I Dont Want To Have An Ed I Really Dont Its Not Fun Its Not Cute Im Not Myself But I Also Cant Imagine

I don’t want to have an ed I really don’t it’s not fun it’s not cute I’m not myself but I also can’t imagine gaining weight again I would never want this for anyone else

20 years ago, i was a terrified teenage girl slowly starving herself to death, who had just been admitted to the eating disorder ward of a major hospital because my heart was ready to give out. i was months away from graduating high school or dropping dead, it could go either way.

i cannot believe how much has changed, and how far i've come. not one fucking step has been easy. but every fucking step has been worth it.

You’ve done nothing wrong by eating. The guilt and discomfort will pass so please be kind to yourself.

We will not be girlrotting in April. We will be girlblooming girlburgeoning girlflourishing

Here's what weight gain looks like as the after picture

In four days, this picture will have been posted ten years ago. This was me as a 15 year old in high school. I had starved and abused my body to make it thinner. I hated myself. The only value I felt was my proximity to thinness. I was severely depressed and suicidal. I had endured abuse and trauma as a child, and that left me vulnerable to being taken advantage of by my "friend" on the right who abused and traumatized me further before throwing me away as soon as I told her "No."

I look even thinner in this picture, yet my face was still and always will be fat. My face was one of the biggest signs that my body I starved was meant to be fat from the beginning. The "friend" I mentioned in the other photo is cosplaying Nemo here. The 22 year old woman cosplaying Gill in this photo had an intimate relationship with me at this time when I was 15 years old. I was extremely vulnerable and grieving unbearable loss, and she used that to groom me. I look at these pictures and see a 15 year old girl who was suffering and only had her proximity to thinness to feel pride in. There was no happiness. So many points in my life I was close to developing a full on eating disorder because I had been told for two decades that my body was ugly, disgusting, and the physical equivalent of sin.

This is me ten years later at my brother's wedding. I gained back all of the weight I lost back then and am heavier than any past moment of my life. I still have mental disorders that make my life painful and difficult to live, but I am no longer suicidal. I no longer am fruitlessly chasing the thin body I was always told I was supposed to have. I have a healthier relationship with my body than I ever did in the past, and I'm making immense progress on my recovery. I don't starve myself anymore. I don't exercise for two hours a day on high levels that are dangerous for me. I intuitively eat and know that diet culture and fatphobia are wrong. I am closer to fully recovering than I've ever been.

This is what a glow up looks like.

(Fat fetishists, porn blogs, and thinspo blogs: Do not reblog this post or I will destroy you.)

I literally never cry but I am rn I think I needed this blog I have only had it for like an hour but now my thoughts can be buffeted between cute animals and gorgeous people and food that looks too good to be real I’m glad I can be alive knowing others have been through what I’m going through and they survived and so will I