Sickandinlove04 - It Iz What It Iz - Tumblr Blog

It’s the best when you ask a quiet kid about something they like and their face lights up and they talk more than they have ever talked to you before. Even if you aren’t interested in the same things please let kids talk about their interests.

“Sometimes suffering is just suffering. It doesn’t make you stronger. It doesn’t build character. It only hurts.”

— Kate Jacobs // Comfort Food

The barometric pressure drops and suddenly I cannot function.

Chronic illness is ridiculous.

I never realized how much I do 👍🏻 at work until one of the youngest and most quiet kids started giving me a thumbs up every time I looked at her and now it is the main way we communicate 😂😂😂 👍🏻

My re-goop when my brain finally fully developed my frontal cortex at 26ish was the best so far (27 now). Things just click a lot easier now

thank fucking god I'm not 14 anymore

Disability will have you thinking shit like “I’m not even that disabled. I can manage as long as I limit myself to very specific careers, never go shopping for more than an hour or two at a time, keep my plans open so I can cancel and stay in if need be, and only go out a few nights per week at the most”

Sitting here ripping off the skin till it bleeds and then some more. Then if you put lip balm on you can feel any imperfections that need smoothed out so then you rip that skin off and all the lip balm is now on your bloody fingers. I’m fine lol.

perhaps ripping this one little piece of skin off my lips will at last render them plump and moisturized

ancient greek word of the day: κακοθερής (kakotherēs), unfitted to endure summer heat

What do you mean they don’t take medicine just to function daily? What do you mean they just decided to do something on the spot and did it? What do you mean their body doesn’t change colors based on temperature and activity and such? Been taking medicine since I was a baby and I really can’t understand that some people just don’t take medicine? And some people are anti medicine? Yes there’s always a risk but I wouldn’t be at a functioning level without it.

I always say if there’s a zombie apocalypse I would die as soon as I ran out of medicine because I wouldn’t be able to run for long if at all, or I’d be throwing up and having tummy problems constantly, I would have to sit down so I don’t pass out, and more.

I don’t so much forget that I’m disabled so much as I…forget that other people aren’t.

Like, I can’t forget how tired I am or how much I’m hurting or how many things I wish I could do that I just can’t right now. Those things are actively happening to me, I’m thinking about them all the time.

It’s more like…what do you MEAN they got their entire to-do list done in one day? What do you mean they had the time and energy left over to do a couple of other things, too? What do you mean, they were sore yesterday from doing something physical, but that they’ve pretty much recovered by today, and tomorrow they won’t even feel it?

Relating to this

I have never dated in my 27 years of life. I am very picky and awkward and boys have never shown much obvious interest in me until I started dating apps (which I only like for the compliments at this point lol, what are you gonna do). In the past it has made me feel really bad, now I am kind of grateful because I know more than I did back in college and high school. I used to think God was protecting me because of my mental health and/or my physical health. Now I also know that because of the pandemic and my personal situation that a relationship would not have worked. I always thought I’d be married and have kids by this age, but I know now that it wouldn’t have worked out well if I had all that.

My main point of this rant is that I have always been very insecure about never having dated, but I am also terrified because of physical touch. What if he gets too close and sees what I fear I am? What if he doesn’t like my touch? What if he finds me repulsive once he gets close? What if I am bad at kissing? It sounds silly maybe but it’s a real fear. The idea of dating is so scary, but luckily it is very unlikely I will date anytime soon. Especially since I only have any interest in the BTS members haha. Anyways…

One thing that has helped shockingly is working with kids. They are always brutally honest. Not always because they’re trying to be mean, usually they’re just observing things. But they have also shown me love and that I can be loved. They always want hugs and to be close to me, even when I’m sweaty and feel extra gross. They like to play with my hair and make me drawings. I can always rely on them to hype me up or humble me real fast. I was proposed to once as well lol. They say I smell good which makes me feel better too. But I can also just be myself and be weird with them and they don’t blink. And I always try to give that love back and show them respect. Just because they’re kids doesn’t mean they don’t deserve respect. I could rant about that as well but I won’t for now. But yeah, my work kids have helped me learn to love myself.

