Shootingscar - A Daydreamer's Diary!

Am I overreacting ?? The question that haunts me constantly to the point idk if my emotions are valid, and so i ended up bottling 'em up till I was named the "cold emotionless rock at heart girl' all for hiding the little girl and her emotions inside the deepest corners of my heart and mind so that I can fight the reality while keeping her safe. The only way out for the suppressed emotions was to write 'em all, pouring every little thing I felt, staining the papers not only with ink but with many forbidden thoughts and forgotten feelings.

One of such overflowing midnight thoughts :

OVERREACTING??

Why shall I just react when I can overreact?

when I feel the flooding sarrow that's weighing my heart till I can't stand myself, why shall I just say 'I'm sorry' for things i never did or why shall I forgive, instead of writing a 50 page essay about how messed up you are to make me sick at mind and throw it on your face?!

when there's a 1000 volcanoes erupting inside me burning my insides to ashes till there's nothing left to feel, why shall I just say shut up and leave as if nothing happened when i can shout till I make ur ears bleed and ur eyes tear with guilt for the horrors you made me live in ?!

When I felt like a broken glass with a million pieces shattered around too afraid to walk on but too weak to pick them, why shall I cry in a corner voicing down my tone to not get caught hiding my pain when I can shatter your non existent pride making you aware of the deeds that brought me terror for your great satisfaction?!

...

Writings :

Am I overreacting??

Home ??

Piece of peace

Introvert-friendly?

He wanted more

The Abandoned House

Invisible

Sometimes

Life, she's strange

Quotes :

Living Mosaics

Intelligence is sexy

Save me from my mind

Clockwork Angel

A day away

It's all lies darling

All is well

Diaries of Virginia Woolf

Isolation

Do it now

Pretending

"I am overwhelmed with things I ought to have written about and never found the proper words."

- Diaries of Virginia Woolf

The Last Summer Dairies (intro?)

Capturing the moments..

To treasure a moment, to stop at that instance, to savour all of it while it ends.. We capture the moments on cameras, the photo's being the proof that we stopped time in that instance, in that exact moment and captured all of it in the photo! It's good until we get so obsessed with capturing the moment than actually living in the moment! For a 'no mobile at hostel' girl like me, capturing moments is through writing. Staining papers with all the memories I savoured, I captured my "worth stopping the time" moments!

- 10 july, 2023

(p.s. not everything in this collection is about capturing memories, some are just raw emotions or random thoughts too!)

Tags : #the last summer diaries

The original copy as on 20230710 .. as the original has some grammatical errors I edited the above post a bit and still not sure if it's all correct lol, typo's in my blood ;) also I scribbled everything that's on my mind very fast, so don't mind my writting-

Invisible :

[warning: a sad rant.. mild mentions of death]

I guess I am so invisible to all the good things in life.. It's as if I'm only visible when I'm needed.. I have no other purpose.. I was never free.. I'm never free.. I have no significant value nor do I have it in me to gain the bare minimum.. a little respect.. I've never been seen or heard like I wish I was.. I was never a priority nor of any importance.. I just exist.. playing the side role in my own life.. that's how I was conditioned to feel.. that's how everybody thinks I should feel.. it's as if I was supposed to feel certain way cause that is what I deserve.. for what ??? Maybe for existing?? Maybe because I'm never supposed to be among them.. maybe because they never wanted me among them.. or maybe be, just maybe, they wanted me among them.. only so I can be of some use.. I can be used till the last drop of my blood serves their need.. when I'm all drawn out that's when I'm no longer needed and that is when I'm allowed to be free.. to leave life and find solace in death.. to feel the warm hug of the grim reaper who himself pitied my entire existence.. who came ever so fast as soon as he heard I'm his next passenger, so as to take me away from the hell I've been living in.. I yearned love and affection even in its most platonic states.. only to find that it's in his arms.. only to find that even this might not last as long as I wish it'll.. nothing ever dares even reach me to stay with me.. but if it does.. then it never stays with me as long as I wish it would.. I don't even know why.. I don't even know why I was born..