Haunted By The Look In Your Eyes
Haunted by the Look in Your Eyes

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Angstember Prompt - “It was all a lie.”
The day your life fell apart started out like any other. You woke up in bed, Javier was already awake and smiling at you, the sunlight dancing over his skin making him look even more beautiful. The two of you managed to drag yourselves out of bed and get ready for another day working on the Escobar case, long hours that saw little progress though that part hardly surprised you.
Javier had left work early, telling you and Steve he had a meeting with an informant. You had tried to find out who Javier’s newest informant was, you knew it wasn’t his regular girl Vanessa or any of the other workers, but Javier refused to tell you, said he didn’t want you to know anything in case it went bad. That was enough to set you on edge but Javier never budged and you eventually stopped asking.
You had stayed at the office for a few more hours, no new information coming across your desk and eventually Steve and you called it a day, the man offering to drive you back to the apartment complex since Javier had left.
As you said goodbye to Steve and headed up the flight of stairs to your shared apartment with Javier nothing felt wrong, nothing in you was screaming that this was it, this was the moment your world fell to pieces. Instead it felt like any other day. You walked into your apartment, dropped your bag by the door and headed into the living room.
It wasn’t until you saw Javier sitting on the sofa, head in his hands and a file on his lap that you realised something was wrong, though nothing was warning you just how wrong things were about to get.
“Javi?” You called softly and watched as the man jumped, as if he hadn’t heard you walk into the apartment.
It wasn’t until he looked up at you that you realised something was truly wrong. His eyes were red as if he had been crying, something that immediately set you on edge because in the entire time you’d known Javier you couldn’t ever recall seeing him cry. He also looked absolutely heartbroken, his eyes were wide as if almost pleading for something, his hair messy from where he had clearly been running his hands through it.
“Javi?” You asked again when it was clear he wasn’t going to say anything, your own voice shaking slightly as you were left in suspense.
“Tell me it’s not true.” He pleaded, voice breaking as he spoke in a way that made your heart ache. The words had your eyebrows knitting together in confusion, shaking your head as you failed to understand what he was saying. “Tell me you're not working for Escobar.”
Your knitted eyebrows loosened as your eyes widened, you swallowed against the sudden lump in your throat as you tried desperately to think of something, anything to say. It was a tense few moments of silence as you and Javier stared at each other.
“Please,” Javier begged, face crumbling as the silence stretched, “tell me you’re not with that bastard.”
“Javi,” was the only word you seemed to be able to stutter out, Javier’s eyes fell closed as his hands grabbed the folder in his lap. “Why-” but before you could ask he was holding it out to you and you took it with shaky hands.
You swore in that moment your heart stopped beating as you pulled photographs out of the folder. There, clear as day, was you sat across from Pablo Escobar. There were at least nine photographs, all from different days and all of them clearly showing you and Escobar together. You couldn’t look away from them, even as your stomach churned, it wasn’t until Javier spoke that you remembered he was in the room.
“You’re working with him.” Javier said, he didn’t question it, he didn’t need to. Right now to him it was obvious who your loyalty was to and it certainly wasn’t to the DEA, wasn’t to him.
“Javier let me explain.” It was your turn to plead with the man now, to beg him to just listen to you but there was a look in his eyes, heartbroken and defeated, that had your blood running cold, somehow knowing that no matter what you said to him it was already too late.
“All this time you’ve been working with Escobar. What were the two of you laughing this whole time about how easy this was for you?” Javier taunted, heartbreak and betrayal being disguised with anger and hate.
“It's not like that.” You protested but Javier just scoffed at you, finally standing up to turn away from you. “It’s not!”
“Of course it’s like that! You’ve watched us nearly kill ourselves trying to get even the smallest bit of information about Escobar, watched us come so close to him only for him to escape and this whole time it’s been you telling him when to run!” Javier snapped, his words becoming louder and louder as he spoke.
“I didn’t have a choice!” You snapped back, tears filling your eyes as you silently begged the man to listen to you. “When Pablo Escobar comes into your house, surrounded by men armed with more weapons than you can count and threatens you, you don’t tell him no, that’s not an option. You say ‘si Don Pablo’ and you do whatever he tells you to do.”
“And Escobar told you to sleep with me? To get me to open up to you, to fall for you?” Javier yelled turning back to face you, hands running through his hair again before they came to rest on his hips. “That was Escobar’s grand plan?”
“Javier-” You pleaded but he cut you off.
“Was that Escobar’s plan or was that something you did all on your own? What, did you get a kick out of fooling the DEA agent?” He scoffed, trying to shove down the too many emotions that were coursing through his veins.
“I didn’t mean to fall in love with you!” You exclaimed, the words coming out of your mouth before you could even process them. You felt your own eyes widened, watched as Javier’s widened at the confession you hadn’t meant to let slip out but you didn’t regret it, wished like hell you could have said it at any other time but you didn’t regret it. You couldn’t, it was time to be honest with him, you owed him that much. “When Escobar ordered me to work for the DEA my plan was to give him the bare minimum, to give him just enough information to keep me alive but enough for him not to suspect I was keeping anything from him, enough for you to be able to surprise him. I never meant to get this close to you, never meant to let you get involved with this but then- Javi, nothing between you and me was a lie.”
“It was all a lie.” Javier told you coldly, “You’ve lied to me since the moment we met.”
“I couldn’t tell you the truth, surely you can see that. You of all people know exactly what Pablo Escobar is capable of.” You told him, still fighting to keep your own tears where they were, not letting them fall.
“You didn't think I would have helped you?” He snapped, “You don’t think I would have done everything to keep you safe?”
“Javi-” You started but he cut you off again.
“No, I would have helped you, I would have burned the world to keep you safe but you didn’t trust me.” The words were filled with hurt and betrayal, his eyes shining with tears even as he glared at you.
“That’s not fair and you know it.” You told him, hurt clear in your own voice as you blinked harshly, desperate for the tears to go away.
“No, you know what’s not fair is the girl I let down every damn wall for has done nothing but lie to my face, watched me work my ass off and beat myself up day after day, watched me blame myself for not being quick enough to catch the bastard when you’ve been feeding him information that leads to his escapes. That’s what is not god damn fair!” Javier fumed, pacing back and forth as he spoke.
You knew he was right, knew you were in the wrong. How could you hold him on the nights where it got too much for him, nights where he could do nothing but blame himself, nights where he had worked without sleeping before the exhaustion hit him, all the while you were the one telling Escobar when and where the DEA were going to be.
You just wished he would see things from your point of view, the one of a scared woman, alone in Colombia, the one surrounded by Escobar’s men, men who weren’t shy about showing off their weapons, all the while the man himself sat before you with a plan to get you into the DEA and promises that disguised threats about what would happen should you refuse.
But you knew Javier was angry, too angry to even begin seeing things from your perspective and you couldn’t blame him. This was a man who had built his walls so high and so thick as to keep everybody out and yet had knocked them down as easy as a house of cards just for you, the man had shown a side of himself that hadn’t been seen by anyone for a very long time and you had just shown him why he had built those walls in the first place.
You couldn’t blame him for being angry, couldn’t blame him for whatever he decided to do next. You wished things could be different, you had known from the second he had asked you out for drinks that nothing good would come from getting close to the man and yet you had let yourself get to know him, let him get to know you, watched as his walls fell down and yours crumbled for him.
“You’re right,” you finally said after a long beat of silence, your voice broken and defeated as you finally looked away from him. Your gaze fell down to your feet as the tears that filled your eyes threatened to finally fall. “It wasn’t fair, none of this was fair.”
There were no words spoken for a while, only silence filled the apartment. You couldn’t remember a time when silence was the only thing to be heard, usually the TV played quietly in the background, the radio playing a song that made Javier pull you into his arms as the two of you cooked in the kitchen, the man twirling you around, the sounds of laughter filling the space. The silence felt wrong but you wished for it to return once Javier broke it.
“Leave.” He finally said. The single word, cold and emotionless, sent an ache through your chest as you looked towards him again. Wide, watery eyes pleading with him but he just shook his head before you had the chance to open your mouth. “Just, just leave, leave the DEA, leave Colombia. Just leave.”
You wanted to beg him to hear you out. You wanted to desperately scream and yell at him to understand that you had no choice, that you were powerless against a man like Pablo Escobar.
You knew leaving Colombia would be near impossible, what with the amount of people Escobar actually owned in the city he’d be notified as soon as you started packing your bags. Yet you couldn’t be mad at Javier’s request, not when you knew it wasn’t out of hatred or malice. You knew that to him this was the only option he could give you, the other being he would have to turn you over, tell everyone you were spying, that you were passing highly sensitive information that people had risked their lives to get right over to Pablo Escobar.
Javier still cared about you despite how badly you had messed up.
