Kim Seungmin Angst - Tumblr Posts

The Deal (Sneak Peak)

Summary: You are at the very edge of failing when your saving grace appear in the form of top student Kim Seungmin. But what happens when he doesn’t agree to save you? The only option is to strike a deal with the devil. And a deal should always be fair. So your grades in exchange for his dream girl sounds simple… Right?!

Kim Seungmin x reader

University! Au

Slightly enemies to lovers

Word Count till now is 30k and I have still 2-3 scenes to go! But I felt bad that I wasn't uploading! So here is a sneak peak till the real deal is here!! Read below and let me know!

@lethallyprotected

A typical Wednesday and you were staring blankly at the entrance wondering if a future as a barista was the only option left for you.

Your train of thought was rudely interrupted by a tall figure getting all up in your face. A tall brown haired menace. As the days flew by your polite smiles turned into sarcasm filled giggles and a pressing desire to annoy the fuck out of his majesty, the genius. So you looked up to meet his eyes and you were met with the usual picture of him frowning down at you.      

 "Can I help you?" You asked monotone, already moving away to prepare his order. He never tried anything else besides the bland americano.      

  He didn't move, only looked at me decisively. He leaned over the counter as much as he could "I don't want coffee. I want to talk to you" You stared at him. Did you want to be rude and deny? He deserved it but that would require your downfall so you swallowed your pride and nodded.       You quickly told  Shushua you would be a minute and leaded Seungmin into a quiet corner of the shop. You sat down and the staring match began. You knew this, this was a war of nerves. As a business major you knew he wanted the deal you presented but he was stubborn enough not to begin the discussion. " You thought about my proposal?" You probed gently.   

  After a brief hesitation he nodded and finally spoke. "I would be willing to help you" he stated simply. He was truly a man of few words. You hoped that didn't include his teaching.      

 "Wonderful!" You cheered " When can you start? I am in immediate need of attention" you joked just to see him squirm. He didn't disappoint as he light shifted his weight in the comfortable couch he sat.    

    "I don't work so we can follow your program" he stated dismissively. "Where do you lack?" He seemed more comfortable focusing his attention on your academic problem than his unrequited crush. Cute, you thought. 

     "Math is my main problem. I fixed my physics grade enough to pass through this semester. Maybe a lesson or two in exam season if you are kind enough." You listed, resting your head in your hand. You should sound dismissive and aloof and play your cards right this time.  

    "Okay we can work on that.." he trailed off,not knowing how to get on with the conversation. 

     "You should open an Instagram page" you suddenly said. He needed the exposure you had decided. He had the looks, he was smart if we worked on his manners he could get Soojin. 

      He scoffed, right back at his usual self. "And why would I do that?" He asked, now that you knew him a little, his voice filled with disbelief and irony.     

 "So you can show off your good looks to Soojin obviously "you stated, smirking. His relaxed, albeit a little uncomfortable, pose tensed. "It's adorable how tense you get when I mention her" you teased, lips curling a little not able to resist."What made you change your mind?" 

  "I thought about it. That it"  You looked at him. His jaw was clenched, his posture still tense and he was looking you straight in the eyes almost as if he was daring you to say it. 

 "Are you sure? Are you sure that someone didn't help in changing your mind? Like someone trying to get your girl. Someone named...Eric?"you waved your fingers together and touches your chin lightly on them.From the way his body tensed, his mouth was pressed into a thin line concealing his full lips and the slight of his head, you hit bulls eye."Well.. appearance wise I don't have a lot to fix. Personality wise though..we could do so much better." You innocently smile. "Anyway she is on social a lot, she often comes to take photos here, she even followed me. The first step we have to make is her acknowledging you. So genius boy... When are you free?" 

I have some minor changes to do!!! If I have some mistakes forgive me, English is not my first language!

The Deal (2)

Summary: She was officially failing in life and most importantly in university! With her grades hanging of the edge of a thread and tutors rejecting her left and right her only option is to make a deal with the devil a.k.a Kim Seungmin.A deal should always be fair. Your grades in exchange for Kim Seungmin's dream girl. Simple?...Right?!

Word Count: 35k

Slight enemies to lovers, idiots to lovers, slow burn, angst, fluff.

No warnings, some foul language.

AN: Finally it's here! Tumblr won't let me post it in one post, so I am forced to divide into two parts. Would you be interested in SKZ x Greek Mythology theme? Hope you enjoy!!!

Part 1

@lethallyprotected

Well it was time.

   The holiday season. 

   The absurd seasonal drinks you were making all day confirmed that. 

   It was your last shift before taking off to your hometown and everyone on campus decided to pay you a visit today. You were running all around the place, making sugary sweet coffee and foamy milks until the smile was swiped off your face. It was the morning shift so that meant you were getting off at four. A quick glance told you it was 3:30 pm and the half hour that was left was pure torture. 

       But it passed. 

       At the end of your shift, you hung your apron to the back room and bid your coworkers and boss the appropriate Christmas wishes and temporary goodbyes. And you went straight home to start getting ready. You were calculating the time it would take you to get ready tomorrow morning and when should you leave to get there on time, when your phone interupting your train of thought. 

       You checked the id caller and saw Seungmin was calling you. Well, that was a surprise!

      You slid your finger over the screen accepting it and exclaimed loudly "Puppy!"

      "I told you not to call me that" he grumbled under his breath. "Where are you?" 

        You mentally checked before answering.

 You didn't forget any lessons today.

 And you didn't have any plans with him or the rest of them.

       "On my way home" you replied carefully, voice so low that you doubted he was able to hear it.

       A pause and then "Weren't you working today?" 

       "Yeah, my shift ended like 10 minutes ago" you snorted as you crossed the street. 

       "Oh.." he only said. But you could hear noise on the background like he was outside.

       "Seungmin where are you?" You inquired, curious.

       "At the coffee shop.." he replied, sounding defeated.

       You laughed at that. "Why?!"

       "I came by to drop one of your notebooks cause tomorrow you are leaving early" he hastily explained. It was true he had one of your notebooks, but it wasn't like it couldn't wait until after Christmas. 

       You bit your lip, unsure of what to say but opening your mouth all the same. "Well..I am going home you can.. swing by and leave it to me...If it isn't much trouble!" 

       "No, I will be there." he replied "You want anything from outside?"

       "No, I am okay. I will..see you in ten" you replied.

       "See ya in five" he said before hanging up. 

    You quickened your steps, almost fast walking to your house. You reached in no time and climbed the steps in a hurry. At first glance it didn't seem too bad, but it was in no state for visitors. So you began twirling, picking up whatever caught your eye first. You just finished tucking your bed when a knock sounded. 

    "Coming!"you said, rushing to the door and throwing it open to reveal a flushed from the cold Seungmin. He greeted you politely and entered your home, bringing along with him a plastic bag. You looked up and saw him fumbling. 

     "I..I thought that maybe we can watch that movie you said the other day.."he got out, not really looking you straight at the eyes. 

      You tucked your hair behind your ear, sending him a smile. "Sure! I would love to! Thanks for the snacks" You replied and took the bag from his hand.

         You shoved him lightly towards your couch and made your way to the kitchen to plate the pop corn he brought. Only to feel him hover behind you. You threw a glance and there he was leaning against the kitchen table, in all his glory.

       "What time are you leaving tomorrow?" He interjected.

        "Around 9. The train leaves at 10 but we said with Yuqi to be there a little earlier" he hummed, clearly approving of your plans. "How about you?"

        "I am leaving the day after tomorrow. We said with the guys to hang tomorrow evening" This time it was your turn to humm in approval. Some time out with his friends would do him good. He was way too couped up in his house.

       "What are you doing for the holidays?" You wondered as you opened up a bottle of coke as well. The less your fridge had for the holidays the better. You still could recall the horrifying smell of the food that had gone bad while you were away visiting your family. Never again.

       "Probably, I will just stay home. I talked with Jeongin- You don't know him.."he trailed off once he remembered.

        "Baby faced with dimples?" You asked, reaching for the glasses.

        He wordlessly nodded as he took a step closer and pulled them down for you.

        "Thanks. I have seen him around"you confirmed, turning to him.

        "Where?" He asked, doubtful. 

        "With you. Around the school. You know I see many people on a regular basis"you joked, recalling the faces that pasted through the store today and you shuddered.

        "I guess. Anyways, we said that maybe... we can take a trip to go skiing" he said, absentmindedly as he grabbed the full plate and walked towards your couch. He set the plate down only to unravel your bed, which you had previously set. For a moment you stood there watching him in your space. He didn't ask where to sit like the first time. He had been here by now multiple times and you found yourself liking this intimacy. Him at your space.

        When you didn't reply he turned towards you with one eyebrow raised. So you shook yourself out of the daydream you had and replied something like 'you will only hurt yourselves' 

      You quickly settled down beside him on your bed, searching for a calm movie to watch. Through a hasty search and your displeasure with the lack of good movies, you selected Lilo & Stitch, which you absolutely adored. You expected whines and arguments from your company, but only silent greeted you as the movie started. You looked over at him, only iluminated by your laptop's light and had an absurd thought.

 You would miss him during the holidays. 

   The next morning you were running in the cold streets, alongside Yuqi. Running with all your might, although exhausting, managed to secure you spots on the second running train of the day. Your journey was calm and quickly you parted ways with Yuqi, strolling towards the opposite direction. Your dad and your grandparents welcomed you warmly into your house and all together you sat until the early evening simply catching up.

       The rest two days you were spent in a relaxing state, you were simply sleeping and talking with your family. The third day you caught up with some old friends. Some you hadn't seen since forever, so it felt good to know they were doing well and some you still regularly contacted, so you were more aware of their news. 

     As you were walking back, your friends came in mind. What was Yuqi doing? Was Yuna well? Ryunjin got back safe from her trip to her boyfriend? How about Wooyoung and Jisung? Were they out there causing trouble? ...How about Seungmin?

     You fumbled with your phone for a bit, before unlocking it. You strolled through your contacts before briefly stopping above his name. 

     You bit into your lower lip before locking your phone. You would be a bother. You didn't really talk the last days, besides the occasional meme you sent. It would be weird to call him all of a sudden, wouldn't it? 

      Your phone suddenly rang and you nearly jumped out of your skin. You quickly turned your phone over and a gasp left you. The screen displayed the name, that you couldn't bring yourself to call just now. You accepted the call straight away.

      "Hey Y/N" he greeted quietly.

      "Hey Seungmin"you shyly greeted back, unsure what to say now that you were on the line with him. "How have you been?"

      "Good, good. My parents stuffed me with as much food as they could. I made plans with Jeongin this weekend as well." 

      "Mmm your ski trip. Sounds wonderful!  My dad had a feast for me as well. I am just now returning from an outing with friends." You said as you walked further down the familiar street. 

      "Am I interrupting you?" He asked as the thought just dawned on him. 

      "No! No, I am just walking home. Actually I wanted to call too. I was wondering what you were up to"  you shyly admitted, not knowing if it was okay for you to do that. Your nerves soon calmed at his response.

       "Me too. I just stayed at home today. Watched a baseball game."

     "Yeah, dad was watching too when I left" you giggled, amused to hear him grumble at his team defeat. 

  And so the calls continued for the next 2-3 days. 

  And one day calls turned into a video calls. He was only exploring the app and by chance called you, he said. You didn't complain, you just sat and humored him, but imagine your surprise when the video call invitation popped up.

      Here you were today laying on your bed, trying to do math and you had mostly.. completed them, when you stumbled upon a problem you couldn't quite solve. So you decided, that a call to your tutor would be required. So here you were with your hair up and flying everywhere and your pjs on, contemplating to call or not. In the end you sat up, letting your hair down and combing them swiftly before making the call. You waited for a the first beep and then for the second and third and when you were about to hung up, the call was accepted. 

       It was a small comfort that he was in a similar state as you. Clearly in his sleepwear, hair messy enough to match your own and face pressed against his pillow. He seemed just as cuddly as the stuffed animals you had back in the days. 

       "Hey"you whispered into your screen. 

       "Hey"he replied, sounding sleepy.

        "If I called at a bad time I can.." you trailed off, suddenly regretting your choice. You should have checked the time or send a message ahead.

        "No, I was just watching a movie. What's up?" He sat up and stretched to get rid of the stiffness in his body. 

        "I was doing math and I am stuck on this one problem." You mumbled, embarrassed. 

        "Look at you! Doing your homework!" He chuckled, making you roll your eyes "Let me see" you shifted your camera towards the notebook on your bed. The explanation was brief and quite simple, much to your surprise, but instead of hanging up you ended chatting casually. Only when he made himself more comfortable on his bed, you saw the background. "Is that you on the photos?" You asked, trying to cran your neck to see better. 

        He paused for a moment before confirming your guesses with a nod.

        "Can I see?" You interjected excitingly.

        He slowly turned the camera towards his desk. A photo of him in a baseball suit adored your screen. He would be about ten,smiling brightly to the camera, or you guessed, his parents, proudly holding his bat. In the next he was in the arms of his parents, clearly celebrating his second birthday, judging by the number on that cake. And in the third he was in highschool on his sides Minho and the black haired boy that you vaguely recognized as Jeongin. He wasn't smiling full on the last one, a small smile adored his face. 

        "You were so cute!" You exclaimed, laughing. You couldn't see his face as he hadn't turned the camera yet but you knew he would be scoffing at you. "Don't you have more photos?" 

         "A few.." Short it was the reply and his tone anxious but that didn't fazed you in the slightest.

         "Show me" you demanded, making yourself comfortable.

      And so, he did show the few ones he had in his room. He even ventured into to his living room to show the bigger pictures his parents had hung up. Once again in the safety of his room, you were gussing over his photos

      "You really were a beautiful child!"you teased him. 

      "Yeah. Right" he scoffed and paused for a bit. He met your stare through the camera and immediately lowered it as he softly spoke again. "You know my schoolmates used to tease me a lot. Not really bullying, but.. they would say-" he paused as if he said too much.

      The cheery atmosphere shifted. His uncomfortable state wasn't something that sat right with you. It felt wrong to see such a level headed person being anxious over sharing his past experiences. You bit your lip, wondering if you should let it go or encourage him to talk to you. A look at his lowered head had you gently speaking words of encouragement. "If you wanna talk about it, I will listen" 

      He raised his head and looked at you. He was thinking hard about this, but after a good look at you, he signed and continued his story. "They would call me mouth-monster or ugly. I had braces when I was younger, as you saw." You had thought they were adorable. Why would they tease him about something as simple as this?

    "They didn't really continued it for long. Only a couple of months. Maybe a year top. But..you know. Later, I learned Minho threatened them to stop. And who saw Minho and wasn't scared of him. I really own him one" He let out a humorless laugh.

       He was trying to talk about it as if it didn't bother him, as if he was untouchable and it broke your heart a little. He was facing down again, not really looking at you so you coed him gently. 

    "That's why I went into the dentist care. I guess I wanted to help the kids that were like me. Maybe if I was told earlier I wouldn't have to wear them and-..." He looked at you from underneath his lashes. "Maybe if I had been told that I have a beautiful smile more often, it would have been better.. different"

    You could only look at the boy in front of you, your heart breaking at his soft admission. He only wanted someone to tell him he's beautiful. And damn you, if you didn't!

       "Seungmin I think you were beautiful as a child. And I think you are even more beautiful as an adult. You have a amazing smile and you are kind to talk about it as if they aren't the scum bags."  That one got a laugh out of him. "Have you seen the comments on your Instagram? They were fighting over who got to have you" you joked, trying to lighten the mood.

      And it worked as a flush was covering his face now and an embarrassing laugh left him. "But really shouldn't think that about yourself. You are wonderful and you should see yourself as that. You only have yourself in this lifetime. Treasure yourself, Minnie" 

        He looked as if he would cry for a moment, but then he smiled at you. That smile at the photo, the mega watt full smile that lit up his whole face. You couldn't keep a smile off your own face.

      "My eyes! I am blinded by beauty!" You cried and flang yourself out of the screen. 

     "Y/N!!" Giggles left your phone, showing Seungmin also yeeting himself out of the screen. You layed down and brought the phone closer to your face. He mimicked your stance and the conversation flowed down on more easy paths.

      "Don't you have your own home?!" You asked incredulously as your video call was answered once again by none othe than Jeongin himself. 

      "I can say the same for you, Noona! Don't you have other..friends to call?" He said with a pause full of meaning, his foxy eyes almost staring you down. You felt the blood rush to your face at his words and sure enough you were red. 

    "Seungmin!" You called again in hopes of catching his attention.

    "Mmm" he mumbled mid bite, his mouth and fingers stained from the chips he was munching on. He briefly looked over to you before returning his gaze back to the screen.

     "Did you really call me to watch Brooklyn 99 together?" You asked, amused by the boy with the stuffed cheeks in your screen. 

      "Yeah! Now shhhh! We're missing the best part!" He whined, pointing to the tv you couldn't see. 

    You laughed at him but turned on your laptop and went with it.

     The morning air was biting you in the ass. 

     The crispy winter morning wasn't tolerable at all and if only your dad didn't drug you here for your morning holiday tradition, you would be happily sleeping away the cold. But here you were with a basket on your hands and trailing behind him, half awake. 

       "What gift should we buy for grandma and grandpa?" He wondered as he inspected a pink wooly shawl. 

       "Probably something for the winter would be good. You know they get cold easily." You thought out loud, inspecting the shawl as well. It seemed warm and you adored the color.

       "Should we?" He asked back just as unsure. Your grandparents never asked for anything for the holidays. They always accepted their gifts, whatever they were, with a smile and the familiar line of 'it was exactly what I wanted'. You snorted to yourself, they were too nice to tell you that you weren't cut out for gift buying. 

       Suddenly as you rounded an other corner of the market, a stall caught your attention. The stall was full of baseball merchandise. But what caught your attention was a cap. It had the SK Wyverns logo on it and it was a nice shade of dark blue. For some reason, you saw it and immediately thought of Seungmin and how well it would fit him. 

     You didn't know you stopped walking until you heard your dad calling you. You snapped your head towards him, sheepishly and turned your attention back on the cap. You called the shop owner over and asked for a prize. It was a reasonable price, that's why you were buying it. Besides you had bought some gifts for the others, it would sadden him not to receive anything. 

      Your dad was quiet during the whole exchange, but you felt him figgeting beside you and working his courage to speak up. You wish he wouldn't. 

    "So who is the lucky guy

     But he did.

     "No one, just my friend." 

     "Hmm. You have a friend"

     "Daaaad!" you whined, clearly not wanting to continue talking about it. But the old man paid you no mind and continued his 'investigation'. 

        "So when did you meet?"

        You let out a breath. He wasn't letting it go. "He is my tutor. We met in the beginning on the semester. I was failing and-"

        "You are failing?" He asked shocked. He turned towards you, alarmed and worried. 

        "I WAS falling. Keep up, dad. Seungmin helped me raise my grades back up." 

         He wasn't in a good state to hear anything right now "Honey we have talked about this. If you are having troubles with school, you tell me. I know you said you wanna work but if this is too much for you.. You don't have to work-"

      "I have to work. How else can I support myself?" you cut him off, facing forward. You had strayed from the market paths and you were now walking to your truck. 

      "Excuse me? You say that as if I don't support you! Y/N we said that, if it compromise with your studies you would -" 

      "You said! I didn't said anything!" You talked back, already feeling the blood rushing to your head.

       "Y/N!" He roared, taking you by surprise. Dad never yelled. He must be extremely furious to raise his tone like that. But right at this moment you couldn't force yourself to care, as you were in a similar state. "Do you have to be that damn stubborn all the time! We have talked about this! I didn't agree to you working in the first place! You-! Ugh! You still did! But! But this! This is taking things too far!" He spit on your face, his face growing redder and redder by the minute. 

     "You can barely manage here! How can you manage me too?!"you were both shouting at this point, anger taking over.

      He took a step away from you, breathing heavily from his nose. You did the same catching your breath, your eyes were misty and you hated that. So you turned to the truck you had unconsciously reached, placed your things inside and stepped back. You turned to your father, who was stomping his way to the driver's seat and told him sharply "I will go and see if I can buy something for grandma and grandpa. I will see you at home" 

    You didn't expect an answer, you simply closed the door (albeit with a little more force than necessary) and disappeared into the crowd. 

       You wandered quite a bit, passed stalls and merchants as they shouted loudly to be heard over the others. You stopped in a few stalls to inspect some things that catch your fancy, but with your temples throbbing and your teeth still gritted on anger, you couldn't appreciate them right. So you wandered aimlessly across the market some more, until you grew tired and cold. You knew a place, where they sell the most amazing hot chocolate you've ever tasted and it was near the market so you headed there. It was a small shop, colours of yellow, green and white blended all together to create a childlike atmosphere that seemed to make you lighter when you headed in. You ordered your hot chocolate and sat at the window, trying to calm down.

     Theoretically, you knew that your dad cared for you and that's why he told you to quit and pay attention only to school, but he would't be able to afford to pay for everything. You wanted to be able to go out and party with your friends without worrying if the money would be enough. You wanted to lighten the amount of rent your dad paid and help him around the house too. Help with your grandparents' meds and expenses too. 

     You signed and took out your phone to check the hour. 11:45 pm. It was still early for your next bus. 

     You unlocked your phone and played with it for a bit, before checking your messages. Yuqi and Yuna had replied to your last message and you had been sent memes by Wooyoung and.. Seungmin? You opened the message and saw it was a mathematical meme. Classic Seungmin. You laughed and called his number before realizing. When he answered after the first beep, you were shook out of your stupor. 

      "Hello?" He called "Y/N?"

      "Hey. Yeah, it's me" you whispered shallowly. Why did you even call?

      "What's up?" He asked.

      "Nothing.. Nothing much! I just..wanted to chat" you said, not really knowing what to say. "Sorry I didn't know you were busy. I will talk-"

      "It's okay. We just arrived with Jeongin to the rooms and we would take a rest anyway."

       "Ohh right. You went skiing this weekend. How is it?" You asked as you nursered the rest of your chocolate. 

      "It's nice! The snow is thick enough so we can go skiing tomorrow" he exclaimed, clearly excited to slide through the snow and down the hill.

      "Tell Jeongin to take videos of you falling. I need something to laugh at" you teased him lightly, still watching the busy market out of the window. 

      "..Y/N? Are you okay?" He asked quietly, probably sensing you weren't in the best mood. After months together when you didn't talk his ear off it was a red flag, you supposed. 

       "Mmm. Everything's fine" you replied.   

Silence greeted you on the other side of the line and then. "If you wanna talk about it, I will listen" 

     A snort left you. "Gosh, I hate when you throw my words back to me" He laughed along with you trying to lighten up your mood.      "Annoying isn't it?"he asked, still laughing. 

     "Yeah..it is" you paused briefly,  but the need to tell him made you open your mouth again. "I had a fight with my dad." It was quiet for a moment, only the rustle of the bed as he sit up was heard. 

      "About?" He wondered.

     "He found out that I was doing bad at math. He said to stop working and focus on school." You played with your cup, twirling it around in your now warm hands. People were slowly filling the store, but the seats around you remained empty.

      "Okay" he dragged the word, trying to select his words carefully "And why did you fight?" 

       "It's just...money is tight, dad is struggling to make meet's end and pay for my grandparents' expenses. I am on scholarship and if I fail, it would only be more money-" you couldn't complete your sentence as tears choked you up.

