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Am I overreacting??

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Note : all the pictures used were from pinterest and the quotes are from different sources.. all the writings belongs to me!

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The Last Summer Dairies

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Intelligence is sexy

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Introvert-friendly?

I mean I'm a socially awkward animal and I need care?! So.. be friendly (introvert-friendly!)

So I want to be in a community of any topic but like the "introvert-friendly" community (or groups or channel or whatever irdk!). No I don't mean like a community of introverts! I just want an introvert-friendly community if it makes sense..

Like an 'introvert' community is a community with introverts but an 'introvert-friendly' community (as I call it ..) is a community that is introvert-friendly.. lol.. ok so what I really mean is a community that's not too small to be less informative/useful but not too big to give anxiety.. I mean I really wanna join in groups that are about my favourite artists or idols or anything I like basically but then seeing the vast numbers of human beings that are formed into such a community makes me anxious.. I mean as much as I would love to be updated with my fav artist I don't want notifications flooding my phone and if the mute or off the notifications still when I open that certain app I would see tons of 'to-be read' texts which are the triggers points, the fear of missing out if I just scroll down and the fear of feeling left out is one thing but the fear to even see that many texts is terrifying (personally!). Which is why I wanna be in communities that are introvert-friendly. Cause I can just join in some communities where we only get updates (and anyone or I cannot text) to be updated but that'd mean no communication at all which is sometimes boring and most of the times discouraging if the reason I wanna join is to make friends or to be more communicative.

I don't know if I even make sense at all with this but this is something I've been feeling lately. I wanna know new people but larger groups make me anxious, more people and more communication makes me anxious, and still I want 'new' people in life T_T like I can go out and make friends but that'd make me anxious too, I mean my whole point is I'm an introvert so you can't expect me to do things in the casual and most usual way, cause what's causal for you is already a trigger point or an terrifying chore for me. Or maybe just maybe meeting new people in life than online is not only much more terrifying but also a lot boring .. ryt ?

Am I overreacting ?? The question that haunts me constantly to the point idk if my emotions are valid, and so i ended up bottling 'em up till I was named the "cold emotionless rock at heart girl' all for hiding the little girl and her emotions inside the deepest corners of my heart and mind so that I can fight the reality while keeping her safe. The only way out for the suppressed emotions was to write 'em all, pouring every little thing I felt, staining the papers not only with ink but with many forbidden thoughts and forgotten feelings.

One of such overflowing midnight thoughts :

OVERREACTING??

Why shall I just react when I can overreact?

when I feel the flooding sarrow that's weighing my heart till I can't stand myself, why shall I just say 'I'm sorry' for things i never did or why shall I forgive, instead of writing a 50 page essay about how messed up you are to make me sick at mind and throw it on your face?!

when there's a 1000 volcanoes erupting inside me burning my insides to ashes till there's nothing left to feel, why shall I just say shut up and leave as if nothing happened when i can shout till I make ur ears bleed and ur eyes tear with guilt for the horrors you made me live in ?!

When I felt like a broken glass with a million pieces shattered around too afraid to walk on but too weak to pick them, why shall I cry in a corner voicing down my tone to not get caught hiding my pain when I can shatter your non existent pride making you aware of the deeds that brought me terror for your great satisfaction?!

...

Invisible :

[warning: a sad rant.. mild mentions of death]

I guess I am so invisible to all the good things in life.. It's as if I'm only visible when I'm needed.. I have no other purpose.. I was never free.. I'm never free.. I have no significant value nor do I have it in me to gain the bare minimum.. a little respect.. I've never been seen or heard like I wish I was.. I was never a priority nor of any importance.. I just exist.. playing the side role in my own life.. that's how I was conditioned to feel.. that's how everybody thinks I should feel.. it's as if I was supposed to feel certain way cause that is what I deserve.. for what ??? Maybe for existing?? Maybe because I'm never supposed to be among them.. maybe because they never wanted me among them.. or maybe be, just maybe, they wanted me among them.. only so I can be of some use.. I can be used till the last drop of my blood serves their need.. when I'm all drawn out that's when I'm no longer needed and that is when I'm allowed to be free.. to leave life and find solace in death.. to feel the warm hug of the grim reaper who himself pitied my entire existence.. who came ever so fast as soon as he heard I'm his next passenger, so as to take me away from the hell I've been living in.. I yearned love and affection even in its most platonic states.. only to find that it's in his arms.. only to find that even this might not last as long as I wish it'll.. nothing ever dares even reach me to stay with me.. but if it does.. then it never stays with me as long as I wish it would.. I don't even know why.. I don't even know why I was born..