You had known you should have told him. Maybe not in the beginning when you didn’t know him from anybody else but after the two of you became friends, became more than friends, once the two of you started sharing stories of your lives, secrets you had never planned on telling anybody, once you started to trust one another, that’s when you should have told him. There were so many chances to tell him Pablo Escobar was threatening you, that you had simply been with one wrong person, happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and somehow ended up being dragged into a world you were completely unprepared for. Instead you buried it, pretended you were a real DEA agent, with a real boyfriend and forgot how easily it could be taken away from you, forgot that you wouldn’t be the only one hurt by this.
Looking at Javier through watery eyes was heartbreaking, his own eyes were teary though he was doing a better job at hiding it. You could see the way his jaw clenched and how his knuckles were almost white at his sides. After a few moments you nodded, swallowing against the lump in your throat.
You knew you had to leave, how you were going to do that you didn’t know, all you did know was that Javier wasn’t going to forgive you, not for this, not when you were the one thing stopping him from getting the man he wanted.
You had gone from somebody he had fallen in love with to everything he was fighting against in a matter of minutes.
“I really am sorry, Javi.” You managed to choke out, the tears finally making their way down your cheeks and for a moment Javier looked like he was going to step forward, his hand twitching upwards as if to wipe your tears away before it clenched even tighter and he nodded back, moving so you could walk past him.
It was one of the hardest things you had ever had to do but somehow you forced your feet to move, forced yourself to walk past Javier and tried to ignore the feeling of your world falling to pieces as your hand touched the door knob. You stood there for a moment, frozen as you realised this was the last time you’d see Javier, the man you were in love with, the man who had every reason to hate you.
You took a deep breath and opened the door. As much as you wanted to turn around you forced yourself not to, not to turn and beg and plead with him, instead you respected his request and mustered up enough strength to walk out of the apartment. The door fell shut behind you and you let your head fall back against it, eyes falling shut in an attempt to control yourself, to try and calm the tears until it was safe to break down.
Now you were truly on your own, the man you loved had shown you one final act of mercy by not turning you over but you knew that was all he would give you. The look in his eyes would haunt you for a lifetime, no amount of running would get it out of your head.
Pablo Escobar had truly ruined your life but you didn’t doubt for a second that he would pay for what he had done. You hoped that with you out of the way, no longer there to give the man the warnings he demanded, that Javier could do what needed to be done.
The man was going to pay.
_________________
Javier Peña Taglist -
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More Posts from Imaginesfordifferentfandoms
Soon You’ll Get Better

Prompt - 'Holy orange bottles, each night I pray to you, desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too.’
Owen knew he had to tell you. He had told Judd, as hard as it had been to say the words out loud for the first time, he had told him. He had told TK, or more accurately TK found out himself and Owen could no longer deny the truth, could no longer smile and pretend it wasn’t real, not when TK had looked at him with those wide, watery eyes and a tremor in his voice.
He knew he had to tell the team but he couldn’t do that because he had to tell you first. He knew Judd and TK wouldn’t tell you but they had both had countless conversations with him about how you needed to know and he knew they were right. If he were being honest with himself he was holding off telling you for the same reason he hadn’t told TK back in New York when he’d found out, he was scared.
Owen Strand was scared and it was easy to put on a wide smile and hide behind it, to push the diagnosis to the back of his mind and enjoy the time he had with you. He liked to think he was a strong man but this was different, it was different in the same way he was weak opposite TK who was hurt and terrified, he was weak because he didn’t think he could stand seeing the fear in your eyes, the look on your face every time you looked at him knowing that the cancer was eating away at him. He couldn’t stand the thought of you looking at him like he was already dead, nothing but a walking corpse.
He hadn’t known you very long but it was long enough to know you were special, to know that you would be somebody who changed his life. He cared for you deeply, from the second you walked into the firehouse and flashed him that warm smile before sitting opposite him and TK to talk about your place in the 126. He liked to think he had done a good job hiding how much he liked you from your half hour meeting but the second you left TK had turned to him with a wide grin of his own and Owen rolled his eyes as he told him to shut up before any words even left his mouth, something that only made TK smile wider.
Working alongside you was thrilling, Owen had had partners before but the way the two of you moved with each other, always knowing what the other was thinking without either of you needing to voice anything wasn’t just helpful in your line of duty but it also made Owen smile every time he thought of your silent communication, knowing that you had become so close after only a few weeks together. He let himself think of a future, he had to because he refused to think about what could happen if the chemo didn’t work. He let himself think of months or years working side by side with you, the two of you in perfect sync. It was a thought that made sitting in the hospital slightly more bearable.
Owen knew you weren’t stupid. He knew you had noticed him sneaking off during shifts only to come back slightly shaky and pale, he had gotten lucky that you hadn’t pushed it, only asking if he was ok and making sure he had a bottle of water when he returned. He knew this wouldn’t last for long though, eventually you would start pushing, asking him what was wrong and the last thing he needed was you dragging him to Michelle.
So he had to tell you, something that was easier said than done.
It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried. In fact countless times he had invited you over with the intention to tell you about the cancer only to back out at the last second, pushing it to the back of his head as best he could before focusing on your company. He had called you into his office multiple times where there were no distractions before he always decided against it, telling Judd and TK’s disappointed looks that telling you at work wasn’t the best idea.
But he knew he couldn’t put it off any longer and swore to himself that today was the day he would tell you.
He had already invited you around for a dinner he was in the middle of cooking, TK had left the house with a warning that he better tell you tonight and Owen would make good on that promise.
Things between you and Owen were good, the two of you had been close from day one. It felt like you had known each other forever, there was no awkwardness, no strained silences. The two of you got to talking and immediately hit it off. Owen knew it was going in a good direction, he knew you liked him and God knows how much he liked you. He had seen the hints when you had been over at his place, knew that if he had just leaned in and kissed you that you wouldn’t have pushed him away.
But he couldn’t. It didn’t feel right to start something with you without you knowing about the cancer. He wouldn’t judge you if it were too much, if you decided to just be friends and stop the flirtatious looks and teasing remarks. He’d be devastated, no doubt about it, but he would understand. Jumping into a relationship with a sick man wouldn’t be ideal.
By the time you were knocking on the door Owen felt like a nervous mess and without any alcohol to soothe his nerves he felt ready to back out of this conversation again.
All the stress seemed to melt away as he opened the door, seeing you standing there with a smile on your face brought a matching one to his. You weren’t dressed up, you had long since switched from that to a more comfortable attire with the more time you spent at Owen’s house and yet somehow you still managed to take his breath away.
“Can I come in?” You laughed, causing Owen to snap back to reality and smile wider at you, shaking his head to clear his mind as he opened the door wider for you.
“Please do, dinner’s almost ready.” Owen told you as he took your coat. “Beautiful as always, dear.”
He couldn’t stop his smile from widening even as he knew the eye roll was coming.
“You okay? You sounded…I don’t know you sounded weird on the phone.” You asked as you leaned against the counter and watched Owen walk towards the pans resting on the stove.
The silence stretched for a moment too long and you frowned as you stared at his back, watching as he tensed up before seemingly forcing himself to relax.
“Owen?” You asked again and heard him sigh before turning the heat down.
He turned to face you with a serious and almost sad look on his face causing you to look at him warily, not sure what bad news he was about to deliver but knowing it was coming.
“Hey, talk to me.” You prompted softly, watching as Owen let his eyes fall closed as he took a deep breath. “It’s me, whatever it is we’ll deal with it.”
Those words had Owen smiling and opening his eyes to stare at you in wonderment. God, you were too good for him, he had no idea what he had done to deserve even meeting you. Here you were, so ready to stand beside him and create a solution to whatever it was that was bothering him.
If only it were that easy.
“I was going to wait until after dinner to tell you.” Owen began, feeling like his throat was swelling up on him.
“Tell me what?” You asked, keeping your voice soft even as your brows knitted together as you looked at him in confusion.
“C’mere,” Owen said, knowing full well he was doing nothing but buying himself a few more seconds of living in a world where you didn’t know but there was no going back now.
You let your fingers entwine with Owen’s when he held his out for you, squeezing his hand reassuringly as he led you to the living room and onto the sofa. Neither of you let go of the other as you sat next to each other, nor did you move your legs when your knees brushed together.
Owen opened his mouth only to close it against every few seconds, sure he had gone over what he was going to say to you a thousand times and that was all well and good but actually sitting here beside you, your hand in his with your thumb brushing against his skin, it felt impossible to get the words out.
“Hey,” you said quietly, not talking until Owen looked over at you and you smiled sadly when you saw fear on his face, “whatever it is I’m right here.”
Owen forced himself to swallow around the lump in his throat, his eyes suddenly burning at your words before he took a breath and nodded.
