Regulus Last Letter - Tumblr Posts

his last letter ༊*·˚

masterlist ◦ askbox

synopsis: regulus writes you a letter before he goes to the cave

My Dear Y/N,

If you are reading this, it’s too late for me.

I am writing you from my room, at 12, Grimmauld Place. My doom is hanging on my neck like a rope. It’s heavy and unbearable. I can already feel it dragging me down.

That night, that I sneaked out just to meet you, I gave you a promise, that I was going to change, that I was going to be good. You said you loved me either way and nothing mattered to you.

It mattered to me though, because I wanted to be good. I wanted to do the right thing. The time has come to keep my promise and be good. And if the right thing is going to cost my life, then so be it.

Y/N, my dear Y/N, I need you to know that I’ve changed. I need you to know that I did the right thing, that in my last moments on this earth, I was good.

I am writing to you determined to do what I have to. Y/N, my heart, please forgive me.

I wish I never had to write this letter to you, but I know that my road has no return. It’s not just me being pessimistic, no. I can feel that this is not going to end well for me, for us. The earth has prepared a deep and narrow place for me and I can do nothing but get in.

Please forgive me for not meeting you tonight. Forgive my sloppy handwriting. Forgive fate. Forgive Kreacher, the bearer of the bad news, and please don't be mad at him. Forgive me.

If I regret one thing in this life Y/N, is not giving you more kisses, not hugging you tighter, not saying « I love you » every minute of every day.

Light of my eyes, a million hearts wouldn’t be able to carry my love for you. I love you unfathomably, no words can describe it. If only you could jump into my body for only a few seconds, you’d see for yourself. But I would never let you. I love you too much for this. You are everything to me.

You were the first person that made me feel truly loved. I know, my brother loves me too, or at least he tries to. I don’t blame him for taking his distance. After all the things I’ve done, I feel disgusted in my own skin. But you… how could you not be disgusted? How could you not leave me? How could you be there for me? How could you love me? People like me don’t deserve to be loved. I wouldn’t love me... I don’t love me; myself, what I am.

The only times I’ve ever loved myself are the ones spent with you.

You made me feel like I wasn’t as bad as I thought. I had a good side, I wasn’t always as menacing and misanthropic as everyone believed me to be. With you I felt like a person, normal, I wasn’t a burden. You truly did love me and your love made me beautiful. Honestly, I’m still not sure why you loved me like that. But I know you did. I could feel it every day, even in our worst moments.

I need you to know, you are the one and only for me, and you will always be. No matter what happens to me tonight, my soul will always be with you. I will always be yours. You will be my last thought, and my last breath will be your name.

I love you.

I’m afraid that you’ll forget me. Me, and everything we did together, everything we were.

Please, think of me sometimes. But not the bad things; the fightings, the tears, the sadness, the fear… think about the good things.

Do you remember the night after that stupid Ravenclaw party? I was pissed. I could barely walk and, oh Merlin, I was so, so dizzy. You couldn’t stop laughing watching my anarchist side come to the surface, as I was going up and down in front of Dumbledore’s office. I thought it’d be hilarious if we managed to get inside and burn the place to the ground. Well, we didn’t do that, obviously. From walking so fast, I ended up sick, vomiting in front of the gargoyle. I could still listen to your voice, as I was holding my knees, letting my guts out, and your laugh — I love it so much when you laugh. You then walked beside me, pulled my hair back, looked me in the eyes, and kissed me. I was staring at you like an idiot because I was too drunk. You smiled and then hugged me with your warm hands, your smell being the only thing I could sense.

That was the moment I first realized you love me. Who else would kiss the lips of a person that was vomiting only seconds ago?

I’ve never told you, but until now I’ve been thinking of that moment. Why would you be so kind to me? To me, of all the people on this Earth. And how can you love me?

Remember this time I was crying so hard without a reason, and I was just so angry that I was kicking the bathroom door and I was completely out of control? That day was terrible. I was hitting the wall so hard that my fist started to bleed. You had never seen me like that and I knew you were scared of me, but you hugged me tightly and didn’t let me go until I calmed down.

I asked you that day, why didn’t you leave me alone? Why did you have to be there? You said that you loved me so much nothing could drive you away. When you left I cried and didn’t go to class.

