Do Not Rebagel - Tumblr Posts
Or maybe I just have a terrible memory due to my depression
Hell if I know, that's why the blog is titled the way it is
Despite what this sounds like its not a vent blog its sort of a stream of consciousness "I did research" blog
I'm quickly losing my ability to be friendly and have an upbeat voice which is bad for my job I'm still at for the next 2 and a half hours, everytime I get a call I just scream fuck again because I Can't Deal With (Most) People Right Now Fuck Off You Are All So Ducking Pretentious, surprisingly I'm not an idiot and you don't have to explain everything in excrutiating detail to me
Hm, yes, that's exactly what I wanted to hear
Causes of dissociative amnesia? Theres trauma, abuse, accidents, war, or maybe
ITS JUST S T R E S S
Like EVERY OTHER issue in my life
I don't have trauma.
I never experienced abuse.
I have a wonderful life.
I had a normal enough childhood.
Nothing is wrong with me except for me.
I need to accept that.
Everything is fine.
LONG ASS POST INCOMING IM GONNA REBLOG SEVERAL OF THESE TODAY FOR MY OWN REFERENCE
Communication abuse:
abuser punishing you for not showing enough interest in what they’re saying
abuser deciding what are appropriate reactions to their words and actions
abuser humiliating you for showing excitement/happiness
abuser shaming you for not showing will to participate when they think you should
abuser punishing you for a certain face expression(s)
abuser punishing you for having a certain emotional reaction to their words and actions
abuser demanding you shut down your emotions except for the ones they find convenient
abuser punishing you for contradicting them/challenging them on anything they say
abuser punishing you for confronting them on their lies
abuser comparing you to others to point out how you’re lacking/somehow worse than everyone else
abuser using any kind of inexperience/lack of knowledge/lack of skill to humiliate and depict you as a failure or an idiot
abuser making you extremely self-conscious about how you look and sound while you’re trying to socialize/communicate
abuser making you feel like everyone is noticing the same faults in you
abuser forcing you to consider how you’re viewed by them to the point of being unable to focus on what you want to say/express/do
abuser watching you when you’re not aware of it and proceeding to humiliate/hurt you for what you were doing while you thought you were unwatched
abuser making you feel like you’re always watched and judged by repeatedly catching you off guard and punishing you for it
abuser disregarding all your expressions of needs and emotions, letting you know that what you want and need is not important, and making you feel stupid for even voicing it
abuser ignoring your expression of pain or repeatedly insisting that you stop expressing it, have no reason to express it and finding your expression of pain an annoyance or a bother or even an attack on them
abuser hurting you even worse in reaction to your expression of pain, convincing you that the more you express it, the more they will hurt you, effectively making you scared of expressing pain and connecting it to further punishments
abuser taking your expressions of emotions as a personal insult and accusing you of hurting them on purpose, or even punishing you for it, just for expressing your personal emotions
Social abuse:
abuser showing off their control and authority over you in front of others
abuser humiliating you in front of others
abuser ordering you around, minimizing your presence and importance, and twisting your words and expressions in front of others
abuser talking in your name to others and making decisions for you
abuser making you seem selfish/cruel/inconsiderate/rude/mean to others if you disagree with their decisions
abuser publicly criticizing your appearance, actions, achievements or problems
abuser talking as if they’re the absolute authority on who you are and what your potential is
abuser talking about you to others as if you’re beneath them, and as if it’s okay to ignore your needs and interests completely, and not feel guilty or concerned about it
abuser encouraging and succeeding in having other people approve of abuse/perpetuate the abuse as well
abuser convincing other people the abuse is for your own good and getting validation for it
abuser having people on their side and rutting them against you
abuser successfully convincing other people you’re just trying to get attention and they should ignore you
abuser spreading information about you to your peers/friends/teachers that humiliates, ridicules, invalidates or villainaizes you
abuser painting a picture of you as a liar, hysterical, too emotional, delusional, crazy, unstable and not to be trusted in order to make sure you will not be believed when you try to speak out against them, or about any issue that bothers you
abuser telling others about abuse and trauma you’ve been thru without your permission/blaming the symptoms you show on trauma of their choosing
abuser telling others you’re abusive/selfish and twisting your intentions and actions to vilify you
abuser telling others about your mental illness, sexual orientation or other sensitive personal information that can easily be used against you, without your permission
abuser isolating you from your friends, support, and community and convincing you that nobody will stand on your side when it matters
abuser punishing you for who you choose to include in your social life and finding ways to make you regret it in order to dictate who you’re allowed to talk to
abuser stalking/eavesdropping/invading your privacy and using information they found against you/to control you
abuser convincing you that even people you thought care about you couldn’t possibly care because of who you are as a person, and shaming you for thinking for a second that you could be lovable to someone
abuser reacting to anything you say as if it was a stupid and unnecessary thing to say, and using it as a proof of you being of less intelligence
abuser continually reminding you how badly will others think of you if you continue doing what they disapprove of
abuser continually finding something wrong with you and pointing out how will others react to it if you don’t change it
abuser lying to you about what others have said about you/what they think of you
abuser deciding how others perceive you and what they think of you
abuser deciding what your place is in society and reminding you to “know your place” if you act outside the role
abuser displaying anger and punishing you if others give you positive attention
abuser denying others the chance to give you positive attention (taking their attention, getting them away from you, interrupting and starting a new topic when they’re trying to talk to you)
abuser making a show of caring about you, only to change it into ridicule and humiliation
abuser putting you in situation they already know is going to end up in public humiliation
abuser having you spend time in an abusive and hostile environment, being forced to endure socializing with people who will take any chance to attack and emotionally abuse you, without the ability to confront them or escape
abuser forcing you to change what you think of yourself based on how they see you, having you look at yourself only from their point of view and deciding it’s who you are
abuser taking away your means of communication (phone, internet, and any other means you would usually use to communicate with others)
Social Abuse and Communication Abuse: Abuse that will affect the way socialize and see yourself within a social group, and the way you’re able to express and communicate. Bold or copy ones done to you, italicize and copy if you’re not sure! Alternatively, just count how many apply to you and write down the numbers.
