Violets Withered All - Tumblr Posts
One of the strongest indicators of trauma is overwhelming guilt for something that happened to you. You didn’t harm anyone, you weren’t cruel to anyone, yet you feel ashamed of everything that happened, you feel mortified and believe you somehow caused it, or participated in it, you feel overwhelming shame and guilt for your feelings about it now, you feel ashamed for being hurt by it, because someone indicated you should not be.Â
If you feel this way, what happened to you isn’t normal or okay. It means you were put in circumstances completely out of your control and then forced to take responsibility for whatever took place, as if you made it happen. You were not only forced to take responsibility for someone else’s cruelty to you, but even conditioned to not be able to acknowledge just how much it hurt you, how much damage you’re still bearing. It means someone hurt you very, very severely and then, for their own convenience, decided that it was you who caused that, and dictated just how you’re allowed to feel about it, to make it more convenient on the perpetrator. You do not owe them a life free of responsibility for what they’ve done to you.
You are not obliged to feel only in ways they tell you to. You already know your feelings about it, and they’re not wrong. You are not in the wrong to be upset, to feel that it was wrong, that you’ve been hurt and someone is guilty of hurting you. The fact they tried to make you responsible for it, and to make themselves look blameless, only makes it worse, it means they didn’t only hurt you once, they hurt you thousand times after, they hurt you every single time you tried and couldn’t acknowledge what happened, they hurt you every single time you had to pretend that what happened to you wasn’t traumatic abuse.
The Damage of Grooming
knowing something was off about your past experiences but not wanting to end the illusion of “that was okay and this person wouldn’t hurt me”
missing memories of some periods of time, hazy memories, blocked memories
having heart-stopping realizations of “that was not normal”
being completely buried in guilt and shame over things that occurred
feeling utter lack of self value
feeling complete responsibility over everything that happened to you and hating yourself intensely for it
feeling weak, vulnerable and helpless to stop anyone gaining control over you again
feeling like you have no other purpose but to be used for someone else’s purposes
feeling like being used and exploited is the only way to be close to other people
feeling unwanted, unprotected and abandoned by the world
being forced into dealing with all other types of predators who target you because you can’t hide the signs of being groomed
inability to trust people, or otherwise, feeling that you’re not allowed to do anything but to trust people and lack of trust will be punished
mixed feeling of both betrayal and pain of being abandoned by the abuser, not being sure how to feel about them, sometimes still feeling affection and sympathy and sometimes rage
craving for the feeling of affection and importance the abuser might have provided you, while dreading if it’s worth feeling loved if they will end up exploiting and betraying you
blaming yourself for everything and wishing you had done something, anything different to avoid what happened
wishing none of it happened and trying so hard to forget it ever did
Damage of sexual grooming (and sexual abuse in children)
deep feeling of being dirty, ashamed of yourself, and not feeling safe in your own body
self hatred, hatred for your body, desire to change your appearance, in some cases even your sex so you wouldn’t be targeted like this again
feeling disconnected and detached from your body, missing memories of abuse
deep sense of guilt for enjoying some part of abuse when you didn’t even know it was abuse
terror of the enforced idea that you sought out the abuse, wanted or deserved it in some way
confused and mixed feelings about the abuser, desiring to keep trusting them and trying to understand why they did what they did, even if you feel underlying terror of them and feel horrible about most of the things they did to you
inability to form healthy sexuality, viewing sex as an act of power, coercion and violence, engaging in harmful sexual practices, fantasizing about being sexually abused
sexual self harm, feeling like you deserved to be hurt, engaging in dangerous and painful sexual practices, joining communities that promote violence and extreme submissiveness in sexual activities
feeling unexplainable attraction mostly towards people who are likely to hurt you, people with big age gap or authority figures, people who show same behaviour as the groomer
feeling like you have no sexuality and no desire to participate in any sexual activities
terror of being sexually abused again and always being scared that you’ll somehow provoke it or cause it to happen
feeling like it’s useless to try resist sexual abuse because it will only end up worse for you, and not having the ability to say no or fight back anymore
developing anxiety, depression, ptsd, having panic attacks and re-living the abuse over again
developing an eating disorder and struggling with suicidal thoughts
developing infections and sexually transmitted diseases due to abuse and feeling ashamed and scared to reach out for help, or that someone will realize what is happening to you
i didn’t kick or scream or fight back. i floated above myself and watched with my eyes unfocused. i watched it happen in some vague aether, i watched it happen to a body that isn’t mine.