I was so confused. But I knew one thing, I wasn’t one hundred percent evil like everyone wanted me to believe.

We had so many dreams and plans that will never come true. I should’ve left this whorehouse when I had the chance. I should’ve left with Sirius. If it wasn’t for my ego... And then, when we were done with school, it was foolish of me to stay at my father’s funeral. We could have been in the countryside now, married, away from everyone. I really wanted to marry you, to spend the rest of my life with you.

I’ll stop thinking about that.

You have no idea how much it hurts knowing that you are reading this letter. It feels like a knife twisting deep into my soul.

Please, Y/N, you have to understand why I did this. I had to. I owed it to everyone. I owed it to myself.

I know it’s very selfish. I left you just so I can live up to the expectations I built for myself.

I am never going to see the day that awakens with you ever again, but I hope the light of the world is bright and gentle to you. I hope the people are good. I hope you smile and laugh every day. I hope you think of me sometimes, just once in a while.

My love, my heart, please don’t do anything crazy. Stay alive, do it for me. Live. I need you to keep going. If you love me, keep going. And please, get out of this place. Go to your friends, to my brother and Remus. I don’t want you to be here. And don’t even think about passing by my house.

I don’t know what else to say. I wish I could write you everything but time is running.

Please, know that I am not scared. I am not scared at all. I want to do this. It’s my decision, probably the only one I’ve ever made.

Don’t forget to burn the letter.

It’s so cold here and I can't stop remembering. My heart has no mercy on me.

I love you forever.

R.A.B.

sink ༊*·˚

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synopsis: regulus is gone forever and you can’t believe it

for a more painful experience read his last letter first

Death is said to be the great equalizer. Laying low the rich, the poor, the chaste, and the glutenous. Yet in the end, it is not the one who dies that feels the most sorrow, but rather those around him. The ones who loved, and were loved, the ones that stayed behind.

It wasn’t a bang, an apocalypse, or some biblical disaster that ended your world, but some sloppily written words on a crumpled paper.

It's so cold here and I can’t stop remembering. My heart has no pity on me.

I love you forever.

R.A.B.

Your lips twitched still looking at the paper, forehead slowly creasing as you brought the paper close to your mouth until it touched your lips. It was his damn scent, his damn handwriting, his damn words.

« Is... », you pressed your eyes shut for a second and then lightly shook your head, glancing at the Elf that was standing right in front of you, frozen like a small statue. « Is this some kind of sick joke? » His eyes fell to the ground at the sound of your voice. What could the poor thing say to console you when he could barely console himself?

Kreacher chose not to reply. Words didn't matter anymore.

The last words that mattered were his, and he had spoken them.

You sealed your mouth, biting hard your upper lip as if trying to rip off your skin.

« Kreacher, » you held your tears inside, "this isn’t funny." Your body felt hot, yet you were shivering. You were paralyzed, yet your jaw was trembling.

You were utterly shocked, unable to understand the words that were written on that paper. The world was crumbling around you and you were the last one standing.

The Elf breathed out and shook his head. You leaned yours trying to catch his stare and forced a small smile that fell immediately.

« This isn’t funny, » your voice cracked pressing your mouth hard.

Kreacher slightly raised his gaze only for your glossy eyes to meet his cold orbs. Your lips separated studying carefully his features. Puffy cheeks stained with droplets, a long hooked nose colored in a red shade all enlarged from crying, pinkish thin lips. You locked eyes, but he couldn’t keep looking at you with that minimal shadow of hope you were still carrying in your heart. The grief was too heavy for him and was pulling his weak body down.

« Please, tell me this is a joke. »

« Master would never joke about something like that, Miss. »

« Then where is he, Kreacher? », your brows knitted together trying to comfort each other. « He was supposed to be here. He promised to be here. »

You wished you could’ve misinterpreted the silence of the creature, but even if you did, nothing was going to change that didn't that slipped from his mouth seconds ago.

Nothing was going to bring him back.

« Why isn’t he here? », your eyes were sparkling from the boiling water beneath them, floods concealing behind the painful expression of loss. Kreacher breathed out heavily looking at your stare.

« Y/N... », he spoke softly.

