written by 🤍. (Temporary emoji placeholder)

And at the same time

A part that is designed to hold trauma, known as an emotional part, may remain stuck at the age when the trauma occurred. This can be part of the process in which the individual part repeatedly relives the trauma or unconsciously reenacts it in their actions when taking executive control, even though the trauma has ended but they are unaware. As a result, they are unable to age past the age of the trauma. Later in therapy, trauma can be processed and this can relieve that part from their need to be fixed in time

Further discussed in Van der Hart, Nijenhuis, and Steele’s book (2006) “The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic Traumatization”. The authors disscuss a patient whose child emotional part would reenact situations from the trauma in an attempt to prevent it from happening again. Additionally, they discuss that some emotional parts can experience severe nonrealisation therefore that part may literally experience themselves as being the age they are stuck at, in the book this is used in context of child parts.

According to the NHS (2024) website on eating disorders, there are many potential causes for them, including various traumas. An individual experiencing an eating disorder or in recovery may also experience trauma or stress, on a psychological, physical, and social level. As a result, an alter may split due to the eating disorder as parts are fragmented due to trauma. This alter may serve as a protective/caretaker part, ensuring the survival of the body, but it may also be a part that has split off due to denial of the eating disorder. This part may be used by the brain to hide the parts of the individual that are heavily affected by the trauma of the eating disorder.  This can also allow the affected parts to recover at their own pace, as they are aware that the body will be fine. However, this alter may also serve as an unhelpful crutch, causing other parts to believe that they do not need to recover or are not ready to do so. In reality, it is crucial for all parts to recover in order to aid in trauma healing and move towards a more sustainable life. Relying too heavily on one part can result in their exhaustion as they will be using their available resources to focus and take care of the needs of others. If this is their only role, it may result in a lack of self-awareness of their own needs, making it difficult for them to meet them. This point is supported by Van der Hart, Nijenhuis, and Steele's book (2006) "The Haunted Self: Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic Traumatization" when discussing caretaker parts in systems. It is important to allow a part to take a break, otherwise they may begin to dread their role or task, leading to unpleasant or even stressful experiences. Therefore, it is necessary for parts to have the capability to share responsibility for tasks, even if only for a short time, to give the main part a chance to rest, another reason why recovery for those parts heavily affected should be encouraged. This idea and self-care is discussed more in W AT’s book “Got Parts: An Insider’s Guide to Managing Life Successfully with Dissociative Identity Disorder”. 

The term "called out" may refer to this alter being triggered when food is present or is brought out when a part is triggered by food, allowing it to take control of the situation. Alternatively, it may refer to the switching technique learnt in therapy, where communication between alters is improved to the point where one alter can reach out and ask another to take control. However, this is a complex skill, as it is considered, to master and there will always be a risk of failure, so it cannot be guaranteed to work every time. Based on this, it can be assumed that the term refers to the act of this alter stepping into either calm or avoid a trigger.

Van der Hart O, Steele K, Nijenhuis E. The Haunted Self : Structural Dissociation and the Treatment of Chronic Traumatization. W.W. Norton; 2006.

NHS. Overview - Eating Disorders. NHS. Published 2021. https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/behaviours/eating-disorders/overview/

W AT. Got Parts? : An Insider’s Guide to Managing Life Successfully with Dissociative Identity Disorder. Loving Healing Press; 2005.

Echoes in the Multiverse . Echoes in the Multiverse. Tumblr. Published June 16, 2024. Accessed August 2, 2024. https://www.tumblr.com/echoes-in-the-multiverse/753468998583271424/what-is-switching-technique-in-your-last-post-you?source=share

Bibliography link 4 is to a post we made discussing more about the Switching technique and the resources we used to write that post and expand our own knowledge we gained in therapy.

For anyone wondering, the terms OSDD-1b and OSDD-1a have roots in the DSM-IV but aren't considered an official diagnosis any more. By all means, keep using the terms if they help you to differentiate and find community, just know they're not official diagnoses.

Introducing...

The million dollar question!

Did it happen,

Did I imagine it,

Did my sysmate do it,

Did I dream it or was I just so disassociated it feels like it wasn't real?

as a very fuzzy headed individual, I am going to use these a LOT

EMOTION SET; DISSOCIATION/FUZZY

Blank stare fuzzy

Tired fuzzy

Full fuzzy

commissions open for $5! headshots (shoulders up) or chibis of anyone in your system you want.

This is so good holy shit!!

Im glad your okay now!

Or recovering at least!

Happy two year anniversary of the release of the Rise of the TMNT movie. To celebrate, here's my interpretation of what Raph experienced before and during his time Krangified.

Some personal notes below the cut.

During the time the movie first premiered on Netflix, I was going through one of the worst periods of my life, and began to experience extreme dissociative episodes that would leave me in an extremely vulnerable physical state. I already related heavily to Raph after watching the TV show, but seeing what happened to him in the movie hit me on a much more closer and personal level. It took me two years to fully complete this comic, because working on it made me think back to these intense and painful memories, and that was a struggle for a while. Only recently, within the last couple months, has my situation bettered enough for me to work on it without being too uncomfortable. 

This is me putting my raw, firsthand experiences onto paper, because I want to make peace with my past in order to move forward. Raph's victory in overcoming the Krang's control is, in my eyes, the same as my victory in surviving those intense dissociative episodes. This is a reflection of my personal struggle, meant to help me attain a very specific closure. I hope that perhaps someone else who is suffering, or who has suffered similarly, will see this and know there is hope. Our experiences may not be exactly the same, but I want you to know that you are not alone. 

Lastly, I would like to thank every individual person who worked on bringing this show to life, from first conception to the movie's premier. Rise has been a source of light in my life that I never could have imagined. From the friends I've made, to the art I've created, to the fits of laughter and the tears I shed as I sat through every episode over and over again. It wouldn't be possible without any of you, so thank you for being a part of it. No matter how big or small a role, I am eternally grateful to you. 💚

Bill Cipher from Gravity Falls has USDD (Unspecified Dissociative Disorder)