Communication abuse:
abuser punishing you for not showing enough interest in what they’re saying
abuser deciding what are appropriate reactions to their words and actions
abuser humiliating you for showing excitement/happiness
abuser shaming you for not showing will to participate when they think you should
abuser punishing you for a certain face expression(s)
abuser punishing you for having a certain emotional reaction to their words and actions
abuser demanding you shut down your emotions except for the ones they find convenient
abuser punishing you for contradicting them/challenging them on anything they say
abuser punishing you for confronting them on their lies
abuser comparing you to others to point out how you’re lacking/somehow worse than everyone else
abuser using any kind of inexperience/lack of knowledge/lack of skill to humiliate and depict you as a failure or an idiot
abuser making you extremely self-conscious about how you look and sound while you’re trying to socialize/communicate
abuser making you feel like everyone is noticing the same faults in you
abuser forcing you to consider how you’re viewed by them to the point of being unable to focus on what you want to say/express/do
abuser watching you when you’re not aware of it and proceeding to humiliate/hurt you for what you were doing while you thought you were unwatched
abuser making you feel like you’re always watched and judged by repeatedly catching you off guard and punishing you for it
abuser disregarding all your expressions of needs and emotions, letting you know that what you want and need is not important, and making you feel stupid for even voicing it
abuser ignoring your expression of pain or repeatedly insisting that you stop expressing it, have no reason to express it and finding your expression of pain an annoyance or a bother or even an attack on them
abuser hurting you even worse in reaction to your expression of pain, convincing you that the more you express it, the more they will hurt you, effectively making you scared of expressing pain and connecting it to further punishments
abuser taking your expressions of emotions as a personal insult and accusing you of hurting them on purpose, or even punishing you for it, just for expressing your personal emotions
Social abuse:
abuser showing off their control and authority over you in front of others
abuser humiliating you in front of others
abuser ordering you around, minimizing your presence and importance, and twisting your words and expressions in front of others
abuser talking in your name to others and making decisions for you
abuser making you seem selfish/cruel/inconsiderate/rude/mean to others if you disagree with their decisions
abuser publicly criticizing your appearance, actions, achievements or problems
abuser talking as if they’re the absolute authority on who you are and what your potential is
abuser talking about you to others as if you’re beneath them, and as if it’s okay to ignore your needs and interests completely, and not feel guilty or concerned about it
abuser encouraging and succeeding in having other people approve of abuse/perpetuate the abuse as well
abuser convincing other people the abuse is for your own good and getting validation for it
abuser having people on their side and rutting them against you
abuser successfully convincing other people you’re just trying to get attention and they should ignore you
abuser spreading information about you to your peers/friends/teachers that humiliates, ridicules, invalidates or villainaizes you
abuser painting a picture of you as a liar, hysterical, too emotional, delusional, crazy, unstable and not to be trusted in order to make sure you will not be believed when you try to speak out against them, or about any issue that bothers you
abuser telling others about abuse and trauma you’ve been thru without your permission/blaming the symptoms you show on trauma of their choosing
abuser telling others you’re abusive/selfish and twisting your intentions and actions to vilify you
abuser telling others about your mental illness, sexual orientation or other sensitive personal information that can easily be used against you, without your permission
abuser isolating you from your friends, support, and community and convincing you that nobody will stand on your side when it matters
abuser punishing you for who you choose to include in your social life and finding ways to make you regret it in order to dictate who you’re allowed to talk to
abuser stalking/eavesdropping/invading your privacy and using information they found against you/to control you
abuser convincing you that even people you thought care about you couldn’t possibly care because of who you are as a person, and shaming you for thinking for a second that you could be lovable to someone
abuser reacting to anything you say as if it was a stupid and unnecessary thing to say, and using it as a proof of you being of less intelligence
abuser continually reminding you how badly will others think of you if you continue doing what they disapprove of
abuser continually finding something wrong with you and pointing out how will others react to it if you don’t change it
abuser lying to you about what others have said about you/what they think of you
abuser deciding how others perceive you and what they think of you
abuser deciding what your place is in society and reminding you to “know your place” if you act outside the role
abuser displaying anger and punishing you if others give you positive attention
abuser denying others the chance to give you positive attention (taking their attention, getting them away from you, interrupting and starting a new topic when they’re trying to talk to you)
abuser making a show of caring about you, only to change it into ridicule and humiliation
abuser putting you in situation they already know is going to end up in public humiliation
abuser having you spend time in an abusive and hostile environment, being forced to endure socializing with people who will take any chance to attack and emotionally abuse you, without the ability to confront them or escape
abuser forcing you to change what you think of yourself based on how they see you, having you look at yourself only from their point of view and deciding it’s who you are
abuser taking away your means of communication (phone, internet, and any other means you would usually use to communicate with others)
If you bold more than 5 of these, you’ve been abused and sabotaged from ever establishing a healthy way of expressing, communicating and socializing with others. In other words, no you’re not bad at expressing, you’re not bad at communication, you’re not at fault for struggling to socialize, this was done to you to sabotage you from ever having a healthy start. (also if you’re struggling with social anxiety it’s very likely abuse has played a part in it, or at least made it worse)
REBLOGGING SEVERAL OF THESE TODAY, CHECK THE TAGS AND MUTE IF NEEDED
Physical abuse
parent slapped me to prove their point/teach me a lesson
parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good
parent pulled on my hair to force me to move
parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me
parent trapped me into a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them
parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them/tried to confront them
parent used a twig/stick/belt to lash at my body
parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them
parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping
parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life
parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries
parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say
parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eat
parent made an attempt at strangling/drowning/burning me
parent banged my head/body into the wall/furniture
parent forced me into sexual activities
Emotional abuse
parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once
parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice
parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun
parent insulted and devalued something really important to me
parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me
parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once
parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault
parent shamed me for my physical appearance
parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough
parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all
parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I got hurt from their insults
parent never comforted me/got angry if I reached for comfort
parent punished me for crying/showing fear/showing trauma symptoms
parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness
parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter
parent got angry at me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal
parent blamed me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal
parent compared me to cousins/other children to prove how I’m the worst
parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them
parent told me that I was crazy/delusional/need to be locked away
parent threatened me with kicking me out/sending away if I don’t change
parent refused to accept my sexuality/tried to force it to change
parent required for me to act normal to protect family’s reputation
parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy
parent assured me that nobody will ever want me
parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse
parent made me responsible for their well being and made me the caretaker
parent insisted that their harmful acts were all made “out of love”
parent demanded me to be available for their requests at any time
parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries
parent destroyed my belongings as a revenge
parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence
parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me
Psychological Abuse
parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I wont achieve anything
parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks
parent would change their side of the agreement in crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start
parent stalked me/distrusted me without any reason/invaded my privacy
parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument
parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched me do it
parent threatened to leave me
parent accused me regularly of behaving the way they did
parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions
parent always demanded they are right without any proof/explanation
parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof
parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me
parent gaslighted me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did
Neglect
parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly
parent didn’t notice I was sick/didn’t care for me while I was sick
parent didn’t notice I was injured
parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes/shoes I needed for school
parent didn’t notice I suffered from trauma
parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed
parent didn’t notice I was depressed
parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself
parent didn’t notice I was suicidal
parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused
parent didn’t notice I was being bullied
parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed
parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care
parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive
when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it
Financial Abuse
parent made me feel ashamed for needing money
parent made me feel like I’m a financial burden to them
parent only gave me minimal money to survive
parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me
parent took the money I earned from me
parent used the money to blackmail me (if you continue this way let’s see who will pay for your bus ticket!)
parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions
parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything
parent refused to get my medicine/get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves
parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not
parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity
parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age
parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them
Let’s play, “was I abused” game! Reblog and bold the things your parents have done to you! Italicize if you’re not sure. (copy paste it all and then bold)
Physical abuse
parent slapped me to prove their point/teach me a lesson
parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good
parent pulled on my hair to force me to move
parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me
parent trapped me into a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them
parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them/tried to confront them
parent used a twig/stick/belt to lash at my body
parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them
parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping
parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life
parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries
parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say
parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eat
parent made an attempt at strangling/drowning/burning me
parent banged my head/body into the wall/furniture
parent forced me into sexual activities
Emotional abuse
parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once
parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice
parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun
parent insulted and devalued something really important to me
parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me
parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once
parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault
parent shamed me for my physical appearance
parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough
parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all
parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I got hurt from their insults
parent never comforted me/got angry if I reached for comfort
parent punished me for crying/showing fear/showing trauma symptoms
parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness
parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter
parent got angry at me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal
parent blamed me for feeling depressed/angry/tired/suicidal
parent compared me to cousins/other children to prove how I’m the worst
parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them
parent told me that I was crazy/delusional/need to be locked away
parent threatened me with kicking me out/sending away if I don’t change
parent refused to accept my sexuality/tried to force it to change
parent required for me to act normal to protect family’s reputation
parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy
parent assured me that nobody will ever want me
parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse
parent made me responsible for their well being and made me the caretaker
parent insisted that their harmful acts were all made “out of love”
parent demanded me to be available for their requests at any time
parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries
parent destroyed my belongings as a revenge
parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence
parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me
Psychological Abuse
parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I wont achieve anything
parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks
parent would change their side of the agreement in crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start
parent stalked me/distrusted me without any reason/invaded my privacy
parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument
parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched me do it
parent threatened to leave me
parent accused me regularly of behaving the way they did
parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions
parent always demanded they are right without any proof/explanation
parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof
parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me
parent gaslighted me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did
Neglect
parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly
parent didn’t notice I was sick/didn’t care for me while I was sick
parent didn’t notice I was injured
parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes/shoes I needed for school
parent didn’t notice I suffered from trauma
parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed
parent didn’t notice I was depressed
parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself
parent didn’t notice I was suicidal
parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused
parent didn’t notice I was being bullied
parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed
parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care
parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive
when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it
Financial Abuse
parent made me feel ashamed for needing money
parent made me feel like I’m a financial burden to them
parent only gave me minimal money to survive
parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me
parent took the money I earned from me
parent used the money to blackmail me (if you continue this way let’s see who will pay for your bus ticket!)
parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions
parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything
parent refused to get my medicine/get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves
parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not
parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity
parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age
parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them
If you bold more than 5 things, you have been through abuse. For some particular ones, even one true thing on this list means you’ve been badly harmed by your parents. Also this list is not complete, there are many more abusive behaviours not listed here, feel free to add!
WRONG BLOG
“Have I been manipulated into believing abuse was my fault?” game! Bold all the items that happened to you, if you’re not sure, italicize! Alternatively, just write down the score for every category. TW for explicit abuse mention.
Brainwashing; forced to take responsibility for abuser’s actions:
I was forced to apologize after being beaten/abused
I was beaten/abused while apologizing and in obvious pain
I was beaten/abused while crying
I was forced to thank them for beating/abusing me
I was forced to promise them I would change my behaviour in the future
I wasn’t allowed to cry or express pain after being beaten/abused
I was told the parent was the one with the right to cry/be upset after beating/abusing me
I was forced to comfort them after they beat/abused me
I was forced to take on pain/humiliation/guilt until I would agree that it was all my fault
I was forced to agree that I was forcing them to beat/abuse me, with my misbehaviour
I was forced to agree that I deserved the abuse
I was forced to make up to them after they would abuse me
I was forced to clean up the mess they made during abuse
I was forced into breaking down to tears if I tried to fight for myself
I was forced to hurt myself to prove my remorse for behaviour
I was forced to repeat that it was my fault
I was told the abuser didn’t enjoy doing it and was in fact forced to do it for my own good
I was called a monster/demon/sadistic/evil and accused of enjoying abuser’s pain
I was told abuse was done for my own good and that one day I will understand and be grateful for it
I was expected to have positive reactions to abuse and any negative reaction was blamed on me
I was punished for showing trauma symptoms and for showing in any way that I was abused, only acceptable way of behaviour was obedience and unconditional gratitude
I was told others were treated exactly like this, even if they weren’t showing it, and that the abuse was completely normal
I was told my reactions weren’t normal and made to focus on how I was reacting to the abuse, rather than damage and injustice done to me
I was told my reactions to abuse were the reason of the abuse, and that I was in the wrong for fighting/pushing back/provoking/not listening/not being obedient enough/angering the abuser
I was told the abuse was because “I wouldn’t have it the nice way”
I was forced to endure harsh punishments for even a small mistake or no mistake at all
I was told all I got was what I deserved, even if I couldn’t connect to how I deserved it, except that the abusers felt I did
Note: Doing any of these to a child after having them go through beating or intense episode of shock, pain and fear will leave them in a broken and vulnerable state of mind, and anything said to them or forced onto them while in that state will imprint deeply into their subconscious, and they will accept the message without being able to fight it. This is a method of brainwashing. Abuser will do this to crush child’s spirit and to destroy the child’s ability to hold abuser accountable or responsible for any abuse that occurs in the future, to transfer all the guilt and responsibility for their own actions onto the child, and depict themselves as too powerful for child to ever be able to stand against.
Dehumanization: implication you are below a human being and thus do not deserve humane treatment
I was called animal names/slurs/insults and degrading terms continually
I was told I should be beaten up and abused more often than I was
I was compared to beasts and monsters when the abusers were angry
Beating/abusing me was talked about as if it was a good thing they were proud of
I was publically beaten and/or humiliated
I was threatened with public humiliation
I had my physical injuries minimized and dismissed as unimportant
I had my psychological and emotional damage minimized and dismissed as unimportant
I had my illness minimized and dismissed as unimportant
I had my needs and desires minimized and dismissed as unimportant
I had my achievements and accomplishments minimized and dismissed as unimportant
I had my opinions and thoughts disregarded and ridiculed as stupid, unwanted and unimportant
I was blamed for struggling with mental or physical illness
I was called crazy, delusional and insane if I pointed out the unfair tratment
I was looked at with disgust and contempt most of the time
I was accused of wanting to be abused and asking for it
I was accused of “causing a scene” when the abuser would lash out at me
I was forced to “learn my place” if I assumed the same rights everyone else had
I was excluded from positive activities the rest of the family participated in
I was denied the rights, benefits, resources and attention the rest of the family got
Forced gratitude/implication of debt: idea that you “owe” your parents to endure their abuse
parent kept reminding me of what they’ve done for me, even the most basic parental tasks
parent often stated or implied I was ungrateful/not grateful enough for them
parent insisted they were sacrificing themselves for me, implying they expect the same in return
parent kept pointing out others lower living standards to remind me I was “lucky” in comparison