« Where is Regulus? », you asked tears slowly streaming down your hot cheeks as you squeezed your eyes to stop them.

« Y/N... », Kreacher repeated giving you a pleading look.

« No ! », you cried loudly.

« Master Regulus won’t come, » his stare fell to the ground.

At these words, you gradually took a shaky breath, pulling up your nostrils. Your expression deformed, giving place to anger and the rage of a Maenad. Your eyes turned hard and flinty, glaring tightly at the Elf, which took a step back, his face questioning your look.

« Where is Regulus ? », you asked clenching your jaw to control your voice. Kreacher shook his head.

« I-I can’t say, » he glanced at you horrified. Kreacher swore that he saw flames coming out of your eyes that night. You were terrifying to look at, like something written by Edgar Allan Poe. « He wouldn’t want you to know. »

« Where is Regulus ? » Every word came out with a small pause as you walked forward to approach him. The poor Elf had never seen you like this, no one had. He shook his head.

« I promised- »

« Where the fuck is Regulus ? », you yelled loudly. Without getting a response, your hands fumbled on your clothes bringing forward your wand. « I swear, Kreacher, if you don’t tell me where Regulus is... I will fucking kill you. »

« Y/N, Regulus- Regulus is gone. » Your eyes twitched and your hand trembled uncontrollably, pointing at the Elf.

« Don’t say that ! », you cried. « Tell me where is he or I’ll kill you ! »

« Regulus is dead ! », poor Kreacher cried back. You had to hear it and accept it. Besides, he didn't really care about his life anymore, not without his Master, his friend. You pressed your lips into a hard expression and blinded by pain and sorrow you spoke.

« Avada Kedav- »

You didn’t finish your sentence.

You couldn’t finish your sentence.

You threw your wand away and fell to the ground sent into spasms filled with kneeing grief. Devastated and enraged you burst into tears.

No one could understand the pain you felt. It wasn’t the one with the screams, tears, and sobs. It was the other one; the one with the welled eyes and sobs that were coming up to your throat, and you would rather bite your lips and let the painful tears choke you, break your heart in pieces, than allow them to get out for the world to see.

And as you stayed there, curled to the ground, away from the world and everything that was alive, with Kreacher’s shaky hand on your shoulder and his last letter pressed against your chest, murmuring over and over those same words, he promised to be here, like a prayer coming out of your lips, his scent traveling from the paper to the world, you felt the memories that once warmed you, tearing your bones apart.

And as your hand slipped to the dewy grass, you wondered how could the Earth allow this to happen. Of all the times, the Earth decided to take him at that specific moment, when the branches were blooming and the spring was painting the ground.

Oh, Regulus, you thought, can you listen to me from up there ?

Without knowing it, you were with him, always on his mind. You were the only reason he had doubts about what he was going to do. He thought about returning so many times he had lost count along the way. But that was him keeping his promise. Being good and doing the right thing.

Regulus was sitting on the ground. It was so cold, colder than his house, colder than any place he had ever been to. So cold, that was spreading shivers to every part of his body. His breath was coming out along with salty tears traveling all the way down to his neck.

It was cold, dark and there was water.

He stood up. It was time.

Tears were still stained in his eyes, but he didn’t plan to wipe them because they were for you and he wanted something of you to be with him in his last moments, to somehow have you by his side and feel less lonely in that pitch black abyss of a cave.

He tried to smile thinking that you might be watching him from a corner and laughing at his expression. He didn’t want to look like a coward in your eyes.

Regulus took a deep breath.

The only thing that was comforting him was that in the distant future, you would meet again one day, and then all the nights, all the stars, all the songs, would be yours.

Without much thinking, he walked into the cave.

It was even colder, ever darker and water was everywhere.

And just so you know, his last thought was you. And his last breath was your name.

loving someone doesn’t save them ༊*·˚

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synopsis: in which harry appears on your doorstep & asks questions about R.A.B.