 Gosh you hated this. 

 You didn't like to cry. And there you stood, in a crowded shop, your only company your phone with tears streaking down your face.

      He on the other line was panicking, never heard you cry this easily before.  "Hey! Hey! Don't cry! Take a big breath for me."

     And you listened to his instruction. You gulped as much air as you you could "Good. Good. Take more breaths for me" he coaxed you.

     Breath in.

     Breath out.

 You continued breathing, calming yourself enough.

     "Ok?" He asked, uncertain.

     "Yeah..I just.. don't wanna be a burden to him. I wanna help. If I have a job that means one less worry for him. It isn't easy, I don't want to work all the time. I wanna have fun but I can't be a burden to him, Seungmin." you sniffled. It was as simple as that. 

       "You are not a burden-" he started, but you cut him off ready to go at it.

      "I am! I am a burden to you too! I made you agree to this deal! I had a lot to win, you didn't. I am burdening you-" you swallowed back a sob. Your throat was clogging up again and some costumers where starting looking your way.

      "Y/N. You are not a burden. Don't say that" he pleaded, starting to sound upset as well. 

     You paused, gathering your thoughts, trying to explain to him in a more effective way.

      "You asked me before why I was in marketing... It's always needed. You always need to sell a product. If you always need to sell, I would always be needed, so I will always have a job and income" you quietly said. 

     You were simple really. You were a little greedy, a little chatty and sometimes over confident for no good reason. 

      "Y/N listen to me. You are not a burden. You knew how to make a deal. You gave me a solution. If you were cruel about it, you could have told everyone but you didn't. You care about your father and don't want to weight him down. You are working hard and at your own expense, you are struggling. You are a good daughter and a good friend. And for what matters, I am glad I met you. You encourage me to try new things, that I wouldn't dare to try. I don't want you to think bad of yourself." He instructed you. He made everything you did sound like a noble act, it couldn't be so far from it.

      You moved the phone slightly away from your face and sniffled quietly. A new bunch of tears were wetting your face, sobs racked your body and at this point you were panting for breath. He had really moved you. And even though you knew he was saying some of those things because you were a little sad, you decided to enjoy the comfort and question yourself later. It made you feel a little better all the same. 

      "Thank you" you got out.

      "Your welcome." He replied right away "Y/N can you take some more breaths for me please? Where are you now?" He asked. Was he concerned? He sounded frustrated enough and like he was pacing up and down on his room. 

     "Out. We came to the market with dad. He..left but I have a little more shopping to do." You sheepishly replied, leaving the walking away from the car incident out of the conversation. You already over shared.

       "You should head home and talk with your dad. And call me after. Okay?" The pacing had seized and a loud thud was heard maybe as he landed on the bed. 

       "Okay.." you said slowly, now more in control of your breathing "You sent me pictures of your trip, okay?" It would be wonderful to see something as pretty as the snowy mountain.

        "Okay" he mumbled more quietly now, as if he was being heard. Maybe Jeongin come in. "Talk to you later" he said and you half- heartly bid him goodbye.

        The ride home was a long one. You thought over and over what to say to your dad. You were a bit cruel and you exaggerated a lot. An apology should be the first thing that leaves your mouth, you concluded. 

        As you neared the door, it flew open revealing your very worried dad. He looked trousled, his hair (or whatever was left of it anyway) was messy as if he run his hands relentlessly, his face was flushed as he was crying. 

         "Dad what-?" Was all you managed to get out, before you were cradled into his arms. He didn't talk, just squeezed you harder. A sound like a sniffle was heard and just as you made to question it, you were drugged on the inside. 

        "Dad?"you questioned, standing still. He was pacing back and forth now right in front of you in the middle of your living room. "Dad!" You exclaimed successfully catching his attention. "I am sorry"

        He looked at you before engulfing you between his arms again. "No, baby. I am sorry" And with that sentence it was like he opened up the gates and tears welled up in your face.

      "I didn't want to be a burden! You have so- so much going on h-here! And! And I was t-trying to do w-what I can on my own" you sobbed. Your nose was blocked and your voice wobbled as you tried to get the point across.

        Just then hands cradled your face making you meet his eyes. "Baby..you are not a burden. It is my duty as your father to provide for you. You don't have to think about money all the time. I am here for you" 

       Hearing those words you broke down again in the safety of his arms, your troubles seemed so little and insignificant. For now you could be a little vulnerable and less tough. 

    Hours later, you were freshly bathed and in bed, ready to go to sleep when your phone rang. You reached over to your desk to grab it. Only to see a familiar name flashing across your screen. 

     "Hey Minnie" you whispered. 

     "Hey.. how are you? You.. didn't call so I... yeah" It was quiet on his end, he should be in his room by now, tired from the day's activities but he still made the effort to call you. You felt grateful you had met such good people. 

      "I am good. We talked about everything. Maybe I will cut back a few days to relax and study a bit more." You said as you cuddled into the bed, the emotional day finally catching up with you. You felt your eyes drop, but you willed them to open up again.

      "That's good. You should rest more. You deserve it" he replied back, tone gentle. You weren't used to hearing him like that. Sweet and gentle.

     "Seungmin.. thank you. It means a lot to me that you called"you said quietly. Hoping you weren't dumping much on him. 

       Quiet was all you heard through the line for a bit and then "I wanted too. I wanted to comfort you as you did to me the other day. I don't talk much about that time and it felt.. good...that the first thing you said to me about that period ,where I was not in a good state..it was that my smile was shinning" 

        You smiled. For some reason, hearing you made him feel lighter and happy made you lighter in return. It always did for some reason. All the times that he did things out of his comfort zone, all the times he followed along with your schemes, everytime he smiled at you and comforted you. You liked it..

    You liked him. 

    You blinked twice at the sudden though.            You liked him?

   Your first thought about the guy was that he was way too stuck up and insufferable to get along with. Where did all this came from? Maybe from all the times he cared, when you twisted your leg, when he cared for you when you were drunk, when you silently sat at your home and watched dramas, when he came by the coffee shop to sit with you. 

      Ohh. You were officially fucked.

     "Y/N?"

     His voice pulled you out of your daydream. Face completely flushed at this point, lips bitten to shreds and eyes wide you only could stare at your phone.

       "Y-Yeah! I-I was looking for my charger! This thing always runs out of battery" you explained, thankful for once for your ability to lie easily. 

      "Maybe if you didn't spent all of your day on your phone the battery would be okay" he teased, trying to get a reaction out of you. And he got it

        "Hey!" you whined loudly to your speaker. But the only response was his giggles, that warmed your heart a little more. Suddenly you didn't want to got off the phone, you want to hear him speak idly about his day and poke fun at you. So you asked just that and as if he was thinking the same he eagerly spoke.. It was well into the morning when you hang up, your heart lighter than ever and a silly smile plastered onto your face, even in sleep.

      Fifteen days passed before you could even blink.

    The cheery homey atmosphere at home, the meetings with your friends and the calls with Seungmin filled your day to the brim. 

Yesterday was the first shift of the year. It was lovely to see all your coworkers and friends together again. Your boss, being the generous woman that she was, had prepared gifts for everyone. You had been gifted a black ribbon that served as a hair tie. It was adorable. And a discreet reminder to tie your hair during work hours. 

your hair during work hours.

      Now you stood before the library, waiting at your usual spot for Seungmin, with your own gift in your hands. The cap was nothing much and you were sure it wasn't even original, but along with the pair of blue mittens and a scarf, you hoped they were enough.

 You eyed the people coming.

 No sign of Seungmin yet. 

A quick glance at your phone told you, it was a minute past your agreed time so you would let it slide. You busied yourself by replying to some texts from Hong Joong and Ryunjin, when you felt a presence behind you. With a quick glance, you found yourself looking straight into a pair of chocolate eyes. 

    You yelped from the surprise and the closeness. "Kim Seungmin!" You barked, hands coming to clutch your heart. Furious giggles greeted you in return. You looked up to see him, the two weeks apart treated him good. He seemed refreshed and lively, who knows what kind of mischief he had caused along with Jeongin. You instinctively reached up and slapped away his hand, that was covering his smile. He didn't dodge your efforts, letting himself be hit.

     "Hello" he said when his giggles seized.

     "Hi"you got out.

 He looked even cuter on person, was your first thought. You mentally slapped yourself. Come on Y/N! You have known him since October! You were together almost every day since mid October! Those were the rose tinted glasses people talked about. "How was your break?" 

       "As you don't know" he said, rolling his eyes. "We have been talking almost everyday" he quoted and starting walking towards the double doors of the library. 

      "Wait!" You yelped, clutching nervously his gift. You were beginning to sweat purposefully and you felt way beyond yourself. "I...um..I got you this!" You thrusted the cute bag in front of you, body all stiff.

       He cocked his head to the side and walked over to where you stood. Gingerly he reached for the bag, opening it gently as you would take it away from him. Slowly a smile spread on his face, he looked up briefly to you and then down again on his gift. He took it out and wore it, with a proud smile on his face. "How do I look?" He asked, turning his head from right to left so you can see him from all the possible angles.

       "Adorable" you teased, now at ease. Blue suited him, you thought and you told him so, your words bringing a pretty flush on his ears. He then cleared his throat and began searching in his backpack. After a beat, his hands come up clutching a small white bag. With a embarrassed smile, he extended the bag to you.

       "I guess we had the same thought" he explained, looking over your head before fleetingly meeting your eyes. You felt a warm feeling spreading over your body as you gazed from him to your gift. You sent a big toothy smile his way before taking the bag and taking a look inside. Inside the bag sat a smaller bag made of tulle, which contained the most beautiful pair of earrings you had seen. A dangly thing it was. A single pink cherry blossom sat, where you supposed your lobe would be and from it three almost invisible chains ran down, petals sprinkled over the chains. You loved them. 

      "Thank you Seungmin. I love it" you said, tucking it safely back into the box. 

      He smiled at you and shaked his head. "It just reminded me of you. Shall we?"he asked, pointing at the building behind you. 

        "We shall" you answered.

     The next few days were a dream.

 You all came back, hang out, had multiple night outs and had been having a blast. 

You hadn't noticed how Seungmin had warmed himself up in your daily routine. You met almost daily, his friends always lurked around the cafe, either because they were working in it (insert Jisung) either because they enjoyed the place. You had officially met Jeongin, who you always chatted with on your video chats with Seungmin, but never actually met. He was a sweetheart and always ready to mercilessly tease the grumpy boy.

       But, unfortunately, you were not the only ones that reconnected. Soojin and Seungmin reconnected. And they reconnected really good.They had been actively hanging out. Mainly on the cafe, occasionally out of it. You saw their stories and how they discussed where they would be going. 

       And you were seething.

       You wondered all those past months.. how did you manage to stand this? Not only you had to watch them on your shifts, you had Seungmin telling you all about his conversations with her. On the past you had no problem, now things were...a little different. But you hadn't had the heart to tell him to stop talking. You always wanted to hear him talk about things that made him excited, even this.

     Today though was your day though.

 You had a new series you wanted to watch. You had prepared masks and facials you had been dying to try out. As you searched through the fridge you realized. You had forgotten the beer. Usually your fridge was fully stocked and ready to serve, but a certain non drinker (as he had called himself) had been through 5 cans of beer the last time he was here leaving you dry. As you were contemplating running a quick errand to the market down the street, your phone rung. You checked the caller, seeing exactly what you wanted. 

     "Seungmin! Perfect timing! We ran out of beer. Can you get some on your way here?" You asked as you filled up the bowl with your favourite barbeque pop corn. 

     "Y/N...I hate to do this but do you think we can .. reschedule?"he said, tone slightly off.

     You assumed the worst. Seungmin was nothing if not punctual.

     "Are you okay? Do you feel alright? Did something happened with Minho or Jeongin?"you stressed, hands immediately flying up to trousle your tresses.

     "No! No, I.. had made plans with Soojin and I kinda mixed the days"he said, carefully.

     Oh.

     Of course he would prefer to spend his night with Soojin than you. You bit your lip, unsure what to do. Of course you minded. Not only it was the second time he did that to you, it was for the same person as well. But you couldn't exactly tell him that, could you? "No..I.. don't mind. Have fun" you slowly said, voice void of emotion in order not to betray your true one. 

     For a moment you thought that he would question you about your tone and your robotic manner, but he eventually signed. "I will make it up to you. I swear" he said.

     You hummed and muttered a simple goodbye. Energy suddenly drained and with your mood bungee jumping through the floor, you decided a wine or a beer would be definitely needed after all. So you grumpily grabbed your coat and your old sneakers making a bee line to the store. You entered, greeted the cashier and taking your familiar basket to browse the selves for anything that caught your fancy. You had a couple chocolate bars in it and you were standing in front of the fridge with the alcohol when the sound of your name being called grabbed your attention. 

     Turning your head, you met with a two coloured head and a bright smile.

 Hong Joong. 

 You smiled and waved him over.

     "I haven't seen you since before the holidays!" He exclaimed as a greeting, crushing you into a bear hug. 

     "Happy New Year Joongie!" You giggled, as you took a step back. His stare fell from your face to your basket to the fridge you were currently standing in front of. 

     "Not so happy right now, is it?" He asked knowingly. A grimace overtook your face, not being able to lie, you nodded.

     "I admit it could have gone better" you signed and then asked, half turned to him, half scanning the alcohol. "Did you finish your project?"

     "Yeah! We still have a check over left, but it was all smooth sailing" he laughed, clearly at ease. You envied him. Especially now, that the exams were looming over your head with the threat of expulsion. And there was the thing with Seungmin. You know the recently discovered and one sided feelings you had for him. Your thoughts must have manifested on your face because soon he was asking what's wrong. 

     "My friend, to tell the story it would take a long time and alcohol" you preached, eyeing the strawberry flavored soju bottle. 

     "I got time" he announced, making you turn at him. You raised your eyebrows and he nodded. 

     "In that case what kind of soju flavor do you prefer?" You required.

    After a few hours later and some (a lot) of drinks later you were okay. Your second tutor became the first one to learn of your feelings for your third one. Ironic. But Hong Joong had a calmness that made you feel perfectly at ease telling him that. He had adviced you to go for it and he had admitted he thought you guys were already dating. You had snorted at this.

   You wished. 

    But Hong Joong was wrong. He had been right about Seungmin curling himself up and begging for mercy as he did that the very next morning. But he hadn't seen coming the next rejections. 

    Three weeks in and Seungmin had cancelled on you 5 times. Soojin this, Soojin that. You had grown tired of hearing how great the girl was. Not to mention insecure. She was pretty, nice, kind. What hasn't she had? And do you have? 

    You tried to drown your feelings and feigned empathy towards the sudden cancellations and ruined plans. But you felt heavier with every ruined outing or night in. Those 5 times were enough for your eyes to shine maliciously green. You were beyond yourself jealous and you didn't know what to do and how to act before Seungmin anymore. Maybe a little more distance would do you good, maybe you could salvage a little of your heart. Yeah, a little distance is good.

    And apparently you must wear your heart on your sleeves because Seungmin caught right on. He apologized about the plans alright, but now every time you made plans you would find an excuse to avoid him. You had to go shopping with Yuqi or you had agreed to meet with Hong Joong and you couldn't cancel last minute. You even tried to cut down on your study time and that's when he knew that something was definitely wrong, after all exams were a mere 3 weeks away and you needed that time. 

    Ηe stepped up then. 

    That's why today you waiting for him in your house, practically vibrating with nervous energy. He seemed on guard when he called you. Almost awkward. But then he probably mimicked your own behavior. Your lips were bitten to shreds and your nails bloody by the time the doorbell rung. You gulped down as much air as you could and you opened the door. 

  And there he stood. 

  The cap you had gifted him on his head, black puffer jacket engulfing him and with an adorable flush on his cheeks, probably from the cold. You took a step back, inviting him in silently. He made his way into your home, now the surroundings familiar to him and plopped down to your couch. He cocked his head to the empty side of the couch, silently asking you to seat. 

     You made your way to him and before you could even sit on the couch, he started the interogation. 

     "What is going on?" He asked, always his straightforward and level headed self. 

     Truth or lie, that is the question. But right now lying seemed like your only ally. "What do you mean?" You asked carefully. 

     "I mean you are avoiding me. You are cancelling our plans. You even wanted to cancel the lessons!" His voice was steady, raising slightly at the end, making you feel even worse for a moment. And then you remembered the scene of them sitting together at the cafe, the phone call to cancel your plans and the words flew out of your mouth without your consent.

   "Like you didn't do the same" you returned, a scoff leaving you. 

      His eyes widen at the mockery that was present in your voice, but they quickly changed, they seemed like steel now. "I cancelled on you once" he reasoned, hands coming together to grip each other tightly. "Only once"

      "No, you cancelled after we already made plans once. You had been pushing around the dates that we planned and the hangouts 5 times at least! I guess that happens when you get a girlfriend" you commented, lips pulled back in a snarl, your face an menacing grimace now. 

      "Ohh so you can hang out with Hong Joong, but I can't hangout with Soojin" he chided, tone ice cold.

      "Don't compare the two. It's totally different" you reasoned, frustration causing your voice to raise. You turned to face him fully on the couch now, he seemed as agitated as you felt. "Besides I hanged out with Hong Joong the times that you left me stranded" you spat.

      He flinched at that. Head hanging low for a beat and then raising again, ready for a duel. "I like Soojin that's why I am hanging out with her. You were supposed to be happy for me. That was the deal" 

      It was your time to flinch at that. That was a low blow, even though he didn't know. "So why don't you go now to her?" You bitterly asked, looking away.

       He sat silent for a moment. Staring at his hands. When his voice shattered the silence.

  "I will confess tomorrow. That's what I wanted to tell you" he breathed, twisting his hands nervously at the thought, letting his guard down for a second.   

      Your heart plummeted in response to those words. It felt like an invisible hand went through your chest, grabbing your poor heart with its only purpose to rip her right out. 

Your vision that stayed nailed to the faded corner of your coffee table started blurring little by little, like you were looking at the world through mist eyed lenses. You closed your eyes not wanting to let the tears escape and betray the deviation you were felling inside right at this moment.

      "I guess the deal is over.. But I..I will see you around Y/N." He smiled an odd uncomfortable smile that showed the confusion he was feeling, and even though not a word come out of your mouth, he got up, gathered his things, walked to the front door and left.     

       Upon hearing the sound of the door closing the tears that you tried so hard to keep, were now slowly dripping down your face. Your mouth was trembling, lifting and dropping, as if it couldn't decide what expression to keep to express your sorrow better. Even breathing was more difficult now, due to the blockage in your nose. But all that wasn't what was important right now.

 You were losing him.You had lost him before having a chance to tell him how you feel.     

    Suddenly you weren't on the sofa anymore, you were up and running. Running after him. You flew out of the door and raced towards the stairs, you didn't have time to wait for the elevator to arrive, instead you headed to the stairs. When you reached the entrance your breath was unstable and the place under your ribs hurting from the sudden work out but you paid them mo mind. You run outside, turning your head left and right trying to locate his disappearing figure. There! There he was! By the end of the street, a lone figure, coat clad and on top of his head sat a very familiar cap. Your gift to him specifically. 

       "SEUNGMIN!" You yelled with all your might. He heard your panicked call and turned towards you. But before he could take a step to your direction, you were already running. Running before time caught up with you. 

      You reached him, panting from the rally. He looked beautiful. In the middle of the street, lights hitting him just right to appear ethereal, his hoodie and black thick coat made him appear warm in the cold winter night, almost like a beacon, calling you closer. His capped head cocked slightly to his right made him more adorable as he waited for you to breath normally and tell him why you chased after him.

    "I like you" you blurted out incapable of controlling your feelings anymore. "I like the way you always scold me when I do the wrong thing so I can try harder, l like when even though you pretend to be cold you are always so considerate, I like how you are always so adamant to be right and react so adorable when things don't go your way, I like how passionate you are. I like how we can be silent and watch stupid shows together. I like how you sent me every little thing you thing it's cute so you can share it with me. I like how easy are to get with, contrary to first opinions. I like how I am with you. I like who I am because of you. I like you Kim Seungmin" Tears were still filling your vision, you could now see your breath in front of you in the darkness of the night but you didn't care. You needed to tell him, you had told him and right then you felt so light like you could float away. 

     One look in his wide eyes though, told you that maybe you should fly away, flew the scene and most devastating of all something told you that maybe you couldn't have your chance after all.  

       "Y-Y/N I..I-" he tried getting out and your whole world tumbled down. "I don't know- I am not sure if I feel the same-" he could have stabbed your heart and it would hurt less than what you were feeling right now. 

He doesn't know. 

  A new set of tears came to your eyes, but this time you were incapable of holding them in. A sob was clawing it's way out of your throat, only escaping a mere second before you slapped your hand over your mouth in order to keep it in.

    "Y/N!" He exclaimed, taking a step towards you, hand raised as if to wipe your tears away, but your shaken step back stopped him. You shook your head as you took another step back. He didn't want you. Even though you told him everything.. he didn't want you. You turned around and blindly runned.

 "Y/N!!Y/N wait!"  He shouted after you.

   Nothing stopped you though.

   He didn't stop you. 

   An excruciating pain clawed at your chest making you blind to anything except your inner turmoil. You reached your apartment door in a pained haze, bursted in and let your sobs take over. Painful sob after painful sob racked you, making you unable to comprehend anything around you. You didn't know how much time you spent there against your front door, crying your heart out. All you knew was that you were light headed, your ears were ringing and your grip over the world was slipping. 

  It was exactly as you feared. 

  You had told him and you weren't enough to keep him. 

You weren't everything he wanted. 

You weren't good enough to love. 

You would never be good enough. 

You picked yourself up from the floor, took the remaining steps towards the sofa and slumped over it. You hadn't enough strength to fight the oblivion from taking over. The last image your mind concurred was of Seungmin-wide eyed in reaction to your confession and tears slipped down your eyes again as you finally slipped into the oblivion.

     After that night you had made it your mission to avoid him at all costs. 

  Your shame and pettiness didn't allow anything less than that. 

You had blocked both his number and his instagram, which you had crafted slowly together.

 Seungmin had made several attempts to contact you ever since that night. He had come by your workplace as he had deemed the phone useless by now but you had taken a couple days off work. Not wanting to worry your father with an unexpected surprise and not wanting to be alone in your apartment, you had crashed at Yuqi's for a few days, hoping your dramatic ass wasn't too much for her. Her roommate Soyeon rolled her eyes at you for crying over a boy but joined your pity party anyways, not able to resist pizza. 

    With exams drawing near, you unfortunately had to study. Looking at your notebooks and books filled with Seungmin's neat handwriting you felt like they mocked you. But you had to get through this, for this stupid scholarship you made the deal, for this you broke your heart. 

    Eventually you had to get back to work. Your days went smoothly, you ticked in, greeted your regulars, small talked with Jisung and now you were on the front on cashier's duty. You heard the door opening and you opened your mouth automatically to greet the customer, but the sight in front of you left your mouth dry. Seungmin bursted through the door, panting as he made a bee line straight to you. He came with such strength that he collided against the counter. He looked wild, hair a mess and clothes hastily put on. 

        "Y/N! Where- Nevermind! I need to talk to you." He got out, hands inching over the counter to reach you. 

      But you took a step back and with a tone as cold as you could muster you stated "I don't have anything to talk about with you" You could do this. You spent enough days crying over him. You wouldn't cry anymore. 