parent demanded I would have to “earn” basic respect and boundaries
parent would not allow me to complain, object or resist their treatment and if I tried, they would remind me I deserved even worse
parent insisted any abuse is perfectly acceptable and rational and that I am wrong and “taking advantage of them/denying their rights” if I resist or fight it
parent stated or implied that I’m supposed to return their effort to them with favours, obedience, endurance and compliance, or I was not worth raising and being kept alive at all
parent insisted that they have the right to do anything to me since they’re the only reason I’m alive at all (I was treated like their property)
parent made it clear it was forbidden to speak of past abuse or past events that show them in bad light, but they would keep bringing up events which paint them as good parent and keep them central to how they should be perceived by me
parent accused me of making things up/lying/being crazy or mentally ill/trying to manipulate or hurt them when I tried to talk about an event of abuse and point out they hurt me
parent kept me hyperaware of how much I owe them and how much I would risk losing if I dared to accuse them/confront them on being abusive
parent would remind me it could be much worse, and would use other people’s suffering to shut me up and make me feel guilty for even thinking I could talk about my own issues
parent kept me aware that accusing them of any abuse is hurtful and abusive towards them, and that I am cruel and ungrateful if I dare to make any statement like that
parent told me I was wrong/weird/stupid for getting traumatized by abuse because “others wouldn’t get traumatized by that much”
parent made me aware of all the issues they were dealing with, and treated my needs for attention and positive environment like an extra issue they do not want to deal with
parent kept me aware of how sick/mentally ill/troubled/desperate/tired they were and kept me feeling guilty over not doing enough for them, not being enough of a support and help, and having my own needs and wants was out of the question
parent made me aware they’re ready to abandon me if I prove to be “too much work” or “too inconvenient” or even just “not obedient enough”
parent made sure I know all their other issues and life problems were more important than me, and that it was not my place to complain, ask for anything, or object to how I’m treated
parent accused of “living in the past” and “failing to be a bigger person” if I didn’t show perfect adoration and acceptance for them
parents assured me i would turn into a spoiled, arrogant brat had they not abused me
Societal brainwashing; forcing the idea that no parents are abusive, and that all parental abuse has to be forgiven at any cost
parent/society taught me I was a bad/selfish/ungrateful person unless I forgive and forget all and any abuse
parent/society taught me I was an awful, ungrateful and selfish child if I didn’t demonstrate perfect love and gratitude for my parents
parent/society taught me it was my duty to understand and accept my parents, and that no matter what, they were doing their best and wished only the best things for me
parent/society taught me that I was responsible for teaching my parents how to be better people
parent/society taught me I should never judge or accuse my parents because “I couldn’t possibly understand how hard time they’re having”
parent/society taught me any animosity, hatred, anger or any negative thing I had to say about my parents proved me to be bad, ungrateful and unappreciative person
parent/society taught me that all parents only want the best for their children and there are no parents who hate or hurt their children on purpose
parent/society taught me that there was nothing that can be done about me getting hurt by my parents, and that it was up to my parents to decide what I deserve
my parents/society taught me that being bothered by abuse was my own fault and if I wasn’t weak and pathetic, it wouldn’t have affected me at all
my parents had other people affirm they were good people and thus I was wrong to accuse or judge them for anything they did to me
my parents had other people agree that I was not normal and there was something wrong with my judgment and perceptions, so my point of view shouldn’t be trusted or even taken into consideration
my parents had other people agree that I was a selfish, unappreciative, and hard to raise child
i had family members/cousins/friends/teachers/acquintaces/therapists side with my abusers and against me
I had family members/cousins/friends/teachers/therapists defend my abuser and take their side, assuring me I have to, once again, forget my point of view and consider abuser’s side
I had other people/society defend the abuser and assure me I’m wrong to accuse them
my parents insisted the abuse/parts of abuse/events i remembered didn’t even happen, and that there was something wrong with me for making up such a thing (gaslighting;guilt tripping, maybe i should write another category for this one)
my parents were a part of religion/cult that excused all and any of their actions because they were doing it for the sake of the third party that had to be worshiped/obeyed (maybe i should write a cult category as well there is much more to this one)
If you bolded even one of the items on the first two categories, or multiple ones in third and fourth, you have undergone psychological abuse that would force you to believe it was your fault, or that you deserved the abuse. This is wrong, as you neither deserved it, nor it was your fault. You were a child, and there was no way for you to commit any crime bad enough to deserve anything like this. These methods are used for brainwashing and breaking a person, and abusers do these on purpose.
LONG POST, SEE TAGS TO MUTE
Psychological brainwashing
they use every little slip-up or mistake as a proof that I’m incapable of independency
they humiliate my work and insist I’m never going to be good enough to make it on my own
they insist I make bad decisions, and they know better for my life, even though I’m an adult
they claim that the way I’m going, I’m never going to become anything in life
they convinced me I would be dead without them
they threatened my life when I wouldn’t do as they want me to
they remind me they hold my life in their hands, and that I have to do as I’m told
they put me in situation where I can’t collect myself fast enough to do things properly, and then use it as a proof that I can’t do anything right (for instance, yelling at you while you try to drive a car, then humiliating you when you make a mistake because of their yelling)
they convinced me escaping them equals death
they talked about all the ways I would lose everything and end up dying from starvation, sickness, assault, lack of shelter, lack of resources if I leave, and it would be all my fault
they keep reminding me of how much worse I could have it, and how much worse others have it
they told me other people would judge me even worse, abuse/beat me more, and that I don’t even know how lucky I am to be with them
they make it seem like I would be taking up too much space and be a nuisance to good people I were to leave, they make it seem like it would be stupid for me to live anywhere else
they keep convincing me I would end up being most pathetic person if I tried to live on my own
they threatened me with poverty and starvation, and they look down on poor people to the point where I’m sure they would find me stupid and pathetic if I were to end up poor
they told me that nobody else would tolerate and accept me, and if I escape from them, all the doors would be closed to me, and society would abandon me completely
they cause a scene including violence and abuse, and then afterwards their attitude suddenly changes and they’re gentle and nice to me, making me feel very disoriented and confused
they keep me in awful living conditions, but sometimes they’ll offer me some gift or privilege that feels like I’m special to them, and makes me believe things are okay
they finance my addiction or supply me with something I can’t do without so I have to stay
I know I’m not supposed to tell anyone about their mistreatment of me, or make them look bad in any way, even bolding things on this list feels like a forbidden thing to do
I’m not allowed to mention the times they hurt or abused me, and if I do, they get upset, and reverse the situation so it seems that it was my fault, or I deserved it, or I made it up
I’m aware every day of the things I’m not supposed to do, if I don’t want to upset them, and have to walk on eggshells around them most of the time
I feel like things could get better if I stay, even if it’s really bad right now
I remember things being so great, I can’t let go of hope that it’s going to be like that again
I feel like I’m addicted to them and couldn’t leave if I wanted to
I feel like they’re the only person who could ever love me
I don’t believe I could survive without them
I’m scared of them, but I’m not allowed to say it
I’m too damaged at this point to be living with normal people, there is no place for me except here
Violence and threats
they break my things if I’m away when they expect me/need me to be home
they threatened to hurt me if I leave
they threatened to hurt themselves if I leave
they threatened that I will be dragged back if I leave
they threatened to call the police if I leave
they threatened to kill me if I leave
they threatened to hurt someone I love if I leave
they threatened to hurt/kill my pet if I leave
they threatened to put me in a mental institution when I expressed distress at how they treat me
they punish every little disobedience from their rules so severely, I feel like the punishment for leaving would be death
Emotional manipulation and guilt
they claim to be worried about me, but their worried actions always make my situation much worse, and end up sabotaging everything I’m trying to do
they remind me that I have to be grateful to them, because they’re the only reason I’m still alive
they disapprove of me having friends, and get upset if I spend a lot of time with friends
they make me feel like I’m a horrible person for not loving them, and for wanting to get away
they make me feel so guilty and ashamed for not feeling the way I’m supposed to
they make me believe they’ll be hurt if I leave, and I would be cruel to do that to them
they cause a scene and make me feel very guilty if I talk about leaving
they seem so distressed about me leaving, it’s hard for me to not feel guilty for distressing them
Escape Sabotage
they traumatized me to the point where I can’t take care of myself on my own, and they blame me for it
they caused me cptsd/anxiety/depression that stops me from regular life activities and forces me to rely on them to provide for me
they keep making my cptsd/anxiety/depression worse, and make it impossible for me to recover
they make sure I never have enough resources to run away (take away my money, monitor my finances, overwork and exhaust me to the point where I can’t hold down a job)
they manipulated me into signing a contract that binds me to them, or a certain place, or keeps my money out of my reach, and under their control, making it harder to leave
they disapprove of me getting more education or a job, especially if it’s far away
they cause me distress in crucial moments when I need to focus on accomplishing something (for instance, yelling at you for something right when you need to finish and submit your final work)
Am I being held hostage by abuser(s)? Checklist. Bold the ones that happened to you, italicize if you’re not sure.
