Setbacks - Tumblr Posts

I feel like I've been thrown back in my self-healing journey and unfortunately I re-entered old, self-destructive habits.

And that's okay. Having setbacks is okay.

It happens. It doesn't mean that I'm worthless or need to start at 0, it just means that I need to work on my discipline and habit consistency.

I think many people, including myself forget that it's human to make mistakes and face setbacks and that it's okay to take a step back and retry.

Self-improvement is a journey. It has bumps in the road and that's okay.

My last attempt to contribute to Whumptober this year. Somehow I made it on time! (at least in my time zone) Fandom: Linked Universe - Fandom, The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Additional Tags: Self-Harm, But it's not as detailed as my last two stories yay, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Whump, At least I hope it can be considered that, Legend (Linked Universe) Whump, Legend (Linked Universe) Angst, Angst, Legend (Linked Universe) Has a Bad Time, Legend (Linked Universe) Has Issues, Good Sibling Hyrule (Linked Universe), Supportive Hyrule (Linked Universe), Protective Hyrule (Linked Unvierse), Hurt/Comfort, Author is sleep deprived as always Series: Part 3 of The Nature of Dreams Summary:

Legend breaks a promise, and Hyrule teaches him even the strongest people are allowed to have weaknesses.

Whumptober day 31: Setbacks, "I thought that I was getting better"

emptiness / setbacks / take it easy (I thought I was getting better)

Writhing on the cold hard floor of the bridge of the ship, Spike swallowed a scream of pain with considerable effort. He clenched his eyes shut, clenched his hands into fists, curled his body into a fetal position, and tried not to throw up. 

He hated this part of convalescence. The part where he pushed himself too far too fast and either hurt himself or wound up relapsing in some way. The setbacks that Jet always warned about. It was frustrating to prove the other man right when all he wanted to do was be back to normal. Back to physically fit. Able to lose himself in the meditative realm of Jeet Kune Do. The emptiness wasn't as omnipresent when he was able to slip into the calming mindset that the martial arts exercise offered him.

Panting, shivering, furious at the world and his body's limitations and the bleakness of his own mind, Spike nearly jumped out of his own skin when a hand clasped his shoulder to roll him over onto his back.

"Take it easy!" Jet ordered. "You torn it again, didn't you? Well, just hold the fuck still and let me stitch it back up."

Of course it was Jet. Faye had been giving him the silent treatment since he was brought back to the ship. Her determination to ignore or avoid him was doing him no favors. If anything it added to the maelstrom of troubled thoughts and ever-present tides of guilt that washed up and over him daily. Guilt over getting Jet shot. Guilt over leaving Faye while she was having a breakdown. Guilt over getting Shin killed. Guilt over Julia... Guilt over Vicious... Guilt over Annie... Annie! ...that one hurt the worst, actually. Jet and Faye were pissed but alive. Shin and Julia and Vicious were all deeply involved in the Syndicate of their own accord, he'd never recruited any of them - hell, he'd tried to get Julia out for all the good that had done in the long run. Annie, she was an arms dealer for the Red Dragons, sure, but that was supposed to be a form of protection. A role that kept her out of the line of fire. The fact that they'd turned on her - whether Vicious or the Van - solely based on her past association with him...

It made his gut churn. She was supposed to have immunity. She was never supposed to die.

His fault. It was all his fault.

"Hey! You with me?" Jet's voice again. Concern covered with anger.

"I thought I was getting better," Spike spoke mulishly earning an eye roll from Jet as he finished sewing up the torn stitches along Spike's hip.

"You would be if you just relaxed for a damn minute. You're not invincible, you know. That showdown might not have killed you but if you get this wound weeping while I'm not around... or if those bullet holes wind up infected after all..." Jet huffed. "Anyway, just rest. You used to do that all the time, it shouldn't be that hard. The couch has been waiting for you to come back to it."

Spike finally took his eyes off the ceiling to frown at the other man's attempt at humor.

"Jet. I need to take a piss. Wanna lower the gravity for me?"

Jet eyed him suspiciously. "You gonna sprawl out after that? If you're just trying to make it easier on yourself to work out..."

"No, dad, I already ripped myself open enough for one day. I just don't wanna struggle down the stairs. I'll lay down afterwards. I'll even let you bring me some fucking broth for dinner."

Grunting, Jet turned from him to attend to the counsel that governed gravity on the ship. Spike found he was almost curious enough about their location to inquire but decided at the last moment not to ask. He was on a liquid diet. He was grounded from the zip craft and grounded from bounties. It was pointless to wonder where they were, what the next target was... it would be weeks at least before he was allowed to help again.

Dammit. He was glad to be alive - wasn't he? Sometimes he wasn't sure if he was happy about it or not, truthfully. Outliving everyone he'd once known was rough. The one person who had been through a similar fate - not a bloody coup, but losing everyone they'd ever known in life - was acting like he was a ghost. Regrets faced off against guilt over which would torment him during the snatches of slumber he was able to achieve. He'd been refusing pain killers because he didn't want to accidentally fuck himself up worse by not noticing due to numbness.

Besides, pain pills did nothing to combat the emptiness.

The yawning pit that was the heart and soul of Spike Spiegel.

Too stubborn to die, too apathetic to truly live.

There had to be a breaking point eventually. Slogging through each day was misery.

He heard Jet clear his throat before the other man reached down to help haul him to his feet. It was much easier to rise up now that the gravity had been reduced.

"Spike."

"Yo."

"I'll patch you up every time you do this to yourself, you know that. But someday you're gonna have to realize you don't gotta keep punishing yourself for living."

"I'm not..." He trailed off with a scowl. Was that what he was doing? He deserved the suffering, he knew that much.

"Whatever you say, man. Just... it's good to have you back. It'll be better when you can pull your own weight again but... well, regardless, I'm glad you're here."

Jet's words gave him a strange feeling in his chest. They didn't often - ever - have heart-to-heart chats. They weren't vocal about their actual feelings. It was all too easy to assume that the others were upset with him for abandoning them, for putting them at risk, for being an invalid when they needed everyone pitching in to afford to eat. Spike wasn't sure how to handle what Jet had said. He looked the other man in the eye, nodded, and then gritted his teeth as he pushed off the floor to float through the bridge and head for the bathroom.