Ridicule - Tumblr Posts

I try to pronounce words and names correctly.  Not in a pretentious “Oh, well actually, Gloria, the q is silent” type of way, but  a trying-to-be-respectful-and-not-a-shitty-white-person type of way.

He took a special interest in ridiculing me incessantly for this.  He made me feel like an idiot and insecure about every attempt I made. He loved it when I failed. I stopped trying when he was around.

Occasionally I have to make calls to clients at work.  I spend at least twice as much time practising their names under my breath as I do going over the details of their case. 

I still hear him laughing in my head.

Nothing tastes as good...

TW - for ED perhaps?  

He was superb at exacerbating issues and insecurities I already had.

I have a love/hate relationship with my body.  Rationally I can say that I am an athletic woman and even at my heaviest I was not overweight. And even if I was, I personally do not find a person’s size has any bearing on whether or not they are attractive.  But when I look at myself in the mirror, all I see are problems that require fixing.

I’ve talked a bit about anxiety, magical thinking, and my propensity for self harm as punishment. These seeds I believe were planted before he came into the picture.  However he kept them well watered.

First it was about food:  There was the nonsense about me doing all of the cooking.  Following that, he would get angry if I did not have dinner on the table exactly when he wanted it regardless of how unreasonable that expectation was. So the solution was to go out to eat a lot (and wait for someone else to cook the meal? Just one of those illogical things I didn’t question).

I like eating out - variety is great, and I can usually find something tasty that is at least marginally healthy. Yeah, that often means salads, but I promise you it’s not a bad way to go if you know how to order.  

However he wasn’t having it.  Salads tend to be about the same price as an entree, or as he put it "expensive for nothing." Money was always a concern for us me, particularly at the beginning of our cohabitation when we were broke.

So I had to start ordering food that he deemed appropriate. I put on a bit of weight.  And, boy, he loved to tell me about it.  Sometimes it was direct, like when he told me it looked like I'd  had a baby knowing fully that my stomach was the part of my body that I was most insecure about.  Other times it was a bit more subtle - checking out women, or sending me pictures of women he thought were outrageously attractive who were all quite thin and noticeably thinner than me.  

The worst by far was the sinister and vindictive things. Like when he would grab some “fat” during sex and wink at me.  Or talk about how guys in his industry have it so rough because their wives let themselves go and then wonder why their husbands turn to escorts for satisfaction.

My reaction was probably not shocking:  I went through a very destructive phase of extreme calorie deficient eating.  

It was the perfect way to hurt myself.

You are reborn!

You are reborn!

Enjoy this new place you are in. It doesn't need a name but if it were to have a brief one, it can be called Balance.

.

#11082021

My Issues...

This goes out to all the people with "issues" physical, mental, and emotional...all of it.

I have been diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I also have an intense fear of driving and I worry about EVERYTHING! Had a mental breakdown in the middle of Chemistry in High School. I was almost expelled for my subsequent "episodes." I do my best to work through these issues on a daily basis. Sometimes I kick ass and take names with them, but other times I just want to curl up into a ball and drown out the world. It sucks, but you deal with the cards you're dealt.

Physically, I was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure last year. Before I was told this, I was trying to live with over 100 lbs. of fluid. I could barely walk or do basic chores. I couldn't even bathe myself. I had to have my mom help me. I could hardly breathe without wheezing because of the fluid in my chest. I couldn't even sleep in a bed because it aggravated my breathing, having to sleep in a recliner so I could breathe at night.

Some of you who see my obsessive posts may think I am just some sorry-ass moron that lives in their parent's basement because I'm lazy or a good-for-nothing, hopeless piece of shit (trust me these thoughts cross my mind daily.) However, my fandoms and ships and being able to talk about them on here without feeling weird keeps me grounded and sane. I NEED to share what I share because I want to make friends here and be able to talk about my interests.

I am saying this to lay my heart open. I also want to reach out to people who also have "issues" and "problems" that may have been put down for things they have said or done on here that caused people to ridicule them.

To those who ridicule people like me or those like me, please note: You don't know what someone goes through or has gone through on a daily basis. Your words can hurt more than you could know or even intend. Just be careful out there, okay?

Sorry for the rant!