Anger - Tumblr Posts - Page 2

Das ständige Quasseln ist ja das eine, was ich nie werde verstehen können. Das andere, was mir immer ein Rätsel bleiben wird, ist, wie man sich ständig beklagen und beschweren kann? Ja, hier beschwere ich mich auch oft. Irgendwo muss es eben raus. Und hier ist mein Platz dafür, ohne anderen damit groß auf die Nerven zu gehen. Lest oder scrollt weiter, eure Entscheidung.

Außerdem habe ich durchaus nicht ständig was zu meckern. Die Zeiten, in denen ich hier nichts schreibe oder im realen Leben nicht rede, sind die Zeiten, in denen es mir gut geht. Und das ist, zumindest meistens, häufiger der Fall.

Aber einem ständig schimpfenden Menschen im realen Leben aus dem Weg zu gehen, ist leider nicht so einfach. Ich muss mir sein indifferentes Getöse ständig anhören, ohne flüchten zu können. Und natürlich hilft es gar nicht, ihm seinem falschen Blick auf die Tatsachen zu zeigen, ihm die logischen Fehler aufzuzeigen oder irgendwelche Gegenbeweise anzutreten. Er gefällt sich offensichtlich darin, ständig an allem was auszusetzen zu haben. Und nichts, am allerwenigsten ich kleines Licht, wird ihn davon abhalten.

Was für eine bedauernswerte Kreatur. Und was für eine nervtötende...

AHHA

this might age me a bit, but i don't care. I hate schooling, I hate the whole way later high school is conveyed. the third and fourth year of high school should rely less on the parents checking in or really knowing how good a kid is doing in school. By the third year of high school a kid is 16/17. They will be old enough to move out, drive a car. but they aren't old enough to be in charge of their own schoolwork.

That isn't my only gripe with the school system, Edgenuity (an online schooling system), is making their p[programs have unskippable videos to "instruct students on their work". When a student is behind in this case, it becomes IMPOSSIBLE to catch up. I was someone who in their second year became so behind that some classes said ELEVEN HOURS per class. And I had eight classes that year. Six on the low side. I hope in the future of online learning kids will be able to skip videos if they know what they are doing. It is insane to make someone who is dreadfully behind to watch three hours worth of videos a day in order to catch up after being sick, busy, and burned out. TL:DR "I hate everything about the current schooling system. Also screw online schools they suck too"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA JAMIL PLEASE-

I JUST WANT JAMIL!!! WHY DID YOU TWO COME?? THE MIRROR HATES ME I SWEAR ;_;

Do you relate?

in my mind somewhere there is a version of myself dedicated to screaming “i don’t want an angry man in my house” 24 hours 7 days a week

They found your heart too big for the parcel’s size and sent it back.

The sun still sets for both of us on different ends. I would peak through from under my covers and wonder why the light was on so late when we’re supposed to be asleep. I bite my tongue as I see you vacuum seal your heart to give.

Like an angel and devil perched on my shoulders. I hold back my words, the silence mumbles like an angel, while the unsettling calm whispers like a devil, both urging me to tread cautiously, it feels a bit sacrilegious to ruin this moment for you.

I inhale deeply, though peace eludes me. Accepting the hate you think you deserve, swallowing it like a bitter pill they said would help, but it only hurts your stomach. They don’t know they caused the marbles in your brain, circling endlessly. You’ll find peace when you leave this past behind but I also know your brain would short circuit if it wasn’t thinking about something to keep you busy.

But as you get up to leave without looking back at the mess, I gather the anger you’ve left behind on the table, cradling it in my hands just as I do with the love you hold me to. Those feelings you have, seeming less weighty to you than to others. Not through the same eyes but with unseen hands, they reach down to pull the shadows beneath your eyes, harshly tearing with all the efforts you make.

But I see it all, just as I see you. Every morning, as the setting sun pours through the windows, bathing it’s forgiving light upon you when you finally gather the courage to crawl back into bed.

The sun bites down on my shoulder

I’m humming a song I can’t remember where I got it from; I think you sang it once when I was in the back seat of your car as we wound up the mountains. I put in my head that it was supposed to keep you out, but I’m singing your favorite song on my only free day. My childish defiance of your affection but you still find a way through me.

It’s warm, and I’m laying down against a beach lounge, letting the sun soak into my brown skin. It kisses me and I feel myself turning red, I know you hate it. I have my sunglasses on, and I act like I can’t hear anything except the sound of the waves breathing down my neck.

You kneel at my feet, where you belong, offering me a cup with a touch of kindness. As our hands briefly meet, I lower my sunglasses, allowing you to see the smile that reaches my eyes so you know I mean it, despite the darkened bags beneath them in the sunlight. With a whispered “thank you,” I take a sip, only to swallow the grit of sand you’ve placed in the cup.

I don’t want to grant you the satisfaction of my discomfort, I swallow without betraying my realization. It’s only later, in the quiet of my bathroom, that I cough it up, clutching the edges of the mirror. Through my blurred vision, all I can discern is the streak of teary eyeliner tracing down my face. I can’t even recognize myself but I know I’m stubborn and you exploit that until my skin burns with rashes worse than the sun could ever. Even months later, I still find myself coughing up bits of sand.