It was a tragedy for everyone else, for everyone who only knew him by his last name; but for you, it was like ripping out a part of your heart and then leaving back shattered pieces collided with the weakest glue. No one prepared you for this - he didn’t prepare you. Even the night you last saw him; he gave you a kiss on the lips, a smile, and said: « Goodnight. »

If that sick feeling was a bottle you would've broken it, if it was a wall you would've torn it down, if it was a piece of paper you would've cast it into the fire. But no, your heart was sobbing for days, months, years, and you were doomed to spend the rest of your life with a hole inside your chest that couldn't be filled.

You hated him, mostly because he said he loved you and because you had plans and he gave you his ring as a promise with a kiss and a « don’t worry everything’s going to be fine. » How could you love someone that didn’t prepare you for this? That didn’t tell you to hug him tighter that night or to say that you loved him one last time before he left once and for all. Maybe you didn’t know him as much as you thought and for the rest of your life, you would always have an unanswered question; why didn’t he give you a sign.

After eighteen years you were able to forgive him. But you never forgot about him.

You started a family away from London in the countryside, away from everything and everyone. Your husband - a muggle - didn’t know about your past and you had never opened the door of that haunted house filled with screaming voices of friends and family. Your kids were your priority, two happy little girls that wanted to play in the garden all day under the sun.

However, the sun had abandoned you the last few months and the sky was always veiled, misty with storms and rains. No matter the attempts of the Daily Prophet to reassure you and quieten your concerns, you knew something terrible was about to happen. You had seen it happening before, spreading and destroying everything in its passage. Everyone you loved was dead because of this.

And all of your suspicions came true when on a rainy afternoon thunderous poundings were heard on your door.

Your husband was in town and you were working in your office as your girls were playing in front of the fireplace. It was only natural for you to feel a knot in your stomach and your body instantly freezing.

« Mom, someone’s on the door! »

You left your typewriter aside and got out of your office. The shape of a person was printed on the glass, a man. You weren’t expecting any guests and your husband had car and keys with him.

« Girls, why don’t you go upstairs? », you smiled at them. They both looked at you unsurely with that childish expression of concern and the need to protect their mother.

« Is something wrong, mommy? »

« No, no, love, » your voice came out gently as you held their soft cheeks. « Just go upstairs. » They obeyed your words hesitantly, giving you second glances over the pile of toys gathered on their hugs, and turned to the upper floor.

Once they were out of sight, you ran to your office to get your wand and then back to the entrance. With a quick move, you raised your wand and the door opened wide, letting you point to the person that was standing there.

« Hi, » he said not really paying attention to your wand. It was a young man, a boy not even eighteen years old. « I’m looking for Y/N L/N. » For a moment you stayed there, your blood running cold in your veins, frozen, with your heart skipping beats. It couldn’t be, it was some kind of sick joke.

Your lips separated studying each and every one of his features. Rain was pressing down short black curls, droplets dripping down his half-closed eyes, and trailing lines across his dark skin. He had glasses on, foggy and stained; the same kind of glasses your best friend wore years before he was lost - murdered. But it couldn’t be him. He took them off and wiped the water with his fingers before your gaze met a deep brown, honey set of eyes - Lily Evans’ eyes.

« Harry? », you let your wand drop. He stared at you.

« You know me? »

« Don’t just sit there, come in, » you opened the door wider for him to pass inside, letting the sound of it echo behind you. Your eyes examined him. You hadn't seen him since he was only a baby.

His stare roomed the house as he gave you his jacket, seeing pictures of your children, you, your husband.

« I’m Harry, Harry Potter, » he turned back tenting his arm forward.

« I know, » you smiled at him and shook his hand. You kissed both of his cheeks and gestured to the living room. « I’m Y/N. » Your eyes kept staring at him until you caught the uneasiness in the air, so you took a seat on the armchair. « Can I bring you anything, Harry? »

« No, no, thank you, » he shook his arms sitting on the couch across from you.

« I suppose everyone tells you, you are just like your dad. Except for the eyes, of course. Those are Lily’s. »

« You knew my parents? » You smiled.

« Oh, I didn’t just know them, we were friends - best friends. I have so many stories to tell you. »

« I’d love to hear them all, » Harry said.

« And I also have a photo album. » You haven’t seen that grin and that spark in a pair of eyes for years, and the truth was, you had missed them more than words could possibly describe. « But first, you have to tell me the reason of your visit, Harry Potter. »

His cheerful expression slowly faded, clouds passing by his features. Fingers fumbled in the pocket of his jeans and without losing any time he brought out a necklace, a locket - the locket.