       "Please! I have to tel-" 

       "Seungmin." You cut him off, staring him dead in the eye. His desperate appearance and big eyes made you crumble a little inside. "I said everything I had to say. You gave me your answer. We have nothing to talk about" 

       "No you don't understand. I-" he rushed his words in order to get something across, but to his bad luck and to your good one, a customer cut your conversation short.

       "Excuse me? Can I order?" A unfamiliar face inquired. 

         "Yes, of course." You called over Seungmin's shoulder before turning to him "If you excuse me, I have work to do" you ushered him gently to the side and tried to pay him no mind. 

 Seungmin had made several other attempts to contact you.

 You still avoided him as much as you could, but it was a bit difficult when he stood there looking at you. You tried to not talk to him while he tried to corner you. You had instructed Ryunjin to not let him near you. You would break if you did. Even now the sad looks were getting to you. 

    This thing was going on for a week and a half. You hadn't spoken to each other seven days now if you included the small talk by the cashier the other day. You weren't ready to hear him, you weren't ready for him to tell you that he was together and happy with Soojin while you were over here, green with envy and with a large challenge in front of you.

 Exams were starting. 

   You weren't even there, neither mentally nor emotionally. But you had to fight it. Your scholarship depended on it.  

  Fake it till you make it.

  So fake it tou did. You forced yourself to work on your studies. In the mist of it all, little notes had been finding their way into your things.

Don't forget the formula! 

Keep on working hard!

Hope we can talk..

You had a pretty good idea on who was the writer.  

And it pained you greatly. Why was he going through all this trouble. You had gotten his message and while he was being nice trying to make sure you were alright, you would rather he wouldn't. He was making this too hard on you. 

He had Soojin now. All was good, right?

The truth was you hadn't seen him with Soojin,not once. The girl's visits were few now, that she had started on her finals (earlier as all the art students did), but when she appeared she had gifted you a knowing smile. A secret only she knew apparently, because you had no idea why she was looking at you like that. You didn't pointed that out, in fact you hadn't looked at her that much.

 And exams rolled in.

   The first three subjects were a success.. Of course you couldn't escape the dread that filled you everytime you sat behind the desk, but you had managed alright. It was manageable till now, but the big threats (maths and physics, you couldn't even utter their names!) had yet to come. 

 You had picked up less hours at the cafe in order to prepare yourself. You were a tutor down yet again, albeit this time a little more painful.

   And finally the d-day arrived. You raised your head, shoulders pulled back. 

Pens? Check. 

Pencils? Check. 

Water? Check. 

Student ID? Check. 

Note from Seungmin?... Check 

The little yellow note was safely tucked in your pocket last minut,e because you couldn't bear to part with it. He had sticked to your front door last night, you showed it when you came over from work and it had moved you to tears. Gosh, you were such a crybaby now!

 You knew that your conversation was long overdue. Three weeks have already passed and even though you wanted to, you couldn't bring yourself to. 

    But that was a problem that future Y/N had to deal with.

 Now you needed your head in the game. 

You had maths to do, you thought as you marched to your possible doom. 

 You had passed! 

The endless hours, the blood, the sweat and the tears you had spilled were all worth it. Admittedly you had made it barely, but you had made it! You had made an exceptional progress on physics too, acquiring a better grade than you originally thought you would.

   You were beyond happy and your immediately thought was of your beloved tutor. You should contact him, firstly to thank him and secondly for a conversation you had apparently left in the middle, what was left to say was beyond you. 

    You were playing with your phone currently, the contract named Puppy open and ready to be called. You bit your lips, your finger hovering above the button when a voice stopped you on your track.

   Soojin.

    "Hello Y/N" she pleasantly greeted, an ever lasting smile on her face.

   "Soojin, hi. The usual?" You asked, not in the mood for pleasantries. You had already turned your back to the girl to make her coffee.

   "To go, please" she called sweetly to you, getting a sharp nod in response. "How is Seungmin?" she asked, voice still dripping honey. You froze. While you didn't know Soojin that well, you didn't think she was the type to gloat in your face about her winning Seungmin's heart. You appeared to be wrong again. 

    "How should I know? Shouldn't I be asking you that?" You returned coldly, trying to hold yourself back. You were at work, you wouldn't be caught fighting like a 6-year-old for a doll you both wanted. Not that Seungmin was a price to be had. He was just as pretty as a doll thought.

    "Ahh, you still didn't talk with him" she signed. You turned to place her drink of choice on the counter, ready for her to be gone. "Why are you avoiding him?" She said, head cocked to the right, making her seem all too innocent for your liking. 

      You almost scoffed "I don't think this is any of your business" you answered while you took her card to ring up her order. 

     For the first time her face turned sour and a determinated pout appeared on her face "Well I am making it my own goddamn business. We talked with Seungmin. We made everything clear. He likes you and I like Eric" she answered, sassiness dripping from her tongue this time. 

    What?

   "What?" You voiced out loud, shock obvious on your face. Seungmin did what? 

    "Yeah, you know tall, blonde and handsome?" She quoted, raising her hand a ridiculous amount above her head to indicate Eric's height. 

    "I know how Eric is! I told him what drink you like for god's shake!" You exclaimed, teeth grinding together. 

     She looked like the cat who got the milk as she thanked you for that. You blinked.

     "I don't understand. You and Seungmin went on so many dates" you mumbled. 

     She looked quite guilty this time "I already apologized to Seungmin about that. I was trying to...make Eric jealous" she admitted, her eyes focused, all of a sudden, on the coffee in her grasp.

     "The photography exhibition?" You asked, dazed.

     "Eric was managing a tent there" she whispered, head low.

    "The movies?" You insisted.

    "A girl from Computer Science had invited him! Gosh, how much I don't like her! She always made heart eyes at him!" She scoffed, sounding much like you when you cursed her in your head.

    You felt your jaw slagging, mouth open whole you stared at her. Really? Seungmin liked you? 

     She glanced at you, seeing how you were taking it all in. "He told me he thought that he liked me. When I asked him what did he meant by 'he thought', he explained the deal to me. He seemed so happy when he talked about you, content." She smiled at you, that knowing smile she had been sending lately. "When I asked him if he perhaps liked you, he blinked and nodded. He even apologized!" She giggled and you joined too. Socially awkward and adorable as always. "He cares about you. And I think you should talk to him, Y/N" she finished. 

    You nodded, still dazed from all the information. She saluted you silently and walked out the door.

    What Soojin said stayed with you. You weren't sure if she was being truthful or not, but you had already decided to contact him, you reasoned with yourself. At least that's what you told yourself as you send the message at 10 p.m. 

       You had fully expected to be left on read for days maybe even to beg him him for a small talk, so the immediate response, needless to say, surprised you. The answer left you at a total loss.

   You immediately tensed up. You hadn't expected him to rush here that late. But better now than never, you guessed. 

    Not even twenty minutes later, there was knocking on your front door. You took a deep breath and opened your door.

     And there he stood. He was panting, as if he sprinted here, his face was flushed and adorably nervous. His eyes ranked over you, taking you in the way you were doing to him right now.

You watched him for a moment too long, the weeks of not seeing him were catching up with you. He looked tired as well, he had bags under his eyes and his face was sucked in. Worry fleetingly took over you as you took a step in his direction, but the way his eyes were, so intensely, focused on you, not shying away, reminded you of your situation. Letting out a breath you took a step back, allowing him to enter your home. His eyes fell from your face momentarily as he took the step in, gently closing your door behind him.

       The two of you stood there, tense and not knowing where to begin. You had said everything that you had to say, so you stood there utterly defeated. Discarded in favor of Soojin by the very boy that stood in your living room. By the very first boy that was begging to win your heart. Or do you thought. If what Soojin had said to you was true...then why reject you? Tears threatened to make an appearance (as they often did those days) but you pushed them back and sucked your cheek. "How have you been? Did you do good on your exams?" You asked, a small smile on your lips as you gestured at your couch.

       He returned the awkward smile you sent him, taking a seat across you. "I am doing.. alright, I guess. I have done well in my exams. You?" He asked, pointing at you. 

         A bigger smile overtook your face. "We did it!" You exclaimed as you wanted to do since the morning that you learned the news.  "I mean, it was a little above average but... I passed nonetheless" you cheered. 

      He made a grimace "A little above average?" He asked, scrunching his nose.

      "What? Will you say you teached me better than that?" You inquired, lounging better in your spot, smiling all the way up to your ears.

     "Will you throw me out if I say that?" He asked, head cocking to the side. His tone was a mix of sassiness and uncertainty.

     You deserved that, you guessed. "No, I will not" you mumbled, not able to look into his eyes. 

    "Then, yes. I taught you better than that" he quoted, lightly giggling to easy up the tension. It brought a smile to your face, but you quickly sobered up.

     "Why are you here, Seungmin?" You asked, plain and simple, tired.

      The boy took a breath, shoulders squaring as if to ready himself "I am sorry" 

A slap. 

Right on your face. You swallowed your words and returned nothing, wanting to hear what he had come here to say. "I was an idiot. A moron. When you told me you..liked me, I hadn't thought about it. I mean..we ar-" he looked at the floor briefly as if willing himself to remember pointers he wrote, but he picked up when he left off shortly "We are close. We talk every day, we joke around, watch movies together. I had gotten used to you, you were an ally, a friend. I hadn't thought about you in..that light.." you turned your face away, facing the wall, a few stray tears escaping your eyes. He took notice of your state, quickly scooting over, closer to you, one hand on your arm, the other gripping feather light the place your neck and jaw connected. You raised your hands, a motion that meant to shoo him away, but he didn't budge. He stood there looking over you, worried and painfully tender. 

      "That was what I thought I felt. But Y/N, I don't face time my friends everyday for hours, I don't text them to remind them to study or eat, I don't have reminders to tell me to text them, I.. don't catch myself thinking they are pretty or wishing they were closer when we are watching movies..I don't dance with them and think they are beautiful and wish I could kiss them." he continued, voice quieter as he went on, the last part almost inaudible. If you weren't in front of him, almost locked in his arms, you wouldn't be able to hear him. 

But you could. 

And your heart was pumping so hard that you could hear it in your ears, your breath was short. You were hanging from his every word. What? What was he saying? 

"I didn't ran like a madman to find a pair of earrings for them. The exact copy of the earrings they were looking at the festival..I failed at that one, but I think cherry blossoms suit you better anyway" he breathed, a low laugh escaping him. How he could remember that was beyond you. Had he always paid that much attention to you? 

"I don't go mad when I don't talk to them for a few days" he whined, clearly embarrassed if the flush on his face and ears said something. "I don't beat myself up for hesitating to return their feelings" he finished. 

      That was a confession? "What then?What am I, Seungmin? What am I to you?" You challenged, looking him straight at the eyes. Yours reflected resolution and a fiery temper, his.. reflected guilt and affection, that much you could read, but also pain and hopefulness. 

    He took a shaky breath and dived in, sealing his lips over your own. You stood frozen for a moment, Seungmin overtaking all of your senses. All you could smell was his manly and wonderful cologne, all you could taste was the mint on his lips and an essence, so clearly him you couldn't explain otherwise. All you could feel were his soft hands clasping you affectionately, his plush lips on your, his eyelashes tickling you gently. All you saw, before closing your eyes, was fluffy hair and his beautiful face coming closer. You got lost in the moment, reciprocating the kiss before your mind could talk you out of it. You reached up, waving your hands into his soft hair, bringing him closer. Your mouth opened, inviting him in and pressed yourself complete onto him, wanting to fell him touch every inch of you. You kissed him fiercely, with a passion, he gladly returned. You felt him draping himself around you, holding you desperately and with a passion you hadn't expected to show to your person.

 All you now was that you were experiencing pure bliss. You didn't want it to end.

        You didn't know how much time you were kissing, tasting each other eagerly, having gotten lost at the feelings but eventually you had to part to get some air inside of you. You didn't exactly separate, he retreated just enough so he can rest his forehead against yours. You could feel his breath in your mouth, that was also covered in the taste of him. You opened your eyes to look at him, seeing him already gazing adoring at you. And then he spoke.

        'I like you" he stated confidently. Face flushed, lips even more kissable than before and eyes alit. "You never were just a friend in my mind. I just...I never have been in a serious relationship..I didn't know what I was supposed to be looking for. But when they asked me what I wanted and I started describing, I realized I was describing you, Y/N" he whispered, nusling closer to your face. The proximity was driving you crazy and his words was making it worse. It was all too much to take in at once. 

  "Soojin" you mumbled, the close distance between your faces allowing him to hear you. "What about her? You said you like her" you mewled, pained. The same guilty feeling resurfaced on his face again and his hands tightened around you. 

       "I am so so sorry" he nearly sniffled. As soon as you heard the little sniffle, alarms went off inside your head and you immediately drew closer, hiding your face on the crook of his neck, arms tenderly patting him for comfort. You felt him rest his head on top of yours and nussle his face in your hair. "I thought I did. I hadn't thought about the chance that you.. I didn't know what I was feeling and God-" he took a big breath and started again "I thought I liked her, but when you confessed, don't get me wrong I was super surprised but I couldn't get you out of my mind, so I told her. And it ended up being alright because she-" 

     "Likes Eric. I know" you completed. 

     "How?" He asked.  

You crewed your neck back in order to see him better and gave him a small smile. "She came over at work. She spilled everything. And for the matter, I think they look cute together." 

   "Hey! Are you calling me ugly?!" He protested lightly, hands tickling you and making you let out loud giggles.

     "Stop!" You shrieked, burrowing yourself deeper in his arms. He did and hugged you tighter in return. "I think you look cuter with me" you cheekily murmured squished against his neck.

   He laughed briefly and slowly he unwinded himself from around you. You immediately missed his warmth.

      "I am so sorry for all of this" he got out, guiltily. "I have made a mistake. A stupid one. And ..and if you take me back I promise not to make the same ones again. I promise to listen to you and try to express myself more...I.."he trailed off, unsure what else to promise you. You quietly giggled to yourself. 

You liked him too much to hold it over him. You liked him too much for you own good.

 So you smiled and wrapped your arms around his neck again. He immediately cradled you near, not missing the chance to hold you. 

      "You promise to never make the same mistake again? And talk to me instead of mumbling nonsense?" You inquired, your hands reaching up to cradle his face gently. He closed his eyes for a moment in tot bliss, before snapping them open and nodding.

      "I promise" he stated. 

       "And you must promise to do what I ask of you" you pouted, dragging the words out, now in a playful mood. 

       But he eagerly nodded his head, taking your every request without complains. "I promise"

       "Even when I ask you to go photoshooting with me?" You wondered, eyes scanning him. But he easily let out a giggle, nodded before ducking to kiss your nose, setting off butterflies in your stomach. You pressed your lips together in order to seal a smile before continuing. 

     "Even when I ask you to watch boring dramas with me?" You asked, eyebrows raising, remembering his distain in your pickings. 

        "Mmhhmm"he let out easily, as his eyes swept over you with literal stars sprawled over them. 

     "Even when the Wyverns are on and you wanna see them?" You mischievously asked, beaming up at him. He chuckled, drawing you closer than ever, not an inch separating your bodies. 

       "Even then" he agreed, content with you in his arms. 

        "You got yourself a deal then" you said, cheekily, peaking up at him. He opened his eyes at the sound of that, meeting your gaze, full of intent and tenderness. Now affection and playfulness twirled in his own eyes, so much in contrast with the cold boy that you had met all those months ago.

        "Deal" he said, reaching down to seal this deal with a press of our lips.

Bout to lose my mind over this absolute maniac 😫

serial killer!Kim Seungmin/afab reader

WC: 12.7k

RATING: mature/explicit/mdni—contains: sex, oral sex, brief suicide mention, strangulation, manipulation, death/murder

SYNOPSIS: you walk into Seungmin’s life, and disrupt everything

COMMENTS: yes, I changed my name! Formerly seungmoonandstars

˗ˋˏ♡ Thank you for the comments and likes and reblogs on part one. It means so much. This story, as it is right now (we still have a long way to go), has taken a lot of time, and it's really nice to feel that the time and energy I put into it is appreciated. Please consider reblogging/tagging if you like what you read! ˎˊ˗

And a very big thank you to @thackery-blinks for putting up with me and letting me bounce ideas off of her brain ♡

INTRO

PART ONE

Seungmin’s world goes quiet, calm…but it's only been a few hours, and he hasn’t yet left the cold emptiness of his bed. He hasn’t even attempted to crawl out of the hollow feeling he created for himself. The silence of the apartment feels different this time.

Inside of his head is a different story—you’ve upended him in more ways than one, and it may take a while to get himself back on two steady feet.

Nearly dying in his bed, coming back, being held, four hours, against your will…two out of three are new for him. And the sheer terror when he realized what he did, looking at your lifeless body—he hasn’t felt fear like that since he was a kid. There was no sense of relief, and there was certainly no quiet afterward. Right now, like last night, his mind is screaming at him, just not in the usual sense; he can’t figure out what you’ve done, because you’ve done nothing—you kept yourself at a distance, you enticed him (teased might be too unkind a word for you, he decides), and you didn’t deserve what little death you did have in his bed. Somehow, you’ve made yourself as much of a mystery as he’s tried to make himself, but he’s not as much of a mystery anymore...he gave too much of himself, and now he's going to pay for it.

You left your phone behind when you ran from him, not surprisingly, and later that afternoon, he somehow found the energy to leave the apartment. He walked to your building and left it with a note right outside your door. Whether or not you’re still there is unknown to him, but he wouldn’t be surprised if you were gone already—completely gone, on your way home, never to be seen by him again.

Seungmin knows the voice in charge will be returning soon, and he’ll fail if he doesn’t find some focus. He’ll really, truly fuck things up, and as much as he doesn’t want to blame you, it is you. He can’t think about you anymore; not today, not tonight.

/ / /

Showered and wrapped up tight in a blanket, you sit at your desk and stare at a blank computer screen. The email you started and stopped four times is sitting at a whole ten words, because you know you need to quit—you have to back out of this job and get back home. There’s no question about that. Nobody will believe what happened to you last night, so calling the police seems silly, and telling anyone else about it feels impossible right now. There is no proof of anything except that you went home with him, willingly. And you definitely can’t tell anyone you died, or at least stopped breathing, and came back during rough sex, because it’s stupid. It’s not believable. You’re still not entirely sure if it even happened. All you really know for certain is that you were outside yourself before finally taking that breath and seeing his face. You heard voices, but not his. You were in the dark, except for a few pinpricks of light. You felt your lungs fill up, once…twice…three times. And then you were back. You guess that’s what drowning feels like; the burning in your chest, the weightlessness, your brain misfiring and sending all the wrong signals to your eyes and ears and nerves.

It isn’t until later, after shutting your brain off and staring at the tv for hours, that you finally remember that you need to eat. You discover your phone right outside your door (should you be worried that he knows exactly where you live?). You knew that you left it on his bar, but you had no desire to try and retrieve it. It felt, and it still feels, like the least important thing in the world, but you’re relieved to have it back. Seungmin left a note taped to it, and you feel a little twinge of excitement (which you’re still trying to chalk up as leftover adrenaline...a little bit of curiosity) at what he could possibly have to say. That’s easy now, in the relative safety of your own apartment, so as soon as you can sit down with your dinner and a very strong drink, you rip it open and read.

You don’t get very far before something small and purple slips out onto your lap. It looks like a pressed flower. It is, and you know it’s heliotrope because it’s everywhere around your mother’s garden. The unmistakable fragrance is still a little obvious, even in its dried state. The addition might seem corny, but you don’t hate it—it’s an interesting choice of flower on his part. There are more inside the folded paper, and you let them fall onto you as you read…

Thank you for not throwing this in the trash.

I know I won't get to see you again, and typically, I wouldn't care or think much about my passing moments with strangers. Everyone is forgettable, and I can't figure out why you are not. I'm still very confused as I write out this letter. But I don't think I've been very forgettable for you, either, but I ruined that last night.

He’s cocky, and he knows he’s absolutely right about him not being forgettable.

You don’t have to see me again, but maybe we can talk, and I can explain myself a little better. You saw a piece of me that you shouldn’t have, in my bedroom…in my drawer, and I know it seems impossible to explain, and that’s because it is. But if you’ll let me, I’ll try.

The letter is signed with a cute, loopy S.

The dried flowers are scooped up and placed next to your untouched plate. Eating, you decide, should come first. After that, you can dwell unnecessarily on the words of your would-be killer. What else could you possibly do? You know how your brain works, and you know how you are when you're alone, and lonely.

However, you do read back through the few texts you exchanged. You also check yourself in the mirror—there’s a bruise beginning to bloom on your shoulder, and two scratches next to your mouth where he held. The soreness in your thighs brings the memory of him to the front of your mind, over and over, and it works backwards from there—Seungmin holding you, touching you; the look in his eyes from the other side of the bar. There was nothing outwardly threatening about him, just strange. Strange, quiet, a little bit awkward. How easily could your mind gloss over something much weirder when a man that beautiful gives you that kind of undivided attention?

Now your mind goes forward to his touch; his hand caressing your aching chest, his soft voice, like if he's not careful, his words might finish killing you. He spoke far too gently, and he kissed much too deeply and eagerly for you to forget. And you haven't exactly forgotten that he never hurt you, at least not after your little journey. Maybe he messed up his original plan, and then had to do damage control...but that makes no sense. Seungmin could've finished the job easily, anytime he wanted to. If he wanted to suffocate you, he'd have done it. If Seungmin wanted to kill you, you wouldn't be here right now.

More memories return to you, very slowly. Slow down? I’m hurting you? He was attentive during sex, initially, even if he was rough...so what happened? He did slow down, tried to make you more comfortable, and he succeeded. You begged him not to stop. You were loud. Seungmin was right there when you woke up, holding onto you. Stay awake...I'm sorry. The frazzled girl looking back at you in the mirror is almost unrecognizable right now. You can't get his face out of your mind; his voice, his kiss, his big black eyes that could swallow you whole. Please don't cry.

Was he convincing enough for a text? Should you call him? Are you really this fucked up right now? You know you're being stupid and irrational, so you decide to be a little bit smart and sleep on it; wait and see how you feel in the morning.

It doesn't help much. You dream about him; his eyes staring into you, through you, eating away at you again...just like when he had you beneath him. You reach out and sweep the hair from of his eyes, and your fingertips pick up the cold, clammy sweat from his forehead. He speaks, but you don't understand a word he says. He holds a dirt-streaked hand out to you, and with no hesitation, you take it, and then you're back in the warm, wet darkness. No voices this time, just muddy, squishy footfalls getting closer and closer.

When you wake, you're damp with sweat, and you've never felt so cold.

It's risky, but he forgoes the tea tonight, and his little white anxiety pill as well. He's almost out anyway, so he should try and save them until he can get more. It's a mistake, and he suspected that as he finally drifted off; there's been far too much on his mind in the last 24 hours to expect a dreamless sleep...

"appa?"

he hushes him. seungmin can feel a hand close softly around his mouth.

"where is—"

"quiet...get back inside, now"

he trips and falls as he runs, and his knee lands in the muddy ground. the effort it takes to get back up is too much, but a hand grabs the straps of his overalls and pulls...and then pushes, and he's in the mud again. rain starts to fall before he can make it to the porch, but as soon as he reaches the steps...

Out of breath, burning chest. The face of his father, and the wet hand covering his mouth, is still there. He can still feel it. The first thing he does is reach for a pill.