“I don’t know how I got so lucky finding you,” Owen murmured and took comfort in how your smile shifted and brightened your face. He let himself relax as he looked at you for a second longer before forcing the words out. “I should’ve told you a long time ago but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”
“Tell me what, Owen?” You asked again and Owen squeezed your hand before he spoke.
“I’ve got cancer, Y/N.” There, the words were out. He had actually told you and even though a weight was still resting heavily on him he felt a little bit better knowing that you knew, that going forward he was being totally honest with you even if it meant losing you.
Owen never took his eyes off you as he told you the secret only four people knew, five now that he included you. He watched as your eyes widened, watched your skin pale, saw the way your mouth fell open and tears filled your eyes seconds later once the words fully hit you.
He hated that he was the reason for such a reaction, he only wanted to draw smiles and laughs from you.
Then there was the fear that clouded your eyes, the fear he so desperately didn’t want to see. You were scared for him and Owen didn’t want that, he didn’t want you worrying that every second you spent with him would be your last or if he was suddenly going to kneel over mid conversation.
“Y/N, I’m alright.” Owen said when minutes had passed and you had yet to say anything. His words seemed to snap you back to reality and you swallowed around the burning lump in your throat, feeling tears well in your eyes as you stared at Owen.
“No, you’re not.” You whispered, a hundred questions racing through your mind.
“Hey,” he said softly, not letting go of the hand he was holding as he lifted his other to cup your cheek and wipe the few tears that had leaked out. “I’m really ok or as ok as I can be. I’m on the treatments the doctors want me on and they like my chances. I’m ok, sweetheart, I promise.”
You leaned into the touch on your cheek before shifting forward to press your forehead against Owen’s and heard the soft chuckle as he held you close to him, both of you silent for the next few minutes as you took in what he had told you.
“You said you're on the treatment, does that mean chemo?” You whispered, not wanting to move away from him.
“Yeah, yeah they have me on chemo. That part is hard, I won’t lie but they say it looks good so I can’t complain.” Owen reassured you and you nodded against him, needing another moment to take in everything.
“Does TK go with you?” You asked, hating the thought of Owen going through this alone.
“He has been but he only found out not too long ago-”
“You’ve been doing this alone?” You asked him, interrupting whatever else he was going to say.
“Of course that’s the part that upsets you the most.” Owen chuckled but brushed his thumb across your cheekbone, keeping you in place when you went to pull away. “It’s not too bad, well except for this guy who comes in when I do and, well story for a different time but I’ve been ok.”
You nodded again and let the silence stretch despite having more questions to ask, wanting to know exactly what type of cancer he had, how far along it was, how long had he been on chemo, how long had he been dealing with this alone if TK only found out recently? Instead of asking them though you squeezed Owen’s hand in yours and lifted your free one to rest on top of his still resting on your cheek. Owen smiled as you turned your face slightly to press a soft kiss to his palm.
“I really don’t know what I did to deserve you.” He told you again and you shook your head with a smile because really it was the other way around.
Seeing Owen sat in the hospital chair, wires connected to a machine and a needle being pushed into his skin, made your heart ache. He looked tired though and yet even now, even when he was the one who needed you to be brave, there he was smiling over at you and reaching a hand out for you.
“I’m alright.” He assured you and you couldn’t help but laugh softly.
You forced yourself to relax in your seat as you reached for his hand and squeezed it softly, letting your thumb brush against his skin as you smiled at him. Even though he knew you were scared you couldn’t tell him that, not whilst he was the one suffering.
It was hard to hide your fear though, under the hospital lighting Owen looked exhausted, his own fear well disguised for your sake no doubt. You knew it was your turn to push away how scared you were, Owen needed you to be brave right now.
It had been two weeks since you found out he had cancer, weeks you had spent trying to come to terms with it but it seemed impossible. Owen having cancer seemed like it wasn’t real, how could this man, this charming, confident, caring man suddenly be sick, be in a hospital chair getting treatment for cancer?
It didn’t seem real and yet here you were with him.
In the two weeks you had known you had familiarised yourself with orange bottles filled with different pills, listened as Owen explained what they were for. More than once you had raised the issue of if he should be working, if he should be running into smoke filled buildings when he had lung cancer but each time he brushed you off and told you he wasn’t going to give up his job.
Some nights you found yourself so consumed by fear it felt like you were going out of your mind, the idea of losing Owen…
Every time TK called you you got a burst of anxiety, expecting the worst and then having to swallow down how scared you had been for a second once he started talking and everything was fine. You had never been heavy on religion, never found much comfort in praying but you had spent countless nights since finding out praying to anyone who would listen that Owen would be ok.
“I know you are.” You told him, proud when your voice didn’t shake.
“You sound like you actually believe that.” Owen told you with a laugh and you couldn’t stop your smile from widening.
“Of course I believe it,” you told him, letting yourself focus on being with Owen, on making sure he was as ok as he could be and not having to worry about you. “You’ll be out of here before you know it.”
“It’s not so bad now that you’re here.” Owen smiled and you squeezed his hand again, watching as his eyes drifted down to them before he raised them to press a kiss against the back of yours. “Thank you for being here, sweetheart.”
“Nowhere else I’d rather be.” You told him, forcing your smile to stay in place and the tears to disappear before they had the chance to fill your eyes.
“I can think of a hundred different places I’d rather take you.” Owen chuckled and you found it easy to laugh with him causing his smile to grow.
“Soon you’ll get better and we can go wherever you want.” You grinned at him and he kissed your hand again as he smiled over at you, completely enamoured by you.
When he told you about his cancer he had expected you to put distance between the two of you, to put a stop to the flirting and the touches, the lingering gazes, he expected all of it to stop. Never in all the scenarios he had played out had he imagined you sat at his side at every doctor's appointment or chemo session, never had he pictured you squinting down at orange bottles, frowning at the long words and googling what they were.
He didn’t know what he had done to deserve you, it was a question he pondered before telling you about the cancer and it was a question that he couldn’t wrap his head around after telling you. He knew you were scared but no matter what you stuck to his side, if he tried to sneak away to throw up you were there with a glass of water and his toothbrush, if he needed a minute to catch his breath you were there comfortingly rubbing your fingers along his back. Whenever he needed you you were there and he thanked God for bringing you to him every day.
He’d get better, he’d seen the chemo out and do whatever the doctors asked of him if it meant he could make good on his promise to take you to the hundred other places he’d rather be with you, to experience a life and a future with you.
Owen Strand would get better and you would be there every step of the way.
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@navs-bhat, @nashja, @alexxavicry, @deathjawd
Thank you for reading!💖
Bigger Than The Whole Sky

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Prompt - 'No words appear before me in the aftermath, I've got a lot to pine about.’
You could still remember the first time you had met Cassian Andor. Both of you had been years younger than you were now, both having seen much more than others your age had. You still remembered how cold and distant Cassian had been with you and remembered how you had practically forced yourself into his life whether he wanted you there or not.
Some days the walls he had built around himself had seemed too heavy to knock down but now, years later, you were glad you had been so persistent in being around him.
He was your best friend, your soulmate, the one person you knew would always have your back and who knew you would have his, the one person you could completely be yourself around and not have to hold back anything. He had seen your worst days, just as you had seen his and you had both been each other's best days.
You and Cassian were inseparable once you had managed to break through his walls though, the two of you were never far from each other. When one of you was sent on a mission, no matter how close or easy, the other always tagged along until the Rebellion gave in and General’s sent you on missions together with fond eye rolls.
It wasn’t a surprise when you found yourself looking at Cassian when he wasn’t looking at you, whether it be sneaky glances from the gaps in your hair or looking up at him from under your lashes. You knew you loved him, there was no doubting that, but you hadn’t ever realised just how deep that love had gone until one mission where you had nearly lost him.
You had watched the building Cassian had entered blow up before your eyes and tears filled them instantly. Your knees gave out and you were on the floor before you even realised it.
You were completely numb but forced your hand to move, pressing down on the comm and begging for Cassian to answer you, only to sob as no reply came.
You had no idea how long you stayed kneeling on the floor, choked sobs mixed with pleading words for Cassian to answer you, for him to be ok, for him to come back to you. Your mind was racing, trying to conjure up a future without Cassian only to come back with nothing and you didn’t know how you were supposed to carry without him.
You didn’t hear the rustle of twigs and leaves as you hunched over, your head resting on your knees as you sobbed for Cassian.
“Hey,” Cassian forced out, throat dry from inhaling smoke. He stumbled over to you before collapsing down in front of you, forcing a comforting smile onto his face even with the pain that seemed to spread across his entire body. “Hey, look at me.”
Your head had shot up, more sobs, this time of absolute relief, escaping you and you immediately leaned into Cassian’s touch when he brought his hand up to your cheek, gently brushing away the tears though they were quickly replaced by new ones. Your own hand came up to clutch Cassian’s and you let your eyes fall closed as he pulled you to him, meeting you halfway and resting his forehead against yours.
