Voicemail Received 2:31am

Voicemail received 2:31am

  Transcript:

{My name},

I..... apologize for trying to reach you as much as I have.  What I wanted to say to you I figured you wanted to hear.... So.... that being said from tonight on I won’t call you anymore.  If you get this message and you want to know what it was..... call me....Thank you.

Every day I remind myself that I should mourn for the past I lost to him and not the future I think I’ve lost without him.  

Before you pass judgment on one who is self destructing….❤️

SI

Tw - suicidal ideation, Plans.

I've lied to everyone who has ever asked. I have had a plan for a while: run my car off the road on the highway at the highest speed I can manage. Run into a pole or cement barrier.

That way, it could look like I just lost control and the people I love wouldn't have to torture themselves wondering what they could have done to prevent it. ( Ps. The answer is : Nothing).

So now you know. Plans ruined. Can't do it now.

Oh but, heads up, if you hug me for 3 seconds longer than I am comfortable, I may panic and bite you.

I am an adult, and, I’m sorry, I can’t help the fact that I just need a damn hug today.

I try to pronounce words and names correctly.  Not in a pretentious “Oh, well actually, Gloria, the q is silent” type of way, but  a trying-to-be-respectful-and-not-a-shitty-white-person type of way.

He took a special interest in ridiculing me incessantly for this.  He made me feel like an idiot and insecure about every attempt I made. He loved it when I failed. I stopped trying when he was around.

Occasionally I have to make calls to clients at work.  I spend at least twice as much time practising their names under my breath as I do going over the details of their case. 

I still hear him laughing in my head.