But as soon as he swallows it, his mind wanders back to you. Are you still in Seoul? You've had plenty of time to book a flight, repack, and leave. Seungmin wonders if you ever opened your door and found the note, if you even bothered to read it if you did, if you got the dried flowers he took from his music box just for you—the flowers he'll have to return home to get more of. A stupid addition, you probably thought. A desperate attempt at romance.

The phone buzzes under his pillow, and he knows it’s just his usual alarms and reminders. Today he has to get up, get dressed, and work. He has to get his mind back on track—he has to, there is no other way for him. There is nothing else, aside from prison, or ending things on his own. He pulls it out and looks at it with one eye open, flips on his back, and stares. Part of him hoped it would be more than his alarms, and he'd be staring at a new text message from you...an apathetic "okay, I guess we can talk". Seungmin is severely underestimating how much he scared you, though. You were convinced, and you're probably still pretty sure you were going to die in that room. Whether or not he's going to pursue this further is still a big question mark, but he doesn't usually deal in question marks. Everything is either black or white for Seungmin.

If he can't have you, he might just have to kill you.

/ / /

Repacking your things as fast as possible; booking a flight you can afford (work refused to comp you, once you quit with no notice); explaining, or making up a convincing enough story for you mother and sister about the change of plans, has been exhausting, so falling asleep is easy once your head hits the pillow.

seungmin's hand lays softly on your chest, just under your throat. you can feel your slow heartbeat bouncing off of him, you can smell the sweet scent of his room, but that's not where you are. you look up, and then around you...and you see the bedroom of a child, a little boy. there's sunlight coming in through the sheer curtained window, and you can see bushes of yellow and purple flowers poking up into view. he moves closer to you, and speaks quietly...

"i have to go...i have to go take care of things"

"what things?

"you know"

"don't go, please"

you look to him, and he forces a smile. his hand slides up and closes around your throat, but he doesn't squeeze. he moves closer and places a kiss beneath your ear...

This time you wake up slowly, and comfortably. Your hand jumps up to your throat as you work hard to remember every detail, every touch, every word. The dreams you have aren't usually this vivid, and now you've had them two nights in a row—two very different ones; a bad one...well, it could have been worse. You still remember how he looked at you, and the feeling of him under your fingertips; but it was cold and dark. This second one practically gave you butterflies. This dream version of you was in love.

Why is your mind torturing you like this? You come dangerously close to texting him, but all you end up doing is rereading the messages already sent between you.

Seungmin sits and watches right across the street from your building, for hours. He didn't know he had this much patience in him. If he would have done this yesterday morning, he may have had a chance to catch you and follow, but he decided to stay in bed. Still, he has trouble moving.

A few minutes later, it finally pays off. There you are, looking up and down the busy narrow street, arms folded tight over your chest. Seungmin isn't that far from you in this bakery, and if he walks out now, you'll see him, so he waits until you decide what to do. Seeing you right now is actually giving him a nervous stomach, and he hates it...you look uncomfortable, and tired, and sweet; it's difficult keeping his mind where it needs to be. It doesn't help that he hasn't thought of a plan beyond waiting for you to leave your apartment. Should he just follow you, and hope you don't see him and run? That won't work. If he can figure out where you're heading, he can get there first, and run into you like it was just a coincidence.

Before he can finish his plan, you're headed east, and you're walking fast. He just decides to follow as discreetly as possible, which is easy at this time of day, and it only takes ten or so minutes for him to figure out where you might be going. But there's no possible way you're going to his apartment building. You pass by the GS25 where you met each other, and keep going, but you don't make the left turn that would lead to his building. You keep straight, and eventually, Seungmin does figure it out. It's the park he mentioned frequenting, that's where you're going. This is perfect. Even if you're not here to look for him, you're going to find him, but that has to be why you're here. Texting or calling might have felt like too much. Accidently running into him...well, it was an accident. Maybe you won't feel like you're seeking out the man who almost killed you, or purposely bringing him back into your life.

You find an empty bench and sit, look at your phone, look up and around, back to your phone. Still uncomfortable, nervous, tired. Cold, maybe. You didn't dress as warmly as you probably should have. Seungmin tests his patience some more and waits, but you don't move. In fact, you're starting to remind him of himself, sitting and watching, waiting for his next kill. He takes his eyes off of you for a few minutes to get a coffee, and then he prepares to approach. But he's nervous again. He's not used to this feeling. He takes his time walking down the pathway, and when he knows you can see his legs in your downward gaze, he stops.

You look up and keep your face as emotionless as possible, but it's not enough. Seungmin can see your surprise, a little bit of fear, and maybe something else.

"Hi." He keeps his face as neutral as possible, too. "You look cold."

"I'm fine"

"What are you doing here all by yourself?"

"Uhm, I don't have any friends. And isn't this what you do? Sit here alone waiting to pick people off?" You cross your arms over your chest again, and scoot a little further away. "I mean...I'm assuming that's why you come here, if I put the pieces together properly."

"Yes, you're pretty perceptive. But why are you here?"

"Because I couldn't hit send"

"What couldn't you send?" He was right.

Seungmin hears you take in a deep breath and hold it, then slowly let it out in a big cloud of condensation. "I keep having dreams about you."

But he wasn't expecting that.

"Good ones I hope." So you haven't left his mind at all, even in your sleep. You don't reply. "I've been having the same old nightmares. A dream about you would be a nice change."

"One was pretty nice, yeah"

"Is it alright if I sit next to you?"

You nod, but Seungmin still takes his time taking those last few steps and sitting. Once he does, he offers you the hot coffee he's been holding onto, and to his surprise, you take it and sip it carefully. The letter he wrote promised some sort of explanation for what happened that night, and for the things you saw, but he wasn't expecting to have a chance at doing that. He hasn't thought of a single way to explain his drawer, or almost killing you.

“What’s in the syringes, the ones in your murder drawer?”

Murder drawer. Are you reading his mind, or is he just projecting onto you? He looks around, but nobody is close enough to hear the conversation. “A sedative, a light one…for emergencies. That's all.”

“You didn’t use one on me”

“Well, I had…” he stops, and thinks. What he almost says is I had control of the situation, but that doesn’t sound like what you want to hear. It’s also a very obvious lie. “The drug is not fun to come out of, and…what I put you through was bad enough.”

“So who do you use them on? And the knife?”

Seungmin doesn’t know how to answer this. He can’t explain how he picks his victims, because he doesn’t always understand his reasoning. “The ones I can’t control any other way. And I don’t use the knife very often.”

“It’s kind of obvious now that I’m talking to you, but thinking about it yesterday, and the night before…wondering if I was just over-reacting...”

“You’re not, you know what you saw, and you had every reason to be afraid of me”

“So you are…” you can’t finish the question. "This is what you do?"

“Yes”

“Why?”

“It’s hard to explain”

“Why didn’t you kill me?

“I haven’t figured that out yet”

“But you would, if you got another chance…if you had me alone right now, with no witnesses”

“No.” You look around, and Seungmin thinks you’re a little more relaxed now—as relaxed as someone could be in this situation. “I don’t think so.”

“You wanted to before, though. That’s why you spoke to me, and helped me get home.”

“Yeah, that was my original plan”

“I’m assuming you’ve done this before”

“Killed? Yes. Accidentally killed someone and brought them back in a panic? That one is new for me.”

“When’s the last time you did it…killed someone?”

It feels like a regular conversation now, regardless of the subject. Most of the tension is gone from your voice, and you stopped fidgeting with the coffee cup. You still look cold, though.

“The day we met”

Everything goes silent after that. Even the people around you become strangely quiet, as if everyone decided to listen in. Seungmin can see your mind working behind your eyes, but you’re not rushing to speak again. He slides out of his jacket and sets it over your shoulders, and you leave it there.

“Before, or after?”

“After”

“To make up for me?” You fold your legs up onto the bench and disappear into his jacket a little more, and Seungmin smirks.

“Sort of. That's why I was out that morning, things just didn’t go exactly as planned. I’m still glad you showed up, though.”

“Are you saying that because you think it’s what I wanna hear, or because it’s true? I don’t wanna turn you into a cliche, but are you capable of that much…well, liking someone enough to not kill them. I guess you are.”

“I like things. And I feel a lot, maybe too much sometimes.”

"Things?"

"Not people, typically"

"Sorry.” Why are you apologizing to him? Your assumption was a little bit hasty, and rude, but being a murderer is pretty rude, too. The look on his face is just that, though…full of emotion, full of sadness, and confusion. This is exactly how he looked at you that night before you both fell asleep, he just doesn’t know how to express it properly. Maybe he's just mimicking. “Uhm, did I actually die? What happened?”

“I’m not sure, but you weren’t breathing. I talked to you, slapped you…lightly, and panicked a little. After I panicked, I…” he sets his fingers on his lips, and tries to remember what it’s called in English. “…I blew air into your lungs.”

“Three times?”

Seungmin thinks for a second. “Yeah, three breaths…I kissed you after the third time.” Why did he tell you that?

“You kissed me? Why did you kiss me?”

You’re nothing but questions, and Seungmin is not used to getting interrogated like this. He wants to tell the truth, but he also needs to be careful and not scare you off, or be too truthful. It’s a little exhausting.

“I thought that might be my last chance while you were still warm.”

There’s another long silence. Too long. Maybe Seungmin said the wrong thing, even though it is the truth. He wonders if he should get up and leave you alone for a few minutes. But what if he comes back and you’re gone? Was the kiss that strange? Why is he assuming it was the kiss that’s making this awkward? Everything about this is strange for you.

“I think I felt your breath filling my lungs, but I was still somewhere else. Somewhere really dark, and wet. I could feel…outside air around me, it was so heavy."

“Completely dark, like the bedroom?”

“No, there was some light, like little streams of light coming in through holes punched into the walls, between the slats of wood. It was weird, and I remember it very vividly now that I’m talking about it.”

Seungmin doesn’t mention it feeling like his nightmares, but it does. And it can’t be, obviously. Just a coincidence. It was probably the darkness of his bedroom, and your eyes trying desperately to find something. “I’m sorry”

“Thank you for bringing me back”

“I’m glad I could. And I hope you don’t leave Seoul because of me.”

"There's nothing for me here." You quit your job, and you can't take that back. You booked a flight, and you packed up most of your things.

"When are you leaving?"

"Thursday"

“Do you have plans today?”

“Are asking me out?”

“You can tell me no, I won’t be surprised”

“No, I don’t have plans today"

“I just figured I’d take a shot while we were still here. I don’t expect a second chance. You really shouldn’t be involved with someone like me, and I shouldn’t be pulling someone into my fucked up life. But this is all new for me.”

“What is? A relationship? Friendship? An acquaintance?”

Seungmin nods, “all of those, and speaking openly—not lying about everything. That’s new, too.”

“Does that make me special?” You’re not sure if you’re being facetious, or if something inside of you wants to be the thing he needs to keep alive. A bad romance novel come to life. That’s why you’re here right now, obviously, because of every little gesture Seungmin has extended to you—everything aside from his complete loss of control. Being a murderer doesn’t mean he’s incapable of the truth, or sincerity. Right?

Seungmin smirks at the question, “Maybe.” He moves his hand closer to yours, but stops when you pull it away. "So why did you kiss me?"

Why did you kiss him? Because you needed to—because he's beautiful, and he was right there, sleepy face inches from yours. Because you've read too many bad romance novels. Because clearly, you're messed up, too, since you're even sitting here right now. And because, like him, you were sure it was your last chance. "I figured it made a good distraction."

"Oh...yeah, I guess it did"

"And I wanted to. I wanted to as soon as I saw you, but I forced myself to keep some distance. So maybe there was some fear of regret mixed with my fear of being murdered. How stupid is that?" You watch his mouth twitch as he tries to hold his smirk back. “I feel that a lot. Regret.”

“I don’t typically feel it...the regret, the remorse, and the empathy most people are used to. I guess that does make me a, uhm...what was that word?"

"Cliche?"

"Yeah. Sometimes I wish I could feel the regret, or a little bit of empathy. But lately, I think I have felt it a little."

“You feel regret? About what?”

"Fucking up what was very close to a good night. I didn’t even get to make you come."

Seungmin loves the blush slowly rising up your neck, and now, being out in public, he likes it even more. He meant it, the regret about not getting you off when he was eating you out, but it’s your blush, not the memory, that makes his cock twitch in his jeans.

“No, I guess you didn’t.” You close your palms over your warm cheeks for a moment, and stifle a laugh. He's actually making you laugh. Something about him really is messing you up.

"Let me make it up to you"

The dark blue of the room is calming. Everything is soft, and unusually warm. The smell is the same as you remember. It doesn’t feel strange being here again, like it should. Not uneasy, and not scary. Maybe there’s something wrong with you, too.

“Are you alright? I thought you left me.” Seungmin hangs onto the door jamb and clicks on another lamp. You can hear the relief in his voice.

/ / /

This new view of him is nice—on his knees, head down, lips marking your stocking covered thighs. He’s gentle, and probably nervous that he’s not being gentle enough. “Seungmin.”

He looks up, cheek still resting on your thighs, and you’re struck by how innocent he appears, how sweet and puppy-like his eyes are. You smile, and he gets back to work. His hands slide up and underneath your skirt, and down come the stockings, very slowly. Now he kisses your bare skin, and his warm, wet lips send a shiver through you. You can feel how soaked through your panties are as they pull away from your body. He seems to stop and admire them, just like last time, before tossing them to the side.

“Are you comfortable?” Seungmin pulls until you’re at the very edge of the cushion, sending the hem of your skirt up and out of his way. He doesn’t wait for an answer.

The entire ride back to his apartment, you were ready for him. The memory of last time, how good he felt, is still very real. It was excruciating, having him so close and not touching—keeping your cool, not letting him know just how badly you wanted him. But the elevator doors closed, and he backed you into the corner, held you softly by the neck, and kissed you. The entire ride up, 25 floors and luckily no interruptions, he kissed, pulling back occasionally to let you breathe.

You fall back against the couch, and let him know how good it feels to have him there. “Yes,” you sigh, whine his name, and he likes that. He gives a deep, satisfied groan as he sucks you between his lips, and he stays there, savoring the taste as it pours out. But he can’t keep himself from teasing, and he slows down when your moans become erratic, focuses on your entrance, spreads your lips apart and licks, a little selfishly. But it feels so good, and you taste so good. Seungmin can’t get enough, and as badly as he wants to make you come, he isn’t ready to stop yet. He needs as much as you can give, and has to hope you’ll stay with him and keep your legs open all night.

“Seungmin, please…I need it”

He looks up and runs his tongue slowly over every part of you before stopping at your clit—so sensitive, his warm breath is enough to set your hips in motion.

“I know,” he kisses, “I’m being greedy.” He kisses again, sucks hard, and his thumb slides gently over the rest of you, making your hips jump against his mouth. He does it again, gathering some arousal, and slowly circling your entrance before sliding it in.

You close your eyes and relax, let it wash over you. He doesn’t stop this time. It’s intense, slowly pulsing through every single nerve his lips are working on—“oh…god…fuck,” you roll your hips up, needing more, needing him. Every muscle relaxes, and you sink into the couch, but the waves of pleasure keep coming. You watch him work, softly flicking his tongue between your lips, so swollen and so hungry for him—his mouth, his hands. You need it again, his cock stretching you to your limit. Barely down from this high, and you can’t wait for the next one. After a few more slow, selfish licks, Seungmin gives his mouth a break, and breathes.

“Thank you,” you laugh, feeling a little delirious. The room spins above you, but you feel his hands push your knees together. This is definitely the first time you’ve thanked someone for making you come, but it seemed appropriate. “Is it my turn?” There are still memories from that night trickling in, and you get another when the question leaves your lips—the cocktail, and Seungmin’s comment that put everything in motion.

“Your turn?”

No, you don’t always go down easy…

“Oh,” smiling wide, eyes shining, dick threatening to escape his tight briefs as he rises. “But you don’t have to, if…” he looks down, then back at you, “if it’s uncomfortable.”

It’s intimidating to look at, but finally touching him, realizing how much of a handful he really is, “I don’t mind trying,” you pull the fabric until his head appears, and immediately close your mouth around his pre-cum soaked tip. “Or just…” you lick slowly, letting your tongue slide up and onto his stomach before going back to do it again.

“Take your time”

“Sit”

Seungmin listens, and frees himself a little more before hitting the couch. He knows what you want, and he watches as your mouth patiently explores him—you kiss and lick every inch as your hands stroke softly. You desperately want to make him feel good—return a little bit of what he just gave you. And Seungmin does let you know what he likes: everytime your tongue slides over his head, the deep moan from his chest soaks you again. “I want you.” Your heart races at the thought of it. It beats so hard you think you might pass out…again, this time on your own.

He rolls his hips and pushes himself in a little further, “I know you do, get down…on your back.”

You release him, a little reluctantly, but you let yourself fall backwards until you’re flat on the soft carpet. He follows, hovers, and eyes every inch of you before unzipping and discarding your skirt. “Are you alright?” The perceptiveness shouldn’t be that surprising to you, but the concern takes you back to that night. His voice feels far away, but it’s because of your heart pounding in your ears, you think. It’s not until now that you feel outside of yourself again. Why does he keep doing this to you? You’re weightless again, floating, watching everything happen in slow motion—slipping away.

“Hey, look at me,” he sets his palm just beneath your throat, but he quickly moves it down. “Can you hear me? Your heart feels like it’s about to explode.”

The sound of him pulling a blanket from the couch, and the feeling of it draping over your half naked body brings you back, just enough to open your eyes and find his worried face. “I can hear you.” A moment later, he’s gone. “Don’t go.”

“I’ll be back”

You sit up and look around, but vertigo hits and you shove your face into the blanket. The feeling of passing out is still threatening you, and it takes everything to keep it at bay.

“Here, drink some water. And if you’d like…” in his open palm is one tiny white pill, “but you don’t have to. They help with my panic attacks. And my nightmares.” Seungmin just stares softly, still worried.

“I’m okay.” An obvious lie—you’re still on the edge of a cliff, dizzy, and very much on the verge of throwing up. “Water is good.”

“You should lie down on the couch,” Seungmin doesn’t move, and he doesn’t touch you. Not yet. He assumes his touch is the reason why you’re fighting for your breath on his floor right now.

“Where’s your bathroom?”

“Right behind you”

/ / /

“Are you alright? I thought you left me.” Seungmin hangs onto the door jamb and clicks on another lamp. You can hear the relief in his voice, and you could hear the nervousness in it when he called out your name the first time.

“Yeah, I’m okay. Just wanted to see the room again.” But you did check the front door, and found it unlocked. He also didn't hover when you shut yourself in the bathroom for ten minutes, because you managed to sneak into his bedroom when you finally emerged. It put you a little more at ease after the panic attack.

“We can stay in here, if you want. I can bring our drinks in.”

“No, just you”

“Just me?” He takes a few steps toward the bed. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sorry, I don't know what happened.”

Seungmin stops just short of where you’re sitting, “I do.“ He looks nervous—he is nervous. “This is probably a bad idea."

“I should leave?”

“No, no, I want you to stay, but I'm aware that I set off your panic attack. That was my fault."

It seems like he’s more empathetic than he realizes. Or maybe he’s faking. He is a killer, after all; a psychopath—one that gets his way by being handsome and charming, and right now might not be any different than his other seductions. Maybe he’s taking the long way around to get you where he wants you, and you’re stupid and blind enough to fall for it. “We could just enjoy each other’s company.” It’s a silly suggestion, and you realize that as it’s coming out of your mouth. “For now. If that’s not too much.”

He smirks. “Enjoy each other’s company?" He isn't exactly sure what you mean, but he wants to find out.

“Stupid idea?”

"Depends on what you mean by it. I don't typically enjoy anyone's company. I hate it, actually."

You know he's not trying to be funny, but something about him is accidentally humerous, and you assume it's because you're here with him right now...because he wanted you here, keeping him company. "That doesn't seem completely true."

The look on his face speaks volumes. You can tell he feels a little bit exposed, and a little bit confused. Seungmin turns to hide, his arms fold over his chest, and he takes a few steps toward the balcony. "I like sex. I have to deal with someones company if I'm going to get it."

"Is that why I'm here? You need to finish properly?"

"No"

"No? You made me come, but you haven't, have you? Did you finish when I was passed out?"

Seungmin doesn't answer.

"You've been far too patient with me, and it's weird"

"Weird?" Now he turns back to you, "...isanghan?" And takes a step toward you again. “Considering what sex tends to do to me, and considering I like it so much, you should be grateful for my patience."

“What exactly does it do to you?” One more step. Now you can reach out and touch him if you want. You don't.

“Mm, that’s when I do it, usually…after sex. At least when things go to plan.”

“Are you trying to scare me off again?”

Seungmin’s face doesn't change. “No, just trying my hand at more honesty, I guess.”

“When is the last time you had sex without killing the person afterward? Aside from me.”

The silence as he thinks stretches out far too long, and he sits at the edge of the bed, keeping some distance between you, “I don’t remember.”

You rise from your spot, and Seungmin probably assumes you need more distance from him, but that’s not the case. “We don’t have to talk about it.” He watches as you round the bed, pull at his pile of covers, and climb in.

/ / /

Seungmin just stares, tucked tightly under the covers, for most of the evening. He only moves closer when you reach out and brush the hair away from his forehead, run your fingers through it. He seems to relax under your touch. This kind of interaction with another person is definitely unusual for him, and with the attitude he gave earlier, you're surprised he's still sharing the space with you. Sleep comes easily, though, and hours later, you wake up. It’s not quite morning yet, but you can see sunlight trying to break through the curtain. Seungmin’s breath bounces steadily off of your neck, warm and pleasant. His leg is pushed between your thighs, moving a little in his sleep, and his arms are pulled tight against him, almost as if he’s hugging himself. Keeping your hands to yourself is a challenge, and it’s made even more difficult when he stirs a little—a soft, sleepy groan escapes him, and when your fingertips slide across his cheek, he sighs deeply, and settles again. In his sleep, he looks a little different; his face looks younger and softer, his brow isn’t furrowed, like it seems to be almost constantly, and his lips form into a perfect heart shaped pout. The real him, maybe.

As soon as you close your eyes, you’re gone, but it feels like only moments pass when you hear his faint moans, and a string of slurred words. He’s flat on his back, chin up, head pushed hard into the pillow, and the look on his face is his usual worried one. Your graze your knuckles against his cheek, but he doesn’t feel it. Whatever has him in his sleep is holding tightly.

"Seungmin?”

no, I won't help you

His words are clear now, but in Korean, so you don’t know what he’s saying.

please look at me

A tear is squeezed from the corner of his eye, and it trickles slowly across his temple. You wipe at it, and this time his eyes open. He catches his breath before looking around and remembering where he is, and why he’s not alone bed.

You reach for him again, but he turns away and stares absently at the wall. “Nightmares?”

Seungmin is quiet, but he nods.

“You were sleeping well when I woke up earlier, I hope it was enough.”

He remains still, head down, hands clenching and unclenching as he thinks, or clears his mind, or maybe he’s putting his nightmare back together in his head. Maybe he needs one of his pills. Would it be strange to treat him the way he treated you…gently, like you might shatter at the smallest touch? “Can I get you anything?” You whisper.

Silent still, but he shakes his head.

“Should I go?”