Psychological brainwashing
they use every little slip-up or mistake as a proof that I’m incapable of independency
they humiliate my work and insist I’m never going to be good enough to make it on my own
they insist I make bad decisions, and they know better for my life, even though I’m an adult
they claim that the way I’m going, I’m never going to become anything in life
they convinced me I would be dead without them
they threatened my life when I wouldn’t do as they want me to
they remind me they hold my life in their hands, and that I have to do as I’m told
they put me in situation where I can’t collect myself fast enough to do things properly, and then use it as a proof that I can’t do anything right (for instance, yelling at you while you try to drive a car, then humiliating you when you make a mistake because of their yelling)
they convinced me escaping them equals death
they talked about all the ways I would lose everything and end up dying from starvation, sickness, assault, lack of shelter, lack of resources if I leave, and it would be all my fault
they keep reminding me of how much worse I could have it, and how much worse others have it
they told me other people would judge me even worse, abuse/beat me more, and that I don’t even know how lucky I am to be with them
they make it seem like I would be taking up too much space and be a nuisance to good people I were to leave, they make it seem like it would be stupid for me to live anywhere else
they keep convincing me I would end up being most pathetic person if I tried to live on my own
they threatened me with poverty and starvation, and they look down on poor people to the point where I’m sure they would find me stupid and pathetic if I were to end up poor
they told me that nobody else would tolerate and accept me, and if I escape from them, all the doors would be closed to me, and society would abandon me completely
they cause a scene including violence and abuse, and then afterwards their attitude suddenly changes and they’re gentle and nice to me, making me feel very disoriented and confused
they keep me in awful living conditions, but sometimes they’ll offer me some gift or privilege that feels like I’m special to them, and makes me believe things are okay
they finance my addiction or supply me with something I can’t do without so I have to stay
I know I’m not supposed to tell anyone about their mistreatment of me, or make them look bad in any way, even bolding things on this list feels like a forbidden thing to do
I’m not allowed to mention the times they hurt or abused me, and if I do, they get upset, and reverse the situation so it seems that it was my fault, or I deserved it, or I made it up
I’m aware every day of the things I’m not supposed to do, if I don’t want to upset them, and have to walk on eggshells around them most of the time
I feel like things could get better if I stay, even if it’s really bad right now
I remember things being so great, I can’t let go of hope that it’s going to be like that again
I feel like I’m addicted to them and couldn’t leave if I wanted to
I feel like they’re the only person who could ever love me
I don’t believe I could survive without them
I’m scared of them, but I’m not allowed to say it
I’m too damaged at this point to be living with normal people, there is no place for me except here
Violence and threats
they break my things if I’m away when they expect me/need me to be home
they threatened to hurt me if I leave
they threatened to hurt themselves if I leave
they threatened that I will be dragged back if I leave
they threatened to call the police if I leave
they threatened to kill me if I leave
they threatened to hurt someone I love if I leave
they threatened to hurt/kill my pet if I leave
they threatened to put me in a mental institution when I expressed distress at how they treat me
they punish every little disobedience from their rules so severely, I feel like the punishment for leaving would be death
Emotional manipulation and guilt
they claim to be worried about me, but their worried actions always make my situation much worse, and end up sabotaging everything I’m trying to do
they remind me that I have to be grateful to them, because they’re the only reason I’m still alive
they disapprove of me having friends, and get upset if I spend a lot of time with friends
they make me feel like I’m a horrible person for not loving them, and for wanting to get away
they make me feel so guilty and ashamed for not feeling the way I’m supposed to
they make me believe they’ll be hurt if I leave, and I would be cruel to do that to them
they cause a scene and make me feel very guilty if I talk about leaving
they seem so distressed about me leaving, it’s hard for me to not feel guilty for distressing them
Escape Sabotage
they traumatized me to the point where I can’t take care of myself on my own, and they blame me for it
they caused me cptsd/anxiety/depression that stops me from regular life activities and forces me to rely on them to provide for me
they keep making my cptsd/anxiety/depression worse, and make it impossible for me to recover
they make sure I never have enough resources to run away (take away my money, monitor my finances, overwork and exhaust me to the point where I can’t hold down a job)
they manipulated me into signing a contract that binds me to them, or a certain place, or keeps my money out of my reach, and under their control, making it harder to leave
they disapprove of me getting more education or a job, especially if it’s far away
they cause me distress in crucial moments when I need to focus on accomplishing something (for instance, yelling at you for something rigth when you need to finish and submit your final work)
if you can bold even 3 of these, your abusers are aware that they’re abusing you, and that is logical for you to want to get away from them, and they’re making direct actions to sabotage and stop you from escaping.Only reason they would try to convince you that you can’t survive without them is that they know you are able to, and they’re actively trying to stop it. If you feel pathetic for not being able to leave, this isn’t true, you’ll notice abusers are putting shitton of work making sure you can’t leave, they wouldn’t be doing that if they really thought you were too pathetic to leave? They’re sabotaging you because they know you can get away.
Also, presenting themselves as the only source of survival, love, and comfort to you? They’re trying to affect you to trauma bond to them and have you develop Stockholm Syndrome, that means you’d be forced to make decisions for their benefit instead of yours, and you wouldn’t be able to fight against them because it would mean risking your life.
