Helpless - Tumblr Posts - Page 2
Being at the mercy
Fallen Angel
Kim Min-hee in Helpless (2012) dir. Byun Young-joo // Rosamund Pike in Gone Girl (2014) dir. David Fincher
TRIGGER WARNING -suicidal thoughts- People think it's just the thought of no meaning in life, that they end it, feeling no colours or pain. But it hurts. These thoughts are burning and chasing me everywhere i go. There is still that one voice pulling me back from the edge of the bridge or laying the knive back down. It's the knowledge of how far my mind/ body would go, that terrifies me the most. I never choosed to become like that, but there are times, when that one thing inside me, cries for the pain to stop. It are those times, i am ending up on the ground of a unknown meadow or stop myself from crying in public, because these voices keep telling me to finally end the pain, that i carry since my past and erase these horrible memories, that keep me awake at night. Everyone keeps telling me that it's going to be better soon. I am sick of taking all those meds, which make me more sick than i was before. It's not the end, yet. I would never know if it got better, when i don't try till the very last. There won't be a finish line, when i stop running and stay at the ground. It's my life and my choices. The past is something to learn of and not to get guided by it. I will get back up and be stronger than before. Fu@# those voices and all the people passing their problems to the other, cause they don't want to handle it. We got this only chance. Only one. Use it. Because some people would really wish to have onther. *this is text is based on my own experience and opinion. Not everyone feels the same way i do. I respect that. No, i don't want to kill myself anymore. Drawing helps me to deal with my disorders and traumatic experiences. Stay safe and if you have suicidal thoughts, then please get help of professionals to talk about them! **my english may have some... Or much errors. I'll blame the memes for that. :D #suicide #depression #disorder #suicidalthoughts #mentalhealth #anxiety #saddrawing #deepthoughts #help #scars #death #trauma #pastlife #childhood #crying #tears #sadart #pain #emotion #feelings #sadness #helpless #nolove #loveyourself #life #lifechoices #lovelife #smile #nevergiveup #fightforlife #artwork #coaldrawing #macabreart #lizzyeatsart
@febuwhump prompt: helpless
***
She'd been helpless before. Too many times, in fact.
Now she even has the memories of all the times she'd been helpless in her previous life...
Watching her grandmother waste away in a hospital bed.
Being forced to accept when her best friend moved across the world.
When she succumbed to the pressure put on her by her parents to achieve certain milestones of success.
That split second of confusion and terror that seemed to stretch on for an eternity... the blink of an eye time between the reinforced glass of the space ship's wink splintering before her, cracking the fullness of the moon's image into jagged pieces...
(who would have thought that the moon itself would shatter just a few short years later?)
The immediate horror that set in when she realized she was about to perish. There hadn't even been enough time to scream. There had just been that helpless moment as existence seemed to pause on the precipice of disaster and then... nothing.
Nothing until she woke up, helpless once more. Weak from decades spent in a cryo-chamber and with no memory of anything at all that mattered. Helpless in the face of scam artists who took advantage of her ignorance and set her on a doomed life path of debt that no one could ever hope to pay off or even pay down.
She'd been helpless too many damn times since waking up. She absolutely hated it and fought tooth and nail to escape that feeling. She swindled and she thieved and she gambled and always she ran. It was important to keep at least one step ahead of everyone else - more if it could be managed.
She had to be self-sufficient. She had to be ruthless. She had to keep herself separate from others to avoid falling prey to situations beyond her control or to emotions too deep to swim through.
The change had been so gradual she almost hadn't noticed. Then, when she realized what was afoot, she fled. Of course, it was much harder to escape yourself than debt collectors. And naturally it wasn't especially easy to get away from a man like Jet Black who had been a cop in a previous life and was adept at tracking fugitives down.
He thought she'd been helpless when he found her. Handcuffed on a rickety bed in a city of only men... well, she can understand why he had that misconception. But, though Gren had overpowered her... she could have broken free at any point after he left. It's just... the will had gone out of her for a bit. Life seemed built of injustice and tragedy and futile gestures and she just wanted to give up for a while.
Not, like, entirely or forever of course. That type of action required far too much work or pain. Besides, loathe it as much as she did, Faye was keen on surviving despite the despair and frustration of it all.
Someday she'd strike it rich. Someday she'd win big. Someday it would all be worth the struggle...
So anyway, Jet retrieved her like an errant child and Faye let him think she was helpless because it seemed to make him feel better about himself. Anyway it wasn't like she had anywhere else to go.
Not then at least.
For a while she'd felt helpless when watching that damn video. Unable to summon the memories to correspond with the images, but also inexplicably devoted to scouring the tape for details that might trigger something in her mulish mind. She had been helpless to stop herself from wearing that tape out with how many times she'd play it.
