Unhealthy Attachments - Tumblr Posts

How having a "favorite person" if you have ASPD/NPD can look like.

What I read in cluster B spaces is that many people seem to have the opinion that a "favorite person" is just a BPD thing.

To understand why it's not just something for BPD, someone has to think about what an FP even is. To simplify it, just so everyone knows where I'm coming from - "favorite person" is basically just someone you have a VERY unhealthy attachment towards, and everyone with a cluster B disorder is capable of having that.

Fuck, most mentally ill people who have childhood trauma are capable of having that. It is just very common for BPD, so common that it's in the diagnosis criteria. It tends to also be more intense for people with BPD, but the concept on its own is not that rare.

I will explain it a bit how it looks like for me. I am diagnosed with ASPD and NPD, and I got forensically assessed as a psychopath when I went to prison.

I will talk about the second one first, as this is the most similar to the typical "FP" someone associates with BPD.

An unhealthy attachment can show for me in two ways. One is very subtle, the other one is full force and hits me straight into the face.

A few months ago, I met a man who is around 15 years older than me. He is wonderful, but I won't go into details here about that. Regardless, as the friendship developed, I noticed that I got very attached to him. It started slow for me, but it ended with me being upset and angry because he did not give me as much attention as I wanted to. He did not listen to me enough, he did not include me enough, he did not spend enough time with me, he did not do this or that enough. He was not enough.

I would get unreasonably pissed off if I saw him spending time with someone else. I would feel abandoned if I would see him online and he did not text me immediately. Or, even worse, he would text in a discord server we share but not respond to my DMs. That felt like straight up betrayal, and I was so unbelievably angry. I developed a black and white thinking, I thought he hates me - until he texted me, and everything was fine again. I was so incredibly possessive about him. He was mine. Don't even think about befriending him, because he belongs to me.

At the same time, all I wanted was his approval. If he even hinted on not approving of something I do, I would ping pong between a fight and a fawn response. I want to submit, he has to like me, but also how dare he not approve, but I have to make him like me no matter what it takes, but also fuck him for that and I'm too good for him anyways.

The second one was way more subtle. I noticed that this happens most of the time when someone with BPD has me as their FP, or if someone is attached to me in the way I mentioned before and I give a shit about them. At the moment, I have that sort of attachment to my boyfriend, but also to a very good friend of mine, whose FP I am.

It was a constant inner battle. I never showed him a lot of that, or at least I tried to. I talked about it with him at some point, and the thing he was the most worried about is that he may not notice when I need his approval (bless him). Over all that time, I snapped at him once because I felt like he did not approve of something I do. I had to forcefully remove myself from the situation to calm down and get my fight/fawn response under control.

I did not even notice that the second one is an unhealthy attachment until my therapist pointed it out, and explained what's happening here.

In those scenarios, I start to feel responsible for the wellbeing of the other person. I want them to be well, and I would do what I can so they feel good and are happy. It goes to the point of me completely neglecting my own wellbeing for them, but it's so subconscious that I usually don't even notice it until it's too late.

I try to explain it a little. For me, it's all about starting to subconsciously see my friends as my parent (friend A), or to see myself as the parent to them (friend B). Medical grade daddy issues.

The first one always seemed very logical to me, and my therapist (and my boyfriend who provided me with many resources, mwah) guided me through the entire process. I started to subconsciously push my friend into the role of a father, which I thankfully notice very fast.

A parent is supposed to care for their child 24/7. They provide guidance, approval, leading the kid into the right direction, are always there for the child, comfort the child when they cry, provide food, water and love. And that's something I wanted my friend to fulfill, as both my parents could not fulfill that (no shame to my father, he's a good man but his best was just not enough, and that is okay). But my friend is not my father, and that's where the problems start.

But the second one was, and still is, very difficult for me to handle. Instead of pushing my friend into the role of my father, I push myself into that role. Subconsciously, I try to be the father I never had.

The second scenario might end well with someone who does not have an unhealthy attachment towards me. My boyfriend is a great example - while I am his FP, he was in therapy for years and can handle this very well. He does not let me have that responsibility. But it will never end well if that unhealthy attachment is unmanaged. If friend A would have "given in" to my attachment, or if I would have let him, then this would spiral until the friendship breaks apart.

