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I feel so alone.

I’m having a day where the realization of my limits of being sick is hitting. I just want to get married and be a stay at home mom someday. I can barely fold laundry and put it away without feeling tired. Putting dishes away is exhausting. It took me two hours to clean one bathroom once bc I felt like I was going to pass out or throw up. But I’m the ridiculous one who has to prove I can do it even though I cried most of the way through it. I can’t imagine a day where I feel healthy enough to take care of kids and clean the house and cook and do everything that needs to be done. I can’t see that future and it hurts. Because that is the only thing I have ever wanted for my future. I don’t have a dream job and I can’t just travel and move as I’d like to. Honestly most days I can’t even see myself in the future. When I was in high school I didn’t think I’d live past 20. Not sure why 20 but it was 20. I can’t see myself having a future. Much less a future where I’m happy and living a normal ish life.

I’m so confused right now. Nothing has changed except that I am wondering if I could unblock you and be ok. But I know I’m not over you and it still hurts sometimes so the time isn’t right to unblock you. I just miss you. Even though we didn’t talk really and you never liked any of my posts, I liked knowing that you might see them at least. Sometimes I feel pathetic. We’ll see what happens in time.

“I wanna dry those tears, kiss those lips

It's all that I've been thinking about”

-“Can I Be Him” by James Arthur

This song was the main song I listened to last time I liked him, especially after he got a gf. And it broke my heart every time. Still hurts to hear to this day because it brings back all those feelings.

I’m not diagnosed as of now but there is discussion about me having PTSD. It is weird because I haven’t been through anything super traumatic aside from being sick my whole life. I haven’t ever thought that it affected me THAT much. I knew I was depressed from it but I never thought I was doing that bad with it.

I feel so numb when I think about you now, I’d rather feel sad or something other than this emptiness.

I miss you. I wish things would have turned out different.

Dear crush,

I just saw it was recently your birthday. Happy birthday. I wish I could tell you that. It makes me mad how sad I am that I missed your birthday. I’m also mad that I’m sad that I can’t just say happy birthday and be fine. I don’t want to break over this. It’s been a month since I blocked you and I thought I was fine. I wish I could just be there for certain things in your life. I miss you still and I hate myself for it. I hope you had a good birthday.

I saw something that said after a breakup wait 21 days and you should start to feel if you did the right thing and it should hurt less. I never dated you and only blocked you and it’s been a month. A full month. And I am still hurting just as much. And now I’m wondering if I did the right thing or not. I know I need to not talk to you but what’s the point of blocking you? To prove I could do it? To make you feel like you did something wrong? So you know you hurt me? I need to think some more.

Dear crush,

I dreamt about my soulmate again last night. It’s been awhile but it just shows me that even though right now I’m hurting and struggling, everything is going to be okay and I will get over you. It will be so worth it in the end.

I just want to see you. I wonder what you’d say if we bumped into each other somewhere. Probably nothing.

I’ve been blaming you for my sadness bc it’s easier to blame someone else than to realize that all this hurt is from myself. I’m sorry if that has somehow affected you. I know you never really cared about me so I doubt you care what I do or think. But you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry.

I’m having a bad day mentally and I just want to break down but I can’t. Too many people awake and around. I can’t talk to my friends bc I already feel like I’m annoying and a burden. Then to try and avoid this hurt my mind goes to him. And I can’t talk to him or anything bc I blocked him. And I can’t unblock him bc then I might get worse. Idk what to do.

I’m having a bad day mentally. I feel like I’ll never be good enough. I feel like no one will ever love me. I feel like I’m made to show love to others but never get it in return. I feel like I’ll never get over him. I feel like I’ll never find the one. I feel like I’ll never be happy again. But tomorrow I will put on a happy face for work and my family and I will hold it all inside.

A few days ago the urge to unblock him became too overwhelming. For me it was a pressure in my chest that was painful. As soon as I unblocked him it was gone and I wasn’t anymore sad than any other day. And I’m still doing ok. Sometimes you have to figure out what’s best for you. Maybe I’ll get bad again but right now I think I did the right thing. Everyone said it would make things worse but right now I feel a little better.

I’m not super sad or hurt when I see you. But I do miss you and I do want to talk to you. But I can’t. I wonder if you noticed I unblocked you. I wonder if you wondered why I did. I wonder if you think of me.

I hate how I compare everyone to you.

You know what sucks? Not only do I constantly want to see you and hug you and talk to you, I constantly want to talk about you to whoever will listen. I want to talk about how I miss you and want to see you. I want to ask people how you’re doing and what you’re up to. It sucks and I hate it.

Anyone else uncomfortable when they aren’t experiencing an extreme emotion?

My hedgehog died today, it’s awful and my heart is broken. And the only thing that I feel like could help even a little is hugging you and talking to you. But I can’t.