Sorry For The Meltdown Last Night. That Was Dramatic.

Sorry for the meltdown last night. That was dramatic.

I still feel guilt for telling him "forever" and not sticking to it.

Im reading through all the text messages in the last year because I'm trying to find something specific. I have a year's worth as I purchased a new phone around the new year in 2017.

If he wasn't telling me to buy something for him, he was telling me how awful I am. There is basically no other content. For an entire year.

This truly isn’t an ask, I tried to message you and it wouldn’t let me for some reason. I’ve been scrolling through your tumblr and skim reading your posts. And some of them, and the qualities your abuser possessed, and the crap he would say to you in your texts you have posted remind me of my husband! My husband is abusive and he gets to deny it while I relive it. He’s not anywhere near as bad physically or with requirements. However, I am glad you are no longer in a bad situation. Bless you!

Continued: And this is the same person on anon as the other message, I just want to say I know that you’re healing, and I am so glad that you’re sharing. Your story can save lives. I’m stuck, and I cried reading your posts. It’s like seeing my life from the last 2 years in a way, and when I start feeling better after I leave? He starts to love me. It’s horrible being a pawn in a war waged unjustly in your own self and then have it be played out as Love. I see love so askew now, and I still love him.

Dear Survivor,I am so sorry you’re feeling stuck and that you relate to any of this. Our hearts have lived on scraps for too long and no one can feel whole like that. Nor can you come out the other end without scars.

I can tell you are kind and brave; reaching out takes courage. You can message me any time. I hope you feel a little stronger every day.

-EDG

Mockery

TW - vague reference to sexual assualt, calling my assailant by what he is, coercion

After my assault my dislike for anal penetration skyrocketed. At the time he didn’t know the reason outside of the physical discomfort. Silly me for thinking “I just don’t want to, I don’t like it” is reason enough to not have to perform a sex act. Not having a “legitimate” reason for not wanting it made it fair game to badger me about it.  It wasn’t every day, but he regularly requested it, lamented my aversion, and using emotional blackmail to get it.  

Admittedly, I gave in quite a few times, which is how I managed to get to a point where it didn’t physically hurt anymore. However that did not mean that I enjoyed it.  

Each time was traumatizing to various degrees.  The event itself less so than  having to agree to that which was demanded of me by Rapist.  Mix in the stress of pending pain and discomfort, getting the prep just right (which included me fasting because I’m paranoid) and the anxiety of something going wrong (have I ever mentioned he was a germaphobe?) and you have the recipe for the  most unsexy sexual experiences I’ve ever agreed to.

I thought his attitude would have changed after he found out what had happened to me. 

I was very wrong. 

Voicemail received 2:31am

  Transcript:

{My name},

I..... apologize for trying to reach you as much as I have.  What I wanted to say to you I figured you wanted to hear.... So.... that being said from tonight on I won’t call you anymore.  If you get this message and you want to know what it was..... call me....Thank you.