I Grew Up Believing

I grew up believing

unicorns exist.

Now that you're here,

arms wrapped tightly

around my waist

as I wake,

I learned to believe

forever exists too.

-love and unicorns,

katie, 01:23

December 15, 2019

23:30

Hey, it's me. We talked before. Now I am back to tell you more stories like I promised. My clock reads 11:30. I'm in bed, drinking my third mug of coffee. I am reading your favorite novel. It's silly but I feel nostalgic as I read it. Every chapter reminds me of you, my darling Ana. Your rawness, your beautiful flaws are all engraved in the words stained in each and every page. But before I totally lose myself in it, I feel it appropriate to ask first, how are you doing tonight? 

How are you doing there, in your time? Are you in bed reading too? Or are you in your desk writing the first line of your poem? It's something about him, isn't it? Oh don't worry, I know. 

I know that you think about love more often than you should. And you stain your notes with things associated with it. I want to tell you it's okay. It's okay to savor the moment. It's okay to fall in love. I don't know what age you are now. Maybe 16? All sweet and innocent. You know I fell in love for the first time when I was 16. Got my heart badly broken six months after I turned 18. It was a lot to go through but I survived. After that I stopped writing for a while. 

They say heartbreak makes a poet. Well it made me numb. I never loved again after I got my heart broken for the first time. I watched my shattered pieces,millions of screaming pieces bleeding on the floor. I spent years trying to mend me. But wholeness seemed evanescent. Lovers came and went, I taught myself to pretend. For years I rolled thousands of I love you's on my tongue while I felt so empty. So empty I wondered if anything could ever fill me up again. For something in me has died that day he ruined my faith in love and destiny. 

But he's a lovely memory. I never regretted loving him. He taught me how to sway in gaiety and laugh with the daffodils. He has to leave all right, and life was never the same. I began drinking when I was 19. I theorized liquor could drown my feelings, wash them all away. Since then I couldn't stop drinking. I took shots after shots as the crowd applaused me until I pass out cold. I was young and broken and stupid. Above all, I was numb. 

At 23, I became totally cynical. I took love for granted. Love took me for granted in return. I played fire like a fire dancer. I got burned but never minded the scars. I slept with lions but never feared death. Those moments, I was gladly signing my death sentence. At 25 I was totally addicted to loneliness. I began dining alone. I began doubting promises. I began driving people to the wall. I began breaking hearts. 

Are you still there?  I hope I am not scaring you with my stories. If I disturbed your poem writing, I'm deeply sorry. I just want to feed you tales. Tales you will search in your mind as precedents, before you make a decision sooner or later. Before you catch fire and burn. Before you catch cold and die. You know they always say, look before you leap. Well I say, listen to all these tales I keep. They waited years to be told. 

I was 27 when I realized it's time. It's time to  lower my guards down. It's time to trust love again. But that one person worthy of everything that I am never came until I was 28. And you know, when I caught a glimpse of him for the first time, I fell dazed. The familiarity was striking. The smile, the voice, the scent, oh it's him. He's the one I've been waiting. I looked at him and the world around me stopped. Everything else stopped. All of a sudden, it's just him and me. Even the cacophony fell silent to hear my heart drum erratically. It was surreal. 

We've been going out for months now and it always feels like the first time. It's crazy but I am head over heels in love with him. And you know what's even crazier, I actually got drank one Saturday to tell him what I feel. Oh, don't laugh at me. It's a clumsy move I know. But I was too nervous like a teenager. Too nervous I can't even act cool when he's around. 

Anyway, I hope you're happy my darling Ana. But if you're somewhere trapped between the devil and the deep blue sea, don't fret. Whatever it is that you're facing in your time, trust me there'll be better days. Tears are temporary. You will feel whole and loved again. If you're currently tearing yourself apart, don't revel too much in the pangs of brokenness. But if you have to, remember it isn't the end. Love will find you, slowly, eventually... 

Sorry I took a little of your time to tell you things you will later discover. You can go back to your poem writing now. Write about him, your love at the moment. Pour all your emotions, ink your diary with words that describe him. You will read them one day as I do now. And you will smile. But I would like you to know, your masterpieces will come years later. When you're 29 and start to write passionately about the man I told you about tonight. 

Wait for him. He will come. 

All my love, 

Your older self

Plot twist: I MARRIED HIM. 💗

-katie, 15:14

"May the heart, in its exhaustion, remember to rest and indulge into the sweet memories of love songs resounding from its yesteryears.

These are the soft rambles that filled your mind as you lay awake in bed at the early hours of dawn. Those austere longings that snared your heart, relentless as the wind blowing on the trees, swift as the waves kissing the sand, tenacious as the rain chiming in with the beat of the music coming from your stereo, they are here—neatly scribbled and compiled into an anthology. These are your stories. The love notes you hastily jotted down at the last page of your high school textbook, the poems you composed during your weekend getaways, the letters you struggled to ink on stationeries while ardently wishing that one day, the love of your life will find and read them.