“I thought-” You choked out and Cassian gently shushed you, ignoring the pain as he shifted closer to you, moving his head until his lips pressed against your forehead and just letting them rest there for a moment.
“I know,” He murmured against your forehead, “but I’m here, I’m here, Y/N/N.”
After that moment you had refused to keep your feelings to yourself and had waited only until you were back on base and Cassian had been cleared by the medical droid before you had pulled him aside and told him everything, surprisingly unnervous considering your entire friendship was being put on the line.
But Cassian had only smiled over at you. It wasn’t a big smile, it was a shy pull of his lips but his face had lit up at your words before he had cupped your cheek, softly, almost like he was afraid that any sudden movements would break the moment and you would change your mind. You had only smiled back at him and that seemed to be all the reassurances he needed to bring your lips together.
Kissing Cassian was something you had thought about for a long time, hours spent wondering how this moment would feel and now that his lips were finally against yours…there were no words to describe how perfect a kiss it was, no words to describe how everything around you seemed to fade away.
It was over much too soon for your liking and you chased after Cassian’s lips, relishing the chuckle he let out before kissing you softly again, pulling away only to rest his forehead against yours.
From that moment on you and Cassian become each other’s everything. You were the go to team when the Rebellion needed something handling with guaranteed success, you were the first thing the other saw before going to sleep and waking up the next morning. You were the hope the other needed on days when the darkness seemed to swallow the light and you were the arms the other could cuddle into whenever you needed.
For months after you had gotten together, years before you had even begun dating, you had never been separated on a mission so when Cassian was pulled aside one day to be debriefed on a mission that he would be doing solo you were both on edge.
“Give me a reason she can’t come.” Cassian demanded, his hand resting on the small of your back as you stood before the Generals who were shaking their heads.
“We have already told you she isn’t needed for this part of the mission.” One of them said but you weren’t paying attention, too focused on your worry of being separated from Cassian for the first time in years. “Trust in the plan, Captain.”
And so you did.
You watched him leave the base, waited restlessly as time passed for any message from him. You hated having no contact with him, it was the longest you had gone without talking to one another since the early days of meeting him.
“Please let him be ok.” You whispered softly to whatever force would listen to you as you lost track at time staring at the screen.
Somebody seemed to be listening to your prayers though and you let out a silent breath of relief when Basteren informed you all of the message he had received.
“A coded message from Captain Andor, sir ‘weapon confirmed, Jedha destroyed. Mission target located on Eadu, please advise.’”
Hearing that Cassian was supposed to continue on with the plan, that Jedha had been destroyed sent a wave of fear and anxiety through you and you had to fight down the urge to ask to be sent to Eadu, to meet Cassian there and offer your help.
You knew it would only be shot down.
It wasn’t long later that the command room was silent as Basteren tried to make contact with Cassian and his group, the sound of radio static had your stomach turning, mind already coming up with a multitude of reasons he wasn’t answering and none of them were good.
“The signal’s gone dead.” Basteren told the room and you closed your eyes, refusing to let the tears you felt well up fall.
“Squadron up.” Draven said and you opened your eyes to look at him pleadingly but he wasn’t looking at you. “Target Eadu.”
The room became a flurry of movement and you made your way over to Draven, having to jog to catch up to him as he left the room.
“No.” He said before you could even open your mouth and you frowned before arguing.
“I don’t understand why you are suddenly so against me and Cassian working together. For years we have only had successful missions and suddenly-”
“He cannot be distracted.” Draven told you, stopping suddenly in the hallway and turning to you. “This is not a standard mission, we have to kill Galen Erso, if you were there you would only be a distraction. It’s no secret both of you would jeopardise a mission if the other was in danger. That cannot happen here, whatever Erso is building is dangerous, it’s deadly. You must stay.”
“I can’t do that, Sir.” You told him with a frown, knowing his words weren’t wrong. “Cassian’s out there somewhere. The others can focus on Galen, my mission is to get Cassian and K2 out of there.”
There was a moment of silence and Draven knew you were not asking for his permission, he knew no matter what he said you would be making your way to Eadu in the next few minutes and all he could do was sigh.
“You and Andor are going to be the death of me, Y/L/N, I can feel it.” He told you and you grinned at him before nodding your head and heading down the hallway and into a ship.
You flew the ship easily, you weren’t as natural a pilot as Cassian was but he had taught you enough that you were a decent enough flyer, though you preferred it when Cassian was in the pilot's seat and you next to him.
As the other pilots made their way to the base you flew lower to search for Cassian and K-2SO. It felt like you were just flying around aimlessly when you finally spotted a ship that seemed to be grounded and prayed to whoever was listening that this was them and not just some random abandoned ship.
You landed your ship and opened the doors, stepping out and wiping at the rain that fell onto your face, walking over to the ship with a blaster in your hands. You got close enough to the ship and recognised it as one of your own, breathing a sigh of relief though you didn’t lower your blaster yet as you stepped in and looked around seeing it empty.
A noise from the cockpit had you raising your blaster only for you to laugh a second later and lower the weapon.
“Y/N!” K2 said and you grinned at him. “It’s good to see you.”
“It’s good to see you too, K.” You told him just as the ship lit up letting you know it was functional again. “Where’s Cassian? Where are the others?”
“Cassian and the pilot went to look for Galen Erso, the others followed them.” K2 informed you and you cursed, already hearing the sounds of the battle in the distance.
“Get the ship in the air now!” You commanded and K2 didn’t question you as he took control of the ship and had you in the air in moments. “There! They’re there, K2, go down!”
“Shoot Y/N!” K2 ordered and you immediately did as he said, shooting at the Imperial ships before opening the door and calling for everyone to get in, smiling despite the situation as Cassian paused to stare at you in shock before he shook himself and ran onto the ship.
Cassian waited until the door closed to turn to you, seemingly frozen for a second before he pulled you into his arms, resting his chin on your head. You didn’t hesitate to hug him back, the two of you clinging to each other as if your lives depended on it.
“It’s good to see you.” He murmured and you smiled, nodding against him as you tightened your grip on him. “I have missed you.”
“I missed you too.” You whispered, “I hate that they won’t let me be a part of this mission.”
“You lied to me.” A voice said, pulling you and Cassian out of the bubble the two of you seemed to enter whenever you were together, blocking everyone else out.
You heard Cassian sigh against you before he pulled away from you, squeezing your arm gently before letting go and turning to Jyn.
“You went up there to kill my father.” She accused and you couldn’t help but wince, she wasn’t wrong, that had been Cassian’s mission but you still couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. “Deny it.”
You frowned as she continued, continued to put the blame solely on Cassian when he was simply following orders, putting the Rebellion’s needs above everything. You reached down slowly and took Cassian’s hand in your own, giving it a gentle, reassuring squeeze causing Cassian to let out a soft sigh.
“I had every chance to pull the trigger but did I?” He asked her and you couldn’t help but frown. It wasn’t often that Cassian went against orders. “I had orders, orders that I disobeyed. But you wouldn’t understand that.” Cassian snapped and the woman continued to place the blame on Cassian’s shoulders.
“You might as well be a stormtrooper.” She accused and you took a step forward, only stopped by Cassian tightly squeezing your hand before he pulled away and stepped close to Jyn.
“What do you know?” He asked, “We don’t all have the luxury of deciding when and where we want to care about something. Suddenly the Rebellion is real for you. Some of us live it. I’ve been in this fight since I was six years old, Y/N since she was eight! Our childhoods stolen from us! You’re not the only one who lost everything. Some of us just decided to do something about it.”
“You can’t talk your way around this.” Jyn said and you couldn’t help but glare at her, you understood her side of things but she couldn’t keep placing the blame on Cassian.
Cassian was right, the two of you had been in this fight longer than you’d been out of it, neither of you hardly remembered a time before it. No matter how much you hated it, it was your lives and you would do what you had to to see the end of the Empire.
“I don’t have to.” Cassian told her before walking away from her and Jyn’s eyes fell on you, jutting her chin out when she saw your glare.
“I’m sorry about your father but watch how you speak to him, we’ve all had to do things we don’t want to. It’s the only way we win.” You told her before shouldering past her and following Cassian up the stairs.
“You ok?” You asked as you sat next to him and Cassian nodded even as he didn’t look over at you. “It’ll be over soon, pretty soon all this fighting and following orders will be done and we can start something new.”
Cassian’s lips twitched upwards at that, at the thought of all the plans and dreams of a future the two of you talked about, at the thought of them becoming a reality soon and his hands reached over to cup one of yours so you counted it as a win.
“I’m glad to have you back at my side, mi querida.” Cassian told you, bringing your hands to his lips and placing a soft kiss to the back of it.
