Symptoms - Tumblr Posts
This is a busy time of year for me and I'm getting overwhelmed. That means there's a melt down on the horizon.
See you all soon.
FuuuuUUUUUCCCKKK
One of my clients is someone he used to work with. They've kept in touch. Dan doesn't keep friends very well, but they're friendsish.
This very vague and loose connection was irksome at first, as my ex could have used him to attempt to fish for information about me. I've relaxed a lot since then he's always remained focused on the business and never asked any probing or suspicious questions. All of the information he had access to was stuff my ex already knew, so no additional risk.
Well.
I stopped by his house to pick up some documents today and there's a person i know from my theatre group sitting on his couch. They met on Bumble and have been dating for 6 months.
We're not best friends or anything, but she's on my Facebook and has seen pics of me and my woman together. She knows I've moved just outside of my city. She knows I'm involved in a theatre production right now. She knows things that could trickle down to my ex through my client that would give him more information.
She may even say something off hand that would be damning. Like how I'm queer. I have no idea how he would react to news like that, but I'd bet money it wouldn't be good.
No longer a low risk connection. And I'm fucking LOSING IT. AGAIN.
Nothing reinforces your sense of self loathing quite like revamping your resume and cover letter.
Hey, a flashback! Good to see you trauma brain; it's been a minute.
I must have looked deranged at the grocery store.
I was always in a RUSH. That was because he gave me a time limit, which was always arbitrary, based on what he considered acceptable. Needless to say, I always took too long, but that didn't stop me from trying to meet his unattainable standards.
I would double check, triple check my grocery list in a panic and talk myself through recipes out loud to ensure I wasn't forgetting any of the ingredients. Owing to the unreasonable time constraints and sleep-deprived state he kept me in, naturally I missed things. And realizing this upon walking in the house would make me break out into a sweat. Imagine being terrified and feeling sick because you forgot to purchase a sweet potato.
Occasionally the store would be out of something we needed. If I tried to explain, he'd accuse me of lying to cover up for being stupid and forgetting something. I started taking pictures of the empty shelves to defend myself, but then he'd ask why i didn't go somewhere else. If I did, there would be a penalty for the extra time it'd take to head to the other store.
There was also immense pressure to get it all done Correctly. What that meant changed week to week, moment to moment. Did i buy the right colour of pepper? He said he wanted turnip, but did he actually mean rutebega? What flavour of chips have i purchased in the last 8 weeks.? He said he wants 'healthy' granola bars but to 'make sure they dont taste like shit' with no further explanation, what does that mean? Getting an answer wrong was BAD. He might throw it at me, or slap me, or scream in my face. Best case was an eye roll with a retreat to the basement.
I made the Wrong Choice so often, the grocery store itself became a trigger.
Typically my lady and I grocery shop together now, and she takes most of the bad feeling away. But tonight she was in the middle of something, so i went on my own.
And there I was looking at the spices realizing the store was out of steak spice when all of it came back. The heart pounding in my chest, the sweating, the sense of looming doom.
And it happed right in the middle of aisle 7.
Hey, a flashback! Good to see you trauma brain; it's been a minute.
I must have looked deranged at the grocery store.
I was always in a RUSH. That was because he gave me a time limit, which was always arbitrary, based on what he considered acceptable. Needless to say, I always took too long, but that didn't stop me from trying to meet his unattainable standards.
I would double check, triple check my grocery list in a panic and talk myself through recipes out loud to ensure I wasn't forgetting any of the ingredients. Owing to the unreasonable time constraints and sleep-deprived state he kept me in, naturally I missed things. And realizing this upon walking in the house would make me break out into a sweat. Imagine being terrified and feeling sick because you forgot to purchase a sweet potato.
Occasionally the store would be out of something we needed. If I tried to explain, he'd accuse me of lying to cover up for being stupid and forgetting something. I started taking pictures of the empty shelves to defend myself, but then he'd ask why i didn't go somewhere else. If I did, there would be a penalty for the extra time it'd take to head to the other store.
There was also immense pressure to get it all done Correctly. What that meant changed week to week, moment to moment. Did i buy the right colour of pepper? He said he wanted turnip, but did he actually mean rutebega? What flavour of chips have i purchased in the last 8 weeks.? He said he wants 'healthy' granola bars but to 'make sure they dont taste like shit' with no further explanation, what does that mean? Getting an answer wrong was BAD. He might throw it at me, or slap me, or scream in my face. Best case was an eye roll with a retreat to the basement.
I made the Wrong Choice so often, the grocery store itself became a trigger.
There are lots of accounts online and elsewhere of people experiencing guilt due to a perceived lack of productivity right now.
I have that feeling every day regardless of what I've accomplished. He made sure I never felt comfortable resting; there was always something to do, some task that needed completion immediately after the last one, and some ball I was dropping by sitting on the couch and day dreaming for a few minutes.
This guilt is crippling and so hard to shake. It's a fight to remind yourself that rest, particularly in streessful times or when healing, is not a luxury.
It's a necessity.
"It's so important that I stay strong through his dark moments. He needs me and I just need to work a little harder next time to make sure he's not unhappy."
“Just how many times did you tell yourself “it’s okay, I can take it” while being aware that the same thing done to anyone else would be cruel and hurtful, but it was different for you, because you were used to it, and that made it okay?”
— And then they call you “too sensitive”. (via furiousgoldfish)
Complex trauma from abuse can cause chronic exhaustion, and chronic pain. This means the recovery, aside from being filled with guilt, shame and rage, will include long time spent in bed, feeling to exhausted and pained to move, or do anything.