This time he turns and looks at you with sharp, sad eyes—a look brimming with the unspoken emotions trapped inside of his head. And he isn’t sure how to answer. Yes, you should probably leave, is Seungmin’s first thought, because he knows where this is going; the noises in his head are slowly returning, and getting to this point was difficult enough when his mind was quiet. “It’s coming back.”

“What is?”

Aside from the noise, the voices…the itch that doesn’t stop until it’s done, Seungmin doesn’t know how to put it into words. He’s never had to put it into words, now that he’s thinking about it, because why would he ever tell anyone? This is all he’s ever known, and sometimes he still forgets that most people (you, he assumes) can make up their own minds, and follow their own train of thought every single day. He doesn’t have that option. “Nothing, never mind. I just…need to wake up, I think”

Going out of his way to get to you again, and to see you, was a stupid mistake. Seungmin thinks the only option is you leaving and saving yourself from him. Why did he disrupt his perfectly comfortable, routine existence? Comfortable might be stretching it, but whatever he managed to create was working. There is nowhere that you fit into this, and he knows that. He hasn't forgotten...black or white. You’re here now, yes, but you haven’t seen the worst of him—nowhere near it. If you leave now and go back home, you’ll be spared the real Seungmin, and a possibly death by his hands. He needs that, because he still doesn’t want to hurt you.

“I need to find someone, and I need to do things right this time.” Seungmin forces himself to look at you, “so I can have some peace for a while.”

“Oh, okay...I think I understand”

“I need to be alone”

“So I won’t see you again,” you’re up out of the bed, adjusting your clothes, and heading toward the door.

“That’s probably for the best. You should pack up and go home.”

“I will”

“I’m sorry I fucked everything up, but if you leave, you’ll be happier, and safer”

“Safer from you?” Once again, you’re stuck in this room, only this time, it’s your own fault. The door is wide open, but you can’t move.

“Maybe”

“So you lied to get me here. Why didn’t you just kill me when you had the chance? You had several…you still have one more, I’m right here.”

“I don’t want to kill you, I want you to leave and never have to look at me again”

The step back is easier now, but the empty feeling creeping up your stomach and chest is making you sick. Your heart is pounding wildly again, but you don’t know if it’s panic, or anger, or something else. It seems like only a few hours ago you were struggling with the idea of communicating with him, and now he’s pushing you out. “Good luck with your—“ you stop and look at him. He isn’t looking back, “your work.”

The blank face staring up at him; the dead eyes, and blue-tinted lips, feels like a reflection of himself. His fingers remain laced around her neck, tangled in the shoulder-length hair and delicate silver necklaces. It was too much—the force he used this time; the crack, and the crunch of her trachea as it collapsed under his hands was unusual for him. It felt good, though, and it was exactly what he needed. But now he's more exhausted than he can ever remember feeling. Seungmin is careful as he loosens his grip, because the necklaces cut right into his skin as he squeezed. The imprints of his hands are still there, red and angry, and a slow trickle of blood starts to drip from her nose.

There won't be any sleep tonight. He has to dispose of this body now, and he has to do it well, because his perfect handprints, and the DNA all over her jewelry won't do him any favors if she's found.

He looks down at her and sees you for the briefest moment. There is no resemblance, at all, and that he did on purpose. Still, you continue to invade his every thought.

Thursday arrived and passed quietly. No message. Expecting one more goodbye from you was a little bit stupid. Seungmin started things, fucked them up, started them again, and then ripped the rug from beneath you...any normal person wouldn't want to deal with his shit anymore, even if he wasn't what he is. You should truly want nothing to do with him, and you’re now out of his reach. You’re safe. You found his gray area.

"Maybe I should burn you," he says out loud. Also not his usual MO, but he's done it before. Not sticking to the same kill, same demographic, same dumping ground, is one of the reasons he hasn't been caught. At least that's what he assumes. "Or maybe I should just leave you in the hallway so they can find me."

Seungmiiin

He jumps, but he knows he's hearing things. That doesn't keep him from listening.

Minnie...please be careful, you know how clumsy you are sometimes

It's not really there, but he knows where it's coming from. If he follows it, it'll lead to the same spot it always does.

I love you so much, and I want you to be happy

"Stop it." Seungmin shakes his head, as if that will wake him up and quiet things again. "Stop, I know...I will be careful. I promise."

You're so clever, and talented, and full of love...nobody can take that from you, not even him

"Okay..." Seungmin flexes his sore hands, and carefully removes himself from the body. He'll burn everything on this bed, too, he decides. The sheets, the blankets, the bedspread...maybe the pillows. "Did you hear that, too?" He looks to Daengmo, sitting perfectly on the bedside table, watchful as ever. "I know you did."

/ / /

Fourteen hours; that's how long he sleeps. When he wakes up, he has no idea where he is, or what day it is. He hardly remembers what happened in the last 24 hours, or that he spent longer than he ever has disposing of a body. Seungmin is in pain, though—his hands, his shoulders, back...hips. The moment he flips onto his back and stares up at the ceiling, he starts to recall what he did, and why he's so sore, but he immediately starts to doze again. Fourteen hours wasn't enough.

He forces his eyes back open and picks up his phone; almost 9:30. "Did you really leave?" He says, and pulls up Thursday's flights from Seoul back to North America. Seungmin has no idea where you're from, or where you were headed, but he looks anyway.

"Air Canada...to Toronto, cancelled. Korean Air, to New York, arrived on time, to Chicago...delayed four hours.”

Why is he dwelling on this? His mind is finally clear for nothing but his own thoughts, and his own thoughts go right to you.

That’s a stupid idea, he thinks, and looks around, "isn’t it?" His eyes fall to his stuffed dog, still sitting quietly on the table. "Is it? She’s either there, or she’s not." Eyes back to the ceiling, "you liked her, didn’t you?"

The streets are still busy and loud, even at this hour, in this cold, but Seungmin feels good. Black coffee and a few painkillers perked him up, and the sharpness of his mind is doing wonders for his mood. It wasn’t until he finally crawled out of bed that it hit him; the last few weeks have actually been a nightmare, mentally. It was the worst rut he’s been in for a long time. He hasn’t quite been himself.

But he’s out of it now, finally. For a while.

He stands in front of your apartment building, and waits. It takes a few minutes before the crowd dwindles enough, but as soon as it does, he goes for the door, and it’s open. No buzz-in needed. Three floors up, he remembers (but there are only four floors anyway), three doors down, on the right. The hallway is deserted, and so quiet that it actually unnerves him a little—it almost makes him turn around. Seungmin stands there, and waits, listens. Still quiet. Your apartment isn’t your apartment anymore, he knows that, but he rings the doorbell anyway. He can hear it echo through your deserted living room.

Nothing. Seungmin knew you were gone. He digs in his coat pocket and pulls out the lock picking set he wasn’t sure he would even need, and he still doesn’t know why he’s using it. Maybe you left something behind. He works on the deadbolt for a few seconds, but even taking his time, and working quietly, he hears the click. The doorknob is next, and that one is even easier. Inside, the scent of your perfume, or shampoo…whatever it was, still lingers—a sweet, deep floral scent Seungmin can’t quite place. He shuts the door behind him, and breaths deep. It’s empty inside, and dark. No boxes, or clothes; just the couch, the armchair, the coffee maker. All the things that were here before you. Still, he walks around and looks, doing his best to keep quiet, and doing his best to adjust to the dark. His eyes don’t do well with no light, even with his glasses.

A creak stops him in his tracks and puts him on edge…gets his heart pumping, and he stays there frozen, ears perked. He likes this type of adrenaline rush.

“Seungm—“

It’s only a whisper, but he knows it’s behind him. The faint outline is human, but that’s all he can make out. As soon as his hand finds something to grab, it grabs, and pushes, hard, and their back finds the wall. The sound is so loud in the silence, and the neck he’s gripping is so small and soft…

“Ss…stop”

His eyes adjust, and he can see more clearly as he stares into your terrified face. They drop to his hand still wrapped tight around your neck. Seungmin’s body goes numb.

“It’s me, please”

“Fuck…I’m—” his grip finally relaxes and frees you, but he grabs your arms as your knees give out, “I thought you left,” he whispers to himself, and holds you up. “You’re still here.”

“Yeah, I’m here”

"Are you okay?”

“Let go,” you push him away, and finish falling to your knees. “Don’t touch me.” A panic attack is forcing its way in, and you can’t get enough air. This can’t be happening again—this shitty astral projection. Every time he’s around you, something bad happens. Why didn't you just stay at the airport?

Seungmin’s hand runs slowly across your back, “you scared me."

“Why are you here?” You shake his hand away from you again, but he doesn't take it off.

“I could ask you the same thing. I rang the doorbell before I broke in.”

“I figured it was a drunk neighbor”

“Look at me, let me see your neck”

You lift your head for him, but he doesn’t look at your neck. One hand cups your cheek, and the other moves the loose hair from your eyes. He looks at you, stares so hard it makes your stomach hurt, but you can't look away. "You didn't leave."

"No"

"Why didn't you leave?"

"My flight got cancelled, three times. I got tired and begged my landlord for a few more days." It's catching up to you; the exhaustion, and the stress, and you start to feel tears brimming. You really don't want to cry right now, though. Your brain always chooses the worst times to do it. "They lost my luggage, or someone stole it, I don't know...I don't have anything."

"Nothing?"

"Just what I have in my bag"

Something he can fix, that's the only thing running through his mind now. Seungmin is useless, and he knows that—the world wouldn’t change at all if he was suddenly gone. He takes and takes, and he never gives. He doesn’t fix things.

“Why are you here, Seungmin?”

Why is he here? He thinks you probably know why he’s here, because you’ve proven yourself to be very perceptive. But you’re also upset. You’ve been here with nothing, Seungmin assumes, since at least Thursday; two nights, three if you count tonight.

“I, uhm,” he can answer two different ways, or he can lie. “I thought you might have left something behind, so I didn’t think it would hurt to check.”

“Left something behind…like what?”

Maybe a letter, like he wrote for you. An article of clothing, or a piece of jewelry. Something tangible he could hold onto. “I needed to know if you really left”

“Keep telling me the truth”

Seungmin’s heart thumps in his chest, and in his head, “okay.”

“Do you want me leave?”

“No”

“Why?”

“I don’t know…” he watches as you stand and head toward the bedroom, “wait, wait.”

“I’m tired”

“Come back with me”

Finally, he gets it out. His heart still thumps, and it shakes his whole body, but he did it, he spit the words out. He isn’t ready for the let down.

“You sent me away, didn’t want me to look at you again.” He stares blankly, avoiding you completely. “You told me I’d be safer away from you.”

“And it might still be true.” Seungmin shakes his head, like he’s trying to clear more voices out of it. "But..."

“Okay”

/ / /

The only possession you have left, your backpack—not even completely full, hangs on Seungmin’s shoulder as he works on his locks. Four of them, two different keys, plus one digital lock; you’d think he had something to hide in here. “Sorry, this one always sticks.” He gives you a half smile. His demeanor changed drastically after your okay.

“It’s alright”

“You can shower, if you’d like. Are you hungry?”

Yes, you’re starving. You still have money, but you were preparing for a hotel bill come tomorrow morning. Canceling is an option now, you suppose, but you’re hesitant to do it. “I am.”

“What are you in the mood for? Unless you’d rather sleep first, maybe you’re more tired than hungry. A bath might be nice, though. Maybe—”

“How about I shower while you…make something, or order it?”

“I can cook”

/ / /

The last time you used this bathroom, you were mid-panic attack. Now you’re comfortable in the tub Seungmin insisted you soak in, and you’re very glad he did. You watched him pick out his favorite bath salts so you could try them—he filled the tub, poured them in, and made sure you approved before leaving you…”take your time.” He gave you his full smile this time, but it was a little hesitant.

This is the most relaxed you’ve been in weeks, and you hate thinking it now, but Seungmin has given you nothing but terror, anxiety, anger, and overwhelming emptiness. It’s been a struggle finding anything positive in your short time in Korea, and it’s because of him. Leaving was supposed to fix this, but you couldn’t do it. A cancelled flight was nothing, but a second cancelled flight felt like a sign. After the third one, you gave up on rebooking, but you had no clue what your plan was from there.

Ten minutes into your bath, he knocks softly before cracking the door, “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to make anything too spicy unless I asked”

“No spice”

The door closes softly, and you can’t hold back a stupid grin. He’s out of his element right now, again, and you wonder if he’s ever cooked for anyone before; a date, if that’s what you can still call yourself; a friend, an acquaintance. No, you know he hasn't; Seungmin doesn't like company. You’re messing him up, just like he’s messing you up.

/ / /

Seungmin can cook, he’s just not very good at it. He’s hoping you’re hungry enough not to care. Focusing on the food in front of him is difficult, though, when your half-unzipped backpack is right there on the couch. There isn’t much in it, but there is something in there; your most important things, probably—the only things you felt the need to keep with you for the long trip home. He can’t help it, he has to look. It’s not even close to the worst he’s done to you already.

A phone charger, earbuds, a jewelry case. Seungmin opens that, but there’s not much inside: two small silver rings, a necklace with a medallion hanging from it. He recognizes it right away, because his mother had the same one in her jewelry box; St. Michael, vanquishing the devil.

He digs a little further. A pill case, a sweatshirt…he pushes that aside and wraps his fingers around a tightly folded piece of paper, and he recognizes it as soon as he pulls it out. He barely unfolds it before a familiar dried flower slips out and onto the floor, and then another.

“Be careful with those”

Seungmin jumps, but doesn’t drop anymore, “sorry,” and he bends to pick them up.

“So you’re a murderer, and a snoop”

“Snoop? Like the little dog?”

“Yeah, like the beagle. Did you find anything good?”

“I thought you would’ve thrown this away.” He gently opens one side and slides the flowers back inside. “I mean, I’m not usually this—”

“Nosy?”

“I was going to say rude”

“Nowhere near the worst thing you’ve done, it’s okay”

Right. Not even close. “Oh, let me get you something to wear,” he says, but he takes an extra few moments to scan over every part of you, tightly wrapped in his towel. “A shirt, and maybe something else of mine will fit.”

You follow him into the bedroom, and his curtain is pulled back as far as it goes. The view is nicer now than it was when you stood there during the day, and much nicer than it was when you ran out in a panic, looking for an exit. Seungmin is on his knees, rifling through the bottom dresser drawer, and he’s a nicer view, too. You still think you should hate him, and you do, a little bit, but the longer you’re near him, the easier it becomes.

“Here, try this,” he holds up a black t-shirt, a little faded, and definitely big, even for him. “It’s comfortable.”

“Did you dye your hair?” The way the light hits it in here, it looks darker.

He hands you the shirt, and watches carefully as you pull it over your head. “I did, it just didn’t take very well.” The towel doesn’t shake loose until the hem falls below your hips, and he's a little disappointed. Still, he looks for whatever shape he can find under all the fabric. His eyes move down your legs, and back up slowly, stopping when he gets to your thighs.

“The glasses suit you, I like them”

“You do?” He lights up a little at the compliment, and smiles when you nod. “My shirt suits you.”

Seungmin hopes, he really hopes…he’s not sure where you’re at right now, as far as trusting him, and feeling comfortable…but he hopes you won’t take a step back when he takes one toward you, or when he reaches his hand out to touch your shirt sleeve. And then, very cautiously, your arm. Goosebumps jump up on your skin when he runs his thumb down to your elbow, but you don’t shy away. “You’re hungry…we should eat.”

“We should,” you move forward, and pull him down until you can almost reach his lips. “What did you make?”

Are you teasing him on purpose? “Spam fried rice…and eggs. I'm sure I have something sweet, if you’re in the mood.”

“That sounds good, yeah.” He’s pulled a little closer, but your lips land on the apple of his warm cheek, “sex is supposed to be better after you eat.”

/ / /

“Did we enjoy each other’s company?” Seungmin smiles to himself as he pours you more tea.

“You certainly did, considering how wrapped up in me you were that morning”

His face drops a little, “I was?”

Wrapped up is a little exaggerated, but you do tell him exactly how you woke up to him, and he blushes. “I can be a little noisy in my sleep, sorry.”

“And I was on your side of the bed, so maybe you were just migrating back to it”

He laughs, and getting that out of him feels like an accomplishment you didn’t know you needed. This version of Seungmin looks, and feels, different than any other you’ve met, but there are bits and pieces of each one still hanging on. The worry still sits in his eyes, but it’s subtle—every time he looks into yours, you can hear him wondering when you’ll leave again. He’s still nervous, just a little on edge, as if whatever he’s doing is wrong, or just not completely correct. When he asked how the food was, you told him the truth; it was perfect, and exactly what you needed, but you also told him, jokingly, that his onion chopping needed some work. He seemed to take it to heart, so it took some convincing to get his mind off of it. And whatever feelings come back when it’s time—the thing that sits on his shoulder, always seems to be there in some small way. Maybe it’s just the memory of it.

But he’s different. Seungmin did what he needed to do to feel normal for a while, and you see it. He looks at you easily, with much less intensity, and laughs a little bit louder. This must be the real Seungmin.

“I’m much more comfortable here,” Seungmin sits and hands you a mug, “and warmer.” Because you asked him to turn up the heat, and he apologized several times for not doing it sooner. “Thank you for having me again. Don’t make me regret it.”

He tilts his head to the side, and raises his eyebrows. You think you see a smile trying to tug at his lips, but he keeps it to himself, “no, I don’t want to do that. But I have a question.”

“Go ahead”

“Do you think being on top would make you more comfortable?”

“On top?” You stare at him blankly for a few beats, sip your tea. “Oh, on top. Of you. Maybe.” You keep your face neutral. He looks a little dejected, but when your eyes wander down, you can see how fast he’s getting hard, and a wave of pleasure runs all the way through you. “Won’t hurt to try.”

That’s all he needs to hear. Seungmin goes right for your waist and pulls you to your feet, “if you need me to stop…” he waits for your nod before leading you back to the bedroom.

“You changed your bedspread, you changed everything…well, almost everything.” Seungmin sees your gaze land on Daengmo. “Tell me about him later?”

He nods, sits comfortably and unbuttons his jeans, unzips them carefully, and groans when he can get them away from his erection. His sweatshirt is next, and when he gets it over his head and tosses it aside, you’re half kneeling on the bed, hem of your tshirt clenched in your fist. Seungmin laughs, and then pats his bare thigh, “right here.”

You listen, and carefully straddle him. “Oh,” you jump when his dick, still confined to his briefs, rubs against your aching clit. “Don’t tease,” you reach down and pull at the fabric.

“Not tonight,” he finishes freeing himself and rubs his head over your wet, silky entrance. “No teasing.” The groan he makes comes out so deep, and so needy, “are you ready? You feel ready.”

Two fingers slide down and up, disappearing deep inside of you, and the pressure he gives makes you whine. His free hand gently squeezes your hip, holds you still—the other slides out, “mm, yeah…so wet for me.” Before he does anything else, he brings his fingers to his mouth and sucks them clean, “I’m all yours…” and lies back on the pillow.

You’re not sure you can get him in like this, but you take him in your hand and spread yourself open, slide your knees further and further apart so there’s nowhere else to go but in. The pressure is intense, but you know how wet you are, and how wet he’s still making you as you look at his calm, smirking face.

“Yeah, that’s good,” his hips jump, but he keeps himself under control. He wants you doing all the work right now. “A little more, I know you can take it all,” he moans when you stop and pull yourself up, and then slowly slide back down, “fuck.”

Back down, little by little, and the stretch hurts until you start to move up and down, gently, working your thighs to the point of burning. But you want to take him all. You’re still all here, no panic, no overwhelming memory of what happened before. Seungmin is so content just lying there watching you, and you want this now. All of it. You slow down and relax before setting both palms against his stomach. He flexes, and you feel every muscle hold you steady; you feel his hips twitch as you take another inch…and then another. And one more, all of him, stretching you to your limit.

“Good?”

“Good,” you roll your hips and stretch yourself even more, “so good.”

Seungmin wets his thumb on his tongue and finds your clit, teases it as you start to bounce again, “fuck,” his free hand slides over yours, “fuck, I might get there first…you feel so good,” he whines and moves faster, rubbing in tight little circles as you lose yourself and start to fuck him harder.

It hurts, in the best way—you can’t stop, and you can’t slow down until you come His heavy eyes and parted lips, tongue just barely poking out of the corner of his mouth…slowly licking across his teeth, is getting you there fast. His smile grows as you stare, and he moans again, just for you, “you feel so fucking good,” he whispers, and his exaggerated whine sends you over the edge. It starts building, fast, and you need to touch more of him. Your palm slides up to his chest, over his hard nipple, and back down his side. It tickles him, you can tell, but he doesn’t miss a beat rubbing your orgasm out of you.

You move faster, fuck him harder, and let the feeling overtake you. Seungmin keeps going, and his hips start moving now, thrusting up into you with enough force to knock the air out of your lungs, but it doesn’t phase you this time.

Seungmin is loud when he comes. The bed shakes, and your body screams at you. He grips you tight, fingernails digging deep into your hips. The mess of cum starts running down your thighs and onto him. When he finally slows down, it’s because he’s out of breath, but his hips continue to move, softly, in and out.

/ / /

It was fast, but you’re exhausted. Racing heart, burning hips, and mess working its way out between your legs—you lay yourself onto the pillow and look to him. He’s still flat on his back, hands splayed across him, fingers moving against his tight stomach. His mouth is slightly parted as he catches his breath, and his eyes are closed. You take a second and try to read his mind.

But you can’t figure it out. You can’t begin to guess…you only hope he’s having good thoughts.

“Hm?” Seungmin looks at you, eyes mostly open, “did you say my name?”

“No, just looking at you”

Again, his eyes close, and you hear a quiet, exasperated what? come from him.

“What’s wrong? Seungmin?”

His hands move to cover his face, and he keeps them there as he mumbles a little to himself. You catch a word here and there, but you can't make anything of it until he finally uncovers his mouth...

"You shouldn't be here...you shouldn't be here right now"

Not again. He can't be doing this to you again, not after the trouble he just went through getting you here. "What do you mean?" Your heart is still pounding from the sex, and now it's mixing with the sick feeling in your stomach. "Seungmin?"

"What?" He sounds irritated. He looks irritated.

"You want me to...no, you don't, do you?" You sit up and pull the blankets up to your chin. The slow, uncomfortable feeling of his cum dripping out of you is making this so much worse. "No, you can't." The last part you whisper, because you don't know if you want him to hear. Your throat tightens, and your eyes water, and you think you feel him staring, but when you check, he's not.

Seungmin's eyes are closed, and his jaw is clenched tight. "Please, just leave me alone right now."

It was stupid to expect him to just be okay, but he was okay. He was himself when he brought you back, and when he made you a bath. When he cooked for you. It also seemed stupid to expect yourself to be okay, but you were, and still are. Sort of. You decide to just stop talking, tuck yourself deep into the covers, and wait for whatever this is to pass. Leaving isn't really an option for you anymore. You don't want to leave.

/ / /

A hard kick straight to your shin wakes you from your sleep. You were in deep, dreaming like before, only this time Seungmin wasn’t there. The darkness, the cold wet ground, the sound of footsteps in the mud…that was all still there—loud, desperate cries from a child, barely audible, but that sound sticks with you even after waking up. It rings in your head as the spot just below your knee throbs in pain.