“Me too, Cassian, being away from you-”
“I will never let them separate us again, after this mission is done you’re not leaving my side.” He chuckled and you joined him, not at all mad at that plan.
“I wouldn’t complain about that.” You told him, the two of you smiling at one another before he tugged you close, your head on his shoulder and his arms holding you tightly, both of your thoughts on a future after the war was won.
From there followed a long meeting with the Council members, a long meeting of listening to Jyn plead her case and you had to admit it was a good speech, inspiring for somebody who hadn’t seemed to care for the Rebellion only a week ago.
“Rebellions are built on hope.” She told the people in the room and you couldn’t help but smile at the words you had heard spoken before by the man you loved, clearly he had made an impact on her too.
“Without the full support of the Council…the odds are too great.” You felt your eyes fall shut at her word before you turned to leave the room after Jyn.
You walked out of the room with her, ignoring the conversation around you as you leaned against the wall, thoughts on surrender after all you had given, after all Cassian and the countless others had given to the cause.
As they spoke you looked up in time to see Cassian stepping forward, a small crew behind him and couldn’t help but beam at him, Cassian catching your expression and smiling back at you.
You should have known surrender wasn’t an option.
“We’d like to volunteer,” Cassian told Jyn and you felt an overwhelming surge of love for the man before you. “We've all done terrible things on behalf of the Rebellion,” He said, eyes glancing over to you and you looked down, thoughts haunted by all you had done since joining.
“Everything I did, I did for the Rebellion and every time I walked away from something I wanted to forget, I told myself it was for a cause that I believed in, a chance to give the people I love something better.” When you looked up Cassian’s eyes were still on you and you gave him a soft smile, watching as he relaxed slightly. “Without that we’re lost. Everything we’ve done would have been for nothing.”
You and Cassian stayed locked on each other as he spoke, out of the corner of your eyes you saw Jyn turn around, following Cassian’s eyes and seeing they were focused on you, a small smile pulling at her lips.
“I couldn’t face myself if I gave up now. None of us could.” The two of you stood like idiots just smiling at each other as everyone else moved into action before Cassian made his way over to you.
His hands came up to cup your cheeks, bringing you close to him as he rested his forehead against yours, staying silent as his eyes slipped closed.
“You can’t come.” He whispered and you frowned, your eyebrows knitting together in confusion but you didn’t pull away from him, instead you stayed silent and waited for him to continue. “I need somebody here I trust and there is no one I trust more than you, my love.”
You stayed silent still, a part of you was screaming that you shouldn’t let him leave the base without you, something about him going felt wrong but you chalked it up to your dislike of being away from Cassian, the time away from him already not doing you good but after this mission you wouldn’t have to be away from him again.
Still it was hard to ignore how wrong it felt to let him leave.
“Stay safe.” You finally murmured and he grinned at you, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“I’ll be home before you know it, darling, I promise.” He told you and you couldn’t help but smile back at him before he ducked his head down, pressing his lips to yours.
The kiss was full of passion, making up for all the lost kisses in the time you’d been apart from each other and full of promises of many more to come. By the time he pulled away you were left with swollen lips and panting for breath.
“I’ll see you soon,” he promised and you nodded breathlessly, causing him to chuckle, pressing another softer kiss to your plumped lips. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Cassian.” You told him with a soft smile and he couldn’t stop himself from kissing you once more before running off into the ship waiting for him.
Your smile widened as he grinned, mouthing another ‘I love you’ at you and you couldn’t help but chuckle as you lifted your hand to wave him off.
Once he was gone your smile faded and you let the worry settle in, knowing you could be in for a long wait in which you could do nothing but let your mind focus on the what if’s.
“Sitting this one out, Y/L/N?” A voice asked and you turned to see Admiral Raddus marching to his ship.
Cassian had told you he needed you here but you could do everything you could here just as easily as you could on his ship and grinned at the General before following after him, the General gesturing for you to get on board before giving the command to head to Scarif.
“They closed the shield gate.” You whispered and the General turned to you, a grim look on his face. “They’re locked in. We have to get it open!”
“You heard her, get it open!” Admiral Raddus commanded and there was a chorus of yes sirs.
You hated how useless you felt, all Rebel frequencies were blocked, there was no way to contact or get to Cassian. You wished more than ever you had listened to that screaming feeling earlier telling you to go with Cassian to Scarif.
You could only watch from the safety of the ship as the squadrons focused their attacks on the shield gate. Even as your deflector ships decreased you couldn’t find it in you to care, not when you had no idea what was happening to Cassian.
“-this is Rogue One, come in. Over.” Your knees very well nearly gave out when you heard a voice come through the comms, tears already filling your eyes as the Admiral responded. “We have the plans. They found the Death Star plan. They have to transmit them from the communications tower, you have to take down the shield gate. It’s the only way they’re gonna get them through.”
You desperately wanted to ask about Cassian but knew you couldn’t, you just had to trust that he was ok as you helped the Admiral command the troops and couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief as you watched the Star Destroyer go down, disabling the shield gate and knowing Cassian could get out once the plans were with you.
It would be easy sailing from this moment on and then you could be with Cassian again, the time for the two of you to lay down together in each other’s arms, no words needing to be spoken between the two of you as you just held each other couldn’t come soon enough.
“Admiral, we’re receiving transmission from Scarif.” Somebody said and you could help the laugh of relief that escaped you, glad that Cassian would be back with you any minute. ‘Admiral, we have the plans!”
“Sir,” somebody said and you turned to glance behind you, “We’re detecting a massive object emerging from hyperspace.”
“What is tha-” You began to ask but cut yourself off as your eyes widened and it felt like all the air had left your lungs.
“What is it?” The Admiral asked instead and you had to swallow past the lump in your throat before you could speak.
“It’s the Death Star.” You whispered, near silently but the words seemed to echo around the room as if you’d shouted them.
You couldn’t do anything.
You couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. All you could do was stare out of the window, stomach churning and your blood cold as you watched the planet below you implode on itself. Tears made their way from your eyes and down your cheeks but you didn’t notice until the salty tears streamed past your lips.
“Rogue one,” the Admiral said as you cried, hand on the window as you watched in horror, “may the Force be with you.”
Alarms began to sound throughout the ship, people yelled commands and cried out in fear but you ignored it all, barely registering the sounds, as you continued to stare out of the window.
You were completely numb, completely empty like everything had been ripped from you.
The explosion was still happening, completely destroying everything in proximity, taking the lives of everyone on the base.
Taking Cassian.
A part of you was waiting on a miracle. A large miracle from the galaxy, one gift for all that you and Cassian had given, had sacrificed, to protect it. Your eyes stayed focused on the scene hoping to see a ship, pleading silently with any force that would listen to you to just give you this.
But nothing came.
Nobody answered your prayers.
You would have stayed there forever if you could, frozen in that exact moment in time for the rest of your life if not for the person pulling you back to reality as they bumped into you as they ran by, turning to face you as he shouted to you.
“Vader’s boarding the ship!” He warned before continuing towards the escape pods.
Anger flared in you, pure anger you hadn’t felt in a long time. This was all Vader’s doing, he should have to pay for taking Cassian from you.
The time you had spent with Cassian wasn’t long, it would never be long enough no matter how much time you had spent with him. Vader had taken him from you, taken all the time that was meant to be yours and Cassian’s.
Vader had doomed you to the worst of fates, to the coldest of lives. You would always be pining for Cassian, never able to move on from the man who you loved more dearly than anything else in the whole galaxy.
A life without Cassian Andor seemed…it didn’t seem real. It was impossible to think that you would wake up and the first thing you saw wouldn’t be Cassian but instead an empty bed where he should’ve been. It seemed impossible that Cassian wouldn’t be there to fight at your side, to hold you close and kiss you like you were the only person in the galaxy.
The thought of living without Cassian Andor made you sick to your stomach and sobs finally escaped you as you fell to your knees. The sobs were those a person never wanted to hear, the kind that spoke of true loss and absolute heartbreak.
You couldn’t do anything but sob, hunched over as the cries kept coming, even as the ship shook and the fighting carried on around you.
“Hey!” You looked up when you heard a fist thumping against the window of one of the rooms behind you and saw the door was jammed. “Please, he's coming.”
Somehow you forced your body up and though the tears kept falling you made your way over to the door, you and the man both trying to push it open without success.
The man’s head whipped around and you sniffed as you followed his gaze, seeing Vader stood at the end of the corridor.
“You have to get this to Leia Organa.” He told you, voice shaking as he held the information Cassian had died to get.
Another sob escaped you at the thought.
“Please!” He begged when you didn’t move to take it and you finally nodded, taking it as Vader marched towards the man. “Go!”
You did as he said, hearing the choked cries from behind you as you ran, crashing into droids and people because your vision was so blurred from the tears still making their way down your face.