LONG POST, SEE TAGS TO MUTE
Social abuse
they hate my friends, and want me to spend less time with them, or completely cut them out of my life
they’ve affected me to drop more than one friend from my life
they’ve managed to isolate me from family members, friends, acquaintances and people I used to enjoy spending my time with
they get angry if I enjoy my time out with friends/family, and call my socializing derogatory names, as if hanging out with people was a luxury I’m not supposed to enjoy
they lie about what people have said about me/think about me, in a way that makes me feel humiliated and hated by everyone
their behaviour towards me changes drastically based on who we’re with, they’re completely different when we’re alone compared to when we are in someone else’s company
they lie about our relationship to others, in front of me, and I feel I’m not allowed to challenge them
they threaten me in private to how I’m supposed to act when in public
they humiliate me in public and in front of their friends
they tell people to “just ignore me” and teach them how to dismiss me and my feelings
they talk badly about me to their friends and family and/or mine
they lie to others about what I’ve said and done, making sure I look awful
they make decisions for me and relay them to others without my permission, making sure I look selfish/rude/inconsistent/cruel if I don’t follow through
they mock my talk, walk, behaviour, opinions and features in front of others
they allow others to insult and humiliate me, and they dismiss it all as jokes
they allow others to say offensive, triggering and cruel things to me and they encourage it
they use my reactions to prove to others how I’m overemotional, too sensitive, hysterical or crazy
Emotional abuse
they yell at me even when I’m already crying
they make me feel as if no matter how much I try, I’m never good enough
they call me ugly/lazy/worthless/miserable/toxic, and act like they’re allowed to because it’s the “truth”
when I really need their help/support/comfort, they’re emotionally unavailable, or show no interest in helping me
they make me feel guilty and ashamed if I’m not there for them at any moment, and accuse me of caring too much about other people and activities, when I should make it all about them
they use every opportunity to talk about themselves and ignore whatever I say as if I only said it to offer them a chance to talk about their own issues, even if their issues are much smaller
they intentionally leave out some vital details about their life and feelings, only to use them later to prove how neglectful and ignorant I am of their issues, regardless of how much I listen to them
they make me participate in activities I don’t enjoy, benefit, or feel comfortable doing
they exclude me on purpose from activities I would have enjoyed doing
they get angry if I don’t readily quit my own activities for the sake of accompanying them on theirs
when planning, they always assume and take for granted I’ll do all the heavy and unpleasant work
they refuse to do a same favour for me that I’ve done for them in the past
they purposely do their part of the work badly so I would never ask them to do it again
they purposely manage activities so that I end up doing more unpleasant and draining work
it’s always assumed I’ll sacrifice my goals and needs for the sake of theirs
they seem to forget I have need for attention, affection and support, and no matter how much of it I give to them, I rarely or never get any in return
they don’t do anything for me, to the point where I feel neglected, lonely and sad as if I’m not in a relationship at all
if I point out they neglect me, they get angry and act as if I’m expecting the impossible from them, and accuse me of neglecting them instead
they’ve cheated on me before
they’ve cheated on me and decided it was my fault, because I wasn’t doing enough for them
they’ve cheated on me and demand forgiveness
they flirt with others when they know it makes me insecure and scared
they lie about the time they spend with others and make me feel guilty for doubting their lies
they go over my stuff, look thru my phone/computer/other private device, and make arguments to why they have the right to do it, and why I’m not to be trusted
they accuse me of cheating, flirting, and wanting to have relationships with others, to the point where I’m not allowed to look or talk to another person without getting punished for it
they feel they have the right to punish me, and often let me know they’re deciding just how dire of a punishment i have deserved
they insist on keeping the relationship secret to everyone, and I’m not allowed to let anyone know I’m even talking to them
they lied to me about having other relationships or being married
they make me feel like I’m hard to love
they frequently remind me of how much I am to deal with, and how much they have to sacrifice because of me
they frequently remind me of my every bad feature to remind me that I’m a burden to them, and that I should be grateful they still tolerate me
they keep promising they will never hurt me again, but they still keep repeating it
I always have to be reminded of how tough they had it and all the reasons they have for acting hurtful the way they do
I always have to focus on their problems, and push mine under the surface, theirs just seem to be more important
I always have to be considerate and hide my pain in order to not make them feel guilty
I always have to forgive them and keep acting like nothing bad happened when they hurt me
I’m sometimes scared of them, but I push it down and remind myself of the nice things they did
I’m sometimes worried they’re going to hurt me, but I remind myself of their potential to love me
I often feel used and exploited by them, and like they’re only with me to get something out of it
I keep waiting for them to return my love and act more supportive towards me for a long time
I sometimes want to break up but every time I start feeling this way they do something to make me feel too guilty to leave, or give me more hope that things will get better if I stay.
I feel if I leave them I’ll be doing the same thing everyone else has done to them, and I don’t want to be that person.
I feel obligated to stay because they’ll have nobody without me.
I feel like I owe them too much to leave them.
I feel like I’m here to prove to them that not everyone is awful, and that they can get what they need in life, and to restore their faith in humanity, and for this I’ve been enduring everything they did to me.
I feel like nobody will ever love me again if I leave.
I feel like I wouldn’t be able to survive without them.
I’m scared they’ll hurt me if I leave.
I’m scared they’ll hurt themselves if I leave.
they’ve threatened to hurt me, or hurt themselves if I leave
Psychological abuse
they insult me and/or call me names and slurs, and play it off as a joke a moment afterwards
they insist i don’t have a real reason for getting upset/offended/hurt
they humiliate and blame me for having problems and struggling with life
they insist that I caused all the problems for myself and I wouldn’t have them if I wasn’t so stupid/incapable/slow/mentally ill/lazy/problematic
they insist my problems are “made up” or just me dramatizing my situation
they question my choices until I start doubting them myself
they claim I’m too emotional and irrational to be making any choices
they call me “too difficult” or “too complicated” to deal with, and to love
they make me responsible for their feelings and actions towards me (if they do something it’s because “I made them do it”, if they feel angry it’s because I “provoked” them, if they feel unsatisfied it’s because I haven’t done enough for them)
they use my chronic illness/mental illness/psychological issues against me, to prove that I’m not a full person worthy of love, and that they’re supposed to be praised and rewarded for dealing with me
they use my past trauma/past experiences to explain why I’m distrustful and why I perceive them the way I do (implying that my perception is wrong and it’s my fault I don’t trust them)
they demand to decide how I should perceive their actions (they insist I should find their hurtful actions funny, charming, acts of good intentions)
they minimize and dismiss my feelings, concern, worry, anxiety, fear (you’re exaggerating, you’re dramatizing, get over it, get over yourself, people have it worse, you’re lucky, you should be grateful)
I can’t openly tell them when they’ve hurt me, I know it will make them angry/sad/upset
they make me comfort them when they hurt me
they get angry at mere implication that they did something wrong, and will fight to prove me otherwise, and punish me for making such accusation
they use my lack of knowledge in certain areas to make me look extremely dumb and ignorant
they belittle and put down my ideas, opinions, experiences and thoughts
they sometimes act like they don’t remember something they said or did to me that was really hurtful
they sometimes act like i did things they did (they will smash a vase and then ask me who smashed it, or why did I smash it the next day)
they insist they didn’t do or say things I can clearly remember them doing or saying, they demand my memory is wrong and that I must be imagining things (I would never do/say that!)
Body control
they make comments about my appearance that lowers my confidence
they make blatant requests and demands about how I should look/dress/take care of myself
they make demands and requests to what I should do with my own body
they talk as if it would be stupid for me to make my own decisions
they insult my body features, criticize my appearance, my weight, my dress choices
they insult features I feel really insecure about, and it makes me feel worse
they laugh at my appearance in front of others, and try to get others to notice a flaw
they compare me to others to show me how I should look, act and behave (why aren’t you more like x?)