Grocery List

Remember to get raw meat—the kind that resembles the palms of your hands before they turn into angry fists; also, get tomatoes, you’ll know it’s good when it’s as red as your face like when you’re about to burst out of frustration; bite your own tongue, nobody believes a girl your age, instead, pick up some cow tongue for tonight’s curry; leave your heart to rest at home, people become greedy and grabby over things that aren’t theirs; grab milk, skip the skim, you’re not here to impress anyone; get this brand of chai masala, the one that impresses a man, but not enough to make him stay; skip the clothing store; find a salwar kameez cut from the same cloth as you and me, it’s cheaper that way; make sure you grab a newspaper on your way back; don’t stay out too late, it gets dangerous; have you heard about the mother who intentionally broke her daughter’s leg to save her? no amma, and please don’t do that to me, I promise I'll come home to you every night, just like I always do, I have nowhere else to go; only buy this particular brand of sugar, it’s sweet enough to satisfy a man’s desires yet respectful enough to safeguard a woman’s integrity; your split ends need attention; get bhringaraja oil, almond oil, and alma oil—specifically Dabur Vatika, not Parachute, that’s what you’ll need to grow hair long enough to keep you warm on cold nights, when there’s nobody to hold you; no need for jasmine perfumes; bottle your sadness into a scent, like the salty oceans out front; pick up some basmati rice; it’s just around the corner from the mishti store—what, you don’t know where it is? no, ma, there’s nothing there, the mishti store hasn’t been around for years; there was one, at least when I was younger; it must have been Pakistan that razed it to the ground; flames would seep from ruptured points and exit wounds on the streets as I made my way home from school; did you know they would sell rasgulla and rajbhog for a couple hundred taka? just like the amount your parents sold you off? Was it love then?; Mamoni, if it’s love that you’re looking for, you won’t find it for sale anywhere, true love only exists in poetry and books; can’t I buy books and read it out loud enough times until it becomes real enough for me to hold it in my hands?; mark off the food mold at the top of the list; it seems like it’s already shaped you into the woman you needed to become; don’t flash anger on me; anger is what a man exhibits when feeling insecure; are you any less than a man? no, amma, but sometimes I feel lesser than the lizards that crawl out inbetween the cracks of our walls at night; it’s not cruel; our ammas make us do this too, turning us into constant wars in our minds with no clear sight of the goal and out of reach; don’t look too deeply into the man with kajal under his eyes, dressed in a black kurti, even if he greets you with his hands down; he’s not the type to pen dramatic shayaris for you during arguments; he’s fluent only in Hindi, can’t even read Sanskrit, while you effortlessly weave poetry in Bengali, Hindi, Arabic, and hold onto the little Urdu you know, only because I raised you that way; he won’t opt for rickshaws or autos when you can easily walk the 8-minute distance to the grocery store; he’ll buy you the saris; he’ll buy you the jhumkas; he’ll even buy you the mendhi but won’t learn how to apply it for you; he won’t treat you to pani puri from the street vendor outside or let you coax the older bhai to add more chili powder to the mysterious liquid that’ll most definitely give you food poisoning; he won’t center your bindi for you; won’t allow you to adjust the collar of his kurti; doesn’t even consider offering you the last samosa; he’s a man raised among girls who were taught that their thoughts speak louder than words, and sometimes, not to speak at all; he won’t let you experience the freedom you have with me; don’t even entertain the idea of leaving me; oh, and one last thing, don’t forget to wear that dupatta; you always forget; sometimes, I think you do it deliberately to upset me

If you ever feel like listening to this, go ahead. I made this in order to calm my nerves down by putting some stupid little songs in here. Have fun! (Please follow my playlist, not my account <3)

Hope this helps!

Tips for Cluster B Anger

~ coming from someone who has BPD and a psychology special interest Have you been feeling like your anger is completely uncontrollable and all encompassing? Do you feel like your anger controls you more than you control it? Me too! But here are some things I've found to be helpful: - Taking notes. Write down triggers for what causes your anger episodes (as well as other episodes e.g sadness or paranoia) once you come down from it and start looking for a pattern. Not only will this help you to slow down and self reflect, you can begin to either avoid those triggers or find ways to regulate the effects. - SLOW DOWN. If something is making you want to hurt someone else or yourself, slow the FUCK down. Push against the grain, step back and let yourself have a good cry or scream into a pillow. Do whatever you can to (healthily) process the emotions, no matter how long it takes, before making major decisions. - Avoid self harm, substances or unhealthy habits like disordered eating or emotional self harm. It's so tempting, believe me, but it will only serve to make things worse. You might feel like you want it to get worse now, but in the future, you WILL regret it. If you start feeling these urges, refer to the urge surfing diagram below this. - Get outside advice. Think you're splitting but you can't tell? Run the situation by a close friend or loved one and see how they feel about it. Try to relay it with as little bias as possible and see if they agree with the decision you're about to make or if you perhaps need to reevaluate some things. - Take care of your heart. I know this is cliche, but a good sleep schedule, hearty food consumption habits, hydration, exercise routine and mental health care go a long way in helping you succeed in the above tips. You are struggling with an illness, and ill people need as much care as possible. Become your own parent. This works for anger in all Cluster B personality disorders, as well as with autism spectrum disorders! Urge surfing:

"Medial Anger" A quick sketch from my little sister's perspective, but what I think it could mean be her description on what the world is about these days.

no i, znowu tutaj... 

znowu z tym.

i have Insomnia 👍

i genuinely despise people who make fun of others for things they like, or put hate comments on things they dont like. if you dont like something just dont interact with it. its not that hard. "we should be allowed to hunt people in the [insert] community for sport😜" go kill yourself.