This was Cassian’s last sacrifice, he had given his life to get this information to the Rebellion and you were going to make sure his last act was carried out.
So you ran, you ran until your sides ached and then some more. From behind you you could hear heavy footsteps and the filtered breathing letting you know no matter how fast you ran you couldn’t outrun Vader.
But you had to.
For Cassian.
You got to the hallway, could see Senator Organa’s daughter waiting for you behind the closed door, her face lighting up when she saw you. You took a deep breath, ignoring the tears and made your way over to her only to be stopped by an invisible force.
You watched as Leia’s eyes widened and knew without needing to turn around that Vader was close behind you.
You should have felt scared, should have felt terrified but you didn’t. The only things running through you right now were determination and anger. You knew one way or another you would get the information to Leia, there was no doubt about this, maybe if it hadn’t been Cassian’s last act but it was and you needed to see it finished.
The anger was intense.
You could feel it lighting you up from inside, such a drastic shift from the numbness you had felt only moments before and you used that determination and anger to force your feet forward, to fight against whatever was trying to hold you in place.
It took all your concentration to put one foot in front of the other, a task that was made harder as Vader’s invisible grip on you only seemed to tighten but you made it to the door by some miracle.
You pressed the button to open it and swallowed against the lump in your throat as it jammed, only opening the smallest amount.
From behind you the heavy footsteps got closer and closer and when you glanced back you saw Vader was only a few steps behind, seconds away from you.
“Princess Leia,” you whispered and she looked back towards you, a sorry look on her face. “Go.”
As discreetly as you could you moved your hand holding the data towards the small crack in the door and pushed it through. Leia’s eyes widened but a second later you felt her fingers brush against yours and the data was with her.
‘Thank you.’ She mouthed and you nodded before closing your eyes, feeling Vader behind you before he turned you around and pinned you to the wall with the Force, your feet dangling from the ground.
“You lost, Vader. The Rebellion will always win.” You told him, glaring at him even as the tears still slid down your cheeks.
“Give me the information.” He demanded and you let out a laugh that sounded hysterical as it mixed with a sob.
“You lost.” You repeated through gritted teeth as Leia’s ship disengaged from yours and Vader’s head snapped around to stare as his information was taken.
“You will not live to see what becomes of your precious Rebellion.” Vader told you and you could hear his rage even through the modulator, his words and anger only making you smile even with the tears still running down your face.
“You already ended my life when you blew that base up. You killed the man who means everything to me. Killing me now would only be a merciful act. I don’t need to live to see what will become of the Rebellion, I already know they will win. I only want to be with him now.”
“Pathetic.” Vader told you and your smile widened into a grin even as an invisible force tightened its grip around your throat.
You knew what would come next, knew that there was no chance of you leaving the ship and you didn’t care. You knew you were about to die and you didn’t care, there was no fear, no desperation, no part of you wanted to scream and plead with Vader to let you go, to show mercy and spare your life.
No, you were ready for what Vader was about to do to you. You were ready to die because no part of you could envision a life without Cassian by your side.
A galaxy without Cassian Andor seemed impossible.
You had completed his mission, the two of you working as a team one last time to bring the information that would lead to the downfall of the Empire. You only hoped that when the end came Cassian would be waiting for you on the other side, the two of you ready to start whatever adventure waited for you after death together, hand in hand.
Vader tightened his invisible grip around your neck and you could feel your pulse stuttering, straining against the grip and your vision began to blur and darken. Even as you felt yourself slipping from consciousness you didn’t panic.
Instead you let your lips pull into a smile, it was a barely there smile but it was visible enough to make Vader snarl and tighten his grip even more causing a choked sob to escape you but the smile never faded even as you did.
You were at peace.
You would see Cassian again soon enough.
________________
NEW CHARACTER - Cassian Andor Taglist /
@chiaraxtargaryen
Forget Me

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Prompt - “'Cause I'm not ready to find out you know how to forget me, I'd rather hear how much you regret me and pray to the stars that you never met me than forget me.”
Han Solo knew he had messed up when he watched your face shift, gone was the hurt and anger, your tears seeming to vanish between one blink and the next and he just knew that this was it. He knew he had pushed you too far this time and he wondered if the two of you would come back from this one.
Throughout the years people had struggled to understand your relationship with Han, it always seemed the two of you were arguing, finding something to fight about and hardly even seemed at peace with one another. Of course you had been happy, you had moments of genuine joy around him, moments when you were bursting with so much love for each other. Then there were times when you rubbed each other the wrong way, you refused to budge and see things from his point of view, he’d completely disregarded something you’d said and cause a world of avoidable trouble.
When you fought it was usually done exactly how you loved each other, wild and passionate and hard to control. There was shouting and crying and one of you was always glaring or scowling, it was how Han knew things were ok between you. It sounded odd to outsiders but when Han saw you glaring over at him as he ranted he knew you’d be ok afterwards.
Never in all your fights had he watched you turn stony faced, seemingly shoving your emotions deep down and bricking them up. It set him on edge, he knew something about this fight was different even if it wasn’t as bad as some of your more explosive ones had been but for some reason this seemed to be the one that tipped you over the edge.
“I can’t do this anymore.” You told him quietly, the silence having passed for long enough to set Han even further on edge and your words had his blood running cold.
The two of you had been through so much together, fought side by side, risked your lives for each other, held each other when things got rough and loved each other more passionately than Han had ever thought possible. You couldn’t leave, not after everything. Part of him hoped you weren’t serious, hoped that this was just a cold move on your part to win the argument but he knew you weren’t like that, no matter how nasty some of your fights got.
“Come on, Y/N,” He said anyway, hoping that he was wrong and you were just playing games. He kept his voice lighter that he felt, a joking edge to it that had you swallowing hard and desperately trying to push down every emotion you felt.
“I’m serious, Han. This is exhausting, it’s the same damn argument over and over. I tell you it’s stupid and reckless and you jump head first into anyway and it usually ends up coming back to me. I mean how many times has somebody sent bounties after me because of something stupid you did. We go back and forth and it’s going to end with one of us dead these days.” You told him, trying your hardest to keep your voice from shaking and the tears from filling your eyes.
“Baby don’t do this. You want me to stop, I’ll stop right here and now.” Han said, knowing you were deadly serious and hating it. He hated how you were right, hated that you pointed out how much danger he put you in when all he wanted was to protect you.
“How many times have you promised me that?” You whispered and he felt his heart drop because, again, you always had to be right.
“You can’t just walk away from us, Y/N/N, not after everything.” He pleaded with you taking a step closer only to feel his heart ache as you took a step back.
“I’m tired, Han. We’re fighting a war and we’re fighting each other, I can’t do both, I’m exhausted.” You felt like the entire galaxy was weighing you down most days. Days like today where you had stood beside Leia and watched so many from your army, so many friends, die and all you wanted was to come back to your rooms and take comfort from Han.
Instead you had ended up in a screaming match with him, feeling completely and utterly drained to your bones. You had nothing left to give this relationship, you barely had anything left to give to the fight with the Empire.
Some days you dreamed of taking Han up on his offer of just flying away in the Falcon, the two of you getting far away from everything. You daydreamed often about how different things would be for both of you if you did just run away but you couldn’t, Leia was your friend and you couldn’t leave her.
Still, it was nice to dream.
“Come on baby, please don’t do this, give us one last chance.” You wanted to cave, wanted desperately to give into his pleading wide eyes and collapse into his arms but you knew you couldn’t, no matter how much you wanted it to you knew things wouldn’t change.
“I’m sorry.” You whispered and your voice caught on the words, breaking softly as you fought down a wave of tears that threatened to fill your eyes.
Han took another step forward and this time you didn’t move away from him, letting him bring his hand up to your cheek before he pressed your foreheads together, looking into your eyes before his fell closed and he brought your lips together.
The kiss was soft and slow, so different from how they usually were. A few tears made their way down your cheeks as you closed your eyes and kissed Han back, savouring the feeling of him against you, letting yourself sink into the kiss but not drown in it, knowing that if you did that you wouldn’t be able to leave.
You were the first pull away, hands coming to rest on Han’s chest as he tried to chase your lips. You knew you had to leave, heart heavy and broken as you pushed away from him and took the few steps needed to reach the door. Han didn’t try to stop you this time as you left, hoping this decision wasn’t permanent.
Months passed without a word from you though. He tried to avoid spending much time on the base but when he was there, well, people liked to talk and were always keen to fill him in on what he had missed. In the few times he had been back he had been informed of your angry words against him, private conversations between you and Leia overheard by the crew. He was told that you had been seen crying most days, sometimes you had to excuse yourself from a planning meeting and somebody would find you alone with tears flowing down your cheeks. Han hated knowing he was the reason for your tears, he never wanted to be the reason you cried and yet a part of him was glad for it because it meant you were thinking about him, you hadn’t just erased him from your thoughts.