Am I in an abusive relationship/friendship? Checklist. Bold the ones that happened to you, italicize if you’re not sure. Originally written for relationships, later realized most points are applicable to friendships as well. (some are relationship specific, so you can ignore them if you’re checking for friendship, also this works for marriage as well)
Physical abuse
they sometimes push me, kick me, and/or intimidate me physically
they’ve hit me before, and I’m scared they might do it again
they make it clear that they want to hit me
they’ve been hitting walls, throwing things around me and at me, kicking objects or furniture, making it clear they’re barely controlling themselves not to hit me
they sometimes corner me/trap me with their body so I can’t escape (during arguments or otherwise)
they left painful marks on my body (from gripping my body too tight in anger, from pushing me to fall down, from rough treatment, dragging)
they sometimes hurt me but it’s only because they have short temper/alcohol problem/tough day at work/other things they deal with
they sometimes hurt me but they make it clear it’s only because of something I’ve done/said or something I failed to do or say
they’ve choked me, restrained my movements, pinned me down and refused to let me go even though I was struggling/paralyzed
they’ve ignored my cries of pain and kept hurting me
I’ve been in hospital before due to the injuries they’ve caused me
they sometimes make me feel like my life is in danger
Social abuse
they hate my friends, and want me to spend less time with them, or completely cut them out of my life
they’ve affected me to drop more than one friend from my life
they’ve managed to isolate me from family members, friends, acquaintances and people I used to enjoy spending my time with
they get angry if I enjoy my time out with friends/family, and call my socializing derogatory names, as if hanging out with people was a luxury I’m not supposed to enjoy
they lie about what people have said about me/think about me, in a way that makes me feel humiliated and hated by everyone
their behaviour towards me changes drastically based on who we’re with, they’re completely different when we’re alone compared to when we are in someone else’s company
they lie about our relationship to others, in front of me, and I feel I’m not allowed to challenge them
they threaten me in private to how I’m supposed to act when in public
they humiliate me in public and in front of their friends
they tell people to “just ignore me” and teach them how to dismiss me and my feelings
they talk badly about me to their friends and family and/or mine
they lie to others about what I’ve said and done, making sure I look awful
they make decisions for me and relay them to others without my permission, making sure I look selfish/rude/inconsistent/cruel if I don’t follow through
they mock my talk, walk, behaviour, opinions and features in front of others
they allow others to insult and humiliate me, and they dismiss it all as jokes
they allow others to say offensive, triggering and cruel things to me and they encourage it
they use my reactions to prove to others how I’m overemotional, too sensitive, hysterical or crazy
Emotional abuse
they yell at me even when I’m already crying
they make me feel as if no matter how much I try, I’m never good enough
they call me ugly/lazy/worthless/miserable/toxic, and act like they’re allowed to because it’s the “truth”
when I really need their help/support/comfort, they’re emotionally unavailable, or show no interest in helping me
they make me feel guilty and ashamed if I’m not there for them at any moment, and accuse me of caring too much about other people and activities, when I should make it all about them
they use every opportunity to talk about themselves and ignore whatever I say as if I only said it to offer them a chance to talk about their own issues, even if their issues are much smaller
they intentionally leave out some vital details about their life and feelings, only to use them later to prove how neglectful and ignorant I am of their issues, regardless of how much I listen to them
they make me participate in activities I don’t enjoy, benefit, or feel comfortable doing
they exclude me on purpose from activities I would have enjoyed doing
they get angry if I don’t readily quit my own activities for the sake of accompanying them on theirs
when planning, they always assume and take for granted I’ll do all the heavy and unpleasant work
they refuse to do a same favour for me that I’ve done for them in the past
they purposely do their part of the work badly so I would never ask them to do it again
they purposely manage activities so that I end up doing more unpleasant and draining work
it’s always assumed I’ll sacrifice my goals and needs for the sake of theirs
they seem to forget I have need for attention, affection and support, and no matter how much of it I give to them, I rarely or never get any in return
they don’t do anything for me, to the point where I feel neglected, lonely and sad as if I’m not in a relationship at all
if I point out they neglect me, they get angry and act as if I’m expecting the impossible from them, and accuse me of neglecting them instead
they’ve cheated on me before
they’ve cheated on me and decided it was my fault, because I wasn’t doing enough for them
they’ve cheated on me and demand forgiveness
they flirt with others when they know it makes me insecure and scared
they lie about the time they spend with others and make me feel guilty for doubting their lies
they go over my stuff, look thru my phone/computer/other private device, and make arguments to why they have the right to do it, and why I’m not to be trusted
they accuse me of cheating, flirting, and wanting to have relationships with others, to the point where I’m not allowed to look or talk to another person without getting punished for it
they feel they have the right to punish me, and often let me know they’re deciding just how dire of a punishment i have deserved
they insist on keeping the relationship secret to everyone, and I’m not allowed to let anyone know I’m even talking to them
they lied to me about having other relationships or being married
they make me feel like I’m hard to love
they frequently remind me of how much I am to deal with, and how much they have to sacrifice because of me
they frequently remind me of my every bad feature to remind me that I’m a burden to them, and that I should be grateful they still tolerate me
they keep promising they will never hurt me again, but they still keep repeating it
I always have to be reminded of how tough they had it and all the reasons they have for acting hurtful the way they do
I always have to focus on their problems, and push mine under the surface, theirs just seem to be more important
I always have to be considerate and hide my pain in order to not make them feel guilty
I always have to forgive them and keep acting like nothing bad happened when they hurt me
I’m sometimes scared of them, but I push it down and remind myself of the nice things they did
I’m sometimes worried they’re going to hurt me, but I remind myself of their potential to love me
I often feel used and exploited by them, and like they’re only with me to get something out of it
I keep waiting for them to return my love and act more supportive towards me for a long time
I sometimes want to break up but every time I start feeling this way they do something to make me feel too guilty to leave, or give me more hope that things will get better if I stay.
I feel if I leave them I’ll be doing the same thing everyone else has done to them, and I don’t want to be that person.
I feel obligated to stay because they’ll have nobody without me.
I feel like I owe them too much to leave them.
I feel like I’m here to prove to them that not everyone is awful, and that they can get what they need in life, and to restore their faith in humanity, and for this I’ve been enduring everything they did to me.
I feel like nobody will ever love me again if I leave.
I feel like I wouldn’t be able to survive without them.
I’m scared they’ll hurt me if I leave.
I’m scared they’ll hurt themselves if I leave.
they’ve threatened to hurt me, or hurt themselves if I leave
Psychological abuse
they insult me and/or call me names and slurs, and play it off as a joke a moment afterwards
they insist i don’t have a real reason for getting upset/offended/hurt
they humiliate and blame me for having problems and struggling with life
they insist that I caused all the problems for myself and I wouldn’t have them if I wasn’t so stupid/incapable/slow/mentally ill/lazy/problematic
they insist my problems are “made up” or just me dramatizing my situation
they question my choices until I start doubting them myself
they claim I’m too emotional and irrational to be making any choices
they call me “too difficult” or “too complicated” to deal with, and to love
they make me responsible for their feelings and actions towards me (if they do something it’s because “I made them do it”, if they feel angry it’s because I “provoked” them, if they feel unsatisfied it’s because I haven’t done enough for them)
they use my chronic illness/mental illness/psychological issues against me, to prove that I’m not a full person worthy of love, and that they’re supposed to be praised and rewarded for dealing with me
they use my past trauma/past experiences to explain why I’m distrustful and why I perceive them the way I do (implying that my perception is wrong and it’s my fault I don’t trust them)
they demand to decide how I should perceive their actions (they insist I should find their hurtful actions funny, charming, acts of good intentions)
they minimize and dismiss my feelings, concern, worry, anxiety, fear (you’re exaggerating, you’re dramatizing, get over it, get over yourself, people have it worse, you’re lucky, you should be grateful)
I can’t openly tell them when they’ve hurt me, I know it will make them angry/sad/upset
they make me comfort them when they hurt me
they get angry at mere implication that they did something wrong, and will fight to prove me otherwise, and punish me for making such accusation
they use my lack of knowledge in certain areas to make me look extremely dumb and ignorant
they belittle and put down my ideas, opinions, experiences and thoughts
they sometimes act like they don’t remember something they said or did to me that was really hurtful
they sometimes act like i did things they did (they will smash a vase and then ask me who smashed it, or why did I smash it the next day)
they insist they didn’t do or say things I can clearly remember them doing or saying, they demand my memory is wrong and that I must be imagining things (I would never do/say that!)