This is happening because trauma is hard on the human body, and your body will spend all energy just trying to fight it, or repress it, or process it. The emotional pain of trauma being processed is enough to cause physical pain, chest pain, pain in all of your joints, headaches; your body will be so tense you can end up in chronic back pain and muscle pain just from all the tension and inability to relax. Your mind will be re-living the past and your body will react accordingly, getting terrified, shocked, tense, and finally showing all the damage you couldn’t feel when the abuse was happening. Even if you felt nothing while it was happening, there was no way to avoid this, your body can’t keep the trauma hidden inside of you forever.
One thing common for recovering victims is to feel intense shame for resting, for spending so much time in bed, feeling sick and worried about their future because they can’t get it together enough, or can’t get their tasks done due to pain and detachment from reality. You’ve all experienced being shamed for resting, being blamed for your own pain, and told you have no value if you’re not productive and hardworking. However, none of this applies to you right now. You need to rest. This rest is for survival. This is comparable to recovery from life-threatening injury, you cannot be expected to function or shamed for being lazy if your body is broken and barely hanging onto life. You are surviving, and you need rehabilitation and care, not feelings of inadequacy or shame for still daring to be alive.
It’s alright for you to exist just to rest only. In rare moments you do manage to get up, it’s okay to just do soothing non-productive stuff. There is no limit to how much care you need right now and you are obliged to give that to yourself. If the chronic exhaustion is caused by trauma, it will get better, not fast, not all at once, but slowly, during months and years, your body will let enough trauma out to allow you to use some of your energy for yourself. It’s vital you rest and let the trauma do its thing, and then eventually you will get your body back.
Some symptoms like to linger.
Because traumatized people often have trouble sensing what is going on in their bodies, they lack a nuanced response to frustration. They either react to stress by becoming “spaced out” or with excessive anger. Whatever their response, they often can’t tell what is upsetting them. This failure to be in touch with their bodies contributes to their well-documented lack of self-protection and high rates of revictimization and also to their remarkable difficulties feeling pleasure, sensuality, and having a sense of meaning.
“The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel van der Kolk
I wish I could say this wasn't true anymore. While I can say it hurts less, I can't even confirm that it happens less frequently.
It's incredibly upsetting that despite moving on and finding the most gentle and kind person to be with, he still pervades my thoughts.
I still think about him basically every time I get a quiet moment: in a fitting room, at a red light, in my office, in the shower.
Recovery is a bitch.
I wrote this post in the early weeks of freedom. Nearly three years later I'm still discovering new impacts of the damage.
Rinse, repeat. Rinse, repeat.
I have started writing a number of my posts with “The worst thing about an abusive relationship is….” and then having to erase it because it isn’t true. I can’t call this particular aspect or experience the worst thing. It’s all the worst thing.
The flashbacks have eased some over the last 3.5 years. So last night startled me.
She and I are lying in bed winding down watching tiktok on my phone. She reached over me to take my phone out of my hand for some reason and her harm put a bit of pressure on my radius bone ( top of my forearm).
I shouted "Stop!" very intensely and very suddenly. My body went in full rigid alert mode, and she shrunk back like a wounded animal.
I thought about it for a second. He used to grab my arms there and squeeze. It was so painful and I felt so helpless. He'd also grab me there to shake me. There were always little finger shaped bruises on my forearms back then.
I apologised for the sharp response and I explained why it happened. She says she understands, but she blames herself for my reaction
How could she have known something so benign would have triggered a trauma response?
I feel terrible.
Today in Review
Me: I have a lot of work to get done today, and people are depending on me. Oh shoot, I have two appointments that will interrupt my day too. I should probably get started.
Brain: Maybe you should panic and do nothing for four hours instead.
Me: ... well, no, if I plan and start n....
Brain: PANIC AND DO NOTHING FOR FOUR HOURS!!!
You know that feeling where you're eyes are burning, and you can't focus on anything because you're so exhausted, but your body is wired and so pumped up with cortisol and dread that you can barely sit let alone actually sleep?
I felt like that for 10 years straight.
Being sick is an Excuse: Episode Seven
I hurt my shoulder at the gym today. The pain is bad enough that I'm feeling nauseous.
My partner went to get me muscle relaxers, and I'm in the shower filled with doubt. Is the pain really that bad or am i making it up.
Imagine questioning the existence of your own pain while feeling pain.
If that doesn't sum up your brain after abuse I don't know what would.
I’ll start off by saying that I can’t speak for everyone. However in my experience, and in my discussions with other survivors, it seems that in the early days of abuse recovery we become obsessed with understanding WHY.
Why did they do this? Why didn’t I see who they really were? Why did they choose me? Why did I allow this?
We buy books, research online for hours, bombard our therapists with theories, and try to find stories like ours. We look for the truth somewhere outside of ourselves. It feels like if we can just find that one elusive piece of the logic puzzle, our knowledge will heal us.
It’s probably a necessary part of the process, and can be therapeutic in its own way. But you can’t push away the inevitable forever. The feelings come, and they come hard. They have to.
When I slowed down on the fervent research and made myself sit in the pit of horrors that was my brain, things started to change a bit.
trauma tells you being happy is wrong. your body rejects it because it’s unfamiliar, it’s something you have felt out of touch with for a long time. so just know that this is where the self-sabotage begins but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be happy. it’ll just take time to get used to it again, to fully enjoy it and remind yourself you don’t deserve to put yourself through painful situations.
