I Just Wanted To Get This Off My Chest - Tumblr Posts
Me: Today is going to be a great day!
Anxiety: Is it going to be a great day?
Me: Um… Yeah?
Depression: Are you sure about that?
Me: Well, fuck me three ways to Friday, I don’t fucking know…
So I was thinking to myself about a lot of things and
I miss when content creators were just that. People who created content. When there were no (or at least less) huge controversies and huge reveals of “turns out one of your favourite internet people is secretly a terrible person!”. I miss when I could watch/read/listen to/enjoy the content I like without feeling bad for liking it. I miss when I could watch people’s channels and be subscribed/following/whatever without being criticised. I miss when we could just be happy to like what we like.
And even with all this, I still try. I want to enjoy my content in the same way I used to, without anxiety and fear of constant judgement and hatred following me. I’ve had to learn how to separate the art from the artist quickly, lest I shut myself off from it entirely or become a stan for someone who doesn’t deserve my energy.
But it’s hard. Many of the creators I once loved are either terrible, still friends with the terrible people, creating entirely different content from what I used to enjoy from them (I’m glad they moved on to something they’re happier with btw, I just miss their old content), or dead. The people around me cringe at the mention of many of their channels/names, making it difficult to say even so much as “I used to like this” without being harshly judged and criticised.
All in all, I think it’s important to understand that you shouldn’t be cruel to someone who likes something with a problematic creator. New controversy about an influencer you like doesn’t mean you’re terrible for liking them. And definitely don’t believe that you either have to support them completely or shut yourself off from their content.
Don’t bully people about their likes or dislikes. If you don’t agree, then accept you have differing opinions. If you don’t understand, ask them about it before condemning them to your judgement.
TW suicide, self harm
sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I never existed. maybe my friends would be better off If I didn’t exist in the first place. then they wouldn’t have to worry about this fat, ugly, waste of space and oxygen bastard who has stupid fucking abandonment issues. they won’t have to worry about that same bastard talking to them, wasting their time. sometimes I just want to fucking kill myself and free myself from this guilt, this rage, this sadness. hell sometimes when it’s too much I punch my wall until my knuckles bleed but I don’t to tell them or they’ll worry about me more. I don’t want to be a burden to people that deserve so much better. those people deserve all the happiness in the world, they deserve to be so so so happy. and I feel like I’m in the way. I just want to disappear. If I could almost drown myself in the tub in 6th grade I’m sure I can drown myself now. but I'm scared to die, I’m scared to live. I don’t want this fear. I don’t want this sadness. I don’t want this guilt. I don’t want this sympathy. I just want this wave of rusted chains, broken dreams, and busted emotions to be over.