Body control
they make comments about my appearance that lowers my confidence
they make blatant requests and demands about how I should look/dress/take care of myself
they make demands and requests to what I should do with my own body
they talk as if it would be stupid for me to make my own decisions
they insult my body features, criticize my appearance, my weight, my dress choices
they insult features I feel really insecure about, and it makes me feel worse
they laugh at my appearance in front of others, and try to get others to notice a flaw
they compare me to others to show me how I should look, act and behave (why aren’t you more like x?)
Financial abuse (relationship/marriage specific)
they decided I spend too much and used it to take control of finances
they insist on controlling the finances and income, and dismiss me as too incapable to deal with such things
they don’t like me having a source of income and insist I should become financially dependent on them (maybe they framed it like “you don’t have to work, I’ll take care of you”)
they’ve managed to make me financially dependent on them, and they’re using it against me
they demand I don’t have equal rights to decide and manage our finances since they’re the only one bringing the income
they withhold money from me unless I do everything they want and expect of me to do
they make priorities to spend on luxury for themselves, while dismissing my necessities (basic clothing, food, hygiene items, healthcare needs, current project needs)
they decide how much I’m allowed to spend and I have to show proof of it
they lie to me about finances and our current standing
they spend large amounts of money secretly (on gambling, prostitution, alcohol, drugs)
I was forced to pay off their debts/credits/payments for their own belongings
I was forced to save them from financial trouble, and they only made more financial trouble
I’m forced to support them due to their unwillingness to work/losing a job on purpose
they emotionally/psychologically abuse me if I don’t give them full rights to my finances
Sexual abuse (tw rape)
they sexualize my behaviour, take my words and actions sexually when they’re not meant to be, and accuse me of “provoking them”
they get upset and angry if I refuse them for sex, or if I refuse to do a certain act
they punish me for refusing, withhold affection, care, resources from me
they don’t accept me saying “no” to sex, and will keep pressuring me
I don’t always feel like I can easily say no to them, they make me feel like I owe them sex
they’ve told me I’m ungrateful, cruel, selfish and withholding for refusing
if I said yes to something they assume it’s a yes for every time they want it, I’m not allowed to change my mind afterwards
I’m forced to give them sexual favours for holidays/birthdays that I don’t enjoy or want to do
they pressure and coerce me into sex acts I’m not sure I want to do, or I’m sure I don’t want to do them
they’ve been pressuring me to include other people in our sexual life, when I don’t want to
they’ve physically forced me into sex without my consent before
they touch me when I don’t feel comfortable with them doing so
they don’t stop touching me when I tense up/freeze
they’re rough and inconsiderate during sex, and don’t seem to care if they’re hurting me
they don’t stop when I’m hurt, overwhelmed, in pain, crying, making pained noises, paralyzing
they use sex to lash out their anger, and end up hurting me
they humiliate, insult, call me derogatory names and slurs, and emotionally abuse me during sex
they’ve inflicted injuries onto me during sex
they’ve done things I specifically told them not to during sex
they’ve done things to me during sex that I mentioned before to be uncomfortable with
they’ve put me in position where I couldn’t refuse to do a sexual act
they control me during sex, and will get angry or forceful if I don’t obey
they refuse to offer any gentleness and physical care during sex
they refuse to be gentle and considerate to me except after they’ve already hurt me sexually
they demand a lot of sexual attention but refuse to give any to me
they demand a lot of touch and physical affection but refuse to look at me or touch me the same way
they will call me disgusting/undesirable/ugly/unlovable and refuse to touch me, at the same time demanding that I give them what they want sexually
they’ve done things to me without my knowledge (while incapacitated, asleep, unconscious)
they’ve filmed our sexual contact without my knowledge, and/or shared it with others
*even if you seek out or derive pleasure from sexual abuse it will still inflict psychological injuries, and any person who would harm you during intimacy is not safe for your well being
If you bolded more than 7 items on this list, you are dealing with an abusive partner/friend. This is not a complete list of abusive behaviour, but it’s as extensive as I was able to make it. If you can think of more abusive behaviour not listed here, add it to the list! Also, if you have confirmed you’re in an abusive relationship with a man, your next reading should be “Why does he do that”, download it here.
Been told by my therapist that having 0 memory is just a symptom of my depression and that I should talk to my friend about it who I've discussed is toxic before so yeah I can't even trust my therapist anymore ig
My dad grew up in partial poverty, in foster care, with a mother who was rough to him, and a horrible marriage made too young, and he was more of a parent to me and understands me more than my mother ever will.
If you believe your abusers only abused you because they’ve been abused themselves, believe me, even if they haven’t been abused, they would have found an excuse to do it anyway. And if they didn’t want to abuse you, no amount of abuse in their life could ever force them to cause harm to you.
I'm used to my concerns and fears and ideas being ignored because someone else, anyone else, is more important and smarter and better to listen to. So I post them to the void on a blog no one follows or interacts with instead of talking to someone because my therapist knows me too well for me to bring up this stuff after a year. Hell, I even post them on my normal blog sometime, but it doesn't matter. Any interaction I get, any reassurance, that's pity, isn't it? For my insignificant issues that are grains of sand in the scale of the universe. That's what you've tried to force me to believe. I guess you got what you wanted, because it worked.
Anyway spam over im gonna go eat too much bc thats all I know how to do
Everytime bullshit like this happens, it reminds me of the time I tried to text a suicide line, and they were too busy to accept new people. So I tried calling and it rang and it rang and the person who finally answered made me feel like a fucking idiot. On that night I decided if i was bad enough to try and call, I didn't deserve to be helped, and I should just do it and get it over with.
When you promise me we're going to go eat together and we make plans, and then you suddenly cancel for no reason, it tells me "This was fate, I didn't deserve to eat tonight anyway, I never should have asked"
Its this all fucking over again
Imagine being so pathetic as to be a gifted child, skid through high school, drop out of college, get an amazing paying job and buy a house with no cosigners at age 18, and then lose that job for one that pays less and eventually decide to sell the house at age 20 because depression keeps you from having a job
Crazy, right? Haha cant see why anyone would ever do that
I have a vent blog for these things for a reason, im sorry, I'll start using that instead.
My counselor told me to email her if I need her. She never responded. What a lie.
My counselor told my to check out psychiatrists for meds. I can't even call them, I have to fill out an online form and wait two days. How ridiculous.
My counselor told me to get tested for ADHD. Its over a month until the test, and then up to 2 months after for any results. What a waste of time.
All of this is *so* expensive and what's the point of it all? To get more meds that don't work like my last ones?
I don't want to hurt you I don't want to be distant from you I want to be good to you and love you and im overcompensating for that by being so clingy and unbearable that I'm scared it'll drive you away but if I stop then im leaving you and I don't want you to think I'm abandoning you either