Who Am I?

Who am I?

Okay so like, I think I just accidentally became a fan of BTS?

Like I stumbled on a Christmas version of Butter, and I thought it would be funny to reference that in the Christmas novel I'm working on. But when I did, I ended up needing a random second BTS song. I've only heard Butter and Dynamite, so I thought I'd dig deeper for a song to reference. I found a list of their best songs and randomly chose a couple to listen to. All I wanted was an interesting song to reference and then like... Black Swan? Blood Sweat & Tears? Why are they so fucking good? And why did I listen to Singularity five times in a row and I'm about to listen to it again??? Is this how it happens? One moment you're happily living your life only sort-of tolerating the song Butter, and the next thing you know, you're down a rabbit hole of reading English translations and saying things to your husband like, Oh, those wings in the Blood Sweat & Tears video are the same ones in the Black Swan video, I'm sure of it, and I Need U is definitely not about someone getting stabbed right? and Ah, okay, Jungkook is the one with the lip ring and Suga is the laugh/cry emoji in my fanfic discord.

Today has been very, VERY weird.

TSIME: The Music

I'm gonna be honest, I'm not cool when it comes to music. I like what I like and some of it is basic AF. But I'm lucky that I have friends who have much more interesting taste than I do. On the Spotify playlist for TSIME, this is my favorite on the entire list and it's the very last one. My friend @curricanus gave it to me. The moment I heard it, I thought, if my fic was a movie, this would be the end credits song. It's playful and sweet and hopeful which is the note I wanted the story to go out on.

If you wanna hear the rest of the long ass playlist, it's here:

Rude to peep in my window like this.

I'm the slowest writer to ever exist, because I'm 95% paralyzed by perfectionism and anxiety. I get so in my head that I labor over single sentences for days. Sometimes weeks. A single 160 character tweet takes me at least an hour to write and rewrite ten times. Despite that, since 2012, I've written four full length novels, two novellas, and 460k words of fanfiction, which amounts to another six and a half novels.

Was all of that stuff good? Listen, my first two novels are fucking unreadable. The rest? Depends on who you ask. But whether they're good isn't the point. I wrote them. Letter by letter. Word by word. Sentence by goddamn sentence. I don't think you can do it, I fucking know you can, because I somehow managed it with a brain that spends most of its waking hours punching itself in the face, like the world's dumbest bully.

I'm not gonna tell you to believe in yourself. For someone filled with insecurity or self-loathing, believing in yourself can feel as far away as the moon. Much too distant to even contemplate. So no, you don't have to believe in yourself. You just have to keep going, no matter how you feel about you. You can be motivated by all kinds of things. Personally, I'm a big fan of spite. I will write because I was told not to write. I will write because I have a one-sided battle in my mind with everyone who ever doubted me, called me names, hit me, or treated me like I didn't have value.

Long story long, I believe in you, even if you don't. So, just fucking do the thing. Because you can.

I know you can.

You know what? I believe that you can finish your writing project. I believe you can update your fic. I believe you can work on your WIP. I don't care if you think it's cringy or bad. I don't care if we've never met or interacted in our whole lives. I believe in you. Keep going - you've got this.

No but seriously. Dragan sucks. Normally, I love the cold guy who secretly yearns for MC, but he's not cold or dismissive, he's DISDAINFUL. I ain't into an LI who makes me feel humiliated when I play. Effff him. I'm mostly interested in Volot and I'm cautiously interested in Ozar. I don't understand any of the interactions with Tata so she's not in the running, sadly.

Me after reading just 2 episodes of HWTU:

Please consider giving (even a little bit helps) to my friend Saga and the illustrious Queen Ana of Flutterton, who has a broken toe and meds and vet visits coming up. Thank you!

Ana and I are visiting the vet tomorrow to see how her toe has healed this past week (two weeks? I've lost track of time). It will be interesting to see what they say, considering she's a master at escaping her bandage 🫣

I'm very thankful for the support you guys have given me since this accident, but we're not really out of the woods just yet. As I mentioned in my original post, we have tomorrow's visit plus, most likely, a third visit in another two to three weeks. Veterinary costs are expensive enough, but then we have the medicine she has to take on top of that, which insurance doesn't cover 😭

If there is room in your budget, I would very much appreciate if you could spare €5 (approximately 5 USD/4 GBP) or more to help me out with covering these costs 💜

Photos from today when she a) managed to "free" herself from her bandage just before our lunch walk, and b) made Greta Thunberg proud by prohibiting food waste in form of picking up a loaf of bread from the street before her "mean" owner could even react (said "mean" owner just accepted her faith and are now praying the bread wasn't bad or anything because she does not want to have to deal with diarrhoea)