“Seungmin," a gentle shake of his shoulder brings him out of his sleep, and his face relaxes almost immediately when he realizes he’s in his bed. “You didn't wanna be in that dream anymore, did you?”

He takes a few deep breaths before sitting up and rubbing at his cheeks, “was I talking?” And then he moves his hands to just below his eyes, as if he's feeling for tears, “or—”

“No, you kicked me. And you looked very unhappy.”

“Kicked you?” Seungmin folds his legs up to his chest, and he looks like a kid. A very tired, very confused kid. “Hard?”

“Hard enough, but I’m fine”

“I’m sorry”

Reading him is difficult, maybe because you’re still tired. Last night feels like it couldn’t have happened—all of it; Seungmin coming to find you, bringing you home with him…what that came after. Everything feels like a fever dream you’ve been floating through, half awake. “No, it’s okay. I was in the middle of a dream, too. Being awake is better.”

“Were you comfortable, did you sleep well?" He’s looking at your legs as they move around under the blankets, “let me see.”

“I’m okay, I promise." He clearly doesn't remember.

Seungmin nods, but pulls at the blankets anyway. He keeps pulling and reaching until you finally give in and show him your leg. “Thank you,” he touches the red spot, and the slightly broken skin.

“Do you remember last night?” You ask, and he doesn’t move, but his gaze does. “After, I mean.”

Yes, he remembers laying next to you, and trying not to doze off too fast—still so tired after so much sleep. He lost that battle, though. “Yeah, I fell asleep. I should have stayed awake with you.”

“You don’t remember talking to me before that?”

He shakes his head, and sets his warm hand over the sore spot. If he doesn't remember it, then maybe it doesn't matter. "What did I say?"

You watch his face as you speak, "uhm, you told me I shouldn't be here. And you asked me to leave you alone."

There is no change in his face, so you suspect he isn't very surprised by what he said. His hand slides down your shin, to your ankle, and then back up...very slowly. It's gentle and sweet, but something about it is unnerving at the same time. That doesn't stop a chill from running up your body, and goosebumps to run up your arms. His warm hands feel good, and when he squeezes your thigh, you have to stifle a moan.

"Don't believe everything I say"

The softness of his voice, and another squeeze of his hand almost distracts you from what he tells you. "How do I know what to believe?" You pull yourself back a little, but Seungmin's grip on your thigh tightens. "How do I know when you're telling me the truth?"

"I didn't mean that last night"

"You sounded like you meant it"

"I didn't, I promise." He pulls you closer, "look at me." He waits until you do, but whatever he's trying to say hasn't come together in his head yet. Seungmin is feeling very overwhelmed, very suddenly, and he wants to scream. He wants to squeeze your thigh until his nails dig in deep enough to break the skin. "I don't know how to make you believe me."

"Please, let go"

He looks down at the hold he has on you, and it's too much, just not quite enough to make you bleed. His grip loosens, and the mark left behind is red and angry.

"I need to go clean up"

/ / /

The strong smell of coffee comes through the bathroom door, so you know he's up, and probably out there waiting. You check the marks on your thigh. It stings, and you can see the perfect crescent shaped indentations he left behind. It could be much worse—the cool washcloth takes away most of the pain. You rinse it under warm water and clean up the mess you should've taken care of last night; the mess you really shouldn't have made at all. But you try not to think about it. You try not to think about what he just outright told you about himself. And this hold he has on you—it's not the best idea, but you shove that down for now, too.

You crack the door and peek out, take in the smell of the coffee, and head for the kitchen. Sitting on the counter is a mug, already filled, two pieces of warm toast, and a jar of plum jam.

But Seungmin isn’t here.

Cold air hits you where you’re standing, and you follow it back to his bedroom—to the slowly moving curtains covering the sliding door of the balcony. The bed is empty and made, and there’s a fresh tshirt and pair of sweatpants sitting at the corner. You’ll have to assume they’re for you, and you're thankful for them. It's freezing in here again. You change before returning to the curtains, and very carefully, very quietly, pull them aside just enough to look out.

Seungmin is sitting cross-legged on the ground, hands neatly in his lap. He’s leaning a little, so his head is resting on the wall closest to him. You know he must be cold, because he’s only in the tshirt and shorts he wore to bed, and you also know he’s out there because he wants, or needs to be alone. So you leave him alone. You return to your coffee and the breakfast he made, and you wait.

serial killer!Kim Seungmin/afab reader

WC: 14.4k

RATING: mature/explicit/mdni—contains: angst, murder, blood, very brief m/m, bodily penance/self-harm, medication, sex, more blood

SYNOPSIS: you walk into Seungmin’s life, and disrupt everything (part 3/?)

thank you again to @thackery-blinks, and also this song

˗ˋˏ♡ please reblog/tag if you enjoy, and help my work reach a wider audience. thank you friends!

INTRO

PART ONE

PART TWO

After the second cup of coffee, you start to pay more attention to the time. It feels like an hour has passed, at least, but you can’t be sure, because you have no idea what time it was when the two of you woke up this morning. It’s even colder now, and the draft continues to blow in—that’s how you know he’s still out there. Doing what, though? Being alone, yes…meditating? Punishing himself?

You fill a third cup of coffee and decide to let fifteen more minutes pass before checking on him. You could just get up and go now, but it doesn't feel like your place to question his actions. This is really none of your business. Should you make it your business?

His back is straight, his head is down…you can see the steady puffs of condensation leave his nose. The blanket you pulled from the couch is rolled up under your arm when you push the curtain aside and walk out onto the balcony. It’s even colder than you imagined, now that the walls of his bedroom are gone.

How could he have been out here for so long? Seungmin isn’t made of much; he’s thin. Tall and broad, yes, but thin. And though his body has been warm and comfortable when you’ve been close to him, he can’t possibly keep that warmth in him right now. He doesn’t seem to hear you approach, or kneel at his side. You unfold the flannel blanket, the same one he gave you before, and carefully wrap it around his shoulders, up to his neck. Now he moves a little, and when you rub your hand over his back and shoulders, he opens his eyes and looks at you.

“Why are you out here?”

“Why are you?”

“Come back inside, please”

“Are you sure?” He grabs the blanket and pulls it around him.

“Yes, of course, I’m sure”

He nods, but he doesn’t move yet. Maybe he needs to find some energy first—there’s no way he has any left now. His legs look lifeless and pale, but they still work when he gets his feet flat on the ground. You follow him as he rises, hold his arm, and you’re surprised that he lets you guide him back inside.

He starts toward the door.

“No, you should get back into bed”

“I need some coffee.” His voice is so small, and weak.

“I’ll bring you some”

Seungmin stops, and stands there for a few seconds.

“Please”

When you return, he’s halfway under his covers with the blanket still wrapped around him.

“If you still want to be alone, I won’t stay in here”

“You can stay”

“Okay…” you climb onto the bed, find a spot in the middle, close to him, but not too close, and watch him as he quietly shivers. His cheeks and ears are red and chapped from the wind, and his usually pouty pink lips are pale and barely there against his colorless face. “Get all the way under the covers.” You reach a hand out to touch his neck, and he jumps.

“I’m sorry if I hurt you before”

“I’m fine, you didn’t hurt me”

“I didn’t?” He reaches out and lifts your shirt, and the marks look even more apparent. A few bruises are already starting to bloom where his fingers pressed. “I did.”

“Lie down, you’re still shivering.” His hand is like ice when you grab it, but he shakes free and sets it flat across the bruises. It feels so good, but you try not to make your content sigh too obvious. “Okay, okay…lie down.”

Seungmin listens this time, and you decide to take a chance and move closer. You still don’t know why he was out there, or why he was torturing himself, but maybe he’ll allow you to wrap an arm around him and pull him even closer. His body is so cold, you’re not sure you have enough heat in you to help, but you’re going to try. You’re not sure why, but you know he would do the same for you.

/ / /

Wrapped up…that’s really the only way to describe him this time. Seungmin’s long limbs are all over you, holding tightly. The look on his sleeping face, at least what you can see squeezed against him, is the most content you’ve ever seen it. He’s sleeping like a puppy curled up in a heated blanket. And that’s exactly how you feel—warm, damp with sweat. Too warm. Seungmin’s heat returned, and then some. His cheek feels like a radiator when you touch it.

“I’m so tired,” he mumbles, moves around a little, then settles again. “Why am I so tired?”

“Because you sat outside for hours and it’s -2 degrees”

His eyes pop open like he’s wondering why someone is in his bed, answering him. He lets go, pushes himself back, and examines you.

“Why did you do that?”

“Do what?”

Well, maybe he’s not all there yet. It doesn’t matter. Something about being in bed with him like this again blurs everything. You’re comfortable and warm here, and this is all that’s mattered. You should probably check your messages, your email, your bank account…something—your family might actually be worried enough to send money. It doesn’t matter, though. You don’t plan on going anywhere right now.

“I need to shower, and go out…what time is it?”

“Go out? Why do you have to go out?”

“I have to find…” Seungmin stops and looks at you again. “Someone.”

“Already?”

“Yes”

When did he do this last? Did he do it recently? The last time you asked him, it was in the park, and he told you he killed someone the day you met. After you met, because he didn’t kill you. You can’t even remember how long ago that was, so you close your eyes and think…two weeks, and—

“It’s been two days,” he says.

Oh, it was recent. You find yourself looking around the room as if you missed some clue about his recent activities. Is that why the bedding is all new? Did he do it right here on this bed? “Two days?”

He rises slowly. The arm that’s still draped over your hip slides away, and he stumbles a little as he gets to his feet. “Yeah, on Friday. After I thought you left.” And he’s gone without another word.

You hear him in the shower—he’s in there for a very long time, and when he finally comes out, a cloud of steam follows him. He’s still dripping wet, and his hair is slicked back so tight, he almost looks like a different person. And he’s completely naked. No towel wrapped around his waist, no shorts, just wet skin glowing in the sunlight. Seungmin makes himself more coffee, an iced one this time, and doesn’t say a word as he sips and looks absently at his phone.

He takes his coffee to the bedroom, and he comes back out a few minutes later, partially dressed. All you can do is watch, nervously, as he approaches where you sit at the corner of the couch. Why are you so nervous? Seungmin isn’t even looking at you— he’s staring at the floor, and then at whatever small thing he has in his hand. He holds it out and waits for you to take it before speaking.

“Get whatever you need, or whatever you want…both,” he says softly—practically whispers it. “Max it out, I don’t care.”

If you didn’t assume he planned on doing this since last night, you’d think it was his indirect way of apologizing. Seungmin clearly has money to throw at things to make them go away, or to bring them closer to him. You’re not sure which of those he wants from you right now.

This was your first time shopping in Seoul, and it was overwhelming being on your own in the crowds, but you have to admit it had its moments of calm, and even a few moments of joy—particularly when you found a dress very similar to one that you lost, and especially when you stumbled upon something that reminded you of Seungmin. It seemed silly to bet, but it seemed still to pass up, too, and you haven’t decided yet if you’ll give it to him. But you have it just in case. Maybe he’ll be in a better mood after a few more hours of solitude. Maybe he won’t be as bad as you think he’ll be at accepting gifts.

The apartment is dark, and very quiet when you return. Seungmin gave you a copy of both keys, and the code to the final lock—being trusted with that did feel good, and it made your morning a little better after his standoffish attitude. It does make it feel like last night's comments probably weren’t the truth, but you still have to wonder about everything else. You set the bags down and look around; the kitchen light is on, and you can see some soft light coming from the crack beneath his bedroom door. There is sound, but it’s very quiet and you can’t catch any type of conversation.

The closer you get, the more confusing it becomes, until it finally hits you—you think you know what you’re hearing, and it throws your heart into your throat, and you feel a little sick. Seungmin is moaning, over and over, but it’s not quite how he sounds when he’s with you. It’s a steady rhythm, and then he stops…starts again, stops. It almost sounds forced, but he’s the only sound you can hear. Maybe he’s getting himself off; maybe last night wasn’t enough. You don’t want to interrupt him if that is what’s going on, but when you hear another voice, you really start to feel sick.

“Is that good?” the voice says. It sounds masculine, but still, it’s hard to tell for sure. You can’t understand it, anyway. You don’t hear Seungmin’s response, but the other person laughs, and you feel your entire body start to heat up. It could be from anger, or embarrassment, or sadness...all of the above. You feel pretty stupid standing there, but it’s not like Seungmin is your boyfriend. He’s not yours, and you guess you’re not his, either. No, he just took in a stray and gave it unlimited money to shop, absolutely no big deal. Nothing serious.

“Yeah, you are…” Still the nameless, faceless voice. Definitely masculine. “Come back, don’t be a tease.”

You take a few steps back. The language barrier means you can’t say for sure what’s happening behind that door, but it feels obvious. The deep, sensual whispers and the moans can only equal one thing.

“Yeah, keep going”

It’s Seungmin’s voice that time. And then everything goes quiet. A few seconds later, he comes, loudly. And then it’s quiet again.

You take a few more steps back until you hit the side of the kitchen counter, and it’s then that you hear a loud thud. Very loud, like something heaving hitting the ground.

“Fuck…what are you doing?” This time, the voice sounds…angry? No, surprised, confused. It’s hard to tell even as you listen as carefully as possible. Your head is swimming with every strange thought, though. “No…stop, please.”

“What the fuck?” You say out loud to nobody. Your legs are trembling. Another loud thud makes you jump, and then you hear Seungmin. It almost doesn’t sound like him, but you know it’s him. It’s big, and deep, and unlike any version of him you’ve heard…

“Fucking…hold still. Fuck, give me a break.”

The door shakes, the doorknob turns, and as soon as it swings open, all you see is the stranger's terrified face. He’s half-dressed, jeans still mostly zipped, but he slips a little as he makes a run for the door. Seungmin is right behind him, and you just barely see the shine of his knife as he runs by.

Your legs tremble more, and you don’t know how you’re still standing. The feeling of needing to vomit now hits, but nothing happens when you lean forward—just a dry heave, and then your throat tightens right back up. He doesn’t see you…he has one thing in his sights, and it’s almost at the door you’re pretty sure you left unlocked.

The man stumbles again, and Seungmin grabs him by the back of the neck as he falls forward onto the carpet. But he screams, and it’s so loud. You see the glint again as he pulls back and plunges it into the side of his neck. The sound…you think you actually hear the metal as it slides through his skin and tendons and cartilage. Did you really hear it all the way over here? You did hear Seungmin’s angry growl, and you can still hear his heavy, uneven pulls of breath. Finally, you fall to your knees and take one deep breath. The light-headedness outweighs the feeling of vomiting, but you manage to keep it together.

“Son of a bitch,” he says, in English this time, and you definitely hear the blade being pulled out and thrown to the side. It bounces and makes a mess everywhere it hits, and it lands right next to one of the bags you brought home.

Seungmin sighs and runs his fingers through his messy hair, “another fucking mess.” He says it in a sing-songy voice as he turns his head and looks for his knife.

You can see his face now, and it changes immediately when he notices the bags. His eyes grow, and his tongue pokes out a little between his lips. First he looks at his work again, and the mess of blood slowly pouring onto the carpet. Then he looks at the door, which you know he can see is unlocked. If the stranger would have beat him to it…well, you’d rather not think about that. Finally, he turns his head. His eyes seem to soften as they land on you, and something about his face looks guilty.

“Hey,” he says, and very carefully stands up. Seungmin towers over the body, examines it again, and then adjusts his shorts. It’s the only thing he’s wearing, except for two silver necklaces, and a little bit of blood on his stabbing hand. “Hey…I thought you’d be out longer,” he quickly closes the space between you and kneels a few feet away. "Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

You stay in your spot and watch him as he heads for the sink to wash his hands…once, and then a second time.

“You okay?” He kneels again, much closer this time, and places his hand on your knee. “Hm?” Seungmin keeps his face relaxed, and his eyes heavy, as if he’s trying his best not to make this seem as serious as it really is. To him, it is nothing, you think, and he may be lacking a bit in empathy, but he’s smart enough to know that what you just witnessed was a lot. “Do you wanna stand with me?”

No, you don’t, but you nod anyway and give him your hands.

He stares at you for a long time, silent, wondering what to say next. “Why don’t you go take a long, hot shower? I’ll set some clothes in there for you.”

“Why?”

“Because when you come out, you’ll feel a little better, and everything will be back to normal.”

“Normal?”

“Yeah, mostly. Please, just give me…30 minutes.”

“How are you going to fix this in a half an hour?”

That’s a very good question. Seungmin can clean up in that span of time, but he certainly can’t dispose of this body, as well. Luckily, he usually has a backup plan floating around in his head. “You’ll have to believe me.” He relaxes the vice grip he has on your wrists and slides his hands up your arms. “Try to.”

/ / /

He digs out the hard shell suitcase from the living room closet, and thanks himself for choosing a smaller kill this time. This is not how he likes doing things, and the knife is also not his favorite, but what he really doesn’t like is having an audience. This is a first. At least he didn’t know until after the fact.

As soon as the body, his shoes, his shirt, and whatever else he took off, is out of his sight, he focuses on the carpet. He rolls the rug up neatly, cuts it off as cleanly as possible, and wraps it as tightly as he can in several layers of garbage bags. Luckily, nothing made it down to the hardwood floor. Only a few little spots from the knife need to be cleaned. And the knife, of course. The biggest problem now is how he’s getting this down 26 floors to the basement, two separate times before he has a chance to get to the bedroom.

Seungmin tries his best, and he underestimates how good he really is. He locks everything away in his basement storage, for now, and gets back to the apartment with time to spare. Maybe you’ll give him a few extra minutes. Or maybe you’ll stay in there until he comes to get you.

The bedroom isn’t bad, but you know what was going on in here. He pulls off the bedspread and replaces it with a heavy blanket, just big enough to cover the king-size bed. The clothes on the floor get tossed in the hamper. Everything is thrown back in his drawer, neatly, or in the trash. He’s never worked so fast, because he’s never had to, and he really hopes he never has to speed run this again.

Last, he looks down at himself. He’s sweating, and out of breath, but luckily, he can’t find a splatter of blood on him. He rips off the tshirt and sweatpants, and replaces them with fresh ones.

You still haven’t made a sound, thirty-seven minutes later, so Seungmin knocks… “Hey, do you need anything?”

“Can I come out?”

He smiles at your small, timid voice. “Yes, you can come out.”

Seungmin looks around with you, a little paranoid he forgot something in his rush, but everything looks normal. Everything except the missing piece of carpet. He follows as you walk over to inspect the area, and when you seem satisfied, he follows into the bedroom.

“Where is it, the body?” You look around carefully. This is the first time you really explore his bedroom, and Seungmin doesn’t seem to mind when you end up at one of his bookshelves.

“Not here, not in the apartment.” He watches your hand reach for the music box, but you don’t open it. Your finger slides over the lid, and then you move on to the withering vase of flowers.

“You need some fresh heliotrope. We can change the water, though…they might perk up for another day.”

“Yeah, we can do that.” Seungmin’s heart starts to race, and he doesn’t know why. It picks up even more when you return to the music box, gently pop the latch, and open it. He holds his breath, but luckily, he didn’t wind it. It’s quiet.

“Oh, this…” a dainty silver chain is pinched between your fingers, but you examine it closely before you continue, “no, it’s almost the same.” You hold it up so the St. Michael medallion hangs and sways like a pendulum. “Is this yours?”

“It belonged to my mother. So did the music box.” Seungmin reaches out and grabs the charm between his thumb and forefinger. “Yeah, I guess it’s mine.” How did we get from there, to here? he thinks to himself. You don’t ask him anything else—you carefully set the necklace back inside, close it, and pick up the vase of flowers.

“Where did you get these? Is there a greenhouse nearby?

It takes so much of his energy not to tell you exact truths right now, and he doesn’t know why. Seungmin can’t help but want you to ask him what happened; what did you walk into? Why aren’t you more shaken by this? You did have time to think in the shower, but thinking is one thing, and demanding more information is another. He was actually ready to explain himself. “Yeah, sort of.”

“Can we go get more?” Your voice fades as you head for the kitchen, to the sink, where you carefully replace the water in the vase.

No, Seungmin doesn’t think he can handle that right now. He’s never quite sure when he can, and he usually has to force himself. That might be the case soon. He does need to replace these.

“You gonna dry these, too?”

“…are you okay?”

He assumes by the long silence and the way you’re staring at the flowers…probably not. It was a good act, but you still don’t say anything when you walk back to the bedroom and set the vase back in its spot.

“I didn’t think you’d be back so soon.” Again, you leave the room. Seungmin is beginning to dislike not getting a proper response from you. “Dammit…will you please just answer me?”

You’ve been trying to think of a way to answer him—you really have. This entire day, aside from your alone time shopping, has been strange, and so uncomfortable. He can’t possibly expect you to just be okay, though…Seungmin isn’t stupid. He just wants something, anything besides you changing the subject again. But how are you supposed to tell him the kill wasn’t the worst part? Or that you weren’t even completely sure he was telling you the truth about his killing? You actually thought for a moment that he made the whole thing up, or exaggerated. You don’t have to wonder about that anymore. He did it, and it wasn’t his first time. “I’m okay, it was just,” you think, stall for another few seconds, “hearing you in there with someone else caught me off-guard.”

“Oh, that’s all? I thought I scared you...set off another panic attack, maybe.” The look you give him makes him revisit his response. “It was just a blowjob, I barely touched him, but that will happen again.”

“I know”

“You're jealous?” Seungmin smirks and takes a step toward you. “Is that it?”

“No, I’m not jealous,” you lie. What a stupid lie. “I just wasn’t expecting it.”

“Nobody else lives in my house, or spends my money.” Another step. “Right?”

“Yes”

Close enough to kiss, but no. He reaches out, touches your neck, and leans forward as he does, “nobody else sleeps in my bed.” You can see yourself in his unblinking eyes, until he’s even closer. His lips ghost over your forehead, moving slowly over your temple, and to the spot just above your ear. He kisses once. “Just you.”

A moment of courage comes over you—he’s so close, and he smells so good, and you need to touch him. His hips feel good in your hands, and when he makes a sound, you move them slowly up his sides. You haven’t forgotten, he’s sensitive here.

Seungmin moves down until his breath tickles your ear, “but nobody touches you,” he kisses again, “or I’ll kill them.”

“I don’t want anyone else”

“Good. Now…are you gonna show me what you bought?”

/ / /

“I can try some, right?” He leans back on the couch, yawns, and stretches. Everything suddenly feels very normal. He feels like himself right now, and you suspect it’s his post-kill high.

The way his eyes follow you all over the room is suffocating, though. For some reason, it's making you feel shy, and way too seen. You can’t figure out what it is he sees in you, and what wants from you, and from all of this. What are you giving that somebody else couldn’t? If you knew what he looked for in his victims, maybe it’d be easier to figure out, but you don’t know. You don’t know why he talked to you that morning.

“Yeah, you bought it”

One of the things you bought, something you definitely didn’t need, was 70,000 won almond blossom tea. You only wandered into the shop to escape the crowd, but the owner let you try a sample, and it was impossible to pass up after tasting it. The scent, and the flavor took you back to the warmth of him wrapped around you this morning. It felt good.

Seungmin sneaks up behind you, and when his hand squeezes your waist, the hot water almost ends up on the counter. “It’s pretty…it smells nice,” he’s so close, you can almost feel his lips on you. “How long?”

“Two minutes.” You didn’t think brewing tea would make him so touchy and sweet, but you’ve started expecting pretty much anything from him. “Maybe a little less.”

