It's Difficult For Me To Discern If This Anxiety And Social Panic Was A Part Of Me Prior To And Exacerbated

It's difficult for me to discern if this anxiety and social panic was a part of me prior to and exacerbated by him, or if this is purely a symptom of him.

Having met him as a teenager I really can't tell what problems were mine to begin with and what he caused.

He has been too much a part of the creation of me.

Tossed out a group invite, included the woman I’m into right now. It’s been 6 minutes and no one’s responded ( or read the message).

My brain is telling me it’s because they hate me and are rolling their eyes at the message preview.

My therapist insists that throughout the dark months I must go outside for at leat 10 mins a day. On top of everything else wrong with my noggin, SAD is a pretty real thing for me.

I am on the verge of throwing a temper tantrum about it, but I'm going to do it.

When does the bubble baths and chocolate mousse portion of self care begin?

All I can think of when I’m trying to add the bio is:  Hi, I’m broken.  Don’t make sudden movements when we’re in close proximity. I may lose my shit if we have sex. I will probably cry hard for no apparent reason.  In public.  And there’s a 60% chance I’ll ghost you without warning.  Oh and I like hiking, reading and food n shit.

I’ve just impulsively installed Tinder. Someone talk me out of this.

Humiliation in parts - Part One

TW - reference to a sexual act under the cut.  Also, just... way too much information about me.  There is a lot of things I won’t be tagging here.

In the thirteen years he and I were together I think I can count on one hand, maybe two, the number of times he performed oral.  Yeah.  And when he did it wasn’t exactly ‘enthusiastic.’  He tinkered just enough to make us both uncomfortable, and give him the gall to say say “but what about that Tuesday last month?” when he was making some unrealistic demand.

I never pressured him to do it, hell, I didn’t even ask for it. I wouldn’t want him to do something he had an aversion to (though I’m sure we could speculate why he didn’t want to do it).  However he ensured that it was never something I actually wanted or asked for.

This time last year he took another woman to St. Lucia.  I paid for between 60 and 70% of this trip.

It was supposed to be ours.

Ghosts

Driving in our his neighbourhood this evening. That tightness in my chest returned.  I held my breath when I drove past our his road.  

The neighbourhood is haunted.  Cursed.