Though his heart ached at some of the things he had been told, choice words he hoped had been grossly exaggerated through the rumour mill, it didn’t hurt him as much as he expected it to. If you were dragging his name through the dirt it meant he was still on your mind, it meant you were still holding onto a part of him and that gave him hope.
Han would gladly take all the criticism you gave him, gladly let you curse him out to anybody who would listen, just to know you still thought about him.
After that night you were heartbroken, through Han’s own wrongdoings, through your constant arguments and your stubborn unwillingness to budge on what you believed in you were left alone. For once you found yourself grateful for the war, you hardly had a moment to sit a stew in your hurt and your pain, though some nights when things were quiet and you’d had too much to drink you tended to drunkenly berate the Captain.
Months went by and you managed to live with the hurt, managed to deal with it and go about your day, thoughts somehow always managing to find their way back to Han Solo. It was strange thinking of him, sometimes you felt so much hate, wanting so badly to get it right with him only to fail each time made you hurt, made you angry at him for not trying harder, angry at yourself for not giving it the final chance he pleaded for. Other times you just felt sad, you missed him dearly. There had been good moments, beautiful moments. You had been at each other's side for so long that to suddenly be without him was lonely.
More months passed and eventually a year had gone by, a long year of days spent aching and longing for you. No matter how far Han went from the base where you were he couldn’t seem to outrun you in his mind, you were always there no matter what he was doing. If he was in the midst of a battle he would think about how wrong it felt not to have your back pressed against his, if he was piloting the Falcon he couldn’t help but miss the way you tried to take over, annoying him by pressing random buttons and instead of your laugh filling the air there was only silence. The nights dragged by painfully slow, he missed you deeply, missed the feeling of you curled into his chest, missed wrapping his body around yours as he held you close, missed waking up and knowing his day would be good just because you were the first thing he saw.
It had been a year and he still missed you so much, he was still holding on hope that you’d take him back, that you still missed him as much as he did you.
It had been a year and you were finally moving on, finally living without the hurt and the pain rather than living with having grown used to it. It may have been a gradual process but you didn’t notice it, not until one day where you were sitting in the cantina and laughing, really laughing, with one of the men from the crew. It hit you like a tonne of bricks that your mind wasn’t on Han and it hadn’t been for a while now.
It was…refreshing. It was nice, even nicer now that you’d actually noticed you were able to get through a day without wanting to cry or rage. You hadn’t realised just how much of your energy it was taking to miss Han.
Han hadn’t been back to the base in a while now, he knew you hated when he was there, people told him how you locked yourself in your rooms or had Leia send you on a mission whenever he was around. Today he had no choice but to come back and even though he longed to see you, another part of him hoped you still didn’t want to see him just because it would mean you still felt something for him.
He landed on the base, ignoring Chewie’s grumblings about how he wished you were there. He found Leia in the main planning room, the room was filled and yet as he stood in the doorway and saw you he felt everything around him stop. You had to know he was coming, he’d warned Leia two days in advance knowing she would give you a heads up. He could only stare at you, watching as you smiled over at one of the crew a little too friendly for his liking before Leia called out his name.
His head snapped over to her but from the corner of his eyes he saw you look over at him. If it could be called that, really it was only a half glance, more so at the sudden call from Leia than to look at him before you turned your attention back to the crew member showing you something on the screens.
His heart dropped. There was no pain or longing, your eyes didn’t light up or glare over at him. It was like he was just another member of the crew, a stranger you didn’t know and had no desire to introduce yourself to. It sent a pain right to his heart, his heart was still yours even after a year apart and it seemed you had done the one thing he couldn’t bear to happen, you had forgotten him.
Han nearly lost it then and there, right in front of everybody. He would much rather the crew crowd him and tell him all the nasty things you said about him, hear about how you had cursed and berated him, hear that you wished him dead, hear about you cursing the stars for ever having met him. He would much rather all that than knowing that you knew how to forget him.
It wrecked him, it wrecked him right to the core seeing you dismiss him easily and he knew it wasn’t an act, an attempt to put on a brave face and show him that your separation, your time apart wasn’t affecting you. No, he could tell it was real and he hated knowing you had forgotten him.
Han wasn’t ready to let you go, not even after all the time that had passed. He wasn’t ready to let you forget him but what could he do? Every part of him ached, he was filled with anger and sadness and regret. He should have done something long ago, he shouldn’t have let so much time pass, he should have listened to you and just gave you what you wanted.
He took a step over in your direction, managed two steps before a hand wrapped around his biceps and fingernails dug into his skin. He looked away from you and back to Leia who was glaring at him and shaking her head.
“Leave her alone, Han. You messed up and you missed your chance.” Leia told him, the words weren’t kind but her tone was soft. It was a truth he needed to hear.
Leia had been the one there for you after you walked away from Han. She had been the one who held you as you wept, who watched you scream and pace and drink yourself into a state. She had been the one to stack your workload so high that you were drowning but didn’t have time to think about the man. She had been the one to slowly watch you get better, to go through days where Han didn’t cross your mind.
She liked Han, really she did, but you were her best friend and she hated watching you suffer like you had. You had finally dragged yourself out of that dark pit where Han surrounded your every waking thought and sleeping dream. There was no way she was going to let Han ruin that, she couldn’t bear to watch you go through it again.
“Leia please, that’s my girl, I gotta get her back.” Han pleaded with her, knowing his heart was yours.
“No Han, she’s not your girl.” Leia told him and pulled him further away from you, watching as he drank you in before she pulled him out of the room. “You lost her, Han and she is finally in a good place. If you care about her you’ll leave her alone.”
Some part of Han knew she was right. Too much time had seemingly passed and it hurt him, it cut him to the core to know that Leia was right, he had lost you. It hurt him, loathe as he was to admit it knowing how selfish it was, but it hurt him to know that you were in a good place because he was supposed to be that good place for you. Now you were living your life and Han wasn’t a part of that, you were happy but it wasn’t Han who was making you happy, though in a way he supposed he was but he was making you happy by staying out of your life.
Even after all this time he wasn’t ready to accept that you could forget him, forget all the good things between you, forget about the love you had felt for each other. He knew he loved you, he knew his heart would always be yours.
He loved you and he knew Leia was right, if he cared for you he had to leave you alone.
He just hoped that one day you’d remember him again, remember him and take him back. He knew he’d always be waiting for you, he’d still be holding onto the hope he desperately clung too.
_____
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The Story of Us

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Angstember Prompt - “I hope it's worth it.”
You could still remember the first day you had met Peter Parker, despite the years that had passed. You remembered your eyes meeting across the room, remembered him walking up to you in the cafeteria and asking to join you for lunch, you remembered the sparks that seemed to fly instantly, the way the conversation flowed easily between you like you’d known each other for years rather than the few moments you had. The boy before you had made you laugh like no one had before, had made you feel more at ease than you’d ever been and from there you knew he was going to be important to you.
You loved telling the story of how you and Peter met, loved sharing how the two of you had gone from two people alone in the cafeteria to best friends to dating, loved how people smiled and gushed over how cute it was.
Telling the story of how Peter had asked you out was another favourite of yours, it was a story you hoped you were telling years down the line to anyone who would listen, a story you could recite in your sleep. Telling them how he had he had invited you out into the city on New Year’s eve, telling them how you stood surrounded by people cheering and laughing, of how Peter had nervously pulled you close and told you how important you were to him, about how he couldn’t picture his life without you and how much he cared for you. He had timed it perfectly somehow and by the time you were grinning up at him, overwhelmed with happiness, he had cupped your cheek, giving you a chance to pull away from him if you wanted before he pressed his lips to yours softly just as midnight struck, even as people cheered around you the noise seemed to fade as you could only focus on Peter.
From there not much had changed between you and Peter, you already spent so much of your time with the other, shared everything between the two of you, the only thing that really changed was that you could kiss freely now instead of having to shove the urge deep down for fear of messing your friendship up.
The first year of your relationship passed in a blur of happiness, you and Peter falling harder in love with each other every day. Of course you had had a few arguments here and there but nothing serious and nothing that wasn’t resolved the same day. Everything between you and Peter seemed perfect, like you were in a fairy tale.
So the moment everything changed you felt it straight away, it felt like your world had shifted, like things were falling out of place when Peter began to pull away from you. You tried to figure out what had happened, replayed every moment of the last few weeks in your head but couldn’t come up with anything that would have upset him.
It wasn’t like he pushed you away completely but he had definitely put distance between the two of you. It wasn’t until Ben died that the wall between you came crashing into place and it wasn’t like you couldn’t understand his pain, his grief but despite attending the funeral, despite Peter gripping your hand throughout the service he pulled further away, completely ignoring you for days at a time.