Friend B is incredibly well attuned with others, he is very sensible and has a good feeling for what his symptoms are, even though he was never really in therapy. But due to that, he obviously shows way more symptoms than my boyfriend does, which makes it very easy for me to fall into that "I'm responsible for his feelings" mindset.

This sort of attachment issue I have does also synergize with my ASPD. My therapist explained it to me very well.

People usually have empathy. They feel someone else's pain, and they know that this is enough to show support. That pain they feel makes it easier to attune to the situation and know what is needed to help that person in that moment. For me, this process is cognitive, while the process for people with empathy is emotional. I see they are in pain. I don't feel that pain, but I know they must be distressed. I see that they are distressed. So I try to find ways to help them, so they are not in pain anymore. I don't feel that natural stop people with empathy do. I don't know what is enough. I know people talk about that just listening is good - but it does not feel like that for me. It's not enough, they are still hurt. I must do more. What I do is not enough. I am not enough.

I have the same standards on myself as I have on the people I put into a parental role. And I know that it would happen so easily for the other person to fuel that, if they put me into the parental role.

And then, the downward spiral starts.

I will most likely make a post on how I deal with both of those attachments so the relationship between me and my friends is as healthy as it can be. But I'm 10h into a 12h nightshift at the moment and I can't be arsed to parrot what my therapist told me, so this needs to happen whenever I feel bored enough for it.

Every professional psychiatrist/psychologist I’ve ever met have always assumed my attachment to my mum was too dependent and tried to treat me based on that which is why it was wild that I went to two sessions with a specialist in my disorders who immediately told me that I showed all the signs of having no attachment to anyone in my life especially my mother.

That’s a lot of learned behaviours added to exacerbate an already awful attachment style.

When you have an under-researched disorder people miss so many important things that could have helped you much sooner because they just assume the obvious.

Don’t be afraid to push back when you know they’re missing something important. It’s your brain they’re messing up.

I imprinted on my sixty year old professor like a baby chick

Fandom analysis and "activism" are healthy and indeed important to a point, and will almost always relate to you or your beliefs on a personal level, but if you're at the point where you can no longer objectively approach a discussion or fandom as a whole, or you're at the point where you cannot separate fandom and your real life, you need to take a step back.

If you're at the point where you're spending the majority of your time relating to fandom doing nothing but complaining and getting in arguments and treating fandom spaces like warzones and protests, you need to take a step back.

If you're blatantly making up things that are non-existent in canon just to be angry about it, you need to take a step back.

And just to clarify; taking a step back in okay. Its not a bad thing, and its absolutely not meant to be an insult. Sometimes we just get to caught up in something we need breathing room to be able to readjust ourselves and realign ourselves, and that's a perfectly valid, normal, human thing. We often use fandom spaces as outlets, but if its reached the point where you have an unhealthy obsession with negativity in those spaces, its no longer good for you. Its no longer just an outlet, its a feeding loop of toxicity.

I keep finding myself in those cycles in my relationship. We meet at each other's levels. Therefore we fit perfectly. We're like a plant and a pot. I am a plant and they are a clay pot. I feel comfortable and secure in that pot. But then I slowly start to feel uneasy. I feel stuck. I feel like the perfectly fitting pot doesn't have enough room for me to grow. It feels uncofortable now but I'm terrified of living without my pot- without it, I feel uncomplete. I feel lonely. I don't want to leave it. But a clay pot, once molded, cannot unmold. Not when it doesn't decide to break in order to recycle itself. And usually, they don't want to. Even if they know it'd be better for both of us. But the roots need room to grow. If they don't have it, they slowly start to wither away. The plant will die. But it's hard to tell the beloved pot that it doesn't fit my roots anymore and I cannot stay. So I stay silent, letting my roots grow dense and weak. I know it's not good for both of us, but I'm a coward. I'm scared of being potless forever. I'm always waiting for life to take pity on me and repot me. "Everything I've ever let go of has claw mark on it" It hurts and I'm ashamed.

Nett(persona) belongs to me