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Real Life And Stuff
*warning talks of mental abuse* I had sincerely hoped to post a collection update for the past several days, but personal life has been, well…
Let's just say, I desperately need to vent about somethings. That is what my entry is going to be about. It won't bother me if you skip over this, as there will be some considerable length. It is possible someone else is encountering a similar experience, and these words will aid them?
In my introductions, I mention 17 years of mental abuse by an ex. While the relationship has been broken off with "R" (as I shall dub him), we still live together. The man currently has dementia; this has made his grumpy dinosaur side even worse. Yesterday, he verbally mistreated me by falsely saying I'm a "sleazy slut" and bluntly informed me about my "slut mouth." Fun times! On Thursday, his verbal abuse got so severe, that it almost drove me to ending it all. An online friend talked me down while I tenderly held and cried all over my Buggy plush, he was drenched.
Still living with this horrid man has inevitably become an absolute nightmare. "R" desperately keeps trying to get in my pants, no thank you! I am demisexual, that emotional connection once formed with "R" has been lost for years! I've just kept going through the motions, as a foolish creature of habit, familiarity and routine. Sex, something I traditionally view as a sacred act, became merely nothing but a chore with him. Trying frequently to discover desperate ways out of having to sleep with him; this would bring forth his terrible wrath! He would subsequently threaten to kick me out into the streets. Why stay with him so long? As to why I stayed so long, because a piece of myself was willingly given to this disappointment of a man. My unfortunate lack of friends doesn't help, as I'm an odd duck. *quack* *quack* Then there is the fact, that it's awkward finding a "mate" and didn't want to experience this precious life alone. Probably, because I am just plain stupid too. I won't lie, there have been good times with the man. We have been on many grand adventures, from a cruise to Disney World!
In notable addition, my mental illness makes change in routine hard. Changes really throw me off, and "R" naturally became, well…routine! Breaking up with him was surreal and has undoubtedly taken some time to adjust to. Nevertheless, it is legitimately SO liberating!!! Why continue living with "R," why not get out now? I have no support system here, when it comes to local friends and family. Truthfully, it is all long distance. If the internet didn't exist, I would typically have no friends! I'm on SSDI disability; I can only afford low income housing. Currently the section 8 waiting list is closed for my state. If and when I get on the list, it is a 2 to 3 year wait…This area has severely limited resources too. The odd fact that I can't drive doesn't help matters either. I've never been capable, due to over thinking and panicking behind the wheel.
Despite how "R" has treated me, he is a human being. I don't want to completely abandon him. His family will merely toss him away into a facility, like yesterday's trash. Right now, he is too high functioning for that. However, his family doesn't want to step in and help either. Indeed, they are all aware what is happening to him. Hell, his Step-mother wouldn't even help me get a couple of hours to do something profoundly meaningful. Which is the One Piece concert happening in Las Vegas this Saturday. *cries* To actually hear "The Drums of Liberation" in person, would bring tears to my delighted eyes.
"R's" cousin humbly admitted to me a few months ago, that she knows how abusive "R" can be in a relationship. How I have a kind heart for staying, this kind heart has inevitably had enough! His Step-mother sent me a text last week apologizing that I've had to deal with this. Fuck, then why not help with this situation foolish idiotic woman?! Instead of declaring bluntly to me, "We have a life too you know!" I possess a god damn life too!! Which 17 years of it have been wasted with "R"…but I dearly want to live again!
If it wasn't for my genuine love and fond attachment to Buggy the Star Clown, I would have completely crumbled. Hell, that almost did happen twice recently. I know Luffy is ordinarily the one who liberates. For me, it is Buggy who is gallantly helping to unlock the gates of glorious freedom from my own personal Impel Down! I plan to carefully design a tattoo centered around him and the freedom he has and will give me.
"Meri body mein sensations hote hai"
"Kaise sensations?"
"Sensations jaise sarsarahaat, sansanahaat, gudhgudahaat, dagmagahaat, fararahaat, thartharahat, kapkakahaat, jhatpatahaat-
my life lately🐱🎧📖☕️🍂
(Font: Pinterest & my pics)
Maybe this is what happens when you grow up, you feel less joy.
I have become so confused now that when there's a situation in front of me, I don't know if I'm supposed to be understanding and chill with it or reacting like how it actually made me feel.
At this point, I'm just unfazed by whatever stuff life throws at me.
WhatsApp pe Contacts se zyada college ke groups hogye h 🥲
Hi babe...
I'm supposed to be asleep but I keep rolling left and right in my couette and it's so frustrating because I have to wake up early for an appointment.
I took my medicine but I don't know why I'm still awake.
Yesterday night was so funny, I eated some bites in Nutella and then started to watch One tree Hill.
I just love (opinion of my first episode) Lucas... He's so cute. Nathan is more like "I have it all and easy, I have also a pretty gf but I don't care about her" and everything (to not spoil) but Lucas touch my heart and I'd prefer to be (which is the case in reality anyways) with a Lucas than a Nathan.
Anyways, I'm looking at three shows in the same time it's One tree Hill, Geek girl for the plot and I'm not disappointed because even if I'm older than her it's still not immature for me; so cool; and I'm watching as well "And just like that" the following of Sex and the city. So good can tell you I wanted a suite so much so, we'll see where it goes in a scenaric point of view.
Otherwise, lately I've authorized myself to drink some beers and I went asleep after it felt nice. It was some days ago but I forgot to tell you. It's not working good with taking medicine obviously but for once, I suppose it's not going to kill me. Soft.
I had my pizza 4 fromages pâte-fine the other day just like I wanted in my past post and it was so good, made me so happy.
Also, Beetlejuice the suite is sortie! I need to watch it. I was thinking about going to see it a Saturday because I don't think that it will still be at the affiche for Halloween, or maybe. Obviously it would be a good movie for that day and I would definitely goes seeing it that day, but I don't know. Everyone is starting their spooky months now while we're not even in October and it just feel so good because it makes me want to stay cozy, drink coffee, watch movies, etc.
For Halloween I already know what I want as a costume but maybe it'll change. I want to be a little chaperon rouge.
Anyways. Right now, I'd be so down for a martini but, oh well. I think I'm going to take my second medicine after watching an episode of One tree Hill just now.
Otherwise, I love you baby so much, I hope you had a great dinner with your family, I hope you prayed like you have to, that you feel protected by God and that you feel serine because of the love that I'm giving you... I love you dear Husbi. Love you so much.
Eternally.
May Allah Akbar blesses us.
Xo.
Currently in my "I don't give a fuck era." The era where I don't give a fuck about what anybody thinks of me. The only person that I value and trust is myself and I am gonna do whatever it takes to keep my mind peaceful. I am extremely selfish for myself and my energy and I'm gonna get highly selective with people who can get access to me. I am no longer going to allow some random idiots to affect my inner wellness without my conscious permission. I am gonna cut off anything from my life if it costs my inner peace. Period.