You had tried to be there for him but he wouldn’t let you and so you allowed him his wish to be alone, to hopefully work through everything. It wasn’t until he came to school with bruises that you finally had enough, weeks passing since the funeral, and pulled Peter into an empty classroom.
You tried to talk to him, tried to ask him where the bruises came from and why he was being so distant. Peter had just rolled his eyes, his exhaustion clear and only adding to his tenseness. He had told you he was fine, that the bruises were nothing, he told you to stay out of it, that whatever he did was none of your business. You had only been able to scoff at him, shaking your head in disbelief before walking out of the door leaving Peter to regret his words as he slumped tiredly against the wall but he couldn’t stop himself from pushing away from you.
Ben’s death was already on his hands, he refused to put you in danger too.
From that day things had changed, Peter’s resolve to keep away from you only strengthening as he settled into his role as Spider-Man, hating the distance between you, hating the first secret he had to keep from you but knowing it was necessary. He’d rather have you alive and away from him than at his side but dead. He knew he was picking Spider-Man over you but after Uncle Ben…he could save people now. That was his responsibility.
You yourself had gone from being able to walk into any room and knowing your place was a spot next to him, a seat he always made sure to save for you no matter how many people were hanging out in your group, to standing alone, awkwardly in the cafeteria, scanning the room for an empty seat in the span of a few weeks.
You didn’t know what page the two of you were on lately, didn’t know what was going to happen between you. You hoped that he would sort through whatever it was that made him feel like he had to distance himself from you, hoped he’d come back to you but as time passed you found yourself losing hope.
It was clear he was keeping something from you, a secret that he refused to share. It was strange, the two of you had always been so openly honest with each other, never feeling like you had to hide anything, not with how much you trusted each other but now it was clear you’d done something to lose that trust, to make him think he couldn’t tell you things.
As time passed and Peter continued to shove you away despite your countless attempts to show him you were still there for him, to show him you still loved him you felt his walls building themselves higher and higher, too thick for you to be heard from outside them.
Not speaking to Peter was agonisingly painful, having gone from spending everyday with him to not even being able to speak two words to him because he rushed away from you hurt more than anything. You wondered, as you lay in bed alone, if it was killing him, if it was tearing him up, the same way it was you. You wanted to know just what you had done, just what had happened for him to become so closed off from you, wanted to know when your love story seemed to turn into a tragedy, so sure that it wouldn’t have a happy ending.
Spider-Man quickly made a name for himself and Peter was aware of the public opinion, of the supporters he had and of the enemies he was making. He was aware people tried to piece together who the man under the mask was and aware of how much some people wanted him gone. His bruised eye and busted lip as well as his sore muscles really hammered home just how much some bad guys really hated him but he was doing the right thing, just last night alone he had stopped several muggings, webbed a guy who was about to shoot up a shop and stopped a guy as he followed a woman home.
He was doing the right thing, he knew he was and yet as he saw you across the room, alone with an air of sadness around you, doing your best to seem busy even when he could tell you weren’t, his heart ached. He watched as you fiddled with the ends of your sleeves, saw how uncomfortable you looked and he knew it was wrong, the image was completely wrong because you weren’t supposed to be sad, you weren’t supposed to have a frown on your face and he was supposed to be next to you.
Instead he stayed as far away from you as possible, avoiding you so that you wouldn’t find out his secret. He couldn’t risk you, he would never do it. He knew you’d have rolled your eyes at him, knew you’d be furious at him for making the decision for you without giving you a choice but he couldn’t lose you. If somebody did somehow put together that Peter was Spider-Man then they would surely exploit every weakness he had and you were the biggest one he had. He would never put you in that position, no matter how much it hurt to see you this way.
He was doing the right thing, it was a mantra he repeated in his head, forcing himself to remember it every time he saw you.
Being forced to see Peter every day at school, to see him and not be able to touch him, to even speak to him was tearing you about, it felt like you were losing your mind. It was clear that whatever had caused him to pull away from you wasn’t going to fix itself. Peter seemed more than happy to hold onto whatever it was keeping you apart than to hold onto you. It was a thought that cut you deep, at one point you thought you were worth more to him than that but clearly not. As the days passed it became more and more obvious that when you told the story of you and Peter it wouldn’t be about love anymore but more about your descent into madness as you struggled to understand how things had gone so wrong.
You knew the relationship was done but neither one of you had uttered the words and despite knowing that it was the unavoidable outcome you were still scared for the ending, at least now there was the tiniest shred of hope but you knew it wasn’t worth holding onto anymore. All you wanted to do was curl up in his arms, tell him you missed him but you couldn’t, you didn’t even know how to speak to him anymore and yet despite the fact that no words had passed between the two of you the silence was louder than anything.
You had been waiting for it and yet when it happened it felt like you hadn’t been prepared at all, not when Peter walked up to your locker after school, running a hand through his hair as he asked if the two of you could talk. You’d nodded of course, knew logically how this conversation was going to go and yet somehow, somehow there was still a part of you hoping this was him ready to put aside whatever had happened and work it out together.
The two of you walked for a while until you came to a quiet spot and sat down side by side on an empty bench. It was a nice day out and you kind of hated it, it felt like it should be pouring rain, maybe storm clouds hanging over your heads whilst this conversation happened but instead there wasn’t a cloud in the sky and the sun shone brightly.
“I’m sorry, Y/N/N,” Peter began, finally breaking the silence that had settled between the two, “I’m so sorry for everything.”
You swallowed the lump in your throat as tears stung your eyes but you tried to blink them away as best you could, knowing there wasn’t a different ending to this story and wanting to get it done with, knowing it was going to hurt more the longer it was dragged.
As you sat at his side you allowed yourself a moment to draw comfort from having him this close, allowed yourself a moment to memorise him, not knowing if you’d have the chance again. There were so many things you wanted to say to him, were sure there was so much he wanted to say to you but those words would go unspoken, kept only for yourselves to know, never to be shared.
“Will you at least tell me what I did?” You pleaded, the question had been plaguing you for so long now and you just wanted an answer.
You watched as Peter turned to you, his own eyes wide and watery as he shook his head, hand reaching out for you before he pulled it away. You took a shaky breath, desperately trying to keep your tears at bay, wanting nothing more than to feel his touch but knowing you couldn’t.
“No, no baby,” Peter said, wincing as the word slipped out of his mouth without him meaning to but carrying on anyway, “this isn’t because of you, this is all me.”
“What happened? I thought we were happy.” You figured you weren’t going to get a solid answer, you thought you deserved one but weren’t holding your breath.
“We were. I’m sorry Y/N, I really am but I just…I have to protect you, even if you hate me at least you’ll be ok, you have to be ok and you won’t be, not around me. I can’t lose you, Y/N.” Peter told you, the words falling from his lips like he couldn’t stop them, him rambling as you looked at him in confusion, not making sense of the words.
“Peter, what are you talking about? I’ve always been ok around you, I’ve never felt safer than when I’m with you. You’re saying you can’t lose me and yet you’re the one walking away from us.” You couldn’t understand his reasoning. Confusion, anger, sadness all running through you as you looked at him.
“I can’t explain it, Y/N/N.” He whispered, looking away from you and down at his hands resting in his lap. “I want to, I really do but I can’t.”
His voice was thick with emotions, tears pooling in his eye, threatening to fall as were your own but you only took another breath and sat up straighter on the bench. This wasn’t the ending your story with Peter deserved, it wasn’t the one you ever thought it would get and yet here the two of you were, saying goodbye to everything you had together.
“I really hope it’s worth it.” You told him, voice barely a whisper as you choked back tears, standing from the bench.
You watched Peter straighten, watched his hand lift again to pull you back before he decided against it. He knew he had to let you go, knew it was the right thing even if it didn’t feel like it. He couldn’t risk losing you, you were too important to him.
Even so, as he watched you walk away from him, keeping his eyes on you until you disappeared from view he couldn’t help but think about your last words. Was being Spider-Man worth it? Yes it was, he made a difference, he saved people but having to lose you to do it left him feeling empty.
You forced yourself to walk away, forced yourself to hold the tears back until you were far enough away from him before you had to stop, sitting on the stairs of a random apartment block to finally letting the tears fall freely, not caring about any glances sent your way.
It seemed like such a terrible ending, so many good memories, amazing experiences together. The way he made you feel had just been thrown to the side, no longer good enough for him. It hurt more that you still didn’t know the reason behind the decision, hated that your mind would always focus on the what if’s now. This was not the ending you deserved with Peter, your story was supposed to be good, it had been good and yet the ending was playing out clearly in real time with you, alone, sobbing in the streets of New York and Peter left alone, still sitting on the bench with his own tears falling down his face.
That was the end of the story of you and Peter.
/
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