Your eyes exchanged a look between the locket and Harry, fear marked on your face as he offered it to you and you just shook your head pulling back.

« Where did you get this? », you asked not being able to change your gaze away from that devilry.

« Do you recognize this? », Harry questioned. You raised your eyes slowly shaking your head.

« Harry, I don’t know where you found this or what you intend to do, but please stay away from it. »

« What do you mean? »

« Where did you even find it? Did you go to the cave? » Harry furrowed his brows. You realized at that moment, he probably didn’t expect you to know and maybe it was for the best to stop yourself. But you had questions and you were sure the same applied to him. « Is this the one? »

« No, this is the fake one, » Harry said opening it and bringing forward a small piece of parchment. He offered it to you which you took hesitantly. You read it. A slight smile twitched on your lips. The handwriting, the damn handwriting, and that R.A.B. that had always been his way of signing notes or letters. « R.A.B. », Harry spoke. « Regulus Ar- »

« Arcturus Black, » you interrupted him. His eyes looked up at yours that rested on that old parchment. Your fingers traced the surface of the last words he left in this world. You rubbed your sight, a hot sense lurking behind, ready to blur your vision, and pressed your lips together tightly. « Regulus Arcturus Black. » It had been years since the last time you spoke his name out loud. You had forgotten the sound of it. It was nothing more than words in your head, but when said those three words, magically, it took life again.

« The locket belonged to Sirius’ brother, » Harry spoke as you gave him back the note. A mischievous smile slowly appeared on your face that made the boy feel uncomfortable facing someone who knew the person he was trying for months to do an introspection to.

« Is that the reason of your visit? » Harry looked at you with the fullest and deepest stare. He spoke quietly but steadily sure of what he was saying.

« You knew Regulus Black. You knew what he was trying to do. You knew everything. »

« I didn’t know anything, » you replied.

« I don’t believe you, » Harry said. You furrowed your brows and allowed your looks to meet. It was interesting talking to him. He had Lily’s straightforwardness and sharpness, and James’ expressions.

« Why are you here? How did you find me? »

« I found letters of yours in R.A.B.’s room. » With these words the muscle of your jaw clenched. You never imagined that your personal writings would be read by someone other than him. The feeling of anger was boiling under your skin. The only thing that held you back, that didn’t erupt the volcano inside you, was that he was a kid. « Hard to find. They were very well-hidden. »

« And how did you find out my name? », you asked. You always signed with a pseudonym that only a few selected people knew about.

« Professor Lupin helped me with that. » That's when you let a small smile appear on your face again and sat better back on the armchair.

« Professor Lupin? », you chuckled. « The old bastard... »

« I need to know, » Harry said seriously which brought you back to the conversation. « You knew Regulus Black. You knew. »

« I’m afraid you are losing your time here. I knew Regulus, » you told him. « I didn’t know. He didn’t let me know. »

« Why? »

« Because he loved me. » Harry didn’t speak just watched your expression change. He watched the way your jaw muscle broke, that bitter smile on your mouth and your head lightly shaking. You bit your lower lip and shrugged. « Because he knew exactly what he was doing. And because he knew exactly how it was going to end. » None of you spoke after that. « I don’t know anything, Harry, truly. He never prepared me or anyone else for this. »

« I don’t understand why he did that, » his voice cut those few seconds of silence. He shook his head, eyes fixed to the ground, giving to your piercing stare glances every now and then. « I don’t understand him. »

« You know, » you breathed out. « At first I was mad at him - maybe I still am a little - but through the years, I realized that that was his way. Regulus just followed his heart without giving any explanation to anyone. He acted with his senses and his emotions and did the things he considered right. Regulus didn’t care about the price. He could even pay with his life. »

« Sirius told me he was a stupid idiot whose only ambition was to join the Death Eaters. »

« Sirius loved him, Harry. But he didn’t know him at all. Nobody knew him really, I’m afraid. »

« What about you? »

« Barely, » you shrugged sadly. « He didn’t let me know him, he just let me love him. But does it matter now? Loving someone doesn’t save them. »