Suicudal - Tumblr Posts - Page 2
being sad for most of your life makes you feel more comfortable in a grumpy mood then when you are happy
i get over so many things for you but you can't even respect one simple request for me?
you take up so much space in this room and i take up none
yk i'm scared for you my friend but
it's your life so what can i do?
i genuinely don't know if everybody fucking hates me or if i'm just so used to hate that i can't see someone loving me
sometimes i wonder if other people too don't like to talk about the 'good things' they did cause they feel like they are tricking people into thinking they are a good person and manipulating them into liking them
it's all getting bad again now that the euphoria wore off
CW- SUICIDE!!!
This is going to be a series kinda of Xia in questionable situations (which is the name), this is the first one. It's name is "Pans and Guns". To describe what's actually happening basically Xia set up some pans in a specific order, afterwards tries to shoot the pan in front of her. The bullet would go to the other pan one by one till it shoots her in the head. It was a fail and the bullet missed her. But that's all. Okay, byyyyyyye! :>
Sayonara Shinjuku
The girl stood on the edge of the skyscraper. Her heart was etched in darkness like the night sky above. She looked down upon the apathetic citizens of Shinjuku as they went about their boring lives.
Salarymen rushing to catch the last train.
Drunken vagrants hassling for change.
Nightwalkers bringing their clients into love hotels.
" What a drag." She muttered.
Up until a week ago, her life was normal.
Up until a week ago, she had no reason to die.
But now?
Her feet were almost off the edge.
Her body balance was supported only by her heels.
" Goodbye Shinjuku. I don't need you anymore and I'm sure you feel the same way about me. Oh. I'm sure you won't be missed either." The girl said while staring at her stomach.
The father discarded them with a callousness she thought impossible. He had fed her so many expert lies about love and commitment. She dutifully kept their relationship secret from students and faculty just like he insisted. "They're jealous of our love. They'll try to tear us apart," he told her.
She thought she was doing right by her lover. He repaid her affection with bruise marks and crumpled dollar bills. The girl wondered if she would make it on the news after this. That would make it impossible for her to be ignored. An ideal ending.
With one final step, her body plummeted.
The lights and sounds of the city all became a blur.
In a moment, she would become red splatter.
She'd be forgotten by the next morning.
No more regrets.
No more bitter sentiments.
All she had left were the memories of one week prior.
Tw: Failed Suicide attempt, Suicidal thoughts, Self harm (hinted), Abuse of Power, Psych Wards, Implied other forms of Abuse, Severe Mental Illness, Forceful Medication (Mentioned)
My time in the mental hospital wasnt fun. Of course no ones reallly is but regardeless. It wasn‘t necessarily the worst, but i have some horror stories. Like when an adult patient came into the childrens ward becuase he was „still in highschool“ and was loudly argued with and then had to be dragged out by the police. Or when i got put in the bad corner for tapping on the wals during quit time and then when i asked for a pen and paper to write down my feelings ,a coping mechanism we had just talked about in group, i was denied and then was left becuase someone else started having a breakdown and asked to be moved to the other mental illness timeout corner so i was less likely to hurt myself ,literally taking initiative and attempting to do the best for my own mental health, and was then called attention seeking for bothering someone when my fellow patient was having a breakdown (the guy who i was asking permission from was just sitting at a desk). What i hated the most was the fact that i wasn’t allowed to say goodbye to anyone because they took me away during quiet time and when i started arguing they threatened to keep me for another week. Sure i have more stories, there was a nine year old who was both suicidal and homicidal, but guess What? She was nice. She had to be put on paper only gowns, lived in the white room, had to be forcefully fed meds, and had been to that specific hospital 5 times alone, and she treated me with more compassion then any of the nurses did. We were friends, i helped her draw, and she confided in me terrible things she had not told anyone about her home-life because i treated her like a human. I never saw her again. The point to this, above all else, is that this system doesn’t work. I felt just as suicidal as I had before but now I was more scared to tell the truth about that because I didn’t want to go back. The people in power have no one to check that they are actually helping and the patients become inmates more often then not. And I know that ill try and commit again, and i hope to god that i‘ll succeed, because i can not go back there again.
I don’t deserve to die.
Not because I deserve to live.
But because I don’t deserve the sweet release of death.