“Show me something you bought”

“Pick something”

He slides away and heads for the three large bags at the end of the couch, and then he peeks in each one. “Okay, let’s try this one.” He reaches in and pulls out a smaller bag from inside the large one.

“Oh, maybe not that one…”

“Why not?”

“Pick something else”

“Okay, I’ll try again.” He reaches into another large bag, and again, pulls out a small one. “This one, you can’t say no.”

You nod and hand him his tea, “I won’t say no,” and take a sip. He does, too, and you watch him. “Do you like it?”

Before he answers, he takes one more slow sip, and a smile appears. His cheeks round out, and you see the shine of his teeth behind his lips. “I do…it’s nice and sweet.”

“Good,” you peek in the small bag and pull out a flat white box.

Seungmin watches the little golden movements as he swirls his cup, closes his eyes, and drinks again. Memories pop up in his mind: the kitchen, and the sun coming in through the window above the sink. His favorite chair—it faced the stove where he watched her cook every morning, every afternoon. Bundles of dried flowers hanging by the doorway, and the sweet smell of yakgwa if he behaved all week. Sometimes even if he didn’t.

He doesn’t realize how quickly he drains his cup, and he hopes you’ll make him another one.

“Hey…you there?”

“Hm? Yes, I’m here…sorry”

“I wasn’t sure about getting them, or about getting anything for you. So I hope it’s okay.”

“You bought something for me?" His eyes grow as he looks at the box, "this was supposed to be your shopping trip.”

Still soft, and you hope with everything you have that he stays like this for a little longer. Tonight, in the morning, and maybe through tomorrow. You think it, scream it in your head. Maybe he’ll pick up on it just enough. Maybe it’s the tea. You should make him more.

“I know, but…”

“Let me see," he moves the tissue paper out of the way and looks, touches the soft fabric first, and then carefully picks it up.

“It’s corny, I’m sorry”

“Corny? No, they're beautiful.” He reaches in and picks up the second silky handkerchief, and runs his thumb over the embroidered purple flowers, every petal, “and these won't die." Seungmin keeps one and hands the other back to you. You don't know, of course, but this is the first gift he's been given in years.

“Oh, they came as a pair…you don’t want both?”

“No, you keep one. It doesn’t look like you bought much for yourself.”

He’s right, you didn’t get as much as you should have, and that explains why you got back early and interrupted his work. You should have made a list.

“We can go again tomorrow. Maybe you just need company.”

“Company? You’re gonna go shopping with me?”

“Yes, we can do that. We can get lunch somewhere nice, and maybe we can go get more flowers...what? Is that okay?”

Whatever confused look you’re giving him, he caught it. This is the Seungmin from last night, just happier, and more euphoric. “Yeah, we should do that. How about we have more tea, and then we get some sleep? It’s been a long day.”

“It has, but I need to bleach my hair”

“Right now?”

“Yeah, I almost forgot. There were a lot of people around earlier, when I…you know, picked him.”

“I can help if you’d like. And make you some more tea.”

/ / /

The orangey-blonde head of hair sticking out from the covers confuses you in your half-sleep. It’s early, and you set an alarm, but you can’t remember why. Last night hasn’t come back to you quite yet. The puppy plush is in the gap between you, and you really don’t remember putting him there last night. But he’s there, sitting up, almost like he just walked up and took a seat. He’s still a mystery, just like his owner.

The bleach job didn’t work as well as he’d hoped last night, because he forgot he just tried to darken it a few days before. It’s still soft and pretty, and even in his sleep, his bangs frame his face perfectly. Lucky for him, he’s handsome enough to pull anything off.

Seungmin squirms, rolls onto his other side, and settles again. Now, looking at his face, you remember why you set that alarm. How could you forget? You have the day planned out with him, and you’re counting on a smile when he finally wakes up. Something put him in a better mood, a mood good enough for a date, and you suspect it was two kills in three days. He moves again, but you don’t want to wake him yet. He looks happy, or at least comfortable. If he’s dreaming, it’s not strong enough to show, so maybe he got a good night of sleep. Again, you think, hope, plead for the same man to be there when he wakes.

His eyelashes flutter a few times, and open slowly. Close again, open. He looks at the dog, blinks, and then he finds you. Your stomach swirls with butterflies as he stares, and finally, after really waking up, a smile pulls on his lips—a sweet, sleepy smile.

“Jal jat-ssuh?”

“Ne,” he laughs. “That sounded good. Did you?”

“I did”

“Is my hair still orange?” He sits himself up and pulls on a piece to check.

Hopefully it doesn’t discourage him from today’s plans. Hopefully he remembers today’s plans. “It is, it looks good on you, though. A very handsome tangerine.”

“Tangerine? Do you like tangerines?”

“I love them”

“We’ll get some today”

He didn’t forget, and he’s still okay. Seungmin’s head falls back to the pillow, eyes close again, but his smile stays on his lips. And then he starts to hum. If this mood lasts long enough, maybe you can finally hear him sing. You let him go for a little while longer, until he starts to quiet, probably dozing off again…

Seungmin is cute when he’s focused, and he’s very focused on the grill between you; poking and flipping the meat, plating it carefully. His mouth is squished to one side, and the dimple on his cheek is especially noticeable.

“You’re good at this”

“Hm? Oh, sorry, I’m so used to eating alone. I didn’t mean to ignore you.”

“I am, too, it’s okay.” You take the plate from him, and he hands you a few of the things he hoarded on his side of the table. “How are you feeling?”

“How am I feeling?” He takes a very big bite of zucchini, and it takes a few moments for him to get it down. “I feel…pretty good. Better now that we’re eating. I don’t like being hungry.”

“Good. The mall was pretty crowded, so it was nice not being alone. Still, it’s a little overwhelming.”

“We shouldn’t have to do it again for a while. I think we replaced everything you lost, plus extra.”

“Too much extra”

“No, not if it makes you happy”

Happy Seungmin is still here, and now he has a full stomach...even better. You can’t get attached to this feeling, but you’ve become much more attached to him than you thought was possible it such a short amount of time—all of him, good and bad…and the bad still seems to outweigh the good by a lot. It doesn’t seem believable, looking at him right now, but this was him the day you met, you think. Maybe not completely, because he was obviously on the hunt when you showed up, but this Seungmin was there, a little bit. You could feel it—he felt right. He still does.

“Sitting here with you makes me happy”

He stops stirring his broth and looks at you. Was that too much? It was too much, you might as well have just told him you love him. What if you trigger something, and whatever is going on in his head changes completely? You need to get a hold on whatever is going on in your own head. He’s staring, and you can feel it, even with your eyes fixed on your plate.

“Why?” He whispers. You barely hear it, and it’s as if he’s speaking to himself. Asking himself. “I haven’t done anything to make you feel that way.”

“Yes you have”

“Tell me”

The server interrupts with more banchan, more water, more tea. It gives you a whole ten seconds to think, and not sound like an idiot when you answer. Does he really want to know, or is he just putting you on the spot?

“You came back for me, and you took care of me…do you remember what you said to me last night?”

“I tend to forget what I say, apparently”

There’s some attitude in his voice, and you immediately regret saying it. He obviously remembers you asking him the same thing yesterday morning.

“I remember. Depends, though, I said a lot of things.” He moves his eyes around as he thinks, and you’re relieved to see a smirk pop up. “But I assume you’re referring to…killing anyone who touches you.”

He did say a lot of things last night, but yeah…you nod at him.

“You liked that.” No more attitude. He whispers, almost growls under his breath. “Didn’t you?” His eyes are so heavy, and dark. He’s still smiling, but it’s different. It’s so much different. “You did.”

“Maybe”

“Speaking of that..someone in here has been staring at you since we walked in”

“I doubt that”

His eyes move slowly to the left, and stay there. You look in the same direction as discreetly as possible, and you see who he’s talking about—it’s the bartender, and Seungmin is right. He wipes down the bar and smiles at you, but looks away almost immediately after. Maybe the timing was just a coincidence, though.

“He’s just looking. He barely looked.”

“I don’t really like that, either”

“Seungmin”

A shiver runs over you when he says your name…whispers it. “Why don’t you get up and head to the bathroom. Leave the door unlocked.” He cocks his head to the side when you don’t move, or respond. “Please.”

He smiles when you push your chair back, and shows you all of his teeth when you stand. Still happy. If this keeps him that way, he doesn’t have to ask again—as if you'd deny him. Your legs already shake at the thought of him touching you. The bartender's eyes are on you as you walk by, and you feel them linger as you disappear down the short hallway toward the (luckily) private bathroom. You close the door, lean against it, and look around. It’s nice, at least.

Thirty or so seconds pass between you closing the door, and his soft knock. You don’t know why your heart races. It could be that you’ve never done this before, and it doesn’t help that the bartender saw both of you come back here, and he knows exactly what’s going on. If you’re nervous enough, you won’t be able to do this, and he’ll be very disappointed.

The doorknob turns, and he comes in slowly. It’s just Seungmin, there’s no reason to be nervous, and it’s just public sex…very public for you…but your stomach drops when you see someone else…not him, not even close. You only see the face for a split second before he disappears—pulled backward so fast, and with so much force, the door slams shut again. A thud on the other side of the wall echoes through you, through the bathroom, and you have to assume through the entire restaurant. And then, right before you pull the door open, you hear it again. The man—the bartender, is on the floor, flat on his back with one hand covering his bloody face, and there’s a crack in the plaster wall. Seungmin is standing over him, still seeing red, but showing some restraint by not touching him again.

“Wh-what happened?”

He grabs your arm and pulls you closer. “Naleul bwa...” He nudges the man with his foot until he removes his hand and looks up. “Creep.”

A small crowd gathers at the end of the narrow hallway, but he pushes through, still holding you close. Nobody says a word or stops you as you grab your bags and head for the door, and as soon as you get outside, you’re both lost in the crowd.

“Stop, stop…Seungmin!”

“Yeah, what is it?” He slows down, but he doesn’t stop. “You okay?”

“What the hell happened?”

He doesn’t answer. He’s walking you as far away as possible, as calmly as possible. The look on his face is familiar, but different…nervous, worried, excited maybe. You can tell his adrenaline is sky high, and you don’t know why, but you assume this is unusual for him—this somewhat random act of violence. Almost everything you’ve witnessed from him has been disjointed and clumsy, but he hasn’t been caught yet, so you know he’s been careful up until this point. You’re messing him up.

Finally, he stops and lets you catch your breath.

“We’ll head back, drop your things off…”

“Seungmin”

“I’ll drive us to Uljin, if you still want to get flowers”

“Uljin?”

“Yeah, let’s go before we miss the train”

The train is crowded, of course—standing room only, and Seungmin’s fingers grip your wrist the entire time. He’s clearly overwhelmed and soothing himself; there’s nothing romantic or possessive about it, he’s just suddenly very nervous about something. Either the crowd, or what just happened. You change the subject for now, not wanting to move his mind around the incident anymore than necessary. “Uljin is far.”

“I know. I can get us there in three hours, and if you’re tired we can wait until morning to drive back.”

You close the space still left between you, until your face grazes his sweatshirt, “why so far for flowers?” The small corner of the silk handkercheif just pokes out from his back pocket. You didn't notice it before, or catch him putting it there before you left this morning.

“They’re the best ones. And they’re always there for me.”

The ride wasn’t as long and awkward as you feared it would be. Both of you were silent most of the way, but Seungmin kept his music low the entire time, not once deviating from whatever playlist he initially put on. It feels like he’s made this drive more than a few times, and he has a set routine. As you moved closer and closer to the end of the drive, everything became greener, and darker. Lush and beautiful in some spots, but desolate and almost forgotten in others. It all seemed to reflect him.

You’re not sure how far out you are from the destination when he makes the second and final stop, but it’s been three hours, almost exactly, so you wonder why he made another stop at all.

He doesn’t go inside the gas station, but you do. For no reason, really. You check yourself in the bathroom mirror, grab some water, and then watch him for a moment before leaving. Maybe he just needed to stretch his legs—he’s walking slowly toward the edge of the pumps, and then across toward where a small section of woods start. It zig-zags upward and into a much larger section that you can’t see the end of. Seungmin is staring through those trees, hands in his coat pockets, and he doesn’t move when you exit and jingle the bell above the door.

“Here, you haven’t had anything since we left.” He looks at the bottled water in your hands, sighs, and takes it.

“About twenty minutes…we should be there”

“Where is exactly is there?” Seungmin downs half of his water before stopping and taking a breath. It’s cold out, but sweat is beading on his forehead and around his temples. You reach up and touch his cheek with the back of your hand, and he turns his head away. “Sorry. You’re very warm. Do you feel okay?”

He nods and takes another long drink, “there is the house I grew up in.”

“Oh.” They’re the best ones, and they’re always there for me makes much more sense now. It’s sentimental. The flowers here are special…special enough for a six-hour roundtrip drive.

The remainder of the trip takes you further into the woods. The road narrows, and the pine trees get closer and closer until, every mile or so, there’s a break in the woods, a clearing, and you can see the sky as it slowly darkens. You know when you arrive, because there’s one lonely hanok in the distance. Seungmin sighs again. He never turned the music back on, so you can hear every sound, and every breath. The snap of twigs under the tires, the chirp of bugs, and the chatter of a few magpies fills most of the silence.

“You grew up here?”

He doesn’t answer until you turn and look at him.

“Yeah, until I was nine. And then…” he can stop there. He doesn’t have to tell you every single thing. You’re just making conversation, not setting him down for therapy. “I got passed around to different family members.”

“Were they good to you?”

Somebody certainly wasn’t, and Seungmin knows you know that. He can feel you looking through him, gathering up his thoughts, and his feelings, and figuring things out on your own. “Yes, my grandparents did the best they could, and my aunts…they did, too.”

His answers just make more questions, considering his life now, but you’ll save them for another time.

The car comes to a slow stop. The house is dark and overgrown, but still somewhat looked after, you assume because of him. To your left is a large garden shed, not as well kept. Once, it was probably nice, but time was not kind to it. A little further down is a large greenhouse, also starting to show its age, but it’s iron and glass, and it’s standing strong without much help.

“Good”

“I wasn’t…uh,” he stops himself this time, and reconsiders. Instead of finishing his thought, he opens the door and steps out.

You do the same, and as soon as you stand and close the door, something hits you. It hits your chest, and works its way down to your stomach until you can’t stay on your feet. You kneel, trying not to fall onto the cold, damp ground, but your hands spread out in front of you as you lean forward and empty the contents of your stomach onto the grass.

“Fuck…what happened? Are you okay?”

“Uh, yeah I think so. Maybe.”

“Do you get car sick?”

His hand on your shoulders takes you back two nights, and the memory makes you feel a little bit better. Opening your eyes and staring into the distance makes it worse again. “No.”

“You’re warm, too”

“Maybe we should do this tomorrow, if we’re staying the night." After the long drive, Seungmin might want to do it now, so why are even asking? But you also know he doesn't feel well. The fever heat between the two of you could bloom more flowers. "We should."

“We can," he says, secretly a little grateful, “I’ll find a room somewhere”

He pulls you to your feet, and it feels awful, but once you’re up and leaning against him, the dizziness is gone. “We’re not staying here?”

“No, we wouldn’t be very comfortable in there”

/ / /

The sick feeling passes eventually, and the room Seungmin finds at the last minute is not far. It’s small, and it’s comfortable. He’s working on the instant tteokbokki a few feet away, very focused, just like he was at the restaurant.

“It smells good”

“Feeling better? We have frozen bungeoppang, too. The hosts are very generous, we got lucky.”

“Lucky, even with one tiny bed?”

“Yeah, even with one tiny bed,” he laughs, and looks at the twin-size bed tucked away in the corner. He’s reminded of the one in your apartment that he never got to try, and he’s surprised his mind can even go there right now. The memory of his last trip home is mostly a blur, even though it wasn’t more than a day or two before you showed up. “Let’s eat, and get into bed.”

Still happy. So why are you suddenly feeling so empty? “I don’t wanna go to sleep yet.” You pick at and stir your food, and watch him devour his. “Hey…”

“Yes?”

“What happened earlier, at the restaurant?”

He was hoping you forgot about that. Seungmin isn’t typically violent unless he plans on seeing it to the end, so today was unusual. He keeps himself out of sight, and out of people’s memories, because he can’t afford to be noticed that much. He doesn’t regret what he did, though, and he has no problem admitting to himself that it felt good. “Before I got up, he started following you. He watched you walk by, and maybe you looked at him and he thought it was an invitation…or he’s just a piece of shit taking advantage of the opportunity.”

“I don’t think I looked at him”

“I caught up, just in time”

“And smashed his face into the wall”

“I didn’t know what I was going to do, but yeah, it seemed like the best choice at the time”

“It was effective”

“Still ruined our moment.” Seungmin’s eyes are tired, but he’s obviously nudging you into bed for more than just sleep. He wants to make up for whatever lust was building inside of him earlier, and you haven’t told him no a single time yet. Why would he expect you to tell him no tonight? But you’re feeling off—much more than just tired. It may have been the adrenaline rush earlier, combined with the very long car ride. It could just be the new setting, because the new setting reminds you a little bit of home, right down to the claustrophobic woods and this 300 square feet of living space.

“Maybe we should go to sleep.” You say, staring hard at your food as you eat. “It’s been a long day.”

/ / /

The twin bed is perfect, at least for you. Seungmin backed himself against the wall and kept his hands to himself after you crawled in beside him, and luckily, there was nothing but sleep for both of you almost immediately. A sharp pinging sound wakes you, and you open your eyes to him at the tiny kitchen counter. The sound you hear is sleet falling against the window, and the realization makes you shiver under the covers…but the smell of brewing coffee brings you right back.

The icy rainfall picks up as you force yourself into a sitting position, but staying up is still hard, regardless of his soft good morning, and his eyes peeking over his mug.

“Morning.” The headache has been there for a while, but you’re conscious now, and really feeling it. “What time is it?”

“It’s almost eleven, we slept a lot”

You count to three and force your feet onto the cold floor, “doesn’t sound like good driving weather out there,” and make it to the other stool, where now you see an empty mug and a plate of warm bungeoppang. Without a word, you reach a hand up and set it on his forehead. “How did you sleep?”

Seungmin doesn’t shake it away, but he gives you a confused look, and he shrugs. “I slept.”

“Did you have any dreams? Nightmares?”

“The usual. Why?”

“Just wondering.” Because you had one, too. “You had a fever yesterday. It’s gone.”

“I think you took it from me, you look miserable”

“Do I?” Miserable is a strong word, but the headache, and the slightly off feeling is definitely close. Maybe you’re allergic to something up here. You make a mental note to take something for that, and for the headache, just in case.

“As soon as the rain stops, we’ll get what we came for, and then head back. Eat something.”

/ / /

The drive through the narrow forest road is even crunchier this time. Tiny icicles hang off tree branches, and no bugs chirp this time…no birds sing. It’s somehow darker this afternoon than it was yesterday at dusk, and the low mist hanging over the property makes you wish you would have just gotten this over with yesterday. Something strange is definitely living in these woods It’s beautiful, though, in its own lonely way. It’s still very alive here and it breathes easily through the cracks in the wood.

Seungmin is quiet, and you expect that. Whatever you’re feeling right now, he must be feeling it threefold. This is his home—or it was, at least, at a very important time in his life. The memory of why he had to leave is still be lingering here.

Greenhouse is all he says as he steps out. You follow, and this time, you feel okay when your feet hit the ground. The headache is still there, but not so bad that you can’t fight through it, so you catch up with him and try not to lose your footing in the soft, muddy ground.

“Take your time, it’s uneven down here”

You watch each step as you take it, and weave around the stones and spots where the grass is drowning from the melted snow and ice. Some spots are still slick, so you wonder how anything could possibly be hanging on mid-December…especially what he came for. Even inside the greenhouse. You catch a shine of light from the corner of your eye and stop, even as he bolts ahead of you. Something in the ruins of the shed catches what little bit of sunlight makes it through the clouds.

"Come on..."

The boots you wore could have been better; could have been worse. Seungmin’s Redwings are splattered and caked with mud, old and new, because he knew what he was getting into up here. These are specifically the boots he wears here, you think. No hunting, no murder, no body disposal. Every job has its own equipment.

It’s even prettier up close, and inside, through the condensation rising up every perfect panel of glass, you see green and yellow. Purple, and blue. He opens the door to the anteroom, and the sweet smell of flowers fills you up. When he opens the main door, the warmth still trapped inside almost knocks you on your back.

“Does someone tend to this all year, or…”

“No.” He heads to a workspace in the corner and picks up a pair of gardening shears, a little rusty, but probably still very sharp. “Nobody comes here but me.”

“I like it, it’s nice”

“Yeah?”

You catch up to him and nod, “mhm, I don’t like it outside, but this is better.”

Seungmin leads you to the spot filled with purple flowers. Some of them fill big decorative pots, and some are elevated on homemade wooden shelves, but the largest ones are in the ground. It’s a little bit chaotic, but something about it feels organized at the same time. It’s everywhere, but it’s everywhere exactly where somebody wanted it.

“I see why you came all this way. It’s yours.”

He doesn’t answer. Seungmin lowers himself to the ground and kneels, and you watch as he does nothing for a very long time. The sounds of the greenhouse take over; the creak of the panels as the wind outside hits, and the cries of the bugs. Whatever insects managed to make a home for themselves here are very happy. And it isn't until now that you notice the sound of a single windchime. You find a spot to sit and wait, but you keep your eyes on him. Eventually, after more of his silence passes, it feels as if you’re intruding on something very personal, so you stand, quietly turn away, and focus your attention on a different spot; on different flowers.

What he’s doing over there is more cathartic and necessary than you can imagine.

Seungmin is always careful about how much he cuts and where he cuts from. Some blossoms seem brighter than others, and those are the ones he knows he can take. But before he does anything…

“how have you been?”

It’s exceptionally quiet, and his voice, so soft and light, carries in the small space. At first, you assume he’s speaking to you, because he’s speaking English. But he’s not. You can’t block out his words, so you walk as far from him as you can in an attempt to give him some privacy, but…he knows you’re here. He invited you inside knowing what he was going to do.

“Okay, I guess…sometimes it’s tough to tell from the inside”

Silence. He waits a few moments before speaking again…

“I am, I promise”

˚　　　　✦　　　.　　　

“I know, I’m not alone this time, isn’t that strange? It feels so strange”

⋆ .   　　˚　　 　　*　　　

“Yes, it’s a good thing, I know”

　✦　˚ 　˖✶

“I’m trying really hard, I promise”

The silence is much longer this time. You think he might be finished, but he speaks one more time…

“Saranghaeyo…I love you, too”

You finally turn and look at him through a cluster of forget-me-nots, and he’s bowing so low you can hardly see him. The sound of the shears opening and closing finally comes, and you see him very carefully trimming what he needs. Two bundles. He takes both to the workspace, ties them with string, and wraps them gently in dark brown paper. The amount of care he takes is impressive, and he doesn’t rush through it. You take the opportunity to move closer to the blooms of heliotrope, but not too close. Just enough to admire them. They look like they just saw a warm, summer day, not the cold, icy morning you woke to. You almost forget it’s December as you stare at them.

“I’m ready, if you are.” His voice, still gentle, makes you jump.

