Things He Did - Tumblr Posts

Side note:  I know that IQ tests are essentially worthless and tell you very little about the actual intelligence of a human being.

But it was the prospect of having something on paper that may indicate I wasn’t lacking as much as he liked to tell me that I was that made him so nervous.  It was a bit satisfying.  I’m sure I paid for it later.

One day, i had the audacity to not share his opinion.

After the usual screamfest he insisted that one day we would take an IQ test to prove once and for all that I was an idiot and he was smarter. He told me that I should shut the fuck up or I would feel extra stupid that day.

In one of my rare moments of defiance, i asked very politely, what would happen if, by some accident, I scored higher than him. I saw a split second of “oh shit” in his eyes before he said “then we would know that the test was faulty because that’s not possible.”

You know, I don’t think he ever brought it up again.

Joyless Giving

The holidays have some truly terrible memories for me, but every year was miserable with a person like him.

Giving him gifts filled me with such dread.  He was so particular. If he didn’t like a gift, he'd tell you and he’d also berate you for being stupid. This wasn’t exclusive to me, but it was heightened to dangerous levels for me.

I would call him a spoiled brat if his hissy fits weren’t so terrifyingly violent.

Sometimes he was easy and said “This is what I want.” It may put me in debt, but at least I wasn’t going to be spit-screamed at.

Other years it was “buy me a new wardrobe” and refusing to answer follow up questions. I was panic-stricken; making the wrong decisions was Bad™, and with such vague instructions I was destined to mess something up.

I used to like giving gifts, but now I approach it with apprehension. He took the joy out of it. 

He took the joy out of everything.

Hope to Despair in Minutes

You know that scene in the animated Cinderella were Stepmother tells her she can go to the ball if she finishes all her chores and finds a dress to wear?  Then she and the stepsisters load on the chores so that it’s impossible for her to finish sewing her dress? 

That was him.  He'd tell me at 8pm that we should watch a movie that night, but he’d have to be in bed by 11pm.  I’d also have to finish cleaning the kitchen, making his lunches for the week, prepping dinner for the week, all the laundry, vacuum and scrub the floors, clean the bathroom, change the sheets, and bake something for a snack before we could sit down.

When I inevitably failed, it was my fault, once again, that we couldn’t do anything nice together.  I was never to forget that it was always my fault as I was such a lazy cunt.  It was an excuse for him to be angry and hurt me, and an excuse for me to feel bad about myself 

I still have a hard time looking forward to things.

Double Standards Series- Episode 2

If I was sick I had to sleep on the couch to protect his health and make sure I didn't keep him awake with coughing, etc.

If he was sick I had to sleep on the couch because what kind of woman would make her man sleep somewhere other than his bed when he was sick.

Double Standards Series - Episode 3

He would spend hours out of the house with his friends and I wouldn't text or call. We all need some space and time with our friends.

I was very lucky to get 30 minutes without a needy or angry text when I went out.

The flashbacks have eased some over the last 3.5 years. So last night startled me.

She and I are lying in bed winding down watching tiktok on my phone. She reached over me to take my phone out of my hand for some reason and her harm put a bit of pressure on my radius bone ( top of my forearm).

I shouted "Stop!" very intensely and very suddenly. My body went in full rigid alert mode, and she shrunk back like a wounded animal.

I thought about it for a second. He used to grab my arms there and squeeze. It was so painful and I felt so helpless. He'd also grab me there to shake me. There were always little finger shaped bruises on my forearms back then.

I apologised for the sharp response and I explained why it happened. She says she understands, but she blames herself for my reaction

How could she have known something so benign would have triggered a trauma response?

I feel terrible.

Once, he threw a glass in the sink that I was washing dishes in. It shattered of course.

My skin was super soft from being in the water, so I got cut as I pulled up the stopper to drain the sink and clean up the glass.

He told me that if I didn't like it then I should stop pissing him off.

The worst is when he did it to my parents. I felt so bad for them and ashamed of him. I don't ever need to worry about that again, and that eases some stress during the holidays.

I hope you all find some peace tonight and throughout the year to come. You deserve it.

Joyless Giving

The holidays have some truly terrible memories for me, but every year was miserable with a person like him.

Giving him gifts filled me with such dread.  He was so particular. If he didn’t like a gift, he’d tell you and he’d also berate you for being stupid. This wasn’t exclusive to me, but it was heightened to dangerous levels for me.

I would call him a spoiled brat if his hissy fits weren’t so terrifyingly violent.

Sometimes he was easy and said “This is what I want.” It may put me in debt, but at least I wasn’t going to be spit-screamed at.

Other years it was “buy me a new wardrobe” and refusing to answer follow up questions. I was panic-stricken; making the wrong decisions was Bad™, and with such vague instructions I was destined to mess something up.

I used to like giving gifts, but now I approach it with apprehension. He took the joy out of it. 

He took the joy out of everything.

Being sick is an Excuse: Episode 6

He hated when I took time off work when I was sick.  (As a side, he is ABSOLUTELY the asshole who goes to work sick as fuck, not caring who he spreads it to.  And no, he’s definitely not living paycheque to paycheque).

On one occasion I was feeling particularly bad.  He threatened that I better not take a sick day.  So I “got ready for work”, left, called into the office, and then went to the doctor’s.  After getting my script, I found a parking lot far away from our place where I was sure he wouldn’t find me and tried to sleep until he left for his afternoon shift.  I jumped any time my phone made a noise because I was terrified he would find out I wasn’t at work.

For the record, I had a handful of paid sick days.  There was no reason for me to have to go.

I’m in a healthy relationship now, and this is absolutely fucking ludicrous.