surviving csa means never playing truth or dare
(TW) csa symptoms that are not talked about (let me know if you are struggling with this):
re-living some aspects of the abuse (feeling uncomfortable, aroused but scared, having intrusive thoughts and memories) every time you have to go to the bathroom
sick fantasies, attraction towards pain, humiliation, control or being controlled, rape fantasies, really cruel and twisted fantasies
feeling disgusted with yourself because of the sick fantasies, wondering what is wrong with you and if you’re some sort of monster for imagining that
trying to desperately stop the fantasies but eventually giving in and feeling guilty
trying to have normal fantasies but in the end most of them re-enact abuse in some way (one person is in power over another, something is forced against your will, you are pressured or forced into something, your assent is ignored or dismissed, one person is using another as an object or service, there’s manipulation, humiliation, abuse, violence and pain involved, the situation is one of obligation to have sex and not done out of true desire for intimacy)
losing your ability to refuse or reject someone when in sexual situation
losing your ability to say no or defend yourself in a sexual situation
losing your ability to speak in a sexual situation
even if you desire intimacy once in a sexual situation you find yourself just waiting until it’s over and doing anything to end it faster
inevitably feeling fear and strong possibility of getting hurt in a sexual situation
feeling like a child in a sexual situation
re-living all the emotions you felt during sexual abuse, in any sexual situation
feeling terrified of sex in general, but still craving it
belief that sex is the only true form of intimacy and feeling awful and destroyed for not being able to share that with anyone anymore
belief that nobody will want you like this and that you’re irreparably damaged
Sexual grooming for children will end up confusing their perception and sense of what is right, because some parts of it are designed to make the child believe they feel good during it, and this will reinforce the guilt and sense of participation or “liking it”. Children do not like to be sexually abused, they do not enjoy being taking advantage of and having their sexually ripped apart by a person chasing their own satisfaction, but they cannot explain away the parts where physical touch felt good, where they didn’t feel like resisting or fighting back, where they even felt dependent on the abuse or did something to encourage it and hide it from others. Children experience arousal during sexual abuse and this too, will confuse them and will be used as a groomer to prove that the child “wanted it”. They will also want to believe that the groomer cared for them in some way, or did this out of “not knowing better” or without being aware the child would end up deeply traumatized.
The “good” feeling of sexual abuse comes just from the fact that the child requires physical touch, and young children cannot feel the difference between “good touch” and “sexual touch”, at most they might feel it’s a bit “weird” or “dirty” but if they get used to it, they wont be able to recognize it as abuse. The good feeling is only because they need touch, but that doesn’t mean they want to be sexually abused, they need a hug. If the abuser’s goal was to make the child good, they would never have any sexual intentions, they would never use the child as a resource of sexual pleasure and then try to convince the child it must have been a good thing. No child would consent to sexual abuse knowing it was going to traumatize them. The good feeling only makes it worse, makes the child feel complicit and unable to distinguish if they have the right to be traumatized and angry.
Arousal during sexual abuse, not only for children but for all victims, is not a sign of sexual desire, it’s body’s way of protecting itself. Human bodies go to extreme measures to protect from pain and injury, and sexual abuse is the worst, most harmful damage on human body. Arousal makes it more likely your injuries will be less critical, and that the level of physical pain will not be as high, whereas the lack of arousal would mean extreme pain and possibly critical injuries. Your instincts can already tell that the abuser doesn’t care if they damage you severely, so arousal is there to protect you, not as a sign of sexual excitement. Sexual desire never involves feeling of deep terror, weakness, vulnerability and submissiveness, sexual desire is only possible in a situation where you feel no fear of your partner whatsoever, can walk away at any point, and are able to do whatever you please, as opposed to being cornered and forced into a violating experience.
So it was not your fault. And none of your reactions was out of place. None of it meant that you wanted it, or participated in it. You had no way of consenting to it. And if you’re still sometimes experiencing some affection or craving for the abuser, this is extremely common and a side-effect of grooming. The groomer wanted you to feel this, they designed the entire relationship in order to manipulate you to feel it. But they couldn’t love you, they did not see you as a human being worthy of respect, care, agency, boundaries, freedom, or even just having your own sexuality. They lied to you, and if you don’t want to face this part yet, that’s okay, because it’s devastating and horrifying to realize something like that happened to you, and it’s okay to take as much time as you need before you consider it.
If parents use the phrase “all parents/mothers/fathers do this to their children” while doing something painful or weird or creepy to you they are absolutely lying, this line is only used to make someone comply out of fear to not be seen as more difficult than everyone else, if they had to use this line it was because nobody has ever been okay with that being done to them.