She had a moment of triumph when Spike faced off against that killer clown. He'd no doubt been joking about needing rescue, but she had taken his words to heart and had shown up to help out. It felt damn good to throw herself into action on someone else's behalf... to try and prove herself instead of letting the opportunity slip by.
The fact that her attempt had resulted in crashing her zipcraft was immaterial. She'd offered enough of a distraction to have had some effect, no matter how small, on the outcome of the confrontation.
And then she and Spike had worked together to try and protect that mafia man's daughter on her weird little quest to align the stars or some bullshit. Spike had teased then too, calling them fairies out to grant a princess her dearest wish. Whatever poetry he needed to add to their job was his own business, for her it was another chance to do something. To not sit idly by, helpless.
The terrorist on Alba City had been the next opportunity to prove her merit and to push back against being a victim of circumstance. She had been doing so damn well too... until that fucking gas... until she was, once again, helpless. Vincent had overpowered her so easily... had sent shivers down her spine with his nonsense promise of immortality and his intention of destroying everything around him. If he hadn't left on his mission, giving her the chance to finally free herself and race against time to save the whole fucking planet...
Fuck, she hated being helpless.
It had rankled and even though they'd achieved their goal and saved the day... it hadn't been enough. The echo of Vincent's words haunted her dreams along with the fear that had coursed through her body when he violated her clothing.
She was determined to be faster, smarter, stronger.
Going after that cult leader had been another of her schemes to showcase her own abilities. To bring down the bounty and rake in the dough. Perhaps she'd been wrong to go about it solo... having her head spin, seeing doubles of everything as she dropped to one knee, hearing mad whispers from all around as she strove to remain conscious... that had been like falling into a whirlpool of helplessness.
She hadn't had a chance to save herself. Hell, even Spike almost got caught in that trap while trying to find her... that was something of a boost to her own ego, truthfully. The fact that he'd come looking for her and also how he'd been just as weak, just as helpless. Thankfully Ed and Jet had done whatever needed to be done behind the scenes to end the charade of "uploading consciousness" to escape the world.
And then, weeks later, she'd been helpless to stop the torrent of memories from cascading over her at last. Helpless to ignore the pull of finding answers at last... of going back home, to a place she truly belonged.
Helpless to change the past.
She had lain in the dirt and stared at the stars while her eyes burned with the need to cry.
Discovering the Bebop had left while she spent... hours? No, it could have been days... while she lingered in the limbo of grief and outrage and apathy.
Spike's call to her was revitalizing. The fact that he wanted her back, that he claimed Jet needed her around... she would have made her way to the ship in her own good time, to be quite honest. But jumping into action with that golden haired woman up against hardened suit-and-tie criminals... that had been like jumping back into her true self, the Faye Valentine that had been forged from the soggy ashes of her frozen self, a phoenix reborn.
Having to relay those words, despite how casual they sounded, when she could practically feel the weight of the sentence like an anchor about to drag a man down down down into murky depths...
She'd been helpless to keep her mouth shut. How simple it ought to have been to just not tell him a thing. But events immediately got out of hand and like watching a show from afar she heard herself speak. And then she was fighting to be in control of herself again, fighting to have a chance at surviving.
And now?
The sound of his ship launching was like a slap in the face.
Here she was, a puddle of snot and tears and so - fucking - helpless yet again... helpless to stop him from leaving...
...but not, perhaps, helpless from chasing after him.
Inhaling deeply, scrubbing her face of tears as best she could, Faye staggered to her feet and set off on a mission of her own. Spike had his vendetta, that's fine whatever, but she had her own task now. She could back him up or scrape his ass off the concrete like after the cathedral fiasco.
Her ship was fucked but Jet's was fine.
This was no time to weep and moan. No time to feel bad for herself or any of the other players in this bullshit game. No time to curl into a ball and sob.
She was Faye fucking Valentine.
And Faye fucking Valentine would not be helpless again.
I want this to happen to me so badly 🙈🤤😩
“SO THIS IS WHAT YOU DO IN YOUR FREE TIME!?!? WANNA BE A GIRL THAT BADLY DO YA!?!? FINE BITCH, SUIT YOURSELF!! NOW DROP TO THE FLOOR, IF I’M GONNA SUDDENLY HAVE A DAUGHTER YOU CAN BET YOUR TIGHT LITTLE PUSSY THAT I’M GONNA MAKE THE MOST OUT OF THIS!! JUST YOU WAIT TILL I SHOW YOU OFF TO MY EMPLOYEES DOWN AT THE CONSTRUCTION SITE!! BOY WILL THEY BE HAPPY TO HAVE A COUPLE OF HOLES FOR THEM TO SHARE AFTER A LONG DAY OF WORK!!” 😜💕 (j does not condone rape or other acts of violence outside of art and fantasy)
So I redrew something from one of my old sketchbooks. *sigh