Trauma Survivor - Tumblr Posts

surviving csa means never playing truth or dare

Here’s an idea:

(Sorry friends, this is an angry one)

Maybe you should fuck off trying to tell survivors how they should feel about their abusers.  Here’s a few reasons why: 

1. You don’t know shit about us or our stories.  

2. Your experience does not in any way dictate or predict the experiences of others.

3. Many survivors have been taught not to trust themselves. You are contributing to this problem with condescending advice that contradicts our instincts and mental health needs.

4.  The way we feel can change throughout the grieving/healing/recovery process. It’s confusing enough on its own; we don’t need your uninformed opinion further muddying the waters. We need to work this out.

5. Some of us can only move forward through forgiveness and reconciliation.  Some of us can only forge ahead fueled by our rage and hate.  Some of us fall somewhere in the middle.  These are all acceptable and reasonable.

6. Only we can decide what is best for us.  You do not know what is best for us.

This is a boring post. You've been warned.

I think I've decided not to pursue a romantic relationship with the girl I was considering recently.

I like her as a person and i would (genuinely) like to be her friend. I am having dinner with her and two mutual friends this week, and I'm looking forward to it .

I just.... Really need a more confident partner. Someone more sure of themselves. Someone who can give me assurance and encouragement when I'm trying to be brave. I feel like between the two of us, I am the bolder one, and that does not give me confidence is a good 'us.'

Let's be honest, I can fake it pretty decent, and the genuine stuff does come sporadically, but I can't maintain confidence sufficiently for myself let alone for two of us.

We didn't even get far enough for us to have to have conversation about 'not pursuing'. We were leagues away from that. I don't know how that could possibly feel more awkward than if we were both more invested. But I'm feeling weird about it.

Anyways - being choosy about my other half and identifying ' must have' qualities is progress enough for tonight.

A Moment.

I will take this time to celebrate a big thing:  I am officially out of debt.  

It took a little longer than I had anticipated (15 months longer) and a lot longer than I would have liked.  But I pulled myself out of the hole he tried to bury me in.

He left me with so many injuries, but come hell or high water, they will all be healed.

😬

Begone!

I don't know how it's possible but I'm still finding paperwork with both of our names on it. I'm cleaning out some stuff I've been putting off since moving in with my partner, and i just found one of our void cheques.

There's a story about those cheques that i don't think I've ever told, but for now just know I'm nauseous just looking at our names together.

do you ever think about how murderbot spend 35,000 hours (~4 years) just doing its job as usual, having no idea there were options other than that or mass murder, having no friends or community or anything at all? and then suddenly in the span of... what, weeks? months? less than a year for sure, less than 8,700 hours, to go from that to having homes (plural), to being beloved (ew), to trusting in and relying on others, to living and living in its own ways, forever and ever

and idk what I'm getting at here but I can just feel the parallel to leaving an abusive family and finding out that... well, fuck. people will see you hurting and just... help? even when it would be easier not to? even when it's inconvenient for them? and you won't owe them anything for it?

people will want things for you just because they're good for you? just because they want to see you happy? and it won't matter if it's helpful to them?

and, and this is the big one, they'll love you as you are? because their love isn't predicated on you being perfect, or never needing help, or being useful to them, or being who they want you to be? and they'll love you despite your screwups and hangups and and and I want to say "despite your boundaries" but I'm learning to acknowledge that there's no "despite" to it, the presence of boundaries doesn't affect the love, the love, the love

They tried to kill me before again and again but I'm not going to hand this victory to 'em. If they were weak enough to not even be able to kill me then I'm gonna make my whole existance be about perseverance

I feel like I forgot how to be a human being

I'm just not that well recently. I'm tired of not having someone else while everyone around me says "you should appreciate your own company" like I even had any other option. People say I'm undatable because of my "personality" yet I never dated before being who I am right now. Saying it just shows people don't know shit about me and they have no interest in learning my point of view, yet I'm supposed to always be understanding with them. I'm so tired and angry. During my whole life I heard I'm weak/fragile/clueless/sensitive/retard/emotive/blunt/unfiltered/clumsy/clunky/inattentive and a fucking ton of other words even if I was at my absolute best, yet I can't even complain about my condition because I'm supposed to always be doing something and being available to people. I can't even grasp the right words to properly explain how much I hate all of them

I'm tired of having to cope with videogames like LoL: WR or Minecraft in an attempt to fulfill this fucking emotional hole. I appreciate the few friends I have and every moment we have, don't get me wrong. It's just not the same thing as a romantic relationship and I'm tired of people saying it's the case. Honestly, fuck you and I hate you deeply. People always say we should aim for the best and women love specifying the kind of men they wish, yet I can't even THINK about having someone who cares about me romantically without people saying I'm feeling entitled. Go fuck yourself you and your double standards.

Also fuck you dad, you're not even man enough to admit your own mistakes. You're everything I always hated and you can't even pretend to care. My mom also has her responsibility with my traumas but she's able to properly deal with what she did while you're nothing more than a pussy who doesn't know what accountability mean

Y'know what? I'll put my phone on the charger while I listen to some music on my tv

You asked for an angel, yet you created a demon

I was just thinking about how weird it was that my mother never let me have a job, she was so against me working. and then I realized:

I had a job. She didn't want me to waste time flipping burgers when she could be pimping me out. That was my job, to her.

My sense of self and understanding of my own situation is so shattered that it's taken me like 15 years to even put that together.

𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜𝚗'𝚝 𝚔𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞:

lose your innocence:⁠-⁠)

not trust anyone ever again:⁠-⁠)

wonder what makes you so unlovable(even if for a split second):⁠-⁠)

live your life in a constant state of survival:⁠-⁠)

question everything you thought you knew:⁠-⁠)

think about all the ways it could've been different:⁠-⁠)

ask yourself if it's worth going on with all the pain:⁠-⁠)

wake up each morning and contemplate the same.

so, no! what doesn't kill you doesn't always make you stronger:⁠-⁠)

𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐤𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐤𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐬 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤.

Thought of the evening: I would never have chosen DID; and I simply don't understand anyone who wish to have multiple personalities...

I haven't been aware of my life for the last few months, and I despise how out of control my life feels. I do not remember most of my life; those memories live with my alters but I (now) love them with my whole heart.

I would have rather I never ended up this way. We never wanted to be a system, and none of us would wish this on anyone.

However, I am glad I didn't have to go through those things alone. I'm grateful my mind put up barriers, so I don't have to live every day re-experiencing and remembering those things I've read of in my system's journal entries. I'm glad our mind kept us safe, I'm glad we did our best at the time.

I'm grateful that I had them when I did. I'm grateful I had someone watching out for us even when I didn't realise it. I'm grateful for the system who kept me as safe as they could. I'm glad I had them with me.

I love my brain for making me a family...

but I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

“I am the sum of my parts, and my parts are absolutely phenomenal.” - Jeni Haynes in her memoir The Girl in the Green Dress speaking on DID/MPD

~ host

I used to be proud to look like my mother

I wanna say that sexual harassment isn’t just physical but also verbal. There’s many forms and both are harmful, just because the person never physically touched the person doesn’t mean that it isn’t still harassment. Sexualizing someone, threatening them, or making overly sexual comments to someone after they say they aren’t comfortable with that is still sexual harassment! It’s a form of harassment I don’t see getting recognized enough and I want people to know that just because it isn’t necessarily physical it’s still valid!