Dissociative Alters - Tumblr Posts

Me (and Blue honestly) having no more emotional connection to our system’s trauma and feeling like shit about not having that emotional connection

(I’ve had 0 emotional connection to our trauma except pissed about how it’s affecting the people I care about and from our side it appears we’re the only ones given a punishment. Blue has had on and off emotional connection to our trauma. And it sucks because they are such a sweet and caring person with a heart of gold and they’ve just become so apathetic recently because of all this.

Love how people outside the system are like “it’s too soon” since it was like… 2 weeks ago that this recent trauma happened. Simon and Sierra still feel it, but for me and Blue is feels like that shit was years ago. Thank you brain for being so weird. At least us hosts can function!

Also: Blue literally forgetting who the people who were also involved in this traumatic drama are is a mood. Meanwhile introjects of those people be like: bitch tf?? Nah don’t worry, they remember you guys. But not your sources. It’s called fucked-up-coping-for-systems.

Trauma holders doing their jobs well folks)

My new favorite genre of Blue’s drawings:

Sophie being the third wheel.

-🩶👻

Note from Sophie:

This was just a meme idea because of how often I end up feeling like the third wheel for these two. Happy for them though. :) -🐹

Y’know what’s sad about being a fictive sometimes?? When you know that people are going to treat you like your source anyways, no matter how different you are.

And then if you’re too different from your source, then it feels like you’re not allowed to be who you are because you’re not enough like your source to count!

Or when people see your source as problematic or view your source in a very negative light and then they associate that with you even though you didn’t do anything.

🩸: Like me. People view my source as this crazed murderer who doesn’t care about consent or others.

📖: And then sometimes I feel like people will say I can’t continue to call myself Simon Henriksson because of how many differences there are between me and my source.

That’s some of the shitty things about being a fictive. Because it sometimes feels like we don’t count or that we can never be seen as real people despite actually being real people in this system.

It’s not the case in our system, but it feels like that outside of our system sometimes.

-🩸+📖

Hello y’all! Gonna info-dump about a disorder I have now! (There’s a specific mutual that this is for and if you see thing you’ll know it’s you :D)

So I have P-DID, aka Partial-DID, aka Partial-Dissociative Identity Disorder

Before I can go more in depth about P-DID, first I need to explain regular DID, so

What Is DID? (Btw I’m not a professional so this is may be worded wrong but I’m trying my best)

DID is a dissociative disorder that forms when a child, roughly between the ages of 2-8 but those can have some wiggle room, goes through extreme and/or repetitive trauma. Basically, this disorder causes a split of the base identity into at least 2 distinct identities, but there can be any number of identities, or alters as I will refer to them from now on. A person with multiple alters is referred to as a system.

With DID, but not required of every system (there are other disorders that can cause systems, like OSDD and UDD) there are memory walls. The effect of these memory walls is to, well, block off memories between alters. The strength of the amnesia differs from system to system, with some not remember anything unless they are in front (or driving the car that is the body), while others can remember what other alters do crystal clear. Not only does the strength change from system to system, it can also change from alter to alter. Meaning that the wall between alters A and B might be strong and A won’t remember anything B does and vice verse, the wall between alter C and D could be thin or nonexistent so they share memories.

That’s the basics of DID, if anyone wants a more in depth explanation of that, or anything else in this post either, let me know and I’ll happily do so.

Now, what is P-DID?

P-DID is exactly like it sounds, Partial-DID. This means that some of the effects of the disorder are not as pronounced as regular DID. What does this mean?

It can, but doesn’t have to, mean little to no memory walls. It can, but doesn’t have to, mean less alters/less defined alters. It can, but doesn’t have to, mean that there is less switching of front (when alter A takes control of the body after alter B was out and vice versa).

What does that mean for my experience?

In my system, there is significantly less switching. Instead, 95% of the time me, the host (meaning the alter who is in front the majority of the time) is in front while the other 5% of the time a different alter is in front. Instead, the majority of the time I am usually co-con with someone else (co-con means co-conscious, when 2 or more alters are in the brain seat at the same time, or it could be both in the driving seat, or one in the driver one in the passenger ect. It means we are both conscious of the out side world at that moment).

It also means that between me and Most (not all) alters, there is very little memory wall. I remember the majority of what the others do when in front and vice versa.

It Also means that while we have a large number of known alters (and a probably larger number of unknown ((to me)) alters) most of them are fragments, or not as defined alters.

What is my experience like?

Like I said earlier, I am usually co-con with someone else. About 60% of the time, I am not alone in the front and 35% of the time I am (5% left for when I am not in front at all).

More over, in that 60% when I am co-con, about 30% of it is when someone else is in the driver seat instead of me, so I am left to watch what they do but not do it myself. I can give feed back and talk to them and such, but ultimately they are in control until I am back in the drivers seat.

I also experience little memory wall, when it comes to the front at least. There are only about 2 alters who I remember little to nothing when they front. This made it a bit difficult for me to even figure out I had the disorder since I had very few memory gaps. Instead, the memory wall that is there between most of the alters an I is an emotional memory wall.

For example, this means when I think about a trauma that I did not experience/it’s not my job to hold, I can remember what happened, sometimes in excruciating detail, but I do not feel the emotions connected to it. I can remember that we were upset or hurt or whatever during the event, but I do not feel anything for or from that event myself.

I only figured it out because I remembered a short period of time where I wasn’t the host, and instead someone of a completely different gender than me was. This, for pretty obvious reasons, led to me being confused and questioning it until eventually someone reached out and told me that yes, I was in fact part of a system. This took many months of questioning and even talking to a different system and asking questions before they finally told me.

How does having P-DID affect my day to day life?

Honestly? Not very much. Sometimes I’ll feel random emotions and be confused before I remember that there are others in my brain and it’s probably them, or I’ll have occasional bad memory and suddenly someone will tell me the thing I need to remember (or more often than not hear someone laugh at me for forgetting, the bastards).

Sometimes I’ll starts disassociating really hard and then suddenly someone else is moving our body and talking with our voice.

Another big way it affects me is that as it turns out I am a fictive. A fictive is an alter that is made based off of something that already exists, whether that’s a whole other person or a character from a book, game, movie, ect. This means that I Do Not match what the body looks like on the inside, this was another way I figured it out because everytime I looked in the mirror I would go “hey wait a minute, that’s not my face” before realizing that yes, it was in fact my face.

That’s the most of it for now, if anyone has any questions, or wants further explanation, you can either comment/reblog asking for that, or you can DM me directly :)

Thanks for reading, and for the one specific mutual I hope this helped in any way at all

commissions open for $5! headshots (shoulders up) or chibis of anyone in your system you want.