They are finally here. The long walks on the beach. The late-night conversations. The sultry kisses at the back seat of your car. The lingering glances. The love songs. The promises. The sweet nothings! They are all here, captured in prose and poetry. So, dear reader, bury your nose on the pages with utmost gusto. Whether you are a sojourner, a bold and willing settler, or a classic runaway in love, you’ve had your own share of sweet nothings, I am sure. Allow yourself to remember. Allow yourself to rediscover your youth, relive the love stories that ended, make peace with the pains they caused. Above all, allow yourself to breathe and celebrate the love stories that won over the years and stayed."

-Sweet Nothings,

Ana Grasya

Avail a copy through the following links:

Google Play - https://books.google.co.in/books/about?id=-xhmEAAAQBAJ&redir_esc=y

Ukiyoto All Versions - https://www.ukiyoto.com/product-page/sweet-nothings

Ukiyoto Philippines (for those in the Philippines only) - https://www.ukiyotophilippines.com/product-page/sweet-nothings

You are neither a battle nor a war I have to win every passing day.

You are my refuge.

You are my home.

(you are everything that makes me want to survive)

............

Hindi ka isang laban na kailangan kong harapin at ipanalo sa bawat araw.

Ikaw ang kanlungan,

ang nag-iisang tahanan.

(ikaw ang bawat dahilan kung bakit nagsusumikap mabuhay)

-katie, 20:27

When I opened up about

my depression, my ex boyfriend

told me to get an exorcism

Yeah, if I remember it now

I can only laugh

and at the same time,

feel aghast at the ignorance

not just of my ex boyfriend

but of everyone else

who could not stop

the stigma that if you're

depressed, it's probably

because

you don't pray enough

that's why your mind

is so messed up like

paint splatters

Here's the thing, I pray

more than I should

kneel, hands clasped

tightly together as though

my whole life depends on

how firm my fingers could hold

on to one another, lips trembling,

trying to mumble pleas of guidance

to the Almighty, over and over

until I am certain that I am heard

Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt

His divine providence, but just as my anxiety

makes me go back to make

sure I left the door locked, I pray

five times a day to be sure my cries

reach the heavens

I pray harder than anyone I've ever

come across because I don't

wanna lose any chance to be cured

But then the demons still loom

inside my head, they managed

to make it their kingdom

You know one time, I was talking

to a dear friend and he told me,

"it's all in the mind"

My whole being sighed as I tried

to break free from the clutches,

the hands pushing my head deep

into the water, it's all in the mind,

my emotions aren't real

and if I could just snap out of it

then everything would be smooth

sailing, I am just sad

but my mind tends to intensify

that sadness, I overthink every

single thing even the ones I can't

control, and most often than not,

the sinking feeling leads me

to the decision that I am worthless

Grab a razor, a pin, a pair of scissors

anything sharp enough to cut

through my flesh so I could

bleed the negativities out

It's all in the mind, I try to

incorporate it in my mantra

However, just like the prayers

I say five time a day,

it does not work its magic trick on me

They told me I am merely an attention seeker

I am young and always in need of validation

That I always magnify my emotions

to their extremities

So I pull the sleeve of my cardigan

to cover the razor cuts, put on

a smile, okay I look dreadfully fine

The teacher calls me out, "sweetie

isn't it a little hot to be wearing

a cardigan?"

I tell her I am feverish as I feel

sweat dripping at my back

She'll leave me alone

like all of those who are

scared to meet me in the eye

but ended up judging me

I hear too many whispers

behind me, I say I don't mind

but I do, who wouldn't?

I just wish I could run

somewhere or could

disappear before the

stories catch up with me

My mother said I should ignore

people's opinion

for they don't define me, I do

But mama, the words crawl

on my bedroom wall, their

venom stain the pictures hanging,

the curtain, the floor

The noise becomes louder

drowning my heatbeat,

I put a hand over my chest,

It's time to pray again

I pray, pray harder than I used to

Beseech the heavens

to calm the waves devouring me

I repeat the mantra, seventy-seven times

It's all in the mind but the agony

is the realest I've ever felt in this life

I pull my cardigan, I can't bear to see

the cuts this time

I've been addicted long enough

to the sticky blood gushing

It's useless, for the real wound

is invisible

It's invisible

yet mighty enough to shrink

me into an insignificant mess

They all advised me to open up

so I can breathe

But, when I opened up about

my depression, my ex boyfriend

told me to get an exorcism

I am glad I didn't

-when i wore a cardigan at the height of summer, katie

image: https://id.pinterest.com/pin/730849845781054640/

Five more minutes,

I will watch the moon

for five more minutes

Pretend my pain

is washed away

by its gloomy light

reaching my teary eyes

I will watch it with ardor

as the ocean roars

drowning the sound

of my heart shattering

into million screaming pieces

that remind me of

the kisses I showered the wind,

thinking you're here

running your fingers

through my hair

Five more minutes

won't hurt me

so I will linger that long

Stare at the night sky

Count the stars

that twinkle and

lament those that

already consumed

themselves to dust

Savor the cool breeze

against my skin

Listen to the secrets

the ghosts whisper

in my ears: your name

bringing me back

all the memories

I refuse to bury

Five more minutes, my love

I will watch the moon

wishing you're somewhere

looking at it too

-katie, 23:53