“Yes, I’m ready”

“Oh, hold on.” Seungmin walks to the corner where you hid, looks around for something, and after a few minutes of him moving things around, digging, pulling, and digging again, he returns with dirt-covered hands and a small pot filled with the little blue flowers. “We’ll take these, too.”

He hands it over, and you hold it close as you start toward the cold again. The rain begins to fall as you carefully make your way back to the car, but it’s just a fine mist this time, no more ice. The bundles of heliotrope are placed in the backseat, but you hold tight to your flowers. Seungmin never implied they were yours, but you know they are. The forget-me-nots are for you.

The closer you get to Seoul, the more withdrawn you feel him becoming. There was some conversation this time, very minimal, and very light, but you said nothing of Uljin, or the greenhouse, or the conversation he had with the flowers. It slowly dwindled until it became a painful silence; no music, not even a contemplative sigh from him. You held your flowers and stared out of your window until the countryside slowly turned to small town, to city, to busy highways, and finally…home. Home?

“I’ll be gone for a few hours”

He tended to his flowers first. One bundle in the vase, the other tied and hung on the side of the window nearest the kitchen.

“Gone? You’re leaving?”

“Haven’t we seen enough of each other over the last two days?”

“Uhm…” Yeah, you guess so. “Sure.”

“I have to get rid of that body, and the carpet. It might take a while.”

The body. You completely forgot about two nights ago. How could you forget about watching him kill someone right in front of you? Luckily, Seungmin didn’t. He may have kept it at the front of his mind this entire time.

A quick change of clothes, and he’s gone without another word or glance in your direction.

The last two days and the night before was more than you expected from him—but enough? How could it possibly be enough? Whoever you were with today in the greenhouse, and in bed with yesterday morning; there’s so much of him you haven’t seen yet. You’ve barely met him. This was nowhere near enough.

So you shower and sort your things from your two shopping trips in an attempt to keep your mind occupied. But where to put them? Not in his drawer, because you need permission for that, and not in his neat, organized (full) closet. Eventually, you decide on folding and setting most of it on the chest near his bookshelves. The vase of flowers sit brand new and bright and fragrant exactly where the previous ones did, and now you have a chance to really look at them; you touch the delicate little petals and lean forward to take in more of the scent, and you wonder what exactly all of this means to him, because it’s something very special. Some of it you think you can figure out on your own, but you know there’s much more.

The flowers send your thoughts back to the music box. Your fingers itch to touch it again—to pick it up and turn the key, so you do. Seungmin isn’t here, and he might not be back for hours, and maybe he wouldn’t mind you looking at everything more closely. He didn’t seem to mind the first time. You pick it up and examine it in the low light. On top, there's a design burned and stained into the wood: a cloud-covered full moon shining down on a leaping rabbit. You turn the key three times, and hold it as it plays a sweet, sad melody that you don’t recognize. Inside you see the necklace, the one that looks almost exactly like yours, a silver bracelet, and a ring that could only be a wedding band. There’s a small piece of worn paper tucked into the corner, folded into the shape of a butterfly, and you leave that alone. You can see little bits of Hangul written on it, so clearly, it’s some sort of note. Even if you could read it…well, you could always use your phone and translate it—no, it’s none of your business.

The drawer could be your business, though. You’ve already seen it, and you can’t imagine it’s much different now than it was that night, but just thinking about it gets your heart racing.

You click his lamp on first, and look at everything sitting on the table. These are things you haven’t done yet, and there are so many little details about him still to learn. His glasses sit in their open case; a pair of thick black-rimmed ones, not the ones you’ve seen him in. His other ones, the ones that suited him so well, were round metal frames, and they’re not here. His silver Chanel necklace is here, and two prescription bottles that you never noticed before. KIM SEUNGMIN is written on the side of both—lorazepam (the little white pill he offered during your panic attack) and haloperidol. The haloperidol doesn’t look like it’s been touched, but the other is nearly empty. So, he has been diagnosed with something, and medicated for it, he just hasn’t followed through with his treatment. Maybe he’s tried, and it didn’t work—or it didn’t work the way he wanted it to. Finally, the drawer. It’s a little messier than you remember, but not bad. He probably hasn’t touched it since he killed two nights ago because the knife isn’t back in its spot. The sheath is there, and the cuffs, the gag. You carefully pick up one of the syringes and examine it, turn it so you can see the liquid inside move around like a tiny lava lamp. Still three of them. Further back, you feel something else. Something small. It’s an earring, just a tiny gold cuff, and it looks familiar. You reach and touch the top of your left ear, and you realize it’s yours. It must have fallen off while you slept, and he found it, and threw it in his drawer…but why didn’t he just return it?

Just as you put it back and turn off the lamp, you hear the click of the lock. You’d like to stay up and greet him, but if he’s still in the mood he was when he left, it might not be worth it. Instead, you climb under the covers and turn off the lamp on your side. He doesn’t come in right away. You can hear him go straight to the shower, and you stay awake and listen the whole twenty minutes he spends in there. Next, you hear him in the kitchen, and the thought makes your stomach growl. You haven’t eaten since midway through the ride home earlier, and that’s hardly worth mentioning. Maybe you should get up and see him, eat with him, if that’s what he’s doing. But you can’t move. You look at your phone: 9 pm. It’s not late at all, but the dark and the cold makes it feel so much later.

As soon as you smell coffee brewing, you decide to get up and check on him.

Seungmin is sitting in the kitchen, elbows on the counter, head down, face completely hidden in his hands. You can’t actually go out there and face him—no, you’re going to be a coward, because the possibility of his anger, no matter how small, is already making you tear up. But his little movements, the shake of his shoulders, make you think that’s what he’s already doing. You push the door up and slink back to bed and under the covers, and this time you somehow fall asleep.

/ / /

The cold air and smell of cigarette smoke wake you, hardly half an hour later, and as soon as you open your eyes, Seungmin slides the balcony door closed. You briefly shut them again when he walks up your side of the bed, and heads to his bookshelf. He looks at the flowers but does nothing else, and because he turned his lamp back on, you can see his face, and you can tell he was crying. He lifts his arm and wipes his cheeks with the sleeve of his sweatshirt, so you have to assume he just managed to stop while he smoked.

He stretches his neck, pulls his sweatshirt off, and heads for his side of the bed. You feel the blankets shift, and the movement as he sits and slides himself underneath. Then you hear the rattle of a pill bottle…the full one, but you don’t hear him remove the lid. He shakes it again, as if he’s looking at it and thinking, but places it back on the table, unopened. You’re relieved when he finally settles onto his pillow. You can relax again, maybe even turn and face him in your pretend sleep, but you don’t get a chance; Seungmin moves closer, and closer. You try not to jump when his hand slides hesitantly up your arm, over your shoulder, and then back down. He moves once more, until his chest can press against your back.

You’re positive he can feel your racing heart, your erratic breathing. His steady breath is traveling down your neck, under the collar of his tshirt you’re still wearing. Should you say something, let him know you’re awake and here with him? It’s possible the thought of you sleeping while he does this makes it easier, and you don’t want to ruin that, so you wait. His hand is on you again, but the touch is still hesitant and stuttery. Seungmin is thinking about his next move. He’s unsure.

After a few more moments, it slides between your arm and your waist, wraps around your stomach, and gently squeezes. He’s pulling you tight against him, finally, all of him. His forehead rests against the nape of your neck; his hips, his thighs, all curve and surround you. Skin on skin, warm under the blankets. You wait until you feel him relax, then set your hand over his…

“Oh, did I wake you?”

“No, you didn’t.” You feel him pull his hand back, but you hold tight and lace your fingers with his. “You didn’t.”

“How long have you been up?”

“Not long, I heard you coming in from the balcony.” Seungmin isn’t as relaxed now. You can feel his body tense, and his breathing change. “I felt you climb into bed.”

He pulls away again, and this time, he escapes your grasp. Seungmin pushes himself back, and when you turn to look, he’s already facing away, readjusting himself back into his spot.

“Seungmin?” Does he think you saw him crying? He must, and he’s right. Should you tell him he’s allowed to do that? “Can I come over there?” You whisper. “Please.”

“If you want to”

“I do,” you crawl to him and get back under the blankets, but instead of wrapping an arm around his waist, you grab his hip and pull until he’s flat on his back. “If…you want me to,” you really hope your smile will spread to him, but he just looks exhausted. His eyes are red and swollen, and his face is pale.

“Say it again,” he mumbles.

“Say what?"

Seungmin lets you push the hair away from his forehead and out of his eyes. “My name."

“Your name?”

He nods and closes his eyes, so your gaze drops to his lips—you haven’t kissed them in a long time, and now seems like the perfect opportunity. “Seungmin.”

“Mm, I like the way it sounds when you say it”

“Have I been saying it okay? Is my accent messing it up?”

“No…it’s perfect”

You take a chance while his eyes are still closed, first at the corner of mouth, and then a little closer. He doesn’t move, so you press your lips firmly against his. He returns it, and his breath deepens. You think he might stop at any moment, so you enjoy it—the way he tastes, the coffee and the leftover minty sweetness of his cigarette. He stays, though. He touches you. Seungmin’s hand moves to your waist and pulls you closer, and you think, maybe the night will be okay now…but it doesn’t last very long. It’s gone, and he turns his head until you stop kissing. Your lips land on his neck, and they stay there.

“Seungmin” you say again, whispering it slowly and carefully.

“I haven't been feeling very good”

“You haven't? What is it?”

He sniffles, and moves his legs against yours under the blankets. Seungmin is warm, but not fever-warm, and something tells you he doesn’t mean physically. Maybe he’ll open up this door, though. Telling you he isn’t feeling well is already a lock unlocked.

But he doesn’t say another word. What he does do is let you touch—he relaxes again as your palm slides over his chest, down his stomach. You press your lips to his collarbone and make a path across his shoulder. “Tell me what’s hurting.”

“Everything”

“Everything?”

“Almost everything”

"Your body?"

He slowly shakes his head.

"Something up here?"

Seungmin's eyes dart toward you as your fingers run through his hair. He thinks for a long moment before answering. "A little."

"Alright, one more...here?"

His hand closes over yours on his chest, but he doesn't give you a yes or no answer. If it's a yes, which you suspect it is, he's probably not going to give you anything else. You leave it at that.

“Tell me what feels okay, maybe it’ll help a little,” you follow the path you made, returning to his collarbone, and working your way up his neck. This time he’s more receptive to it, and his cheek turns to press against yours. “What feels good?”

Seungmin sets his hand on the small of your back and brings you closer. “Good?”

“Mhm…and how can I make it even better? Let me make you feel good.”

“Bite”

“Bite?”

“Right there, please”

You don’t bite yet, but you kiss him again, lick, and graze your teeth across his skin. “Right here?”

The sound he makes is small, and desperate, like he’s afraid you might not do it. “Please.”

Very cautiously, you suck the skin again, and bite until he makes another sound. It feels like a lot of pressure, but it’s not enough for him. You try again.

“Yeah…like that,” he moans, and squirms beneath you, “don’t be shy.”

The spot you sunk your teeth into starts to turn red, and the marks are there…but you didn’t break the skin. You kiss it, and then kiss a new spot just below it and nibble. When he squirms again, you bite down hard, and this time he sounds satisfied. He grabs your hand and guides it under his waistband, and you bite again when your fingers move over his head, down the length of his cock. You stroke him, and watch him watch you work.

“Don’t stop,” he brings you down to his chest, and when your tongue finds his nipple, “harder please”…you bite, and his hips push into your touch. “Fuck.”

You don’t hold back this time, and you feel the skin break between your teeth. The coppery taste of blood hits your tongue when you lick the spot, and Seungmin makes a sound like he’s never made for you before, and he moans your name…

“Seungmin”

“Mmm…yeah?” He sighs and grips your arm as you stroke, “yeah?” and he smiles as his head hits the pillow. Blood starts to bead from the mark on his chest, and it slowly drips down toward his stomach.

You watch it, then look at him, and the urge to clean it off is too strong to ignore. This is new for you. Is it new for him? Before you get the chance to try, he sits up. “Oh, you gonna bite me?”

Seungmin smiles, shakes his head, “no,” and gets himself out of his shorts, “no, sit back…” he touches you, and slides his hands up your outer thighs, but instead of undressing, they come back down, caressing, squeezing, as if he’s taking a moment to admire you. It gives you a knot in your stomach, the thought of it, and the look on his face. The next time they move up, he grabs your underwear and pulls.

The knot grows; the nervous feeling in your stomach won’t go away, and you don’t know why, because you’ve been here already. You’ve been with him, no panic attack. Again, he touches—very softly runs his fingertips over the top of your thigh and to your knee.

“Give me your arms, hold onto me.” He throws more pillows behind you, and rearranges them while he holds you against him. It feels so sweet and so personal, how he’s tending to the spot where he wants you. “Comfortable?”

“Oh…yeah,” you grip the back of his neck, and the other hand digs into his side. “This is nice.”

“Mm, your nails are sharp”

“Are they? Sorry,” you adjust your hold on him, but he shakes his head as you do.

“No…do your worst. Or your best, I guess.”

The thin line of blood running down his chest is beginning to dry, and the marks you made all over him are darkening. He wants more, though, and you can do that. You gently rake your fingers up his back…just enough to tickle, and then back down with a little more pressure. At the same time, his fingers tease you, ghosting up and down so perfectly and carefully.

You spread your legs in anticipation of more. “Hey,” you whisper. His eyes are wide open, but focused elsewhere, just away from you. He’s thinking hard, or spacing out…you can’t tell. “Look at me.”

A little smile tugs at his lips when he looks up, “hm?” And his eyes are big and shining inches from yours, ready to swallow you up. He pushes his hair away from his forehead and comes in for a kiss, and you’re not prepared. At all. It’s just like the elevator kiss—so deep and eager like he can’t get close enough. You fall back on your spot and pull him with you, and he keeps going, slips his tongue in, and moans softly into your mouth. You scratch across his back, not enough to mark, and he does it again.

Each time, you give him more. A little more pressure, a little slower.

He slides in, and with each push, hits deeper and stretches more. His lips keep kissing, though, like he’s trying to distract from the pain he might be causing as he pushes every inch into you. But with every twinge of pain, you dig deeper, pull so slowly, and feel your nails get close to breaking skin.

When you open your eyes to check, his upper back is so much more red and angry than you anticipated.

“Don’t stop,” he whines as he finally pulls away from the kiss.

“It looks so sore…Seungmin, I dunno if I can…” from here you see old scratches mixed in with the new ones, much older, scarred over—they look like more than scratches. How did you never notice them before? You’ve never seen him like this, in this light.

“You can,” he pants, “please.”

The skin is hot when you touch it, and you wince just thinking about how it must feel, but Seungmin doesn’t make a sound when you graze over it. He does, however, let you know that he likes it when you push your nails in again. One more swipe and you see blood.

You stop, and he doesn’t ask you to do it again—instead, he pushes in fully and stays there, kisses and sucks at your neck, nibbles a little, but nothing like what you did to him.

“Good,” he sighs and pushes your thighs upward, and he starts to move in and out, slow at first, but he can’t help himself. His breath catches as he speeds up, and loses himself in the moment, but still, he stays in your neck, moaning against your skin, and breathing down your back…into your ear where he whispers a fuck…fuck, as if he could come any second.

“Slow,” you knead your fingers into his hip, hold him off a little bit, “slow down, relax.”

Seungmin listens and does his best, but it feels too good.

“We have all night...all night”

But this is what he needs. He wants it now. This will make him feel better. All of this. The sting of his back, the gentle throb from each little bite mark, you squeezing so tight around him.

You place a hand on his shoulder. “I’m not going anywhere…Seungmin?” Then move it to the nape of his neck, being careful not to touch the scratches.

This time, he slows much more, almost stops. You worry for a moment and wonder if the words didn’t fall quite right on his ears, but you meant want you said—you’re not leaving.

“I do want you…all night,” Seungmin smiles, and he lets out a laugh tinged with nerves, as if he’s embarrassed about admitting exactly what he wants, or what he needs.

“Good. Did this…” you touch the spot on his chest, and smear the almost dried blood. Then you touch another. “Did this help?”

“A little”

“Sit up,” you hook your arm around his neck as he rises, and now you can slide onto his lap. “Hold onto me.”

Seungmin holds you where you are, hands on your hips, eyes on the space between you. You lift yourself, and you don’t have to tell him what to do—you’re more than ready for him again, and his cock slides in smoothly as you come down.

“Oh, that’s good.” Seungmin is smiling again, and his satisfied laugh is much less anxious. He grabs the back of your shirt and pulls so he can see everything as you move up and down on him…”neomu johda” he mumbles under his breath, “nice and slow,” lifts your shirt over your head, and both arms wrap around you.

“Much better, yeah?”

His presses his cheek against your chest, and you can feel his nod.

“I don’t mind working for it”

Seungmin laughs again, and turns his face to kiss wherever he can get to; your shoulders, your throat, down your chest to the soft skin of your breast. He’s surprisingly gentle when he gets there, and even more so when he runs his tongue around your nipple. He stares up at you, eyes wide and shining, as if he’s waiting for something…your reaction, your approval. It’s not a side of him you’ve seen—you didn’t think he even had a side like this.

You run the pad of your thumb just under his eye, where a faint scar shines in the light, and he smiles again. His face disappears against you, so all you see is the top of his peachy-colored head. Seungmin squeezes you close before letting go, and he falls back to rest on his palms.

“Cute”

His eyes open even wider, “what?” And he very slowly lowers himself as you push him flat on his back. “Me?”

“Maybe”

“Maybe?”

“You know what would be really cute?” You ask.

“What’s that?”

“You…coming for me”

Seungmin smirks when you laugh, and slowly rolls his hips, “so I can come now?” Your laugh turns to a moan. He does it again, and takes your hands in his. “How’s that feel?” He asks, already knowing the answer.

“Don’t stop”

He doesn’t. Seungmin rolls his hips, sliding in and out so smoothly, but the stretch, the pain—this pain feels so good, just like his pain, your bites and your scratches. And the pressure as you finally get all of him in, when your body finally slams into his hips, Seungmin moves faster and faster, pulling you down close enough to kiss as he fucks you. He bites softly at your lip, slides his tongue against yours. The kiss throws you over the edge, and your orgasm hits so fast, and so hard, you scream right down his throat. His cum runs warm out of you as he slows, and stops, but you keep kissing, and Seungmin returns it.

“Okay,” you don’t want to, but you pull away to breathe, and Seungmin pulls you back for one more, “okay.” You lay down on him and try to catch your breath, listen as he catches his, and close your eyes to the feel of his chest rising and falling. One hand slides across your shoulders, and the other sets at his side, fingers fidgeting and picking at the blanket, and everything feels good, and normal.

The rumble in his chest as he groans and sighs brings you back a little, but you’re not ready to be back quite yet. It’s too nice, laying here on his chest, listening to the wild beat of his heart. But you give in, and look up at him—Seungmin is just as relaxed, maybe more. You slowly lift yourself off of him, and pull at the blankets, but you’re the wrong way around, and covering up isn’t easy.

“Seungmin?”

His eyes open slowly, and then immediately shut again.

“Turn over, so I can look at your back.” He listens, but this time, he winces in pain when the skin moves and stretches. “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”

Before you get up, you have to give your legs a stretch, and before you can walk, you stand for a moment and adjust. As soon as your shirt is back over your head, you carefully head to the bathroom, trying not to trip in the dark. The hand towels are in the very last drawer you check, but the water comes out ice cold, just like you need it.

You lost yourself with him. Pushing him on his back was stupid, and a few of the scratches broke open even more.

“How does it feel?” You ask, and very slowly drape the cold towel across his shoulders. He winches again, but it’s quickly followed by a sigh of relief. “It hurts now that the moment is over, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, but it’s not as bad as it looks. I promise.”

Even if you do believe him, you can still see the pink of his blood coming through the opposite side of the thin towel. It spreads out and connects and starts to look like angel wings…butterfly wings. You think of the old note in his music box.

“Are there lots of butterflies in the greenhouse in spring?”

“Hm?” Seungmin lifts his head and tries to look at you, but you’re too far back. “Butterflies?”

“Yeah,” maybe you shouldn’t be mentioning the greenhouse right now, or bringing the trip back to his mind, but…he was happy for it. “The heliotrope and the asters, butterflies love them.”

“Yeah, you’re right…that’s why—“ he stops himself and lays his head back down on the bed, “that’s why they’re in there. Why do you ask?”

“Uhm, no reason…it just came to mind”

“We’ll see in a few months, I guess”

In a few months. In the future. That’s a nice thought. Will you both still be here? You look down at him and wonder as you gently lift the towel to inspect. “Do you have any antibiotic ointment?”

“You don’t have to do all that”

“Bathroom?”

Seungmin nods.

/ / /

He stares at you from his spot on the bed, right side up this time. Seungmin is on his stomach still, with one pillow fluffed up under his head and chest. You can’t tell for sure, but he might be a little annoyed at you for covering him in cream and making him stay still.

“Are you going to sleep?” He asks in a small voice. “Are you tired?”

“No, I’m not anymore…but you look tired”

“I’m always tired,” he turns away and pushes his face into the pillow, “or I always look tired.”

“No, you don’t. Just very pensive, and sad, and handsome.”

“Handsome? You said I was cute.” His face is still mostly hidden, but you can see one eye peeking at you.

“Yeah, you’re cute when you think really hard, or when you’re worried”

“So, all the time?”

“All the time”

The quiet that falls over the room is nice—it’s not awkward, or filled with questions. There’s no tension. Seungmin just lies there, eyes closed, comfortable and content, and he doesn’t move when you lay down next to him. You could fall asleep if you allowed yourself, but you could also lay here and look at him for a little while longer. All night. You pull the blankets higher, grab a second pillow, and something familiar catches your eye. The little yellow puppy rolls and falls between the bed frame and the wall, but you catch him just before he disappears. “Do you walk around on your own?” His big black eyes stare silently, and they remind you of someone.

“Do I look sad all the time?”

There they are…they open so wide, and he seems to focus on a spot somewhere behind you—somewhere in the dark where the light doesn’t reach.

“No, you don’t look sad right now”

Seungmin reaches out and takes his friend by the paw, squeezes it. Now he looks sad, as if something suddenly started weighing on his mind. You glance to the table where his pills sit, and wonder, stupidly, if you should ask about them—ask very gently if he’s given them a chance. Not tonight, though. “Does he have a name?”

“Hm? Oh…him, yeah he does. His name is Daengmo.” Seungmin smiles as he says it, but it matches the rest of him; sad. “Daengmo,” he whispers.

“Does it mean anything?”

“Yes, daengdaengie is for puppy, mo is…uhm,” he stops and thinks. Or hesitates. “Mo, for a nickname I had when I was little.”

“Mo? Your nickname was Mo?”

“Mo, or Seungmo. My mom called me that when I didn’t listen…when I misbehaved.”

“Maybe I should be calling you Mo”

The sad look fades a little, “because I’m bad?” Seungmin lifts himself up on his elbows and turns on his side.

“You are, objectively, sometimes. But…” Seungmin does bad things, and you’ve witnessed some of it. He’s lied, and he’s manipulated. He might still be lying, for all you know. But he’s also told you truths. You’re choosing to trust him right now, just like you’ve been since he brought you home, because he has shown you a surprising amount of kindness even though it was clearly difficult for him. “No, I don’t think you’re bad," ...because you think you might be in love with him.

“I’m glad you think that. I am, though. I’m a nightmare."