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I have been asked a few times by well meaning people if I'm dating. The answer is no.
Mostly, I need to piece myself back together. Heal so I can feel confident in my judgement and ability to guard my heart.
However, there is another consideration: when the time comes ( or if the time comes - just being realistic) I would like to be a good partner.
The last thing anyone would need would be for me to turn into a cornered, wounded animal over a minor argument.
I don't want to hurt anyone. Least of all in the ways that I have been hurt.
I've been co-authored without my consent.
Two of the symptoms of ptsd and cptsd that have been the hardest to swallow are the lack of focus and the inability to "get into" or enjoy anything.
I was once an avid reader; I'd polish off a book a day if I could. Now it's a struggle to get through a chapter or two.
He has changed the very fabric of who I am.
Inheritance
My eldest brother has a substance abuse problem. A few years ago my parents had to bail him out of a huge financial hole he dug for himself and his wife.
My dad was furious. FURIOUS. Contemplating-going-to-the-lawyer-to-change-the-will kind of furious.
I am not a fan of my brother, but I talked my dad down anyway. Dad was angry, and that's a terrible time to make big financial decisions.
When I informed him that Dad was considering taking my brother out of the will and I had talked him out of it, he was so angry with me. "You just fucked yourself. You fucked us!"
He wasn't a fan of my brother either, but he just thought he was a bit of a dope. He didn't really know/register my dislike for him or the reasons for it. So he just wanted me to sell my brother up the creek so I'd get a part of his inheritance. And by "I" we know I mean "we" which we know means "he."
He makes me so sick.
Reclaiming
I auditioned for a play on Saturday. If I am cast it will be my first time back on stage in almost 3 years.
Taking another one back.
A little over a week ago I was going through a strong " missing him" phase. At those times I try to reread some of my old posts to snap out of it.
This one is a gem.
IT WAS THAT BAD
When we were working on the basement last summer, he got some concrete work done. So there was some time where the floor in the basement was all broken up. He told me if I kept upsetting him he’d bury my body there and cover me up with concrete.
No one would ever know.
Tension
My uncle the Pedophile left today.
Every part of me is exhaling.
I got cast!
Reclaiming
I auditioned for a play on Saturday. If I am cast it will be my first time back on stage in almost 3 years.
Taking another one back.
He cut me off a year ago today.
Best thing he probably ever did for me.
When he kicked me out initially and I dragged my shamed, mortified, and heartbroken ass to my parents place, I spent days in bed with silent tears rolling down my face.
I don't remember going to work, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. It's a blur.
But something broke up the monotony of misery. My dad knocked on the door and handed me a care package that had been dropped off. It had fuzzy socks, chocolate, and two movies.
I was basically inconsolable at this point and still very much under his spell. But this brought me a bit out of my fog. It was a thoughtful gesture that really meant the world to me.
I repeat, friendship is a vastly underrated relationship.
Friendship is a vastly underrated relationship.
Tw - fat shaming
When he thought, at one point, i had put on too much weight he told me he would not stick with a woman who let herself go.
According to him, men don't like bigger women. In fact all men really like the same body type - very thin. Any man who says otherwise is just saying so for woke points.
Men who date bigger girls do so because they lack the confidence to pursue "better" women.
He didn't lack confidence, so I had to nip that issue in the bud. Or accept the consequences.
I try to explain this to people. They say they understand, but they don't really get it.
This is a boring post. You've been warned.
I think I've decided not to pursue a romantic relationship with the girl I was considering recently.
I like her as a person and i would (genuinely) like to be her friend. I am having dinner with her and two mutual friends this week, and I'm looking forward to it .
I just.... Really need a more confident partner. Someone more sure of themselves. Someone who can give me assurance and encouragement when I'm trying to be brave. I feel like between the two of us, I am the bolder one, and that does not give me confidence is a good 'us.'
Let's be honest, I can fake it pretty decent, and the genuine stuff does come sporadically, but I can't maintain confidence sufficiently for myself let alone for two of us.
We didn't even get far enough for us to have to have conversation about 'not pursuing'. We were leagues away from that. I don't know how that could possibly feel more awkward than if we were both more invested. But I'm feeling weird about it.
Anyways - being choosy about my other half and identifying ' must have' qualities is progress enough for tonight.
Coming to this conclusion filled me with a bit of relief, but also immeasurable sadness.
I haven't felt this lonely in a while.
This is a boring post. You’ve been warned.
I think I’ve decided not to pursue a romantic relationship with the girl I was considering recently.
I like her as a person and i would (genuinely) like to be her friend. I am having dinner with her and two mutual friends this week, and I’m looking forward to it .
I just…. Really need a more confident partner. Someone more sure of themselves. Someone who can give me assurance and encouragement when I’m trying to be brave. I feel like between the two of us, I am the bolder one, and that does not give me confidence is a good ‘us.’
Let’s be honest, I can fake it pretty decent, and the genuine stuff does come sporadically, but I can’t maintain confidence sufficiently for myself let alone for two of us.
We didn’t even get far enough for us to have to have conversation about 'not pursuing’. We were leagues away from that. I don’t know how that could possibly feel more awkward than if we were both more invested. But I’m feeling weird about it.
Anyways - being choosy about my other half and identifying ’ must have’ qualities is progress enough for tonight.