Ok just want to write out my thoughts and if anyone relates or understands that is great. I was talking to my psychiatrist one day about how I sometimes feel the need to do certain things specifically with my face sometimes (scrunch my nose, stretch my face muscles, make a whistling noise between my teeth). It goes through phases and is worse when my anxiety is worse. She mentioned something about OCD. I have thought about it briefly since I pick at my nails so much and it feels more compulsive and obsessive like dermatillomania (which is as originally only listed under OCD because of the obsessive and compulsive traits it has, now it’s also a body focused repetitive behavior if I remember correctly). Other than that though I never gave it much thought. So I wandered on to the internet to learn more because it piqued my interest. I know OCD is more than organizing and cleaning but I wanted to learn more specifics, not to self diagnose but to try and understand how my brain could be working. I found something called mental contamination which was really interesting. It is basically you feel dirty even though you haven’t actually touched or done anything that would make you dirty. The thing I saw talked about feeling dirty because of someone else’s touch. It made me think about a few things. Mainly it made me think about how much I dislike being close to people and being touched. Some people I feel uncomfortable because it makes me feel dirty from being close to them (I don’t actually think they’re gross or dirty it’s like an intrusive thought, like what are you doing here thought go away). Most people though I feel like if they get too close they’re going to see me how I saw myself when I was younger, and sometimes still do; a disgusting monster that is unlovable. I’m afraid that when they get close they will think I’m gross and disgusting. A boy once told me in high school that I smelled bad. Thinking back it was a summer football practice (I was a manager) so he was probably smelling himself or the fifty other sweating dudes around. On top of the self hatred and anxiety that followed that, I have hyperhidrosis. So I physically felt disgusting from that and my health problems that make me nauseous. I spent many years feeling nauseous to the point where I was in the bathroom crying and missed many classes. Feeling nauseous just feels icky and it translated into me feeling like I am disgusting; like that icky feeling inside is showing outside.

I don’t know what the point of this post is except to ramble my thoughts “out loud”. Probably should find a new therapist but I’m doing okay mostly lol.

Ok just want to write out my thoughts and if anyone relates or understands that is great. I was talking to my psychiatrist one day about how I sometimes feel the need to do certain things specifically with my face sometimes (scrunch my nose, stretch my face muscles, make a whistling noise between my teeth). It goes through phases and is worse when my anxiety is worse. She mentioned something about OCD. I have thought about it briefly since I pick at my nails so much and it feels more compulsive and obsessive like dermatillomania (which is as originally only listed under OCD because of the obsessive and compulsive traits it has, now it’s also a body focused repetitive behavior if I remember correctly). Other than that though I never gave it much thought. So I wandered on to the internet to learn more because it piqued my interest. I know OCD is more than organizing and cleaning but I wanted to learn more specifics, not to self diagnose but to try and understand how my brain could be working. I found something called mental contamination which was really interesting. It is basically you feel dirty even though you haven’t actually touched or done anything that would make you dirty. The thing I saw talked about feeling dirty because of someone else’s touch. It made me think about a few things. Mainly it made me think about how much I dislike being close to people and being touched. Some people I feel uncomfortable because it makes me feel dirty from being close to them (I don’t actually think they’re gross or dirty it’s like an intrusive thought, like what are you doing here thought go away). Most people though I feel like if they get too close they’re going to see me how I saw myself when I was younger, and sometimes still do; a disgusting monster that is unlovable. I’m afraid that when they get close they will think I’m gross and disgusting. A boy once told me in high school that I smelled bad. Thinking back it was a summer football practice (I was a manager) so he was probably smelling himself or the fifty other sweating dudes around. On top of the self hatred and anxiety that followed that, I have hyperhidrosis. So I physically felt disgusting from that and my health problems that make me nauseous. I spent many years feeling nauseous to the point where I was in the bathroom crying and missed many classes. Feeling nauseous just feels icky and it translated into me feeling like I am disgusting; like that icky feeling inside is showing outside.

I don’t know what the point of this post is except to ramble my thoughts “out loud”. Probably should find a new therapist but I’m doing okay mostly lol.

It also reminds me of how I wore my hair down everyday my freshman year of high school so I could hide my face easily. I still feel the urge to hide my face over 10 years later when I feel like someone is looking at me.

A show made me cry because someone said “you don’t have to hide your face from me” and I didn’t realize how much I could use someone saying that to me

A show made me cry because someone said “you don’t have to hide your face from me” and I didn’t realize how much I could use someone saying that to me

Today I was told I have beautiful kidneys and I was so happy and proud of my kidneys and it is my favorite compliment I have received atm.

My hedgehog’s name is Mochi after baby Mochi himself (Jimin)

I just really want to shut down right now. But I know that if I do, it will be so hard to dig myself out of that.

Watching BTS to try and avoid a complete emotional breakdown

I don’t think I could handle working full time bc of my health problems, but I’m not disabled enough to get any help for it. So basically I’m screwed.

A kid told me my hair looked like ramen and it’s my new favorite compliment that wasn’t meant to be a compliment

I really just want to be alone but the only time I am really alone is driving to and from work

You don’t even know me but I miss you

I hate how I am uncomfortable in literally any social situation. Why must I be awkward?

If anyone has any go to daydream scenarios please share them. I like fluffy and sometimes angsty daydreams. I also sometimes like darker stuff dealing with mental health, like dealing with trauma and depression and anxiety.